Pattaya Days Gone

The end of (Pattaya) Days

Sun, 29 Dec 2019 00:00:00 +0000

It’s been nine months since my last post, sufficient time for me to have impregnated a lucky lady (SWMBO of course), welcomed a baby into this appalling world, and regretted it. Common sense and a vasectomy sometime in the last century made than a non-viable option; so what I have been doing?

Not photography because I have decided that I have taken a photo of everything in a hundred kilometre radius at least twice. Not windsurfing (much) due to an absence of wind. Cut to the chase, not very much of anything at all apart from hanging out with my wife and drinking coffee in our cosy house.

That vintage emotion

Tue, 18 Aug 2015 00:00:00 +0000

I have waxed lyrical over my gorgeous 1959 Leica M3; but is it just a pretty face? A film or three later, I am happy to report that it knocks out some lovely photos, subject to the usual compositional cock-ups by yours truly. Here are a few examples:

Wat Suthat

Tue, 18 Aug 2015 00:00:00 +0000

Accompanied she who must be obeyed on a trip to Bangkok last weekend as she continues her studies into the arcane (and totally contrived) world of Chinese horoscopes. Went out with my camera and decided to go a little further afield on Sunday morning, which to me meant ten minutes in a taxi to Wat Suthat.

Pondering

Mon, 17 Aug 2015 00:00:00 +0000

How to take a shower at Paddington station

Fri, 14 Aug 2015 00:00:00 +0000

For a weary traveller on his way home after a few days in London, Paddington station has some appealing features. Firstly, there is a left-luggage office where, as the name suggests, you can leave your luggage pending your trip to the airport. Then there is the massively over-priced but exceedingly convenient Heathrow Express rail service which, for the price of a small car, will whisk you to the airport in fifteen minutes in air-conditioned comfort. Lastly, and by no means least, the station offers the opportunity for a shower. How convenient (theoretically).

Aspire

Thu, 13 Aug 2015 00:00:00 +0000

Strapped up

Thu, 13 Aug 2015 00:00:00 +0000

The Barton 1972 strap on my E-M1 is by far the best camera strap I have ever used. The braided design makes for a gentle, springy load on your shoulder; and the leather is soft and supple. I have a green leather half-case on the way from Chile (although, having left Chile some weeks ago, it is showing no interest in arriving in Thailand); so I decided that an olive green braided strap is just what I need for the Leica M3. Ordered on Monday, arrived today; perfect.

Exercise and indolence

Wed, 12 Aug 2015 00:00:00 +0000

London street music

Wed, 12 Aug 2015 00:00:00 +0000

Cafe Boheme

Tue, 11 Aug 2015 00:00:00 +0000

Can't work a silver otter

Tue, 11 Aug 2015 00:00:00 +0000

Retirement is all very well; but occasionally I do consider re-joining the rat race (not really). However, upon checking the Ministry of Labour regulations, I discovered that many of my skills would not qualify for a work permit. I could not do the curl of beauty, the paper hand job or the sale of every page. And working a silver otter is specifically excluded. Bugger it, will just have to remain idle.

Not a bank

Mon, 10 Aug 2015 00:00:00 +0000

Bangkok Barry was quite correct in pointing out that this is not a bank:

Old and new

Mon, 10 Aug 2015 00:00:00 +0000

Leake Street

Sat, 08 Aug 2015 00:00:00 +0000

Seven years ago, Banksy organised a graffiti festival in a tunnel underneath Waterloo station. The tunnel is Leake Street and it still hosts graffiti, with displays constantly being updated as people with paint cans re-spray the walls.

The Eye

Thu, 06 Aug 2015 00:00:00 +0000

Cocktail

Wed, 05 Aug 2015 00:00:00 +0000

England

Wed, 05 Aug 2015 00:00:00 +0000

Both of my regular readers will be aware that a UK visa for she who must be obeyed has been obtained, so that we can visit the homeland and see my son and daughter-in-law in September. The initial prompt for this visit was a request from The Son to mark his upcoming marriage.

The loving couple wanted to keep the event low key and it had been decided that only the mothers would attend. As biology dictates, I used to be married to one of the mothers so I felt it best if I help keep everything low key by not attending; hence the planned trip in September to compensate.

Then last week I received some communication from my ex-wife, suggesting it was sad that I was not attending my son’s wedding; and I received some communication from my current wife along the lines of “he’s your son, you should be at his wedding”. I considered both inputs and took an entirely independent decision, not influenced by any members of the female species, that I would attend. The decision was taken last Friday night and the wedding was the following Thursday; some sort of flight was required.

So on Saturday morning I headed off to an agent recommended by Ian of PattayaDaze and was met by a wild haired Indian gentleman who served me tea and toast and told me not to worry. Ninety minutes and forty six checked airlines later he was looking slightly less confident; but eventually he found me a direct flight which was great news. Less great was that it was direct from Kuala Lumpur, and the pricing mechanism seemed somewhat vague, but it was a flight.

Next on the list was clothing. A jacket and a pair of trousers were discovered in the depths of a cupboard; but anything that could pass as a shirt and tie had long since been discarded. Off to Central where a white shirt was quickly chosen; with an appropriate tie following on rather more slowly as the frazzled shop girl was hassled by my wife to lay out every tie in the shop in order that she could choose the correct colour. I played my part by violently agreeing that every suggestion was perfect.

Outfit acquired, it was off to the airport on Tuesday. A sign in the bus ensured a peaceful trip.

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The flight to KL was on schedule and the thirteen and half hour jaunt to Heathrow passed as pleasantly as might be expected; and at 0550 in the morning I was disgorged onto motherland soil; or more specifically UK Border Control, or whatever they call immigration nowadays. A lady perused my passport and waved me through; for the first time in around ten years I was in England.

Passed customs and the first sight to greet me was something called Costa coffee which I am assured is shit; but at that time of the morning it smelled and tasted wonderful. Bit pricey mind, even if a medium cup was the size of a small bucket.

My no expense spared accommodation was at the Holiday Inn Express in Collier’s Wood; a location I could reach via thirty five stops and many line changes on the underground. With a suitcase. At 0630 in the morning. I went for a taxi.

I then spent a very pleasant hour or so in the company of a traditional cabbie (“been driving taxis 35 years guv”) while watching the metre whizz round to a most unexpected seventy of her Britannic Majesty’s pounds sterling.

Arrived ragged, tired and significantly poorer at my hotel at 0800; and check-in time was at 1400; oh dear. I walked up to reception and met the first of what was to be many bloody immigrants. She was a very cute young lady of indeterminate European origin and spoke good English. With typical bloody immigrant behaviour, she apologised that the hotel had been full the previous night and they could not offer me a room until around 1000, but if I would like to have a free breakfast first and then relax, she would get me a room as soon as possible.

Didn’t feel like breakfast, so went for a walk. Collier’s Wood is not one of the nicest areas, but there was a little river that I took a stroll along in the early morning sunshine while assorted cyclists came past me with a tinkle of their bells and a cheery “sorry” and “good morning”; where was this miserable failed country I had read so much about? No doubt I would find it later. Then I came across a patch of public grassland which was being mowed and the smell of English fresh cut grass on a summer morning filled my nostrils with memories. The Englishness of the moment was reinforced by the mowing machine operator who had jammed the machinery with some twigs and was filling the air with good old Anglo-Saxon swear words. In need of food, I headed for a large building with the word Sainsbury’s on the outside. On the inside there was a cafe which served a passable vegetarian lasagne. There was also a sodding big shop so I headed in there and experienced multiple orgasms at the fruit counter where raspberries and strawberries were on offer for almost nothing. The orgasms continued at the cheese section; dear lord what have I been missing. Twenty pounds and a basket of goodies later; and I was back at the hotel with an interesting fruit, cheese and chocolate dinner selection.

The next day was wedding day and I was dressed far too early in my wedding gear. One stop on the tube and I headed for the registry office via a florist who knocked me up a buttonhole.

What flower do you want? You choose. What colour do you want? You choose.

I like to feel I am heavily involved in selecting my clothing and accessories.

An hour early at the venue and I bump into my younger step-daughter who is also attending unannounced; so when it is close to the wedding time we hide behind a wall and wait. The bride and groom arrive, together with their mothers, and photos are being taken. We step out from behind the wall and it is several seconds before The Son realises who is stood in front of him. He is rarely lost for words; and never shows too much emotion; so the next minute or so of a minor mental breakdown and extended garbled mutterings made the entire trip worthwhile.

The wedding went well. I became the nominated videographer and moved around the room like Wally Pfister on steroids. Unsurprisingly, the video was pretty crap. Then we took a few photos in the garden before whizzing off to a very fancy hotel for afternoon tea darlings.

My plan was to attend the wedding and then slip away and let the lovebirds have their time together. But the lovebirds have been together longer than I have been with she who must be obeyed, so they were having none of that nonsense and picked me up the following morning to take me home for lunch. On the way we stopped at something called Waitrose, and it was quite a revelation I can tell you. The branch was in a town called Farnham which, judging by the size of the houses is not a depressed area; so the customers were an interesting bunch. I spent a long time near the chilled meats listening to a conversation.

“Oh Lake Geneva was wonderful; and Lake Como. You could say it was a lakey sort of holiday {laughs like a horse in labour}. Giles is adamant he is going back there skiing.” etc. etc.

The main attraction was the produce. Whatever product you could imagine, they had variations and brands you have never heard of, often at astronomic prices. All manner of interesting foods were purchased and melded together to make lunch.

After lunch, I went for a stroll along a nearby canal with The Son. The sun was shining, the cyclists were tinkling by with “sorry” and “good afternoon”, and it was very pleasant. Very, dare I say it, English. There were even swans.

Not a cat

Wed, 05 Aug 2015 00:00:00 +0000

It is traditional to mark the acquisition of a new camera or lens by taking a photo of the nearest cat. Not difficult in our house because a cat is never further away from stroking distance; but by the time I had a film in my newly acquired Leica M3, I was sat in front of Rick(ety) Knees drinking a coffee. So when he raised his Leica M6 to take a photo, I just had to respond.

A penny for your thoughts

Mon, 03 Aug 2015 00:00:00 +0000

Mmmmmmm 3

Tue, 28 Jul 2015 00:00:00 +0000

In the early 1950s, Leica had been knocking out derivatives of the original Oscar Barnack designed camera for almost thirty years. They were selling well enough, but were not as technically developed as the Contax rangefinder which had briefly outsold Leica before the war. At the end of the second world war, Contax was in the unfortunate position, geographically speaking, of falling under Russian control and having their production lines disassembled and sent to Kiev. Contax never fully recovered from this setback; and their position was not helped by the introduction of a new Leica, the M3, in 1954.

Around $450 would get you an M3 with a lens; not an insignificant sum in 1954; and indeed the main complaint about the camera was that it was too expensive. The reason it cost so much was that it was hand-built by craftsmen, in brass. Brass makes for a much smoother mechanism than steel, and let’s not even talk about plastic.

If you could stomach the price, the main attraction of the M3 was the viewfinder, which at 0.91 magnification meant that your view of the world was essentially life sized. No Leica since the M3 has offered this level of magnification (mainly because it precludes you from using lenses wider than 50mm). This is the view through the M3 viewfinder (if you are looking at something blue):

The frame lines around the outside represented the view for a 50mm lens. As you adjust focus, those line move to adjust for parallax. Attaching a 90mm or 135mm lens brings up different frame lines; and in later M3 models there is a lever to switch between them (the three sets of frame lines were allegedly one of the reasons the M3 got its name. The M2 and M1 would follow later, even though they offered even more frame lines…).

In the middle of the screen is the rangefinder patch where you align two displayed images to achieve focus. Because of the wide spacing of the rangefinder window, the M3 remains the most precise rangefinder Leica has ever produced. The little tabs on the top and bottom on the rangefinder patch are intended to help you calculate depth of field. Good luck with that.

The manual that accompanied the M3 proclaimed it “as nearly automatic and foolproof as a camera can be made”, which in modern terms means not automatic at all. You set the focus via the rangefinder, exposure via the aperture on the lens, coupled with the shutter speed set via a dial on top of the camera (without the benefit of a built-in meter), and press the shutter. But in 1954 this was as good as you were going to get, and the M3 was a huge success with photojournalists, professionals, and amateurs with deep pockets. More than 200,000 were sold during the period 1954-1966 and, so robust is the basic design, most of those are likely still functional. The tag line, a “lifetime in investment in perfect photography” probably should have read “several lifetimes”, because the M3 just keeps on going, provided it receives some love and lubrication every fifteen years or so.

There are plenty available for sale, the trick is to find one that has been cared for and has been recently serviced. So let me introduce you to serial number 963142.

Gang of five

Fri, 24 Jul 2015 00:00:00 +0000

Discovered this lot hanging around a building site in Pattaya. I was looking for things to photograph, not entirely sure what they were doing there. It transpired they were from Nepal and probably not in possession of work permits or anything else that might make them legal.

Had a bit of a chat about their fine country and then I asked if I could take their photo. They agreed:

UK, the portal opens

Fri, 24 Jul 2015 00:00:00 +0000

Having submitted an application for a UK visa for she who must be obeyed, we entered the estimated three week waiting period for an answer. Two days ago, only nine days after submission, she received a call from the embassy and was subjected to a twenty minute interrogation which included such difficult questions as “where are you now?” and “how did you meet your husband”. At the end of the call, the interrogator told my wife she would get an answer in two weeks time. Sigh.

Shadows in the cloister

Thu, 23 Jul 2015 00:00:00 +0000

Ceiling and column

Wed, 22 Jul 2015 00:00:00 +0000

Column and stakes

Wed, 22 Jul 2015 00:00:00 +0000

The Orange Air flight from who knows where is now landing

Tue, 21 Jul 2015 00:00:00 +0000

….in a field near Jomtien….

Unable to ascertain why it is there. The little man guarding the pile of ex-aircraft bits reckoned they were going to make it into a themed restaurant; or maybe it is just pending scrap. Either way, it deserved a few photos.

Analogue in Singapore

Mon, 20 Jul 2015 00:00:00 +0000

I am coming to the conclusion that the technical competence of a camera is becoming less important to me than the pleasure I derive from the ownership and shooting experience of the device. Like almost every camera on the market today, my Olympus E-M1 is capable of producing excellent images and is stuffed with more features than I can remember. Stick on the appropriate lens and it can handle macro, street, landscape, sports, and even snaps of little Jimmy doing his first poo on the toilet. It can knock out ten frames a second if I want it to; or shoot for a minute or so while I watch the image develop on the screen. It’s a technical marvel that is a much better camera than I am a photographer and I am very happy to own it. And yet, as previous reported, I left it at home when we went to Singapore recently.

Instead I took my 54 year old Leica IIIC. It can probably manage one shot every five seconds, if you get a move on. It has no menus (and no battery), and no options other than allowing you to set focus, exposure and shutter speed before pressing the most delicate of shutter release buttons.

Love Art Park

Sun, 19 Jul 2015 00:00:00 +0000

Intimate

Sat, 18 Jul 2015 00:00:00 +0000

God of wood

Fri, 17 Jul 2015 00:00:00 +0000

Fair warning

Wed, 15 Jul 2015 00:00:00 +0000

I am currently collecting further cameras and lenses to place upon the great lottery that is eBay. Why the sudden need to raise cash I hear you ask (actually I don’t, maybe just a deep, resigned sigh). And this is the answer:

Furry crocodile

Wed, 15 Jul 2015 00:00:00 +0000

Was wandering through a mall this morning and she who must be obeyed expressed the need for a green purse. I have learned not to ask why, and so instead joined in the hunt for a suitably coloured receptacle to accommodate her massive collection of maxed-out credit cards.

Look, there’s one, I proudly advised my wife.

Yes, but it’s made of crocodile skin and I don’t want to support the fur trade.

Not a terrorist

Tue, 14 Jul 2015 00:00:00 +0000

Just back from Singapore, and then on Saturday we were off again to Bangkok for three days. She who must be obeyed has signed herself up for a course in Chinese fortune telling, something she says she does not believe in and just wants to learn for amusement; I am just waiting for signs that that is not true. For personal security I am refusing to reveal the time of day when I was born on the grounds that “I don’t remember because I was too young”. This means she is unable to chart my future; because we all know that the speed or tardiness with which your Mum pooped you out onto the delivery table can make a massive difference to your progress through life.

Chilled

Fri, 10 Jul 2015 00:00:00 +0000

The cat does not appreciate us being away for any length of time, so a four day absence triggers a night of disruption as she climbs onto the bed at regular intervals and demands attention. Tiring for us, and also apparently also for her; because today she has spent much of the day in a cardboard box in a less than ladylike position. I have used a shallow depth of field to preserve her modesty.

Nine year nostalgia

Thu, 09 Jul 2015 00:00:00 +0000

Monday marked the ninth anniversary of my wedding to she who must be obeyed. This is of little import compared to next year’s tenth which, thanks to her own alternative conventions, she thinks will be a sodding big diamond ring event (on the grounds that I won’t be around for the official diamond anniversary); but I thought it should be marked with something. So we went to Singapore.

Fine hotel, some good food and assorted excursions; plus a wasted trip to my bank; of which more later if I can be arsed. So, mainly a good time.

Unlike almost every trip taken everywhere, I did not take a digital camera with me; so you will be relieved to know that there is not much to offer in the way of photos. Instead I took my Leica IIIC, and no film to put in it. I reckoned I would minimise the risk of airport X-ray fogging by buying film in Singapore, and so I rolled up to Ruby Camera on the morning of our second day; while the management went off to “look at some shoes”. The shop has been opened for more than fifty years and the assembled staff looked like they had been there since the opening day. Still, they were very sweet and they had the film I wanted, and were willing to lend me scissors and a ruler so I could trim the leader; provided they were allowed to watch me then load the IIIC. They almost applauded when I completed the job after a few fumbles.

Finished a couple of rolls of film, which now makes five sitting on my desk waiting to be processed. Was stopped a few times on the street by people wanting to discuss the camera, which was nice; and also took it into the Leica store for a look at its more expensive descendants.

Along the way I amused myself by taking some shots of the Leica with my phone.

You for coffee?

Lovely Lewis

Sun, 05 Jul 2015 00:00:00 +0000

Tense British GP win for Hamilton, wish I could have been there. Instead, here is a shot I took of him at the Singapore GP in 2009.

Proof of concept

Sun, 05 Jul 2015 00:00:00 +0000

She who must be obeyed suggested an evening stroll through Theppasit Market and I was too slow in thinking up an excuse not to go (“my toes hurt” was insufficient), so off we went.

Took the E-M1 along with the Panny/Leica 25mm attached and thought I might take some shots. To achieve some anonymity, I first considered folding out the screen and tapping that to take photos; but then I went a step further and connected the camera to my phone and used the phone screen to frame, focus and take the pictures. So while my left hand was surreptitiously pointing the camera in the right direction, my right hand was handling my phone as if I was just browsing Facebook as I stood in the market; like so many around me were doing.

We were only walking around for a few minutes before heading for the food stalls, but it was enough time to prove that the concept worked; even if the results were nothing special. Didn’t feel much like photography though.

Making a spectacle of myself:

Find your flirty

Fri, 03 Jul 2015 00:00:00 +0000

I suspect you would do better down Walking Street than in a shoe shop……

Structural revisit

Fri, 03 Jul 2015 00:00:00 +0000

Needing to finish off a film in my Leica IIIC, I headed back to The Structure this morning. Rick(ety) Knees had planned to join me, but then declared that 0745 was far too early for him; so it was just me, a monk, and a few followers (of the monk, not me).

As well as the film camera, I took the E-M1 and in the spirit of antiquity, I mounted a 1931 Leica Elmar on the front. I also set the camera to shoot in “Dramatic Tone”, which is Olympus-speak for “nothing at all like reality”. Some “interesting” results.

Unsafe at any speed

Mon, 29 Jun 2015 00:00:00 +0000

Some time ago, we went to the Thailand round of the FIM Motocross World Championship. It was well organised, with the expected emphasis on competitor and crowd safety. Unlike the event I attended yesterday.

A field in Huay Yai had been turned into a motorcross track and surrounded by plastic fencing. A man in the opening at the front was charging forty baht entry; at least that is what he charged me. Inside, there was a track which was not fenced off from spectators:

Shelter from the storm

Sat, 27 Jun 2015 00:00:00 +0000

Big rain in Pattaya this morning, and while we sheltered inside, this gentleman (you can just tell he is a gentleman) took refuge in a plant pot under cover of the side of the house.

Wind access blocked

Wed, 24 Jun 2015 00:00:00 +0000

Down to the windsurfing club yesterday and decided that the wind and waves were beyond the capabilities of a man of my vintage. Fortunately, I had my camera so could capture a couple of shots.

The structure

Tue, 23 Jun 2015 00:00:00 +0000

We had seen it from afar when shooting “the winkle pickers”, a long jetty with a strange structure at the end of it:

A spiritual experience

Mon, 22 Jun 2015 00:00:00 +0000

So there I was, sat on the ground in front of a structure, taking some photos (more of this later). Suddenly, there appeared a monk, walking in my general direction.

Sea stakes

Mon, 22 Jun 2015 00:00:00 +0000

Above board

Sat, 20 Jun 2015 00:00:00 +0000

Baby fighters

Sat, 20 Jun 2015 00:00:00 +0000

On the beach

Sat, 20 Jun 2015 00:00:00 +0000

I am now spending three afternoons a week on the beach, either windsurfing or paddleboarding; in a more focused effort to keep the Spike body operating beyond its sell-by date. Yesterday, the wind was still building when I arrived, so I took my camera and walked along the shore line.

There was the usual collection of junk, dead fish, and sea shells and I soon found myself playing around to create what I decided to call “The last straw”.

Landing on Apollo

Fri, 19 Jun 2015 00:00:00 +0000

Shared the exciting news with my wife this morning that the Philae lander had woken up and was transmitting again. Naturally she had no idea what I was talking about, and my explanation was met with less enthusiasm than I would have hoped for and exactly the amount of disinterest that I was expecting.

Still, this led to a discussion on how the curiosity of mankind had led to amazing feats of space exploration.

A sound inspection

Thu, 18 Jun 2015 00:00:00 +0000

She who must be obeyed has becoming increasingly certain that her lady bits have a problem; so much of a problem that, after extensive research on the wide wide world of web, the ‘C’ word had been mentioned as a possibility.

This was of course bad news. One of the benefits of signing up for a young wife is that you can be pretty sure that you will be the first to pop your clogs; thus relieving yourself of the inconvenience of having to change your own adult diapers as your descend into drooling incontinence and madness. Plus, of course, I would miss her. However, she does have a reputation for worrying herself into symptoms which later transpire to be nothing; so I was banking on this to be another such event.

I have acquired a Canon

Thu, 18 Jun 2015 00:00:00 +0000

I know what you are thinking. Spike, WTF? Or indeed, what the fuck? Why one earth would you purchase one of these “dull, black, bland, boring pieces of flappy mirror equipped, crappy sensor lumps of shit”*?

Be still your beating heart dear reader and re-holster that vitriol; because although it is a Canon, it is a 1960s Canon; and I haven’t bought it, I have it on loan from my friend Tic so I can run a film through it and evaluate it for him.

And here it is:

Tri-X on the beach

Tue, 09 Jun 2015 00:00:00 +0000

A couple of films returned last week and I was somewhat disappointed. Instead of the reader Ray recommended XP2, which gives lovely clean images like this:

Camouflage

Sun, 07 Jun 2015 00:00:00 +0000

Board

Fri, 05 Jun 2015 00:00:00 +0000

Romance of the three kingdoms

Thu, 04 Jun 2015 00:00:00 +0000

After so many years, I thought I knew of all of the attractions in the Pattaya area. So it was with some surprise that we stumbled across this place when we took a wrong turn on the way home.

Faulty wiring

Tue, 02 Jun 2015 00:00:00 +0000

Swastika graveyard

Tue, 02 Jun 2015 00:00:00 +0000

So there I was, sat in the middle of this lake...

Mon, 01 Jun 2015 00:00:00 +0000

Stand-up paddle boarding (SUP) is now one of the most popular ways of exhausting yourself on the water, and the leading player in the SUP market (and windsurfing) is Starboard which just happens to be based in Thailand; specifically, next to Lake Taco in Bangkok.

Which is why I found myself sat on a very large SUP with my camera gear in the middle of Lake Taco yesterday afternoon, to take some shots of the latest variation on the SUP theme: SUP Polo.

The competitors stand on large inflatable SUP boards inside an enclosure with goals at both ends. There is a ball, and the SUP paddles have ball-catching size holes in them so you can, theoretically, scoop the ball and chuck to another player or into the goal (you can also use the paddles for their more traditional purpose, but the large holes in them reduces their efficiency considerably). In reality, there is much splashing, crashing and general hilarity, with only the occasional goal.

I had my 12-40mm and 40-150mm lenses, both of which are waterproof but neither of which I fancied dunking in the lake. Luckily my board was large and stable so my gear was never in danger. No, the only problem was getting decent shots. There were people wearing white and people wearing all black. There were dark faces, light faces, messy backgrounds, highly reflective boards and the midday sun. All of these conspired to make photo taking difficult and I was not pleased with the results. But I am going to share some of them anyway.

Ninja SUP stance:

Blues for Nepal

Sun, 31 May 2015 00:00:00 +0000

Crap cap

Sat, 30 May 2015 00:00:00 +0000

My 1931 Leica I is the oldest camera in my collection for which film can still be found, and I really enjoy shooting with it. I carry it around in a small bag along with its rangefinder and hood; and worry about the front of the lens becoming scratched because it has no lens cap.

But now it does. Several weeks of watching on eBay finally revealed what I was looking for; an original black-painted brass cap. Just like the camera, the paint has been rubbed away to reveal the brass and the two look just right together. At eight four years old, everything should look a little battered.

Sparks

Sat, 30 May 2015 00:00:00 +0000

Concrete crap

Fri, 29 May 2015 00:00:00 +0000

With only a few shots remaining on the film residing within my Leica I, I head off to Nong Nuch this morning to finish the roll. Along for the ride is the E-M1 with the 50mm F2 Summarit from the Leica III stuck on the front.

On the beach

Fri, 29 May 2015 00:00:00 +0000

Unbeknown to the readership of this most esteemed organ, I have done very little in the way of exercise for many, many months.

Three weeks ago I decided to do something about it and since then have resolved to get my lazy arse onto the beach at least three times a week and either windsurf or paddle an SUP board; and I must admit I feel a whole lot more healthy for having started moving my body again.

Today I did a bit of windsurfing and then stuck my camera in the general direction of the Gulf of Thailand, which also was the general direction of the setting sun. Still, the Olympus 40-150mm gave me a few shots.

If you catch any fish, can I have some?

Thu, 28 May 2015 00:00:00 +0000

Winkle pickers

Sun, 24 May 2015 00:00:00 +0000

Before I receive a deluge* of complaints, I know that the subject of this post does not relate to winkles, but if you are of a certain age you will understand.

Anyway, reader Ray, he of much photography knowledge and far too many cameras, has come to live in Pattaya to escape the photographic wasteland that is Hua Hin. I have dragged him round my usual spots; but he has already found some new places where lenses can be pointed. One of these is a beach north of Naklua where hordes descend at low tide to extract winkles (not really winkles, see above).

We went this morning, but the tide was high when we arrived and so it was an hour or so before people started heading onto the beach, by which time the light was crap. We will return again when there is an early morning low tide. Meantime, a few shots that show the potential of the location.

Lion and lines

Fri, 22 May 2015 00:00:00 +0000

Chanthaburi riverside

Thu, 21 May 2015 00:00:00 +0000

Bike

Wed, 20 May 2015 00:00:00 +0000

Cathedral Comparison

Tue, 19 May 2015 00:00:00 +0000

Shot 1: 1951 Leica

Not the target market

Mon, 18 May 2015 00:00:00 +0000

To the Max

Sat, 16 May 2015 00:00:00 +0000

In the late 1970s, an Australian doctor and his friend acquired a budget of around US$300,000 and dragged a few shitty cars into the desert to make a modern western called Mad Max, featuring an unknown actor called Mel Gibson who went on to be extremely successful before becoming extremely weird. Mad Max did very well commercially and the doctor, George Miller, gave up the scalpel and embarked upon Max Max: The Road Warrior which was released in 1981.

Flower pose

Thu, 14 May 2015 00:00:00 +0000

Chanthaburi

Tue, 12 May 2015 00:00:00 +0000

The road to Chanthaburi is paved with ill intentions. In fact, much of it is not paved at all, and all of it appears to frequented by idiots. And then there are the traffic lights. Oh my lord, Jim, you should see the traffic lights. I lost count at 732. In summary, a trip to Chanthaburi is not a lot of fun.

But we went anyway; because our house was finally free of visitors and we decided that we were due a break, just the two of us, plus all the idiots on the road, and the traffic lights.

The good news is that Chanthaburi is only 140 kilometres from Pattaya. The bad news is that, for reasons already mentioned (oh, and the rain), it takes almost two and a half hours; even employing driving techniques that elicited sharp intakes of breath and squeaking noises from the passenger seat.

She who must be obeyed had selected our hotel, the Kasemsarn; which is situated right next to the old part of town that runs next to the river, and is in walking distance of the massive market area. Given that the old town and the market are the only possible reasons you might want to visit Chanthaburi city, it was a good choice.

We checked in and headed straight out for a walk through the old town…

The tunnel

Mon, 11 May 2015 00:00:00 +0000

Analogue sounds

Sun, 10 May 2015 00:00:00 +0000

Vertical challenge

Sat, 09 May 2015 00:00:00 +0000

Pensive

Fri, 08 May 2015 00:00:00 +0000

Familiar ground

Tue, 05 May 2015 00:00:00 +0000

An outing this afternoon with my guru, reader Ray, who has recently moved to the area from the wastelands of Hua Hin and is looking for photo opportunities. With the mass migration back to Bangkok in full swing, it’s down the back roads to my favourite shooting area; with a visit to Viharn Sien followed by a quick trip around the Thai temple complex. Ray had his Leica M240, I had my Leica 0 film camera; and I also brought along my six year old GF1 just for fun. Set it to shoot “Dynamic Black & White” and just snapped away in between “magnificently considered and bound to be masterpieces” produced with the film camera.

As the Viharn Sien visitors faded away, we behaved with no respect to capture a couple of shots of the Leica’s.

Grand Time Theft Auto

Tue, 05 May 2015 00:00:00 +0000

My lack of posts over the past week or so can be attributed to lethargy, visitors, heat and the price of fish; but the main culprit has consumed forty three hours of my life so far and is likely to consume several more before I am done. During those forty three hours I have:

Driven more than 1,000 kilometres. Played golf and tennis. Raced jet skis, cars and bikes. Flown helicopter and fixed wing aircraft. Purchased a range of business establishments. Accumulated a personal fortune in excess of 250 million dollars.

Unwelcome invasion

Mon, 04 May 2015 00:00:00 +0000

A perfect storm of public holidays means that those who have to work for a living have had a five day break. Good for them, but why the fuck did the majority decide to come to Pattaya?

This question applies not only to all residents of Bangkok; but also to she who must be obeyed’s extended family who have descended in large numbers for reasons unclear. Fortunately, there are too many of them to stay with us; so for the last two days my wife has left home early in the morning to spend the days amongst the hordes on local beaches. She has long since given up on asking whether I would like to come too; which means I have had a couple of peaceful days at home with the pussy.

Unfortunately, such has been the volume of traffic (the worst I have known in the ten+ years of living here), I have not been able to venture out for a decent photo trip; although I did pop out down my secret back-road route yesterday to put a film through my recently refurbished Yashica.

Recovery mode

Thu, 30 Apr 2015 00:00:00 +0000

It has taken a few days to restore the infrastructure that was destroyed by the storm a week ago.

First for attention was the security system, and the installing contractor arrived the following morning to inspect the damage. The extremely robust UPS had been reduced to rubble. as had one security camera. Not a problem apparently, and both are off for repair under warranty. Apparently acts of god are not a reason to invalidate a warranty in Thailand, thank god. So surveillance, with one blind spot, was up and running again; which pleased she who must be obeyed because she likes to review the security footage to track the stray cats that roam the garden during the night. Money well spent….

How to wash a car

Fri, 24 Apr 2015 00:00:00 +0000

Yesterday afternoon was spent washing our two vehicles to remove all the Songkran crap. I employed slightly different approaches as detailed below:

How to wash a BMW 220i:

Make cooing loving noises.
Wash off surface dirt using a power washer; being careful not to spray too close.
Use foam soap attachment on power washer to cover car with Meguiar’s expensive car shampoo.
Wash off using power washer.
Put more expensive shampoo in a bucket with water and wipe entire body with sponge dedicated to the purpose.
With a separate sponge clean the wheels.
Wash off using power washer.
Using Meguiar’s expensive drying cloth, dry body.
Spray body with Meguiar’s Extreme Detailer and dry off with Meguiar’s cloth.
Spray glass with Meguiar’s glass cleaner and dry off with Meguiar’s cloth.
Drive car round block and apply brakes to dry off disks.
Final inspection and dry off any water runs following drive.
Make cooing loving noises.

Total time: about one and a half hours.

An unwelcome gift.

Thu, 23 Apr 2015 00:00:00 +0000

She who must be obeyed arrived home and advised me that one of her friends had brought a present for me.

“One of my friends has brought a present for you. It’s carefully formulated cleansing soap for a gentleman’s most intimate area”

“Sound exotic!”

“I’ll put it in the bathroom for you”

She did. I haven’t used it.

Deceptive bends

Thu, 23 Apr 2015 00:00:00 +0000

Something happened

Wed, 22 Apr 2015 00:00:00 +0000

In town today and there was a small storm. Came home to a scene of (comparative) devastation.

First problem: no internet. Discovered that my fancy and expensive new router had been fried, as had the modem; in spite of them both being connected through a spike resistant UPS. Dragged out an old modem to discover there was no internet, and then there was, and then there wasn’t again; and so it has continued throughout the afternoon and evening. When it is working it is painfully slow. “The technician will call us back”.

It's back, and it's beautiful

Tue, 21 Apr 2015 00:00:00 +0000

Shapes on the path

Tue, 21 Apr 2015 00:00:00 +0000

Pattaya Songkran Beauty Queen

Sun, 19 Apr 2015 00:00:00 +0000

Bangsaen wan lai 2015

Fri, 17 Apr 2015 00:00:00 +0000

The full horror horror of Songkran doesn’t hit Pattaya until this weekend, but events are creeping closer as Bangsaen had its Songkran bash today. Unlike Pattaya, which is a culture-free soak-fest fuelled by dicks with stomachs and tattoos on Beach Road, Bangsaen actually has something to offer apart from a face full of sewer water.

The main attraction is the stupa building competition on the beach, where assorted erections vie for trophies. Like so many events, I learned about it from Richard Barrow. so it was no great surprise to meet him on the beach. I informed him he was responsible for my buying a juicer and a drone; while forgetting to mention he also was responsible for my recent subscription to Thai Expat TV. I also failed to mention that he was responsible for my recent flurry of Leica purchases; mainly because he wasn’t; but he is a convenient excuse when explaining vital expenditures to my wife. He is worth a follow on Facebook/Twitter if you want to know about upcoming events in Thailand.

Songkran in Bangsaen is a two day event, but I had falsely assumed that yesterday would be fairly quiet. Needing to entertain my wife’s little sister, we headed down after lunch yesterday and found ourselves in a massive jam heading for the beach. After an hour we found a U-turn and escaped home. This morning we were back at 0830 and could enjoy the beach sculptures for a couple of hours before leaving in advance of the water bearing hordes.

Some of the stupas had been made entirely of sand, some were sand on top of a foam base, and others made no pretence of belonging on the beach at all. But with the proud constructors in attendance as the judges made their inspections, it was a pleasant place to walk for an hour.

Lamps

Thu, 16 Apr 2015 00:00:00 +0000

Thereby hangs a tail

Mon, 13 Apr 2015 00:00:00 +0000

It’s been a while since I dragged my Olympus out of the cupboard. Several weeks of playing with film, followed by a period of wet weather, general lethargy and a burning need to complete The Talos Principle (42 hours); meant that my digital camera has not been in my hands for a while. And given that Songkran is upon us and I therefore don’t intend going anywhere for the next week, the chances of anything photographic happening is remote. But then she who must be obeyed spotted this in the garden:

Thai Expat TV

Sat, 11 Apr 2015 00:00:00 +0000

Back in the days of the Raj (or maybe slightly later, after TV was invented), British TV had the reputation of being the best in the world. Things changed over the years and nowadays the very best comes out the USA. The last couple of years has included gems such as the conclusion of Breaking Bad, Fargo and True Detective. Recently I have enjoyed Better Call Saul, the Breaking Bad spin-off, and this weekend sees the return of Game of Thrones and Veep. All these very popular series are available via torrents.

'Everything put together, sooner or later falls apart'

Thu, 09 Apr 2015 00:00:00 +0000

So droned Paul Simon; and around here it is sooner rather than later.

Take the magnificent upgrade to Beach Road a year or so ago. It was the latest in a long line of Beach Road improvement projects; each completely negating the need for the ones that went before. The latest enterprise was budgeted at a declared 155 million baht, disrupted traffic for a year, and resulted in a wider road (which could have been achieved with parking management), offset by a narrower footpath with embedded palm trees. The result looked reasonably tidy, if lacking in any charm, for a while. But it soon became clear that the quality of the construction was low quality, and absolutely no allowance had been made for drainage to cope with the large quantity of water that arrives on Beach Road after every storm. Flooding was as bad as ever and the deluges started to wash away all the hard work. The latest storm this week demonstrated yet again the robustness of the new path:

Leica Series 0 review

Sun, 05 Apr 2015 00:00:00 +0000

The following is a reprint from “The London Gentleman’s Photographic Journal” - June 1923 Edition

Greetings gentle readers, and welcome to a special report from Wetzlar in Germany, where interesting things are happening at microscope makers Ernst Leitz Optische Werke. Our host today is a Herr Oskar Barnack and he has provided us with a prototype of a camera which Leitz is considering putting into production. It’s called the Leica (Leitz/Camera), and here it is:

Evening

Sat, 04 Apr 2015 00:00:00 +0000

HSBC. The final fuck off

Sat, 04 Apr 2015 00:00:00 +0000

Last time we met, the goons at HSBC had assured me that all I had to do to close my account was to provide the details of the bank account that would be the beneficiary of my business in future. I had done that, they had responded that they would close my account in three days; but there remained a lingering doubt that this would be the end of the matter.

Then the phone rang.

As I was engaged elsewhere in the house, completing a mission given by my wife, I did not reach the phone in time. It was a UK number so I called it back. “Welcome to HSBC….” I put the phone down. Contacting HSBC requires the provision of several codes, none of which I have because I never call them. Never mind, they would call me back if they really wanted to speak to me.

Then, just as I was about to retire for the night, I received a mail from HSBC telling me to call them and quote a million digit reference number. Wanting to put this to bed before I put myself to bed, I went into the garden where the reception is better and, with a heavy heart, I called them.

Can you give me your personal banking telephone call pin number?

I don’t have one, I never call you. Until now.

Oh. Well please answer some security questions.

This went on for a while as I am sure I answered some questions incorrectly, including my current address as it became clear that my change of address instructions provided some months previously had not been actioned.

Having proved I was me, the HSBC representative suggested he could call me back. Having ascertained that “it would only take a couple of minutes” to complete our business, I decided to continue. I had no desire to sit in my garden at midnight waiting for a call that may or may not come.

He explained that closing an account required a verification team to call me and verify my instructions. As my instructions had come via internet banking, wherein I could empty my accounts if I wished, this seemed a superfluous step, but there was no point in sharing that view. He also explained that my internet banking would be turned off once the transfer was approved and I better have a phone banking pin number in case I needed to contact the bank again. I could set this on my phone, right now, after which I would be returned to him. I agreed, and control was handed to a machine.

Please enter a new 6 digit number.

I did.

Sorry. I do not recognise that. Please enter again.

I did.

Sorry. I do not recognise that. Please enter again.

I did.

Sorry. I do not recognise that. I am transferring you to one of our representatives.

A lady answers the phone and I explain what has happened.

Can you give me your personal banking telephone call pin number?

I don’t have one, I never call you. Until now.

Oh. Well please answer some security questions.

And off we go again.

Questions finally answered, she confirms my account will be closed and says goodbye. But I am not finished.

The gentleman I was talking to suggested I should have a new phone banking pin, in case I need to contact you.

Good idea, I will arrange to send you one.

Can’t I do it over the phone? If you recall, it was trying to do that which ended up with you answering my call.

Well, one of your accounts has been dormant for some time, so I can only send you a new pin by post.

So, why did your colleague agree to do this over the phone some ten minutes ago?

Well, one of your accounts has been dormant for some time, so I can only send you a new pin by post.

Very large sigh OK.

Of course, because they had not registered my new address, they sent it to my old address. So I had to bribe the receptionist at my old address with a box of cookies to sign for it, and drive across town to pick it up; and it is useless anyway because I also need a “personal banking code” which I don’t have.

But none of this matters, because yesterday, after a couple of stressful days of waiting, the funds from HSBC arrived in my new bank in Singapore.

The ordeal is over. HSBC; kindly fuck off.

Apparently it is Easter

Fri, 03 Apr 2015 00:00:00 +0000

Unlike Christmas, Thai retail outlets see no commercial advantage in promoting Easter, and so it tends to pass by without me knowing.

However, I have seen mentions on Facebook by those who enjoy celebrating the occasion (by having time off work); and it occurred to me that such an event would be very popular with the modern clickbait crowd.

Facebook is now awash with posts where entirely mundane videos and stories are pumped up with taglines such as “you won’t believe what happens next!” You know, this sort of thing:

I reckon a resurrection story would get a load of hits; so if anyone has spotted someone who has recently died reappearing at the local shops; please let me know.

Anyway, enough of the fairy stories; on this most sacred of weekends it is important that we focus on the real symbol of Easter, these:

Define 'early'

Fri, 03 Apr 2015 00:00:00 +0000

HSBC can fuck off. Again. And again.

Thu, 26 Mar 2015 00:00:00 +0000

Weary readers may recall my most recent tirade against HSBC; this one about their requirement that I prove where I live. When we left the story, our hero had at some cost, gathered the required information for despatch to HSBC in the UK.

And so I did, by going down to the local post office and sending an EMS package. End of that little problem I thought. Not so fast, said fate.

If genuinej or ChristianPFC manned a suicide help line....

Wed, 25 Mar 2015 00:00:00 +0000

Comments 🔗

2015-03-25 | Grant says

Cruel… but intertesting!

2015-03-30 | ChristianPFC says

So true! Thank you for sharing.

2015-04-12 | ChristianPFC - Adventures in Thailand: Oh my god! ChristianPFC in the Sunday Funnies says

[…] will leave it to someone else. But wait! My fame has spread elsewhere: 2015_03_if-genuinej-or-christianpfc-manned-a-suicide-help-line Copyright remains with the original artists Posted by ChristianPFC at 12:00 […]

Something a little fishy

Wed, 25 Mar 2015 00:00:00 +0000

Got soul

Mon, 23 Mar 2015 00:00:00 +0000

The Magnificent Seven

Mon, 23 Mar 2015 00:00:00 +0000

Happy birthday to this (again).

Seven years 2,438 posts 697,544 views 5,477 comments

The management and staff of Pattaya Days thanks you for your continued patronage. We are taking the day off to celebrate. There may be cake.

Comments 🔗

2015-03-23 | subroto mukerji says

Watch it ! Yul Brynner might just stop by…

2015-03-23 | genuinej says

Congratulations and thanks. Here’s to the next seven. Don’t overdo the cake.

In da Club

Sun, 22 Mar 2015 00:00:00 +0000

Being an anti-social sort of guy I tend to avoid anything that could in any way be described as a club. The Pattaya Expats Club for example; wouldn’t get me there in a thousand years. It could of course be full of interesting and stimulating people and nothing at all like my perception, which is based on no evidence, that it is full of overweight Americans braying on about the myriad failings of Thailand and the Thais. As my grandmother used to say; fuck that for a game of soldiers.

I say ORAKO, you say OKARO

Sat, 21 Mar 2015 00:00:00 +0000

Let’s have a dispute about it.

Once you dip even a casual toe into the arcane world of Leica, you realise that apart from producing some of the world’s most expensive cameras, they have also manufactured shitloads of accessories over the years. Almost all of these are given five character names, a standard that was set when “Leitz” was mashed up with “camera” to produce LEICA.

Feeble camera history geek that I am, I found all this to be fascinating and have delved lightly into the subject, and deeply into the requirement for one particular accessory. My Leica IIIC is in factory fresh condition having had a CLA; the only weak point being a feeble rangefinder image. This could be resolved by replacing the beam splitter in the rangefinder unit; but Leica don’t make them any more (their parts service for sixty year old products is a little limited); and even if I could find one it would mean sending my camera overseas for an expensive repair.

Fortunately, there is a much cheaper alternative; place an orange filter over one of the viewfinders to accentuate the difference between the two images. Of course Leica had an accessory that carried out this function, in fact it had two. For the earlier cameras there was the ORAKO (orange Kolor?) filter, and for my IIIC and later cameras which have a bigger viewfinder window there was the OKARO (fuck knows). They both looked similar and seemed to come in a variety of slightly different designs, so I had to rely on the expertise of the seller to ensure I purchased the right model.

So I went onto eBay and bought an OKARO. After a couple of weeks it arrived and with my little face shiny with anticipation I tore open the package and installed the filter on my camera. Except I didn’t, because it was too small. It perched neatly on top of the viewfinder window such that I could use it if I lay on my back; but it was not suitable for any other positions.

Mistimed mysticism

Sat, 21 Mar 2015 00:00:00 +0000

She who must be obeyed’s latest hobby is making jewelry. Little packets of stones and fittings arrive daily from all over the world (actually, China) and she spends many happy hours creating bracelets which I universally admire; because that is what husbands do.

This morning her collection of ~~worthless~~ ~~semi-precious~~ precious stones were laid out in the garden under the sun. I had to ask why.

“Why are your stones laying out in the sun?”

It's a matter of principle

Fri, 20 Mar 2015 00:00:00 +0000

Been a bit quiet over the past week, because I have been busy. Some time has been spent firing off abusive emails at courier companies who have spectacularly failed to process a shipment through Bangkok airport; more on that later. But most effort has been expended on that most noble of human pursuits, computer gaming.

Two culprits; least time consuming first, but only because I only discovered it yesterday.

Besiege is a physics-based game where you are given a a wide assortment of components and have to construct machines to blow up buildings and kill things. The things include troops and sheep; that latter mentioned as a game highlight in the publicity material as “combustible livestock”.

Head on

Sun, 15 Mar 2015 00:00:00 +0000

The birth of 'full frame'

Sun, 15 Mar 2015 00:00:00 +0000

A full frame digital camera is the aspiration of many photographers, but I expect most do not know the history of “full frame” which can be traced back to the work of a very clever German chap called Oskar Barnack.

“Full frame” refers to the size of the sensor which matches the size of 35mm film. As the world moved to digital photography, it made sense for camera manufacturers to offer models withe same size sensor as the film in their increasingly obsolete cameras, so they could continue to flog the same lenses on the new models. So the full frame digital has its history in 35mm, which in turn is the bastard love child of cine film.

There were various sizes of cine film developed in the early days of the industry; but it was the 35mm size which came to dominate. The film stock was produced by George Eastman of Kodak fame and William Dickson, working for Thomas Edison, developed the cine cameras. Such was the success of 35mm cine film, there was soon miles of the stuff lying around just waiting for some bright spark to think up another use for it. So it didn’t take too long for people to start building stills cameras based around the format. Although patents were issued as early as 1905, it wasn’t until 1913 that the first commercially produced 35mm camera became available, the Tourist Multiple:

Not everyone wanted a suitcase with a lens on it and it sold less than 100 units. Plus, it only shot half frame images, and the world would have to wait another year for the first ever full frame camera, the Simplex:

About 27 of these were produced of which six still exist and if you have one you could sell it and buy a house.

Around the same time, Oskar Barnack, working for Leitz produced his first attempt at a 35mm camera, the UR-Leica:

Unlike previous 35mm cameras, it was small and actually looked like it had been manufactured rather than thrown together in a shed in the dark using drift wood. Unfortunately, Barnack’s promising start was put on hold while lots of people had a war, but then in 1921-23 he produced the 0 Series prototypes:

Between 25 and 31 of these were produced of which 12 survive. The one above was sold in 2012 for 2.16 million Euros, making it the most expensive camera ever sold. And it doesn’t even have a selfie feature…

Finally, in 1925, came the world’s first mass production 35mm camera, the Leica I (or Leica A):

Ninety years on, it’s easy not to appreciate just how advanced this camera was for its time. Gone were the rather bizarre operating procedures of the Leica prototype and other cameras. With the Leica I, you wound on the film, set the shutter speed and aperture, squinted through the little viewfinder and pressed the gorgeous little shutter button. Just what you would do today; only slower. The camera was constructed in black-painted brass with nickel fittings and Oskar no doubt thought to himself “in ninety years time the paint will be rubbing off to show the brass and this will look fucking cool”; except he would think it in German.

Stuck on the front of this mini-masterpiece was a lens designed by Max Berek who also worked at Leitz and it set the standard for the quality of Leica lenses that continues today. The combined skills of Barack and Berek resulted in a small camera that could take wonderful photos; just what the world was waiting for.

The Leica I sold well and turned Leitz into a serious camera manufacturer that dominated news, street and reportage photography for many years. It also established the 35mm format as the standard for photography for the future.

So I decided I had to add one to the Spike museum:

Thai Visa can fuck off

Fri, 13 Mar 2015 00:00:00 +0000

I have a love/hate relationship with the Thai Visa website. It can be a useful source of answers to questions about everyday life in Thailand; and the photography area can be quite fun. The downside is the preponderance of whining, racist farangs who populate most of the site, and the aggressive levels of moderation which become evident at times.

Worst of all is the obscene amount of advertising which dominates every visit. I appreciate that these sites need to earn money to survive, or in this case prosper, but Thai Visa goes way over the top.

That polo emotion

Fri, 13 Mar 2015 00:00:00 +0000

Olympus 40-150mm F2.8 Pro Review

Tue, 10 Mar 2015 00:00:00 +0000

My, how we’ve grown

We better kick off by discussing the “elephant in the room”, which in the case of the 40-150mm is that it is a bit of an elephant; especially in the context of the theoretically “micro” in “Micro Four Thirds”.

This can best be illustrated by sitting the lens, mounted on the E-M1, next to my very first M43 purchase; the Panasonic GF1 and 20mm lens:

Parp

Sun, 08 Mar 2015 00:00:00 +0000

Lurking lizard

Fri, 06 Mar 2015 00:00:00 +0000

Hotel

Wed, 04 Mar 2015 00:00:00 +0000

A letter from Kevin Harper

Tue, 03 Mar 2015 00:00:00 +0000

The UK Government begrudgingly pays me a state pension and no doubt wishes it could stop doing so, as I don’t vote. Their latest scheme to terminate my pension took the form of a letter demanding that I provided proof that I was still alive; with such proof being required back in the UK some four days after I received their request. They rather snottily referred to a previous letter which they sent me in November to which I had not replied because perhaps I was dead. The actual reason I had not replied was because I never received their letter.

Shooting action with the E-M1 and Firmware 3.0

Mon, 02 Mar 2015 00:00:00 +0000

When I bought my first M43 camera in 2009, a GF!, I was a dedicated Canon man with a bag of gear and a tired back. As my M43 collection increased, my Canon collection dwindled; and eventually all I had left was a Canon 1D4 and the 300mm F2.8 lens. The reason I held onto this very expensive, very heavy and very competent combination was to satisfy a need for action photography, especially polo. In the end, I could not justify keeping $10,000 of gear for such limited application and the last of my Canon gear was sold; and I accepted that action shots would not be possible with M43 due to the inability of the cameras to track moving subjects. I did try, with the E-M5, and the results were pathetic.

Then along came the E-M1 with PDAF on the sensor. Completely ignoring my usual ritual of “new camera, take a cat shot”, I rushed out and tried to track some oncoming traffic. The results were promising:

Hidden Buddha

Fri, 27 Feb 2015 00:00:00 +0000

Pony up

Fri, 27 Feb 2015 00:00:00 +0000

The Oscars can fuck off

Tue, 24 Feb 2015 00:00:00 +0000

Settled down with a post-breakfast coffee yesterday and she who must be obeyed discovered that The Oscars were live on TV. This was probably not a good discovery, for we then spent the next 2-3 hours transfixed as we watched the evolving car crash that is this annual vomit-fest. Half of the time was spent watching Thai advertising breaks which struggled to last as long as the American breaks that they were shadowing. This was the highlight. The rest of the time I watched with rising contempt and despair as assorted millionaires lined up to praise, weep and applaud each other in an orgy of self-congratulation.

A surprise evacuation

Sat, 21 Feb 2015 00:00:00 +0000

Lunch yesterday was fried fish, rice, and a vegetable that we had not eaten before. It looked like this:

It was cooked by she who must be obeyed, and it was delicious; so much so that I finished off the plate of veggie after she declared herself full.

About six hours later I felt the need for a poo. Quite a strong need, but nothing that indicated that anything was amiss. Settled on the toilet with my iPad, as you do, and prepared to offer a few more turds to the septic tank.

Foggy fishing

Sat, 21 Feb 2015 00:00:00 +0000

Fairground Attraction

Thu, 19 Feb 2015 00:00:00 +0000

A smooth extension

Wed, 18 Feb 2015 00:00:00 +0000

Not, you will be sad to learn, the long overdue and heavily illustrated treatise on my most magnificent genitals; but a brief report on my dealings with Pattaya Immigration Department.

Yes, it’s that time of year where I become all worked up over having to extend my stay in this fine country on the basis that I am retired. A degree of stress was justified in earlier years as the system was chaotic and you could be lost for hours in a tangle of bureaucracy and sweaty foreigners; only to be rejected and told to return the following day to repeat the process. Recently however, my handling of the process and the working of Immigration have both improved significantly; such that I was significantly more relaxed than usual when I decided to do the deed yesterday.

New Adventures in Lo-Fi

Mon, 16 Feb 2015 00:00:00 +0000

Home invasion

Sun, 15 Feb 2015 00:00:00 +0000

The back area of our house contains what my wife describes as a “Thai kitchen”; which means it is somewhere she can go to cook things that would produce cat-killing fumes if performed inside the house.

Yesterday she came rushing in from her Thai kitchen in a state of some panic, demanding that I come and confront a home invasion that was taking place at the rear of the property. I hoped for a large snake, I got this:

Burapa Bike Week 2015

Sat, 14 Feb 2015 00:00:00 +0000

Wat Pha Sorn Kaew

Fri, 13 Feb 2015 00:00:00 +0000

Phetchabun and back

Wed, 11 Feb 2015 00:00:00 +0000

Time for another road trip; prompted again by she who must be obeyed finding a photo of something on the wide wide world of web and asking “shall we go there?” I always answer “yes”, and then she finds out that the location is in Croatia which is a little far and we forget about it. But this time it was a temple in Phetchabun, so off we went.

Eschewing cross-country shenanigans, we drove to Bangkok, took route 9, then route 1, before heading due north on the 21. What a fine road. Dual carriage-way, light traffic and a central reservation awash with colourful flowers and trimmed bushes. Nothing like kilometres of trimmed bushes to lift your mood. Finally we arrived at route 12 which will be a massively impressive mega-lane motorway through the mountains when it is completed sometime in the next century; but for now it is a single track nightmare which had to be carefully negotiated before we arrived at our hotel.

Dark contemplation

Tue, 10 Feb 2015 00:00:00 +0000

Buddhas in a sphere

Sun, 08 Feb 2015 00:00:00 +0000

### Comments

2015-02-11 | ChristianPFC says

Where was this picture taken (didn’t find this information in EXIF on flickr)?

2015-02-11 | Spike says

That’s because it’s not there. Wait till the next post on Wat Pha Sorn Kaew; or look it up on Google maps.

2015-02-14 | ChristianPFC says

How can a polished stainless steel globe show the mirror image of something that is behind it? Same for 2015_02_wat-pha-sorn-kaew

HSBC can fuck off

Sat, 07 Feb 2015 00:00:00 +0000

I have let rip at the world’s local bank on a few occasions over the years, and once again they have conspired to raise my blood pressure to blog posting point.

Regular readers may recall I gave up on HSBC and moved most of the Spike millions into the indifferent coffers of UOB Singapore. Final closure of my HSBC account is awaiting the move of my paltry government pension from HSBC to UOB. Until that happens, and a request to move it seems to have become lost in the system, I am maintaining a small balance at HSBC which is slightly increased every month when the pension arrives.

Megapixels

Fri, 06 Feb 2015 00:00:00 +0000

Yesterday, Olympus announced the new E-M5. After much internal deliberation and focus group discussion, the name of the new camera is the, wait for it, E-M5II. Catchy.

While the name maybe nothing special (I’d have gone with the Olympus Ninja; which is why I never worked in marketing), the camera does offer some solid upgrades from the old model. Stabilisation is even better than before; as is video and the overall camera hardware. Olympus didn’t make any noise about the sensor performance; but those who have tested it say that high ISO performance is improved.

In the country of the blind

Wed, 04 Feb 2015 00:00:00 +0000

Wanna buy a condo?

Wed, 04 Feb 2015 00:00:00 +0000

The restaurant

Tue, 03 Feb 2015 00:00:00 +0000

The water vendor

Tue, 03 Feb 2015 00:00:00 +0000

Recent images

Sun, 01 Feb 2015 00:00:00 +0000

Have not posted photos for a while, so here are the results from the last week. Five different film cameras, two of which were loaned to me, shooting at a variety of locations. Enjoy!

Techno-joy

Fri, 30 Jan 2015 00:00:00 +0000

When we left our hero (me), he was struggling with the installation of a new NAS drive. If I was previously in a tunnel, there now appears to be some light at the end of it.

First of all, I managed to get the data off the old drive and onto the new one. The downloading was more onerous than the uploading. The final batch was 334gb and took more than 18 hours to copy onto a USB drive. The upload onto the new NAS with USB 3 took less than 2 hours. That’s progress.

I love my wife

Thu, 29 Jan 2015 00:00:00 +0000

And as she was returning today from two days away attending a funeral, I thought I would meet here wearing something that clearly proclaimed my love:

And it was all yellow

Mon, 26 Jan 2015 00:00:00 +0000

As a gentleman reaches middle age, and I am certainly heading in that direction, it may be that the colour of one’s hair changes from the original hue to something resembling grey, or even white. I have no problem with this because ~~I hide it with a hat~~ I think it would make me look more distinguished and educated; not that I am either of these in reality.

Sadly, my hair has stubbornly refused to change to a silvery grey. Instead, if I compare it to a colour chart, it is closest to “mucky vomit yellow grey”; not something to be sported on the pages of Thai Tatler. I am not alone with this problem and in Europe you can purchase a number of treatments that help make your grey hair go grey. But I have searched the shelves of many outlets in Thailand in search of one of these products, with no success. The problem is that Thai males rarely go grey. Either it is something genetic, or they regularly soak their hair in one of the many hair dyeing treatments which clog up the male hair product sections where I searched in vain for my grey hair miracle lotion.

I was describing this problem to The Son during his visit to Thailand, and within a week of his return to the UK I was advised of a parcel. It has now arrived.

NASty times

Mon, 26 Jan 2015 00:00:00 +0000

As you might imagine, I have tens of thousands of photos. It wouldn’t be the end of the world if I lost them all; but I do try and make an attempt to keep them safe. My recent photos sit on my computer and are backed up to a separate disk in the same computer. Every few months I move images off my computer and store the photos, along with the rest of my collection, on a network attached drive (NAS). This NAS has only one drive in it, so I then back up the contents of that NAS to another NAS (still with me?).

As you might imagine, this is a long process, with the back up of NAS to NAS taking nearly twenty four hours. The good news is that I haven’t had to do this for nearly two years. The bad news is that this is because my NAS drives will not support more than one terabyte and are full. Which means my computer is filling up with photos as far back as 2012.

Summary: I need a new NAS.

The Son to the rescue (again). In the box containing hair products, there was also a Synology DS215J NAS, just waiting to accept the two 3TB drives sitting in my drawer. Good times.

I originally purchased Synology because they have a reputation for working well with Macs; plus their operating system does many clever things. So it was with some excitement that sat down on Saturday to install my new toy. Two days later the excitement has dimmed somewhat.

On reflection, I should have paid heed to my experiences while attempting to update firmware on my existing Synology some five years ago. It’s worth revisiting this story here; not so much for the post, but for the comments which became somewhat vitriolic thanks to someone called Jacob who took objection to me and life in general.

Anyway, back to the new adventure. The very brief, four page instruction sheet indicated that I should insert my disks in the NAS; so I did. Then it told me I should plug the NAS into my network and turn it on; so I did. Then I should enter http://find.synology.com in my browser and the system would find my NAS and initialise it; so I did and it didn’t find it. So I downloaded the latest Synology Assistant as an alternative and used that to find the NAS. It didn’t. The bastard just sat there blinking, avoiding all attempts at communication.

After an hour or so of aimless fucking around, I booted into Windows where the NAS was immediately discovered and initialised. So much for playing well with a Mac.

Time to download some of the sexy utilities onto the NAS. Whoops, it can’t access the internet. Four hours later, after forays into the dark art of networking, in areas where I am not qualified to operate (i.e. all of them), in both Windows and Mac OS; I gave up on the sexy utility option. Maybe later.

With evening approaching, I decided I should copy all my photos on the old NAS to the new NAS. A simple drag and drop seemed to be all that was required. What I received instead was a drag and hang. Every attempt to copy from one to the other crashed the browser, in both Windows and Mac (I spent much of the day jumping between operating systems in search of a working solution. And when I write “jumping”, I mean painfully slow Windows boots). I will spare you the details, but after night had fallen I gave up and plugged a USB drive into the old NAS and copied some images onto it; then plugged it into the new NAS and copied them across. With nearly 1TB of images and a small USB drive, this is taking some time and is still in progress as I write this. Once that is done I can get rid of the old NAS units and concentrate on moving images from my computer onto the new box.

Which still leaves the issue of internet connectivity. I could take a six month course in networking in an attempt to make it work; but instead I am employing my usual strategy of throwing money at the problem, by buying a new gigabit router that is on the Synology approved list of “routers that our NAS can work with and connect to the internet without a problem. Honestly”.

I remain cautiously pessimistic.

Pattaya Bed Race 2015

Mon, 26 Jan 2015 00:00:00 +0000

The Bed Race is an annual institution which, sad man that I am, I have attended on a regular basis in order to snap the unusual participants and the resulting rather feeble “race”. The 2015 race happened yesterday, starting at 1600; which true to tradition was actually more like 1730, and I was there with my cameras to snap the event.

Except this time my cameras were the dinky Leica IIIC and the loaned Leica M6; film cameras both. Which means I will have no photos to show until the films have been sent to Bangkok for processing, returned and scanned; and even then I may not share because they might be crap. So all I can offer is a re-run of last year’s shots. You are welcome.

People keep lending me Leicas

Fri, 23 Jan 2015 00:00:00 +0000

Not so long ago I was loaned a Leica IIIC, wartime edition. I liked it so much, I ended up with one of my own; so the house was hosting two Leicas.

Then yesterday a visitor arrived and offered me yet another Leica, two lenses and a handful of films, with clear instructions that I should spend the next week enjoying it.

So now I have three Leicas to play with!

I want my 60' TV

Wed, 21 Jan 2015 00:00:00 +0000

Certainly sir, our delivery service will have it to you in no time at all. Unless it rains, or he hits something.

Shared selfie

Wed, 21 Jan 2015 00:00:00 +0000

Best friends

Tue, 20 Jan 2015 00:00:00 +0000

Hanoi pedestrian

Tue, 20 Jan 2015 00:00:00 +0000

Gone fishing

Mon, 19 Jan 2015 00:00:00 +0000

Generation gap

Sun, 18 Jan 2015 00:00:00 +0000

Under the rocks

Sun, 18 Jan 2015 00:00:00 +0000

Pearl sellers

Sat, 17 Jan 2015 00:00:00 +0000

I like the balance of this shot, and the fact that the seller at the top is checking her phone while waiting her turn. Looks good full-size.

Are you the guy from Whiplash?

Fri, 16 Jan 2015 00:00:00 +0000

Morning tea

Fri, 16 Jan 2015 00:00:00 +0000

Street welder

Fri, 16 Jan 2015 00:00:00 +0000

On the river

Thu, 15 Jan 2015 00:00:00 +0000

For too many years, our New Year’s Eve has been spent sitting at home, only venturing out at midnight to stand on the roof of our condo to watch the fireworks. We decided to be different this year, partly because we had guests and partly because we don’t have a condo roof to stand on any more. So we went to Bangkok.

I still wanted fireworks, and had no interest in spending hours in the Skytrain before spending the last moments of 2014 in a thronging mass at Central World, wondering if I was about to be crushed in a stampede; so we went on the river.

The Royal Orchid Sheraton was the hotel of choice and the rooms offered a good view down the river:

Pimped

Thu, 15 Jan 2015 00:00:00 +0000

Have not had a chance to put a film through my new old Leica yet; but that hasn’t stopped me pimping it out a bit.

On the top is a Leica SB001 viewfinder, a fine piece of engineering that offers a much clearer view of the world than the built-in viewfinder, especially for someone who wears glasses. The back of this viewfinder, plus the viewfinder and focus screen on the camera, have been treated with liquid electrical tape, transported across international boundaries in contravention of the Geneva Convention by The Son. This gives my glasses a rubber finish to press against, unlike the metal that was originally threatening to scratch my lenses.

On the front can now be found something that is good for image quality but appalling for sexy good looks, the Leica S00PD barn door lens hood for the Summitar lens. Looks cute, all folded up in the supplied box; looks terrible on the camera but I am advised that the Summitar needs all the help it can get to avoid lens flare.

All it needs now is case and strap and I will be ready to go out and shoot with it. Just hope it bloody works after all this procurement.

The perfect gift

Thu, 15 Jan 2015 00:00:00 +0000

What to buy for the man who has everything he needs? I refer of course to the editor of Pattayadaze, a man who requires little in the way of material possessions and would not be happy with the diamond-studded Rolex I had initially planned to buy him as a New Year’s gift.

Instead, I presented him with something few have experienced, a sheep placenta face mask:

He tried very hard to hide his gratitude, but I could see he was moved by the gesture.

2014 - That was the year that was

Wed, 14 Jan 2015 00:00:00 +0000

Time for the annual review of Pattaya Days performance, and it’s a low score for the team of authors who churn out content. There was a significant reduction in the number of posts over the year, mainly due to the condo selling/house moving saga which occupied many months to the detriment of other activities.

In spite of that, readership was much better than 2013 and nearly up to record numbers of 2012; the year of the “Art in Paradise” post.

Big in Japan

Tue, 13 Jan 2015 00:00:00 +0000

Between Xmas and New Year we made a trip to Japan; only took twenty minutes to get there. Not the real Japan of course, a place called J-Park on the outskirts of Chonburi.

A collection of buildings in an assumed Japanese style, with water features and trees displaying suspiciously constant autumnal foliage; all designed to attract the happy snapper selfie brigade. There are shops and stalls selling mainly Japanese products, with a supermarket displaying all manner of interesting Japanese goodies. Then there are many restaurants, all offering Japanese food.

It’s a pleasant enough place and worth the trip just to pick up some treats from the supermarket. Follow that with a decent lunch and you have a half-day outing. Unfortunately the restaurant we went to served me the worst plate of sushi I have ever eaten (not the one in the photo below); but happy to go back another time to try somewhere else. Go during the week, I expect it is rammed at weekends.

Escape Hunt Pattaya

Sun, 11 Jan 2015 00:00:00 +0000

Unless you live somewhere that is awash with attractions, it can be hard to find places to take visitors, especially if they have visited previously; and instead there is a danger of just sitting at home watching TV and eating vast quantities of Turkish Delight. Fortunately, my future daughter-in-law is an expert researcher and discovered somewhere in Pattaya that we had never heard of, even though we live here,

The Escape Hunt business started in Bangkok, but now has branches across the world; including Pattaya. The Pattaya outlet opened a couple of months ago on Theppraya road in the new complex on the road down to Pattaya Park.

And that makes it six

Sat, 10 Jan 2015 00:00:00 +0000

The staff of Big Camera love me. And why not, I am very loveable. I am greeted with big smiles, greetings and a wai from everyone whenever I go near their store; but the affection may not be totally due to my adorable personality.

Over the years I have directed large amounts of cash in their direction in exchange for assorted photographic goods; expenditure which has spiked over the past year or so with the arrival of the E-M1. I bought one, and I arranged for Nik to acquire one, and Kevin to buy two. Then I purchased one on behalf of The Son to take advantage of a deal they were running; then he arrived and promptly bought another for his friend in the UK. We arranged a little display of the latest silver acquisitions witht my black model:

Be careful what you wish for

Sat, 10 Jan 2015 00:00:00 +0000

Before The Son headed out to Thailand, he asked if I would like anything from the UK. As both genuinej and Kevin had recently supplied me with Twiglets, I was not sure if I needed anything; but then I remembered the Turkish Delight that my grandfather used to procure for Xmas, so I suggested a box might be appropriate.

This is what he brought:

At current rates of consumption, we will be eating Turkish Delight until March. *

Belated new year greetings

Thu, 08 Jan 2015 00:00:00 +0000

Tiny dancer

Thu, 08 Jan 2015 00:00:00 +0000

Pattaya Days Xmas pussy

Thu, 25 Dec 2014 00:00:00 +0000

Suspended service is being briefly unsuspended to bring you our traditional Xmas pussy shot:

Captured by my wife on her phone while I was having a post-lunch poo and therefore unable to use my camera, this festive offering features an extremely pissed off cat. Enjoy!

Comments 🔗

2014-12-25 | Karl Ninaus says

Haha, we really enjoyed this pic, it made our day. This face expression is well worth an Oscar. Greetings from a loooong time regular reader

Going dark

Tue, 23 Dec 2014 00:00:00 +0000

The arrival of Xmas has in the past, meant nothing. I used to work on Xmas day when in Bangkok, she who must be obeyed worked on that day, and we long ago gave up on the idea of presents or any sort of decoration.

But this year it’s different, because The Son and his lady arrive tomorrow for a couple of weeks and so I thought we should make an effort. A toxic tree was purchased which left my hand red and itchy after erecting it; and assorted gaudy baubles and flashing lights (with optional music) have been wrapped around the festering festive mess. It’s delightfully tacky, so unpleasant in fact that the cat refuses to pose in front of it; so no cat Christmas shot this year.

Sails

Tue, 23 Dec 2014 00:00:00 +0000

Tattoo pool

Mon, 22 Dec 2014 00:00:00 +0000

Waiting for food

Sun, 21 Dec 2014 00:00:00 +0000

Buddies

Sat, 20 Dec 2014 00:00:00 +0000

Deflated

Sat, 20 Dec 2014 00:00:00 +0000

Oops I did it again

Fri, 19 Dec 2014 00:00:00 +0000

I have too many cameras. This is especially true when it comes to film cameras. My excuse, should I need to give one, is that they are cheap and generally a joy to hold and behold. Indeed, my little cameral museum features technical loveliness dating back to 1896 and would no doubt delight my friends if I had any.

I do try to use them as well, the Yashica being my weapon of choice until it did something inside which means I only get seven shots out of a roll of film that is meant to produce twelve. I am hoping there is a man in Bangkok that can fix that for me, meantime it sits on the shelf looking gorgeous.

For 35mm film I have a selection of Russian cameras, none of which really satisfy in terms of handling. They probably take adequate photos, but without the required pleasure in the process. Then I was loaned a Leica.

I must admit I have always fancied a Leica. There is a precision, a sense of craftsmanship and engineering, that is very seductive. Indeed, when I sold my condo I announced to she who must be obeyed that I was going to buy a Leica and an accompanying lens for the price of a new car. Instead, I bought a new car, but the yearning for a Leica remained.

The arrival of the ex-German airforce Leica IIIC into my life, albeit on a temporary basis, resurrected the urge. Inevitably, I headed for eBay.

A wartime Leica was not an option. There are many more German military Leica’s for sale than were ever made; it’s too easy for a skilled engraver to add some extras to a Leica body. So, unless you are sure of provenance, and that is no easy thing on eBay, and you are prepared to pay a very high price for the history; don’t go there.

But the Leica III continued to be made after the war into the 1950s, and there are plenty on offer on-line. Price expectations seem to vary widely, as does condition, and I couldn’t find one that was in good condition at a reasonable price. I was about to give up and go to bed when I spotted a IIIC in exceptional condition at a bid starting price under $400, which was less than most of them go for. There were no bids as yet, and bids closed four hours later; so I stuck in a minimum bid and went to bed, sure that I would be outbid before closing.

But I wasn’t, and here it is:

Name the lens

Thu, 18 Dec 2014 00:00:00 +0000

An obligatory cat shot is a sure sign that some new gear is involved.

Day tripper

Wed, 17 Dec 2014 00:00:00 +0000

Just over a year ago, the rear dial on my E-M1 died and my local camera shop, Big Camera, went beyond the call of duty by hand carrying the camera to Bangkok, had it fixed within a day and returned it to me the same evening. Amazing service.

I was slightly concerned that whatever fault was built into the original dial would be built into the replacement, but the E-M1 has worked perfectly since; until last week when it realised that the warranty had expired and it was time for the dial to fail again. Bugger.

It was unreasonable to expect Big Camera to send a member of staff to Bangkok for me again, but I am a good customer so I went and asked nicely if they could speak to Olympus and persuade them to fix my camera in less than the usual five days. A phone call was made and I was promised a quick turn-around.

So it was into the bus yesterday morning (Olympus is five minutes walk from the bus station, seemed pointless to drive) and I handed in my camera at 1030. By 1330 it was done and I was back home before dark. More superb service from Olympus.

The downside was that the fix cost me 3,000 baht, and you could argue that it is design flaw that should be fixed for free. The service centre confirmed that they have now changed the design, which does indicate that something was wrong; but at least this new dial should not fail. They gave me the part they replaced which turned out to be the complete top cover.

The factory

Tue, 16 Dec 2014 00:00:00 +0000

Talay Bua Daeng

Mon, 15 Dec 2014 00:00:00 +0000

Or if you want the English translation: “Red lotus sea”; which is bollocks because it is not a sea and the flowers are more purple than red; but that’s the name so live with it.

Talay bua daeng is about forty kilometres south of Udon Thani, which means it is a sod of a long way from Pattaya; which is why we took two days to get there, stopping at a sunflower field and Prasat Hin Phimai along the way. We arrived just before sunset and the lake was immediately something of a disappointment, not a sign of lilies. Still, we jumped into a boat and set off for a little tour and indeed lilies were to be found once you went deeper into the lake. Being almost sunset, the flowers had packed up being pretty for the day, so I took just one sunset shot before we headed back for some food.

Prasat Hin Phimai

Sun, 14 Dec 2014 00:00:00 +0000

Close to Nakhon Ratchasima is the small town of Phimai. A bit of driving around will bring you to the Phimai Historical Park, in which you can find Prasat Hin Phimai.

Proudly proclaimed as the largest ancient structure in Thailand, the temple is a smaller sibling to Angkor Wat. It was built about nine hundred years ago and was once connected to Angkor Wat by a highway, and the structure points towards Angkor. Although the Khmer kingdom was Hindu at the time, the temple was build in the Buddhist style. And that is my attempt at providing some history; if you want any more, look it up.

My perception of the place is probably coloured by the fact that we visited at 0830 on a cool morning with bright blue skies; but I found it to be very charming. No gaudy signs, well maintained grounds, and an entrance fee of 100 baht for foreigners (free for Thais) which I thought entirely reasonable. Some photos:

Flower people

Sat, 13 Dec 2014 00:00:00 +0000

Our route north takes us through Saraburi, so it is inevitable that we will pass one of the more popular seasonal attractions, a sunflower field.

Sunflowers are indeed beautiful…..

Road trip

Fri, 12 Dec 2014 00:00:00 +0000

More than twenty two hours behind the wheel over three days. 1594 Kilometres covered. The first road trip to test out our new transport and it was a great experience; such an effortless tourer.

Will it make your nipples bigger?

Mon, 08 Dec 2014 00:00:00 +0000

Long-time readers of this blog (Hi Mum!), will recall I waged an extended war with my thyroid having contracted Grave’s disease. I won the final battle with the over-excited little bugger more than two years ago, by swallowing a radioactive iodine pill which killed off a substantial portion of the gland; but of course there were repercussions.

At first, output from the thyroid became even more violent as the dying parts vomited out into my bloodstream. Then the activity died down and we waited to see what would happen. Would what was left of my thyroid operate sufficiently, would it stagger along weakly, or would it die off completely? For more than a year I went to see my doctor in Bangkok and we monitored activity in search of an answer to these questions. There were fluctuations; but the overall message was that the thyroid was almost coping but not quite. In the end, I decided to put myself on a small daily dose of thyroid hormone to help things along. I then forgot about my thyroid for a year or more.

Leica time

Sat, 06 Dec 2014 00:00:00 +0000

You can debate the current relevance of Leica in this age of massively competent digital cameras, but there is no denying the heritage. In 1925, the firm of Ernst Leitz marketed the first Leica camera; which used film based on 35mm film stock and was therefore able to be much smaller than other cameras on the market. The camera was designed by Oskar Barnack and his design was improved over the years and became the camera to use for reportage and street photography. The last camera designed by Barnack (who died in 1936) was the Leica III, and versions of this camera continued to be sold into the 1950s.

During the second world war, Leitz produced cameras specifically for the German armed forces, and a verified Luftwaffe model is extremely collectable, like this Leica IIIC:

The annnual jet ski pilgrimage

Fri, 05 Dec 2014 00:00:00 +0000

I hate rented jet skis, having been nearly killed by muppet riders on a number of windsurfing occasions. I also have little interest in jet ski racing, as everyone seems to be running on a different course and I consequently have no idea who is winning; and even if I did I wouldn’t care.

But every year I make the long trek (ten minutes by car) to Jomtien and spend an hour pointing a camera at the King’s Cup event.

It’s about as much fun to photograph as it is to watch. The damn things spend half their time submerged in spray, the sun is always in an inconvenient place in the sky, and there are limited places on the beach to take shots. Still, I am still in the honeymoon period with the new Olympus 40-150mm lens; so I got my feet sandy this morning.

Wall hanging

Thu, 04 Dec 2014 00:00:00 +0000

You can't make an omelette without breaking eggs

Wed, 03 Dec 2014 00:00:00 +0000

Same applies to taking photos in our house…

This morning, she who must be obeyed decided she would like to rise early and cook some food for the monks at the local temple. This part did not involve me so I continued to slumber; but was soon roused from my sleep to act as driver. We spent half an hour pursuing monks around the neighbourhood until all the food supplies had been handed out; then returned home to discover a snake in the bushes outside the house.

This freaked out my wife on two levels. First was her immense fear of snakes,, not helped by the fact that I insisted on taking a close-up look. But she was also convinced that our house was guarded by a snake spirit, and here was a snake showing itself just after she had given alms to monks! How amazing was that?

We both rushed into the house on separate missions. Me to grab my camera and she to grab incense sticks and an offering for the unwitting guardian. I hurried down the garden path to get a photo and discovered too late that she had placed twelve eggs across the path as an offering; and now there were only eight.

With a slightly soggy right shoe continued my journey and got my shot.

No need for roof tiles

Tue, 02 Dec 2014 00:00:00 +0000

Whilst hunting macro locations, I came across this:

Expert Shield Screen Protector Review

Mon, 01 Dec 2014 00:00:00 +0000

I always feel a little sorry for mobile phone designers who presumably spent late nights designing their phones to be of a size that perfectly fits in the average hand, and have a casing and screen which are designed to withstand a reasonable amount of punishment. All of this means nothing to the average consumer who, immediately on purchase, swaddles the phone in a hideous plastic case adorned with pieces of fluff and cartoon characters; and sticks a piece of plastic on the back to “protect” the screen which is already constructed of industrial strength glass and resistant to all wear unless attacked by a diamond.

We camera users are little better. Many of us, myself included, swaddle our cameras in expensive cases (often more for looks than protection), and the rear screens have some form of flat Durex applied at the time of purchase.

There is some rationale for the latter. If your camera is to spend its working life draped round your neck, then the rear screen is going to come under constant attack from buttons, zips and other assorted metal work in the area of your ample belly. A replaceable protector is a probably a good idea. So much so that the camera shop will probably fit a new one for you free of charge when you buy your camera. The good news is that the protector is free and the sales assistant is able to fit these things without having a nervous breakdown, the bad news is that it is invariably shit; unless you like viewing your creations through a semi-opaque rainbow-tinted fog.

So, after a while, you buy a better one via the web and it arrives in your mail and you ignore it for at least a week. The reason being that these things are almost impossible to affix with any degree of success. The man in the shop can do it while talking to his friend on the phone and watching a Thai soap on the in-store TV; but you, you with your university education and your honed reflexes and your innate sense of superiority; you are bloody useless (at least I am, maybe because I never actually went to university).

There are three main problem areas: alignment, bubbles and fluff (good name for a band). You have to start at one end of the screen, and it is impossible to tell at the start whether the thing is straight; but you can be sure it isn’t. So you have to keep lifting it and re-positioning it until finally it is aligned. It is only then you discover that it is peppered with air bubbles which, vicious bastards that they are, refuse to move when squeezed; so you have to lift the damn thing again and try and get rid of them. Finally, finally, you have a properly aligned, bubble-free fitting; but by this time you have lifted and moved the protector so many times that there are pieces of fluff stuck between it and the screen; even though you have tried to this in a dust-free room, with your wife and the cat having only having breezed in twice to see what you were up to.

It’s at this point that your rip the stupid thing off your screen, throw it away, and pop down to the camera shop to have the smug bastard behind the counter fit another crappy one for you.

Which was pretty much my situation until I received an email from Expert Shield. They had seen Pattaya Days, knew I had an E-M1, had heard rumours of my enormous genitals; and as a result they wanted to send me one of their screen protectors for review. (Leica, Olympus etc.; if you are reading this, please do likewise).

I had heard of their product because reader Kevin had banged on about their customer service some months ago:

Can’t praise their service enough. When I first bought mine, the guy I spoke to asked me if I wanted the anti glare or clear. I told him the clear and he said tell you what, I’ll send you a free anti glare one to try as well. It was fine also but I preferred the clear out of the two. Today when I spoke to him I mentioned that I had two small bubbles under the shield but it was caused by me trapping two minute dust particles underneath. Wasn’t sure if lifting it would harm the shield so lived with it.

Asked him if I could lift it up and remove dust without harming the shield. He told me how to do it by lifting a corner with wide tape and using wide tape again lift any dust of the inside of the shield. He went onto say, that he was also sending me a free replacement for the one with the dust issue as they were lifetime guarantee. I again said it really wasn’t a complaint with the shield but although he agreed with me he still insisted I accept his kind offer which I have done.

That sounded positive, so I checked out their website to find that as well as selling stick-on gubbins, they have a sense of humour. My sort of company. Plus they claimed that their product was easy to fit which was exactly what Mr. Can’t-Put-Things-On-Straight-In-A-Cloud-Of-Dust needs.

So I had the Pattaya Days Media Relations Department reply in the affirmative (I sent them a mail saying “yes”), and in no time I received a rather smart box wherein lay two protectors and cloth for wiping away my tears after I fucked things up. Apparently only top reviewers like wot I am receive the fancy boxes, although mere minions like you may get one at Xmas time (allegedly).

Never fear mere minion; the small packet contains everything your need, the protector and a little cleaning cloth:

To learn how to apply it, you turn to the back of the packet where help can be found. This may be the only time where the words “Marmite” and “muffin” appear together in a set of technical instructions…

Right, time to get this thing attached to my E-M1. I go overboard on the “slightly steamy bathroom” idea by running a hot shower for far too long in a room that is already hot and humid. The result is “sauna” and I feel it is appropriate to therefore strip to my underpants before proceeding. You would do well not to visualise this.

Plunging almost naked into a world of steam, I clean off the camera screen with the little cloth and check that no stubborn dust remains whilst simultaneously ensuring I do not drip sweat onto the target surface. Next comes the clever bit.

I partially peel off the first protective mask and then attempt to align the protector on the screen. This is not easy and several attempts are required before alignment is achieved and I can lay the protector across the screen. It’s properly aligned; but there are the inevitable air bubbles between the protector and the screen. Previously, this has required me to partially or completely pull back the protector to try and remove them; at which point armies of dust particles would descend and stick to the screen, and/or the protector would come off completely and I would have to start all over again. But with the Expert Shield, all I had to do was press with my finger and push the bubbles out of the side. Almost time for a muffin!

The final step is to peel off the second mask on the outside of the protector:

AIrborne horses

Sun, 30 Nov 2014 00:00:00 +0000

Eager to try out me new 40-150mm lens, I arise at the break of dawn (0700) and make my way to the Thai Polo Club where there are rumours of a horse jumping competition. Took a while to find it, and after an hour I had had enough due to the rapidly rising temperatures (it is like April here at the moment); but got enough shots to convince me this is one pretty special lens.

No buffalo

Sat, 29 Nov 2014 00:00:00 +0000

I signed off my last post with a mention of buffalo racing the following day. The racing no doubt went ahead; but I spent the day in bed courtesy of a massive head cold and have had a very pleasant week since, snorting into tissues and coughing assorted shit out of my lungs. Joy.

Still, there have been some high spots. First was a meeting with genuinej. Always good to catch up with him; and he was kind enough to bring a big bag of Twiglets with him as a gift. Future visitors please note. Unfortunately, she who must be obeyed has decided she likes them too, so they are disappearing more rapidly than I would like.

Next up was a sniffle-ridden trip to Bangkok via bus to collect my car which had required a windscreen replacement courtesy of a git in a truck who had decided to drive right next to the barrier on the elevated expressway and thus unleash a blizzard of stones, one of which hit my screen and initiated a massive crack. As we were on our way to the BMW dealer for a 3,000 kilometre check at the time, we had the check and then filled out the necessary form for the insurance to replace the screen. Then it was a two week wait for a new screen from Germany, and a four day install due to the complexity of the various sensors attached to the screen. Expect that was my insurance premium more than paid for, not that I paid for it in the first place as it came with the car. Anyway, good to have the car back to 100% and I looked forward to a spirited drive home which didn’t happen because my wife was with me…

Then there was more sniffing and coughing for the remainder of the week.

Things improved, a lot, this morning with the arrival of a parcel. No, not a new consignment of Twiglets; this:

Pattaya boat show

Sat, 29 Nov 2014 00:00:00 +0000

There is much to do and see this weekend in Pattaya.

You can battle the crowds and watch the firework festival. You can choke on fumes and enjoy the drift racing championship. You can go and watch assorted horse related events at the Thai Polo Club. Or you can go and buy a boat.

The boat show is being held, fittingly, at the Marina south of Jomtien and we popped in their briefly this morning before returning home to wait for my lens to arrive.

There were boats on the water, boats on the land, and assorted outlets selling the sort of things that people who can afford boats like to buy.

Bastards to shoot

Sat, 22 Nov 2014 00:00:00 +0000

It’s the time of year when Pattaya hosts a wide range of events, and things kick off this weekend with longboat and buffalo racing. The buffaloes are not doing their thing until tomorrow; but we went along to the long long boats this afternoon and once again I found them very difficult to photograph.

Capturing the whole boat is pointless; the thing is so damn long that you don’t provide any detail:

Not focused on the spiritual

Sat, 22 Nov 2014 00:00:00 +0000

The great snail cull of 2014

Sat, 22 Nov 2014 00:00:00 +0000

Today will go down in history. It will be featured in future school text books for snails that live in our garden. For today is the day that the snail population of chez Spike was decimated in a brutal act of ethnic cleansing that makes the “2012 great ant slaughter in a saucer in our condo” look like a petty scuffle. Naturally, it is all down to she who must be obeyed.

Frog. Not French

Fri, 21 Nov 2014 00:00:00 +0000

The Godfather

Mon, 17 Nov 2014 00:00:00 +0000

Butterflies

Thu, 13 Nov 2014 00:00:00 +0000

Strands

Mon, 10 Nov 2014 00:00:00 +0000

Silk Road

Sun, 09 Nov 2014 00:00:00 +0000

Baan Kok Sai is a small village not far from Roi Et; and there is not much to see. A village shop, a few narrow sois; and a very smart house owned by Khun Peter and Khun Toon who hosted us for our stay. The village is surrounded by rice fields…

Coitus interruptus

Sat, 08 Nov 2014 00:00:00 +0000

Over lunch we watched an episode of the wonderful new BBC wildlife series “Life Story”. This week there was some stunning footage of an Artic Fox diving into snow in pursuit of Lemmings. At the end of the programme we learned it took a team three years to capture this small segment of video. That’s dedication.

Suitably motivated, I set out on my own great expedition this afternoon is search of wildlife; a walk around the garden. After nearly three years (actually, five minutes) I was about to give up when I stumbled upon two butterflies having a shag.

Naturally I remained at a respectful distance (as close as I could get) and then gave them the full paparazzi treatment. Not surprisingly, they soon flew away, with one of the them doing the flying and the other hanging underneath, presumably attached by what is scientifically known as “the naughty bits”. But not before I got a shot.

It's a huller

Fri, 07 Nov 2014 00:00:00 +0000

At least I think that is what it is called. During our trip to the north, we were led into a dusty shed where a fantastic contraption was removing the husks from rice. Reminiscent of the Lancashire textile factories I visited in my youth in terms of noise and obscure machinery; it demanded to be photographed.

The lesser known 'recently walked into a door' insect

Fri, 07 Nov 2014 00:00:00 +0000

Two hundred baht for the whip round

Wed, 05 Nov 2014 00:00:00 +0000

In spite of limited success with the “bring me a snake and I will give you two hundred baht” plan when travelling with Kevin; I decided to implement it in our village by offering the gardener the same bribe. He normally kills snakes on sight, so getting two hundred baht for not killing a snake must have seemed like easy money for him.

He duly knocked on the door today and presented me with a beautiful whip snake in a water bottle. Money changed hands and I examined the snake in the bottle; how to photograph it?

I rang Ian of Pattaydaze who has much experience with snakes and he suggested that it would bugger off at great speed once I let it out of the bottle; which was fine as a warning but not much use as advice. With his only suggestion to “read it some Scottish poetry to calm it” ringing in my ears; I decided to transfer the snake to a large glass jug and photograph it in there. Not ideal but I had no other ideas. But the snake had other ideas and it ejected itself at great speed through a tiny gap as soon as it was in the jug and headed off to a nearby bush. Two hundred baht for bugger all.

But then it appeared at the top of the bush, stuck up its head as if to say “stand on a stool and photograph me, you idiot”. So I did, and for the next half hour or so it just sat there and watched me, gliding slightly backwards if I got too close, and never once indicating it wanted revenge for the bottle incarceration incident.

A real privilege to spend time with such a fabulous creature; here are a few shots:

Back track

Mon, 03 Nov 2014 00:00:00 +0000

It’s been a while since I shot a racing bike event at the Bira track; partly because the promoter stopped running events, and partly because I sold all my expensive Canon sports-shooting gear. But there was a special event today and he asked me to go along; so I did.

A little concerned that the E-M1 would struggle with maintaining auto-focus on fast moving bikes, a traditional weak spot for mirrorless cameras; but it did pretty well. Success rate was certainly lower, but when it, or me, got it right, it produced some lovely images; e.g.:

Nightmare on Walking Street

Sat, 01 Nov 2014 00:00:00 +0000

From a distance

Fri, 31 Oct 2014 00:00:00 +0000

A tree outside my garden is host to many flying visitors in the later afternoon. Unfortunately, my presence means that they only land on the higher reaches of the tree; outside the range of my usual lenses.

So I dragged out my little-used Panasonic 100-300mm and pointed it towards the treetops. The results were mainly crap but this was acceptable at 228mm (456mm effective):

Catching the morning sun

Wed, 29 Oct 2014 00:00:00 +0000

The wasp factory

Tue, 28 Oct 2014 00:00:00 +0000

She who must be obeyed shouted at me a lot today. First she shouted that there was a butterfly waiting to be photographed in the garden. Then it was a dragonfly. Then it was a gang of paper wasps building a nest. At the time I was trying to paint a wall; but the brush was dropped in pursuit of targets and a few paint runs were the result. Never mind, it was worth it, particularly the wasps.

Their construction was taking place on a leaf outside the house.

Fiddling with filters

Mon, 27 Oct 2014 00:00:00 +0000

Most cameras now include all manner of special effect filters which “real” photographers, like wot I pretend to be, would not touch with a ten foot barge pole with added extensions and padded gloves. But, as an experiment, I turned on the new “partial colour” filter on the E-M1 which arrived courtesy of a recent firmware upgrade. I have no idea how it works, but it selects some colour and leaves the rest of the image as black and white.

As I was shooting on Walking Street, the predominant colour was seedy yellow orange; so my images came out with similar colours highlighted. I also shot a RAW file so I could throw away the stupid special effects nonsense; but some of them actually looked more interesting than the “real” images:

A light Russian

Sun, 26 Oct 2014 00:00:00 +0000

Things may be returning to normal in the Spike household; an indicator being my resumption of forays into eBay in search of stuff I don’t need, and don’t even want unless the foray is accompanied by alcohol.

A recent film outing with friend Tic (me, with my Yashica, Tic with his rather delectable Leica), reminded me what a different and fun experience shooting film can be.

A welcome visitor

Sat, 25 Oct 2014 00:00:00 +0000

Our new home is pleasantly shielded from the outside world, such that I could prance around wearing nothing much at all if it were not for the fact it would put my wife off her breakfast; and it is not really acceptable behaviour for an English gentleman of advancing years.

But our seclusion was disturbed the other evening when I found a little face staring through the window at my luckily fully attired physique.

Fierce fish

Sat, 25 Oct 2014 00:00:00 +0000

She who must be obeyed decided we needed a shower in the garden, so that users of the pool could rinse themselves both before and after immersion. Seemed a little pointless to me, as I like to throw myself in for a cool down when I am hot, dirty and sweaty (that is what chlorine is for); and then head to the bathroom for an after-pool shower. But she had a design idea and I know better than to stand between my wife and a design idea.

The idea stemmed from a substantial surfeit of ceramic tiles we had left over from our bathroom projects, and the plan was to break them into little pieces and fashion the design of a cool surfboard on the wall of the garden. A few tiles were sacrificed to the hammer to test this idea before it was abandoned as being beyond our creative skills.

The next idea was to obtain a surfboard and have someone paint a design upon it. A trawl around the windsurfing club unearthed this:

It was a beaten-up board that had spent its working life on the extreme breaks of Indonesia and was now looking rather sad and neglected. Craig contacted the owner, Frank, who very kindly donated it to the cause.

The next step was to find someone to paint it, and who better than East Coast Choppers who do amazing graphic work on Harleys (remember the Snow Leopard?). We gave them an idea of the design, our contractor built a wall to stick it on; and today the surfboard shower was installed:

The rumour that frogs were enthusiastic lovers was not confirmed

Thu, 23 Oct 2014 00:00:00 +0000

You're a better shag than that frog I had yesterday

Thu, 23 Oct 2014 00:00:00 +0000

Wat Prachakhom

Wed, 22 Oct 2014 00:00:00 +0000

What a wat. Very different from the normal Thai temple; and tucked away in a complex of lakes and shrines such that it would be easy to miss it. When you find it, it frustrates you if you wish to photograph it because it is surrounded by trees and impossible to capture as a whole. Unless…

Anyway, we started inside the building where there were assorted noble monks adorning the walls:

The cold dead eyes of a killer

Tue, 21 Oct 2014 00:00:00 +0000

Cartoon Network Amazone Water Park

Mon, 20 Oct 2014 00:00:00 +0000

It was with much joy that we found ourselves with six members of the extended family staying for the weekend. How to amuse the younger and more boisterous members?

The expensive answer was the recently opened and partially operating water park on the road south of Pattaya. The soft opening prices are wallet drainingly expensive, 1290 baht for an adult, and 890 baht for kids. If you are not Thai or cannot prove residence, you can add 300 baht to those prices. Food and drink are also very costly and a typical family is going to spend an average Thai’s monthly wage for a day at the park. So it was quite surprising to see how busy it was.

Snake search

Sun, 19 Oct 2014 00:00:00 +0000

The trip to the north was in the company of Kevin; who has made the journey several times before with a bag full of lenses and a heart full of hope. On previous visits he has been denied the opportunity to see snakes and was hoping that this time he would be more lucky.

The portents were good. The locals said they had seen loads of snakes everywhere; but then, once we visited a location, they announced they had never ever seen the slightest hint of a snake in that vicinity. Obviously bribes were in order, and Kevin let it be known that he would pay 100 baht for a snake sighting.

Nothing.

So on the final evening, he doubled the bounty to 200 baht and, sure enough, a villager came struggling down the path with a large container the following morning. Must be a massive snake.

But although the container was large, the snake was tiny:

Ageless beauty

Sat, 18 Oct 2014 00:00:00 +0000

Back from the North

Fri, 17 Oct 2014 00:00:00 +0000

For the past five days I have been fiddling around in the forests and fields of Maha Sarakarm. Some photos ensued which I will work through once I have recovered from six hours of negotiating dickheads on the way home.

Here’s one to start things off, a cyberpunk beastie:

Orange

Sat, 11 Oct 2014 00:00:00 +0000

Work permit?

Sat, 11 Oct 2014 00:00:00 +0000

Little Wing

Thu, 09 Oct 2014 00:00:00 +0000

Coconut contemplations

Wed, 08 Oct 2014 00:00:00 +0000

The pussy emporium

Tue, 07 Oct 2014 00:00:00 +0000

We drove past a new outlet today which was devoted to the retail of all things dog related. For some reason, this awoke my wife’s entrepreneurial spirit.

“When I am rich, I am going to open a place just for cats!”

Notice the “when” rather than “if”; she who must be obeyed is convinced that her various business schemes will one day bear fruit. I am remain cautiously pessimistic; but if it does happen, I have reserved the first twenty million for a Ferrari. I have learned that best response when these scenarios are raised is to just say “that’s a good idea darling”, and then see what happens next.

Grooming

Mon, 06 Oct 2014 00:00:00 +0000

Pavement dining

Sun, 05 Oct 2014 00:00:00 +0000

Stay calm, and sell a dress

Sat, 04 Oct 2014 00:00:00 +0000

Twat

Sat, 04 Oct 2014 00:00:00 +0000

My wife has a cousin whose life has been turned upside down.

She was married, with a loving husband and two children. Her husband had a job with the government which involved going out into rural areas and providing help and education. She was a successful saleperson for medical products. A typical, comfortable Thai family.

Then her husband contracted cancer. For more than two years she had to juggle the demands of a dying husband with caring for two children and holding down a job to support them all.

Mini museum

Thu, 02 Oct 2014 00:00:00 +0000

Our new, smaller, home has created some issues in terms of storage and display. My pathetic hoard of motor racing trophies, once proudly on show in a glass cabinet, are now stuffed in a cupboard and are likely to remain so until I either throw them out or dump them on an unwilling son as a reminder of his feeble heritage.

More fortunate have been some of my old film cameras. Previously dragged out from hiding to bore unsuspecting visitors; I have always thought they might make for a wall display. Never happened in the condo, but the management allocated me a small piece of wall in the new place, and I managed to find some suitable shelving; eh voilà:

Damp afternoon

Tue, 30 Sep 2014 00:00:00 +0000

Been raining most of the day, but a dry spell this afternoon was an opportunity to walk around the garden, enjoy the smell of damp earth and grass (quite a treat after 16 years of condo living), and take a few snaps:

Monks on tour

Fri, 26 Sep 2014 00:00:00 +0000

I knew it was coming, just not sure when; “it” being the blessing of our new house by monks.

It had been mentioned in passing, along with a proposal that assorted men of the orange cloth should descend upon my shiny new car and splodge gold leaf and lettering all over the inside. “That is not happening” I replied with a firmness that normally do not have the courage to muster. “How about they put the markings on the bonnet, it will wash off?”, suggested my wife. There should have been a “probably” somewhere in that sentence and the request was also denied. However I knew I could not keep a monk house visitation at bay for ever.

Fifty three screwdrivers

Wed, 24 Sep 2014 00:00:00 +0000

Ask me what type of emporium I most enjoy wandering around (but why would you?), and you would probably expect me to say “camera shop”. And you would be wrong. Camera shops are for descending upon when your latest gear lust has reached fever pitch and you walk in, buy the unnecessary gadget, and walk out again. Some enjoyment can be had in mocking the potential choices of others; “Canon 7D2? Five years of development and this is all they can come up with? Are you retarded”? But this can get you assaulted so best just to give a mocking glance and then leave.

No, for a really pleasurable browsing experience, give me a hardware shop (used to be a lingerie store, but lust changes with age). Hardware shops are stuffed full of merchandise, most of which I do not understand, but all of which I covet. Only yesterday I found myself among cement mixers (which I definitely do not have a need for) and discovered “a thing” which was not a cement mixer but looked more like a mobile pizza oven with extra slats. It’s purpose will always remain unclear, but I felt a deep yearning to own it. Fortunately, she who must be obeyed was with me and so one of her “why on earth did I marry you” looks was enough to scotch the idea when I raised it.

It is hard to engineer a trip to a hardware shop without having an excuse to go there, but fortunately I am always in need of something. Popular items include screws, rawlplugs, tape and assorted small tools. Very rarely do I need something I have not previously purchased, even rarer am I purchasing something that I bought before and consumed. I just loose stuff.

Need a screw of a certain size? I am sure I used to have some but I can’t find them so off to buy some more. While I am in the shop, let’s buy another screwdriver because I keep losing the one I have; and so on. The reason for this constant accumulation of hardware is because my storage system for these items is not a system but two boxes into which everything is thrown. Having two boxes instead of one was a stroke of genius idiocy; because raking through one box cannot ensure you will find your missing tool; it might be in the second box (or on a shelf, or on the floor, or in a sock drawer where I left it for safe keeping after some botched household project). After failing to find what I am looking for; I abandon whatever it was I was planning to do and wait for my next store visit to buy another one; by which time I will have lost interest in the project. Not much home improvement gets done in our house.

The move to our new home prompted a change. We have less storage space than in our previous abode and my sparkly new store room was soon full to the ceiling; and finding that elusive tool was as difficult as ever. Time for a fresh approach.

With a stroke of lateral thinking that I consider worthy of the Nobel prize for tools storage; I picked up some stackable plastic bins from Home Pro and migrated the mess from my black hole boxes such that each bin contained only type of tool! How revolutionary is that?! There is now a box full of spanners, a box full of Allen keys, a box full of pliers etc. So when I need a spanner, I pick up the spanner box and choose one (then find it is not available and go and buy another).

This is an excellent system; but it does reveal the true horror of some of my past practices. I haven’t dared count the Allen keys; but there must be more than a hundred. I have counted the screwdriver and there are 53….

The Pattaya Snail Murderer

Sun, 21 Sep 2014 00:00:00 +0000

Being Buddhist, she who must be obeyed is loath to kill things (although she has no qualms about consuming vast quantities of meat that others have killed on her behalf). She was therefore very sad when she removed a snail from a window yesterday and, instead of throwing it on the grass as intended, it bounced off the ledge of the pool and into the water. She was quick to rescue it, but the impact and water ingestion did it no good and it was lying dead on the grass this morning.

Naturally I was sympathetic; suggesting it might have survived if she had given it mouth to mouth resuscitation. I also lightened the mood by calling her “the Pattaya snail murderer”; albeit in an affectionate tone.

As for myself, I was able to boost my karma points considerably this morning when I did my daily clean-out of the swimming pool catch-basket which contained the usual collection of leaves, plus a wee beastie which was struggling in the water. I lifted it out and put it on a branch to dry, and it obliged me by sitting there long enough for a photo before buggering off; giving me a wave of thanks as it did so (possibly).

Feeling very righteous, much more so than the snail exterminator sat next to me.

Kitchen creation

Sat, 20 Sep 2014 00:00:00 +0000

Having purchased our new house, we drew up a list of the things we wanted to change. At the top of the list was the kitchen, and this photo of the original may explain why:

This tastes like a teenage girl

Sat, 20 Sep 2014 00:00:00 +0000

Had one of my regular weird conversations with my wife this morning. She was eating a banana and proclaimed:

“This tastes like a teenage girl”.

“What do you mean?”

(Exasperated by my stupidity) “this tastes like a teenage girl!”

“In what way?”

“Too young and immature. Should taste like a woman of twenty who has learned how to be leelah”.

Leelah is wife-speak for someone (or a cat) that faffs around wasting time rather than getting things done. I am leelah frequently.

Spray day

Wed, 17 Sep 2014 00:00:00 +0000

The acquisition of a house with a garden has prompted the purchase of a number of vital home-owning related accessories. There are the usual basics: a spade, a hoe and a trowel, plus a massive pruning device which is probably intended for castrating elephants but works equally well on substantial branches. I was not allowed a wheelbarrow because we don’t need one (fortunately the “need” argument is not applied to camera gear), and a ride-on lawn mower would have been over the top for our small patch of grass (and anyway there is man who comes and cuts it twice a week). But I did manage to pop this into the shopping trolley:

Worth the wait

Mon, 15 Sep 2014 00:00:00 +0000

More than a year ago, Olympus announced a 40-150mm F2.8 lens. I immediately lusted after it. My favourite sports lens was the amazing Canon 300mm F2.8; and here was something for Micro Four Thirds with the same effective focal length with greatly reduced bulk and hopefully greatly reduced price. There was even a video showing a pre-production version:

I watched the video several times and waited for the lens to arrive in the shops.

Can you dig it?

Sun, 14 Sep 2014 00:00:00 +0000

Our Sundays have a new agenda; and it is giving me blisters.

First stop is the plant market on Sukhumvit Road next to the abysmal Mini Siam. I have lived here more than ten years and was never aware there was such a thing as a plant market on the weekends; but now it is part of our life. As she who must be obeyed is involved, the shopping has a predictable flow to it. We agree what parts of the garden at to receive our horticultural attention and what sort of plants we are looking for. Then we walk round the whole damn market; buying things that have no relation to our original purpose. Only once we are loaded down with irrelevancies does she declare that we have not addressed our shopping needs, but it is getting hot, so we will “come back next week”. Which we do, and repeat the tragic cycle.

We were given a couple of golden bamboo plants as a present a week or so ago. I declared an interest in acquiring some more; but was over-ruled by management on the grounds that the bamboo would spread itself everywhere anyway. Needless to say we then went and bought some more bamboo today.

“I thought you said we shouldn’t buy any more.” “Why not, it’s pretty.”

So we came home and now we have the makings of a bamboo grove in a year or so:

An afternoon visit

Sat, 13 Sep 2014 00:00:00 +0000

A morning visit

Fri, 12 Sep 2014 00:00:00 +0000

Have not taken my camera out much in the past few months, moving house is very disruptive. But I do drag it out on occasions to snap the many and varied visitors to our garden. This fine specimen was lurking over our entrance gate this morning;

Night watch

Fri, 12 Sep 2014 00:00:00 +0000

For the first time in a long time, I stayed up beyond midnight this week to watch the latest product launch from Apple. The item of interest was not the new iPhone; I have the 5s and plan on skipping a few generations before buying a new version (unless something really special comes along, in which case the 5s will be “stolen” if I can get a good price for it).

No pockets in a shroud

Thu, 11 Sep 2014 00:00:00 +0000

The sale of our previous abode, and a move into more modest accommodation, freed up some cash.

Being a fiscally cautious man, with a history in a profession that could loosely be called accounting, I was obviously keen to invest any surplus funds such that I would maximise returns whilst minimising risk; in order that the cash would appreciate and be available at a later date for… well I wasn’t really sure what for; but obviously it was sensible to invest it for the future (although I did plan to release some of it for a guilty pleasure which would probably be something with the word “Leica” embossed upon it).

The other option that hovered around the periphery of my tortured brain was the acquisition of a interesting car; with my definition of “interesting” being something fun to drive; with reasonable performance, road holding and handling, and with running costs that would not eliminate what would be a severely reduced bank balance.

The problem with this option was that all the cars that held any level of interest to me were either fully or partially imported and, thanks to Thailand’s duties and taxes, came in at a price at least double to what they would cost in Europe and with engines restricted in both cubic capacity and horsepower to avoid escalation of duty rates to levels that result in prices that move beyond obscene into the incomprehensible.

But it was an option that made zero economic sense, completely unjustifiable whichever way you looked at it. I decided to kill off the idea by talking to she who must be obeyed who would undoubtedly ridicule the idea of wasting a huge amount of cash on something so frivolous. Her response was unexpected.

“You are getting old. How many years do you think you have left where you could enjoy a performance car? You should get the car you want now and enjoy it, there are no pockets in a shroud.” As always, I had to agree with her.

So I got this and it is all her fault:

Phase free

Thu, 11 Sep 2014 00:00:00 +0000

She who must be obeyed managed our house renovation by splitting the work into a number of phases. By the time we moved in we were up to phase 4, and already she had prepared a job list for future phases.

The main outstanding on the day we moved in was the store room, desperately required to house the mountains of crap that I refused to discard (compared to the even bigger mountains of crap that my wife refused to discard which emphatically had to be stored in the house). This took another week of construction and it was not until late on a Friday afternoon that I finally had access; and by nightfall I already had racks of shelves installed. By Saturday evening I had completed the transfer of junk from the back of the house to the store; and at some point in the future, probably February, I will attempt to sort out the pile of what currently looks like a feeble jumble sale.

Skin

Mon, 08 Sep 2014 00:00:00 +0000

Boy racers

Sun, 31 Aug 2014 00:00:00 +0000

Livid at Livv

Sun, 31 Aug 2014 00:00:00 +0000

For no particular reason, I take she who must be obeyed out for breakfast on a Sunday morning. We have our usual haunts, but yesterday morning we decided to try somewhere different. The outlet had popped up on Facebook, looked promising; and so off we went to Livv Bakery in Soi Kao Talo.

Initital impressions were favourable. The staff was welcoming, the decor was charming and there was reasonable music playing; bring on the breakfast!

Wham, Bam, it's a scam!

Tue, 26 Aug 2014 00:00:00 +0000

In a previous life I played music almost constantly, and in support of this I had a rather fine hi-fi system built around Mission speakers and Audiolab amps. Over the years the need moved more towards video, and the amplifier became a Yamaha processor, and the number of speakers more than doubled to provide a surround sound experience. My last condo even had cables routed under the floor to feed the rear speakers and to minimise marital strife.

Initial bugs

Sun, 24 Aug 2014 00:00:00 +0000

One of the obvious advantages of now having a garden is that there should be candidates for my macro lens within easy walking distance of the front door.

A quick walk around the property this afternoon revealed this:

Migration complete

Sat, 23 Aug 2014 00:00:00 +0000

The plan was simple enough. Move the remains of our possessions to the new home on Friday. On Saturday, arrange for various rejected items to be loaded onto a truck to be sent to the relatives. On Sunday, arrange for the condo to be cleaned. One day next week, go to the land office and transfer the condo. A lot to do, but manageable. Then the new owners called on Thursday and asked “can we do the transfer tomorrow?”

Two days

Wed, 20 Aug 2014 00:00:00 +0000

The current abode now contains a TV, two computers, a mattress, two pieces of furniture, a few clothes, and a cat. The future abode looks like a container storage park, if the containers were actually MamyPoko nappy boxes stuffed with irrelevant household shit.

On Friday a small truck will transport everything apart from the cat to the new abode; we will transport the cat; then we will finally be living in our new place.

World photography day

Tue, 19 Aug 2014 00:00:00 +0000

As I am sure none of you are aware, today is apparently world photography day; the 175th anniversary of the first practical photography process. As this was invented by the French, I should on principle ignore it; but it is so long since I used my camera I thought I should make an effort.

The bad news was that I had agreed to take a day off from house moving and take she who must be obeyed to Ikea for a vital house accessories purchase trip. The good news was that Ikea is close to Bitec which is currently hosting a motor show of sorts.

It was a strange affair, with more Lamborghinis under one roof than you would ever expect to see. especially in Thailand.

Six days

Sat, 16 Aug 2014 00:00:00 +0000

The last few days has been spent moving stuff that was deemed too delicate for our amateur moving boys. A wise decision, because we only broke a few things in transit. Current condo is looking pretty empty now, much to the consternation of the cat who has lost all her usual dossing places and is left with a few pieces of cardboard and a mattress to choose from.

She who must obeyed has consulted the on-line oracle at length and announced that next Friday will be an auspicious day for us to finally move; so we now have six days to prepare for that. Having set the date, she has since been researching further and making extensive notes, so I expect much of the moving day will be taken over by assorted rituals. I am prepared to accommodate this provided the final ritual involves sitting in the pool and drinking something expensive and fizzy, I believe we will have earned it.

Four boys are not enough

Tue, 12 Aug 2014 00:00:00 +0000

In my previous life I always moved house with professional movers. An army of packers would arrive and swaddle every object in layers of protective covering before gently laying same in stout boxes. If I was moving to another part of the world, the many boxes would be placed in a container which would arrive in my new country several weeks later; and a different army would undo all the swaddling.

Painters

Mon, 11 Aug 2014 00:00:00 +0000

Happy contractor

Sun, 10 Aug 2014 00:00:00 +0000

Yesterday marked the completion of the interior work on our new home. Actually, there are still a couple of jobs outstanding which will be completed on Monday, but these are trivial compared to the large number of additional tasks that our contractor has undertaken at no additional cost (the result of new ideas popping into the fertile mind of my wife); so it seemed only fair to deem work complete, pay the contractor what he is owed, and mark the occasion in some fashion.

Stage 2 complete. Almost.

Wed, 06 Aug 2014 00:00:00 +0000

Stage 1 of our home migration project, the identification and purchase of a new abode, occupied most of June. Stage 2, which has made July into one of the more exhausting months I have experienced, has been the refurbishment of our new dwelling. This is almost complete and we are heading into the final stage which requires us to move all our shit into the new house before the end of August in order that the sale of the current Spike Mansions can be completed as per contract.

Wind shadow

Sun, 20 Jul 2014 00:00:00 +0000

Lens example

Sat, 19 Jul 2014 00:00:00 +0000

Dragged this from my collection to illustrate on a forum what the Olympus 45mm F1.8 can do. Seemed a shame not to share it as an antidote to all the house moving nonsense.

Wank bank

Sat, 19 Jul 2014 00:00:00 +0000

I have spent many a happy hour with my neighbour Nik discussing the inevitable downfall of the world banking system. Doom and gloom videos are exchanged; all of which point to the same conclusion: we are economically fucked.

Nik decided that he could defer his inevitable financial shafting by moving his banking to somewhere that is perhaps less likely to collapse financially than the UK: Singapore.

He reported that it was not the easiest process; but as I had already decided that I had had enough of HSBC Jersey; I decided to follow suit.

A face only a mother could love

Fri, 18 Jul 2014 00:00:00 +0000

Bring in the new

Fri, 18 Jul 2014 00:00:00 +0000

Hard to believe it is less than three weeks since we took ownership of our new abode. With basic tiling substantially complete last week, and our contractor moving off to another job for a few days; our energies have been directed towards buying all the bits and pieces that we need for the new bathrooms and kitchen.

Here is something I learned: You can pick one of many companies that display kitchen and bathroom equipment, and none of them have anything in stock. Fancy washbasins? Have to order. Shower units and bathroom bits? Have to order. Faucets? Have to order. Any bloody thing on display? Have to order. The only exception was a toilet; so now I have a new shitter sitting in my car port, waiting for the bathroom to be tiled with tiles that are…on order.

The calm after the storm before the storm

Sun, 13 Jul 2014 00:00:00 +0000

Busy week.

After a couple of days of minimal manpower, the house was swamped with contractors by Friday and we now have a number of jobs enticingly close to being complete. The living area and main bedroom have been re-tiled and assorted plumbing, electrical and construction jobs have been almost completed. But nothing can be signed off, partially because they are awaiting the installation of new windows and a kitchen; and also because the contractor ran out of time.

Eight year test

Tue, 08 Jul 2014 00:00:00 +0000

After the potential high drama of the long-distance furniture transport; I am slightly disappointed to report that it went off without a hitch.

The rickety truck arrived on Saturday afternoon and was fully loaded with goodies. Most surprisingly, it arrived on schedule in Ubon some fourteen hours later, where members of the extended family no doubt had fist-fights as to who should have what. Don’t care, as long as our new house was clear of surplus sofas and the like.

Post office cancellation

Sat, 05 Jul 2014 00:00:00 +0000

In my last post I was extolling the virtues of Home Mart; where the extremely enthusiastic sales lady arranged to supply us tiles by the following day. I lavished praise a little too quickly.

Come the following day, she called my wife to explain she had read out the wrong code to the factory, and in fact the tile we had chosen was not actually available. But, never mind, she was on her way to show us another tie which was just as suitable, if not more so. Of course it wasn’t, and we had to head back to her store to get a refund of the deposit. Lesson learned, not shopping there again.

The perfect storm beckons

Thu, 03 Jul 2014 00:00:00 +0000

Day whatever of our house remediation project and we await news from our contractor as to when he can start work on our project. He is currently substantially rebuilding a house for a friend; so there is some concern if and when he can fit us in.

The phone rings and Khun Somchai advises that our friend is currently scouring Thailand unsuccessfully for appropriate roof tiles; so he can start tomorrow on the destruction of our house; what she who must be obeyed calls “Phase 1”. I am hoping there is a phase 2 or else we will be living amongst rubble. He advises that he will take two days to remove the kitchen and the acres of tile that are to be replaced; which means that Saturday will see the contractor in full demolition mode in one part of the house; whilst the relatives are in adjacent rooms dismantling furniture and packing the fridge to send to the post office. While this mayhem is unfolding, the village committee will descend upon the house to discuss some of the more adventurous projects I have proposed to them as being condusive to the atmosphere of the village (I have doubts that the lighthouse will be approved). I foresee a perfect storm of shit on Saturday afternoon.

And so it begins

Wed, 02 Jul 2014 00:00:00 +0000

House hunting with she who must be obeyed was an interesting experience. Instead of concentrating on the overall look of the place and its potential; she tended to focus on the trivial:

“I like the fourteen bathrooms, the panoramic views and the Olympic sized swimming pool; but I could not live with the light switches in the kitchen. Next?”

After a couple of weeks of rummaging around various offerings, she did manage to get her head around the idea that, once purchased, we could mould a dwelling to our own taste; or rather her taste as I don’t have any, and would live in a cardboard box if it had a fast internet connection and somewhere to keep my cameras. Consequently, we ended up with a house that we had actually viewed at the start of our search and had been summarily dismissed at that time because she didn’t like the colour of a shower curtain (or similar).

Crap June

Tue, 01 Jul 2014 00:00:00 +0000

“Worst month since records began!” trumpeted the headlines; although that was probably just a comment on the British weather. But it has indeed been a crap performance for June on Pattaya Days; not that you even care.

Apologies anyway. It has been a month of abode hunting, which finally came to a conclusion this morning at 1000 when I handed over a substantial cheque and in return I received a set of keys to the new Spike Towers. I may now be broke; but I do have somewhere new to live.

A solitary tear

Mon, 30 Jun 2014 00:00:00 +0000

House hunting horrors

Wed, 18 Jun 2014 00:00:00 +0000

There is a reason for my minimal blog output over the past few weeks: I have been looking for a house to purchase.

Having sold the current Spike Mansions, it was necessary to obtain alternative accommodation; otherwise she who must be obeyed would have to live in a tent on the beach and there were apparently some problems with that arrangement (“where would I keep my shoes?”).

So, we dived into the housing market. It should have been easy. The Pattaya property market is in a slump; not that you would know by looking at the massive towers of tiny boxes being thrown up on every spare piece of land. If every condo being built is occupied, the city will be gridlocked and the sewage system will be overwhelmed by a massive stream of shit. Which reminds me of some of the property agents; but more about them later.

Armless

Fri, 13 Jun 2014 00:00:00 +0000

Home wiring

Fri, 13 Jun 2014 00:00:00 +0000

We are used to the mess of wiring hanging from poles around Thailand. Someone, somewhere, knows how it all links together, because the electricity supply is mainly reliable; only disrupted where we live by the wildest of storms.

But what if you wanted to build a house and the power cables were rather inconveniently routed across where you wanted to put your roof? Who would you call? Who would come and move the mess so you could build your cosy house free of cabling? Probably nobody; so instead of moving the cables; you just build round them…

Buying and selling

Wed, 11 Jun 2014 00:00:00 +0000

Apologies for the absence; but have been somewhat busy with a rather important transaction; the sale of Spike Mansions, headquarters of the Pattaya Days global operations. And also where our cat keeps its litter tray.

A contract has been signed and large amounts of cash have been furnished as a deposit. I have resisted the temptation to rush out and spent it all on wine, women and lenses; partly because she who must be obeyed would kill me, and partly because I need the cash to purchase somewhere for us to live (and the cat to keep her litter tray).

Sunflower encounters

Wed, 11 Jun 2014 00:00:00 +0000

Temptations

Wed, 11 Jun 2014 00:00:00 +0000

Do I take a photo of the concrete mice with my smart phone before or after I stare at her arse? It’s tough being a monk.

The World Cup - preview of coverage by Pattaya Days

Wed, 11 Jun 2014 00:00:00 +0000

None whatsoever; and any commenter who makes even a passing mention of the upcoming nonsense will be banned for life and have an inflatable bladder inserted into their rectum.

You are welcome.

Comments 🔗

2014-06-11 | ivo says

you are pissed at something?

2014-06-11 | Spike says

No more than usual. I am merely aware of a gathering hysteria about something that is about to happen in South America which interests me not in the slightest.

A red way to end the day

Wed, 04 Jun 2014 00:00:00 +0000

Also known as “sunset”.

A long way home

Mon, 02 Jun 2014 00:00:00 +0000

Up at 0430 yesterday to take she who must be obeyed to the airport so she could attend a family funeral. I justified my absence by explaining that someone needed to keep our remaining cat company…

At the motorway toll booth I saw our first post-coup soldier! He had a gun and all the necessary accessories, although the threat of suppression was somewhat diluted by the fact that he was reading a newspaper. Never mind, I averted my eyes, pulled down my cap and muttered “shit just got real”.

My wife, who had failed to notice the soldier because she was busy posting a photo of a rainbow to her adoring Facebook fans, asked me why I had said that. I told her. “Silly man”.

Took an hour and a half to deliver her to the airport; but I had photographic plans for the route home.

First stop was a temple (Wat Khao Din), close to the service area on the Bangkok/Chonburi motorway. It looks very cute as you drive past it; but actually visiting it is a bit of a disappointment because you can’t stand back from the temple to admire it and get some photos. A prime candidate for an aerial shot. Getting to the temple requires a turnoff before the service area and a rather complex set of manoeuvres in order to enter the narrow road that runs next to the motorway. For some reason the exit road was completely jammed; and after ten minutes queuing I took the first exit I could reach; and found myself back on the motorway heading south.

So instead I had to run for about fifteen minutes before finding an exit and making my way back up the side road. Then I had to drive around the temple area for a while until I found a suitable launch site.

Olympus E-M1

Sat, 31 May 2014 00:00:00 +0000

Olympus E-M1

Panasonic GX1

Sat, 31 May 2014 00:00:00 +0000

Panasonic GX1

How to win a motor race

Thu, 29 May 2014 00:00:00 +0000

Remove all items from your roof rack before proceeding to the start line…

Oh no you didn't...?

Thu, 29 May 2014 00:00:00 +0000

Oh yes we did. Spent a day at Universal Studios. Luckily for us all this is the only shot I can use:

Bitters & love

Wed, 28 May 2014 00:00:00 +0000

Let’s drink a cocktail!

Let’s not. The typical cocktail is a predictable, sickly concoction; comprising a small amount of cheap alcohol into which has been stirred assorted syrups, with a finishing dash of tap water; served in a hotel bar with Kenny G as your musical companion. Stick a crappy plastic umbrella in the top and charge a stupid price. Then there are the names; embarrassing to request and bearing no relation to the contents. “Can I have a Long, Slow Comfortable Screw Against The Wall please?” That’s going to get you more than you were expecting in Pattaya; especially if your waitress has unusually large hands.

Given my disdain for anything that purports to be a cocktail, how on earth did we find ourselves in a cocktail bar in Singapore last week? Blame Trip Advisor. Browsing the various attractions, I discovered that the number one rated restaurant in Singapore was a place called Bitters & Love; and its rating was not so much for the food; but for the extraordinary drinks they served. Of course we had to check it out.

We met up with friend Tic and consumed a nice bottle of white by the river, and then indulged she who must be obeyed’s desire for large crabs by eating large crabs; most of which were splattered across the table and our clothes. Suitably refreshed and partially replete, with took our pepper crab stained clothing for a walk to find Bitters and Love.

It was not easy to find. Even with a GPS screaming “here! here! here!”, it was not obvious. There was a humble looking restaurant called The Shoebox Canteen with a few wooden tables and a couple of customers, and on a bench outside there was a dog that looked like a chihuahua that had recently been inflated by a bicycle pump. We later found out his name is Baileys and he is the official bouncer. But step past the canteen to the back of the building and you find yourself in a dimly lit bar with a lot of bottles vying for your attention.

College seeking attention

Tue, 27 May 2014 00:00:00 +0000

The Lasalle College of the Arts was close to our hotel in Singapore and, as you might expect from such a building, it wanted to be photographed. So I did.

Crisis, what crisis?

Tue, 27 May 2014 00:00:00 +0000

Returned from Singapore to not only discover a 50% reduction in our cat population; but also that martial law had been promoted to a full-blown coup.

Assuming the announcement of a coup would result in a substantial increase in army visibility, we played I-Spy military stuff on the way home from the airport. I tried to claim five points for spotting a tank; but this was disallowed because the tank was an integral part of a PTT petrol tanker. So we arrived home with a score that was closely matched 0-0; a score that remains unchanged to the present. Disappointing.

Gardens By The Bay

Mon, 26 May 2014 00:00:00 +0000

Bystanders

Sun, 25 May 2014 00:00:00 +0000

A quiet place

Sat, 24 May 2014 00:00:00 +0000

Gabrielle

Sat, 24 May 2014 00:00:00 +0000

In 2005, management of us was taken over by two Korat cats. Although they were half-sisters, they were very different in temperament. Tiki was always the assertive one; very conversational and wishing to be involved in everything that we did. Gabrielle was more reserved, and would disappear as soon as anyone arrived at the door or if there was an unexpected noise. This was one of my favourite photos of her; slightly bewildered and on the verge of panic; which is how she spent much of her time.

Not tanked up

Tue, 20 May 2014 00:00:00 +0000

Woke this morning to the news that martial law had been declared in Thailand.

I listened for the sound of marching, maybe the unmistakeable rumble of tank tracks, but all was quiet. I threw open the curtain, half expecting to see a ring of steel thrown around Spike Towers, but the only sign of life was a soi dog and a drunk Russian.

It was the same when we had the coup, zero military presence in Pattaya. What’s the point of armed intervention if you can’t go and photograph it? There was nothing else for it, if the army won’t come to me, I must go to the army; and I was sure the army would be guarding the airport.

Indian nostalgia

Mon, 19 May 2014 00:00:00 +0000

Remembering “the most dangerous place I have ever stood to take a photo” for yesterday’s post; reminded me of my Bangalore trip of five years ago and I reminisced by browsing through some of the photos I took. This one was one of my favourites; taken with a 300mm lens with a 1.4 extender:

If you get my drift

Sun, 18 May 2014 00:00:00 +0000

What’s the most dangerous position you have taken a photo from Spike?

The one that got this:

Pattaya RC Air Show 2014

Sun, 18 May 2014 00:00:00 +0000

Following on from nearly a week of the 2014 FAI Asian-Oceanic Championship for Aerobatic Model Aircraft, Class F3A (a.k.a. a bit boring), today saw the local club flying at the same location.

Not as well attended as last year, with just a few stalls and a not very impressive collection of flying machines. The exceptions were a couple of jets which looked and sounded wonderful, and a very large Pitts which did all manner of acrobatics in a most lifelike manner. Worth turning up just to see it fly.

A pretty puzzle

Sat, 17 May 2014 00:00:00 +0000

A long time ago in a land far away, a became much enamoured of a book titled Gödel, Escher, Bach: An Eternal Golden Braid. Written by Douglas R. Hofstadter, the book explored the similarities between the three gentlemen through the mediums of “Zen Buddhism, math, fractals, logic, paradoxes, infinities, art, language, computer science, physics, music, intelligence, consciousness and unified theories”. Yeah, it was tough read; but it got me fired up about recursion, and the work of M.C. Escher in whose homeland I was residing at the time. His impossible geometry was intriguing:

Taxman

Fri, 16 May 2014 00:00:00 +0000

I last paid income tax in 1984. Up to that point, the UK tax authorities had been happily collecting a proportion of my monthly salary via PAYE, and there was nothing I could do about it other than whinge.

Then in 1984 I went overseas and the world became a sunnier place. For reasons I have never fully understood, the conditions of overseas employment with Shell always included clauses that stated that the company would pay any income tax due by the employee. I went to The Hague from the UK on only a slightly higher salary; but a load more cash ended up in my pocket each month because I was no longer paying any tax. Good times.

Gariz half case for the E-M1

Thu, 15 May 2014 00:00:00 +0000

Not a spectator sport

Wed, 14 May 2014 00:00:00 +0000

There are currently some guys dicking around with model aircraft; or more formally stated, they are competing in the 2014 FAI Asian-Oceanic Championship for Aerobatic Model Aircraft, Class F3A.

Scaffolding

Tue, 13 May 2014 00:00:00 +0000

Bira bike bonanza

Mon, 12 May 2014 00:00:00 +0000

Long term readers may recall that I used to make a monthly trip to Bira to photograph racing bikes. This was in the days of my monster Canon gear; and since moving to Micro Four Thirds I haven’t bothered much with action shooting; mainly because M43 cameras struggled to follow focus on moving targets.

The E-M1 offers significant improvements in this area; so yesterday’s track day seemed like an opportunity to see if I could grab a few shots. As expected, the failure rate is larger than with a Canon 1D; but I was very pleased with the quality of the images that I did manage to capture. Here are a few:

Shadowed monk

Sat, 10 May 2014 00:00:00 +0000

Heads

Fri, 09 May 2014 00:00:00 +0000

Up in the air again

Fri, 09 May 2014 00:00:00 +0000

After a bit of scare with my Phantom drone last week, I took it out for another outing this afternoon; partly to demonstrate it to a friend, and partly to assure myself it was still operating OK.

Fiercely hot, but we did a little flight near Viharn Sien:

2009 Olympus EP1

Thu, 08 May 2014 00:00:00 +0000

Olympus EP1

2009 Panasonic GF1

Thu, 08 May 2014 00:00:00 +0000

2009 Panasonic GF1

Throwback Thursday

Thu, 08 May 2014 00:00:00 +0000

I am (very) gradually updating my camera gear page, and having added all of my film cameras, I today added an entry for the Panasonic GF1.

Had a little nostalgia trip through my GF1 photos, and came across one I took in 2010 which is one of my favourite shots; so thought I would share it again.

Haircut 100

Tue, 06 May 2014 00:00:00 +0000

Actually a little more than 100 baht; but there wasn’t a crap eighties band called Haircut 300. “But why pay so much for your haircut Spike?” I would hear you ask if I had special powers. Well……

When I arrived in Thailand, I had my obligatory interview with the company doctor. I was never sure why we employed a full-time doctor; maybe he existed to serve as a warning to others. He was morbidly obese, smoked heavily, was borderline alcoholic; and rumoured to indulge in dubious sexual practices. He also suffered from various ailments, one of which was a hernia. I only found this out when I went to see him with a lump in my lower stomach which he examined and said “that’s a hernia, you must have it operated on immediately”. He then semi-undressed and showed me his own, much more impressive, protrusion; for reasons he did not explain. Maybe he just liked to show his patients that he had had personal experience of their ailments.

The tragedy of Wat Rong Khun

Tue, 06 May 2014 00:00:00 +0000

Odd date number two

Sun, 04 May 2014 00:00:00 +0000

Street lights

Sun, 04 May 2014 00:00:00 +0000

Under the red light

Sun, 04 May 2014 00:00:00 +0000

A stroll down Walking Street last night, battling for street space with the Chinese tour groups, and came across this bar bathed in red:

Bira bike black and white

Sat, 03 May 2014 00:00:00 +0000

Living on the edge

Sat, 03 May 2014 00:00:00 +0000

I prefer to live my life swaddled in a blanket of security, protected from the horrors of everyday life by layers of imaginary armour. Living with she who must be obeyed provides me with all the danger and conflict I require in my declining years. But today I found myself outside my comfort zone; twice.

First of all, I deleted Pattaya Days. I have been having some problems with the admin part of the site for some months; with 404 errors popping up when it should have reported “done that, my master”. Various attempts were made to resolve the problem; but I was eventually left with only one option; delete everything and re-install. The trick with Wordpress is that some of the files represent the design of the site; and other are for the generic Wordpress installation; so you have to save the design part; delete and re-install the rest, and then put back the design part. For someone of my limited (non-existent) technical skills, the opportunities for a massive fuck-up are wide ranging.

You for coffee

Sat, 03 May 2014 00:00:00 +0000

Very long time readers of this journal will no doubt not remember that my very first post, in March 2008, was a muse on my most excellent coffee machine, a La Pavoni Professional:

All is lost

Fri, 02 May 2014 00:00:00 +0000

It is with deep regret that I have to announce that I was overcome with excitement with my purchase today of a grout scrubber:

Not the Tour de France

Fri, 02 May 2014 00:00:00 +0000

Re-worked model

Fri, 02 May 2014 00:00:00 +0000

The path through the vines

Fri, 02 May 2014 00:00:00 +0000

The shapes of Mimosa

Tue, 29 Apr 2014 00:00:00 +0000

Keen to expose she who must be obeyed’s little sister to the many delights of Pattaya, we take her to Mimosa.

Bi Jupiter

Mon, 28 Apr 2014 00:00:00 +0000

A parcel from October Revolution Street in Moscow arrived this afternoon. Was it the “Putin Supporters Pack” I had been hoping for? No, something more mundane; yet another Russian lens.

Thanks to my unnecessarily large Russian camera collection, I already had an unnecessarily large Russian lens collection. But they are tempting and cheap little buggers and I keep buying them, most recently a Tair 11A and a Jupiter 11, the latter in response to a YouTube video from “Blunty”. The Tair I am uncertain about, the Jupiter 11 I adore.

Then “Blunty” posted another Russian lens review, this time of the the Jupiter 3, and he liked it; a lot.

This surprised me because I have a Jupiter 3 and I like it, not in the slightest. This maybe because it had accumulated significant cleaning marks on the front element during fifty seven years of use; or maybe it was on of those Monday morning vodka hangover lenses. Whatever, it had scored badly on my great Russian lens comparison test and had been put to one side to be dumped on eBay at some point.

But Mr. Blunty was so effusive in his praise that I thought I ought to take another stab at the Jupiter 3; and it was copy number two that arrived today.

Like the Kiev camera and many lenses, the Jupiter 3 arose from the Russian takeover of Contax and Zeiss after the second world war. Zeiss had produced the well-regarded Karl Zeiss Sonnar 50mm F1.5 in the 1930’s. The Russians appropriated the designs, the toolings and even the glass; and produced what became known as the Jupiter 3. Production from 1951-54 used old Zeiss glass; thereafter the design changed slightly and production continued into the 1980s. As with the Kiev cameras, the earlier the better; so I scoured eBay looking for something cheap, clean and old; and here it is:

Pattaya Sheep Farm

Sat, 26 Apr 2014 00:00:00 +0000

Pattaya does not solely cater to those who like to spend their time in bars and then insert their genitals in places they should really avoid; although this is the perception of some (mainly those who spend their time in bars, and STD clinics).

The vast majority of overseas tourists are families (mainly Russian), and every weekend also sees a flood of Thai visitors escaping Bangkok. They are all seeking amusements, and many attractions have realised that visitors are happy as long as there are things they can stand next to and be photographed. Nong Nuch has some spectacular flowers; but the most popular location features pink concrete cows. Mimosa offers fake, brightly-coloured houses to serve as a back-drop to the crucial selfie; and Art in Paradise is just rooms full of photo opportunities. Given these requirements, Pattaya Sheep Farm should do very well.

It’s a sprawling site on the outskirts of Pattaya.

Minus several million style points

Fri, 25 Apr 2014 00:00:00 +0000

I am pleased to report that the massive condo overhaul is nearing completion, with only a few minor jobs to complete the transformation.

One such job was the replacement of the door bell. The old one failed and even though we rarely get visitors, they shouldn’t have to hammer on the door to gain attention. So a new bell was procured and, with batteries installed, I started to work through the 36 chimes on offer. I was happy with “ding dong”, but she who must be obeyed wanted something more exclusive, something that truly reflected our status in society. She soon found it, an atrocious little jingle which she happily advised me was the theme “tune” to that most awful of Japanese manga characters; Doraemon.

Imprisoned pig

Thu, 24 Apr 2014 00:00:00 +0000

A legal matter

Wed, 23 Apr 2014 00:00:00 +0000

I first became aware of the possibilities of pirated software when I was living in The Hague in the 1980s. It was the time of the Atari 800 and games at a shop were hard to find and very expensive. But, as an alternative, there was “the list”.

The list contained a large selection of software titles, and a telephone number. Call the number and a shady character would arrive at your door under cover of darkness; a little like a drug dealer. In fact he probably had a second job as a drug dealer; but we knew him as the man who provided cheap software for cash.

Once we moved to Kuala Lumpur; things became a little easier. The local malls were stuffed with illegal software, so much so that it was well-nigh impossible to purchase anything original. By this time The Son had moved away from gaming and needed graphics development software that cost five thousand pounds in the UK. Considerably less money in KL bought you everything you needed on nine disks. The Son was soon developing clever plug-ins for this software, such that the company concerned called him and asked him if he would like a job as European Development Consultant. Fortunately they didn’t also ask where he bought his software from. So the son dropped the idea of university and instead headed off for a career as a software engineer; hopefully he has used legal software ever since.

Over the years I have gradually reduced my consumption of pirated software; and eventually the only illegal program on my Mac was Photoshop. Instead of paying a huge amount of cash for an original, I pay a couple of hundred baht for CS5 at Tuk Com. This had to be supported by software tools which stopped the program contacting Adobe and asking if it was legal; and of course I never received any updates.

Then along came Photoshop CC (Creative Cloud) and the concept of a subscription model. For 300 baht a month you get the rights to use Photoshop CC and Lightroom; which is a whole lot easier to swallow than a full purchase. After months of pondering, I finally took the plunge and I now have a fully legal Photoshop on my computer (I had already purchased Lightroom). Adobe seem keen to let me know how lucky I am by providing an update almost every day. Haven’t had much time to play with it yet, but the Field Blur tool is pretty cool.

From this:

Holding back the light

Tue, 22 Apr 2014 00:00:00 +0000

And on the third day, he rose again

Mon, 21 Apr 2014 00:00:00 +0000

Or in my case, the thirteenth.

Yep, it’s been thirteen days of crucifixion-level suffering as I rather foolishly undertook a solo attempt to re-decorate the main living area of our condo. I would like to report that I am finished; but the more I fettle, the more I find that needs to be fettled. It may never be finished. But she who must be obeyed has returned from up north so I am now required to spend at least part of my day not elbow deep in dust and paint spray.

Ten litres of paint

Thu, 10 Apr 2014 00:00:00 +0000

Those who notice these things may have spotted that I have been somewhat quiet over the past few days. This is because my wife has left me.

She needed to go home to Ubon to sort out some things for her mother’s house, and so decided to make an extended trip of nearly two weeks and stay for Songkran.

Of course the question came up, would I like to go too? Well, of course I would, I lied quickly, but we have a sick cat that needs tending and I really have to get on with painting the condo having purchased the paint months ago and looked at it only occasionally since then. The cat and the paint thing contain some elements of truth, but the reality is that I could not stand an extended period with her grandmother. It appears I am not alone in this, because my wife was on the phone on the first day explaining the many methods she would like to employ to silence the old bat permanently. I have sent a machete by EMS.

Another girl on another bike

Sun, 06 Apr 2014 00:00:00 +0000

Nutrient intake

Sun, 06 Apr 2014 00:00:00 +0000

Been quiet for the last few days, partly because I have undergone a major project to clear out a store room (astonishing how much crap I have accumulated), and also because I have been accompanying she who must be obeyed on a three day juice fast.

She has decided that she wants to eat better, and she wants to lose weight, and to kick things off she wanted to spend three days drinking nothing but veggie/fruit juice. The inspiration for this was Joe Cross’s documentary Fat, Sick and Nearly Dead; and if you have a weight problem and want to do something about it, it’s worth a watch. The idea is to reboot your digestive system and give it a rest for a few days by consuming nothing but juice. A minimum of three days is recommended (although you can go for thirty days or more if you really need to shed a load of weight). Watching Joe’s film, it was clear that the first few days are the worst as you system adjusts to a fluid diet; so I was assuming it would not be fun.

And it wasn’t. The juices we put together were tasty enough, but I suffered from headaches, listlessness, and generally felt like crap. She who must be obeyed suffered similarly, and it was good to head back to solid food today. We both lost close to 3kg in three days; it is now up to my wife to decide whether she wants to continue her weight loss by eating sensibly, or whether the constant need for Thai snacks will win.

As for me, I was happy to return to my normal consumption of fruit and vegetables in solid form.

It’s a few days away from the one year anniversary of my juicer purchase. I drink fewer juices than when I bought the machine, with the juice ingredients now being consumed as salads instead; which is of course more filling and just as beneficial nutritionally. Thanks to my improved diet (which also excludes meat), I weigh ten kilos less than I did a year ago (expect that to revert to 8 kilos once the juice fast effect has worn off), my waist size has decreased from a tight 34" to loose 32"; and most important of all I feel healthier. I was regularly afflicted with man flu, and variations thereof. Since I started juicing and eating well, I have not had a single day’s sickness.

More support for a primarily plant-based diet came from the results of study published last week that suggested that the recommended five portions a day of fruit and vegetables is insufficient, and to gain maximum benefit we should be consuming seven portions. “Eating at least seven portions of fresh fruit and vegetables a day was linked to a 42% lower risk of death from all causes”. Presumably this excludes being hit by a bus.

Cue much moaning in the comments section of news sites, arguing that eating such a large quantity is unrealistic. Seven portions represents 560 grams of produce; how could anyone eat that in a day?

This is my typical daily salad meal (that’s a large plate on a large stool):

Girl on a bike

Sat, 05 Apr 2014 00:00:00 +0000

Cownal knowledge

Mon, 31 Mar 2014 00:00:00 +0000

Thai news in English is so refreshingly straightforward. Take this headline from the Chiang Mai City News:

Man Murdered After Raping His Friend’s Cow

That’s telling it straight. English broadsheets would have treated it differently.

Cownal knowledge - The Sun (and Pattaya Days)

Bovine bonking prompts hoe hacking - The Mirror

Romanian immigrants and benefit scroungers suspected in murder tragedy - Daily Mail

Whatever, it’s a sad but amusing tale. Two friends go drinking (a lot). One goes to sleep and then wakes up to find his friend raping his cow. Presumably intimate relations with his cow are subject to permission; because the just-woken man kills his friend with a hoe.

Naza mode on the Phantom 2 Vision

Sun, 30 Mar 2014 00:00:00 +0000

The Phantom 2 Vision is a fine machine. but the documentation can be sparse in places, and hard to track down. Consequently there is a feature of the machine which you may never have heard about, but which gives you so many more flying options; or you may have heard about it but can either not find out how to enable it, or are keeping away because DJI tells you it is for advanced fliers only. Nonsense; it’s called the NAZA mode and your flights will be more pleasurable and safer if you have it enabled.

First I will tell you what it does; then if you like the sound of what it can do, I will tell you how to enable it.

By default your Phantom is set in Vision 2 mode. In this mode, the two shiny switches on top of the transmitter serve no purpose (apart from the right hand one which you frantically toggle as if attempting to bring it to orgasm in order to initiate the compass calibration mode). So when you fly, it doesn’t matter what position the switches are in.

In NAZA mode, these 3 position switches offer a number of functions; with “normal” flight being achieved with both switched in the up position. And this is why DJI says that this mode is not for beginners; because apparently beginners are not capable of checking that the switches are up before flying. Assuming you have the intellect to ensure that the switches are in the upright position before flying, then NAZA mode may be for you.

So, switches up and start to fly, and the Phantom will fly exactly the same in NAZA mode as it did in Vision 2 mode.

Now let’s play with the switches, starting with right hand side (S1). In the default top position you are flying in GPS mode, meaning that the Phantom will attempt to maintain the same position in space when you take your hands off the stick. Move the switch to the middle position and you are now flying in Attitude mode, or Atti for short (or A if you are really trying to abbreviate to the maximum [or max, or M]). In this mode, your Phantom will attempt to maintain height and direction by means of the barometer and compass; but GPS is switched off; so your craft will drift with the wind (if there is no wind at all, you probably won’t notice any difference).

Why would you want to use this? Maybe you have been flying upwind. For an easy return, flip it into Attitude mode and let it drift back to you. Wind direction permitting, it can also be useful for smooth video. Fly upwind, start your video, and then turn on Attitude mode and let the video run as your Phantom is born along on the wind.

The bottom position of S1 initiates the Return To Home (RTH) procedure; whereby your Phantom climbs to 20 metres if it is lower than that, flies back to the starting point and then gently lands at your feet to the applause of admiring onlookers. Normally, RTH switches on when you have lost contact with your Phantom; but there are times when you may want to initiate it even though you have a connection. The first is to impress those onlookers (I have been guilty of that); and the second maybe when you have had enough flying and just want to let your Phantom come home on its own. The problem is that in Vision 2 mode, the only way you can trigger RTH is to turn off the transmitter. This is all well and good if your Phantom does then return to home and land; but if it decides to bugger off instead, there is nothing you can do to reconnect; and you will left looking like a fool in front of an expectant crowd.

In NAZA mode, the bottom position of S1 will initiate RTH, but you can regain control by flicking up the switch at any time. Much better.

On the left we can find S2, home of the Intelligent Orientation Control (IOC) functions. In the up position (or in Vision 2 mode), IOC is off. And there you are, your Phantom a zillion metres high and a zillion metres away; and you want to bring it home. To do that, you need to know where the front of the craft is pointed so you can bring it back towards you. Unfortunately, given the shape of the thing, it can be impossible to know which is the front just by looking at it, especially from a zillion metres away. So you have to squint at the display on the phone to work out orientation (assuming you haven’t lost WiFi contact) and then mentally calculate which stick to throw to bring it back; by which time the batteries have died and it has landed in a swamp.

Hello S2! Flick the switch to the bottom position and you are now in Home Lock mode. Then pull back on the right hand stick and the Phantom will return to its starting point, irrespective of the direction in which it is pointed. I find this massively useful. Whenever I have finished with a flight, I turn on Home Lock and just bring it home; so easy.

The middle position is less obviously useful. It’s called Course Lock and when it is enabled, the Phantom will respond to the sticks as if it is aligned in the direction it was facing at time of take off. So if your Phantom was facing East when you took off and is now pointing North, pushing the right stick forward will send it north. Flick onto Course Lock and pushing the stick will send it East. No, I can’t think of a use for it either.

Still, access to Attitude, RTH and Home Lock modes is worth having, so how do you switch to NAZA mode?

Connect your Phantom to your computer and turn it on. Start up the Assistant software and on the top right hand side you will see a button set to Vision 2 mode. Click on it to change to NAZA mode.

Next, select basic mode and as you flick S1 you will see the options change in the control mode switch. In the down position you will see you have selectable choices.

Make sure you have selected Failsafe; which triggers the Return To Home mode. Another option is Manual, which removes all the limits of the flight system and allows advanced pilots to perform rolls and other aerobatics, and pilots like me to convert my Phantom to a pile of plastic in a couple of seconds. You probably don’t want to try Manual mode.

Turn off the Assistant software and turn off and disconnect the Phantom. You are now all set to use NAZA mode. Just remember to check your switch positions before turning on your Phantom.

UPDATE: In response to some of the comments to this post; here are some clarifications/additional info:

“Failsafe” and “Return To Home (RTH)” are the same feature. I have used both terms because both seem to be in common use; but they mean the same thing; when enabled your Phantom will return and land a the home point; provided it has been set.
You can change the home point by moving the S2 switch to the lower position and back, five times. Your lights will flash green to confirm. This works in NAZA or ordinary mode. There is a good post on this subject here.
The light sequences are different for the two modes:

Shootout at the Silverlake Corral

Sat, 29 Mar 2014 00:00:00 +0000

I have had my Tair lens for a couple of weeks and had yet to try some direct comparison shots with the Jupiter 11. So I loaded both into my bag and headed out to Silverlake and environs to make some shots with each.

Fishing boats

Fri, 28 Mar 2014 00:00:00 +0000

Photosynth

Thu, 27 Mar 2014 00:00:00 +0000

The Son knows well what sort of diversions might amuse his father, so he pushed me in the direction of Photosynth, knowing that I could not resist having a go.

The process is simple enough. You take a series of photos, upload them to the Photosynth site, and an animation is created for you. You can take a series of photos moving around an object, or by standing still and rotating around a spot, or by walking forward and taking photos on front of you or to the side. Check out the Photosynth site for some examples.

I decided that my first attempt should be an animation moving around an object; and rather than going out and walking round a temple, which would have been far too much effort in the current heat, I decided to stay at home and make a synth of my Yashica, with the camera staying still and the object being rotated in front of it. This is how I set it up:

Addictive little puzzler

Mon, 24 Mar 2014 00:00:00 +0000

So read the heading of an email from The Son, with a link to a web-based puzzle which looked pretty simple.

All you have to do is slide number tiles together until you reach number 2048, hence the name of the puzzle.

The screen capture above was made by me this afternoon after bloody days of effort on my computer, iPad and phone.

It’s very easy and somehow soothing to play; until numbers start to appear where you don’t want them and then it becomes a wankfest clusterfuck and you have to start again. This happened to me a lot. Then I worked out a system and I managed to get further; then I refined the system and finally cracked it; oh the joy.

Now we are six

Sun, 23 Mar 2014 00:00:00 +0000

It was on the 24th March 2008 that I first put (electronic) pen to (electronic) paper and wrote my first ever post for Pattaya Days. Two thousand, two hundred and ten posts later; here I am marking a sixth birthday and still wondering how I manage to churn out the crap on such a regular basis (an average of just over one post per day).

For those who like statistics, here are some more:

529,650 views A current average readership of around 350 per day 4,348 comments (an average of almost two per post)

Pattaya Days has been read by people in 181 countries over the past two years, here is the top twenty:

Train and boat and plane

Sun, 23 Mar 2014 00:00:00 +0000

Just messing about with the drone.

Using the 7th channel on the DJI Phantom 2 Vision

Sun, 23 Mar 2014 00:00:00 +0000

The DJI Phantom 2 Vision is a fun to fly, but there are a few frustrations. One of them is the fact that you have to use your phone to move the pitch of the camera. It is fiddly and feels unnatural given that all the other flight controls are on the transmitter. If only I could move the camera by means of a control on the transmitter. Now I can, and this is how I did it.

On the back of the transmitter there are two holes that provide access to a couple of potentiometers. The bottom potentiometer switches the transmitter power between CE compliance and FCC compliance. The unit comes with CE compliance set, but a minute with a screwdriver changes that to FCC compliance which gives more range; so that’s something I did when I first received the unit. You can tell which mode is set when you turn on the transmitter, one beep means CE, two beeps means FCC.

The top hole provides access to a potentiometer that controls the mysterious seventh channel. It’s mysterious because it apparently changes the camera pitch; but is disabled on the Phantom Vision 2. If only there was a way of initialising it. There is, but first we need to install a lever to move the potentiometer.

There are a number of offerings out there; but I thought it best to go with the official DJI switch.

I bought mine from Helipal for $9.90 and their service was excellent. Dispatched immediately and I then received regular mails advising me of the tracking status.

Installation is simple. Remove the back of the transmitter (you have to pull the back down to slide it out from the collar around the antenna); and then insert the metal rod into the upper potentiometer hole in the back panel. Replace the back panel, making sure you haven’t trapped any wires. Remove the double sided tape cover from the small plastic plate and stick it on the cover, place the lever on the rod and screw it in place. Finished!

Pattaya International Music Festival

Sat, 22 Mar 2014 00:00:00 +0000

It’s that time of year again, when Beach Road is closed and six stages are erected; upon which musicians of varying levels of competence are let loose on an unsuspecting crowd who are passing on their way to purchase assorted tat at the kilometres of stalls. Close to a hundred hours of musical mayhem, so I had to pop by and take some photos; as you may have gathered from the previous post.

As last year, I found the reggae stage to be the most enjoyable, far preferable to the pretentious Thai rock being served up on the other stages; but there were some good musicians everywhere; plus a few vocalists that should never, ever give up their day job.

It’s on till Sunday evening; good luck with finding parking

Guitar man

Fri, 21 Mar 2014 00:00:00 +0000

No artifical colouring...

Fri, 21 Mar 2014 00:00:00 +0000

Nicked by the Royal Thai Police

Thu, 20 Mar 2014 00:00:00 +0000

I have lived, and driven, in this fine country for more than fifteen years. It is therefore inevitable that I have a few encounters with the boys in brown. Some have been as a result of actual transgressions (wrong way down a one-way street), some as the result of questionable transgressions (driving in the outside lane - I was overtaking, BiB said I wasn’t), and some as a result of outright scams (You were going more than 120kph - my truck doesn’t go that fast).

Occasionally, if I had been obstinate and dumb enough, I was waved on my way. But usually these encounters have been resolved by the passing of funds from me to the usually friendly police representative. In fact, once cash has changed hands, they become very friendly indeed.

For example, there is a road in Bangkok which inexplicably turns into a one-way coming towards you when you drive towards it, requiring you to turn off just before the one-way system into a tiny soi. Not at all obvious, and so the police managed the situation by ~~installing a large sign saying “turn left”~~ placing a police box just past the turn so they could arrest errant drivers in comfort. I was caught, and waved into a parking area where my crime was explained and 100 baht offered in recompense. This made the policeman very happy and he wanted to know where I was headed. He then explained the best route, which involved cutting across four lanes of traffic; and then jumped into the road, stopped all four lanes and sent me on my way with a smart salute. Best 100 baht service ever.

I have a policy to never pay more than 200 baht, and this has been sufficient to ensure that I have never actually been served a ticket from the little pad of paper that they all wave around when they stop you. Until two days ago.

I was driving back from my trip to Nong Nuch and decided to stop and take a drone shot of Mimosa. Mimosa is a pretty dire experience, but everything looks better from a couple of hundred metres up (apart from Lagos, which requires two thousand metres and on a heading out of Nigeria), so decided to point my drone at it. Got the shot, and then had to do a U-turn to return to Pattaya; at which point I drove into one of the regular road blocks that the BiB operate in that area. Their normal ploy is to stop all tourists on bikes and scare them out of money; but I have never been stopped so was feeling fairly relaxed. Then I was waved down.

“Licence please.” I obliged and he perused it. Could I go now? “Your road tax is out of date, it expired in February last year.” I thought about telling him that his English was pretty good; but that “last month” would have been more accurate; but settled for “sorry”. “Pay here or at station?” “How much to pay here?” “One thousand baht.” “I only have two hundred.” (I always empty my wallet of cash while they are pontificating, leaving only two hundred to wave as possible ransom money). “Not enough.” And he strode away to write out my ticket. Damn.

Turned out that I had to go to Jomtien Police Station to pay my 400 baht fine and collect my licence (once you give them your licence you don’t get it back until honour has been satisfied), and this was only a kilometre or so away. My arresting officer gave me directions and told me he would come along in five minutes with my licence. I went to the police station, sat in the car park for fifteen minutes, and then went home. It had been, as I had expected, a Thai five minutes.

In the afternoon I presented myself at the road tax office and discovered that the policeman’s grammar had been perfect; the tax had expired in February 2013; which means I have not renewed my tax since February 2012! In my defence, I have been despatched to the tax office by she who must be obeyed every year when she forgets to renew her tax and panics. Also in my defence, I am useless. Apart from the 900 baht tax for each year, I had to pay some swingeing penalties for late payment; 126 baht for the thirteen months late payment for 2013, and 18 baht for this year.

Tax paid, I headed back to Jomtien to pay my fine and collect my licence. The clerk in the police station was extremely cute. I told her she was a fair cop but she didn’t get the joke; and then pointedly asked me my age as she filled in one of the two forms required to document my evil deed. Fine paid and she scrabbled around in a box full of licences, but there was no sign of mine. Ledgers were consulted and it was decided that my arresting officer had not handed it in.

“Take a seat” she suggested, “he’ll be here in five minutes.” I was tempted to ask her if that was the same five minutes that he had promised six hours ago; but as I mentioned, she was very cute and the guy sat next to her was equipped with handcuffs and a sour expression, so I sat down to wait. Twenty minutes later, PC Plod turned up and turned out his pockets. His filing system was not the best and my licence was not in pocket number one; although I was offered to choose any one that I fancied. Same result for pocket number two,and was I mulling the not too unpleasant thought of returning to the cute clerk and filling out a lost licence report. Finally, he reached in a top pocket and extracted the licence of Mr Hans and Mr Spike. Big smiles all round and I was out into the world with all documentation in order, after what had been overall quite a pleasant experience. I love this country.

A Pattaya perambulation

Wed, 19 Mar 2014 00:00:00 +0000

Coffee with she who must be obeyed before she set off for work, and then decided to take a walk along Second Road and back along Beach Road. You probably can’t do much worse for street photography than a heavy, manual-focus, 270mm effective focal length lens; so sticking the Tair on the front of my camera was not a good idea. To further mess things up I decide to shoot using one of the Olympus’s art filters, which produced some “interesting” variations from reality. Still, this is what I got:

Not enough Russians

Tue, 18 Mar 2014 00:00:00 +0000

It’s been a while since I acquired my Russian Tair lens and decided to arise promptly this morning and take it to Nong Nuch Tropical Garden, with a plan to take comparison shots with my Jupiter lens of the same length.

I am not at my best early in the morning, so gear was packed and put by the front door last night. Into the truck this morning and I was at at Nong Nuch not long after it opened. Extracted the Tair from its carrying case; and it was at this point that I remembered that the lens does not fit on the case with the required adapter attached, and I remembered that the adapter was still at home in a box, and I remembered that I am an idiot. Another cock-up, to add to the forgotten memory cards, batteries and once the entire camera on previous outings. Still I had the Jupiter so knocked off a few flower shots with that:

Leaving on a jet plane

Mon, 17 Mar 2014 00:00:00 +0000

In my previous life I worked in a company that always assumed that the worst was going to happen. As well as rigorously enforcing health and safety policies (which, purely by coincidence, meant we killed or injured far fewer people than you might expect given the nature of our business); we also had a crisis management plan for when things went spectacularly wrong.

The plan was written up in a large manual and kept in a room nominated as the control room should an emergency arise. Training took place, people were nominated into various roles and drills were held on a regular basis. It was just my luck to be “duty manager” when one of these drills was initiated; which meant I spent several stressful hours locked in a meeting room when I could have been relaxing with a coffee and planning my retirement,

Not the Daily Mail

Mon, 17 Mar 2014 00:00:00 +0000

If you had to choose the worst single source of news on the internet, you would find it hard to beat The Daily Mail. It offers a daily dose of skewed stories, most of which are trivial, none of which are served up without a sneer. They are well known for expressing outrage at perceived pedophiles, whilst simultaneously promoting photos that sexualise young girls. Immigrants and benefit-dodgers are the source of all evil and the key story of the day is an expose on which shop Kim Kardashian’s massive arse and tiny brain has most recently graced with her custom (i.e. collected freebies).

The beast arrives

Wed, 12 Mar 2014 00:00:00 +0000

My recent commentary on the situation in Ukraine focused mainly on my concerns that I had just ordered a lens from Kiev and I did not want it to be delayed; demonstrating once again my core humanity and emphasis on what matters in my tiny world. I am now pleased to report that the bloodshed can now continue, because the lens arrived this morning:

For reasons I have already forgotten, I previously acquired a Jupiter 11 lens; 135mm of Russian manual focus goodness; and it certainly produces nice photos, like this one:

FIM Motocross World Championship - Thailand round

Tue, 11 Mar 2014 00:00:00 +0000

After arriving one month early, then on a day when nothing was happening, I finally struck lucky on Sunday where there was a full afternoon of leaping bikes to enjoy. The riders are not only insane, they must be very fit; because races last for up to one hour, which is a long time to spend bouncing around with a face full of mud.

The mud and the dust removed the colour from the bikes and riders, making their photos rather sombre; but here are few anyway:

Bikes and sunsets

Sun, 09 Mar 2014 00:00:00 +0000

Went to the Motocross World Championship today and very impressive (and hot and dusty) it was too. Many photos to follow in due course. Here is just one:

International Women's Day

Sat, 08 Mar 2014 00:00:00 +0000

To mark the occasion, I can think of nothing less appropriate than a photo of a pit girl at Bira Racetrack. Please record your outrage in the Comments section.

Phantom 2 Vision

Sat, 08 Mar 2014 00:00:00 +0000

Had I started Pattaya Days ten years ago, my posts would have been littered with stories about broken radio controlled aircraft and accompanying expletives. Building, flying, crashing and repairing model planes was my initial hobby of choice when I first retired, resuming an interest from my younger days (beware, contains unusual trousers). Once I had run out of models, and heartily sick of the build/crash/rebuild cycle; I took up photography instead; as you may have noticed. I occasionally pondered the possibility of combining both hobbies in order to take aerial photos, but the options always seemed too complex, expensive and guaranteed to end in tears; pretty much as it had the first time around. But the desire to take photos from the sky remained.

Most of us assume that the appropriate height to take a photo is the distance between our eyes and the ground when we are standing up. In fact we don’t even think, we just do it. Occasionally I try and remind myself that there are other views available. If I’m taking photos of children for example; I like to get down to their level. As well as getting lower, you can get a little higher; either by finding a natural vantage point, or perhaps by standing on a ladder on the edge of a racetrack (in retrospect, not recommended):

Not the FIM Motocross World Championship - Thailand round

Fri, 07 Mar 2014 00:00:00 +0000

It was exactly a month ago that I turned up for the Thailand round of the FIM World Motocross World Championship; only to discover that I was a month too early for the event. Still, I did manage to capture a few action shots.

One month on and we jumped into the car this morning to attend the first day of the three day event. Rolled up and 1000 and paid the 500 baht per person entry fee; a little steep but it’s a world championship event so one can expect to pay a little more than a club race at Bira. Sunday will cost 1,000 baht.

Down the track and the first surprise was that it was covered in tractors rather than bikes; it appeared they were still building it. All there was on offer were a few tents selling bike bits and a McDonald’s outlet. I asked around. No track action today at all, I was told, today is just a “meet and greet”. So it appeared I had paid 1,000 baht for the two of us to avoid a McDonald’s and look at motor bike exhausts for sale.

Quite staggering that an international sporting event can be held over three days; and then nothing at all happens for paying spectators on the first day….

We wandered around for 45 minutes and then left in disgust. For something to do we looked at a temple on the way home. It wasn’t very good.

Beach Road blues

Thu, 06 Mar 2014 00:00:00 +0000

Pattaya’s Beach Road is similar to seaside promenades at many resort cities; but with more prostitutes.

The prostitutes are rounded up every few months, fined 200 baht, and then disgorged onto the street again. As for the road itself, it has been the subject of many make-overs. A project of a few years ago, to move cables underground or some similar nonsense, dragged on for a couple of high seasons and made both driving and walking a complete nightmare. So when yet another project was announced last year, eons of misery were anticipated.

The project involved widening the road and rebuilding the sidewalk (again). The intention being that traffic would flow more freely, therefore making the prostitutes less visible (not explicitly stated). The problem with this initiative is that the traffic chaos originates at the bend at the end of Beach Road, next to Walking Street and a set of traffic lights. No matter how quickly you progress down Beach Road, you are still going to hit the jam at the end. It’s like having a partially blocked sink drain, and then planning to resolve it by building a bigger sink.

Still, logic never gets in the way of construction contracts and before long everything was being ripped up and replaced. And whilst I love the opportunity to bitch and moan, I have to say that they completed the work reasonably quickly and the end result is pretty good. You can now whizz down Beach Road at a decent rate of speed before grinding to a halt at the snarl-up at the end. They have installed a couple of speed bumps, which are great for catching a bit of air if you get the launch speed correct (the one outside the police station is particularly satisfying); and you can really scare the shit out of crowds of Chinese tourists who foolishly believe that the pedestrian crossing actually give them some rights.

All this is courtesy of an additional lane, and red lines on the outer lane which prevent parking (mainly). Theoretically this should give us three and a bit lanes for the Beach Road Grand Prix; but the bit at the edge is inhabited by motor-bike renters, vendors and people sat on plastic seats for no apparent reason. This leaves three lanes, the inside of which is occupied by parked buses, baht buses chasing passengers and goods vehicles.

Pattaya Lighthouse

Wed, 05 Mar 2014 00:00:00 +0000

1960 Kiev 2a Rangefinder

Tue, 04 Mar 2014 00:00:00 +0000

1960 Kiev 2a Rangefinder

During my search for a 1950 Kiev 2, I found this at a very cheap price and decided to indulge. It leaks light through the back panel and is nowhere are smooth to use as the earlier 1950 model; but it looks cool sat next to it on the shelf.

1970 Kiev 4 Rangefinder

Tue, 04 Mar 2014 00:00:00 +0000

1970 Kiev 4 Rangefinder

The Kiev 4 is fitted with a Selenium cell light meter which still shows some signs of life, but only if you point it directly at the sun. Twenty years after the first production run for Kiev rangefinders, the Soviet push for quantity rather than quality is starting to show and, although the camera works well enough, everything has a more industrial feel to it.

A pot, kettle, black situation

Tue, 04 Mar 2014 00:00:00 +0000

*David Cameron has threatened Russia with diplomatic, political and economic reprisals in response to Moscow’s invasion of Ukraine, with the prime minister telling reporters that Britain had to send a “clear message” to Russia.

Having chaired a meeting of the National Security Council, Cameron said on Monday: “What we want to see is a de-escalation rather than a continuation down the path that the Russian government has taken, violating the sovereignty and territorial integrity of another country.”*

1950 Kiev 2 Rangefinder

Mon, 03 Mar 2014 00:00:00 +0000

1950 Kiev 2 Rangefinder

In 1925 the Leitz company introduced a 35mm Leica camera which kicked off the small camera revolution. The Karl Zeiss Foundation responded by buying up a number of smaller companies and merged them all to form Zeiss Ikon AG, which then attempted to produce alternatives to the Leica; initially not very successfully

In 1932 Zeiss Ikon released the Contax 1 which on paper looked excellent, but in reality featured a shutter from hell that failed almost as often as it worked. Back to the drawing board and in 1936 came the Contax 2.

The shutter problems were fixed, in fact the Contax 2 offered a better shutter than the Leica, plus a more accurate rangefinder, a higher shutter speed, and a wider range of tasty lenses. Zeiss Ikon were well positioned to take over the lead from Leitz as the premier camera company. Then came the war and accidents of geography.

Both companies suffered camera production reductions as they were re-directed into supporting the war effort. Leica production was based in Wetzlar and, although the city was heavily bombed, the Leica factory escaped with only a few blown out windows. Zeiss Ikon, being based in Dresden, were not so lucky, and their production facilities were heavily damaged by bombing. Post war, both cities initially fell under American control, but the boundaries were shifted and Dresden then belonged to the Russians. With more than twenty million war dead, Russia was certainly entitled to reparations, and this camera company was a small part of that. The Russians therefore planned to move their new acquisition to a factory in Russia

As a precursor to the move, everything was taken to a factory near Jena in East Germany where three production lines were set up. One of these was intended to continue the production of the Contax in Germany; and other two were for the production of the same camera for Russia, initially to be called the Volga and then finally the Kiev. In the event; all the production lines were moved to Kiev and the Germans had to start up Contax production at a later time elsewhere.

In the post ware period of 1947-1949, small batches of cameras were produced in Jena. Some were called Contax, some were called Kiev. Some had Contax front plates which were overwritten with “Kiev”. Parts left over from Dresden were mixed with parts produced in Jena (collectors can identify which bit is which) and the differences can be as subtle as the design as the arrow on the rewind knob. But the cameras were essentially the same machine; high-end expensive precision cameras that cost more than a Rolex watch at the time.

If you can find a 47-49 Contax or Kiev then you will be paying big money for a collector’s piece as only a few hundred were made.

Production of the Kiev (camera) in Kiev (place) finally started in 1950; and if you can find a model from this year you are getting something very close to the original Contax, produced at a time when German engineers were on site overseeing production. Quality stayed high till the mid-fifties and then started to decline as tooling was simplified and production targets became more important than quality control. So I was very happy to acquire a 1950 Kiev 2.

Oscar yawns

Sun, 02 Mar 2014 00:00:00 +0000

Maybe it’s just me; but the last year has been unspectacular at the cinema. Which makes it rather difficult to be excited about tonight’s annual self-congratulatory wank-fest that is the Oscars.

Most of the “Best Picture” nominations are competent enough movies; but none really stands out, other than perhaps 12 Years a Slave, which tackles a subject most Caucasians would rather forget in sufficiently harrowing detail that you are unlikely to come out of the cinema and immediately forget it. That’s probably reason enough to give it a statue, because the rest are entertaining without being emotionally engaging.

Partial completion

Sun, 02 Mar 2014 00:00:00 +0000

Have spent some time updating the “My camera collection” section of this site and have now added details on five film cameras. That’s not all of them; then there are the digital cameras, and all the lenses. Ridiculous; but I love them all for different reasons.

Click the link at the top of the page, or here.

Yashica 12

Sun, 02 Mar 2014 00:00:00 +0000

Yashica 12

It’s all very well having 35mm film cameras; but if you are going to mess around with film why not go all the way and use medium format 120 film? Bigger negatives to play with, and much easier to handle if you want to develop the film yourself. Plus, with only twelve shots per roll; you don’t have to take so many photos before finding out that you have made a complete cock-up of everything.

With this in mind I started cruising eBay. There were many choices; Rolleiflex and Hasselblad looked tempting, but the price tags were prohibitive unless you are serious about film photography; and I am not. So I settled for this:

Yashica 635

Sun, 02 Mar 2014 00:00:00 +0000

Yashica 635

I had already indulged in a Yashica 12 (see this page for more information the Yashica 12 and Yashica TLR cameras). One Yashica TLR is enough, but when I walked into the SiamTLR shop in Bangkok, and there was a Yashica 635 in very good condition for a very reasonable price. I couldn’t resist.

Grumpy cat

Sat, 01 Mar 2014 00:00:00 +0000

Ten years of meaningless diversions

Fri, 28 Feb 2014 00:00:00 +0000

Ten years ago today was my last days of employment. After thirty seven years of working for “the man” (and an occasional woman), I was cast aside onto the scrapheap of humanity. Made redundant, discarded, unemployed; after so many years of faithful service.

To be fair, my employer of more than thirty years did ask me whereabouts in the world I would like to work once I had finished in Bangkok. Unfortunately most of the options seemed to indicate either Holland or, perish the thought, the UK. And after living in Thailand, anywhere else seemed a bit of a let-down, even if it did involve a salary. So, ever the dedicated employee, my immediate answer was “redundancy please”; or as it was known in company myth, “the package”.

Zero Image Pinhole camera

Mon, 24 Feb 2014 00:00:00 +0000

Zero Image Pinhole camera A long time ago (about 2,500 years) in a land far away (China) a man by the name of Mo-Ti observed that light passing through a small hole projected an image on a surface. And that was the start of photography.

Over the next couple of thousand years, this idea was employed mainly for the study of the heavens, with astronomers and scientists building elaborate structures, or annoying their wives by taking over the living room, and then lighting a wall from a small hole that let in the light. In the seventeenth century Johannes Kepler decided it would be useful if these dark rooms with holes in them should have a name, so he called them camera obscura (camera=vaulted chamber in Latin, obscura=dark). By this time, the camera obscura was being used with a lens rather than a pinhole by artists who wanted to project an image and then draw it. Indeed there is some conjecture that some of the great artists were tracing their masterpieces inside a camera obscura rather than drawing from observation; the cads!

The lens based camera obscura became more popular; but the basic pin-sized hole technique retained a following and as is so often the case, it took a Scotsman, Sir David Brewster, to give this technique a name: pinhole photography. Although Sir David only invented the pinhole bit, the word photography had already been coined by Sir John Herschel (if you didn’t have a knighthood, you weren’t allowed to name things).

In the early part of the last century, pinhole photography died away a little, but has seen a resurgence since the 1960s as people come back to the most basic form of photography, a box with a hole in it.

I like pinhole photographs. Some pinhole photos (none of mine) are extremely evocative and artistic. I bought a Pinwide pinhole “lens” for Micro Four Thirds and I play with it occasionally; but it is not the proper pinhole experience. Pinhole photos should be taken on film using a camera with minimal controls. There should be considerable uncertainty as to the outcome. The camera should not be a modern metal contraption, it should be made of wood. It should be something like this:

1896 Kodak Bullseye

Sun, 23 Feb 2014 00:00:00 +0000

1896 Kodak Bullseye

When George Eastman resigned from his banking job in 1881 and decided to pursue photography, his family must have been disappointed. He was a rising star in the bank; and to give that up to become involved in the nascent camera industry must have seemed rather foolish. History shows that it was actually an excellent decision.

His first cameras featured dry plate backs which, although more convenient than wet plate photography, still required considerable effort to transport and process. But Eastman saw the future lay in roll film and in 1888 he launched the first Kodak camera.

For $25, you would receive the camera loaded with 100 shots on a roll film, and when you were done, you sent the camera back to Kodak for processing and loading of another film; and you paid $10 for that service.

In spite of the high price, sales were brisk, and Kodak released a number of different models in the next few years.

Meanwhile, over in Boston, the imaginatively named Boston Camera Company produced the Bulls-Eye camera. This was the first camera in the world to use a paper backing on the film, on which was written the exposure numbers; and owners could read off the shot number through a little red window in the back of the camera.

1963 Ihagee Kine Exakta

Sun, 23 Feb 2014 00:00:00 +0000

1963 Ihagee Kine Exakta

The idea of looking through the lens to compose and focus an image goes back to the very early days of photography, with the first SLR camera being credited to Mr. E.W. Smith and his Monocular Duplex in 1884.

Providing SLR facilities in large format cameras was easy enough; but building them into a small body and making them sufficiently effective to allow accurate focusing was more of a challenge; and it wasn’t until the mid-1930s that solutions for 35mm cameras emerged. The first to crack the problem was the Russian made Sport which was prototyped in 1934 and went into production in 1937.

But unfortunately for the Russians, their extended prototyping period meant that the German company Ihagee could release the Kine Exakta in 1936 and thus claim to have the world’s first production 35mm SLR (although it probably didn’t seem that much of a big deal at the time.

Historical enough for me to pick one up, a post-war version and therefore cheap (and with the name changed on the front plate to “Exacta”, presumably to make it more export friendly).

I bought an SLR!

Sun, 23 Feb 2014 00:00:00 +0000

What, one of those flappy mirror monstrosities? Yep; but it’s for an historical cause.

Historical enough for me to pick one up, a post-war version and therefore cheap (and with the name changed on the front plate to “Exacta”, presumably to make it more export friendly).

Who's smiling now?

Sun, 23 Feb 2014 00:00:00 +0000

Two weeks ago, Kevin and I spent a couple of afternoons taking photos of the protesters in Bangkok. At the end of the second day we rested on the steps near Big C; waiting for our wives to return from shopping.

This afternoon a man took his children to Big C. A bomb exploded, his five year old son was killed and his six year old daughter was seriously injured. They had nothing to do with the protests; they were just passing by. Another tragedy amongst many that have occurred over the past few days.

You promised no more horses

Sat, 22 Feb 2014 00:00:00 +0000

I know I did, sorry….

I no longer photograph polo on a regular basis; which is just as well because I the lens and camera I used to take the pictures have found new homes in California and Ireland respectively. But I was trawling through my tens of thousands of polo shots this morning to choose some to make up a gallery; and I realised I do have some pretty good shots.

Like this one:

Partial pepper

Fri, 21 Feb 2014 00:00:00 +0000

More glass

Thu, 20 Feb 2014 00:00:00 +0000

Lens choice has long been a plus point for Micro Four Thirds, with both Olympus and Panasonic offering a range of lenses, and other manufacturers such as Voigtlander offering some interesting alternatives. Here are some new releases to tempt you:

Olympus 40-150mm F2.8 Pro - We already have the 12-40mm F2.8 Pro and it is a very fine lens indeed; so expectations are high for the 40-150mm. It was announced last year and the current release date is “second half of 2014”. We can take some comfort in the fact that it is now prominently featured in the latest E-M1 catalogue.

Smooth operator

Wed, 19 Feb 2014 00:00:00 +0000

Time for my annual visit to renew my visa, a process that always fills me with unnecessary trepidation. It is not that the renewal is in any way difficult, but rather a reminder that my life here; with wife, condo, car, cats and more cameras than is sensible; is entirely dependent upon an annual stamp in my passport that allows me to reside in this most excellent country.

It is also something to do with the fact that I dislike going to the immigration office. Not because the service there has ever been less than efficient and friendly*; but because of the parade of partially dressed ingrates that stagger through the doors in search of what they believe to be their right rather than a privilege. They are an embarrassment; and they smell bad. Obviously this observation excludes any readers of this journal who are all fragrant and wonderful human beings.

Protest Faces - 4

Mon, 17 Feb 2014 00:00:00 +0000

Last post on this subject!

Burapa Bike Week 2014

Sun, 16 Feb 2014 00:00:00 +0000

In 2013 the Burapa Bike event was held at Silverlake, and the larger location attracted large numbers of bikes, hordes of interesting people, and therefore plenty of photo opportunities.

This year the circus reverted to the usual location of the sports stadium complex and seemed to suffer because of that. Consequently I took far fewer photos.

Gunfight at the O.K . Krap coral

Sun, 16 Feb 2014 00:00:00 +0000

It was the usual lazy afternoon:

Protest Faces - 3

Sat, 15 Feb 2014 00:00:00 +0000

Panasonic GM1 Review

Fri, 14 Feb 2014 00:00:00 +0000

Protest Faces - 2

Wed, 12 Feb 2014 00:00:00 +0000

Protest Faces -1

Tue, 11 Feb 2014 00:00:00 +0000

Partial shutdown

Mon, 10 Feb 2014 00:00:00 +0000

A couple of days in Bangkok with Kevin and our wives; and while the ladies laid waste to the shopping malls, we took our E-M1s and headed for the protest site at Siam.

This is what we found. Firstly, a substantial part of the area around Siam has been closed down, from MBK down to the corner next to Gaysorn plaza, with only limited vehicle access to car parks being made available. Rally stages have been established next to MBK and on the corner of Central World.

Pavement arist

Mon, 10 Feb 2014 00:00:00 +0000

One month early

Fri, 07 Feb 2014 00:00:00 +0000

There was much hilarity all round when I arrived to photograph the bed race a week early. Just a silly once-off mistake I assured everyone; stop mocking.

With that behind me I set off this morning to take some photos of the FIM Motocross World Championship - Thailand round. A simple 45 minute trip turned into a two hour nightmare when I fell foul of major roadworks before finally finding myself on the road back to Pattaya. Much fiddling around on small roads followed before I finally arrived at the Pintong Industrial Estate and then struggled to find the circuit. Why wasn’t it properly signposted? Probably because, as I discovered, I was exactly one month early….

Never mind, there were some bikes on the track so I could take a few photos, and the E-M1 surprised me again by being extremely competent in tracking my targets, with any mistakes being mine, like this one…

Wat Chompuwek

Tue, 04 Feb 2014 00:00:00 +0000

Our final visit of the day and another temple.

Wat Rat Prakhong Tham

Mon, 03 Feb 2014 00:00:00 +0000

Heading for our final destination, we stumble across another promising looking temple and stop to check it out. There is a large reclining Buddha, but pillars and money-demanding monsters in sunglasses block a clear shot:

Balls of steel

Sun, 02 Feb 2014 00:00:00 +0000

If I sat down to count the number of times I have exhibited bravery in my life, it would take me a while. Not because of the number of occasions I would need to recall; but because I would have trouble remembering any. There was that time when I almost argued with she who must be obeyed’s choice of parking spot; but I wisely chickened out before proceeding. But apart from that I have confined myself to my very small comfort zone.

I did venture out during the red shirt protests in 2009, but that was a fairly benign envrionment.

Could be a good year for Pattaya

Sun, 02 Feb 2014 00:00:00 +0000

Comments 🔗

2014-02-02 | Andrew says

They obviously were given the Chinese calendar published by the Pattaya Tourist and Bar Owners Association…

Wat Amphawan

Sun, 02 Feb 2014 00:00:00 +0000

Continuing our journey through Nonthaburi, we arrive at Wat Amphawan. The point of interest is apparently a prayer hall on stilts.

Nonthaburi Old City Hall

Thu, 30 Jan 2014 00:00:00 +0000

Road trip, enquires Nik the neighbour? Oh yes, says I, without first checking that this will require us to leave the condo at 0600. But we do, and return some ten hours later having plundered the province of Nonthaburi. I must commend myself on my excellent navigational skills, which turned to ratshit when my phone’s battery died and I no longer could rely upon Google maps. With a bit more battery life it might have been a nine hour trip.

The first location to have E-M1s waved at it was Nonthaburi old city hall.

Wat Boromracha Kanchanapisek Anusorn

Thu, 30 Jan 2014 00:00:00 +0000

If either of my readers happens to be Chinese; happy Chinese New Year! This one’s for you.

Next stop on our day out in Nonthaburi was Wat Boromracha Kanchanapisek Anusorn. The temple, which took twelve years to construct, was erected to commemorate King Bhumibol’s reign of 50 years. With materials sourced from China and based on the style of the Forbidden City, it’s an impressive and colourful place.

Quiet seat

Wed, 29 Jan 2014 00:00:00 +0000

Pattaya Bed Race 2014

Mon, 27 Jan 2014 00:00:00 +0000

Kiss kiss

Sun, 26 Jan 2014 00:00:00 +0000

Can't go wrong with a meerkat

Wed, 22 Jan 2014 00:00:00 +0000

A day at the zoo with Kevin and Anita, who have spent several months of their lives shooting wildlife in Africa (with cameras). Given that, there was probably not much to excite at a slightly faded Thai zoo; but there were meerkats, and you can’t go wrong with a meerkat.

Spikes, by Spike

Tue, 21 Jan 2014 00:00:00 +0000

Lucky shot

Sat, 18 Jan 2014 00:00:00 +0000

She who must be obeyed fancied an outing to try out her new GM1 camera today and decided Nong Nuch would serve as a testing ground. I was there last week to play with my Jupiter 11, but there is always something to shoot so I was happy to wander round with her.

Did my usual circuit and we were returning to the car park as the sun was setting. There was a group of tourists in one of the buildings near the French garden and I took a couple of uninteresting shots of the structure. Then, just as the sun sunk into the clouds and the sky decided to be interesting for a minute or so, one of the tourists posed for her friend to take a photo; and I had my shot.

The bells

Sat, 18 Jan 2014 00:00:00 +0000

Jupiter ascending

Fri, 17 Jan 2014 00:00:00 +0000

My foray into Russian cameras, in particular the Kiev Rangefinder, alerted me to the delights of Russian lenses, in particular the Jupiter 8. Then there was the Jupiter 3, and then the Helios 103 which produced some very interesting images when stuck on the front of my GX1. This shot in particular had a soft, painted look to it which you just don’t get with modern glass.

Bum spray replacement therapy

Thu, 16 Jan 2014 00:00:00 +0000

There are many cultural differences between East and West, and after nearly thirty years of Asian living, I think I have adopted many Eastern practices to the extent that they now come naturally. But I have yet to adopt the practice of spraying my bum, post poo.

Of course it makes sense. Is it better to slide your fingers over your dirty bum, protected only by a thin piece of tissue paper, or spray it clean with a jet of water. The latter obviously; but my inability to use a bum spray without also soaking a wide area of my body, my clothes, the toilet and surrounding facilities; means I continue to consume toilet tissue.

Loud wedding

Wed, 15 Jan 2014 00:00:00 +0000

Up at 0500 for a day trip to somewhere on the other side of the gulf for a wedding of one of she who must be obeyed’s university buddies. I recall her as being the smallest Boot’s assistant I have ever met and also a really nice person; so happy to attend, although such an early start is not so pleasant.

I drive until we reach the motorway where I enforce a pee break (my wife is notorious for demanding a pee at the most difficult points in a journey). She then takes the wheel so I can navigate, which I do faultlessly; although we nearly come to blows at one point where I insist we go left and she demands we go right. I know I am correct because it is same spot where ~~I made a mistake~~ Kevin took us in the wrong direction when we went to the Ancient City last year.

We arrive at the wedding having missed much of the ceremony, but in time to see the sharing of the rings and the splashing of the water on the hands. There is a professional photographer in attendance with a full-frame Canikon and assorted lenses. He looks at my Olympus and observes “nice camera”. I can’t bring myself to say “so is yours”, so I settle for “yes, and much lighter than yours”. We don’t speak again.

I take a few shots inside the house. It is fairly dark and this was taken at ISO 1600:

Cactus flower

Mon, 13 Jan 2014 00:00:00 +0000

The usual suspects

Mon, 13 Jan 2014 00:00:00 +0000

A morning trip into the countryside with Kevin reveals that the undergrowth is slowly wilting due to the lack of rain and the insect population is likely to be less evident over the coming weeks. Even so, we discovered a few of the usual suspects. As we both have the same make of tripod, we swapped our cameras across between tripods; which meant many of our photos looked very similar, except some of his look better which is a little upsetting. Must try harder.

Meet the new boss, same as the old boss

Sun, 12 Jan 2014 00:00:00 +0000

Much excitement in the land of smiles as we await tomorrow’s shutdown of Bangkok by Suthep’s PDRC.

PDRC? Let’s start at the back.

C- Committee. The original plan was that the committee would comprise 27 of Suthep’s mates; but has now been expanded to around 400 “good” people that Suthep will choose. They will not obtain consensus by voting, so will presumably be placed in a large room and will shout at each other for months on end.

Web

Fri, 10 Jan 2014 00:00:00 +0000

Waiting for the baht bus

Thu, 09 Jan 2014 00:00:00 +0000

Stranger on the shore

Tue, 07 Jan 2014 00:00:00 +0000

What's better than....

Mon, 06 Jan 2014 00:00:00 +0000

Regular readers will recall the very popular post titled: What’s better than an Olympus E-M1 camera?

Indeed it was so popular that I felt obliged to follow it up with: What’s better than two Olympus E-M1s?

And now, I am pleased to announce the latest in the series which, after much deliberation, I will call “What’s better than three Olympus E-M1s?”

And the answer is of course, four E-M1s:

Kevin is back in town and his first port of call was Big Camera to collect an E-M1 with the 12-40mm lens. He wants the lens, his wife wants a new camera (well, even if she doesn’t she is getting one, because Kevin wants the lens) and so another sale for my local camera shop.

Work that body

Sun, 05 Jan 2014 00:00:00 +0000

A tale of two kits

Sat, 04 Jan 2014 00:00:00 +0000

Canopy

Sat, 04 Jan 2014 00:00:00 +0000

Neon

Fri, 03 Jan 2014 00:00:00 +0000

Location location location

Thu, 02 Jan 2014 00:00:00 +0000

The arrival of an admittedly half-arsed geotagging feature on the E-M1 means I should be able to provide better location information on future shoots. But rather than making my wonderful readers scramble around in exif files, how pleasant it would be to display this information in a post.

There are plug-ins for Wordpress which purport to provide this feature; but my new theme has it built in; which means I can show you a photo, together with a Google map showing where it was taken. Orgasmic or what?

Of no particular use

Wed, 01 Jan 2014 00:00:00 +0000

“New Year’s is a harmless annual institution, of no particular use to anybody save as a scapegoat for promiscuous drunks” - Mark Twain

As I have neither the energy or the permission to be promiscuous, and my capacity for alcohol reduces almost daily; New Year’s is of no particular use to me. However, it is the time when Wordpress reminds us of our annual statistics and it is with great sadness that I have to report a drop in visits to this hallowed organ. What happened? Well, what happened was a post in 2012 about Art in Paradise which attracted massive* international attention and a skewing of the statistics for 2012. A look over the years is more relevant, numbers are thousands of visits:

Wilted

Wed, 01 Jan 2014 00:00:00 +0000

Butterflies and caterpillars*

Tue, 31 Dec 2013 00:00:00 +0000

*Good name for a band.

Taking a break from my pussy tending duties, it was off to the undergrowth yesterday morning, to discover that all that was on offer was the same breed of caterpillar (spikeus boringus) in several locations; plus the occasional butterfly that had little interest in posing. But here a few shots, displayed for the first time in the new Pattaya Days widescreen format. Orgasmic or what?

Happy New Blog!

Tue, 31 Dec 2013 00:00:00 +0000

I know what you’re thinking: What? The? Fuck? Let me explain.

The old version (curse be upon it), had a space for posts and a space for a sidebar which held necessary info such as recent posts and comments. But this meant that the space available for posting photos was not as wide as I would have liked. This new version (blessed be its name) has a separate page for the blog, which means that blog posts can be wider and display bigger photos. This is a good thing.

Happy New Year!

Tue, 31 Dec 2013 00:00:00 +0000

Pattaya Days wishes all readers (apart from one, you know who you are), a very happy new year.

An update to using WiFi with the Olympus E-M1

Mon, 30 Dec 2013 00:00:00 +0000

Since my last post, I have had a chance to play with more with this feature. My comments are based on using Firmware 1.1 in the camera and the current IOS versions of the Image Share Application.

Geo-tagging.

My comment in the last post: “This (Geo-tagging) is potentially very useful, provided all the shots on your camera are from the same location and you remember to geotag them before you jump in your car and drive home” was incorrect. In practice, this is what you do:

D600 takes on the E-M5

Mon, 30 Dec 2013 00:00:00 +0000

My neighbour has been a micro four thirds user for almost as long as me, and an E-M5 owner since the camera was first released. So when his brother sought recommendations for a new camera, an E-M5 with a selection of lenses was suggested as the way to go.

But brothers are wayward creatures, and instead of coming home with an E-M5, he staggered over the threshold with a Nikon D600 and three lenses. Family tension ensued.

Equivalence bullshit

Mon, 30 Dec 2013 00:00:00 +0000

My first digital camera was a Canon 300D. I was vaguely aware that it had a 1.6 crop sensor, which apparently meant that my 50mm lens would show a different field of view to that shown with the same lens stuck on a full frame camera. My response to this was “so what?”; I was very familiar with the field of view of this lens on my camera and I really didn’t care how it worked on another camera which I did not, and would never, own.

I then moved to a 30D and eventually a 1D which has a 1.3 crop. I never bothered calculating the full frame equivalent of my expanding lens collection on these cameras; it was completely irrelevant. Thankfully, other camera owners never seemed interested in the topic either. 5D owners never walked up to me to belittle my sensor for being smaller and having some apparent deficiency caused by “equivalence”. Just as well they didn’t, or else I would have advised them that my camera knocked out ten frames a second, which was about the time it took their camera to acquire focus for a singe shot; so could they please just bugger off.

Then came MFT, and we all knew the implications of the size of our sensor in terms of field of view, depth of field, high ISO performance etc., and it wasn’t important because we loved our little cameras and the images they produced.

Front Page

Mon, 30 Dec 2013 00:00:00 +0000

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Live Time and and a 10 stop filter

Mon, 30 Dec 2013 00:00:00 +0000

I have had a brief play with the Live Time feature of the E-M5 (see here), enough to convince me that it would be more fun with a very dark filter to allow long exposures. The B&W 10 stop ND was in stock in B&H, so it was soon on the way to Thailand.

It arrived today, so I stuck it on the 25mm Summilux and took a couple of photos; neither of which were a particularly good example of long exposure photography; but they did demonstrate just how effective a 10 stop filter can be, even in bright afternoon sunlight.

Moving from the E-M5 to the E-M1

Mon, 30 Dec 2013 00:00:00 +0000

Have an E-M5 and planning an upgrade to the E-M1? We know the IQ is a better, the AF faster and the EVF is a major improvement; but what improvements are there in ergonomics and controls. Read on to find out.

With both cameras on the table in front of you there is little immediately obvious difference between them.

With the add-on grip for the E-M5, they look even more alike.

My Camera Collection

Mon, 30 Dec 2013 00:00:00 +0000

In progress

My collection of cameras and lenses are listed on the right. Click on an item to learn more about it

[progress percentage=“23.65” filledcolor="#dd3333" unfilledcolor="#c9c9c9"]Current progress[/progress]

Olympus 12-40mm review

Mon, 30 Dec 2013 00:00:00 +0000

In September I went to Japan for a week. I took my E-M5 with the Panasonic 7-14mm, Panasonic Leica 25mm, Olympus 45mm and Olympus 75mm. Took a load of photos; but there was a lot of lens changes involved. If only I had one zoom to rule them all….

Then came the E-M1 and the 12-40mm. Could this lens provide an alternative to lens swapping?

The first things I noticed about the lens was that it was larger than my existing walk-about lens, the Panasonic 25mm:

Olympus 60mm F2.8 Macro review

Mon, 30 Dec 2013 00:00:00 +0000

My previous macro experiences came courtesy of a Canon 100mm macro lens bolted to a succession of Canon bodies. I am sure things have improved nowadays, but at the time I struggled with focusing via the rear screen (the camera always seemed to end up in a position where my eye and the viewfinder could not get together, and the rear screen facilities were somewhat inadequate), and the camera/lens combo seemed rather unwieldy when being negotiated through assorted shrubbery in search of beasties. Eventually I sold the lens to another foreign resident in Thailand who went on to capture some spectacular images; so it must just have been me that struggled.

Olympus 75mm F1.8 review

Mon, 30 Dec 2013 00:00:00 +0000

I live in Thailand and I enjoy taking photographs of people. The good news is that Thai people, in general, like to be photographed. The bad news is that, as soon as they see a camera pointed at them, they strike a pose; which is not what I want to capture.

The other bad news is that I live in the city of Pattaya, rightly famous the world over for its sex industry. There are prostitutes everywhere and I would love to photograph them; but unlike other Thais they don’t like to be photographed; and neither do their pimps who tend to be of a violent nature and have guns. We all know who the winner would be in a gun/camera face-off.

The final nail in the coffin of my aspirations to people photography is the fact I am not the most forthcoming of chaps, so would much rather take photos without having to get involved with social interaction; especially with prostitutes, what would my wife say?

My walk-around lens is the Summilux 25mm, and very nice it is too. Find yourself obliging subjects, such as this Cosplay participant, and it will do a good job:

Olympus OM-D E-M5 review

Mon, 30 Dec 2013 00:00:00 +0000

I have been using micro-four thirds camera for more than three years, first with the Panasonic GF1 and then with the GX1. The E-M5 is my first Olympus and it has been with me for only a couple of weeks.

The world doesn’t really need another E-M5 review; but I am going to write one anyway, with comparisons with my GX1 along the way. Is the E-M5 that much better than the GX1, and if so, how?

Read on to find out.

Body and grip

The E-M5 is like a movie star, much smaller in person than you expected. You imagine from the shape that it must be DSLR size, but it isn’t.

PureMate Premium LCD screen protector review

Mon, 30 Dec 2013 00:00:00 +0000

It’s a fact of modern life that anything you buy with an LCD screen has to be immediately covered with a screen protector. Buy a new iPhone, which Mr. Ive and his bunch of designers have sweated blood over for months to ensure that the display is optimal, and the first thing you do is cover it in plastic crap to protect the original surface.

In deference to Mr. Ive, I refused to do this my original iPhone 3GS, reckoning that his glass screen would be scratch-proof and I would enjoy an uninterrupted view of Angry Birds whist others stared squint-eyed through their plastic enshrouded sub-optimum phones. My feeling of superiority lasted about a month, by which time the first scratches appeared, and by the time I sold the phone it appeared to have spent its life in a holster made of barbed wire. Since then I have slapped on the plastic at the point of purhase.

Shit lens shootout

Mon, 30 Dec 2013 00:00:00 +0000

We all know that there are some excellent lenses available for MFT. Lurking beneath the stellar performers at the top of the tree are some adequate kit lenses, and there are no lenses that could really be described as bad; except one.

Say hello to the Olympus 15mm body cap lens:

Storage solutions

Mon, 30 Dec 2013 00:00:00 +0000

One of the many joys of Micro Four Thirds cameras is their small size. But achieving this requires the camera manufacturers to provide small batteries which provide a limited number of shots; which means you will probably need to carry at least one spare.

The E-M1 and the E-M5 use the same battery (BLN-1) and I currently have three of them; one in the camera and the other two rattling around in my camera bag looking for opportunities to short against each other. If you also have spare batteries and would like to have an alternative to just chucking them in your camera bag, then there is this:

Using WiFi with the Olympus E-M1

Mon, 30 Dec 2013 00:00:00 +0000

Using WiFi with the E-M1 is straightforward and potentially useful. You will need a smartphone with the Olympus Image Sharing application downloaded, which looks like this:

Remote control is used for controlling your phone via WiFi. Import photos transfers images from your camera to your phone and Edit Photo allows you edit those photos on the phone. Finally, the Add Geotag option will geotag all the images currently on your camera. This is potentially very useful, provided all the shots on your camera are from the same location and you remember to geotag them before you jump in your car and drive home.

Impossibly cute

Sat, 28 Dec 2013 00:00:00 +0000

Regular readers will both have noticed that I have been upgrading my camera gear on a regular basis. It’s a sickness.

My wife however, whilst welcome to use my selection of lenses whenever I am not using them, apart from the really good ones, has not had a new camera body since she acquired an Olympus EP1 some four years ago. She seems happy enough to use my cast-offs; but I have been looking out for something that will give her a better experience and better photos; and will also be cute enough for her to want to use it.

Enter this:

Pussy problems

Sat, 28 Dec 2013 00:00:00 +0000

It is around this time of year that I publish a festively themed photo featuring our two pussies. This year, it ain’t going to happen.

Sadly, one of them has developed severe asthma and after several courses of pills from one vet we took her to another vet who kept her for a week for tests and treatment. We picked her up this morning and she is in a terrible state; worst of which is that she has stopped eating, and cats can’t stop eating for more than a day or so without liver failure; so her future is not too bright.

Xmas bokeh

Wed, 25 Dec 2013 00:00:00 +0000

Today we celebrate the birthday of one of someone very special (Sir Isaac Newton), and to mark the occasion I made my annual pilgrimage to the lights festooned around Royal Garden Mall.

Pattaya Santa

Tue, 24 Dec 2013 00:00:00 +0000

Only in Pattaya would you see what appears to be the festive rendition of a gimp suit:

After the sunrise...

Sat, 21 Dec 2013 00:00:00 +0000

… I needed coffee and a lie down; but instead went in search of some small things to photograph:

Morning has broken

Sat, 21 Dec 2013 00:00:00 +0000

My beloved had to get her arse out of bed at 0450 this morning to attend a function with her company involving a million monks, or a thousand, or some number in between. I intended ignoring her exit, but failed; so instead decided to head out to my favourite lake to catch the sunrise. It was worth it, although now I need to return to bed.

What to do on a Saturday

Sat, 21 Dec 2013 00:00:00 +0000

Stick the old theme back up; pending the arrival of the exciting* new look at the end of the year.

*dull

Comments 🔗

2013-12-21 | BlogDaz says

Good idea, wasn’t too fond of the new look.

2013-12-21 | Spike says

Me too. It was the latest theme from Wordpress and I thought it would serve as a basis for an upgrade. After a few hours I realised that it was crap; but was not confident in reverting (thought I had changed too much stuff). Now I am trying out a theme I actually paid money for; certainly has more options but no doubt I will make it look like a dog’s breakfast once I am done with it.

Scotsman joke

Thu, 19 Dec 2013 00:00:00 +0000

A Scotsman goes into a baker’s shop and says “Is that a doughnut or a meringue?”

The baker says “no, you are quite right, it’s a doughnut”.

Geddit?

Never mind, this is not a doughnut:

A peculiar caterpillar

Wed, 18 Dec 2013 00:00:00 +0000

It’s hardly surprising, but I can count the number of times one of my photos has been published on the fingers of one hand, and still have a finger free to stick up at all the arseholes that have stolen my shots.

I made several of the Indian national papers when I covered a round of the Indian National Rally, had some sailing photos published in Asia Pacific Boating and a few Polo shots dropped into polo magazines. Finally it was back to India where the India Times kindly decided to use one of my photos without asking me.

Forgetable photo

Tue, 17 Dec 2013 00:00:00 +0000

Sun had set and we were left with a dull golden light, and I spotted a yacht out in Pattaya bay. Stuck the Panasonic 100-300mm and took a shot at 250mm; 1/25th second.

What to do on a Sunday

Sun, 15 Dec 2013 00:00:00 +0000

Was planning to write a post on the current political situation in Thailand; but it’s such a mess that I couldn’t decide where to start. So instead I decided to change the theme for Pattaya Days. I can’t do much of the editing until the theme is live (unless I install the theme elsewhere first, and that is too much effort for an old fart like me), so please bear with me until it is finished. I thank you.

Ground control to Major Spike

Sat, 14 Dec 2013 00:00:00 +0000

Taken a bit of a break after my Kyoto photo processing bonanza; and what better way to wind down than by shouting obscenities at space craft.

As is so often the case, it’s The Son’s fault; because he pointed me in the direction of the Kerbal Space Program. Part game, part simulator, complete time absorber.

KSP has been under development for some time and is regularly updated. As of now there is a sandbox mode where all components are available to you; and a career mode where you start with limited components and conduct science in space to garner points that will foster research into new components. Under advice, I chose the latter, and it was a good decision because even with limited components you can get yourself into serious trouble; or at least I did.

Almost a macro

Wed, 11 Dec 2013 00:00:00 +0000

Been busy preparing a review of the Olympus 12-40mm lens, to appear on my other site shortly. One of the cool features of this lens is its ability to focus very close to the subject; making it almost a macro. Like this:

Farewell to Kyoto

Fri, 06 Dec 2013 00:00:00 +0000

I had a mini-bus booked at 1245 to take me to the airport. I knew they were picking up at various locations across the city, so assumed the pick-up time was approximate. It wasn’t, at exactly 1245 the bus appeared outside the door; how do they do it?

Trouble free return flight with JAL (and yes, they did have a vegetarian meal for me) and she who must be obeyed was waiting for me at the airport. And it is my wife I need to thank most of all for this trip. Firstly for suggesting that I should go, and secondly for ensuring I was adequately prepared with items that I considered frivolous but which turned out to be essential (long underwear, an extra wooly jacket and lip balm come to mind).

Final Friday

Fri, 06 Dec 2013 00:00:00 +0000

After five days of hitting the sights of Kyoto, I woke up on my final day and realised I had succeeded in going where I had wanted to go; with a few extra sites thrown in for good measure. But I still had a day left and I wasn’t going to waste it sitting around in my warm room browsing the internet (although the idea was tempting). Instead, I applied my usual layers of clothing and headed out to Nishiki market.

Kyoto November 2013

Fri, 06 Dec 2013 00:00:00 +0000

Koyo! Coming to Kyoto

Door detail

Forest Plucker Roof incursion

A man with a plan

Berries

Eikan-do

Breath deep the gathering gloom

Autumn Frenzy

Retro girl

A five hour stroll Kyoto colours

Arashiyama

Thu, 05 Dec 2013 00:00:00 +0000

It's been a while since I peed in my wetsuit

Thu, 05 Dec 2013 00:00:00 +0000

Which is an unnecessarily vulgar way of saying that I went windsurfing today.

It has been many many months since I last indulged and to be honest I was feeling a little nervous, for reasons I could not really pin down. Anyway, it all went very well and I lasted an hour; mainly because the wind was at medium strength and so I was not over-exerting my very unfit body. Came home, sat on the sofa. Slept very well.

Breaking news

Wed, 04 Dec 2013 00:00:00 +0000

Honganji

Wed, 04 Dec 2013 00:00:00 +0000

Down from the hills of Ohara and I decide to end the day visiting the two Honganji temples which are situated just north of Kyoto station.

My first stop was Higashi Honganji where one of the halls was undergoing substantial renovation. Renovate a temple in Thailand and you throw up some wooden scaffolding; but in Japan such efforts dictate the enveloping of the building inside a massive warehouse:

To the hills!

Wed, 04 Dec 2013 00:00:00 +0000

My original, incomplete Kyoto planning completely ignored locations outside the city, on the grounds I would not be able to reach them with any degree of ease. But Ian, the owner of my B&B, convinced me otherwise; which is why I found myself on a bus to the Ohara region shortly after 0800. The journey would take about forty five minutes and I looked forward to settling down with my book on my Kindle app on my phone. But I reckoned without the enthusiasm of the citizens of my host country who also fancied an outing, so I found myself stuffed in a bus and standing for the duration of the trip. Not so bad as it sounds, because the Japanese have a knack of not invading your personal space, however crowded things become (or maybe it was the fact that I hadn’t shaved for three days and was therefore looking even more scruffy than usual, and I was - and remain - a Caucasian).

Disgorged into the very cool morning air and we started the climb to Sanzen-in temple, the main attraction. On the way there were outlets offering sustenance and souvenirs:

Tofukuji time

Tue, 03 Dec 2013 00:00:00 +0000

Another day, another bunch of old buildings in Kyoto. The main target for the day was Tokufuji, renowned for its Autumn foliage. To get there I took a bus to the centre, and then a train to a nearby station.

She who must be obeyed and I had taken trains to nearby stations during our previous visit to Kyoto, only to become hopelessly lost trying to find the attraction which was apparently in the vicinity, but wasn’t after we had gone round in circles for an hour or so. No such problem during this visit, with a constant stream of visitors going to and from the main sites.

So the train was full of happy Japanese, and me (I was happy, but not Japanese). We all disembarked at the helpfully named Tofukuji station, to be met by men with yellow jackets and yellow signboards which they were waving in both directions down the station. I cleverly chose the exit with the fewest number of people, and I was feeling pretty pleased with my decision as I quickly inserted my ticket into the machine whilst reading a sign which ended with a warning in English: “No Exit”. Shit.

What I could do from here is buy another ticket to go somewhere else. But then another option presented itself in the rather attractive shape of railway employee who gave me a pitying smile and a small piece of card which would allow me to depart from whence I came. I gave her the obligatory bow or three and hurried out the main exit to join up with my fellow passengers on the walk to Tofukuji.

A five hour stroll

Sun, 01 Dec 2013 00:00:00 +0000

Second day in Kyoto and I decide to cover an area in the south west of the city. I had already realised that I am going to gather more than enough autumn photos during the course of my stay, and resolved to spend more time enjoying the experience of being in this fine city and less time snapping shots of everything. What followed was a five and a half hour stroll through parks and temples; a very pleasant way to spend a day.

I first made my way by bus and feet to the Yasaka shrine; where I met a bunch of Japan’s finest old ladies, also out for a walk in the cold sunshine. I gesticulated with my camera and they assumed I wanted them to take my photo with it. No, I wanted to take a photo of them! This went down very well and hats were smoothed, smiles arranged and we parted as friends with a lot of bowing all round:

Benign bangs

Sun, 01 Dec 2013 00:00:00 +0000

While people in Bangkok started killing each other in order to decide which flavour of politician would be next in line to steal the wealth of the nation, in Pattaya we had rather more benign bangs thanks to the International Fireworks Festival:

Kyoto colours

Sun, 01 Dec 2013 00:00:00 +0000

Track that

Sat, 30 Nov 2013 00:00:00 +0000

Among my list of many outstandings is a plan to write a review on my M43 site, covering the tracking focus ability of the E-M1.

Micro Four Thirds cameras have always been quick and accurate to focus on static objects, but completely rubbish at tracking focus on moving objects. The E-M1 starts to change that by including PDAF receptors on the sensor. This has mainly been done to allow a reasonable focus speed for Four Thirds lenses (distinct from Micro Four Thirds); but also allows a degree of tracking to be done with any lens.

The conclusion of my review will be that it works. My conclusion will also be that it doesn’t work; and that it both works and doesn’t works during a single burst of images. In short, it’s not that great and certainly not up to the standard of my previous Canon 1D and could not be used for commercial action photography. But, if all you wanted was a few shots from an action oriented event you attended; well then it will serve you well enough.

To test that claim I will be taking it to shoot things that are moving whenever I can, and today I went to the Pattaya Watersports Festival and shot some racing boats. The conditions were appalling for photography, shooting straight into the sun with light bouncing off the sea into the lens. Even so, I captured plenty of in-focus shots; here are a few of them:

Retro girl

Fri, 29 Nov 2013 00:00:00 +0000

Autumn frenzy

Thu, 28 Nov 2013 00:00:00 +0000

Breath deep the gathering gloom

Thu, 28 Nov 2013 00:00:00 +0000

Ringed by mountains, Kyoto loses sunlight early in the day in November, with photography involving sunlight being unlikely after 1500 and impossible after 1600; and by 1700 it is dark. On my first day, bereft of sleep, somewhat chilled and in need of a hot shower, hot sake and a good lie down; I was quite happy to abandon my day early. So my final stop was Nanzen-ji temple. I took a few photos in the gathering gloom before scuttling back to my room and some rest.

Eikan-do

Thu, 28 Nov 2013 00:00:00 +0000

Having had my fill of Ginkakuji temple, I headed off down the “Path of Philosophy” towards my next destination. This route is very popular during cherry blossom season, but it’s also very pleasant the rest of the year, with a canal flanked by trees and small businesses, cashing in on the passing trade:

Berries

Wed, 27 Nov 2013 00:00:00 +0000

A man with a plan

Tue, 26 Nov 2013 00:00:00 +0000

Once it had been decided I would return to Kyoto, on my own and with six days to amuse myself, I immediately set about preparing a monster spreadsheet of locations to visit.

I purchased a book titled “Autumn Colours of Kyoto”, which lists forty nine locations recommended for viewing the autumnal displays. Further web searching revealed further candidates, and I eventually had fifty five potential sites to visit. This was an impossible target in the time available; so I started to mark various factors against each site in an attempt to draw up a shortlist. Then I became bored with the project and the list languished until the day I left; so I just printed it and decided I would work things out when I arrived.

Discussions with Ian, the owner of my B&B, added more possible locations and in the end I just gave up. There are more than 2,000 temples and shrines in Kyoto and I had neither the time or desire to visit them all. Instead I chose an area to visit each day and planned to wander around visiting the main sites and then seeing what I stumbled across. The printed spreadsheet stayed in my room and I never looked at it again. So much for my plan.

First day there, and in the absence of any sleep the previous night, I decided to explore the area near my accommodation, and first on the list to visit was Ginkakuji-in temple. Some things were immediately evident. Firstly, the photos in the “Autumn Colours of Kyoto” had obviously been taken under privileged conditions as they showed the various sites free of hordes of tourists; whereas I had to contend with busloads of senior citizens being continuously disgorged onto the path in front of me and blocking my view. Plus, it was evident that the colours of the foliage in the book meant that each photo had been taken at a perfect point in the autumnal season. But 2013 had been very wet, and not cold enough, and the colours were not fully developed during the duration of my stay.

Never mind, I was in Kyoto, I had six days to enjoy the colours that were on display, and I would just have to work around the thousands of Japanese who were doing the same thing.

There are two main types of temples in Japan. The first is a massive wooden construct, such as the Saamon gate at Tokufuji temple:

Now that's what I call service

Tue, 26 Nov 2013 00:00:00 +0000

There I was, sat in the airport, waiting for my flight to Japan. To pass the time I fiddled with my E-M1, changed some settings, and played with the results. It was then that I noticed that the rear dial, used mainly for dialing in some exposure compensation was not working, then it was, the it wasn’t, etc. Eek!

And so it misbehaved throughout the trip. Not the end of the world, but took some serious spinning sometimes to add some compensation, not ideal.

Forest plucker

Mon, 25 Nov 2013 00:00:00 +0000

Roof incursion

Mon, 25 Nov 2013 00:00:00 +0000

Coming to Kyoto

Sun, 24 Nov 2013 00:00:00 +0000

Japan Airlines was my carrier of choice (again) and our five hour flight consisted of an hour or so of taking off, serving drinks and dicking about; with two hours of breakfast and more dicking about before landing. This didn’t leave much time for sleeping, which was irrelevant anyway because I find it hard to sleep sitting upright. So I was ready for breakfast by the time the lights came on and the trolleys were rolling.

As befitting my new vegetarian status, I had pre-ordered a vegetarian meal. In fact, even back in the days when I would consume half a cow if you cooked it properly, I always ordered vegetarian meals. They always looked more interesting than the standard fare and you were served before the other passengers which always pissed them off; and there is little more pleasurable on a long haul flight than pissing off the other passengers without actually having to remove your trousers and sing loudly in a Greek accent.

I awaited my tasty meat-free treat, but it wasn’t forthcoming. Instead the charming Japanese stewardess (in my younger days I fell deeply and sincerely in love with all stewardesses; unless I was flying with KLM) plonked down a tray of gruel with some soggy bacon on top. With my most winning smile I advised her that I had booked a vegetarian meal.

A look of shock and shame passed across her face. Had she had a tantō knife handy, I fear the bacon could have been joined by assorted innards as her shame inevitably required seppuku.

She apologised profusely. With much bowing and professions of guilt, she whipped away the offending tray of entrails and rushed off to find someone more senior to deal with this serious problem. The next level up in the hostess chain arrived, clutching a print-out and a look of doom. More bowing and apologies and an admission they didn’t have me registered as requiring a special meal. What to do? At this point I suspect I could have demanded we divert to the nearest airfield and pick up supplies involving vegetables; but instead I just suggested they remove the bacon and I would eat the gruel underneath.

No, no no! This would not do for our most esteemed passenger sat in row 56 of cattle class, wearing a grubby T-shirt and a jacket with holes in it. Instead they went away for a while and returned with something that had been extracted from Business Class. A tasty congee soup with expensive ingredients, served in a lovely bowl with solid gold cutlery (I exaggerate slightly). My fellow passengers, who had been following developments closely as they sucked on their greasy bacon, looked very pissed off. Result!

But the crew were not done with me yet. The lady in charge of the cabin staff arrived, with an even bigger sheaf of paper and perfect teeth. More apologies for this most appalling lapse in service. She then knelt next to me and together we recorded the details of my return flight so she could ensure that I did not have to consume Business Class hand-me-downs again. I asked her if the Captain was also going to pop down and offer his apologies. Unfortunately she did not take this as a joke and instead explained that he was busy preparing for landing; whilst inside no doubt thinking “pompous old prick”. Whatever, my vegetarian repast was served without incident on the return flight.

Landed in Kyoto on time (of course) and through immigration quickly, although the immigration chappie did seem to take a long time browsing my details. Perhaps this is why I was stopped at customs. Think about it. Old man, scruffy clothes with traces of congee on his moustache and T-shirt, arriving from Thailand for the second time in three months. DRUG MULE!!

The customs man was very charming. “What do you have in your case sir, just clothes?” I nodded, but once he opened it up it was clearly a lie; for hidden inside a sweater were three chocolate covered bananas and a packet of dried tomatoes. CONTRABAND! “And what is in your hand-baggage sir?”

“A camera. Japanese! Very good!”; thus confirming that I wasn’t carrying a Leica and that I was desperately trying to please.

My suitcase was emptied and every cranny examined. The only object of interest he discovered was a pair of long johns which I had purchased in the event of extreme cold. They fell onto the floor. He picked them up and held them up. How we laughed.

Case re-packed using the same haphazard approach that I had employed when first throwing things into it, I went in search of my ride. I had pre-booked a little van to whisk me from Osaka airport directly to my accommodation, tucked away on the outskirts of Kyoto. Cost was 1,200 baht equivalent for the ninety minute trip and, after a wait of ten minutes, just sufficient for me to pick up a coffee, we were on our way. I was the only passenger and I spread out and enjoyed the free wi-fi while my white-gloved driver negotiated the Sunday traffic and eventually dropped me at Juno’s B&B.

Generally speaking, I don’t like people. Give me a hotel where I can nod gruffly at the doorman and then hide away in my room. But staying at a bed and breakfast meant I would be living in someone’s house, I would be partially sharing their home and would inevitably clash with the other guests as we battled for the usage of the only toilet at peak poo times. What was I doing?

Partly it was a matter of cost; a B&B was the fraction of the cost of a hotel. Plus this one was on the outskirts of town which I thought might be more pleasant than living above the central station. Finally, it had glowing reviews. I will summarise my experience by repeating the review I wrote for Trip Advisor:

During my last trip to Kyoto, I stayed at the five star hotel on top of Kyoto station. Juno’s was nothing like that; and all the better for it.

The location is on the edge of the city and I worried that might be a problem, but it wasn’t. There is a bus stop two minutes from Juno which will take you into the centre, or can serve as a starting point for anywhere you want to go. Unlike the city centre, this part of Kyoto (being close to the university) is well served with small, interesting and inexpensive restaurants. Goya was my favourite. Finally, the location is close to many temples and attractions and there are hours of lovely walks to be had in the area.

Juno’s is nothing like an impersonal hotel. It’s an old, comfortable house with three rooms for guests. My room was spacious and a welcome, warm refuge after a day out in the city in the cold! The (shared) toilet is clean and the shower room is huge with an excellent shower.

Breakfasts are substantial and healthy.

But what makes Juno’s special are the owners, Ian and Sybilla. Ian is an endless source of advice and guidance, and Sybilla offers a perspective on Japan and the world which is intriguing; such that I found that one of my breakfasts extended to two and a half hours of chat! Their daughter Juno is charming. By the end of my six day stay I felt like I was staying with friends, and you can’t wish for better than that.

When I left, Sybilla gave me two pages of links to sites that provide a more truthful view of what is going on in the world than mainstream media. My offering in return was three chocolate covered bananas and a packet of dried tomatoes; no way was I going to carry such dangerous cargo back through Thailand customs.

Back to the first day and duly installed in Juno’s; I set off to explore the city…..

Door detail

Sun, 24 Nov 2013 00:00:00 +0000

Koyo!

Sun, 24 Nov 2013 00:00:00 +0000

Final clicks

Fri, 15 Nov 2013 00:00:00 +0000

A quick trip with Nik to a couple of temples near Sattahip (the first of which was featured in yesterday’s post). Kevin was meant to join us but cried off with a pathetic excuse, something about having caught dengue fever. Pleased to see he is now safely home in the UK and trying to convince his wife that some new camera gear would be an excellent cure for the disease.

The main purpose of the trip was just to have some shooting time with the E-M1; having spent more time testing it than just enjoying it. And of course it was a pleasure to shoot with, with controls falling to hand, whizzy focus speed and images looking OK even though Lightroom has not produced a final version for the E-M1. A few snaps below, straight out of the camera with no extra processing; all taken with the 12-40mm lens.

The camera is now packed away in its bag, together with lenses, batteries and charger, ready for the flight to Japan tomorrow night and six days of shooting with hopefully plenty of autumn colours (they seem to be running a little late). My bed and breakfast has wi-fi, so I will be able to post some shots. The temperatures in Kyoto have dropped to a low of 6 degrees and I am not really sure what that feels like any more. Considering the purchase of some thermal underwear before I leave.

Craftsmanship

Wed, 13 Nov 2013 00:00:00 +0000

It’s easy to complain about a lack of craftsmanship in Thailand. Pass any half-cocked building site and you will not see much evidence of artisans in residence. But then you stumble upon places that remind you that there are craftsmen working here; they are just not involved in building your condo which may never be finished and will fall to pieces within a year if it is (allegedly).

We found such a place this afternoon. A tiny temple close to Sattahip with quite exquisite wall carvings. We had been there before but I was playing with my pinhole then; so felt the carvings deserved some proper photos this afternoon.

The wai of death

Wed, 13 Nov 2013 00:00:00 +0000

Out of my brain on the 5-15

Tue, 12 Nov 2013 00:00:00 +0000

0515 is a ridiculous time to get out of bed; but such was necessary this morning in order that we could head out on a reconnaissance trip to a new macro location. There were three Olympus E-M1s in the party (visitor Kevin, neighbour Nik and myself), plus a Fuji XE-1 carried by another Nick who was our guide and subsequent breakfast host. Nick used to lug around a massive Nikon but has now seen the light; so there was not a flappy mirror to be seen anywhere.

After breakfast, Nick gave us a show of some of the shots he has captured recently; all of which made us feel that we might as well just throw away our cameras; but it does show what going out every morning for months on end can achieve.

Not a great outing this morning; the brain refused to get into gear; but the E-M1 was a joy to shoot with. Used auto-focus to acquire first lock, and then clicked the lever to engage manual focus with automatic zoom for fine tuning; such a smooth process.

Not many shots to show for such an early start; but here are a few:

What's better than two Olympus E-M1s?

Tue, 12 Nov 2013 00:00:00 +0000

Three Olympus EM-1s!

We have pretty much cleared out the Big Camera Pattaya stock of E-M1s; but there is still one left, a kit with the 12-40mm, if you want one.

Comments 🔗

2013-11-12 | Bob James says

Not at those prices!

Under a blood red sky

Mon, 11 Nov 2013 00:00:00 +0000

And they call this progress?

Sat, 09 Nov 2013 00:00:00 +0000

Although Panasonic introduced a couple of Micro Four Thirds cameras in 2008, it was the arrival of the Olympus EP1 and Panasonic GF1 in the second half of 2009 which really launched the format, and led to the rise of other mirrorless cameras from the likes of Sony and Fuji.

We were in at the start, and I still have my rather battered GF1 and she who must be obeyed will not let me sell her pristine EP1. And now, four years on, it is enlightening to stick them next to the latest and greatest Micro Four Thirds Camera, the E-M1.

Give us the money

Sat, 09 Nov 2013 00:00:00 +0000

Pattaya was graced with a visit by the Prime Minister this week, taking time off from the urgent task of relieving thousands of people from the consequence of their misdeeds (including, totally coincidentally, her brother) in the name of “reconciliation”. Which is why there are protests on the streets.

Anyway, the PM came among us to review the latest in a long line of marine cock-ups, the Koh Larn ferry sinking. She did the appropriate tour and photo opportunities before sitting down to tell everyone they had to enforce the rules which they had singularly failed to do on this occasion and several other occasions before this latest disaster. One can’t help feeling that, once the PM is back in her car and causing traffic chaos all the way back to Bangkok, nothing much is going to change.

APReview - Exclusive test!! The future of photography or a miniature mess?

Thu, 07 Nov 2013 00:00:00 +0000

Good morning and welcome. It’s a sunny day here in 1896 and George Eastman is launching the latest in his rapidly expanding line of Kodak Cameras, the Kodak Bullseye 2. Needless to say, your favourite magazine, APReview is on hand to bring you the facts on this exciting new device.

It’s only four years since the Boston Camera Company launched a camera of the same name. Mr. Eastman liked that camera so much that he bought the company and has now re-launched the camera under the Kodak brand. And here it is:

Condo life

Thu, 07 Nov 2013 00:00:00 +0000

Dear Raimon Land

Thu, 07 Nov 2013 00:00:00 +0000

Thank you for your latest newsletter. I was most surprised to receive it; as I have been most surprised to receive the last eighteen or so newsletters given that I unsubscribe from your mailing list every time I receive one of your promotional puff pieces.

I know where I went wrong, my mistake was giving you my email address, as detailed here. Your mistake has been to act in a completely non-professional manner by continuing to bombard a completely disinterested, and now completely pissed-off consumer with information about projects in which I have no interest; even if they come with a free iPad Mini and a choice of kitchen furniture in pastel colours. Many companies include an unsubscribe option with their newsletters; but only an unprofessional company would ignore people who unsubscribe.

Over and over again

Mon, 04 Nov 2013 00:00:00 +0000

There has been an increase in hits on this site over the last twenty four hours as people search for information following the sinking of a Koh Larn ferry yesterday with six people killed, an unconfirmed number still missing, and many injured.

The reason Pattaya Days was visited was because I had previously reported on an incident where two such vessels collided, leading to death and injury. Local news reported “Pattaya is coming to terms with a boating accident which will undoubtedly lead to a major overhaul of safety procedures for pleasure boats and speed boats and possible criminal charges against the boat operators involved in the accident.”

Dew drops

Sun, 03 Nov 2013 00:00:00 +0000

Lamp

Sun, 03 Nov 2013 00:00:00 +0000

Many rivers to cross

Sun, 03 Nov 2013 00:00:00 +0000

Three minutes, two girls and some cars

Sun, 03 Nov 2013 00:00:00 +0000

Wall of dogs

Sun, 03 Nov 2013 00:00:00 +0000

Halloween in Pattaya

Fri, 01 Nov 2013 00:00:00 +0000

What's better than an Olympus E-M1 camera?

Wed, 30 Oct 2013 00:00:00 +0000

Two Olympus E-M1 cameras!

The power of Pattaya Days

Mon, 28 Oct 2013 00:00:00 +0000

Had a mail last week from a “creative agency” in New York, enquiring about the acquisition of one my polo shots for some sort of promotion in Argentina. I advised them that I would be happy to sell them the photo provided they provided me with a reference of some sort, because I have more than 30,000 photos in my polo collection on the web; and one horsey shot looks very like another to me (I didn’t actually tell them that).

Pattaya Teddy Bear Museum

Sun, 27 Oct 2013 00:00:00 +0000

It’s a whole month since we went to t he opening day of the Teddy Bear Museum, which wasn’t. She who must be obeyed had taken the opportunity of their 10% pricing offer on that day and secured us a couple of bargain tickets; which meant 25 baht for her and 50 baht for me; because teddies are racists.

The tickets were only valid until the end of this month; so we headed to the museum this morning with real anticipation. My wife was in such a hurry that she nearly obliterated a couple of Russian tourists who dared to hover on the cusp of the road before dashing for the comparative safety of the pavement. I saw the look of naked fear in their eyes as we whizzed past.

“He who hesitates is lost” I observed pithily.

“Is that an English saying”, enquired the harbinger of near death, sawing at the steering wheel.

“Indeed it is, do you know who said it?”

“George Michael?”

Of course I had no idea who said it; so I could only answer: “Correct!”

While I furtively looked up the real author of this particularly banal offering (it was Adam Ant), she who must be obeyed was considering what we might witness in the exciting hours ahead. “It’s a museum, so we will find out about the history of the teddy bear? Who invented them, where the name came from, things like that?'

I assured her that that was the case and read out the Wikipedia definition of “museum” in a voice which was meant to indicate that I was defining this from my own massive intellect and not reading it from the wide wide word of web.

A museum is an institution that cares for (conserves) a collection of artifacts and other objects of scientific, artistic, cultural, or historical importance and makes them available for public viewing through exhibits that may be permanent or temporary.

After a few more tourist near misses, we parked and made our way to the entrance:

Brief delights

Fri, 25 Oct 2013 00:00:00 +0000

A couple of experience recently that didn’t last as long as they normally do; yet I still enjoyed them (no, not that).

First off was Gravity, ninety minutes of entertainment where a cinema ticket normally buys you at least two hours. It’s classed as science fiction, and so it is; but not of the sort that involves aliens or time warps. Instead there is the shuttle and space stations and Sandra Bullock and George Clooney in space suits. Clooney behaves exactly as you might expect Clooney to behave in a space suit (or any suit), and Bullock gives a nuanced performance as a scientist not entirely comfortable with being where she is; and ultimately being extremely uncomfortable with being where she is once all sorts of shit starts happening.

Bring on the darkness

Thu, 24 Oct 2013 00:00:00 +0000

Tracking at the track

Wed, 23 Oct 2013 00:00:00 +0000

Osaka

Mon, 21 Oct 2013 00:00:00 +0000

Our trip to Japan finished with two days in Osaka. This was very clearly earmarked as a shopping opportunity for my wife and I spent much of the time trailing around after her as she sought the wide range of gifts required for friends, colleagues and family.

However, we did spend one morning going to Osaka castle. The castle is protected by a twin moat and some extremely thick stone walls.

Bought myself a new camera!

Thu, 17 Oct 2013 00:00:00 +0000

Pigeons, meet cat.

Thu, 17 Oct 2013 00:00:00 +0000

Warning: camera rant, reader discretion advised.

A year or so ago, I penned a piece heralding the arrival of the Sony RX1. Having previously declared that the future is mirrorless, I reckoned that the RX1 rammed another nail into the flappy mirror encumbered DSLR coffin.

The RX1 was the first mirrorless camera (Leica excluded) to feature a full frame sensor. It also featured a spiffy built-in Zeiss lens and took lovely photos; as you should expect for a camera costing nearly $3,000.

Cats and kaiseki

Mon, 14 Oct 2013 00:00:00 +0000

Out third and last full day in Kyoto and we staggered down to breakfast. Out legs were still aching from the hours of walking and climbing over the previous days and we were exhausted. Although we had a full day ahead of us, it would be interrupted because we were going to spend our last night in Kyoto at a different hotel.

As we relaxed over breakfast, we discussed the various options for the day and places we might go and visit. I felt we should continue to consume as much as the city as possible while we still had time, but had some sympathy for she who must be obeyed when the word “walking” was raised. So in the end we just went to play with some pussies.

My wife had discovered a “cat cafe” on the web and was keen to check it out; partly because she was missing our cats, but also it seemed like an interesting cultural oddity. With accommodation at a premium in Japanese cities, people who want cats are often unable to keep them; so they go to a cat cafe for a cuddle.

This one was hard to find; an anonymous entrance led into a lobby with a lift. Enter the lift and only then did we spot a little paw sticker next to the second floor button. We then had to pay 800 yen for an hour with the cats and some extra if we wanted a drink. I enjoyed just relaxing and watching the proceedings, while she who must be obeyed pursued assorted pussies around the room.

7-14mm - An apology

Sun, 13 Oct 2013 00:00:00 +0000

Was guilty of some bitching in a previous post about the purple flaring of the Panasonic 7-14mm on the E-M5. I was pissed off to the extent that I looked on eBay for an indication of a sale price.

But on reflection, it is still the best current M43 mega-wide lens, producing cracking images at 7mm when the light source is not shining at the lens, like this and this:

Olympus E-M1 reserved

Fri, 11 Oct 2013 00:00:00 +0000

The first batch of body-only E-M1s will arrive in Thailand next week and almost all are reserved. But when I walked into Big Camera today they still had one available; which means I will have a shiny new E-M1 in my hands next week!!

The bad news is that it is not for me. It’s for one of the readers of this august journal who a year ago was a perfectly contented wedding photographer with two big Nikons and enough lenses to trigger a massive excess baggage allowance. But he saw the light and all the Nikon gear has departed, to be replaced by two Olympus E-M5s and a selection of tasty lenses. Naturally he needs an E-M1 as soon as possible but does not want to pay inflated UK prices. Enter the Pattaya Days Micro Four Thirds Gear Acquisition Service™. For a small fee (a beer), the proprietor will obtain the gear of your choice, on the understanding he will sit and drool over it before handing it over in a slightly sticky condition.

Ten courses

Fri, 11 Oct 2013 00:00:00 +0000

End of our second day in Kyoto and we drag our weary bodies into the Gion district. Here you will find hostess clubs, fine restaurants and geisha ladies hurrying down the narrow lanes to their next appointment.

Our target was a teppanyaki restaurant, much recommended in the guides as serving some of the best teppanyaki in Kyoto. I am not a fan, finding teppanyaki to be generally too greasy to be enjoyable, but was prepared to discover an entirely different taste experience in Japan. But the guides had not helped the business because once we arrived at the location we found it had closed down. But in the same street, next to a little canal, there were a number of other restaurants so we checked them out. Most had no sign outside that described what lay within; which probably meant that whatever it was, was prohibitively expensive. But one seemed to offer a set dinner for a set price; so we stepped inside.

We were met in the entrance hall by a lady who wanted to know if we realised that they served raw seafood, did we have any allergies, and did we know that they didn’t accept credit cards. Having answered all the questions correctly and removed our shoes, we were ushered into a room with a long table, with two other customers on one side and five chefs on the other. We took a seat next to the window looking onto the canal and waited to see what would happen.

Over the next hour or so, what happened was ten courses of some of the most exquisite food we had ever tasted; washed down by a generous carafe of sake. With limited English, the chefs did their collective best to explain what was being served and how it should be eaten.. We did our best to just savour the food and the occasion. The bill at the end was close to 4,000 baht equivalent; but it was an unforgettable meal and worth every yen.

The light was dim and it wasn’t really a time to take photos; but here are a few taken mainly at F1.4 and ISO 1600 and a stomach full of sake (in other words, focus is variable).

Give us the money

Thu, 10 Oct 2013 00:00:00 +0000

Incense bearer

Thu, 10 Oct 2013 00:00:00 +0000

Two things that happened yesterday

Thu, 10 Oct 2013 00:00:00 +0000

She who must be obeyed started complaining about her iPhone 4S which has apparently suddenly started acting strangely, although she found it hard to explain exactly what was wrong. But it was enough for her to decide that she needs a new one.
Apple announced that the iPhone 5S will be released in Thailand on the 25th October.

Only the brave would suggest that there is any link between these two events. I am not brave, and in addition I need to handle this strategically because Apple will be announcing a new iPad on the 22nd and my existing iPad 2 is likely to also encounter some severe operational problems around that date which will necessitate a replacement.

An excess of bamboo

Wed, 09 Oct 2013 00:00:00 +0000

After a four hour trek around the shrines of Fushimi Inari, we were ready for a quiet afternoon. But instead we took a train ride out to Arashiyama, an area on the west side of Kyoto. A tropical storm a couple of weeks previously had devastated the area and left many homeless; but the tourist information centre advised that the main sites were open. Sadly, this did not include Tenruji temple, a UNESCO world heritage site which appeared to be in the middle of a major renovation and was surrounded by scaffolding.

The gardens around the temple were beautiful; but not as impressive as they will be in November when I go back to shoot the autumn leaves.

Life of Pi

Wed, 09 Oct 2013 00:00:00 +0000

I purchased my first computer more than thirty years ago. It was one of these:

An Atari 400, primitive by modern standards but exciting in the early 1980s. It had a flap on the front which opened to reveal a socket into which you could drop a cartridge. It might be the “Star Raiders” game, or it could be a Basic language cartridge with which you could write your own programs. This was particularly attractive because the computer featured four joystick ports, and so writing simple games was possible for even an idiot like me.

The other attractive feature for the father of a three year old child was the provision of a touch sensitive keyboard. This meant that The Son could be let loose on the machine with a jam sandwich in one hand and some of the jam from the sandwich in the other; nothing that a wipe with a cloth couldn’t resolve later. It wasn’t too long before he was writing “Hello World” programs of his own; and as we migrated to a more powerful Atari 800 (which I still have in a box somewhere) we even undertook some joint game writing projects which tended to be heavy on the initial graphics screen and not so hot in the gameplay department.

The Son went on to be the coding colossus that he is today, and I didn’t. What happened instead was that Windows came along and access to immediate, easy programming became less evident. So I stopped pretending I could write code and pretended to continue working in an oil company.

There was a brief resurgence about fifteen years ago when Sony released the CLIÉ range of PDAs, and someone else released a basic compiler that would run on them. This was more like the old times! Knock out a bit of code and run it on a handheld device. My major successes was “Bullshit Bingo” which generated a grid of management bullshit words which you then had to listen out for in management meetings and try and get a line of bullshit. I shared this with the Drilling manager and we lifted the boredom of lengthy management team meetings by seeing who could whisper “bingo” first. We later progressed to playing “Bluetooth Battleships”; but this had to stop when I whooped with excitement after sinking his destroyer and not surprisingly aroused the suspicions of the managing director.

The Clie disappeared, and it was not until a year or so ago that I tried programming for the iPhone. After a struggle, I gave up; I just couldn’t get my head around the logic. If only there was something really simple I could play with….

And now there is:

A quick flash of camera porn

Mon, 07 Oct 2013 00:00:00 +0000

I tried my best to keep she who must be obeyed away from shopping malls in Kyoto; using the reasonable argument that she had two days of shopping till dropping when we went to Osaka. But she used the counter-argument that she really needed some better shoes for all the walking around we were doing, and disappeared for an hour into Isetan.

This was my chance to pay a visit to Bic Camera, a massive electronics emporium bolted onto the side of Kyoto station. I was disappointed to find that there was only one floor given over to cameras; but they did seem to offer every camera and lens currently in production.

Station to station

Mon, 07 Oct 2013 00:00:00 +0000

Fushimi Inari shrine

Sun, 06 Oct 2013 00:00:00 +0000

The second full day of our stay in Kyoto, and our legs are pretty knackered from several hours of walking on the previous day. But there is no rest for the wicked tourist and we are up at 0600 (0400 Thai time, our bodies remind us) in order to visit the Fushimi Inari shrine. The guides recommend an early visit to best enjoy the site, and the fact that this is a Sunday morning of a Japanese long weekend supports the idea for an early start.

But tired legs and the appeal of the excellent breakfast buffet do not speed our progress, and it is later than it should have been before we leap on the train. We had been caught the previous day by catching an express train which sped past our intended station, requiring a long return trip once we had finally managed to escape; so I ensured this would not be repeated by asking a fellow Japanese passenger if this train stopped at Inari. Indeed it did, he confirmed; and we settled down for the short journey. After quite a long journey and no Inari station, the ticket checker arrived and advised we had to get off at the next station and catch a slow train back. I was as surprised and disappointed by this news as my fellow passenger, and several other Japanese, who had also thought we were on the correct train. So we all got off at the next step and retraced our steps; and finally arrived at this:

Shit management

Thu, 03 Oct 2013 00:00:00 +0000

The Japanese have always had a reputation for gadget-equipped toilets; but I was surprised just how prevalent they are. From five star hotels to public conveniences, a host of surprises awaited at every bowl.

Here is one example:

The heated seat was a suspiciously pleasing surprise every time I sat down; as was the immediate flushing that took place to ensure I was presented with a clean drop zone. This mini-flush repeated itself every few minutes, to remove any intermediate debris and remind that I had probably spent enough time with my iPad.

An afternoon stroll

Wed, 02 Oct 2013 00:00:00 +0000

After a morning at the market, it was time for another adventure;sold to she who must be obeyed on the basis it had the word “shopping” in the title. The target was Hagashiyama, an area with preserved streets containing assorted shops. It was quite a walk through a park and past a couple of temples before we finally stumbled across it:

Breaking bad and really bad

Tue, 01 Oct 2013 00:00:00 +0000

After several years and many episodes, it was left to the last episode of all to provide us with resolution. Would our hero die or escape to pursue a life elsewhere? What would be the fate of the other characters in this intense drama? How could all the unresolved issues be tied up in the final hour? Would fans of the show feel satisfied with the outcome?

This fan was left completely unsatisfied. In fact I was already losing interest as this final season progressed. Weak storyline, poor acting, dull script; I just wanted it to finish. Thankfully it did that, and ended with one of the worst episodes from a series already noted for bad episodes. A pathetic attempt at pathos and romance, unfulfilled character resolution and an ending so unlikely it was laughable. Utter crap and I am glad the nonsense is finished with.

Morning market

Mon, 30 Sep 2013 00:00:00 +0000

Having decided we would go to Kyoto, she who must be obeyed had only one question; and it wasn’t “how many world heritage sites does it have?” No, there was only question on her mind and it was “do they have any markets?”

I was happy to inform her that there were only two monthly markets, and less pleased to tell her that one of them took place the day after our arrival. And it was within walking distance of our hotel.

Walking distance is relative of course, and we soon were to discover that the Japanese walk a lot and that walking distance on a hot thirty degree plus Saturday morning was something on an undertaking. Anyway, we eventually arrived at Toji Temple where there was an air of calm in some areas:

All that glitters is not gold

Sun, 29 Sep 2013 00:00:00 +0000

Unless it is.

Our flight to Osaka left at just after midnight and touched down some five hours later. Allowing for refreshments after take-off and breakfast before landing; that didn’t leave much time for sleeping; and it was pretty hard to sleep anyway. Consequently we arrived in a zombie-like state and staggered into the train to go to Kyoto. I paid an exorbitant surcharge for an early check-in at the rather splendid Granvia hotel which sits on top of the main Kyoto station and after a quick shower it was time to venture out for food.

This might be an appropriate time to admit that I was somewhat apprehensive about a trip to Japan. Conventional wisdom implied that it was a difficult place to visit due to language problems, from both the unintelligible signage and the limited English skills of the populace. It took me a couple of hours to discover that I had nothing to worry about; navigation is not that tough, and if you are lost the Japanese are very eager to help.

Our search for food took us to a collection of restaurants, most of which had dummy meals in the window with prices affixed. One place seemed to be offering a set lunch for a set price; so we thought we would try that, although there was nothing in English outside that indicated what might be on offer. But once inside, we were offered an English menu and a lady explained in halting English what was available. The food was excellent, especially the contents of a side-dish table which we could raid as often as we wanted. I have no idea what any of the dishes were, but they were all really tasty. Bill paid and arigato all round and then it was off to be a tourist.

We were exhausted, and so decided to visit just a single location which sat conveniently on a bus route. We eventually found the correct bus stand and I went to the machine to buy a ticket. I was there for a while, attempting to stuff a 1,000 yen note into a machine. Eventually, a Japanese man came over and showed me how I had to lift a plastic cover first….

We had not yet armed ourselves with maps and other information; so just sat on the bus and waited for our stop to be announced. When it was, we jumped off; only to find that we were nowhere near where we should be. Totally lost, she who must be obeyed collared a passing schoolboy who had no idea what we wanted, so he collared some other passing schoolkids and we soon had a whole classroom’s worth of students consulting books, maps and each other. Finally they came to a collective decision and pointed to a place on the map which was clearly incorrect. Much bowing and *arigato *all round; and then we took a taxi which was bloody expensive but at least got us there.

“There” was Kinkaku-ji, a gold leaf covered building which was originally built in 1397 and no doubt looked very old and authentic until a novice monk burned it down in 1950. The rebuild was still very pretty in the afternoon sun.

I've got my spine, I've got my orange crush

Sun, 29 Sep 2013 00:00:00 +0000

Smokestack

Sun, 29 Sep 2013 00:00:00 +0000

Not so grand opening

Fri, 27 Sep 2013 00:00:00 +0000

Those who live in the Pattaya area cannot fail to have noticed the imminent arrival of an exciting new tourist attraction, thanks to thousands of these plastered all over town:

A teddy bear museum! A grand opening! Today! Frankly, I found it hard to sleep last night, and it was with barely concealed excitement that I took my equally excited wife down to Beach Road this morning for a surfeit of bears.

Sayonara

Fri, 27 Sep 2013 00:00:00 +0000

Those of an enquiring disposition may have noticed that my postings over the past week have contained more of a Japanese flavour than would normally be found in Pattaya.

After eighteen months of hard work, she who must be obeyed was finally given a week off work by her begrudging employer. I said that I would take her wherever she wanted to go (apart from Europe (especially France), or anywhere where there was currently a state of war), and she said “Japan”.

You know you are back in Pattaya when...

Fri, 27 Sep 2013 00:00:00 +0000

..you feel obliged to take your mother-in-law to a transvestite show where they (badly) mime appalling ballads, as an inappropriate thank you for her looking after your cats while you were away.

Not school uniform

Thu, 26 Sep 2013 00:00:00 +0000

I'm sitting in the railway station

Mon, 23 Sep 2013 00:00:00 +0000

Orange Crush

Sun, 22 Sep 2013 00:00:00 +0000

The writing's on the wall

Sun, 22 Sep 2013 00:00:00 +0000

Kimono my house

Sat, 21 Sep 2013 00:00:00 +0000

Planning the evening

Fri, 20 Sep 2013 00:00:00 +0000

A cultural phenomenon

Wed, 18 Sep 2013 00:00:00 +0000

It has taken five years to develop, with a team of hundreds and a budget of at least $150 million, with another $100 million on top for marketing. That’s a lot of cash, but as the anticipated sales for the first month alone are one billion dollars; it seems like a profitable undertaking.

It has certainly been hotly anticipated. Here is one of many queues of people who were waiting for it to be available at midnight:

Condo manager

Wed, 18 Sep 2013 00:00:00 +0000

Mind blown

Mon, 16 Sep 2013 00:00:00 +0000

I have recently watched the most intense forty five minutes of television (or film) I have ever experienced. It’s more than an hour since I finished watching but my heart rate is still elevated and my mind is racing. It could only be Breaking Bad, and the episode that was aired on Sunday called “Ozymandias”.

There are two episodes left before the series finale; not sure my emotions can take much more.

Paint it black

Mon, 16 Sep 2013 00:00:00 +0000

In spite of the high price, sales were brisk, and Kodak released a number of different models in the next few years.

Meanwhile, over in Boston, the imaginatively named Boston Camera Company produced the Bulls-Eye camera (note to genuinej, blame Boston Camera for leaving out the apostrophe). This was the first camera in the world to use a paper backing on the film, on which was written the exposure numbers; and owners could read off the shot number through a little red window in the back of the camera.

Eastman saw that this was a feature that should be incorporated in all cameras, so he bought the Boston company and in 1896 Kodak announced its own Bulls-Eye camera. The 1896 model had a wooden frame and brass fittings and cost $8. Over the years there were variations on the camera, but the brass fittings were replaced with something that wasn’t brass; and an extremely basic version featuring the extensive use of cardboard was released in 1900 as The Brownie (price:$1), and sold a staggering 150,000 in the first year. Photography as a hobby for everyone (and Ansel Adams) had begun.

You can find the Bulls Eye on eBay, but most have very shabby cases (hardly surprising given the age), some have pieces missing or a non-functioning shutter, many are more recent models without the brass fittings.

A typical eBay offering:

I was lucky to find one that was complete, functioning and with a case that looked dirty and a bit faded in places, but salvageable.

So yesterday I set to work. First some warm water with a drop of detergent, applied with a toothbrush. Did not want to soak the covering so just did enough to remove the worst of the grime; and it was indeed very dirty. Don’t think it had been cleaned in 107 years. Next, with a different toothbrush (she who must be obeyed will never notice), I rubbed in some saddle soap (thank you Peter) which conditioned the leather(ette) and removed more grime. Finally, I rubbed in some black shoe creme to bring back the original colour.

Then I took Brasso to some of the brass bits. At a later time I will remove all the brass and treat and clean it properly; but yesterday’s polish was a start. The pegs supporting the handle were probably originally painted black; but as most of that had rubbed off, I decided to give them a shine.

eBay Bullseye

Fri, 13 Sep 2013 00:00:00 +0000

I can, and do, spend many a happy evening browsing through eBay. My favourite hunting ground is the old cameras section, where all manner of interesting machines can be found. Occasionally I find something that takes my fancy, languishing at a low starting price and with no bids. So I stick in a low bid and go to bed, knowing full well that others will have been all over it while I sleep and knocked the price into sensible territory and beyond.

And so it was last week. A camera of some vintage which seemed to be in remarkable condition for its age and with all parts intact and working, but there were five hours till the end of bidding and no action as yet. I stuck in my futile low bid and retired to bed. Most surprised to wake up the following morning and discover it was mine!

It appears not to have been cleaned since it was new; so I am going to spend some time tidying it up. There is leather and brass and wood to address; but I am hoping the end result will be charming. Once it is finished, I will photograph it extensively; but here is a taster:

I love Doctor Bee

Fri, 13 Sep 2013 00:00:00 +0000

I have previously mentioned my angel of a dentist, “previously” being about two years ago. I did have a very early draft tentative plan to visit her again for a checkup next month; but next month conveniently fails to arrive.

But my upper left gum started to develop some pain. I decided to wait until next week because I was confident that it would go away. After several next weeks went by and it just got worse, I decided I had to pay a visit to the house of pain.

From the sublime to the scary

Wed, 11 Sep 2013 00:00:00 +0000

Another day, another post about a box with a hole in it that takes photographs. This one has some different features to the E-M1:

A fixed five-element F2 lens. Ten frames a second, and then the camera will analyse and present you with what it consider to be the best shot. A flash system that analyses the scene and then uses two flash lights to deliver a calculated colour temperature flash to match the scene. 1080P HD video at 30fps (same as E-M1) 120fps slow-motion video in 720p. 28 megapixel panoramas. Image processing and full social media integration built-in.

Morning visitor

Wed, 11 Sep 2013 00:00:00 +0000

Found this rather bedraggled specimen on the balcony this morning; perhaps reminding me that I need to go on another macro hunt now that the rains have arrived.

From the ridiculous to the sublime

Tue, 10 Sep 2013 00:00:00 +0000

Another day, another post about a box with a hole in it that takes photographs. This one has a few additional features over the pinhole camera I featured yesterday:

Photo: Ming Thein

It’s the Olympus E-M1, previously substantially leaked, finally released today.

Cue outrage from various web pundits, complaining that it is too big (these are the same people who complained that the E-M5 was too small). But stick the optional grip on the E-M5 (as I do), and the E-M1 is slightly wider but a little bit lower.

Zero Image Pinhole Camera

Mon, 09 Sep 2013 00:00:00 +0000

A long time ago (about 2,500 years) in a land far away (China) a man by the name of Mo-Ti observed that light passing through a small hole projected an image on a surface. And that was the start of photography.

Guilty pleasure

Sun, 08 Sep 2013 00:00:00 +0000

A diet based on fresh fruit and veggies is all very well; but sometimes you just NEED a rhubarb crumble:

Becoming self-sufficient

Sat, 07 Sep 2013 00:00:00 +0000

It’s all very well consuming vast quantities of fruit and vegetables; but this costs money and you have no idea how many chemicals have been chucked over or fed to your food before it is finally rinsed down and displayed for sale. How much better it would be if we could grow our own produce. Maybe one day, when we have a house and a bit of land, we will do just that; but for now we are limited to what can be produced on our condo balcony.

It’s not an ideal location. It doesn’t get much sun; but it does get more than enough salt-soaked wind to batter and discourage anything that might be attempting to grow.

As an experiment, I purchased a packet of tomato seeds and stuck a few in a pot. Some stuck their heads above the ground, so I picked the most perky and have been lavishing it with love and care (and water) for the past couple of months.

Craig, who knows about these things, reckons I will never get any tomatoes from it; but it has finally produced some flowers.

Time for coffee

Sat, 07 Sep 2013 00:00:00 +0000

Those crazy Sony people

Fri, 06 Sep 2013 00:00:00 +0000

It’s almost a year since I said nice things about Sony and their willingness to innovate in the camera industry. It’s time to praise them again, although I am not sure that their current idea is going to fly.

The most popular cameras in the world are now those set within phones. They are popular because they are convenient, not because they are particularly good cameras. But if you want to stick a photo of your lunch on Facebook, you don’t need a Leica. In fact you probably don’t need a Leica for anything, but that’s another argument.

Input error

Thu, 05 Sep 2013 00:00:00 +0000

Just returned from a day trip to she who must be obeyed’s home town of Ubon Ratchathani where she was required to go and sign some papers for a bank loan to buy a house. As this required rising at 0400 to catch the early morning flight, I rather hoped I could stay at home “to keep the cats company”; but it was decided by management that I better come along in case I also had to sign something. She had a point; there are many stories of foreign husbands having to sign a waiver when their wife acquires property which states “this is nothing to do with me and it’s not my money and I promise I won’t start whinging about it in some point in the future on the Thai Visa forum”. This is actually the case with this transaction; it’s just another acquisition for she who must be obeyed’s rapidly expanding property portfolio and nothing to do with me. My money is allocated for more fruitful investments (cameras, IT gear etc). After she had completed the transaction, I pointed out that she now has the full set of a house, a condo and some land and that all she has left to buy is a boat. I caught a small glimmer of acquisitive excitement and had to explain it was just a joke.

Cry 'havoc' and let slip the dogs of war!

Tue, 03 Sep 2013 00:00:00 +0000

I believe I have previously declared my love for the Total War games. Deeply strategic, turn-based gameplay, with real time battles on an epic scale when diplomacy is no longer an option.

It’s thirteen years since Shogun Total War arrived on my PC and absorbed too many of my days and nights. Next was Medieval Total War which did not impress me as much as Shogun. But then came Rome Total War and that soon became one of my favourite games of all times. I still have memories of some of my campaigns around the shores of the Mediterranean (yes, I am pathetic). “Empire” and “Napoleon” followed; but I wasn’t really hooked again until the original game was revisited and along came Shogun Total War 2.

Give us each day our daily bread

Mon, 02 Sep 2013 00:00:00 +0000

Stuffed with pistachios and assorted dried fruits.

Wide open spaces

Sat, 31 Aug 2013 00:00:00 +0000

Sorry, been busy.

And some of my attention has been directed towards my Apple Cinema Display which has continued to sulk on an occasional basis. I finally took it back to the Apple store in Chonburi where it obliged by failing to work for them too; so it is now in their hands and they will hopefully fix it for not a lot of cash and I will then immediately sell it; because there is now something bigger in my life.

When I bought my Apple display several years ago, the only real quality alternative was something from HP; at an even higher price and almost impossible to find. There were some attractive models from Dell, but Dell didn’t sell monitors in Thailand at that time. Now they do, and I spent many hours researching the options. Eventually I decided on the Dell U2713HM.

It’s a 27" monitor, bigger than my current display but the same size as the latest Apple displays. Put next to my Apple,and the first thing you notice (apart from the size increase) is that the Dell is less glossy.

The Apple glossy screen looks great for movies in a perfectly lit room; but otherwise the reflections can be a nightmare. My crappy Samsung has a matte finish; but it is like looking through grit. The Dell has an anti-glare coating that avoids the worst of the reflections while still being good to look at.

The next useful improvement is that the height of the Dell can be adjusted, unlike the Apple. I wear bi-focals, so I like to have the monitor well below my eye-line; now I can. It can also be positioned high if that is your thing.

Not something I would need, but you can even set it in portrait mode.

The Apple display offers a Mini Display Port connector; and that’s it. The Dell has a wide range of connection options.

This means that I could connect my Xbox to the display and enjoy Grand Theft Auto 5 on it in a few weeks time. There’s a thought.

The size of thing is somewhat daunting initially; it’s a load of real estate for the eyes to cover. Many web pages (Pattaya Days is an example), look rather lost in the 2560x1440 resolution. But it is perfect for Lightroom, with a nice big image in the middle and plenty of space for menus on the sides. This is just as well, because my previous two monitor approach would no longer fit on my computer table. Now there is only room for the single monitor, which pleases the cat because there is space for her to lie down and help me with everything.

Perhaps most important of all, how is the screen quality? Damn fine is the answer.

You receive some immediate comfort when you open the box to find a calibration report produced in the Dell lab for your monitor. If you are of a mind you can perform further hardware calibration; but as I am not sure what this would mean I haven’t investigated further. Software calibration via a Spyder or similar is still advised.

The panel is an ips type. same as the Apple, which means you can view it from almost any angle and the colours and brightness remain consistent.

The monitor offers 98% sRGB coverage which is ideal for someone playing with photos which will mainly be viewed on a screen. This is the same colour gamut as the Apple monitors. If you need a wider gamut, Dell will sell you one for a good deal more cash; but it can present all sorts of colour problems if you then want to to work in sRGB; so the 2713HM was OK for me. Colours look wonderful, text is crisp, and the lighting of the screen appears uniform. And far less glare than my Apple.

I tested it out by playing Far Cry 3 at maximum resolution and very very good it looked too. No sign of ghosting, and the big screen makes for very immersive experience. Movies look great; although HD is being scaled up so you can see some degradation. Apparently 720P can look better than full HD because the scaling involved is more straightforward; haven’t bothered to check that out.

Best of all is the price. The Apple 27" Cinema Display would cost me 33,900 baht. The Dell was 18,900 baht That’s a lot of monitor for not much money. I bought mine from InvadeIT in Hua Hin who offer free shipping and excellent service.

Right, off to play Sim City on the big screen.

Work in progress

Sat, 31 Aug 2013 00:00:00 +0000

Inker

Mon, 26 Aug 2013 00:00:00 +0000

Mutilate me

Mon, 26 Aug 2013 00:00:00 +0000

Inked

Sun, 25 Aug 2013 00:00:00 +0000

Olympus EM-1

Mon, 19 Aug 2013 00:00:00 +0000

Five years before Micro Four Thirds came along in 2008, there was the Four Thirds system. Spearheaded by Olympus, Four Thirds was Micro Four Thirds with a mirror box, a smaller-sized DSLR.

The system was never a huge success, the mirror box did not allow Olympus to take advantage of the smaller sensor and make a diminutive body; but that didn’t stop Olympus releasing fifteen bodies over a seven year period, culminating in the E-5 which can still be found for sale today; if you look hard enough.

Made to look like a fool

Fri, 16 Aug 2013 00:00:00 +0000

Today we took a trip to Central Chonburi in order to address the problem of my dead monitor. There is a shop there that has access to a little man that fixes Apple gear for a reasonable price. Sadly, the shop was gone; so instead we went to the iStudio outlet which actually had a service counter. I handed over my monitor and they said they would have a look.

The curse of Nik

Thu, 15 Aug 2013 00:00:00 +0000

My neighbour Nik has a way with technology, and it is not a good way. Almost everything he owns tends to expire in a shower of sparks or cloud of smoke, long before you would normally expect to see sparks or clouds.

His latest disaster is his Olympus EM-5 which has a hole in the sensor, or so he reckons. I reckon it is just a big dust spot which needs a professional clean, but it could end up being a hole given the way he keeps jabbing at it with assorted implements; most of which should not be seen within a centimetre of a sensor.

Three signs that I have become pathetically domesticated

Thu, 15 Aug 2013 00:00:00 +0000

Number 1.

This:

What’s worse, this is only one of four cookbooks that I picked up on a recent trip to Bangkok. My move to vegetarianism has automatically eliminated many of the restaurants that I previously favoured with my custom. As a result, I am reduced to a much smaller selection of outlets, and a more limited selection of suitable dishes at those outlets. The alternative is to prepare something at home. Juicing and salads are all very well for a while; but I felt the need for some variety; hence the cookbooks.

Home stretch

Tue, 13 Aug 2013 00:00:00 +0000

It’s more than five years since Breaking Bad first hit the screen in the USA. It was a couple of years later that I discovered it and, after catching up on the backlog, I have been a fervent fan ever since. Unlike many series, Breaking Bad has a storyline which demands an ending, and we are getting close.

The final season is split into two eight episode segments, and the final segment kicked off on Sunday with an episode absolutely soaked in drama. The last seven episodes are going to be quite a ride.

Diminished check-up

Sun, 11 Aug 2013 00:00:00 +0000

It was she who must be obeyed’s birthday last week. It’s good when she adds another year, makes the age difference between us seem less significant.

In keeping with our agreement that we would not buy each other birthday presents, I had not planned any purchase; but it seemed wise to ask her if there is anything that she wanted. She declared that she wanted a full medical check-up at Bumrungrad hospital in Bangkok. She is constantly convinced that she has a range of dire diseases, so a health check-up is an occasional event that proves, for a day or so, that there is little wrong with her. Anyway, as she was going to be off work for two days at the time of her birthday, a trip to Bangkok was doable; so I prepared to book a hotel. Then she decided she would just go to a local hospital. Then she decided that she would just go to the nearby clinic which was excellent news because it is cheap and convenient; and the best birthday presents are cheap and convenient (unless it is my birthday).

Voluptuous viral

Sun, 11 Aug 2013 00:00:00 +0000

Thailand’s obsession with social media means that anything remotely popular in Thailand can garner a huge number of hits.

The video below is an example, more than six million views on YouTube; exactly the result that Wacoal were hoping for.

If you haven’t seen it; I suggest you keep your emotions in check until the end.

Bed and breakfast for the less endowed

Sat, 10 Aug 2013 00:00:00 +0000

Pole pose

Sat, 10 Aug 2013 00:00:00 +0000

Conditional management approval

Mon, 05 Aug 2013 00:00:00 +0000

An early start (for me) as I act as chauffeur to she who must be obeyed who has some business at Chonburi City Hall, an hour’s drive from home; or two hours plus if she was driving and “navigating” on her own.

On the way I tell her about the rather excellent macro photographer in Singapore and suggest I would like to attend one of his future workshops. She is most enthusiastic about the idea, mainly because she has an imaginary list of expensive items I could buy for her while I am there.

It's another scan, man

Sun, 04 Aug 2013 00:00:00 +0000

My Betterscanning negative holder arrived and today was the first chance to have a play with it. The main improvement is that it comes with some special glass which sits on top of your negative and makes sure it is flat; a huge problem before with my large, curly medium format negatives. It also offers height adjustment and I spent an hour or so scanning the same image with different height settings on the holder, before deciding that an increase in height of 0.2mm was the best; but the improvement is very small.

I also played around some more with the Vuescan software and was able to produce a much more contrasty image. Then I found an option that allowed the software to pick the grey point based on non-existent colours in the black and white negative; but the different choices did make a difference and I decided that making grey from perceived blue made my subject stand out the best.

More improvements no doubt to come, but here is the latest scan of my test negative:

Death of a friend

Sat, 03 Aug 2013 00:00:00 +0000

My very first post on Pattaya Days paid homage to my coffee machine; and rightly so. It had been making us a daily cup of coffee for more than five years, and it continued to do so until about three months ago when I changed my diet.

Starting the day with a large glass of water and then accompanying breakfast with a freshly made juice, broke the coffee spell and I suddenly no longer wanted to my morning shot of caffeine. And although I have had the occasional cup of coffee while out and about, my lovely coffee machine has sat idle. Time to sell it.

Conquering curves

Thu, 01 Aug 2013 00:00:00 +0000

In preparation for the sale of my rather splendid model of the 1966 Le Man winning Ford GT40, I decided to take some photos of the little beast.

Cue an hour or so of frustration as every speck of dust, most invisible to the naked eye, show up in the photographs; and I found it impossible to eliminate all the blown out highlights from the light sources. More time with a tiny brush will be required, plus the construction of a white plastic enclosure to thoroughly diffuse the light. Still, this interim shot will do for now.

Need a checklist

Tue, 30 Jul 2013 00:00:00 +0000

With a macro shoot planned for this morning, I spent some time yesterday evening preparing my gear for the outing.

Camera with macro lens affixed - check. Spare battery, fully charged - check. Tripod - check. Remote release - check. Mosquito spray - check. Boots - check.

With everything in order and placed by the door for a speedy exit, I retired to bed; ready for an 0630 start.

Arrived on location this morning with Ian from PattayaDaze and picked up my camera. It was at this point that I realised that I had forgotten to check that the memory card was inserted, and it wasn’t.

I spent a joyless hour or so trailing around after Ian, spotting bugs for him, like this one:

Looked good when photographed with a macro lens, but not with an iPhone…

Bloody stupid, I need a proper checklist for the next trip; but then I will probably lose it or forget about it.

As a very small compensation, I dragged home an interesting looking flower, introduced my memory card to my camera again, and took a shot of it. Not enough compensation for getting out of bed at 0630.

Panasonic GX7

Tue, 30 Jul 2013 00:00:00 +0000

Until recently, the best Micro Four Thirds body has been the Olympus E-M5. Great IQ, built-in viewfinder, stabilisation, a complete package of wonderfulness. Now there is the Olympus EP-5, which has upgraded specifications compared to the E-M5; but no built-in viewfinder. If you pay for the optional stick-on viewfinder, you will end up paying more than an E-M5; but then you get the better specs (including a better viewfinder). It’s a lovely piece of kit (I have had a hold and the construction is so solid); but it is hard to fathom why Olympus has dropped two very similar models into the same price area. Presumably the current E-M5 is about to head downwards in price, or be discontinued, and/or there will be a higher grade and therefore more expensive OMD range offering later in the year.

Dick disguise

Sun, 28 Jul 2013 00:00:00 +0000

For the love of Danny

Sun, 28 Jul 2013 00:00:00 +0000

I’ve been a fan of Danny Boyle since Shallow Grave, and what a career he has had since then. Trainspotting, Slumdog Millionaire, 28 Days Later and 127 hours which had a plot that would seemingly guarantee a miserable viewing experience. Instead, like all his films, it was an effervescent riot of colour, camera angles and music; much more joy than you could reasonably expect from a ninety minute story about a man who gets his arm trapped by a boulder and ends up hacking it off with a blunt knife.

Life is a RollerCoaster

Sun, 28 Jul 2013 00:00:00 +0000

There are very few computer games which I would want to play over an extended period of years. I either become sick of the gameplay, or something similar comes along with much slicker graphics which is more enjoyable.

One game which achieved legendary status and years of enjoyment in the Spike household was RollerCoaster Tycoon. Originally released in 1999, the game was hugely popular and was extended with some add-on packs before being upgraded as RollerCoaster Tycoon 2, and eventually as (no surprise) RollerCoaster Tycoon 3 (RT3) some ten years ago.

Snappers

Sun, 28 Jul 2013 00:00:00 +0000

No snow

Mon, 22 Jul 2013 00:00:00 +0000

Fresh from my processing disaster, I developed another film last night. This was my usual Kodak T-Max 100 ISO, taken from the Yashica 12 which I used to duplicate the shots from the Yashica 635 (I am still in evaluation mode). The film is still bowed in the scanner, so sharpness is not of the best; but pleasing enough to my eye.

Crane

Sun, 21 Jul 2013 00:00:00 +0000

In the background, the reality of your dream home, before they slap a covering over it.

Sandal scandal

Sun, 21 Jul 2013 00:00:00 +0000

She who must be obeyed is always on the lookout for ways to improve my sartorial elegance. Personally I would mark myself a full ten (out of a hundred), but she is not so impressed.

Some time ago she decided my scruffy flip-flops could be improved by the acquisition of a pair of Birkenstock sandals, and she told me so.

You need a pair of Birkenstock sandals.

Why?

Because your current sandals are cheap rubbish that are falling to pieces.

Statue in a snow storm

Sun, 21 Jul 2013 00:00:00 +0000

My adventures in film photography are progressing slowly, although yesterday they took a step backwards. Ran a film through my newly acquired Yahsica 635, but the result after processing was not pretty. Nothing wrong with the camera, it seemed to be exposing and focusing correctly; but the negatives indicated that I was shooting in a snow storm rather than on a sunny afternoon.

It could be something in the way I processed it, although I have a consistent approach now that seems to work. More likely a result of the rather obscure film I picked up in Bangkok just to stick in the camera; either the film had some problems or the way I processed it was wrong. Either way, twelve crap shots, but at least a confirmation that the camera focuses OK and some nice swirly bokeh is possible; if you could see it through the blizzard.

Still, with Instagram and the myriad special effects built into cameras nowadays, I will pretend I meant to do this and merely switched on the “snow globe” effect on the back of the camera:

Three legged thing, with extra things

Sun, 21 Jul 2013 00:00:00 +0000

You will no doubt not recall a recent post where I recounted the sorry tale of my broken tripod and my poetic efforts to stir the tripod company into action.

In summary, I needed a rubber letter “T”, a bolt and two washers to make my Three Legged Thing tripod whole again. My magnificent poem had failed to elicit a response, and a follow-up mail had also got me nowhere and I was close to taking Kevin up on his offer to call them up and give them a good talking to. Fortunately for them, they were spared the wrath of Kevin by announcing that bits were in the post and that “no donkeys or tramp steamers were involved in the logistical chain”.

Smoke on the water

Fri, 19 Jul 2013 00:00:00 +0000

Neigbour Nik and I much admire a long exposure photo of a sunset, looking out to sea over some rocks and with a pier conveniently posed in the distance, taken by a Thai photographer and posted on the wide wide world of web. Nik assured me the location was near the ferry to Koh Samet; so I took my wife for a little outing in that direction today.

To cut short the unbearable suspense, we didn’t find the view or the pier or anything like it, and the weather was blustery and cloudy and promised nothing in the way of a red sunset; so all in all we failed. Or at least I did, she who must be obeyed was just there for the trip and a scavenge in any market we might pass along the way.

Still, a fair way south of our original target and we did find some interesting rocks; so I slapped on the ten stop filter and used the Olympus Live Time to knock off a few shots.

Touch and shoot

Thu, 18 Jul 2013 00:00:00 +0000

I take my expanding stock of Yashica TLRs out for a bijou shootette this afternoon and bring the Olympus along as well in case there is something worth pointing a macro lens at. I use up three rolls of film, which means I am in for an evening of tension, sweating, swearing and frustration as I try and get the fuckers to load into a processing tank. I also find a small flower with some even smaller flies buzzing around.

I spend several minutes trying to move the focus point around the Olympus screen to line up with the ever-moving flies; without success. Then I remember a feature of the E-M5 whereby I can touch the screen and the camera will focus on that point and take a shot. So I do that and am rewarded with several in-focus images, of which this is my favourite:

Treasure Trove

Tue, 16 Jul 2013 00:00:00 +0000

A trip to Bangkok where she who must be obeyed has a meeting, leaving me to fend for myself for the day. I think maybe yet another wander around Chinatown with a camera; but it would also be good to check out some of the second-hand camera shops which are rumoured to be found there; although I have never found them.

So a quick visit is made to Mr. Google and I discover that there is actually such a shop in the heart of Sukhumvit, close to Ploenchit station. Even better, the name is SiamTLR, and with my current interest in Yashica TLRs, maybe there is a way I can spend my wife’s expenses for the day.

It's a scan, man

Sat, 13 Jul 2013 00:00:00 +0000

A couple of hours this afternoon in the company of my scanner and Vuescan software; and at the end of the session I had a much better idea of how it all worked. Sadly, my test negative would not sit flat in the holder, with the inevitable lack of crispness; but that will be resolved once I have the custom holder which is already on its way to me.

Even so, the end result looked not too bad.

Domestic God

Fri, 12 Jul 2013 00:00:00 +0000

I don’t wish this site to become anything like the blog of the many domestic goddesses out in the wide wide world of web who proffer household tips to the less talented from the cosy corner of their spotless kitchens (bitches). So my rather crap recipe for brown balls of a couple of days ago should be enough from me on this sort of subject for a while. But as I have maybe encouraged one or two of you to buy a Hurom juicer; you may like to know how to clean it.

Two legged, no longer a thing

Fri, 12 Jul 2013 00:00:00 +0000

There is a company in the UK, based in a chicken shed, that sells tripods. The company is called Three Legged Thing, or 3LT, and has a very British sense of humour; which is one of the reasons I bought one of their tripods. Every model is named after a rock guitarist and mine is called Brian. If you don’t know who Brian is, then we might be the champions but you certainly are not.

Anyway, Brian has provided good service for a year or so, and then a piece fell off his leg. I found the piece, but not the special bolt that held it in place. Then the plate that attaches to the camera, which uses"3LT" in rubber as a cushion, suddenly lost the “T”.

Time for repairs, so I removed another leg to identify the bolt and washers that I had lost, and sent a photo to 3LT and asked for spares.

Spike's brown balls

Wed, 10 Jul 2013 00:00:00 +0000

You say cocoa, I say cacao; who gives a shit?

Much on-line bandwidth is wasted on debating the difference; or whether there is any difference at all apart from the spelling. Health food fanatics will tell you that what you need are raw cacao beans, before they have been heated and sweetened and turned into cocoa and chocolate. So I bought some.

If you want to know what cacao tastes like, you can buy 99% cacao chocolate bars; but I don’t recommend it because it’s an acquired taste. Instead, buy a 75% cacao bar, then an 85% cacao bar; before finally tentatively trying out a 99% version. Personally I am still extensively testing the 75% bars; but I still have that bag of beans sat in my fridge.

So today I did a bit of searching and discovered some recipes that use cacao beans as a basis. First job was to turn the beans into powder; not an easy job. I tried stuffing them into the coffee grinder but they were too big; so I used a blender to break them up a bit. The blender was none to happy with that task. Then I put them into the coffee grinder which promptly jammed up, because the beans contain sticky fat specifically evolved to congeal in a coffee bean grinder. Finally, after much digging around, I produced a sticky powder; just don’t ask me to grind any coffee beans in the near future.

The other ingredient in the recipe was dates which I was meant to mix with the cacao powder; so the whole lot went back into the blender which enjoyed the combination even less than the cacao beans on their own. Eventually I extracted a brown mess from the blender, which I was then meant to form into balls and sprinkle with cocoa powder; but the recipe did mention that I could add a little alcohol if I wanted. I wanted, so I threw in a couple of measures of Cointreau before forming the balls.

And here was the end result:

Dedication required

Tue, 09 Jul 2013 00:00:00 +0000

Prepared to transfer the film I took yesterday to the developing tank before heading off to bed last night. Chilled room, minimised sweat and other precautions taken; but the result was a disaster and after four attempts everything was a sweaty mess again; I have much to learn.

As a last resort, I tried a different type of reel that had just arrived in the post. It’s stainless steel and it has an entirely different loading mechanism with which I had practised twice. Film loaded with barely a hitch, so that was good.

This morning I developed it and hung it up to dry; noting a few crinkles and finger marks resulting from my failed attempts. Still, some of the shots looked OK; but the negatives had a curl on them when they were dry; so impossible to get a sharp scan. With all those provisos, plus the fact I am still struggling with the scanning software and that it was overcast and damp when I took this; here is one image from the film:

Analogue outing

Mon, 08 Jul 2013 00:00:00 +0000

A return trip to the Ancient City, this time with Ian from Pattayadaze as a passenger. The day did not look very promising, with heavy rain all the way there; but it dried up as we arrived and we had the pleasure of cool weather and a watery sun all afternoon.

Ian found the place to his liking and was leaping from one attraction to the next, taking what he reckoned was a personal record in photos captured in one afternoon. I took a more gentlemanly, leisurely approach and managed to expend a whole roll of film in my Yashica (12 shots), plus half a roll with my Kiev.

You are what you eat

Sun, 07 Jul 2013 00:00:00 +0000

It’s been nearly three months since I discovered juicing, which in turn led me to massive googling sessions on the issues of nutrition, which in turn made me realise that not only have I been eating very badly, but that my food intake was most likely responsible for my lack of energy and buggered immune system which allowed me to catch man flu whenever I became even a little damp or chilled.

Three months on, I feel fantastic. I wake up every morning with a real enthusiasm for the day ahead (slightly dampened if the day ahead involves housework). I feel fit, even though I don’t exercise more than I did (and I know this is something I must address next). Oh, and I have lost ten percent of my bodyweight.

Those who know me would not describe me as fat, but there had been a little bit more tummy than I would like for some time. I peaked at around 84 kilos when I was working, which was very uncomfortable around the waist. After retirement I settled at around 78-80kg and have been that way for years, only dreaming of the far off days when I used to be slimmer of waist and 75kg. After a couple of months of my new way of eating I thought I should check my weight: 71kg!

Cue amazement all round, and she who must be obeyed was off into the recesses of a cupboard where she extracted a pair of jeans she had bought for me a couple of years ago which looked great but were impossible to fit around my stomach due to being a 32 inch waist rather than my usual rather snug 34 inch. Tried them on again and they were a comfortable fit.

So in two months I lost 8KG (and my weight continues to hover around 71KG). And that is 8KG of fat, because my home improvements and other tasks have kept me as least as active as usual; amazing (and disgusting if you imagine what 8KG of fat must look like).

All this is not the result of a special diet; it’s the result of a better way of eating which is really simple to describe: Minimise crap food, maximise healthy food.

Crap food includes processed, sugary junk. Healthy food is fresh, preferably raw, vegetables and fruit. Vegetables and fruit used to be less than 10% of my intake; now they are more than 90%. It has been that easy to change my life.

The day starts with water. Your body has been dehydrating while you sleep. What it doesn’t need is a full English breakfast and a cup of coffee, what is needs is water. I drink a half litre glass of water into which I have squeezed a quarter of a lemon. The lemon helps put your body in an alkaline state, plus it makes for a really refreshing way to start the day. Once you start drinking water in the morning, you realise that that is what your body needs more than food to get it started. That’s a Spike hot tip, try it.

Now for breakfast. My breakfast was always reasonably healthy: muesli and yoghurt, sometimes with a passing banana. But commercial muesli can be laden with processed sugar, so I bought a bag of oats and added in some sliced walnuts and a few dried cranberries. Tastes great and less than half the cost of buying a packet of muesli. The cost declined further when I started using home-made yoghurt. I also add a few frozen blueberries. Blueberries are stuffed with things that are good for you, and even though I can’t afford to buy other than frozen, they are a healthy and tasty addition to breakfast.

Along with or after breakfast I have a fruit juice, or I eat a load of fruit. I know that it is recommended to eat fruit and juice veggies; but it is hard to describe just how good some juices can be. The drink in the photo below contained the juice of three oranges and four passion fruit, blended with two bananas to make a smoothie. Half a litre of heaven.

A pussy indicates progress

Sat, 06 Jul 2013 00:00:00 +0000

Things have not been going so well on the film front.

The problems has been with transferring films to the developing tank in order that I can shower them with assorted chemicals and turn them into negatives. This step requires removing the film from its spool to the developing tank spool; a process that has to be carried out in complete darkness. To theoretically facilitate this I have a changing bag, a black bag into which I put all the components and then sit in a darkened room and place my hands through elasticated holes in the bag and do the changeover. Except usually I don’t.

Sitting with a practice film in the open air, I can move it onto the spool with no problems. But once it has to happen inside the bag, I often end up with a sticky mess. I have lost two 35mm films and two 120 films this way and was on the verge of abandoning the analogue enterprise. But then I discovered that the problem was sweat.

To maximise the dark environment, I would carry out this procedure in a small bathroom with no window. It’s rather hot in there so I am a bit sweaty before I even start. Then put my slightly sweaty hands into a thick, small, black bag and the sweat just amplifies. Get sweat on the edges of the film and it will put sweat on the nylon runners of the developing spool, which makes the nylon sticky, and the whole thing quickly disintegrates in to damp pool of frustration as the film refuses to wind on cleanly. Cue anger, more sweat and a ripping open of the black bag and cries of “fuck this for a game of soldiers”.

My latest disaster was only a couple of days ago. Having carefully put a film through my Yahsica to check the accuracy of the built-in meter and the accuracy of the focusing now that I have changed out the lens, with the settings for every shot neatly recorded on a piece of paper, I had then managed to totally destroy the film during a ten minute sweat and rage session in the bathroom. Time for a re-think.

Much googling and I discovered the problem with too much sweat. After that the answer was obvious, I needed to be cooler. So instead of the toilet I chose the smallest bedroom. Turned on the aircon at dusk and by the time it was dark outside the room was chilled. It was of course still lighter in there than in the bathroom; but I reckoned that didn’t matter given I was using a changing bag. I sat on a comfortable chair rather than on the floor, and cool, calm me transferred the film onto the developing spool with only one restart being required and only a small amount of sweat being generated.

Developed the film and it seems like the in-camera metering is OK, and the focus checks seemed to indicate sharp enough images wide open. Having taken my test shot, I finished off the roll with a couple of photos of a cat.

Grow your own way*

Thu, 04 Jul 2013 00:00:00 +0000

We make an occasional stop in certain shopping malls so that she who must be obeyed can knock back a shot of wheatgrass juice. Apparently it is good for health, and so it should be for the price they charge. With the arrival of our juicer, the suggestion was made again that we should grow our own. So I did. (When she who must be obeyed suggests “we” do something, that usually means that “I” do it, unless it involves shopping or eating).

Wheatgrass is not that difficult to grow. There are three stages: soak, sprout, plant. I bought a bag of organic seeds and poured a measure of two cups into a jar filled with water and left them overnight to soak. The next day I put them in a strainer and gave them a good rinse, and repeated the rinsing a couple of times a day for two days, by which time they were sprouting. Then I chucked them into a growing tray on top of some soil, covered them, and watered them twice a day. Two more days and they were growing nicely, so I removed the cover and let them grow in the open air for a few more days until they started to split, a sign they were ready for harvesting.

Harvesting was done with a pair of nail scissors and I had to cut a lot of grass just to make two shots of juice.

The terrors of transposition

Wed, 03 Jul 2013 00:00:00 +0000

In the good old days, I banked with HSBC in both Jersey and Thailand, and transferring funds from the UK to Thailand was as easy as logging onto my UK internet banking and pushing some funds towards Thailand. Invariably the money would be in my account here the next day, and with no charge.

When HSBC closed down their personal banking in Thailand, I moved to Bangkok Bank whose services have generally been satisfactory; but transfers from the UK are not as smooth as they used to be. Firstly, HSBC now charges me for the transfer. I expect Bangkok Bank also charge me; but all I see is a sum in my account, converted into baht at a secret rate, and it arrives usually about four days after I send it.

Farewell, my lovely

Tue, 02 Jul 2013 00:00:00 +0000

Something of a significant milestone in my camera owning life. For the first time in many, many years I have nothing in my cupboard made by Canon.

Of most significance is the departure of this:

I think they have been breeding

Tue, 02 Jul 2013 00:00:00 +0000

With my storage cabinets emptied of Canon equipment, it seemed appropriate to check what was left. In addition, Leica owning Claus asked if I had a photo of all my Micro Four Thirds gear, and I didn’t.

But now I have:

Tiny dancer

Tue, 02 Jul 2013 00:00:00 +0000

How to remove the rear lens on a Yashica TLR

Sun, 30 Jun 2013 00:00:00 +0000

A rather specific post title, sufficient to immediately lose the interest of my regular readers, but maybe this is something that might be useful to other Yashica owners so I will offer up the heading to Google in the hope it might be used one day.

This morning saw us at a large pharmacy outlet where I offered the sales assistant my choice for the day, a hemostat and a pair of surgical rubber gloves. A rather unusual combination, and I couldn’t resist indulging in my favourite hobby of embarrassing my wife by announcing, in a loud voice, “all we need now are some restraints, a gag and a butt plug, then we will be all set. I just hope she hasn’t escaped from the cupboard while we are away”. I have no idea why she doesn’t see the funny side of such pronouncements.

Candy Crush Wank

Sat, 29 Jun 2013 00:00:00 +0000

I remember the old days, when men were men, women were women, and computer games were designed with skill and imagination and could captivate you with intellectual challenges for weeks.

They still make games like that, but they are becoming increasingly rare; because the big money is in games featuring in-game purchases. And to create such a game you don’t need to craft something with complex, balanced game-play. In fact, you need to create the opposite; something that is so unbalanced that the player is drawn in, but has no chance of making significant, speedy progress without purchasing additional items that facilitate progress in the game whilst simultaneous emptying the wallet.

Location scouts

Fri, 28 Jun 2013 00:00:00 +0000

With our previous macro shooting grounds laid low by machinery, Mr. Pattaydaze and myself sought pastures new this morning. This involved jumping through muddy puddles in my truck which I thoroughly enjoyed, although I think I really must wash it soon because visibility is down to not a lot.

Anyway, we found some very promising undergrowth which turned out to be not such a good hunting ground as it first appeared; maybe it will be better if we go after some rainfall. Anyway, here are a few shots:

Leica time

Thu, 27 Jun 2013 00:00:00 +0000

An afternoon meeting with Claus to check out his latest acquisition, a Leica M 240. He had been shooting with an M8 for some time and had recently upgraded, so I was eager to have a play.

A Leica really is like no other camera on the planet and you have to hold one, use one, to appreciate it. It’s an impressive block of solid engineering. If it was a car it would be a Porsche. The feel of it, the heft of it, the smoothness of the controls, the sound of the shutter; it’s all rather special. Which of course it bloody should be given the price.

Claus has seven Leica lenses, three of which are along for the ride on his latest trip; and they live together in a very smart leather bag.

On a knife edge

Thu, 27 Jun 2013 00:00:00 +0000

Who's looking at what?

Thu, 27 Jun 2013 00:00:00 +0000

A new flame has come

Wed, 26 Jun 2013 00:00:00 +0000

You may recall that neighbour Nik had acquired an ancient Bolex cine camera.

And... we're back!

Wed, 26 Jun 2013 00:00:00 +0000

Cue trumpets and extended sighs.

Well, that was a long break. Did you miss me as much as I missed you? “Not at all” would probably sum it up for both us. But at least I have an excuse, I have been too busy to waste my time on human emotions.

The culprit was a wooden floor, twenty seven square metres of rotting ruined planking which had never recovered from being the unwitting recipient of a burst-pipe induced flood a few years ago. It had to go, and it had to be replaced by tiles, and nobody was interested in taking on the job.

Husk

Wed, 26 Jun 2013 00:00:00 +0000

Jeanette was a dancer

Sat, 15 Jun 2013 00:00:00 +0000

Been a crazy week. More details, you do not want, to follow. Meantime:

Lightroom 5 - Public Service Announcement

Mon, 10 Jun 2013 00:00:00 +0000

Those who care about these things may like to know that Lightroom 5 is now available. The price in the USA for the upgrade is $79, the price in the Adobe South East Asia store is 2,363 baht, which is pretty much the identical price; a pleasant change after some of Adobe’s previous pricing strategies outside of the States.

Anyway, I have handed them my credit card details and the software is currently downloading. Hopefully my existing catalogues will convert without a problem (assuming they need conversion).

More dressing up

Mon, 10 Jun 2013 00:00:00 +0000

The Assassin

Sun, 09 Jun 2013 00:00:00 +0000

Happy monkey, sad monkey

Thu, 06 Jun 2013 00:00:00 +0000

One of the attractions of the park is a dawn view where you look over surrounding mountains surrounded by mist. Opinions probably differ whether this is worth getting up at 0445 to experience; my opinion was that it wasn’t; but we did anyway. While the rest of the gang tucked into pork congee soup, I stuck to my vegetarian credentials thanks to yoghurt, muesli and blueberries that I had carefully transported from home; what a star.

Then it was into the back of a truck for the long drive to the top of the park, and a chance to discover just how many bugs are up and about and committing suicide against your face in the pre-dawn light.

The view from the top was not as misty as it should have been and we were left to wander around with a vague feeling of disappointment; lifted slightly by the arrival of a troop of monkeys that swung through the trees with considerable crashing and general exuberance; pausing only briefly to check us out.

Waiting for the birds

Wed, 05 Jun 2013 00:00:00 +0000

As well as photographing butterflies, we had intentions of capturing loads of other macro subjects; but a quick inspection of nearby trails indicated that there was not much on offer. And anyway, it was hard to tear ourselves away from the butterflies.

On the way back to camp our guide asked us if we would like to photograph a couple of birds. Yes we would.

The first was a conveniently placed nest just off the road, where an egg was getting warmth from both a male and female of the species whose name I was told but immediately forgot. They would take it in turns to sit on the egg and I was instructed how to tell the difference between the male and the female; but I immediately forgot.

Although the location was convenient, it was very dark; not helped by an approaching storm. So I was forced to use ISO 6400. Given that, I was quite pleased how well the shots turned out.

A kaleidoscope of Butterflies

Tue, 04 Jun 2013 00:00:00 +0000

Kaeng Krachan National Park is a popular spot for bird photography, and clumps of patient men with long lenses can be found hanging out in the undergrowth in the hope of a passing tweet.

The view from on high

Sun, 02 Jun 2013 00:00:00 +0000

Most of the butterfly shots that I took on our recent trip were with the Olympus 60mm macro. However, I did take along the Panasonic 100-300mm; just in case there were any birds to snap (there were). When I saw this butterfly perched high up in the bushes, I used the long lens and got this:

Tiger feet

Sun, 02 Jun 2013 00:00:00 +0000

The original plan was for a photo trip to Kaeng Krachan National Park with neighbour Nik. A couple of days of hardcore insect hunting, free from distractions.

Then she who must be obeyed discovered she had a three day holiday and decided she wanted to come. Then Nik’s girlfriend decided she wanted to come too, and that she had a friend living nearby that she and Nik could visit after the park.

The upshot was two cars, four people, and a nagging concern that the ladies would find a day stuck in a national park to be a bore (which turned out to be unfounded, they had a great time).

So off to Kaeng Krachan National Park with my wife, and all goes well until we turn off the Bangkok bypass and head south down the coast on the opposite side of the Gulf. The traffic slows to a stop; which always seems to be the time when she who must be obeyed decides she needs to pee.

I need a pee.

We are in the outside lane of a three lane jam, with a further two lanes, also jammed, in the adjoining road. So that is five lanes to battle through before we have a hope of getting to a petrol station.

I need a pee.

Sigh.

So I forced my way through the traffic until finally we made it to the roadside lane, and then finally made it to a garage where she who must be obeyed left the car in a hurry making squeaking noises.

Back on the road and nobody is going anywhere, thanks to roadworks in the left two lanes. It is some time before we regain anything that could be regarded as flowing traffic.

We passed the salt fields where flooded salt water is allowed to dry and then the salt is extracted. A much relieved she who must be obeyed was in a pensive mood.

I have a good idea for a photograph. Take a model and cover her in salt, and then take her photo.

Yes, the would look unusual.

(Thinks for a while) Then afterwards you could deep fry her and eat her!

My wife’s brain works in mysterious ways sometimes.

Of course, thoughts about food, however strange, led to the inevitable “I need a pee, and food”; so we stopped for lunch.

Reached the park late afternoon and were pleased to discover that our resort was just a kilometre from the park gates. Rather than check-in, we decided to check out the park. Entry was 200 baht for a farang and 30 baht for a Thai; but as I can actually see the point of double charging in these places, I happily paid up and we made out way up the hill into the park.

After a few kilometres we came across a couple of ponds with butterflies along the edge doing their mud-puddling thing. In our previous macro outings we have been lucky to see a single butterfly, but here were hundreds sitting on the ground and sucking up the mud.

Jaws

Sat, 01 Jun 2013 00:00:00 +0000

Butterfly overload

Fri, 31 May 2013 00:00:00 +0000

A day of driving to get to Kaeng Krachan National Park. A day of driving to come home again (just arrived). In between, a day spent in the park itself in the company of more butterflies than I have ever seen in one place. Some of them were photographed, here is one:

Get off my cloud

Tue, 28 May 2013 00:00:00 +0000

Adobe; if ever there was a company deserving of a love/hate relationship with photographers….

We love Adobe for Lightroom. It is elegant, powerful and compact; the perfect companion for managing and processing photographs. For what you get, and you get a lot, it’s competitively priced and I could not function photographically without it.

We hate Adobe for Photoshop. We appreciate that Photoshop is an industry standard for graphics; but we like to use just little bits of it for doing things that we just can’t manage in Lightroom. To use Photoshop we need to spend many months working through endless tutorials to get a grasp of what we might want to use to process our photos. By the time we have finished the last tutorial, we have forgotten the first one; and so must spend the rest of our life re-learning the product (although I will concede not everyone is as dumb as me). Oh, and Photoshop is a big fat application that hogs your disk drive.

May be useless

Sun, 26 May 2013 00:00:00 +0000

Regular readers (if any remain) may have noticed a sharp drop in output this month. Maybe it’s something to do with May, last year saw a similar drop in activity in the fifth month.

Blog posts require time, motivation and subject matter. From yesterday’s post it seems evident that subject matter is not really a problem, I am even prepared to write about sticking coffee up my bum. But I have to be in the mood to do some writing, or take some photos, and that motivation has deserted me a little the last few weeks. The other issue has been time.

You put what? Up where?

Sat, 25 May 2013 00:00:00 +0000

One of the casualties of my new diet has been coffee. I wasn’t planning to stop drinking it; I just lost the desire for it after a few days of juicing. I still may have an occasional latte when out and about; but the daily morning brew has gone and my gorgeous coffee machine will be going up for sale. But fate decreed I had not seen the last of coffee….

Snow Leopard

Fri, 24 May 2013 00:00:00 +0000

No, not a Mac operating system, this:

A Flickr of excitement

Tue, 21 May 2013 00:00:00 +0000

I have been using Flickr for five years and I like it. I have a Pro account which means I have unlimited uploads and storage, and no advertisements. For this I pay $24.95 and consider it money well spent.

Today Yahoo, the owner of Flickr, announced a new arrangement which kicks Pro account holders in the balls by eliminating their accounts once their current subscription has expired. Instead, they are offering a free account (good) with advertisements (bad) and a storage limit of 1TB (bad, although probably irrelevant to most).

Facebook frustrations

Sun, 19 May 2013 00:00:00 +0000

Facebook is an excellent medium for discovering the lunch menu of people you worked with twenty years ago. It’s also quite good for cat photos. But there are many frustrations to avoid or overcome. Here are some of them:

The trite quotation.

I can’t begin to describe how much this motivates me. Here’s another life-changing thought:

Checking out the sunset

Sat, 18 May 2013 00:00:00 +0000

Khon Kaen Stand Up and Chicken's Arse

Fri, 17 May 2013 00:00:00 +0000

During one of my regular trawls around YouTube, I was presented with the the option of viewing a video from “Learn Thai With Mod”, which apparently would teach me some “new cool Thai word and slang.”

My knowledge of Thai remains hopeless, so here was a chance to impress she who must be obeyed with a new phrase, one which I could proudly use out of context for a couple of days before forgetting it completely, just like all the other phrases I have forgotten.

Fruit and Veggie

Tue, 14 May 2013 00:00:00 +0000

Had you glanced at the contents of my shopping basket a couple of months ago, it would have been an uninspiring sight. At least one bar of chocolate, some biscuits, assorted snacks and just maybe a couple of apples; the latter destined to be ignored and later discarded. The only purpose of the contents was to amuse my mouth in between meals of processed food of dubious nutritional value.

In comparison, this is what I brought home from the shops this morning:

Live Time

Tue, 14 May 2013 00:00:00 +0000

On of the features of the E-M5 I had not played with is called Live Time.

Live Time is designed for long exposure shots when you are not entirely sure how long an exposure you need. But set the shutter onto Live Time and press the button to start exposing the shot and the rear screen will update and show you how the shot is looking as the exposure progresses. Once you have the look you want, press the shutter again to finish the exposure.

Here’s an Olympus example of Live Time in action:

For my first attempt I found some waves splashing on some rocks at sunset, set the F stop to F16 to maximise the exposure, and then started Live Time. This one was 3.3 seconds:

A better way to spend Saturday

Mon, 13 May 2013 00:00:00 +0000

Received an email on Sunday from The Son titled “What did you do on Saturday?” with the accompanying text:

“I spent 8 hours taking pictures of models.

I win.”

As I had spent Saturday with a mop and vacuum cleaner, I had to concede defeat.

He attached some tasty photos, which he has kindly allowed me to share.

The event was arranged by the photography club of his employer (my employer never had a photography club), and members rolled up weighed down by assorted DSLRs; apart from The Son and his friend who had their Micro Four Thirds gear. All the below were taken with a Panasonic GX1 with either the Panasonic 20mm lens or Olympus 45mm lens, proof once again that you don’t need a DSLR to take great photos. More important is an artistic flair (inherited from his mother) for the creative use of light.

Table turned

Sun, 12 May 2013 00:00:00 +0000

A long time ago (four years), in a land far away (my smallest bedroom), there came a table of magnitude (3 metres) which was designed as being a piece of elegant furniture but was delivered looking like something from a farmyard.

Pigeon and patterns

Sun, 05 May 2013 00:00:00 +0000

Unplanned kitty

Sun, 05 May 2013 00:00:00 +0000

In support of my improved eating regime, I decided I needed a suitable container for juice consumption on the go. So it was off to the local mall to check out the collection of Sigg waterbottles. There was not a wide choice, but I settled for something with a treatment that could be described as “well-used green”. Good enough for me.

Almost a movie title

Sat, 04 May 2013 00:00:00 +0000

Needed one more dog.

Got a little carried away

Sat, 04 May 2013 00:00:00 +0000

Playing with HDR Efex Pro 2. Completely unrealistic outcome, but it is a fun tool to play with. This one was an amalgamation of five shots:

Shooting lines

Fri, 03 May 2013 00:00:00 +0000

Cactus flower

Tue, 30 Apr 2013 00:00:00 +0000

There's a storm coming Mr. Wayne

Tue, 30 Apr 2013 00:00:00 +0000

On the board again

Mon, 29 Apr 2013 00:00:00 +0000

Regular readers may have noticed that I have not mentioned “windsurfing” for a while; or maybe they haven’t because nobody really gives a shit. But I have noticed it because it has become apparent to me that I have not been windsurfing since early January.

Truth be told, I have been going through something of a bad patch. I have been feeling listless, lacking energy and not in the mood for doing very much at all; certainly not in the frame of mind to drag myself down to the windsurfing club. A shame, because there has been some good wind.

Drifting, cows and worldwide pinhole day

Sun, 28 Apr 2013 00:00:00 +0000

A little trip out today with three lenses and three separate targets in mind.

First two objectives were at the same location, the curious amalgamation of drift racing and a livestock show at the Chaiyapruk stadium. The drift racing seemed to be 95% shouting commentator and 5% drifting, so I took a couple of shots and gave up.

Colourful kingdom

Sat, 27 Apr 2013 00:00:00 +0000

A dangerous journey

Thu, 25 Apr 2013 00:00:00 +0000

Every day, boats of dubious safety, piloted by skippers of dubious ability, make the trip from Pattaya to Koh Larn. Accidents are inevitable.

I last reported on one where two people were killed. Firm action was promised; none was taken.

There have been several incidents since then, such as the sinking of a boat transporting nineteen Korean tourists. Fortunately nobody was drowned, and Pattaya People reported:

“Police and city hall officials went to investigate the cause of the accident, saying that if the boat had been checked on a regular basis this would never have happened. As boating accidents happen with alarming frequency in Pattaya Bay, investigators want to insure all rental boats are properly maintained by their owners”;

Drum

Tue, 23 Apr 2013 00:00:00 +0000

Where the streets have no name

Tue, 23 Apr 2013 00:00:00 +0000

Whatever your view of Google, it must have taken some serious managerial balls to decide to stick cameras on top of cars and send them out to photograph, well, everywhere. Today they announced that they have snapped more than five million miles of road in fifty countries, and have released their biggest ever update to Google Street View which includes, wait for it, Pattaya!

So now you can cruise around Pattaya without having to come here. And you can take trips around the surrounding countryside, the extent of the coverage is very impressive. Here is a familiar view if you recall the original Pattaya Days layout, taken down a nameless track road out in the countryside:

Buggering around with breakfast bacteria

Mon, 22 Apr 2013 00:00:00 +0000

For as long as I can remember, my breakfast has been a glorious amalgamation of muesli and yoghurt, with a banana thrown in the mix should one be available.

This is an excellent breakfast because it is quick and easy to make, you only need to ensure you have a stock of two items, and you can convince yourself it is good for you; or at least not as bad for you as a “full English”. It is also an excellent breakfast for me, because really enjoy it, even after at least fifteen years of routine consumption.

During that time, my choice of muesli has fluctuated, mainly driven by availability. My current choice is Alpen, the “no added sugar” variety; although I am sure there is still plenty of sugar hidden in there somewhere. For a long while my yoghurt choice was driven by whatever I could find in 7-11. But then I found Yolida yoghurt, which proclaimed itself to contain “live active lactic acid bacteria culture”. It’s a bit more expensive than the 7-11 varieties, but tastes much better; and I’m worth it.

But then I stumbled across a forum discussion about making yoghurt at home, a process which required a “live” yoghurt; which I just happened to have in my fridge.

Which is why she who must be obeyed came home last night and discovered me with a bubbling pan of milk and a thermometer.

What are you doing? Making yoghurt! Why? Because it will save me some money. How much money? Oh, maybe as much as 100 baht a week…. Is it worth it? (as she surveyed the well-distributed mess in the kitchen) Well, there is the joy of creating your own food, and…

But it was too late, she was off to the shower, shaking her head at her deranged husband.

So I carried on stirring my two litres of full-cream milk that I had put in a saucepan and was heating to 85 degrees (hence the thermometre). This apparently breaks down the milk and makes it easier to turn into yoghurt.

Once it had been simmering at 85 degrees for a while, I plunged the saucepan into cold water to bring down the temperature to 45 degrees. At this point I transferred the milk to one of those cheap plastic cool drink containers and stirred in a small pot of yoghurt.

Then comes the making yoghurt phase, which requires the mixture to be kept cosy and warm for about ten hours. You can buy a yoghurt maker for this purpose, but a kitchen in Thailand is pretty warm; so just wrapping the container in a couple of towels and leaving overnight is meant to do the trick.

This morning I ripped off the towels with a flourish and inspected the contents of the container; before tipping the resulting putrid mess down the sink.

Or at least that is what she who must be obeyed predicted. But amazingly the contents of the container looked like yoghurt and smelled like yoghurt, so I concluded it was yoghurt and stuck it in some small containers and into the fridge to cool.

Seeking the triple violation

Mon, 22 Apr 2013 00:00:00 +0000

Well, that’s Songkran over for another year, collective sighs of relief all round.

This year there was a change in the rules, with the Ministry of the Interior banning the carrying of water containers and the splashing of water from pick-up trucks. Given that 90% of the gridlock in previous years was caused by pick-ups laden with barrels of water and people to chuck it; it was hard to see how people would manage their mobile festivities.

A load of Bolex

Fri, 19 Apr 2013 00:00:00 +0000

Faces of Pattaya Songkran

Fri, 19 Apr 2013 00:00:00 +0000

Ocean 1 - Could be a slight delay

Fri, 19 Apr 2013 00:00:00 +0000

It’s more than seven years since the mega-tower that will be Ocean 1 was announced. Construction was then meant to start in August 2006 with completion by December 2009. Unfortunately, construction start-up was slightly delayed, to the extent that it hasn’t quite started yet. Even so, I am sure many investors remain optimistic that their dream condominium will be completed one day.

I have charted the progress, or lack of, on this site via a number of posts (just stick “Ocean 1” in the search box). Sadly, the official Ocean 1 website has been less forthcoming, the latest news item was several years old and announced the arrival of a concrete batching plant for the construction of the condo, (which in the event was used to supply concrete to other developments before being dismantled and taken away).

So it is probably not a surprise that they have failed to announce the latest development, which appears to be some form of court order banning usage or sale of the land. This notice was fixed to the wall next to the entrance of the site; and then a day or so later it had been ripped down:

Lightroom 5 preview

Tue, 16 Apr 2013 00:00:00 +0000

The current release of Lightroom is version 4. Adobe’s approach to new releases is to make them available to users so we can play with them; and then fix the bugs and tweak the product based on feedback. Hence the release of Lightroom 5 Beta yesterday.

It sits separately from LR4 on your computer and conversion of existing catalogues is currently disabled, so there is no chance of screwing up your existing set-up. Just import some photos and have a fiddle. So I did, and here are some of the upgrades I particularly like:

Non-circular healing Previous versions of LR have a healing brush which was designed to remove spots. This was fine for spots on the sensor and other circular objects you wanted to remove, but useless for other shapes. You either had to make multiple circular adjustments or head off to Photoshop to use the Clone Stamp or similar.

In LR5, all you have to do is paint over the area you want to “heal”; ideal for telephone lines! In this example I want to remove the greenery top left.

In search of the small

Mon, 15 Apr 2013 00:00:00 +0000

There have been no macro shots for a while, because our usual macro location was laid bare by large machines for no apparent reason; wiping out all insect and plant life. We have searched some other potential spots; but the dry weather and heat, combined with uninspiring locations, has meant that my macro lens has not been pointed at an insect for a while.

This morning Nick and I were out at the ridiculously early time, for me, of 0700 to check out another possible target; a large lily-filled lake with surrounding brush. We found no insects, and discovered that wellies would be a prerequisite for a proper investigation. So we gave up and headed for a coffee at a cafe that turned out to be shut for Songkran; double disaster.

On the far side of the lake there were some attractive bushes, inhabited by a large bird. I just happened to have my 100-300mm lens with me, so snapped this and stuck it through Silver Efex Pro for what I hoped might be a Chinese porcelain decoration effect, but probably isn’t:

Juiced

Sun, 14 Apr 2013 00:00:00 +0000

I live in a country where fresh fruit and vegetables are available in abundance, but I am painfully aware that I consume very little. With she who must be obeyed working, I tend to eat alone at Thai restaurant chains, or roadside restaurants; where the food is tasty enough, but mainly sugary, processed crap with a smattering of vegetables. As for fruit, I occasionally purchase some, although it seems I only do this for the subsequent enjoyment of watching it rot in the bowl. Time for an apple? Too late, it’s mush.

I know that the lack of decent food is not good for me; if nothing else it probably explains why my immune system gives up the ghost and presents me with man flu whenever I get even slightly damp. Longer term, who knows what collection of delightful afflictions await me if I don’t sort out my diet.

Now, I have. When I called together the contents of my fridge for a photoshoot this morning, I was shocked at the abundance of good food contained therein; a stark contrast to the usual half consumed chocolate bar and the tube of super-glue which normally rattle around the vacant space:

Sawadee Songkran

Fri, 12 Apr 2013 00:00:00 +0000

We get weird

Wed, 10 Apr 2013 00:00:00 +0000

First fiddle

Tue, 09 Apr 2013 00:00:00 +0000

Having recommended the Nik plug-in suite to my valiant readers, I felt obliged to buy it myself; or at least that is how I explained the expenditure to she who must be obeyed.

What I really wanted to get my hands on was Silver Efex Pro, the black & white converter; but I started by offering a photo of a Bangkok noodle seller to Color (sic) Efex Pro.

Here’s the original photo:

A shot in the dark

Mon, 08 Apr 2013 00:00:00 +0000

You will no doubt be delighted to know that this last weekend saw the final tournament of the polo season; less delighted to know that I have a load of photos to process so there is still a risk I could drop some on here for your delight; or otherwise.

Due to circumstances entirely beyond my control, Saturday’s games started late and finished in almost total darkness. Complete idiot that I am, I kept on shooting. Normally I use 1/640th second for head-on shots, 1/400th or 1/320th for sideways panning shots; and I will sometimes go down to 1/200th for some extra-blurry loveliness, although the failure rate is fairly high. A 300mm lens does not really enjoy being used at such low speeds on a moving target.

But as the time headed towards 1830 and dusk arrived, I had little choice but to drop the shutter speed even further. At 18:28 I was forced to use 1/60th second and a high ISO. Most shots were a mess; but the occasional one worked quite well.

A tragic loss

Mon, 08 Apr 2013 00:00:00 +0000

I am of course referring to the slice of orange I dropped on the floor this afternoon.

And in other news, Baroness Thatcher has died. It’s hard for me to express how upset I am about this news, although “not very” might serve as a summary. Still, no doubt the debate will rage between the “best prime minister ever” brigade and those who would prefer to have seen her shot several decades ago, and that will be worth observing from a distance.

Hopeful of a sale

Mon, 08 Apr 2013 00:00:00 +0000

Parp and toot

Fri, 05 Apr 2013 00:00:00 +0000

As you will no doubt not have known, the 2nd of April marked the Thailand International Marching Band Festival. Apart from a few posters around town, there was no publicity; and the poster provided the date but not the location or the time. Some rooting around with Google provided a timetable, and sticking my wife on the phone to City Hall provided the location, Beach Road.

Most (maybe all) of the bands came from schools, and most of the schools were from Thailand, although Malaysia and Indonesia were represented. I played trumpet in a school band and we were bloody terrible, partially but not entirely because I couldn’t actually play the trumpet. But this lot were excellent. Every band played well and marched well; I was much more impressed than I expected to be.

Difficult to photograph with spectators lining the streets; the bands are approaching from a distance and then suddenly right next to you. So I took the GX1 and E-M5 and used the 7-14mm, 25mm and 75mm (most of my favourites came from the 75mm), swapping between cameras as the band came nearer.

Speedy ladies

Wed, 03 Apr 2013 00:00:00 +0000

Stolen glances

Wed, 03 Apr 2013 00:00:00 +0000

Hats and flags

Tue, 02 Apr 2013 00:00:00 +0000

Out on Beach Road this afternoon to take some photos of a marching band festival, and good fun it was too. Have a few shots to play with and will share later; but one in particular stood out.

Ship of fools

Tue, 02 Apr 2013 00:00:00 +0000

Well, that’s April 1st out of the way. Somewhat disappointed that my post was not met with howls of outrage and derision, how could I sell up all my gear for for a German toy etc. etc. But you lot are far too smart to fall for such nonsense. Unlike the idiots on Thai Visa.

The forums on Thai visa seem to be mainly populated by grumpy, Thai-hating, sad arseholes who wait by their keyboards in order to pour scorn and vitriol over every post that pops up. Although there is some useful information available, and some helpful people, it is mainly a depressing place to visit.

My final camera

Mon, 01 Apr 2013 00:00:00 +0000

As always, it was Nick’s fault. A day trip to Bangkok found us inevitably wandering into AV Camera, a warren of photographic wonderfulness. I wasn’t after anything, but Nick needed a filter; so I spent my time browsing the store, admiring the permanent collection of classic cameras, mainly Leica. Then I stumbled upon a nearly new Leica M-E, the latest rangefinder from Leica, at a slightly less than new price. The owner of the store, Khun Mana, asked if I would like to have a play with it. Of course I would!

Fully loaded

Sun, 31 Mar 2013 00:00:00 +0000

I was asked to take some photos at a charity event which included a fashion show where children of the attendees would dress up and strut the catwalk. Totally ignoring Kevin’s advice to “never work with kids or animals, even more so kids who behave like animals”, I agreed to go along.

First thing was to prepare the camera. I reckoned most of the shots would be taken in portrait orientation mode, so I decided to bolt on the second part of the Olympus grip which includes a shutter button and associated dials for portrait orientation shooting; and as it also included space for a second battery, I stuck that in too. Finally, I screwed on a flash and the Summilux 25mm. It certainly looked the part:

Lottery ticket sellers

Sat, 30 Mar 2013 00:00:00 +0000

Yum yum!

Fri, 29 Mar 2013 00:00:00 +0000

Bit of a bargain

Wed, 27 Mar 2013 00:00:00 +0000

One of the pleasures of digital photography can be playing with the images once you have them on the computer, or it can be a pain the arse. Most of the time, my photos are subject to a few minutes of abuse in Lightroom before being spat out for display on the wide wide world of web. This is either because they are wonderful to start with; or because I have very little creativity, eyes incapable of discerning between more than three colours, and a fundamentally lazy disposition. I suspect it is the latter.

Corner shop

Wed, 27 Mar 2013 00:00:00 +0000

Pergola protrusion

Wed, 27 Mar 2013 00:00:00 +0000

Lit by the setting sun.

I'll tell you what I want, what I really really want

Tue, 26 Mar 2013 00:00:00 +0000

This:

Thao Maha Brahma

Mon, 25 Mar 2013 00:00:00 +0000

Go anywhere near Gaysorn Plaza, Chitlom or Central World in Bangkok and you will likely pass Thao Maha Brahma, known to us as the Erawan Shrine.

The Dumb Terminals - A Pattaya Days Five Year Anniversary Exclusive Report

Sun, 24 Mar 2013 00:00:00 +0000

They arose from the ashes of the hair-centric warbling of the nineteen eighties and early nineties, a revolutionary rock band with post-punk sensibilities and a lust for ~~groupies~~ life. They ascended to super-stardom quickly, shone brightly for a short while, before fading quickly into obscurity; leaving those who had seen them perform thinking “thank god that’s over”. The Dumb Terminals, a melancholy milestone on the road of rock and roll. This is their story.

Hubs

Sat, 23 Mar 2013 00:00:00 +0000

More than once a day

Sat, 23 Mar 2013 00:00:00 +0000

Sunday Quiz

What is five years old today? What has 1,894 posts, an average of more than one a day? What has more 8,000 comments? What has had more than 400,000 views?

Answer: This

Happy birthday to this. Didn’t really expect it to go on so long, didn’t expect to have quite so many visitors, didn’t expect that any of the visitors would have anything to comment. All very surprising. Thanks to all those who have got involved, apart from those who have threatened to kill and/or sue me. You know who you are and may karma visit you in the night and stick a bat up your nightshirt™.

Back to Bukruk

Fri, 22 Mar 2013 00:00:00 +0000

To fiddle or not to fiddle

Fri, 22 Mar 2013 00:00:00 +0000

Stumbling down a back alley in Siam Square yesterday and I came across this:

City space

Thu, 21 Mar 2013 00:00:00 +0000

Shopping maze

Thu, 21 Mar 2013 00:00:00 +0000

A change of scene

Tue, 19 Mar 2013 00:00:00 +0000

She who must be obeyed has a two day seminar in Bangkok. While she is learning nothing of importance and eating snacks, I intend wandering the streets of the big mango with camera in hand in search of something to shoot. Will be good to get away from Pattaya and I look forward to inflicting photos upon you when we return.

The fifth birthday of Pattaya Days will soon be upon us (well, upon me anyway), and I intend marking the occasion with a searing exposé on one of the great unknown rock groups of the last century, the Dumb Terminals. It’s a shocking story of a lust for fame, socks down the trousers and an appalling lack of musicianship. Stick around, you won’t want to miss it.

Bonus meal

Tue, 19 Mar 2013 00:00:00 +0000

First evening in Bangkok and she who must be obeyed offered to treat me to a meal at the restaurant of my choice to celebrate her recent annual bonus which had turned out to be more than she expected.

I chose Zuma, and we had one of the best (and most expensive) meals we have ever had. Great Japanese fusion food and a fine bottle of wine, a lovely evening. Thank you wife, please work hard and do it again next year.

Knocked out a few photos and here they are, straight off the iPad. ISO from 1000 to 4000.

Horsemeat lasagne? We can do better than that.

Tue, 19 Mar 2013 00:00:00 +0000

Not to be outdone by the UK shock horror news regarding the abundance of horse meat to be found in assorted meat products; Thailand has hit back with its own little scandal.

A housewife in Buri Ram bought some sausages from a local vendor and took them home to cook for her family. They were tucking into the third sausage when they discovered bits which were undoubtedly originally kitten.

Suitably shocked at having their dinner interrupted, they made vomiting noises for a while before doing what any sensible Thai household would do; they built a little shrine and placed whatever was left of the cooked kitty upon it. Much praying ensued, and for reasons that are not made clear, the number 42 (which as we all know is the answer to life, the universe and everything) popped up as a lottery number and duly delivered a winning result.

Street drummer

Tue, 19 Mar 2013 00:00:00 +0000

How to break a polo stick

Sun, 17 Mar 2013 00:00:00 +0000

Reading Reacher

Sun, 17 Mar 2013 00:00:00 +0000

Spent yesterday processing polo photos, and when I was done I turned to my media collection for some light relief. One of my recent downloads was a movie called “Jack Reacher”, starring the diminutive man with a weird belief system, Tom Cruise.

Watched the first couple of minutes and it looked interesting, but it was a bad copy, probably a cam from a cinema; so I headed off to the web to see when the DVD would be released so I could ~~download an illegal copy~~ go to the shops and purchase the disk.

Fever shots

Sat, 16 Mar 2013 00:00:00 +0000

Finally got round to processing the polo shots I took during a brief visit to a tournament whilst in a fevered state. Some were quite pleasing to my eye, although I have no memory of taking them.

Imminent collision

Sat, 16 Mar 2013 00:00:00 +0000

Shameless copying

Fri, 15 Mar 2013 00:00:00 +0000

Yesterday passed in the usual blizzard of domestic chores; but I did manage to squeeze in an hour or so on the keyboard in order to produce another post for my fledgling M43 Info site.

Having embarked upon the enterprise, I am rather unsure of what to do with it. With little initial thought, I imagined a site crammed with almost daily witty news and updates on the M43 world, something that would attract a wide following and earn mega-dollars from advertising links. What I have instead, so far, is a few reviews and nothing else. I really must get stuck in and try and develop something; but not today because I am busy.

Ten years

Fri, 15 Mar 2013 00:00:00 +0000

Ten years ago today, I made my way to the upper level of Starbucks on Beach Road to meet a young lady for a coffee.

In those ancient days, Facebook did not exist; but there were other social sites where people could post photos of themselves with a bit of personal info. One of these was called, as far as I can remember, Facepic; and I chanced upon a photo of a rather cute looking girl. With my usual suave style, I asked “how about a coffee?”, and her acquiescence led to our meeting in Starbucks.

The joy of training

Wed, 13 Mar 2013 00:00:00 +0000

In my previous life I managed to survive for thirty two years without receiving any training. Part of my yearly evaluation report required the completion of a small box defined as “development training needs”. My boss would always put “none”. This was partly because I had no discernible skills that could be built upon by any form of training; but also because I told him I didn’t want any; and it was easier for him to write “none” than argue with me.

A quick conversion

Tue, 12 Mar 2013 00:00:00 +0000

My petty enthusiasms do have a habit of rubbing off on people; usually to the detriment of their wallets. I make no apologies for this, serves people right for listening to me.

My most successful conversions over the past few years have been in convincing people as to the merits of the Micro Four Thirds system. It’s an easy sell because they are bloody brilliant little cameras, and I stopped counting after I had convinced fifteen lucky souls to see the light and travel light.

But there have been failures, most recently with one of my readers known as “The Lightweight”. He had been hanging around a fifty page thread on another forum where gearheads spent a lot of time wanking on about how wonderful their full-frame cameras were, and almost no time at all posting photos from these cameras; an always suspicious trend. There was also much misinformation being posted about Micro Four Thirds; so I felt I had to wade in and give him some facts. So it was pleasing when he eventually announced his decision, he was to purchase an E-M5.

Another satisfied customer I thought and added him to my list of converts; and then un-added him when he changed his posting name to “The Heavyweight” after admitting he had gone for a Nikon D600. I can’t personally see the attraction of oily sensors, and after having seen an E-M5/D600 comparison here I am even less convinced; but good luck to him and I look forward to going for a shoot with him soon.

Meantime, Kevin came to visit and as we sat and compared kit, he did wonder about the merits of something smaller for his vacation shooting. I was tired from my recent failed conversion of The Heavyweight so didn’t push anything, and anyway Kevin is a professional wedding photographer and needs to flash big gear to justify his fees. Even so, after we had finished our Ancient City shoot, I decided to send him an image to look at.

I chose this, not because it was anything special, but because I knew that Kevin had taken a similar shot and so could compare with the output from his full frame Nikon:

Bukruk Street Art Festival 2013

Mon, 11 Mar 2013 00:00:00 +0000

When I found myself with a spare couple of hours in Bangkok yesterday afternoon, the only sensible choice seemed to be to check out the Bukruk Street Art Festival.

I started my journey outside the Bangkok Arts Centre where a wall and some columns had already been the subject of attention:

Skytrain

Mon, 11 Mar 2013 00:00:00 +0000

Sim Shitty?

Fri, 08 Mar 2013 00:00:00 +0000

There are a very few computer games that have acquired classic status in the Spike hall of fame. “Railroad Tycoon”, “Roller-coaster Tycoon”, “Civilisation”, “Total War” and of course “SimCity”.

The first version of SimCity was released in 1989 and was re-released in a various upgraded forms until the last iteration, SimCity 4, some ten years ago. Then the designer, Will Wright, went off to design one of the biggest selling franchises of all time, The Sims; leaving SimCity fans to continue tweaking SimCity with user developed add-ons and dreaming of a new version.

I'll call your iPad, and raise you a car

Thu, 07 Mar 2013 00:00:00 +0000

Not to be outdone by Raimon Land, A.D. Condominium are now offering something even more enticing than an iPad Mini with every condo purchase; a car.

Only 5,900 baht too; I’m off to buy two units.

(Thanks to Mr. PattayaDaze for the photo).

Comments 🔗

2013-03-07 | Chang Noi says

The joke is you can do the down-payment with your credit-card. So you are on an exiting & happy holiday and can “buy” and dream house/condo with your credit-card …. after a few weeks you think “I can never pay for that” and cancel the agreement. No problem … but the down-payment is gone. Happens not only in Pattaya or Phuket with foreigners but also upcountry with locals in beautiful new housings estates. Of course the car or iPad you only get after full payment.

Unwanted contact

Tue, 05 Mar 2013 00:00:00 +0000

There are two types of people to whom you should never give your phone number and email address:

Women called Ning who have a look in their eyes that you mistake for lust but is in fact indicative of a deep-seated drug habit of the type that compels them to phone you at three o’clock in the morning some three months after you have concluded a brief and messy relationship, to advise you that they still love you desperately, but also that they want to cut off your genitals and feed them to their sister (that they don’t have); the two slightly dissonant messages delivered in a single sentence by a voice heavy with narcotics and totally devoid of emotion before the line goes dead, briefly preceded by a noise that sounds exactly like a phone being thrown against a brick wall.

Every cloud...

Mon, 04 Mar 2013 00:00:00 +0000

My sickness over the past weekend meant that I missed out on shooting a polo tournament. Bad news for me and those who were looking forward to staring into my lens from the back of a horse, good news for the majority of visitors to this site who are not fans of horsey shots.

But I am a dedicated chap, so I did drag myself there on Saturday and took photos for an hour or so before being forced to retire to my truck and its aircon.

So the good news is that I did capture some shots of the tournament, the bad news is that I can share one with you.

Getting older sucks

Mon, 04 Mar 2013 00:00:00 +0000

Having battled my way through a particularly nasty bout of man flu a week or so ago, I felt that I was on the road to recovery apart from some lingering unpleasantness around the sinuses. But the day after my road trip with Kevin, I started to go downhill again and have spent the past three days nursing the most spectacular inflamed throat accompanied by a high fever.

Having previously stubbornly refused any medical intervention, I have finally relented and am now consuming large white pills which proclaim themselves to be antibiotics, and they do seem to be working; but getting back to full speed is not doubt going to take a few days.

Another one bites the dust

Fri, 01 Mar 2013 00:00:00 +0000

It is with deep regret that I have to advise that I have lost yet another reader.

I have received the following message from the imaginatively titled “Couldbe Nice but_crappy@ttitude.com”:

“But, closed comments, radical attitude, changed my mind from book marking and sharing this with friends, to saying to myself, this site is to be passed.”

Oh dear.

Closed comments? Well, all posts are automatically closed to comments after 30 days, otherwise spam from people with suspicious names like “Couldbe Nice but_crappy@ttitude.com” get past my spam filter and have to be deleted. I also closed a post recently because Grant was getting a little excited and I felt we were deviating from the usual jovial banter.

Road to nowhere

Thu, 28 Feb 2013 00:00:00 +0000

A day out with Pattaya Days reader Kevin saw us heading for the Ancient City. Kevin is a professional wedding photographer so had a bag full of the sort of gear that professional wedding photographers use; leaving my little bag of Micro Four Thirds goodies looked somewhat inadequate in comparison. In a previous life Kevin had worked for the Royal Air Force and his duties had included driving instruction and chauffeuring prime ministers, so I expect my driving seemed somewhat inadequate in comparison to his skills; although I didn’t actually hit anything and he only hid under the dashboard twice.

Still, with me driving, it was quite clear that all navigational skills were the responsibility of Kevin; so when we found ourselves heading in the general direction of Surin rather than the Ancient City, it was definitely his fault. His feeble protestations that I had been to our intended destination before, that he hadn’t actually been told where we were going and anyway he didn’t have his reading glasses, cut no ice with me. This is was an ideal opportunity to mask my gear and driving inadequacies and I took full advantage.

After a massive delay caused by Kevin’s navigational cock-up (estimated at around twenty minutes) we finally arrived at the Ancient City just as it was about to close (estimated at about five hours before it was about to close).

I had pretty much taken all the building shots during my previous visit, so this time I tried to find something different, which usually involved Buddha statues. This was my favourite of the day:

As requested

Sun, 24 Feb 2013 00:00:00 +0000

Spent a fair bit of time the last few days processing prancing polo photo photos. Was not going to inflict any on you, but Mr. Grant pleaded so fervently in the comments to the previous post, that I felt I had to oblige. If you didn’t want it; you know who to bitch at.

Best of the rest

Sun, 24 Feb 2013 00:00:00 +0000

I’ve already posted a couple of movie review offerings for my long-suffering readers; but there is time for one more before the Oscars are handed out this evening. Are you sitting comfortably, popcorn on your lap? Good.

Best Picture Oscar nominations I have in my collection, but haven’t watched yet: Lincoln - It’s Spielberg, it’s Daniel Day-Lewis doing his method acting thing; but I managed ten minutes before boredom set in. Will try again after it has swept up a huge number of awards. Les Miserables - It’s Anne Hathaway being all vulnerable and waif-like; yummy. But I can’t get past the singing every sentence routine and had to stop before Anne had even made an appearance. They should have included a car chase early on to keep me interested.

Easy black and white

Fri, 22 Feb 2013 00:00:00 +0000

Mimosa - The City of Love

Wed, 20 Feb 2013 00:00:00 +0000

The road south out of Pattaya is already home to a number of attractions; including Nong Nuch Gardens, The Floating Market, Silverlake, and two imminent waterparks. This does interesting things to the traffic flow on weekends, and it is only going to become more hectic once Mimosa opens.

Seeking an extension

Tue, 19 Feb 2013 00:00:00 +0000

Time for the annual pilgrimage to renew my retirement visa.

The immigration office has always been a busy place; and recent reports of a dramatic increase in visa applications meant that it was likely that my visit would be something of an ordeal. I needed a plan.

Yesterday I went down to the office to pick up the necessary form and have my photo taken. It was mid-afternoon and the place was like a zoo. Frantic foreigners in varying states of undress and of limited personal hygiene were jostling for position around a harassed official who seemed to be advising all of them to “come back tomorrow”. Unpleasant.

Burapa Bike Week 2013

Sat, 16 Feb 2013 00:00:00 +0000

Burapa bike week is actually Burapa bike weekend, with bikers arriving on a Friday and then departing on a Sunday, preferably with a massive hangover.

In previous years the event has been held next to a local sports hall, but this year the American forces were in town and needed the sports hall; perhaps they were going to practice invading it and bringing freedom by slaughtering every one in the area. Whatever, the alternative location was on the hills behind Silverlake and it was a great place to hold a bike rally, mainly because there was masses of space for bikes, bikers, stalls, stages and everyone who came along in cars to have a good gawp, like me.

First thing I found was the cowboy and Indian brigade. I have no idea why Thais have such an affinity for this genre; but almost every festival you attend has people dressing up as Sleeping Bear and Slightly Annoyed Bill Hickok.

Back in the saddle

Fri, 15 Feb 2013 00:00:00 +0000

It’s been a while since you “enjoyed” a polo photo; so here you are, and no bitching.

It's getting out of hand

Fri, 15 Feb 2013 00:00:00 +0000

She who must be obeyed thinks I have accumulated too many cameras. She might be right.

But I am not as bad as the guy in this story.

Comments 🔗

2013-02-15 | Grant says

Clearly a graphic and horrifying illustration of the huge dangers of early weaning…

2013-02-15 | Jan says

did yoy win ??

Just hanging out on the end of a stick

Fri, 15 Feb 2013 00:00:00 +0000

Shades (and directions) of enthusiasm

Fri, 15 Feb 2013 00:00:00 +0000

It started with a kiss

Thu, 14 Feb 2013 00:00:00 +0000

And went on for bloody hours.

Yes, it is the annual, pointless “let’s see how long we can hold our lips together” competition. Last year the record was broken by a couple of gentlemen, and worldwide, non-exclusive coverage was provided here.

This year, they are at it again, with the world record being broken at some point this afternoon; if anybody manages to last that long. There were only four tired couple left in the competition when I went yesterday. Head over to Royal Garden Mall this afternoon if you wish to witness the climax to this most thrilling of competitions.

Folk medicine

Wed, 13 Feb 2013 00:00:00 +0000

For almost a week now I have been suffering from a particularly unpleasant bout of man flu. It’s only this morning that I have felt a sense of normality returning and I could be found skipping round the condo attending to chores, accompanied by Plan B and Florence and the Machine (not simultaneously); although I must admit I am now feeling like I could do with a little lie down.

My wife is most solicitous on these occasions, and her immediate reaction is that we must go to hospital. My protestations that it is merely a sore throat, announcing the onset of man flu, is not enough to silence her. A firm statement that I am not going to go to Bangkok Pattaya Hospital to waste two hours of my life amongst sick people to be given assorted bags of pills I don’t need and a bill for 2,000 baht, usually does the trick.

She then moves into folk medicine mode, the weirdest of which is the Vick in a sock trick. The first night was disturbed by a most unpleasant cough. The second night I was just settling down to sleep and I felt my wife slapping Vick Vapour Rub all over the soles of my feet; and then encasing my feet in socks. W? and indeed, TF?

What are you doing? This will stop you coughing? How? You’ll see.

And I did, I had a cough free night. Pure coincidence of course and the following night I refused the soggy sock treatment, I wasn’t falling for this superstitious nonsense. As a result, I ended up sleeping in the spare room because my coughing was so bad. Since then I have requested the treatment; rubbish of course but makes her happy (and stops me coughing).

Whenever I get sick, mother-in-law is quickly on the phone ensuring that her daughter is giving me adequate attention. Between the two of them they came up with the cure-all for flu; Brand’s Chicken Essence. I don’t know if you have ever had this, but if you have you will never forget it. It tastes utterly vile, and you are burping up vileness for hours. Unluckily for me, she who must be obeyed had been given some as a New Year’s gift by a customer, and there were three bottles left in the fridge.

At the height of my misery she thrust one into my hand.

Take this, it will make you feel better. Not immediately it won’t.

Sod’s law dictated that I was indeed feeling a little better the following day, although I was sure it was just the natural course of things. Still, there were only two bottles left; so in for a Vick-soaked sock, in for a couple of swallows of goodness knows what; at least it makes my wife happy.

A couple of days later and I am feeling much recovered and the bottles of Brand’s are finished; double joy.

Then my wife returns home from work and announces she has a present for me. Good, I like presents. Usually:

The vagina duologue

Mon, 11 Feb 2013 00:00:00 +0000

She who must be obeyed is often stuck in traffic on her way home; and to amuse herself she calls me up for a chat. The topic for last night’s conversation was surprising.

I’ve just seen a very interesting thing on Facebook, it’s all about vaginas!

(Hesitantly) Oh really?

Yes, this artist in the UK took women’s vanginas and covered them in…I know the Thai word but not the English…you know, that white sticky stuff.

Off to a good start

Sun, 10 Feb 2013 00:00:00 +0000

The visitor statistics for the first day of this blog are lost in the foggy mists of time; but I would guess the number to be 5. Two of those would be people I encouraged to take a look, the remaining three would be as the result of typos.

I was pretty much expecting similar from my new enterprise, Micro Four Thirds Info. In fact I didn’t even bother configuring the statistics gathering tool until late yesterday morning. Most surprising, and encouraging, therefore to discover that the visitor numbers for the (half) day were 667. Most of these came via the 43 Rumors (sic) site which is an excellent source of M43 gossip, and also provides links to other reviews, like mine.

Horsing about

Sat, 09 Feb 2013 00:00:00 +0000

News from the home country has been interesting this week, with an increasing number of retail outlets reporting that a percentage of beef in their beef products is actually horse.

Personally, I don’t understand what all the fuss is about. Horses, cows, sheep, pandas, they’re all just food on legs; kept in appalling conditions that we would rather not know about before being slaughtered in a concrete room awash with blood and then neatly packaged for our consumption. Yummy.

Olympus OM-D E-M5 review

Fri, 08 Feb 2013 00:00:00 +0000

Where? I hear you ask. Or more likely: Oh shit, not another one of his tedious reviews.

Be still your beating heart gentle reader, for today is a momentous day in the expansion of the Pattaya Days™ empire.

Not many of you were around in March 2008 when we first opened our doors and the initial, tentative post dropped onto the unsuspecting wide wide world of web. And now here we are, a zillion posts later, and ~~thousands~~ ~~hundreds~~ several readers per day. My how we have grown.

Alone in the crowd

Tue, 05 Feb 2013 00:00:00 +0000

Documentary evidence

Tue, 05 Feb 2013 00:00:00 +0000

The Pattaya Days Oscar preparations continue with a look at a couple of films nominated in the documentary category, plus one that hasn’t been nominated for an Oscar but is a worthy watch anyway. Five Broken Cameras - Emad Burnat is a Palestinian farmer who bought a video camera in 2005 to record the birth of his son. He then used the camera to record life in and around his village. Illegal land seizure by the Israelis and the building of a security wall which divided the village’s land, became a focal point of protests. Burnat recorded these protests, and continued to do so over a period of five years; using a succession of cameras after Israeli troops destroyed them; once by firing a bullet at Burnat’s head, which luckily hit the camera instead of him. One of Burnat’s friends is not so lucky, killed by troops from the other side of a security fence during a peaceful protest. Burnat himself is harassed, beaten up and imprisoned; for the crime of using a camera on his own land.

No sex please, we're Thai

Tue, 05 Feb 2013 00:00:00 +0000

Thailand has a reputation as being a centre for the sex industry. There, I said it; because it’s true. And the reputation is well-founded; not just for the obvious sex-for-sale areas targeted at foreigners such as Pattaya, Patpong and Soi Nana; but also for the even more massive industry that supports the Thai male’s requirements for horizontal recreational activities.

Naturally enough, this is not something that the Thai government would want to emphasise on tourist literature, but it is there, everyone know it is there, and many people are making a great deal of money out of it.

Walking on Walking Street

Tue, 05 Feb 2013 00:00:00 +0000

Coffee with Kevin

Sat, 02 Feb 2013 00:00:00 +0000

After breakfast and coffee with she who must be obeyed, I met up with Kevin and his brother who are pointing a variety of lenses at Thailand for a month. Unfortunately, they are all Nikon lenses, but forgive and forget is my motto (not really).

Kevin is the real deal. Wedding photographer, wildlife photographer, a man who actually makes a living from photography; as compared to someone who just ponces around with an ever-changing collection of kit (that would be me). As befits his status, he doesn’t travel light.

Fiddling with filters

Fri, 01 Feb 2013 00:00:00 +0000

Real photographers shoot RAW and then massage the output in the software of their choice. But I’m not a real photographer, so when I get a new camera which offers a selection of effects filters; then I am going to have a play.

Not something I would use every day, but I had some fun taking some snaps using a selection of filters, including Dramatic Tone, Key Line and Pop Art; although I have no idea which was which in these images:

The Russians are coming

Fri, 01 Feb 2013 00:00:00 +0000

Big budgets and filming the unfilmable

Thu, 31 Jan 2013 00:00:00 +0000

Continuing the extremely occasional 2012 movie reviews, this post considers some of the big budget offerings, plus a couple of movies based on books that pundits reckoned could not be filmed.

Big budget “blockbusters” are meant to be seen at the cinema; and we have caught three of them in the last year.

The Dark Knight Rises< - Obviously a shameless Christopher Nolan fanboy like myself would have to see this, but to be honest the first time I saw it I was a little disappointed. Perhaps nothing can top The Dark Knight, but this last film in the trilogy seemed a little flat. Then I went to see it again on an IMAX screen and was sufficiently blown away for my Nolan man-love to remain intact. There is nothing to match the appeal of Heath Ledger as the Joker; but Anne Hathaway has her own set of completely different attractions as Catwoman. The ending sets up nicely for a sequel; but it will be a brave man that follows Nolan.

My Generation

Wed, 30 Jan 2013 00:00:00 +0000

The league of gentlemen

Wed, 30 Jan 2013 00:00:00 +0000

We were joined this morning on our macro outing by a gentleman sporting a massive Nikon DSLR. We forgave him this because he shoots for Getty, is a fellow of the royal society of extremely good photographers (or similarly named), does take the most extraordinary photos, and he offered to provide a post-shoot breakfast. After breakfast he treated us to a photo slideshow which had us reaching for the “format card” buttons on our cameras; not a lot of pointing taking photos when you see what he can do.

Confusingly, he is also called Nick, but with a ‘c’; so the attendees were Nik, Nick, Ian and Spike; and our gear was two Nikons (pah!) and two Olympus OM-Ds (yay!). I thought it best to lay down some ground rules for the event:

For those still employing antiquated flappy mirrors in their cameras, a carry-on baggage limit of 15 kilos will apply.
Any attempt to smuggle Scottish music on board will result in the continuous playing of Slap My Bitch Up by Prodigy at high volume for the entire duration of the journey.
Ditto any attempt to recite poetry in a Scottish accent.
Complimentary cocktails and canapes will be served on both legs of the journey to those traveling OM-D class.

Unfortunately I forgot to ban Tai Chi demonstrations, so we had a bit of that from Ian; but mainly we were too busy taking photos to be distracted. The recent rain seemed to have brought out the bugs and there was plenty to point a lens at. A good outing in fine company.

RTFM

Tue, 29 Jan 2013 00:00:00 +0000

People who know me, know that I like to dabble with cameras. From this they assume (the fools) that I actually know something useful and can help them with their photographic problems. Well, I do try and help and sometimes I can; but I refuse to become involved too far with a conversation that starts along the lines of:

*My shots are all blurry. Have you tried increasing the shutter speed? How do I do that? (staring dumbly at camera)? RTFM. What’s that mean? Read the manual. (Pause) What does the F stand for? (Pause) Oh. *

Pattaya bed race 2013

Sun, 27 Jan 2013 00:00:00 +0000

What to do on a Sunday in Pattaya?

Well, today you could have attended the second day of the air and boat radio controlled shows, or there was a ladies international petanque competition, if ladies throwing balls is your thing; or you could attend the first day of the ladies open tennis, if ladies hitting balls is your thing. Me, I went to watch the bed race.

Due to conflicting polo photography commitments, I have missed the bed race for the last two years, so it was good to have a chance to go today; although fate decided it would rain for most of the event which was rather unpleasant.

The afternoon started with some general posing around, followed by a parade around town.

RCing about

Sat, 26 Jan 2013 00:00:00 +0000

I have previously noted my interest in radio controlled model aircraft, so it was no surprise that today saw me heading for the Pattaya R/C Airshow.

There were many stalls selling an assortment of aircraft and I was sorely tempted to indulge, but then I remembered I have had to borrow money from my wife to see me through this month after my latest camera purchase. I was also reminded that although I was reasonably competent at making an aircraft go up in the air…

Up too early

Thu, 24 Jan 2013 00:00:00 +0000

Left home at 0730 with Nik for yet another macro shoot. For the first half hour or so we found nothing. This may have been because we were both half asleep and in need of coffee, or because the bugs were also half asleep and in need of some sunshine, or both. Either way we agreed that future outings would start a little later.

My initial efforts were hampered by my first use of the OM-D for macro; I kept finding settings I should have changed in preparation for the shoot, but hadn’t. That, plus general unfamiliarity with the camera meant I was less smooth than usual; and I am usually not very smooth.

As well as playing with a new camera, there was also the issue of a pair of macro lights, which seemed like a good idea to throw into the purchasing mix, but in practice seemed to do little more than add light reflections and drain my battery at an alarming rate.

The joys of Thai banking

Wed, 23 Jan 2013 00:00:00 +0000

I often receive strange requests via the contacts page, and this week I got this:

*I’m an HSBC account holder and been using my ATM card to obtain cash here in pattaya Thailand, the card stopped working today, how can I continue to have access to my money? *

My correspondent had obviously thrown “HSBC” and “Pattaya” into Google and come up with one of my posts, and from that decided I was exactly the person he should contact with his problem; rather than, say, HSBC. Naturally I was my usual magnanimous self and provided him with extensive, helpful, instructions which could be summarised as “phone your bank”.

Trial run

Wed, 23 Jan 2013 00:00:00 +0000

Coliseum construction

Tue, 22 Jan 2013 00:00:00 +0000

Gas attack

Mon, 21 Jan 2013 00:00:00 +0000

Been quiet the last few days; not in the mood for writing or taking photos for some reason; thyroid misbehaving perhaps.

This afternoon I headed into town to purchase a portable hard drive for she who must be obeyed, something to do with needing to carry her work stuff home, I wasn’t really listening. On the way through the mall I made my inevitable stop at a camera shop to mock their DSLRs and ogle their Micro Four Thirds collection. I have already promised myself that, once my toy kitty is sufficiently replenished, I will be “investing” in an Olympus OM-D. I sure as hell don’t need it, but I do desperately want it and have justified the purchase to myself based on my own warped set of criteria. In medical terms this is known as GAS, or Gear Acquisition Syndrome, and it is an affliction I have suffered from most of my adult life.

Anyway, I was just looking, no harm in that. Oh, and they had what I planned to buy in stock, fancy that. Oh, and they would offer a rather appealing discount for cash, how tempting. Such a shame it will be next month before I have sufficient funds. Just walk away Spike.

It wasn’t until I arrived home and inspected my purchases that I realised I had forgotten all about my wife’s hard drive. Still, can’t afford to buy it now.

Fruit hat

Sun, 20 Jan 2013 00:00:00 +0000

I've got my spine, I've got my orange crush

Sun, 20 Jan 2013 00:00:00 +0000

From the sublime to the ridiculous

Wed, 16 Jan 2013 00:00:00 +0000

In the brief time we have been together, I have rather fallen in love with my Olympus 60mm Macro.

Modern life is rubbish

Wed, 16 Jan 2013 00:00:00 +0000

The American foreign policy collection

Tue, 15 Jan 2013 00:00:00 +0000

Adopting a long-term foreign policy of fucking around in other countries for your own strategic interests has no doubt served America well over the years; and it has also provided a fertile background for movie makers. Two of the better films from last year are based on stories from that hotbed of alternately propping up and then blowing up shitty regimes, the middle east.

The problem with these stories can be that, unless we have been living under a stone or in North Korea, we already know what the ending will be. The challenge for the film maker is to create entertainment and tension even when the audience knows what is going to happen in the five minutes before the credits roll.

An elevated lady

Sun, 13 Jan 2013 00:00:00 +0000

Damp day

Sat, 12 Jan 2013 00:00:00 +0000

Rain overnight resulted in a damp start to the day.

Suffer little children

Sat, 12 Jan 2013 00:00:00 +0000

It’s National Children’s Day in Thailand. I know this because the Google home page told me so this morning, and it even flashed up the slogan for the day: “Uphold discipline, enhance knowledge and bring Thailand towards Asean”. A bit of a tall order for a five year old.

“Daddy, how can I do my bit to bring Thailand towards Asean?”. “Shut up and have a balloon”.

Not included in the slogan is “spend the entire day being spoiled and behaving like an obnoxious little prat”; which is what actually happens. It’s best not to stray from home on this day, because all public places are rammed with parents desperately trying to find something to do with their expectant offspring. I received a text from she who must be obeyed, who has the misfortune to be working today, which read “stay away from town, it’s full of little shits”. And so it will be. Thousands of kids ignoring any minimal discipline their weary parents might be trying to uphold, enhancing their knowledge of eating sweets and whining for toys they don’t need, and bringing themselves closer to Asean on the way home by vomiting over the back seat of the car.

It’s not that we need a children’s day here. Children in Thailand are already spoiled rotten, especially the male of the species who is treated like a little prince until he is old enough to discover his genitals, alcohol and weaponry; at which point he turns into a feckless, lazy, spoiled, adult brat; impregnating without responsibility and generally behaving like an arsehole while his parents wonder what went wrong. “We gave him everything he ever wanted”. Precisely.

I may be giving the impression that I don’t like children and that’s just not true. I hate the little buggers. Of course there are exceptions. We all love our own children, it’s biology. But I must admit I found The Son to be something of a disappointment initially. As any good father should, I had installed a massive Scalextric track in anticipation of his conception. Sadly, once he arrived he seemed to be only interested in sleeping, eating, shitting, making impressively noxious smells for one so small, and crying a lot; especially when his father became angry because he refused to grasp the functions of a Scalextric controller. By the time he was old enough to appreciate my magnificent gift, I had broken it. Still, once he started talking and attending to his own toilet, he became a delight and continues to be so.

There are children I can tolerate for limited periods. Here’s one I snapped yesterday:

For your consideration

Thu, 10 Jan 2013 00:00:00 +0000

This is a wonderful time of year to catch up on the latest movies. Studios prepare copies of their best offerings, watermark them every twenty minutes or so with the slogan “For your consideration”, and then send them out to those whose job it is to vote for the Oscars and any other awards that are in the offing. Somewhere along the distribution process, copies disappear and end up on the internet as torrents for evil stealing bastards to download. People like me.

OM-D EM-5 Links

Thu, 10 Jan 2013 00:00:00 +0000

Opinions Ming Thein Why I Sold Everything for the Olympus OM-D E-M5 Photofocus John Griggs Luminous Landscapes The Phoblographer Imaging Resource Sans Mirror

Set-up DPreview guide Photo Net Tricks and Tips - DPR forum Assignable function buttons chart Adjusting AF spot size Setup for manual focus lens The role of anti-shock Photography is fun - OM-D links Pekka Potka - Configuring the EM-5 Speedlight control and here Service menu

Manual

Firmware update list

A little Russian in the night

Tue, 08 Jan 2013 00:00:00 +0000

Took a quick wander down Beach Road and Walking Street with a Russian Helios 103 lens strapped to the GX1. Manual focus, ISO a lot, and F1.8. I rather like the results, an almost paint like quality with crazy bokeh. Not bad for a lens that can still be found new for less than $40.

Basking

Tue, 08 Jan 2013 00:00:00 +0000

Poo and pencils

Sun, 06 Jan 2013 00:00:00 +0000

We all have our little obsessions, and our other half has to learn to live with them. In some cases these obsessions can trigger the end of a relationship: gambling, alcohol, a need to freely share bodily fluids; the paths to ruination are many. My wife has an obsession, but I find it tolerable; she has a burning desire to acquire stationery, specifically pens and pencils.

This need can be most easily managed by keeping her away from stationery shops. But pass within sprinting distance of a counter selling writing instruments and she is in there like a scribe with a bonus to fritter and the end result is a bag full of pens, pencils and anything else that can make a mark upon a surface.

Faded

Sat, 05 Jan 2013 00:00:00 +0000

The tipping point?

Fri, 04 Jan 2013 00:00:00 +0000

DPReview has been around for many years and is probably the biggest photo gear review and forum site on the web. This year they ran a poll for readers to vote on what they considered to be the best camera of 2012. Fifteen thousands readers voted; and in a world that is dominated by Canon and Nikon, coupled with the perceptions of most people that only a DSLR is a real camera, third place was no surprise (unless you expected it to be first):

New recruits

Thu, 03 Jan 2013 00:00:00 +0000

Had contacts from two new readers over the last couple of days who say they like the site, in fact they like it so much that they have gone back to the beginning and are reading through all 1,800+ posts. This takes a certain level of insanity; but I am grateful for their interest.

The first contact was from Wolfgang who also has a blog, very similar to mine as it is awash with photos and cats, so he must be a good guy. And he shoots with the right sort of cameras (Olympus). Welcome Wolfgang and please visit often.

A year in review

Tue, 01 Jan 2013 00:00:00 +0000

Wonderful Wordpress has provided me with a pretty summary of activity on Pattaya Days in 2012. If you want the gory details, you can look here. It also includes a link to 2011, but don’t bother with that because it is incomplete.

A summary of the summary: In spite of some thyroid generated downtime; some 370 posts were made, an average of about one a day, which just shows how much time I waste on this thing. 150,000 visits from 162 countries, which just shows how much time you waste on this thing. Almost double the 2011 visitor total. which just shows how many people you can snare with the word “pussy” in a post title.

Mean green killing machine

Tue, 01 Jan 2013 00:00:00 +0000

The obligatory new year fireworks

Tue, 01 Jan 2013 00:00:00 +0000

Strong wind meant that, even on a tripod, long exposures gave me some shaky buildings; but the fireworks came out OK.

Happy Hmong New Year

Mon, 31 Dec 2012 00:00:00 +0000

So how do you plan on spending your new year? A massive bout of drinking followed by unconsciousness, then waking up the following morning in a pool of vomit (not necessarily yours) next to someone of indeterminate sex who bears a startling resemblance to a moose in a wig? The Hmong have a different take on new year, and it’s a load of balls.

There are many tours in Thailand which offer you a chance to meet the smaller ethnic groups such as the Karen and the Hmong. Such trips usually provide transport to a sad, dusty village where sad, dusty people are wheeled out for the benefit of tourists. I have always avoided such locations and will continue to do so. But when we were offered a chance to go to a field near Luang Prabang where Hmong from all over Laos were congregating for their new year celebrations; then we jumped at the chance.

Around the periphery of the field there were assorted attractions. Of course there was food available:

A shocking case of child abuse

Sun, 30 Dec 2012 00:00:00 +0000

Into the sun

Sat, 29 Dec 2012 00:00:00 +0000

Tried a few shots against the setting sun this afternoon, and I think this one worked very well with the dying sun reflecting off the mallet and the tail. Slow shutter speed blurred the legs, and the horse was conveniently airborne. Result.

Luang Prabang - The end

Sat, 29 Dec 2012 00:00:00 +0000

You will be pleased to know that this is the last post on Luang Prabang, although the photos from the Hmong New Year are still to come.

Two full days was not really enough, a week would have allowed me to see most of the town and settle into the flow of the place; maybe we will return some day.

She who must be obeyed was the usual wonderful travelling companion, and her mother was also a delight. She had a tiny little camera which she used to take more photos than I did, and her ability to speak Laos, together with her willingness to talk to anyone, meant she was a great unofficial tour guide.

My other fine companion was my camera and four little lenses. So easy to carry everywhere, and giving me all the shots I wanted (apart from the throttled ducks). Here are a few final images that didn’t fit in other posts:

Luang Prabang - Sunsets

Fri, 28 Dec 2012 00:00:00 +0000

Sunsets are a photographic cliché. But if you are sat next to the Mekong drinking a lemon shake as the sun goes down, well you might as well capture it (the sunset, not the lemon shake).

Luang Prabang - Bicycle woes

Thu, 27 Dec 2012 00:00:00 +0000

Riding a bicycle is a good way to get around Luang Prabang and there are many places that will hire you a bike for not a lot of kip.

Luang Prabang - Markets

Thu, 27 Dec 2012 00:00:00 +0000

Luang Prabang - Chasing waterfalls

Wed, 26 Dec 2012 00:00:00 +0000

My preference for a couple of days in Luang Prabang would be to spend the entire time rambling round the alleys of the town in search of interest and photos. My wife had other ideas, she wanted to go to a waterfall.

It seems to be an obsession of Thais on holiday that they need to visit the nearest waterfall, an obsession I cannot understand because most Thai waterfalls are uninspiring. There are none that I have visited that make you think “this reminds me of Iceland”, and many that make you think “why the fuck have they added all this concrete to a place of natural beauty?”

Our last weekend away to Koh Samet had to include a waterfall trip, and that had been a rather dismal experience; so I was not that keen on wasting half a day to see another dribble on a hillside in Laos; but here we were in a van on the way to the Kuang Si waterfalls.

We arrived around 10:00 and the car park was almost empty; when we came back a couple of hours later it was full. Tip #1: go in the morning before the crowds arrive. There is a small admission fee and then you can either walk up a road to the main falls, or take a track to the right which leads to the lower falls. Tip #2: Take the right hand route. It’s an easy walk that takes you past all the smaller pools and falls before arriving at the top, and you pass a rescued bear sanctuary on the way which is worth a look.

Compliments of the season

Mon, 24 Dec 2012 00:00:00 +0000

It’s that time of year where the faithful celebrate the crucifixion of the baby JZ for being born a virgin (or something like that, I confuse easily); marking the occasion with several days of greed, rampant consumerism and excessive consumption.

I like to feel that my entire life is built around the triple pillars of greed, rampant consumerism and excessive consumption; so at this time of year I like to do something a little different. I like to humiliate my cats.

Luang Prabang - a town of contrasts

Sun, 23 Dec 2012 00:00:00 +0000

Luang Prabang was the capital of Laos and the residence of the king. When the communists took over, dispensed with the monarchy and moved the capital to Vientiane, the town retained its importance as a trading post, sitting at the confluence of the Mekong and Nam Khan rivers. Colonised by the French, captured by the Thais during the second world war and then handed back to the French at the end of the war, Luang Prabang has had a disturbed history, but one that leaves plenty of interesting architecture for travellers to gawk at. Add in many, many temples, hundreds of monks, surrounding mountains and UNESCO world heritage status; Luang Prabang sounds like it has plenty going for it as a tourist destination.

Luang Prabang - Tak Bak

Sun, 23 Dec 2012 00:00:00 +0000

And...we're back.

Sat, 22 Dec 2012 00:00:00 +0000

Absent

Wed, 19 Dec 2012 00:00:00 +0000

After nearly eighteen months in Thailand, we are escaping for a quick break until Saturday evening.

She who must be obeyed has not had a holiday since she started work nearly a year ago, so she deserves a little trip, and her mother has been having a dreadful time with marital issues so we are dragging her along as well. This is an excellent plan as far as I am concerned because it means that the ladies can go and worship at the twin shrines of temples and shopping, leaving me free to concentrate on shooting the shit out of our chosen location, carefully negotiated by yours truly on the grounds that it is meant to be one of the more photogenic spots in the region.

More macro

Mon, 17 Dec 2012 00:00:00 +0000

As you can gather from the last post, I have been out shooting macro again. Yesterday there were three of us on the trip and my truck was not going to be sufficient for the job unless we stuffed someone in the back, and that would be rather uncomfortable; not that I really cared because I was driving.

Then she who must be obeyed stepped forward and offered me the use of her transport, little realising the extremely rutted and muddy track I was going to take it down and, with luck, back again. Still, I was heartened by the immortal words of P.J. O’Rourke in his seminal piece “How to Drive Fast on Drugs While Getting Your Wing-Wang Squeezed and Not Spill Your Drink”:

“Mud, snow, water, woods – you can take a rented car anywhere. True, you can’t always get it back – but that’s not your problem, is it? " Swap “rented” for “she who must be obeyed’s” and the problem was resolved. Her car would get us where we needed to go, we would worry later about getting it out of whatever hole I parked it in.

Our intrepid gang comprised Ian from PattayaDaze, neighbour Nik with his fancy OMD, and me. I would say the trip went well, apart from a spirited disagreement on American foreign policy on the way home, but no blood was spilled; which is more than you can say for the results of American foreign policy.

As usual, Ian spotted the bugs, we said “where?”, and a good time was had by all.

I am really warming to this macro lark. In many ways it is like photographing polo ponies. You take a shitload of shots, but it is not till you get home that you discover whether or not you have anything of worth. With polo ponies, success is measured by an interesting shot, preferably with all the legs off the ground; something the human eye is incapable of discerning. With macro it is all about nailing focus and producing a shot showing details that the unaided human eye is incapable of discerning.

The big difference between shooting polo ponies (or temples, or people on the street) and macro insects; is that for the big subjects you have a pretty good idea that they will be where you expect them to be when you go to shoot them. When you head out into the undergrowth you never know whether or not you will see anything worth photographing, or just end the afternoon with dirty feet, mosquito bites and a wife’s car stuck in a ditch.

Even you do spot something (or more likely, Ian spots it for you), the success rate using the camera hand-held for macro is very low. My success rate using the camera on a tripod is also very low, because the target subject rather unreasonably fucks off as soon as I start disturbing the undergrowth with tripod legs. So when some small creature stays still long enough for me to erect my tripod, get into position, obtain some sort of focus and get a shot, it feels like a minor triumph. And when I get home and find that some of the perceived minor triumphs are actually useable shots, well it makes it all worth while.

Yesterday I took 204 shots in two hours, of which twelve remain on my computer as deemed acceptable for retention. Here are some of them:

Olympus 75mm vs 60mm macro comparison

Mon, 17 Dec 2012 00:00:00 +0000

In August of this year I became the lucky owner of an Olympus 75mm lens. I wrote a review of it here and have since used extensively. It is a stunning lens in every way and I love it dearly.

More recently I had a chance to try out the new Olympus 60mm macro and was impressed, sufficiently so that I soon added one to my collection and have been bombarding you with macro shots.

So, given the choice, which should you buy?

This may seem like a stupid question, similar to “should I buy an armchair or a wristwatch?” (I get asked this a lot). After all, surely the 75mm is designed to produce shots like this:

Pattaya live sex show - warning - graphic content

Sun, 16 Dec 2012 00:00:00 +0000

Zebra overload

Sat, 15 Dec 2012 00:00:00 +0000

On my way to a location to take some shots in support of an upcoming crucial “how does the Olympus 60mm macro compare to the Olympus 75mm for general shooting” post (you have been warned), and I pass a couple of shrines which sport an unusual zebra theme. I recall a brief post about this place a couple of years ago, but the population of African equids (yes, I looked it up) has blossomed considerably since then.

Whipped out the 75mm for a multi-zebra shot; but then wished I had something wider with me for a more general view. Then I remembered that I had the crazy little body cap lens in the front pocket of my bag so knocked off a couple of shots with that. I revise my opinion, it can be useful.

An afternoon stroll with the maestro

Wed, 12 Dec 2012 00:00:00 +0000

Another outing to play with my new macro, and who better to take as my shooting companion than the proprietor of Pattaya Daze?

Not only is he good company and an enthusiastic photographer; he has also developed an almost uncanny ability to spot macro subjects in the undergrowth, honed through many years of daily walks hunting small beasties.

We stopped on a quiet country road and started to look for targets. I saw a sea of green. He saw spiders, lizards, snails, butterflies, moths. He would then point them out to me and I would see a sea of green. With some further pointing I finally spotted the prey. Had I been on my own, I would have come home with a photos of a leaf and a snail; and not a very good snail at that. Instead I came home home with these:

It's the end of the world as we know it, and I feel fine

Wed, 12 Dec 2012 00:00:00 +0000

She who must be obeyed was in a contemplative mood yesterday.

Do you know that tomorrow is 12/12/12?

Not in Thailand it isn’t. More like 12/12/55.

Don’t be difficult. It will be 12/12/12, and we have to kiss at 12:12.

Why?

Because it will be good luck.

Why? Don’t be difficult.

Of course she forgot, but I set an alarm on my phone and at 12:12 I planted a kiss on her lips.

Pointless sign

Tue, 11 Dec 2012 00:00:00 +0000

Quality time with Mr. Nolan

Tue, 11 Dec 2012 00:00:00 +0000

I have long been a fan of the films of Christopher Nolan, everything from Memento onwards. Not only does he make interesting, intelligent movies; but the level of craftsmanship that goes into their making has always intrigued me. In particular, Nolan’shis insistence in minimising computer generated special effects in favour of real action.

A good example was a scene from The Dark Knight. The requirement was to drive an eighteen wheel truck down a narrow street in the banking district in Chicago, a location full of extremely expensive real estate which could not be damaged; and then flip it. Not too hard using CGI, but Nolan wanted it done for real. Here’s brief extract from what was many months of preparation:

I love this sort of stuff; almost as enjoyable as the movies itself. So I couldn’t resist this:

Substantial sunset

Sun, 09 Dec 2012 00:00:00 +0000

A plethora of pussies

Sat, 08 Dec 2012 00:00:00 +0000

Barging in

Sat, 08 Dec 2012 00:00:00 +0000

Party pooper

Fri, 07 Dec 2012 00:00:00 +0000

Some excitement in the Pattaya air this week due to the first ever meeting of our CCC (Colonial Commenters Club), overseas members division. Already in town was Spanky, who had spent a couple of weeks acclimatising and recovering from jet lag by adopting the tried and tested technique of being permanently pissed; before being laid low with what he described as a stomach bug, but what any member of the medical profession would easily identify as alcohol poisoning.

Genuinej, although not actually a colonial, had volunteered to attend in order to ensure that nobody employed bad grammar, and to make sure that any food and drink menus perused during the meeting did not contain spelling mistakes. Unfortunately, he was called back to the motherland on the day of the meeting to attend a disciplinary tribunal of the IGP (International Grammar Pedants). The charge laid before him was that he neglected his duties related to the correcting of mistakes in this publication for some three weeks, preferring to spend his time wielding his mashie niblick in assorted bunkers across Chonburi province, or whatever the fuck it is that golfers do.

The other attendee was Grant who flew all the way from New Zealand for the occasion; and then spent nearly as much time getting from Bangkok to Pattaya by choosing to come on the train. I was tasked with collecting him from the station which I was able to find thanks to directions from Pete and Wally. Unfortunately, the train had a lot more difficulty finding the station than I did, eventually arriving more than an hour behind schedule.

I was kept abreast of progress by frequent SMS messages from Grant (“snow on the tracks in Banglamung”), so did not have to spend to much time hanging around. But it actually turned out to be a rather pleasant place to spend some time.

Dark Side Devilment

Thu, 06 Dec 2012 00:00:00 +0000

“The dark side” is the name given to the area east of Sukhumvit road in Pattaya.

To those who live on the west side, the dark side indicates an area lacking in civilisation and amenities. To those who actually live there, it means a place away from the bright lights of the city where a more orderly life can be lived. The reality is that it can be a very pleasant place to be, although battling through the queues around the ever-blossoming housing estates to get into Pattaya can be a pain.

One of the charms of the dark side is that is generally devoid of establishments peddling flesh. If you want some action, come into Pattaya. So I was most surprised to chance upon this sign near to Mabrachan reservoir:

Lick my whip

Thu, 06 Dec 2012 00:00:00 +0000

Happy Birthday to H.M. The King

Wed, 05 Dec 2012 00:00:00 +0000

Slept like a chicken

Mon, 03 Dec 2012 00:00:00 +0000

She who must be obeyed is never short of folk remedies for a variety of ailments. I view all her cures with a deep suspicion. If it hasn’t been recommended by a doctor, or I have not been bombarded with an extensive television advertising campaign featuring unusually attractive women in white coats and a blizzard of graphs; then I am not interested.

My latest problem, slight as it is, is an inability to have a full night’s sleep. This is partly caused by my wife’s current late working hours, which means she returns home when I would normally be tucked up in bed, and then wants to chat and/or play some of her games on the computer. This is known as “winding down” and I do sympathise, albeit with a lot of yawning.

A Sanuk visit

Sat, 01 Dec 2012 00:00:00 +0000

Sanuk boys

Sat, 01 Dec 2012 00:00:00 +0000

A hunt for little things

Fri, 30 Nov 2012 00:00:00 +0000

All the fun of the fair

Thu, 29 Nov 2012 00:00:00 +0000

The boys are back in town

Wed, 28 Nov 2012 00:00:00 +0000

Breakfast yesterday with genuinej where the talk was apparently of golf, although I had no idea what he was on about. His previous outing had featured seven triple bogeys, which sounds like the result of a nasty head cold, but instead is some sort of scoring triumph which the man himself seemed less than pleased about.

Never mind, it was good to see the old chap, and most pleasing to see that he had brought the usual offering of Flakes, Crunchies and Twiglets. There were also some chocolate eggs which Cadbury’s had released for Halloween in a shameless act of commercialism by sticking an ‘S’ in the title and calling them “Screme Eggs”. Personally, I was disgusted by this. We all know that the chocolate egg is a symbol of Christ’s sacrifice on the cross and should, like the holy Easter bunny, be held sacred. Still, they taste damn good so I will put aside my deeply held spiritual convictions just this once.

Just a little bit closer

Tue, 27 Nov 2012 00:00:00 +0000

What’s your definition of a good neighbour? Someone who is always available to lend you a cup of sugar? Someone to keep watch over your property when you are away? Someone who doesn’t party ’till 0300 with what sounds like a herd of nympho elephants on crack? My definition is someone who regularly buys new camera equipment and then immediately lends it to me to play with. Which is why Nik is such an excellent neighbour.

Yesterday, Nik came home with one of these:

*Photo from ePhotozine *

It’s the Olympus ZD 60mm f2.8 macro lens and it’s really rather lovely.

Until this lens came along, your only choice for a native Micro Four Thirds macro lens was the Panasonic Leica 45mm. It’s good, but but it’s expensive, and both Nik and I had gone with a cheaper legacy lens option, the Yashica 55mm; bolted onto our cameras via an adapter.

But along came the Olympus, lighter in weight and just two thirds of the price of the Panasonic offering; and Nik indulged. Then he handed it over to me.

First surprise is that it is so light, and much smaller than I expected (a phrase I have sadly heard before). It’s of plastic construction, but it feels more solid than, say, the Olympus 45mm and the overall impression is of a well-constructed lens. It’s “splash proof” too, although I decided it might be wise not to test out that aspect. Sadly there is no hood; it now seems to be standard Olympus practice to make this necessity a costly extra. Bastards.

To give a further idea of size, here it is with the Olympus 75mm and the Yashica 55mm macro:

Soggy Sunday

Sun, 25 Nov 2012 00:00:00 +0000

Two day tripper

Sat, 24 Nov 2012 00:00:00 +0000

She who must be obeyed had a couple of days off, so we decided on a bijou tripette to Koh Chang. This involves 3-4 hours driving south (time varies with pee and snack stops), followed by a ride on a ferry.

Olympus 15mm body cap lens review

Wed, 21 Nov 2012 00:00:00 +0000

I have sufficient lenses for my GX1 (not that has ever stopped me). But when we were passing a camera shop and my wife was looking for something to purchase for my birthday, this lens seemed like a good thing to point at.

Suspended

Wed, 21 Nov 2012 00:00:00 +0000

Tools of the trade

Tue, 20 Nov 2012 00:00:00 +0000

The resignation of our maid has not only dumped a number of unsavoury tasks in my lap, it has also highlighted outstanding projects which the maid failed to undertake; either because she was a lazy bitch, or because any reasonable person might argue that they fell outside her area of responsibility. But I am not a reasonable person so they are all her fault.

Take my feeble collection of motor racing trophies. Well, the maid certainly didn’t, and they probably have not been cleaned for more than two years. She who must be obeyed opined that this is because I told the maid not to touch them on pain of death; whereas I think the punishment with extreme prejudice threat only related to the nearby 1/8th scale model of a Le Man winning GT40, which even I am only allowed to touch whilst wearing gloves.

Just a trim round the top please

Fri, 16 Nov 2012 00:00:00 +0000

Heart of Darkness

Wed, 14 Nov 2012 00:00:00 +0000

Yesterday, I had to renew my truck insurance. This required the following steps:

Fill in three forms and scan them.
Scan my passport, print the scan, sign the printed document and re-scan it.
Send all four scans to my insurance company by email.

On an average day I reckon this would take me fifteen minutes. Yesterday, it took me all day.

There is a darkness that comes upon me. There is depression and there is apathy. I have to go to the desk and retrieve my passport in order to scan it. That just seems like to much work and instead I just sit, staring at a computer screen or at a wall, or maybe I consume some downloaded media without paying it much attention. Having spent twelve hours doing what should take fifteen minutes, I was exhausted and grumpy and just wanted to sleep.

It's not all champagne and glamour

Sun, 11 Nov 2012 00:00:00 +0000

Off to shoot polo this afternoon and the weather was not at all interested in being co-operative; in fact it pissed it down for more than two hours.

Welcome to Pattaya

Sat, 10 Nov 2012 00:00:00 +0000

General Petraeus flies in for some covert insertions:

Truck wash overdue

Fri, 09 Nov 2012 00:00:00 +0000

Every time I put my truck in for a major service, they wash it. This saves me the trouble and (minimal) expense of arranging to have the thing washed; so it tends to go dirty for up to six months.

I must admit it gets pretty disgusting, both inside and out. The headlights can’t pierce the crust of mud, and the windows appear to have new life forms living on them. Still, I have a service coming up soon so was planning to wait till then. But the attitude of the monkeys at the zoo made me change my mind.

This is disgusting! I am not sullying my paws on this muck:

Lytro camera review

Thu, 08 Nov 2012 00:00:00 +0000

The Lytro camera is the world’s first consumer light field, or plenoptic, camera.

If you want to understand more about the science behind a light field camera, then Google is your friend. For this review it is sufficient for you to know that capturing the light field allows you to choose the focus point for the image after it has been taken. How useful is that? Your answer to that question may help you decide whether a Lytro is worth your money.

So let’s get the money side of things out of the way first. An 8GB model will cost you $399, a 16GB model will cost you $499. The 8GB will hold 350 images, the 16GB holds 750; although the battery may not last long enough for that many shots. It’s a lot of money; but as the only other light field camera on the market (for industrial use) can cost you up to $30,000, you might feel that this is a reasonable price for a neatly packaged chunk of cutting-edge technology. Plus, it comes in a choice of colours which must be worth something.

On first inspection, it looks nothing like a camera:

Zig zag

Wed, 07 Nov 2012 00:00:00 +0000

What? You voted for Romney?

Tue, 06 Nov 2012 00:00:00 +0000

We’re doomed!

Zoo station

Tue, 06 Nov 2012 00:00:00 +0000

A morning trip to Khao Kheow Open Zoo. The hundred baht entrance fee, plus fifty baht per car, is excellent value and we spent several happy hours waiting in vain for animals to strike the required pose. I took the Olympus 75mm and the Panasonic 100-300mm and they both provided good service.

Larking around with a light field

Mon, 05 Nov 2012 00:00:00 +0000

Spacefruit is a man of many qualities, not least of which is his tendency to purchase interesting toys and pass them to me to play with. Yesterday he handed me this:

Imperious

Sat, 03 Nov 2012 00:00:00 +0000

Fun in the sun

Fri, 02 Nov 2012 00:00:00 +0000

During our fruitless quest to find mortar makers in Ang Sila, we stumbled upon a large Chinese temple. The main building had the sun inconveniently sat right behind it, but there were plenty of other bits and pieces to photograph.

The wall

Thu, 01 Nov 2012 00:00:00 +0000

Millions of mortars

Tue, 30 Oct 2012 00:00:00 +0000

Off on a morning trip to Ang Sila with neighbour Nik; our target being the factories that produce mortars and pestles.

It is a fact of life in Asia that any successful business is immediately copied by everyone else in the vicinity; such that you find entire streets selling exactly the same thing. I always feel sorry for the poor sod who set up the first stall selling, say, washing machine spares; only to find that his little money spinner diluted over time as every shop around him starts selling the same pulleys, motors and whatever else goes into making a washing machine.

And so it is in Ang Sila. Many years ago, at the dawn of time, someone decided to make and sell mortars and pestles. They sold well, too well, because in no time at all the whole damn town was selling them.

This way to the Gangnam Style dance classes

Tue, 30 Oct 2012 00:00:00 +0000

Birthdays can fuck off

Mon, 29 Oct 2012 00:00:00 +0000

Yes, it’s the annual reminder that I creep ever closer to death. And I am meant to celebrate?

She who must be obeyed was insistent that she should buy me a present and wanted to know what I wanted. I do have a list, but every item comfortably exceeds her monthly salary, most of which already disappears in support payments to her increasingly lunatic and dysfunctional family. But she was keen to mark the occasion, and we just happened to walking past a camera shop, and they just happened to have this in the window:

Cleaning out my closet

Mon, 29 Oct 2012 00:00:00 +0000

And the pavement.

Light and shadows

Mon, 29 Oct 2012 00:00:00 +0000

And....we're back!

Sat, 27 Oct 2012 00:00:00 +0000

Maid in Thailand

Fri, 26 Oct 2012 00:00:00 +0000

It was 1987 and we had arrived in sunny Kuala Lumpur from rainy Holland. But it was not just the weather that was different. Living and working in an Asian city was massively different from the comfy familiarity of Europe. One of the biggest changes was that our house came equipped with a separate little housing area. Is that for when relatives come to stay? I enquired innocently. No, that’s for the maid.

Across the universe

Thu, 25 Oct 2012 00:00:00 +0000

It will not surprise you to learn that I like to follow the latest gadget stories. Part of each day is spent catching up on the latest releases in the world of cameras, computers and anything I might conceivably want in my life. Anything released that does not have the Spike seal of approval is roundly mocked and cast aside. Objects that are approved are briefly lusted after and then rejected because of cost, or on the basis that “not even Spike can justify owning that”. Only rarely does something pass through this rigorous and scientific evaluation process and end up joining the massive pile of rarely used toys in my collection.

Just another manic Monday

Tue, 23 Oct 2012 00:00:00 +0000

For many, Monday marks the start of the working week and is, as I recall, a time of great depression. But as I arrive at the twilight of my years, the long slow descent into senility and incontinence (Ed: Give it a rest), Mondays are no better or worse than any other day.

Some attempt has been made to return to the horrors of my working life by the chairman of our condo committee who has decided that we will meet every other Monday at 10:00 to regurgitate the same issues we discussed at length at the last meeting. And so I had to drag myself out of bed at the ungodly hour of 09:00 in order to present myself, coffee in hand, for a two hour wankathon. I believe I did myself credit by behaving disgracefully and losing my temper more than twice; with a bit of luck they will sigh with relief when I don’t put myself up for re-election next year.

Still, these Pattaya meetings are as nothing compared to the main committee meetings in Bangkok which take place every two months and exhibit every “how not to run a meeting” trait that you can imagine. The chairwoman is a well-meaning and charming old lady; but she is totally incapable of following what is going on, let alone controlling the discussion. As a result, meetings descend into shouting matches and, as I believe I reported previously, I walked out of the previous one in disgust. Retrospectively, I blamed my raging hormones and have used the same medically unsupportable excuse to avoid the next meeting, which is tomorrow. Hurray for hormones.

Meeting out of the way, it was off to meet she who must be obeyed for lunch. I always enjoy having a meal with my beloved; but it turned out that half of Bangkok had taken advantage of the public holiday today, and had also taken off yesterday in order to concentrate on clogging the streets of Pattaya.

Back home, and I could not bear the prospect of venturing out again to the windsurfing club, even though the wind was blowing. Instead I settled down to the onerous task of setting up torrents to download the various preferred TV programmes from the weekend, and then spent the evening watching many of them.

In between the downloading and the watching, I took a little stroll down the beach and took a few photos, one of which I shared yesterday. Here are three more:

Sunset sales pitch

Mon, 22 Oct 2012 00:00:00 +0000

It's all in the eyes

Sun, 21 Oct 2012 00:00:00 +0000

The road to addiction

Fri, 19 Oct 2012 00:00:00 +0000

I realise that my unbridled enthusiasm for Micro Four Thirds has been indirectly responsible for the ruining of many other wallets, to the extent that if I had been on commission I would have received enough cash from Panasonic and Olympus to buy… well, I suppose another bloody lens.

The latest potential victim is a friend who made the mistake of buying a Canon lower end DSLR with a Tamron lens and now discovers it doesn’t do much more than his old compact cameras in terms of image quality. He is pondering the new Nikon D600 full frame camera, with a suitable lens attached, and very nice that would be too. But he was wondering whether for much less money and bulk, he could join MFT and still get good enough IQ. Only he can decide the answer, my only contribution has been to throw a selection of reviews and image samples in his direction to help him in his decision.

He wants to start with a zoom lens with a range roughly equivalent to a 24-70mm on full frame. He could spend $1,000 plus on the new Panasonic X 12-35mm, but a much cheaper and smaller option would be the Panasonic 14-45mm.

Conditional discharge, a sticky deposit

Thu, 18 Oct 2012 00:00:00 +0000

It’s such a genius idea, it’s a wonder that nobody has thought of it sooner. In this age of celebrity, what could be more appropriate than ladies forking out fifteen thousand pounds to impregnate themselves with the sperm of a famous man.

Yes, it’s FameDaddy, and it’s not a hoax because it has been reviewed by national newspapers (but there again, so was the invasion of Iraq).

The concept is as simple as it is unworkable. Successful men will give up their time and bodily fluids to contribute to a sperm bank. Strangely perverse women will then spend large amounts of money for the frozen sperm. Result: Profit. And children.

Russian on Russian action

Wed, 17 Oct 2012 00:00:00 +0000

Avid readers* of my Russian camera saga will recall that I carried out an exhaustive** trial of the various lenses that had come into my possession following the acquisition of too many Kiev cameras. The winner was the Helios 103, a vision in metal and plastic representing the finest Russian craftsmanship of its time (joke).

The Helios was produced between 1978 and 1984 and was shipped with Kiev rangefinder cameras. Problem was that the quality control on the cameras reached such a low point that entire production runs were sent for scrap, to reappear later as wheelbarrows. So by 1984, the lenses that were being produced had no associated camera, and hundreds (thousands?) of Helios 103 lenses ended up in a warehouse, unloved and forgotten.

But with the resurgence of interest in film cameras, and the medium of eBay, these spare lenses are being dragged out of storage and put up for sale. The going rate is between $25 and $40, and I paid near the upper limit, $39 for a lens with caps, a rather dirty box, and a piece of paper which is worth nothing more than amusement value; although thirty year old Russian paper does have an interesting aroma.

Not my generation

Tue, 16 Oct 2012 00:00:00 +0000

“Is it OK if my sister comes to stay with us for a week?” enquired my wife, the day before said sister was planned to arrive. I could hardly refuse, although I realised that the “us” in her request meant mainly me, because she who must be obeyed spends most of the day in gainful employment, whilst I spend all of mine in gainful sloth.

Little sister is well-behaved and now speaks English well enough; so the visit should be a painless enough experience. But really, what the hell do you do with kids nowadays?

We had a conversation about youth. She wanted to know what mine had been like, with a particular interest being expressed in music. I told her about The Beatles, she had never heard of them. She likes Justin Bieber and One Direction. I tried to explain that The Beatles were like One Direction, except with talent; but that didn’t go down too well. She also wanted to know about my girlfriends, but I suspected that that question had been planted by she who must be obeyed so I advocated celibacy until marriage. That didn’t go down so well either, because she didn’t understand the word ‘celibacy’ and I was not going to be the one to explain it. We didn’t have a conversation about fashion because I am too old to feign interest in things that bore me shitless; and she is too young to feign interest in anything, especially the merits of the micro four thirds camera system, a fascinating subject I tried to raise on a number of occasions.

In desperation, I took her to the place I vowed I would never go to again, Art in Paradise. The good news was that they were now offering the Thai price for non-Thais with driving licences, the bad news was that the place was rammed with parents who also had no idea what to do with their kids during the school holidays. People were queuing, in that very special Asian way that that an Englishman would define as shoving, to photograph each other. It was mayhem, not helped by a power cut and near darkness at one point.

We elbowed our way round the paintings and gathered enough snaps for her to fill her Facebook feed for a couple of days.

Fear of heights

Mon, 15 Oct 2012 00:00:00 +0000

I don’t do heights. I won’t go anywhere near an unguarded significant drop. I climbed up the side of a very steep temple in Bangkok and then refused to come down when I realised I was now on the edge of what appeared, to me, to be a cliff with a sheer drop. Took me an hour of whimpering and scrabbling to eventually make it down.

So I was quite surprised at myself when I volunteered to go up in the gondola at the bungy jump in order to get a couple of photos from on high.

My list of things to do before I die

Sat, 13 Oct 2012 00:00:00 +0000

Does not include this:

Not quite what I intended

Sat, 13 Oct 2012 00:00:00 +0000

I welcome the chance to take the occasional bungy photo; and today seemed like a good opportunity because there was a charity event at Jungle Bungy Jump and there would be plenty of participants.

Rolled up a little early and there was a lack of jumpers, but soon there was a group of very charming little kids who were far more interesting to photograph than some lunatic jumping off a crane.

Tracy Cosgrove set up the Melissa Cosgrove Children’s Foundation more than ten years ago, and since then she has been helping children in Asia in many different ways. She runs an orphanage in Myanmar, care centres in the slums of Bangkok, and labour camp nurseries; one of which is in Pattaya.

Rather than live in primitive conditions while their Cambodian or Burmese parents work on building sites, Tracy boards the children in a house in Pattaya, providing food, clothing and an education for the duration of the parents contracts; typically three years although it is often longer.

It’s noble work and it’s clear that the children adore her.

What do you want?

Sat, 13 Oct 2012 00:00:00 +0000

Three men in a boat

Fri, 12 Oct 2012 00:00:00 +0000

A flash of pussy

Thu, 11 Oct 2012 00:00:00 +0000

Big prick

Wed, 10 Oct 2012 00:00:00 +0000

I neither shake nor move

Wed, 10 Oct 2012 00:00:00 +0000

I have received an exclusive* invitation to a “Movers and Shakers” event:

Obviously I can’t attend, because I am not a mover, I am not a shaker, and I am certainly not both. There again, neither are the people who turn up at these gatherings, although they probably think they are. I’ll admit to being rather suspicious of anyone who is consumed with so much self-importance that they feel they both qualify, and would wish to attend, such an event.

Small pricks

Wed, 10 Oct 2012 00:00:00 +0000

The boredom of existence

Tue, 09 Oct 2012 00:00:00 +0000

No posts over the past couple of days because I have done nothing worth writing about (not that that normally stops me). Having said that…

Finally cleaned up my photos so that I had several thousand fewer shots than I used to have, and all of them were sitting on my primary network drive. All I needed to do was to back up this drive to my second network drive and the job would be complete. Naturally, everything fell apart at this point. After thirty hours of attempting to back up 800GB, a mere 78GB had been backed up and then the job crashed.

Delete delete delete

Sat, 06 Oct 2012 00:00:00 +0000

The prancing pony season is nearly upon us and I need more disk space.

Most of my photos sit on a 1TB network drive, which backs up to another 1TB network drive. Recent shots are held on the computer and moved to the network drives every month or so. Except that hasn’t happened in 2012 because my network drives are almost full.

Have been ignoring the problem for a while (since around March), but last week I decided to do something about it by ordering a new NAS drive complete with a couple of 3TB drives. But there is no current stock of the items I am after, so it is on to plan B, which is to clear out my crap/redundant photos, which take up at least half of my current storage.

So today I sat in Lightroom and deleted thousands of photos, at least one of which I will no doubt decide I want to access tomorrow. Seven thousand bike shots were culled, which still left about a thousand of the best (which is enough bike shots for a lifetime); and all non-special polo shots prior to the 2010 season went in the trash can. Got as far as ‘S’ in my main library before I decided I had had enough photo deletion for one day.

On my way through I found this, taken seven years ago:

A blessing on you all

Fri, 05 Oct 2012 00:00:00 +0000

Took a walk with the Kiev this afternoon, and brought along the GX1 with the Lensbaby as an accompaniment.

Guanyin sits in a little park not far from the Pratumnak lookout, and she always welcomes some photographic attention as she faces the setting sun. I like this shot because the Lensbaby blurring gives an ethereal touch to the extremities of the statue.

Dozing

Fri, 05 Oct 2012 00:00:00 +0000

Jim'll fiddle with it

Thu, 04 Oct 2012 00:00:00 +0000

One of the less endearing characteristics of the British character is our love of self-righteous indignation. Give us something to go “tut tut” about, and we are content.

Which can be the only explanation for the massive coverage given to a fifteen year old student and her teacher who ran away to France together last week. Would make for a rather romantic story if the girl had been sixteen or over. but she was fifteen; and was therefore classified as a child. This meant that her rather foolish boyfriend was classified as a child-molesting creep who had “groomed” the girl into running away with him. Oh, and he was married, which gave the story an extra salacious twist; the bounder!

Under a blood red sky

Thu, 04 Oct 2012 00:00:00 +0000

Beautiful day today; blue skies and fluffy clouds, with no sign of tropical storm Gaemi which is on the way.

Thought I should take advantage of the weather and headed out for an afternoon of shooting; only to arrive at my first location to discover I had left the camera battery on charge at home. Well done me.

My only shot of the day is another unnecessary sunset; but it was a good sunset and there was a convenient fishing boat in the way.

Strong medicine

Wed, 03 Oct 2012 00:00:00 +0000

Included in my list of many afflictions over the years has been sinusitis. This was a particular problem when I went diving, requiring the ingestion of pills known as “diver’s chocolates” before each dive, to ensure my nasal passages could cope.

Has not been a problem recently, but last week I went for an SUP paddle on a afternoon when there were massive waves breaking more than head high, and storm warnings to shipping in effect. Well, not really, but there was a bit of a swell and I fell off the board several times and Mr. Gravity ensured that I was inserted into the Gulf of Thailand at a speed sufficient to send a mixture of Russian pee and boat oil (with a small amount of sea water) straight up my nose and into my nasal cavities where it festered for a few hours before signalling its residence with a throbbing pain above the eyes.

Most unpleasant, and even though it subsided after a few days, I can still feel a certain evil presence lingering in my sinuses which I wish I could dispel. I mentioned this to the owner of the windsurfing club and she said she had had major sinus problems for many years, but had found a cure; apple cider! She said something about it not tasting very good and just putting a small amount every day on her food; but I was already on my way to the shops.

I have happy memories, and memories of having no memory, of cider drinking summer days in the UK. Light, refreshing and sometimes potent, how could something so pleasing be a cure for anything? This was good news indeed and I resolved to immediately cure my sinus problem with a massive dose of medicinal cider.

Off to the local mall and all I could find on the shelf, at a depressingly high price, was this:

Sunset fronds

Wed, 03 Oct 2012 00:00:00 +0000

The world doesn’t need any more sunset shots; but I quite liked this. Olympus 75mm F1.8 as usual.

Life's a blur

Mon, 01 Oct 2012 00:00:00 +0000

Sat down this morning to edit some shots I took at the windsurfing club a couple of weeks ago.

The early part of the session had seen reasonable wind, so I used the 300mm lens on the Canon, with a 1.4 extender to give me 420mm and took a few jump shots at 1/1000th second.

Somewhat ill-behaved ungulates

Mon, 01 Oct 2012 00:00:00 +0000

Or as Rovio call them, “Bad Piggies”.

The title is somewhat unfortunate, inferring some mindless pastime for infants, when in fact it is a challenging delight for infants of all age groups. But they had to reference pigs in the title because this is the spiritual follow up to the ultra-successful Angry Birds.

Angry Birds has been around for nearly three years and has been downloaded over a billion times. Apart from the original game, there has been Angry Birds Rio, Angry Birds Seasons and Angry Birds Space; and each of the games has been subject to regular updates over the years. The objective of each puzzle in the game is to catapult birds into structures and thereby terminate pigs with extreme prejudice. Assuming all pigs have been destroyed, you will earn up to three stars depending on how many points you accumulate in the process.

A night of inspirre, and theft

Sun, 30 Sep 2012 00:00:00 +0000

Having breakfast with my beloved and she points to an abandoned poster out on the street. “That looks like your photo” she suggests, and indeed it does.

This was my photo, included in a post in March of this year:

Hand in hand

Sat, 29 Sep 2012 00:00:00 +0000

Safe spots

Sat, 29 Sep 2012 00:00:00 +0000

Prague has just announced that it will set up an area of the city which will be free from the plague. Visitors can rest assured that, within this area, there is no chance of them catching the plague. Prague is now wondering why its tourist arrivals have suddenly dropped.

Not true of course, but Pattaya has just announced a similarly themed guarantee of tourist numbers suicide; safety zones.

A number of “safety zones” are to be established around the city, the first of which is Walking Street. The idea might be commendable, but to potential tourists around the world the message will be that Pattaya is so dangerous that it has had to establish safe areas for tourists. Step outside one of these areas and you are likely to be met with a hail of bullets and a shower of ladyboys intent on mischief (the latter is actually likely). Now, do you still want to book that holiday?

Dirty room

Thu, 27 Sep 2012 00:00:00 +0000

Every Go-Go bar needs one of these….

Seeking the sharpest Russian

Thu, 27 Sep 2012 00:00:00 +0000

My acquisition of assorted Russian cameras has resulted in a collection of assorted Russian lenses.

Grand Prix somewhere

Wed, 26 Sep 2012 00:00:00 +0000

Singapore is not a place I would chose to reside; but after twenty five years of living in other Asian countries, coping with varying levels of organisational chaos, I have often enjoyed a few days luxuriating in Singapore where everything pretty much works the way you expect it to.

So when they announced they would run a Formula 1 race around the streets of the city, I was fully confident they could pull it off; and of course they did. The Singapore Grand Prix is one of the best organised and well-liked in the season.

Statue

Wed, 26 Sep 2012 00:00:00 +0000

I have seen the future, and its name is the RX1

Tue, 25 Sep 2012 00:00:00 +0000

Warning, this is a rant about cameras; so if you have no interest in cameras, or rants, please waste no more of your valuable time.

After Photokina two years ago I penned a piece of no consequence entitled “I have seen the future, and it has no mirror”.

To the extent it offered any themes, they were that: Sony was innovating, Canon and Nikon were not, and that the long term future for consumer cameras was mirrorless.

Missing you

Sat, 22 Sep 2012 00:00:00 +0000

Just watched qualifying for the Singapore Grand Prix, and wishing I had hopped on a plane to enjoy the atmosphere. In consolation, dragged out a shot of pole winner Lewis Hamilton that I took when I attended the race three years ago.

Fun with fatal hallucinogenics

Fri, 21 Sep 2012 00:00:00 +0000

We like to think that our condo maintains a certain standard. There was much tutting a couple of years ago when an owner shacked up with a young lady who, had she come from Aberdeen, would have worked as a fish gutter. One day, when her displeasure was invoked, she retaliated by swearing loudly and throwing objects out of his condo where they came to rest in the swimming pool. It was like a debris scene from the Titanic, but with more packet noodles. As tempers rose, a samurai sword was drawn and the police were called. Quiet words were had by members of the committee and the lady concerned left the condo, never to be seen again.

And so I shudder to think what my fellow committtee members would have made of my behaviour last night as I stood on my back balcony clad only in T-shirt and underpants (slightly holed), yelling “I am an artist!”; with one hand holding a drugged but still startled cat, and the other wiping my mouth; cleaning up following an inadvertent projectile vomiting episode which had been shared with a family of passing Russian tourists beneath. Shouting “a present from my country” seemed to have done nothing to lighten their mood.

As is always the case, it wasn’t my fault. If I had to blame anyone, and I usually like to spread the blame as wide as possible, I will blame Craig from the windsurfing club.

Yesterday was she who must be obeyed’s day off and we planned to go SUP paddling in the afternoon. On the way to the club we stopped for lunch and noticed Craig loitering in a nearby cake shop. Arriving at the club, it was therefore of no surprise to find no Craig, in fact no anybody; which made it rather hard for us to rent an SUP for SWMBO. So, no SUP, but on the grass at the club there was a grand collection of mushrooms.

iPhone

My wife is an expert at eating and can tell you immediately if something can be eaten (almost everything apparently). She told me, with real sadness in her voice, that we could not eat these mushrooms. Or rather, we could eat these mushrooms if we wanted to experience the twin joys of liver and kidney failure accompanied by the life changing experience of an agonising death.

I am less of an expert at eating; but I do know what I fancy photographing, and I fancied photographing these morsels of doom. So we scooped some up and placed them in a plastic bag to bring home. I placed them behind the seats in the truck. She who must be obeyed was having none of that and tied them up at the back of the truck, as far from us as possible; “otherwise they will give off sperm (I think she meant ‘spores’) and the smell will make us feel ill.” Yeah, right.

Back home and I rigged up a bright light, sat a mushroom on it, and clicked away. The heat of the light made the mushroom give off a bit of a smell, but never mind.

Half an hour later I had a headache and was feeling decidedly unwell, as was my wife. The cats were snoring as usual, but could not be roused with the usual poke. Oh dear.

So I put all the mushrooms back in the bag, sealed it with tape, and threw it away. Then we both took a shower and changed our clothes; but it was too late. My limbs showed little interest in doing what my befuddled brain thought they should be doing. My left arm in particular was on strike. I felt clear headed, but also felt the need to say ridiculous things and giggle stupidly afterwards (this morning my wife said she never noticed that symptom because I am always saying stupid things and giggling). I thought I should do something to help wake up the cats so, in spite of a rising nausea, I plucked one from its somnolent state and waved it around in the clear air on the balcony whilst considering how many more photos of the mushroom I could have taken if it had not decided to try and kill me. It was around this time that I vomited on the tourists.

Later in the evening the world steadied, and while my wife gawped at the final episode of The Apprentice (months after it aired) and watched a shortlist of wankers being narrowed down to a single wanker by one of the world’s biggest wankers, I pushed one of the shots through Topaz Effects, clicked presets at random and came up with the image I posted yesterday. I was very pleased with it and was tempted to go and repeat my “I am an artist” performance on the balcony; but the cats were hiding and I was clean out of vomit.

Slept fitfully but normal service has been restored this morning. There is a sticky outstanding clinging to the balcony rail, but will let the maid deal with that; I will tell her the sword wielding fishwife is back and up to her old tricks.

Below is the original shot, before I subjected it to Topaz, and some other attempts. I have a rough recollection that I used a camera and a couple of lenses; but other than that I have little recall of how I took them. My next project is to photograph a pit viper. After the shoot, I am reliably informed we can eat it.

Piledriver

Thu, 20 Sep 2012 00:00:00 +0000

Cosplay continued

Wed, 19 Sep 2012 00:00:00 +0000

Heart of glass

Tue, 18 Sep 2012 00:00:00 +0000

Camera Gear Wankathon

Mon, 17 Sep 2012 00:00:00 +0000

Tomorrow sees the start of the biennial Photokina show in Cologne. As anyone with even a basic knowledge of German knows, Photokina translates as “Camera Gear Wankathon”, and all the major players announce new toys in the hope of attracting extra media attention.

I already feel the stirrings of an ill-informed, opinionated treatise on the current state of the industry; so be ready to ignore that. But in the meantime, those of you with an interest in Micro Four Thirds may want to check out the latest releases from Panasonic and Olympus.

Glandular anarchy

Mon, 17 Sep 2012 00:00:00 +0000

A visit to my doctor in Bangkok this morning where we study the results of my blood test and have a good laugh.

After at least ten years of an easy life, my pituitary gland has now fully woken up to the fact that my thyroid gland is not doing what it should. What the pituitary would like to do is shout “Oi you! Thyroid! Produce more hormones, you useless, lazy fucker!” In the absence of shouting equipment, it achieves the same end by throwing out Thyroid Stimulating Hormone (TSH) which is intended to tell the thyroid to produce more hormones.

Local Cosplay

Sun, 16 Sep 2012 00:00:00 +0000

Blue bike

Sat, 15 Sep 2012 00:00:00 +0000

What if you get run over by a bus? Part two

Sat, 15 Sep 2012 00:00:00 +0000

Our visit to Bangkok started well enough. Arriving in the early evening, we decided to take a trip to the latest fad location, Asiatique on the river.

Bored

Thu, 13 Sep 2012 00:00:00 +0000

What if you get run over by a bus?

Thu, 13 Sep 2012 00:00:00 +0000

As you can imagine, I was an angelic child who never gave my parents the slightest moment of concern. Consequently, my mother took it upon herself to worry about trivialities, one of which was the state of my underpants.

I had a tendency to wear them even after they had developed holes (which I still do), and I had a tendency to wear them for longer than I should (which I no longer do). She worried about this.

Away

Wed, 12 Sep 2012 00:00:00 +0000

She who must be obeyed is off to Bangkok for a seminar for a couple of days; so I am going too (not to the seminar which is something to do with safety, and I know all that shit). Back on Saturday and then off to Bangkok again on Sunday in preparation for a doctor’s appointment on Monday.

Expect no posts for a few days. But I am taking a camera with me so expect a shitload of shots when I get back.

Not the female beach wrestling show

Tue, 11 Sep 2012 00:00:00 +0000

The timetable was specific.

Yesterday was the beach wrestling for men, and today was the day for beach wrestling for women. The location was the Ambassador hotel, so I rolled up there on time with the editor of Patttaydaze in tow; both of us looking forward to capturing some hardcore woman on woman action for our expectant readers.

The Ambassador hotel is a monster of a place, built many years ago and not obviously maintained much since then. Temporary home to desperate tour groups who find themselves miles from civilisation.

A brown and sticky development

Mon, 10 Sep 2012 00:00:00 +0000

The great coffee project was conceived some weeks ago, and the necessary film (capturing a few shots of coffee shops and many shots of other things,long since forgotten), had been passed through a camera. What was needed was a day to develop the film, and yesterday was the day.

The enterprise required three ingredients: Instant coffee, Vitamin C and Washing Soda. I assumed the last would be the most difficult to obtain given the endless complaining on relevant forums, but a quick visit to the swimming pool pump room in our condo revealed big bags of Na2Co3, which anyone with any chemistry knowledge, or access to Google on their phone while standing in a pool room, will tell you is Sodium Carbonate, a.k.a. Soda Ash, a.k.a Washing Soda.

Of course, being a member of the condo committee, it would be completely inappropriate for me to abscond with a tub full of the precious powder, at least not when anyone was looking. So that was the Washing Soda sorted.

Next it was off to a local shop to find the most awful instant coffee. All instant coffee is awful, but Caffenol experts recommend choosing the most vile product you can find as it is likely to include assorted chemicals which have the twin properties of aiding film development and removing the skin from your tongue should you be foolish enough to try and pretend it is actually coffee.

There were a couple of Thai brands that looked promising, but their ingredients included not only a semblance of coffee, but also milk and lashings of sugar; not at all what I was after. In the end I went with Nescafe Red Cup on the basis that it was the cheapest that seemed to only contain coffee; although the packet shouted that it had “enhanced recovery aroma!”, which was marketing speak for “has extra chemicals added!”.

Just the Vitamin C to purchase, so it was off to the holy grail of medications, the Fascino Pharmacy shop, a vault of a place that will sell you everything from a bed, to a bed pan, to a pair of operating room scissors that I have found ideal for dealing with an ingrowing toenail.

I went to the this shop, because I was after more than just a bottle of Vitamin C pills, I wanted the pure powder.

Hello, do you have any Vitamin C powder?

I don’t think we have, how about some Vitamin C pills?

No good, they might contain extra ingredients that aid digestion, or add colouring, or make them taste yummy.

I see (she didn’t, and was looking slightly nervous).

I just want pure asorbic acid powder.

We don’t have that (said too quickly, I want this man to leave).

That’s a shame.

How about these pills? Is 500mg OK?

If I have to take pills, I will just grind them up into powder.

By this time I think she was convinced that powdered asorbic acid was a prime ingredient in bomb making, so she was happy when I settled for a bottle of what appeared to be reasonably pure Vitamin C pills.

Likely being tracked by the CIA, I headed home and inspected my purchases/theft:

Wrestling with a problem

Sun, 09 Sep 2012 00:00:00 +0000

Whatever your opinions of whoever runs Pattaya; they should be applauded for the wide variety of events they manage to attract here; even if you only find out about most of them a couple of weeks after they are finished.

This week, Pattaya has hosted the World Junior Wrestling Championships, and they are running until tomorrow at the stadium in Soi Chayapruk if you want to go and watch. I went today and had a couple of problems.

Firstly, the lighting was appalling for photography, so I was shooting at ISO 2000 and up. Secondly, several hundred sweaty male wrestlers in one place are a bit smelly, and their supporting teams are not much better. Five minutes of the Bulgarian squad screaming instructions to their man, only inches from my left ear and nostril, was like a lifetime in any other universe.

Anyway, a few photos, all with the Panasonic GX1 with the Olympus 75mm lens:

STOP SHOUTING!

Sat, 08 Sep 2012 00:00:00 +0000

Went I started this humble enterprise, I was fairly sure I was going to have to deal with my share of the arseholes who frequent the wide wide world of web.

But the actual experience has been much more positive than expected. Sure, there have been the spammers, but the tools in Wordpress have taken care of almost all of those, more than 105,000 spam comments to date. I just pop into the spam folder every so often and mass-delete. But apart from the feeble spam dicks, most of the comments on this site have been a fun addition to whatever nonsense I have chosen to share. And to those who do comment, a very small percentage of visitors, thank you; I love you all.

Air play

Fri, 07 Sep 2012 00:00:00 +0000

Yellow, with wheels on

Fri, 07 Sep 2012 00:00:00 +0000

Blue moons

Thu, 06 Sep 2012 00:00:00 +0000

Been feeling a little shabby the last couple of days. Feared an onset of the feared man-flu, but seem to be recovering today. The day celebrated by pissing it down, making surfing or street photography out of the question; so I settled down with a couple of shells that Nik had given me.

Couldn’t get a light inside them, so decided to light from the side and have some coloured lights behind.

Tried it with a lot of lights, tried it with swinging the lights, in the end I decided it was best with just a small number of lights in the background.

Pattaya whorl

Tue, 04 Sep 2012 00:00:00 +0000

Title designed to attract dyslexic mongers. Met this beauty on the beach and took her home. I washed out her insides with boiling water and shone a light up her. I understand this to be standard practice.

Waste of an afternoon

Tue, 04 Sep 2012 00:00:00 +0000

A little while ago I took some photos of an amethyst.

The son made a comment that this shot had some potential, if I could get rid of the background and just show the green crystals:

Blame it on the food

Mon, 03 Sep 2012 00:00:00 +0000

The plan for this evening was to have a meal and then take a wander with the GX1 and Olympus 75mm, a combination I have yet to try out after dark.

The plan rather fell apart when I chose to eat at what must be one of the best Thai restaurants in Pattaya. The food is reasonable and the taste is just superb. It’s a well-kept secret, but one that is becoming increasingly well-known, so you can wait a while to eat, provided you can find a seat. But there was a spare table for me and the usual prompt service in terms of delivering me a cold beer and a menu. Order placed, I prepared to wait.

Forty minutes later I still had not eaten and vowed I really wouldn’t come again unless they are quiet. Forty five minutes later and my food had arrived and I decided I would like to eat there every evening and never mind the waiting; it’s worth it.

No, I am not telling you where it is, but it might make for a good place to eat at the great Grant/Spanky/Spike get-together. Given the prices, I might even offer to pay.

Unfortunately, once I had finished eating, I realised it was less than an hour before the car park closed. Given the limited time available, I was not going to bother with taking any photos; but in the end I had a little walk.

All the below were taken within half an hour with the GX1 and Olympus 75mm at F1.8 in varying levels of darkness, ISO up to 3200. Black & white are JPEGs produced by the camera, colour shots are from RAW. Spent less time processing them than I did taking them, want to get this post done so I can finish it before she who must be obeyed returns from work and needs a cuddle.

A tale of four water parks

Sun, 02 Sep 2012 00:00:00 +0000

With acknowledgements to Pattaya Unlimited for a reminder that this subject is ready for an update.

Water park Number 1

It all started on December 12th 1998 with the launch party for The Beaches; which included Asia’s most technologically advanced water-park to be constructed by WhiteWater West Industries. The scope of the 9 billion baht development to the south of Pattaya was stunning, easily the highest profile development Pattaya had ever seen:

“A 300-room, 5-star condominium resort project will combine the beach cultures of the Mediterranean, North and South America and Thailand in a 30-acre waterscape. Within one venue, it will combine a grand palace as its flagship hotel, two other 5-star international hotels, a boutique hotel with Maldives-inspired water villas, three man-made beaches, three lagoons, Asia’s most technologically advanced water-park, all-adult and family pools, a state-of-the-art fitness centre and tennis academy, a wellness and longevity spa, a hi-tech conference, meeting and convention centre and the kilometre-long Grande Promenade, sporting 20 themed gourmet and casual restaurants, nestling in miles of picturesque, landscaped gardens.”

The developer was Pacific Shore Developments, and their CEO, Mr. Liakat Dhanji who, “when asked about the origin of his finances, said that he is essentially self-funding, though will have some support and sponsorship from HSBC.”

The abundance of funding was reinforced by another local newspaper which stated “This will be a mammoth World Class Destination, employing around 6,000 permanent staff, so Pattaya and the whole Province of Chonburi, has much to gain when such a project comes on line around 2012, and despite what any detractors may think, with such a highly capitalized company group, The Beaches are here to stay.”

(Quotes from Pattaya Daily News and The Pattaya Times).

With typical triviality, Pattaya Days showed no interest in the magnificent scope of this enterprise, and instead decided instead to bitch about a rather lax cartographic approach as reflected the map in the sales brochure. The post signed off with: “The Beaches appears to be an ambitious, quality development. But if they can’t even be honest about the location……” which turned out to be somewhat prophetic when the vice president of the project, George Morgan allegedly absconded with in excess of 100 million baht of investor deposits in June 2009.

Unusually for a local paper, Pattaya Daily News covered this story in some detail, and also asked the CEO, Mr. Liakat Dhanji about the status of the project because, six months on from announcement, nothing appeared to be happening. Mr. Dhanji stated that “rather than starting to build the hotels first, which had been held up at the bureaucratic level due to constant changes in the EIA (Environmental Impact Assessment) regulations, the order of construction was going to start with the building of the Water Theme Park, which he assured us is due to start at the end of July or early August 2009”. This was strange, because six months earlier The Pattaya Times reported “Currently, Liakat Dhanji is working with the local authorities and municipalities on The Beaches master plan, and just for the record, this project meets all their EIA and design requirements.”

Presumably the EIA issues remain outstanding, because The Beaches isn’t quite finished yet to the extent that it hasn’t quite started yet. You can get more information on the project from The Beaches website (don’t bother), or from the developer Pacific Shore Developments at their website (don’t bother).

The Beaches was scheduled for completion in Q1 2012.

Just as an aside, you would have thought that the apparent failure of a massive, 9 billion baht project which was launched with huge publicity, would have been subject to some follow-up and comment from the local, or even national, press. But other than the piece by Pattaya Daily News at the time of the deposit theft scandal; nothing.

Water park Number 2

It all started in July 2010 with the announcement of the Amazon Falls Waterpark, to be built by WhiteWater West Industries on part of The Beaches site. “From the start, we set out to build the best waterpark in Asia,” says Liakat Dhanji, CEO of Amazon Falls Co. Ltd".

The press release stated that “Amazon Falls will open in December 2010”, which seemed rather ambitious what with needing to get EIAs approved etc. and indeed a progress report on Pattaya Days in November 2011 showed completion was a some way off.

A significant anniversary

Sat, 01 Sep 2012 00:00:00 +0000

Three years ago today*, Panasonic introduced the GF1.

*Yes, pedants, most press releases were on Sept 2nd, but the first announcement was Sept 1st.

It wasn’t the first micro four thirds camera, but it was probably the first to capture the imagination of keen amateurs. Prior to that there had been the Panasonic G1 and GH1, fine cameras but not really micro enough. Then there was the Olympus EP-1, a cute fashion statement and a good enough machine; but the focus was a little slow and the supplied lens was nothing special.

Then along came the GF1. Small, fast, configurable; and with a couple of cracking lenses. There was a 20mm F1.7 lens, and a 14-45mm F3.5-F5.6 lens. The 20mm lens is still sought after as a must-have for the system, and although there have been six subsequent kit zoom lenses by Panasonic and Olympus (all 14-42mm), the 14-45mm remains the preferred lens in terms of quality of construction and optics. A fantastic combination of camera and lenses and sales went through the roof, such that it was very hard to find them until later in the year.

I found mine in Singapore on the 15th December 2009. I believe I had sold the trip to she who must be obeyed on the basis of “seeing the lights”; but once there I dumped her in a shoe shop and scoured the island for a GF1 kit with both lenses. Found it in the afternoon and spent a couple of frustrating hours dodging the pouring rain trying to get shots, before repairing to the Long Bar at Raffles for free peanuts, expensive drinks and a chance to take a photo.

What a difference a year makes

Fri, 31 Aug 2012 00:00:00 +0000

Last August, 5,527 souls stumbled onto this site; most searching for Pattaya Pussy and being disappointed. This August, the total currently stands at 23,518, which is a ridiculous figure for something so inconsequential.

Spike, the racing years - part two

Thu, 30 Aug 2012 00:00:00 +0000

By way of introduction, those who have not already done so are invited to partake of part one of the saga, in which our hero builds an assortment of cars and tries to race them. After which:

Having had a reasonably successful year campaigning a road car, I was ready to step up to the world of real racing cars, but what type to buy? Having previously driven a Lotus 7, and a Lotus 7 rip-off, it seemed logical to move into Clubmans. Started in 1965, and still active today, Clubmans initially catered for people who wanted to convert their Lotus 7 into a racing car, or those who were mad and skilled enough to build their own machine.

The rules were simple enough. Front engine, rear wheeled drive, and the beast had to be wide enough to theoretically hold two people, although the passenger area was typically covered in and full of tubing. Most popular, and most expensive, were the cars from Mallock, this example is a Mk 18 from the mid-1970s, still running in classic events:

Another stupid challenge

Tue, 28 Aug 2012 00:00:00 +0000

As a clear indicator of our pointless lives, neighbour Nik and I pass each other objects on a regular basis with the detailed instruction “have a go at this then”. The object in question is invariably a complete bastard to photograph.

It all started, as many things do, with a wine glass. How do you photograph a wine glass without capturing unwanted reflections? The answer, courtesy of a book called Light, Science and Magic, turned out to be very complicated.

From there it has been downhill, and anything remotely reflective has been passed between us with thinly disguised sneers, indicating a certainty that this latest offering will defeat all attempts to avoid unwanted reflections.

A couple of days ago I received this from Nik:

Bit of a breakthrough

Sun, 26 Aug 2012 00:00:00 +0000

Almost seven weeks since I made my pledge to attend the windsurfing club at least three times a week, and I am pleased to say that I have fulfilled the conditions every week, apart from this one where I have only been twice so far. But it was agreed (by me) that four hours walking round Chinatown qualifies as an alternative to a visit to the club, but I might go sailing tomorrow anyway, just to ensure that the presiding committtee (my conscience) can’t raise any objections.

It hasn’t always been easy. There have been afternoons when there has been no wind and it has either been stinking hot or raining; and the last thing I have felt like doing is driving all the way to the club and then paddling a SUP for an hour down to the marina and back, in waters that are currently containing more than their share of jellyfish. But I have found myself doing it, because of the pledge I made.

Yesterday was the day I realised I had made something of a breakthrough, helped in no small part by this:

Shopping break

Sat, 25 Aug 2012 00:00:00 +0000

Chinatown stroll

Fri, 24 Aug 2012 00:00:00 +0000

Some more shots from my walk through Chinatown in Bangkok. All taken with the Olympus 75mm lens, which is great for capturing people; but maybe less good for capturing a sense of place; although hopefully some of these do both.

Typical small business owner, watching over his employees and ready to do a deal. Striped shirt optional:

Faith restored

Thu, 23 Aug 2012 00:00:00 +0000

To Bangkok, where I am to attend a meeting of our condo committee. It could be a very pleasant affair, if it were not for one member who is a complete arsehole. He attempts to get his way by shouting abuse at everyone, and the other Thais on the committee, who are all ladies, are too shocked and humiliated to face up to him; leaving the farangs to argue the case.

All very tiring, and this state of affairs has been going on for months. This week I decided I had better things to do with my life and walked out of the meeting.

Feeling generally pissed off, I went for a walk into Chinatown. Stood near the main train station studying a map, and a tuk-tuk stopped next to me. Just what I needed, someone else to annoy me and an attempt to rip me off. Surprisingly, no. He offered to show me directions to my destination; then explained it was his day off and he just liked to take his tuk-tuk for little drives; but not too far because the engine became too hot. He was very smartly dressed and admitted to being a bit of a playboy. He was certainly a bit of a chatty chap and it was hard to get away, although we eventually parted with firm handshakes, by which time I had forgotten the directions he had given me.

Turned out to be a good thing, because I ended up walking down small sois in an area which appeared to be dedicated to the storage and distribution of metal bars. Work spilled onto the pavement and I had to walk round all manner of industry to make any progress.

Wide boys

Tue, 21 Aug 2012 00:00:00 +0000

There are now thirty two lenses available for the micro four thirds system, with more on the way in time for Photokina next month. Plus there are hundreds of other lenses that you can use in conjunction with an adapter. That’s a lot of lenses, enough for anyone to create a collection that matches their needs, wallet and camera bag volume. Contrary to she who must be obeyed’s assertions, I don’t own the full set, and deciding which lenses to choose for my collection has been an interesting process (for me).

Fan Art

Mon, 20 Aug 2012 00:00:00 +0000

Thanks Jason. I think.

Gangnam Style!

Mon, 20 Aug 2012 00:00:00 +0000

We all worry about our children. At least, I know I did.

As The Son lay in his cot, talking bollocks and filling his nappy, my first concern was “hope his mother arrives soon to change it”; but then I thought about him growing up. Would he become an accountant with a mortgage and responsibilities and a heart bursting with civic pride, or would he end up on the floor of a Bolivian brothel surrounded by crack whores whilst being sought by police in five countries. As he grew up, I must admit I sometimes wondered which of those two outcomes I would prefer for myself, let alone him; but in the end all we can hope for our kids is that they remain healthy and find a sort of happiness in this fucked up version of reality we are condemned to dwell within for an approximate number of years.

Heads

Sun, 19 Aug 2012 00:00:00 +0000

Uptown girl

Sat, 18 Aug 2012 00:00:00 +0000

She who must be obeyed takes her job of managing me very seriously. It’s an uphill struggle, a fight against the combined evils of ageing and apathy.

She likes me to smell fresh and I have no trouble with that; even if I am returned to the bathroom for a second attempt when my face smells like cheese, even if I haven’t eaten any cheese. She likes me to dress well, which is in direct conflict with my standard attire of jeans and T-shirt; but at least she buys my T-shirts. She doesn’t buy my underwear which is probably why there are holes where there shouldn’t be.

A constant irritation for her is my facial hair. She can sit me in a chair and attack the hair on my head occasionally, but the hair on my face needs more regular attention which of course I frequently ignore.

Yesterday we were heading out and she looked at me disapprovingly.

If I stand back and look at you, you look like a….a…..a wizard.

What, you mean someone clever and devious with a jaunty hat and long magic stick?

No, just a crap wizard.

There then followed an entreaty that I should remove my facial hair entirely; but this is a bad idea because I may look like a crap wizard now, but I look like something even crappier if all my face is revealed. Which is why for most of my post-pubescent life, I have kept my face partially covered, except for once.

I was working in Bangkok, and for the first and last time in my life I found myself a member of the management team. Most of the other members of the team, and the managing director, were engineers of some sort; so my back-office responsibilities were tolerated as mere supporters of the more important task of sucking oil out of the ground. Still, they were a good bunch and we worked well together and had a load more fun than management teams are probably meant to have. I like to think I was an important instigator of the fun element, to the extent I was once reminded by the MD that I was meant to be employed for more than my entertainment value. High praise indeed!

One of the company traditions was the end of year party, and one of the traditions of that party (started by the boss who fancied himself as a bit of a showman) was a show by the management team. Being Thailand, we were expected to make dicks of ourselves without losing the respect we were due, which was a fine balance, and I expect we strayed into the making dicks of ourselves segment more often than we should.

Still, the previous year had been a success, and we were planning what we should do for the current year. For reasons I forget, the consensus was that we would mime to Billy Joel’s Uptown Girl, an idea that seemed totally lacking in comedic possibilities; until I suggested that one of us should come on the stage as the uptown girl. This was immediately seized upon as a great idea and everyone looked at me and I felt very proud of myself until I realised why they were looking at me.

“No, no, no. Not me. I have a beard, wouldn’t work on an uptown girl.” “Shave it off”, said the drilling manager who was big and Dutch and scary.

“Good”, said the boss, “that’s decided then”. Even though it wasn’t. Shit.

The Thais in our company were bloody good at organising things. Example: at the end of my time there we sold the company and my IT division had two weeks to completely dismantle the IT infrastructure installed by the old owner and replace it with something new for the new owner. I really doubted this could be done in the time available; but they came up with a plan which filled every one of the fourteen days, and they did it; albeit by filling some days with all 24 hours. Heroes.

So imagine how well they could plan something which involved lots of food and endless sanuk?

Once my role was made known to the secret party planning committee, I was taken under their wing and trasnported to a place in Bangkok that hired party dresses, no questions asked as to the sex of the renter. I was exceedingly embarrassed to enter such a place, but I need not have worried; every single customer trying on a dress during their lunch break was a man preparing for their company’s end of year party.

Dress selected (and matching high-heeled shoes and god knows what else), I turned up for the party, face hair intact. About one hour before our show, I left the main room and headed for a secluded toilet. Moment of truth, and before too long my beard and moustache had been transferred from my face to the sink and I suddenly didn’t recognise myself. No time to scream; because I was then put under the enthusiastic care of a bunch of ladyboys who took great delight in layering several inches of make-up onto my resigned face. Finally the transformation was complete and I was ejected onto the stage in a flurry of lace and a stumble of high heels.

Make mine a double

Fri, 17 Aug 2012 00:00:00 +0000

Picked up the Lomo photos from the shop last night and they were at considerably less crap than expected. In fact they were less crap than I hoped, I thought that the whole point of Lomography was to to produce shit photos and pretend they were art.

She who must be obeyed was quite enthused and was off this morning to find another film and a battery for her camera flash. I spent time scanning some of the shots so she can share them online.

I may have neglected to mention that when I bought a Lomo for my wife for her birthday, I got a bit carried away in the shop and ended up with two cameras… After all, if she is going Lomo shooting, she is going to want company; and that is my excuse. And so it was I found myself with three cameras round my neck yesterday; the Panasonic GX1, my Kiev film camera which had a roll to finish, and a Lomo.

A Lomo is fun to shoot with. It’s all plastic so it weighs very little. Bugger all to set other than the distance scale, for which there are limited options. Then just shoot and hope something works. One of the extra features I wanted to play with was the ability to take two shots on a single frame. Take the first shot, then press a lever on the bottom of the camera and you can take a second shot (or a third) without winding on the film. To be successful, you need to think about what you want to achieve and make sure you arrange light and dark areas so the right pieces of each shot shine through. Which means most of my attempts were a crazy mess; but this one gives an idea.

Batman, with tits

Thu, 16 Aug 2012 00:00:00 +0000

She who must be obeyed started her weekend today and announced she wanted to go and try out her new Lomo camera. This sudden enthusiasm was in no way related to the constant nagging she has been receiving from me (“don’t you like your present?”, “when are you going to use that camera I bought you?”, “if you loved me, you’d use it”).

Luckily, we had a new place to go. Kwan, owner of the RC car racing track, has spent the last few months eating less and working out more and has transformed himself from Mr. Fatty to Mr. Toned. I was impressed, not so much with his new body because I could never look like that, but with the location where the photos were taken; an abandoned nightclub with a load of graffiti.

The Olympus 75mm focus speed re-visited, and some gratuitous porn

Thu, 16 Aug 2012 00:00:00 +0000

My only hiccup when using the new 75mm lens, was that it sometimes slowed down a little when focusing.

Thought I should check this out further, and see how the lens performed on an Olympus body; so I borrowed Nik’s EM-5 for a few hours. This also provided the opportunity for a camera porn shot; don’t they look lovely together?:

The obligatory pussy shot

Wed, 15 Aug 2012 00:00:00 +0000

It is a time honoured tradition that anyone who acquires a new camera must immediately take photos of their cat and publish them over the wide wide world of web, simultaneously announcing “I have a cat!” “I have a new camera!” and “I have no idea what else I am going to use it for!”.

Not wishing to break with tradition, I made sure that the first photo I took with my new Olympus 75mm was of Gabrielle, taking the afternoon sunshine in the back bedroom and checking out my new acquisition with some disapproval through the bars at the end of the bed. Never got round to the web publishing bit of the tradition though; so here we are:

From divine to dire and back again

Tue, 14 Aug 2012 00:00:00 +0000

I reckon it was a government plot.

A stunning opening ceremony, followed by two weeks of (mainly) sunshine, epic sport, many medals and worldwide plaudits for a job well done. There was a real danger that we Brits could start to feel good about ourselves, and goodness knows what horrors that might lead to. Time to gently lead us back into reality with a totally shit closing ceremony.

The high point for me was a video of a dead man singing “Imagine”. The low point was the rest of it. A bunch of self-absorbed tossers, all past their sell-by dates, singing mainly out of tune to the accompaniment of a “show” which lacked imagination, pace or relevance. Spice Girls: Do you wanna be my lover? No, but I could use a sniper rifle. The Who as a closing act? My Generation was my generation; hardly relevant to most people today; is that really the best you could do?

Koral gardens

Tue, 14 Aug 2012 00:00:00 +0000

Some interest expressed in comments on previous posts as to the current state of the Koral development.

I went yesterday and there is good news!! Although building work on the main structures may have fallen a little behind schedule, the landscaping efforts to develop the “beautiful gardens” have been extensive since my last visit, with the natural look clearly in evidence.

Caught on phone

Mon, 13 Aug 2012 00:00:00 +0000

At the beach this afternoon, taking some videos of SUP action for Craig, and I spot these two posing for self-portraits. Full marks to the Panasonic 100-300mm which has a reputation for being a little soft at the long end, but it nailed this moment very nicely.

Don't rain on the parade

Sun, 12 Aug 2012 00:00:00 +0000

Many countries have a nominated father’s day and mother’s day. In some places they are merely sponsored events by greeting cards companies; accepted by the weary populace as another necessary evil. Not so in Thailand, where both days are linked to the birthdays of His Majesty the King and Her Majesty the Queen; so these these days are treated as something special, with fireworks and parades being the norm.

Today is mother’s day; and as well as many Mums being trailed around shopping malls and inserted into restaurants, we had a parade for the Queen planned in Pattaya. Such parades are good to watch and fun to photograph and I set off early to be there on time. Traffic would be terrible, so I parked a long way away and walked to the start point.

The sky looked ominously dark and, sure enough, ten minutes before the planned start there was a massive storm. I joined hundreds of prospective marchers in a local shopping mall, and we waited.

Traffic emotions

Sun, 12 Aug 2012 00:00:00 +0000

We’re never going to get across this traffic….:

Accomodation

Sat, 11 Aug 2012 00:00:00 +0000

Olympus 75mm F1.8 review

Sat, 11 Aug 2012 00:00:00 +0000

Midnight run

Thu, 09 Aug 2012 00:00:00 +0000

Had a fairly exhausting, one hour windsurfing outing yesterday afternoon, followed by a late evening meal with a few glasses of wine with my wife after she finished work. So by 23:00 I was very relaxed in a comfy chair and considering bed. So what the hell was I doing after midnight, sat in a car with she who must be obeyed as we pursued a rubbish truck around the streets of Pattaya?

Perch

Thu, 09 Aug 2012 00:00:00 +0000

Took a walk around Pattaya for some street shooting today. A few shots; but my favourite turned out to be of pigeons rather than people. I love the shape and textures of this and would happily print it big and stick it on the wall; which is not something I feel very often.

Mind you, I will probably hate it in the morning.

Happy birthday to her

Wed, 08 Aug 2012 00:00:00 +0000

If you were to ask people who know me, what is the best thing about me, I am sure they would respond with: “the fact that we don’t seem him very often”. I can’t dispute the opinions of my acquaintances, but if I had to offer up one positive trait that I posses, then I would go with the fact that I think I am reasonably empathetic.

Life can be so much easier if you can easily appreciate the views and needs of other people, and I think it was my ability to empathise that kept me employed in Asia for nigh on fifteen years. You can’t deal with the Asian culture by shouting it into submission; but understand the other person’s position and act accordingly and you can move mountains. Also, I have no other skills; so it must have been empathy that kept me employed.

Unfortunately, my ability to empathise has never extended to having a clear grasp of what those around me would appreciate as gifts. I never have any problems identifying suitable gifts for myself. Give me your budget, I’ll add 20% and give you a list of things I would express gratitude for. But what would you like? Buggered if I know. Empathy? Not registering.

This has been a problem from an early age, with Xmas being a particularly challenging time. No, I am not going to buy you a tie, or an “amusing” book you will read for five minutes and then keep in the toilet for visitors to ignore for a couple of months before “losing”. That’s the problem, most gifts are crap and unless the recipient has a particular interest that you can serve with a gift, then what the hell do you buy?

Most of my family seemed to have no particular interests, so eventually I reverted to the only sensible strategy, I bought them things that interested me. The worst example of this was probably a gift to my father for Xmas one year. My father’s interests were golf and gin (and Italian women and horses in a tent in the war, according to my mother who seemed to have an issue with this). None of this helped me with a gift choice; but I was motor racing crazy at the time so my father received a copy of the most excellent “Sports Racing Cars of the 1950s - A Technical Analysis”. Ungrateful old bastard that he could be (although admittedly he had no interest in motor racing), he expressed unfettered joy at this perfect present for a couple of hours and then stuck it on a shelf. After a grace period of a couple of days I took it down and thoroughly enjoyed it.

I have similar problems with she who must be obeyed. Fortunately, we don’t do Xmas; but there are New Year gifts, anniversary gifts and birthday gifts. And today is her birthday.

She actually has many interests, all fashion related which of course makes it out of bounds for me. No way am I going to buy jewelry, or clothes, or cosmetics; because I would be guaranteed to get the wrong design or colour or size and I would be punished for my transgressions. My fallback has been perfume. Of course, I don’t choose the smell, but she gives me the brand and I go and buy it; although there are still cock-up opportunities when I buy the wrong type of smell delivery mechanism.

But for this birthday she informed me she was “perfumed-up”, with bottles of the stuff from previous events still unused and taking up space on shelves which could better be utilised for the storage of the jewelry I wasn’t going to buy her. What to purchase for my wonderful wife? Nothing for it but to fall back on the tried and tested (and failed) approach of many years; I got her something that interests me:

Partial pecten

Wed, 08 Aug 2012 00:00:00 +0000

The offering

Tue, 07 Aug 2012 00:00:00 +0000

The thyroid restaurant

Tue, 07 Aug 2012 00:00:00 +0000

Regular readers will know that I waged war on my hyper-thyroid condition by zapping it with radiation five months ago. After first going even more hyper at the sheer indignation of it all, things seemed to be settling down a month ago and we waited to see whether Mr. Thyroid would give up and die; or keep operating, albeit at a much reduced level. Yesterday I went to Bangkok to find out.

The best and the worst of us

Mon, 06 Aug 2012 00:00:00 +0000

About 8 years ago….

Hi Hank, what do you want?

Hi Boss. We have this idea for a scientific research vehicle. It will be stuffed full of experiments, be the size of a car and weigh 900 kilos.

Ambitious! Where do you want to put it? In the desert down the road?

Err no; Mars.

What? Three hundred million kilometres away Mars? 253 travel days away Mars? Variable climate, shithole Mars?

Beach sport

Sat, 04 Aug 2012 00:00:00 +0000

Took a walk down Jomtien beach today with the proprietor of PattayaDaze, and we checked out the beach volleyball competition.

Frustrating sport to photography because the net gets in the way of so many angles. And it is hard to catch the moment because the leap for the ball and the subsequent hit are over before you can finish pressing the shutter, so you have to anticipate. Finally, the mess of colours meant I felt the results looked better in black & white.

Catching the moment

Sat, 04 Aug 2012 00:00:00 +0000

Photographing the beach volleyball, and out of the corner of my eye I spot a child that really, really wants some candy floss. No time to move get a proper composition, just aim the camera and take the shot. Would have been much better without the guy in the background behind the child; but I think it’s a cute shot worth sharing.

You talkin' to me?

Sat, 04 Aug 2012 00:00:00 +0000

You talkin’ to me? You talkin’ to me? Then who the hell else are you talkin’ to? You talkin’ to me? Well I’m the only one here. Who the fuck do you think you’re talking to? I’ll peck your toes off.

It's alive!

Fri, 03 Aug 2012 00:00:00 +0000

Walking the beach waiting for the wind and we are inspecting the ground. She who must be obeyed is digging up some sort of shellfish which are destined to be a fried tasty snack. I am looking for anything that might be a worthy photo subject. And I find this:

Oh dear, this means more gear

Fri, 03 Aug 2012 00:00:00 +0000

My first posting outside of Europe was to Kuala Lumpur. Our house had an aircon in the bedroom but nowhere else. The theory was that there would be a pleasant flow of air through the house because it was made of wood and was full of slats and holes. The reality was that it was still bloody hot and we were robbed a lot because bad people could easily gain entry by the simple expedient of removing the slats or widening the holes. It was also very humid, the impact of which I did not realise until I inspected my substantial and loved record collection and discovered that instead of black vinyl I had green life forms.

The mould was removed at some cost, only to return a few months later. My record collection was doomed; in retrospect a good thing because it was almost wholly shit. But when I acquired a camera and some lenses I was determined that they should not fall victim to the dreaded mould.

The answer was a humidity cabinet. A sealed box with some electronics that facilitate the removal of moisture; so the humidity content in the air drops from the usual 70%+ to around 45%. You don’t want it too low, otherwise you get a different type of mould, which is probably also green although I have never seen it.

My cabinet has served me well and has seen the ebb and flow (usually flow) of gear over the years. It was getting a little tight in there, but manageable; until three Russian cameras came along and I really needed more storage. The answer, a second cabinet:

The lure of the mountains

Thu, 02 Aug 2012 00:00:00 +0000

Number two in the occasional “shit I pick up on the beach” series.

Found on the beach

Wed, 01 Aug 2012 00:00:00 +0000

Our house, in the middle of our street

Wed, 01 Aug 2012 00:00:00 +0000

When I started Pattaya Days in 2008, I didn’t really have any readership numbers in mind; I just wanted to write and stick it out there. I knew Billy might read it because he was the catalyst, and maybe a few others would pop in from time to time.

So it was quite surprising to me that, by the end of last year, around 300 people a day had nothing better to do than pop in for a look. In addition, there was a hard-core of amusing and intelligent commenters who could be relied upon to keep me straight (e.g. “There is no such word as “commenter”) and add some sparkle.

WIGGO!!!!!

Wed, 01 Aug 2012 00:00:00 +0000

Sorry, just slipped out.

What a star.

Comments 🔗

2012-08-01 | Pete says

Just a stab in the dark, but I’m guessing he’s won something else then?

2012-08-01 | Spike says

Most perceptive. Just a gold medal.

More molehill than mountain

Mon, 30 Jul 2012 00:00:00 +0000

I used to use Windows, since before it was called Windows. But a few years ago, after much prodding from friends, I tried using a Mac. Specifically, I tried using a Mac which was slightly less powerful than my PC, and discovered that it ran Lightroom seven times faster. Good enough for me and I switched. Never regretted it, and although I have a Windows 7 install for gaming, I am happy to use a Mac for everything else.

Desperate measures

Sun, 29 Jul 2012 00:00:00 +0000

Four things that should never be close together at the same time: she who must be obeyed, her birthday, a handbag shop, and my credit card. It’s a perfect storm for financial ruin and one I have been able to avoid thus far.

But we were in Siam Paragon this week and I had forgotten all about the imminent event that is her birthday (although I do have a reminder on my phone for the actual day, so I can remember to wish her a happy birthday without being prompted).

Damn you Danny Boyle

Sat, 28 Jul 2012 00:00:00 +0000

Being British, I have an inherited PhD in cynicism, a firm belief in the ability of my country to cock things up, a studied absence of patriotism, and I utter a small prayer of gratitude every morning that I no longer have to live in the country of my birth.

I can still remember the queasy feeling in my stomach when Britain won the right to host the next Olympics. The news was marked by Boris in a bus in Beijing, and it was more than a little crap, especially after the carefully crafted mega-show that only a country like China, with an unlimited budget and unlimited people, could manage. This was going to be a disaster.

The great* coffee project

Thu, 26 Jul 2012 00:00:00 +0000

Both of my regular readers will know that I like my coffee. No surprise (to me) that the first ever post on this blog was in praise of my coffee machine, and both the machine and my love for coffee have made regular appearances over the years.

I enjoy most coffee. My coffee, coffee shop coffee, Thai ancient coffee, Vietnamese coffee, coffee from almost anywhere, apart from that warmed up black gruel that sits festering in hotel breakfast areas and is tipped out of glass pots by disinterested waitresses. But I draw the line at instant coffee. I can’t make a mental connection between my perfectly roasted beans and the pile of dirty gravel that is Nescafe Gold Blend. It’s impossible to comprehend that they come from similar sources and serve the same basic purpose. I’d rather drink badger’s urine than assault my taste buds with the vile crap that is instant coffee. My default response when offered a sachet of this muck is to throw it in the nearest wastebasket (or sell it to a passing beggar); but no longer. I have found a use for instant coffee which does not involve having to drink it. I shall develop films with it.

The normal approach to film development is to use the chemicals supplied by the likes of Ilford and Kodak, and that is what I have done so far, with mixed results. But during my trawl through the wide wide world of web seeking information on this arcane process, I stumbled upon a group of people who have abandoned the easy route and opted for an intriguing mixture of instant coffee, Vitamin C and washing soda. For reasons I will never understand, a combination of these substances mixed with some water and thrown in a developing tank with a film for long enough will produce developed negatives. For reasons I will never understand, I have to try it.

And so, the great coffee project. The current film in my camera is being used to take photos of assorted coffee shops, machines, drinks, bags of beans and anything else coffee related that I can point my lens at. Once the film is finished, I will throw it into the strange mixture and see what happens. Hopefully I will end up with some photos of coffee, developed in coffee; and if that isn’t a pointless objective to strive for, I don’t know what is.

Beach design

Wed, 25 Jul 2012 00:00:00 +0000

Stopping the flow

Wed, 25 Jul 2012 00:00:00 +0000

Traffic flow in Pattaya continues to degrade. The worst is at weekends, when mass muppets from Bangkok descend upon our city and clog up everything; but even during the week it is becoming more common to be stuck in a jam.

Key to the degradation has been the installation of more and more sets of traffic lights at junctions where everyone had been quite happy muddling along by using the usual technique of driving through at high speed and hoping everyone else gets out of the way. Sure there were a few major accidents and it takes a while for the blood to wash away, but not enough carnage to warrant bringing everything to a controlled stop by the use of lights.

Still, there was a small compensation for those wishing to turn left at the lights; you could do so provided the traffic was clear, even if the lights were on red. Very useful, and although some junctions prohibited the practice because you were likely to pull out into an eight-wheeled truck doing 140kph, you could happily turn left almost everywhere.

Not any more. Most junctions now have a sign prohibiting a left turn:

Canon - delighting you always

Tue, 24 Jul 2012 00:00:00 +0000

Not always.

Ignoring Leica, who have been operating in their own little expensive world since forever; and Epson with their low volume RD-1, it was Panasonic and Olympus who launched the concept of a compact system camera in 2008 with the micro four thirds (MFT) format. Sensors big enough to provide a quality image, small enough to enable lenses that matched body size and provided a small shooting solution. What could go wrong?

Please buy my stuff

Sun, 22 Jul 2012 00:00:00 +0000

Same lady, same day, captured on film:

Shadow on the wall

Sun, 22 Jul 2012 00:00:00 +0000

Well done Wiggo

Sun, 22 Jul 2012 00:00:00 +0000

I have made mention before of my love of cycling. One little story that slipped my mind related to the annual holidays I took with my parents.

In my youth I tried hard to rebel, but I failed because my father wouldn’t let me and because I never had any money. But I did have my bike and it went with me everywhere, even on our annual holidays which, even in my teens, I was obliged to attend with my parents. I didn’t mind too much though because we always went to a particularly picturesque part of Northumberland and while my parents lounged on the beach or propped up the bar, I was whizzing round the countryside and impressing the local girls with my massive thighs (or so I imagined).

A face with a history

Fri, 20 Jul 2012 00:00:00 +0000

The Dark Knight Rises

Fri, 20 Jul 2012 00:00:00 +0000

I better start by declaring that I am no fan of super-hero movies. Men and woman in improbable costumes, often with unexplained powers, prancing around uttering breathless dialogue supported by shitloads of CGI. No thanks, although I would make an exception for the recent, rather fine, Chronicle. I also better declare that I am a fan of director Christopher Nolan. He had me at Memento and as far as I am concerned he has never made a bad film. He serves up lashings of entertainment without treating his audience like simpletons; so when he took on the Batman franchise and delivered Batman Begins, I went along for the ride. It was good, but The Dark Knight was even better; helped by the stand-out performance by the sadly late Heath Ledger as The Joker. A hard act to follow, but now we have the final film in the trilogy; The Dark Knight Rises.

Charmed and intrigued

Wed, 18 Jul 2012 00:00:00 +0000

I don’t read as many books as I feel I should, and what I do read tends to be from my Kindle. However, I do still enjoy a wander round a bookshop and yesterday I came across Bill Bryson’s Shakespeare - The World as a Stage. Published a while ago, but I have never seen it before.

I have no great affinity for Shakespeare; probably because I was forced to play Bottom’s second assistant fairy in a school play, inducing a trauma so severe that I still refuse to wear green tights. But I do love anything by Mr. Bryson.

Marketing morons

Wed, 18 Jul 2012 00:00:00 +0000

The Son has pointed me towards a social media exercise by Shell* which has gone horribly wrong for them, with most amusing results for the rest of us.

Promote your proposed Arctic drilling campaign by sticking up some cute photos and inviting the public to provide captions, what could possibly go wrong….?

See the full horror here. But as I expect the exercise is likely to be terminated prematurely, followed by the sacking of all involved, here are a few selections (click on each for a readable version).

A chance encounter

Tue, 17 Jul 2012 00:00:00 +0000

After a fairly torrid time with chemicals, it might have been wise to stay away from any sort of activity which I could potentially fuck up; but the vacuum cleaner went on the blink and in order to attempt to fix it, I needed a new type of screwdriver; the screws in the cleaner presumably being specifically designed to deter boneheads like me.

And so it was I found myself in the queue at Home Pro this morning, new screwdriver in hand, coincidentally standing behind a man who was purchasing a brand new vacuum cleaner. I was pondering the fact that there was a fair chance I would be back tomorrow to buy exactly the same, once my repair attempt had resulted in an electrical fire of impressive proportions; when he spoke to me.

A day of disasters

Mon, 16 Jul 2012 00:00:00 +0000

So there I was with a couple of rolls of exposed film and three bottles of chemicals with which to develop them. What could possibly go wrong…?

Film development is a bottomless pit of options and opinions. Hit the web and you will find endless combinations of films, fluids, temperatures and techniques being discussed. To hell with that, I just want some photos I can point at and say “I did that”.

Variables were reduced by the fact that I had films I had already bought from the web, and chemicals Tic had found in Singapore; but even with these there were some pretty detailed instructions to absorb. We ran through some of these whilst consuming gin and tonic; but this turned out to be a bad environment for memory retention.

More amusing, but equally useless, was practising the delicate art of removing the film from its canister and transferring it to the processing tank. It’s fiddly when you can see what you are supposed to be doing, extremely difficult to do in the dark (which is what you have to do), and pretty hilarious trying to do it with your eyes shut after an intake of alcohol.

Come Sunday, and armed with a measure of sobriety and a small headache, I started by mixing up some chemicals. There are three to worry about. In reverse order (theoretically, see later), there is the Fixer with fixes everything that has gone before so your negative will not degrade over time. Prior to that there is the Stopper, which as the name suggests, stops the development process. And finally, and most importantly, there is the Developer.

The Fixer and the Stopper are non-critical in terms of application; and they can be mixed in bulk, used as required and then kept for re-use. So I mixed them first.

A morning jog

Mon, 16 Jul 2012 00:00:00 +0000

She who must be obeyed is many things; but fit is not one of them. Her idea of exercise is a long walk from a car parking space into the mall, and woe betide me if I choose that as an option if there is an alternative somewhere closer, albeit infinitely more difficult, to park. So it was with some surprise that I greeted her announcement a few weeks ago that she was entered for the Pattaya Marathon. Turns out she had been entered by her boss who enters every year and expects a couple of his managers to do the same.

“So, what training regime do you intend undertaking?” I asked with tongue firmly planted in cheek. “Pass the crisps.”

About three days ago there was a mild panic when she realised that she had done zero preparation. I pointed out that it was now too late to start any preparatory work, at which point she relaxed and settled back into her prawn snack.

The night before she readied herself ~~with a light meal and an early night~~ by going out for dinner with our visitor and ending up the meal with a slab of cake. She did turn down the offer of a grappa though.

Yesterday morning she was out of the house at 0430 and staggered home several hours later with these:

Recipe for a headache

Sun, 15 Jul 2012 00:00:00 +0000

An analogue weekend

Fri, 13 Jul 2012 00:00:00 +0000

Those of you spitting feathers over the overdose of old camera photos the last couple of days will no doubt be pleased to be presented with another one:

Stack 'em up

Fri, 13 Jul 2012 00:00:00 +0000

Following a massive outpouring of enthusiasm* yesterday, here are some more Kiev internals photos shots; this time shot with the Yashica 55mm macro:

The soul of an old machine*

Thu, 12 Jul 2012 00:00:00 +0000

Finally reduced one of my spare-parts Kievs to component parts, or as far as I am capable of taking it and still have it working.

It’s a Kiev 4, which looks like this:

My name is Bond, condo Bond

Wed, 11 Jul 2012 00:00:00 +0000

There are so many condo development in Pattaya right now that it must be hard to come up with a new name. Even so, perhaps “Mr. Bond” is pushing the boundaries a little.

The trials of photographer cat

Wed, 11 Jul 2012 00:00:00 +0000

Aperture and shutter, set. Focus, set. Now, how in the hell do you expect me to press the shutter?

OWC, look what you did to me

Tue, 10 Jul 2012 00:00:00 +0000

I have a complaint about OWC; and the complaint is that their customer service is too good.

Not so long ago I reported that the SSD in my Mac had died. I also mentioned that the drive seemed to have a different serial number than that on the invoice, so a warranty claim was unlikely. And if it did succeed, I would get an inferior replacement after several months of haggling. So I bought a new one and it is installed and running.

The pledge

Tue, 10 Jul 2012 00:00:00 +0000

Staying overnight in Bangkok before my monthly doctor’s appointment always leaves me tired. The place I stay is OK; but I never sleep well in a strange bed. Yesterday morning I rushed to the hospital, then spent a fruitless hour trying to find film developing chemicals before battling through the rain back to Pattaya. Then she who must be obeyed was on the late watch at work so it was late to bed, and then up early this morning to have breakfast with her before she started work early.

Death Spiral

Mon, 09 Jul 2012 00:00:00 +0000

Off to Bangkok for my monthly meeting with my thyroid doctor. After a couple of months of heavy hyper thyroid reaction, the blood test finally shows the thyroid plummeting towards inertia in a radioactive induced death spiral. Good news and good riddance.

Doctor pronounces that I may now stop taking the thyroid suppression pills that I have been chucking down my throat for more years than I can remember. And now we wait a month to see how the thyroid will react. It will either settle down and act as a normal thyroid should, now that it has been given a good kicking; or, equally as likely, it will continue to fade and die at which point I will return to a daily pill intake, but this time of the much more benign thyroid hormone.

Six years

Fri, 06 Jul 2012 00:00:00 +0000

Today is my wedding anniversary. I know this because ~~I have a reminder set in my phone~~ the date is emblazoned upon my heart by gossamer winged angels of love. Unfortunately, she who must be obeyed has also set a reminder, so I can’t win any points by being the only one to remember.

Can’t win any points for my gift either; because I didn’t buy one. There had been a pre-anniversary discussion about this:

SWMBO: (Hopefully) So what is the romantic item associated with six years? Me: (After consulting Wikipedia) Sugar! SWMBO: How boring. Each year should be something like ruby, then emerald, then sapphire. Or (warming to the task); just make it one diamond, two diamonds, three diamonds etc. Me: Or straight six, V8, V12. SWMBO: Whatever.

Eventually we might do something sweet, such as descending upon a smart restaurant and having a fancy dessert with a dessert wine; we’ll see what the evening brings. For my companion of nearly ten years and wife of six years is at work until late so we will see how much energy either of us have left for an outing.

With her busy working life, she who must be obeyed makes less of an appearance on these pages than she used to. But her smile still lights up my life every morning when I awake and provides entertainment whenever I am with her; and even when she is asleep her spectacular snoring is good for a giggle. I can’t imagine living my life without her and I really should make more of an effort to mark the occasion of our anniversary.

Fortunately, fate took a hand at breakfast, giving me ~~a free, rather dry looking cake~~ the opportunity to purchase a limited edition item of confectionery which I then hand-crafted as a symbol of my affection.

On rails

Thu, 05 Jul 2012 00:00:00 +0000

I have a friend who develops LED lighting solutions. One of his new products has a number of separate components and he asked me if I could do a video showing a “fly-by” of the components, and then a voice-over could be added describing each as it passes by.

My answer was “probably not”, because I have never shot video and have no equipment with which to capture a fly-by. But I promised to give it a go.

A first attempt involved just moving the camera over the components; a complete mess in every direction. Then I tried a swinging arm on a tripod, and that was a dismal failure too.

Next, there was this:

Fifty shades of shit

Wed, 04 Jul 2012 00:00:00 +0000

Anyone who writes probably reckons they have a book in them somewhere. I certainly do, and a few years ago I set out to write mine. Made it as far as half way down page one and gave up; surprisingly boring to write, and equally boring to read. Maybe I would try again later; and maybe now is the time.

The latest publishing sensation is Fifty Shades of Grey, an apparently poorly written novel which has so far sold in excess of ten million copies and made the author a millionairess.

I don't know what it is but I am glad they found it

Wed, 04 Jul 2012 00:00:00 +0000

Much excitement today as the clever boys and girls at CERN announce they have found a new boson, and they are pretty sure it belong to Professor Higgs.

Expect general apathy. After all, it’s not a shiny new widget that we can buy, or a Z-list personality whose marriage and almost immediate divorce we can follow in the Daily Mail. It’s a boson, and if we really understood what a boson was and how it operates we would be sat in a laboratory doing clever sums and making out with lab assistants called Felicity (I have a somewhat skewed perspective of an academic life).

Of course there will be the inevitable documentaries on what it all means; featuring very few facts that we can grasp, accompanied by computer generated graphics of galaxies exploding as a small compensation for us being so stupid. Personally, I will look forward the Dr. Brian Cox show. Not only does he stir my homoerotic tendencies, he is also bloody good at explaining stuff without appearing to be dumbing things down too much; even though from his perspective he is talking to brain-damaged toddlers. He also has a great production team. I remember an episode of “Wonders of the Universe” where he spends half the show walking around an abandoned prison in Rio. This initially seemed like a massive waster of someone’s money; until he used it to explain the creation of elements in a dying star, and finished off the story with the star/prison being blown up. Genius storytelling.

But bugger the apathy. Even attempting to wrap our inadequately evolved brains around the magnificence and complexity of the universe is enough to trigger awe. I am talking real awe here, not the awe as in “awesome” when your waiter applauds your dessert choice. And the people who dedicate their lives to researching this stuff? They exemplify all that is admirable in the human spirit (unless they are only in it for the lab assistants).

Fortunately for you gentle reader, you do not have to wait for the offerings from the established media to further your understanding of the Higgs Boson (shouldn’t there be an apostrophe in there somewhere? Genuinej, please advise). At vast personal expense (mainly threats), I have arranged for our own, our very own, Camberley to provide an explanation.

When I first met Camberley he was, like me, a fairly junior accountant. When I last met Camberley we had both clambered over the bodies of the dead and reached “Finance Director” status; except I had the honour of being FD for a teeny tiny offshoot of the empire, and he was the FD of the chemicals sector which gave him considerably more seniority, and cash. But my teeny tiny offshoot was based in Bangkok, and he worked in London, so I won.

The difference in our career trajectories, and indeed our basic intelligence, is perhaps best illustrated by the fact that I left school at seventeen with a handful of O levels and a pocket full of scruffy dreams (none of which were realised), and Camberley knocked off a doctorate in nuclear physics (spin theory if I recall) before even looking at a set of books. So, who better than Camberley, sorry, Doctor Camberley to give us some perspective on today’s announcement:

The Higgs Boson for laymen.

That is what Spike asked me to write about given today’s announcement from CERN. He obviously thinks I know a lot more than do. But anyway here we go.

Once upon a time a man named Higgs said “Why do particles have mass? I know; I will say that all particles have mass because of something called a Higgs Boson that can only be detected with a multi-trillion dollar machine and an army of physicists. That should keep the buggers busy for decade or so.” And so it came to pass.

I must say this has been one of the longest ever confirmations in history, and even now they are not sure. They saw hints of the particle some months ago. How can you have a hint of a particle? Now while some of them are cracking open bottles of champagne others are saying, and I quote:

“Formal confirmation of the discovery is expected within months, though it could take several years for scientists to work out whether they have found the simplest kind of Higgs particle that theories predict, or part of a more complex picture…one of a larger family of Higgs bosons.”

So now there maybe other kinds of Higgs (someone clever than me will have to work out how to pluralise that word, or better still develop a collective noun for a group Higgsis – see, I said it needed someone clever than me).

It was all so different when I was at school. We knew what gave things mass, it was something called stuff. Lead had more stuff in it than air and so was heavier, simple.

What else has changed in that time? It used to be that the universe started as a Big Bang, everything was expanding, but because of gravity it all would eventually start contracting to end in a Big Crunch. Oops, it seems the universe is expanding at an ever increasing rate. Explain that then. “I know” said the scientists, “it is cause by something called Dark Energy which will require the total GDP of all the countries in the world for the whole of human civilization to find. That should keep the buggers busy for … ever.”

To sumarise the little bit of what I gather is current scientific thinking:

• String Theory (apparently the theory of everything) says we live in a 9 dimensional world, except some think it might be 11 or is it 5?).

• After the Big Bang the universe rapidly expanded (called inflation), that is, space itself got bigger so that some things that were near each other suddenly were millions of miles apart – without any of them moving.

• Actually no say some others, the Big Bang did not happen in one place it happened everywhere at once and that our 4 dimensional (??) universe is actually a surface on a 5 dimensions object and our surface collided with another surface of this object and that was the Big Bang.

• Well possibly not say others. Our 4 dimensional universe is possibly (?) a holographic representation from a 3 dimensional thing (my word).

• Don’t worry about it say others, there are an infinite number of universes and we just happen to be in one of them. Oh and by the way quantum mechanics says that time can run backwards.

Is you brain hurting yet? Would you trust these people to run your banks? I would say “yes” to the first and “can’t be worse than what we have now to the second”.

Thank you Doctor Camberley, and please give my regards to your charming wife Felicity (I rest my case).

So there you are, perfectly clear to me now; although even eleven dimensions is not enough to explain she who must be obeyed’s shoe collection. But I fear there may be some of you who may still be confused; and for you I have prepared a simplified explanation.

Consider this photo:

Soft lines

Tue, 03 Jul 2012 00:00:00 +0000

Tacky attack

Tue, 03 Jul 2012 00:00:00 +0000

Just settling down to an afternoon of doing not very much at all, when the call comes from neighbour Nik who is also at a loose end and suggests a trip to the Saha Farms complex. It’s a tacky monstrosity of a place; but it’s just down the road and maybe there is something to shoot.

Turns out to be bloody hot and enthusiasm soon wanes; but not before I knock off some shots with the very wonderful Panasonic 7-14mm:

Screw this

Mon, 02 Jul 2012 00:00:00 +0000

Regular readers who have managed to stay awake will know that I am was the proud owner of three Kiev cameras. To refresh your memory:

High flying June

Sat, 30 Jun 2012 00:00:00 +0000

Thank (insert deity of your choice) for that.

The visitor statistics for this site suffered a massive blip in May 2010; courtesy of a post about a certain Mr. Jeff Savage, who later visited upon us with death threats and other dire warnings. I rather hoped to someday overcome the Jeff effect; and June was finally the month to break the record.

Eleven thousand, five hundred and twelve visits, which is around eleven thousand, five hundred more than I could reasonably expect.

A cartoon development

Thu, 28 Jun 2012 00:00:00 +0000

The Beaches development in Bang Saray was announced with considerable fanfare in 2008. The brochure describing the development was a little flexible with the truth regarding the location, and the project cannot have been helped when one of the directors was alleged to have absconded with deposits.

Since then, the development site has remained quiet; apart from a half-hearted attempt to start construction of a waterpark.

But now the site is teeming with workers and machinery! Hooray for The Beaches! Happy days for investors in the project! Well, not exactly. Yes, there is finally going to be a waterpark; but the original developer seems to have disappeared and the site has been taken over by Turner Broadcasting for the construction of a Cartoon Network themed park.

I think the sign around the site could usefully be used at many construction sites in the area.

Abandoned

Thu, 28 Jun 2012 00:00:00 +0000

An alternative route to a happy ending

Thu, 28 Jun 2012 00:00:00 +0000

Many of the recreational activities in Pattaya are conveniently ambiguous.

You can pop into a girlie bar and you may indeed just be going for a beer. On the other hand you might be lining up a foursome with a lady, a ladyboy and another mammal; but that will not be clear to anyone observing you entering the bar.

How about a massage? There are establishments which quite clearly offer only massage; places which quite clearly say massage but offer everything but, and a host of businesses which will provide you with a normal massage, topped off with what is euphemistically known as a “happy ending”.

However, if you walk in here it is very clear what you are in for:

Brightening up a rainstorm

Thu, 28 Jun 2012 00:00:00 +0000

Everyone needs a turret

Thu, 28 Jun 2012 00:00:00 +0000

The truth hurts

Thu, 28 Jun 2012 00:00:00 +0000

She who must be obeyed: You could pose for this. Me: Indeed! Canon 1D with the 300mm lens, extender and lens hood fitted just to be sure. She who must be obeyed: No. With your GX1. And that little pancake lens. Me: Oh.

Comments 🔗

2012-06-28 | Spanky says

Micro 4/3 just took on a whole new meaning. You should have gotten a G3 of a GH2 or something. Least the body is bigger.

Keeping my distance

Wed, 27 Jun 2012 00:00:00 +0000

Up at 0530 in order to send some visitors to catch the early ferry to Koh Larn. Actually, the sending bit was done by she who must be obeyed; my role was to make the coffee and then crawl back into bed and mutter in a complaining manner.

No chance to go back to sleep, so off to Nong Nuch with the big rig with the intention of trying out some of the techniques in the flower art book. But I was tired, it was hot, and the Canon does not handle easily to perform the manipulations described in the book. So I just stuck it on a tripod and pointed it at things.

Multiple usage of dolls

Tue, 26 Jun 2012 00:00:00 +0000

My analogue photo experience continues. After running a few rolls of film to discover I have two working cameras and one that needs a washer; I decided to spend yesterday afternoon being a little more scientific in my evaluation.

I borrowed a couple of she who must be obeyed’s posing dolls as subject matter, and placed them next to a card on which was written the name of the camera, the lens, and the exposure settings. I then spent a couple of hours taking multiple shots with each of the three available lenses on each camera with varying exposure settings; whilst all the time squinting down the rangefinder to focus on an eye of one of my models.

The objective of all this is to make sure both cameras are focusing correctly, have similar shutter values, and to identify the best lens. None of this would have been necessary had the Germans had the foresight to develop digital camera technology and LCD screens before the second world war. Still, if they had I would probably be writing this in German.

A local bookshop ran an “ultimate book sale” last month with 40% off all titles and I picked up a couple of books. Annoying, because this month they are running a “super-ultimate books sale” with 60% off all books; so I had to buy another. It is called “Fine Art Flower Photography” and it has a load of good ideas (and stunning photos) for a super-ultimate price of 384 baht.

Many of the example shots required totally blurred out backgrounds; and I can do no better for that than my Canon 300mm lens. But the lens does not focus very close, so I rummaged around in my store of bits and discovered an extension tube which allows much closer focusing.

She who must be obeyed’s dolls were still posing on the table and so they were used again; this time to see how close I could focus.

1950 Kiev II

Sat, 23 Jun 2012 00:00:00 +0000

Note: I realise that my regular readership is already heartily sick of my foray into old cameras. If you are so afflicted; please leave now. Thank you.

She who must be obeyed went into raised eyebrow mode when my second Kiev camera arrived a few days ago. So imagine her reaction when yet another box arrived from the Ukraine yesterday.

What’s that? Men’s toiletries. Really? No, not really, it’s another camera. What!!! Yes, but it’s the last one. For now (muttered inaudibly, I am not a complete fool). And this one is the best.

And it is, but to explain why I need to reiterate a little of the story previously told; and expand it because I have learned more about these (to me) intriguing cameras.

When the Russians took over the Contax camera factory in Dresden after the second world war, the production line had been substantially destroyed. As a precursor to moving everything to Russia, everything was moved to a factory near Jena in East Germany. Three production lines were set up. One of these was intended to continue the production of the Contax in Germany; and other two were for the production of the same camera for Russia, initially to be called the Volga and then finally the Kiev. In the event; all the production lines were moved to Kiev and the Germans had to start up Contax production at a later time elsewhere.

If you can find a 47-49 Contax or Kiev then you will be paying big money for a collector’s piece as only a few hundred were made.

My 1950 Kiev II

Lonely

Fri, 22 Jun 2012 00:00:00 +0000

Phuket plague

Thu, 21 Jun 2012 00:00:00 +0000

Pattaya has a deserved reputation for sleaze and vice. But if you actually live here, and have no interest and sleaze and vice other than as a spectator sport; Pattaya can be a reasonably civilised place place to live (and of course, if you have a pathological interest in sleaze and vice; you will be very happy here).

But try telling that to someone from Phuket. Oh no, Phuket is the place to be. With massively expensive housing and a better class of tourist, people in Phuket see their island as a much more desirable destination. But it’s not going so well at the moment.

The analogue adventure continues

Thu, 21 Jun 2012 00:00:00 +0000

With film loaded into my latest Kiev, I set out to try and capture at least one photo, made with an antiquated concept called “film”.

The day before I had wasted my time taking shots with a stuck film. I had also wasted time dragging a digital camera around to use as an exposure meter. A bit of research and I had downloaded Pocket Light Meter onto my iPhone.

Point your iPhone towards your subject. Set the ISO and either the aperture or the shutter speed, and the app will give you the missing value.

Futile but fun

Tue, 19 Jun 2012 00:00:00 +0000

This afternoon I went out to finish the roll of film in my newly acquired Kiev.

I have no idea how well the camera is functioning, so I decided to record the details of each photo as I took it. First I would choose a location and then out would come my GF1 with a similar length of lens to take an exposure reading. Put the GF1 back in the bag and set the aperture on the Kiev and change the shutter speed after first ensuring that the shutter had been cocked. Point the camera and move the focusing wheel till the two rangefinder images were aligned and then take the shot. Put the camera back in the bag and bring out a notepad and pen to record the details. Long-winded but rather relaxing and fun. Having the GF1 with me enabled me to capture a couple of shots of the Kiev on its outing.

Mac Pro no go

Tue, 19 Jun 2012 00:00:00 +0000

I love my Mac Pro. Bought for not a lot of money last year, it has whizzed along without a hiccup; until this morning.

Turned it on and it started up; but then presented me with a white screen. Bugger. Seemed to be disk related and after some investigation I discovered that my eleven month old SSD boot drive has died. I bought it from the respected OWC on-line store and it has a three year guarantee, so it will be going back; or so I thought until I discovered that the serial number on the SSD bears no relation to the serial number on the invoice; which may make it a little more difficult…

Analogue soaking

Mon, 18 Jun 2012 00:00:00 +0000

Bought a film for my rangefinder camera this morning and, after a few false starts, loaded it into the camera.

Took the silver beast down the beach this afternoon and it is not to be hurried. First in the absence of a light metre I had to use another camera to get a reading. Then set the Kiev to infinity focus before changing the aperture (don’t ask), and then make sure that the film had been advanced before changing the shutter speed otherwise the thing would explode. Then put camera to face and wiggle the focus wheel to align the rangefinder images.

Get yer tits out

Mon, 18 Jun 2012 00:00:00 +0000

There’s nothing like a flash of boobs to get the Thai authorities hot under the collar. Topless girls dancing at Songkran; shock horror national scandal. Young ladies appearing in print with minimal or no clothing; flee the country and don’t come back, we don’t do things like this here (well we do, but you are not supposed to flaunt it).

So imagine the outcry when the Thailand’s Got Talent TV show featured a young lady whose only talent was pouring paint over her nipples and then smearing same against some paper.

Marigold madness

Sun, 17 Jun 2012 00:00:00 +0000

Took my Kiev rangefinder to visit my neighbour Nik today, and he was so grateful that I allowed him to hold it for a couple of minutes (provided he washed his hands first, you never know where his hands have been), that he suggested we pay an afternoon visit to Nong Nuch courtesy of his car.

Not the best of trips because the weather was mainly shit and Sunday afternoon brings too many visitors, and they get in the way of serious people trying to take photos (us).

But we found a patch of flowers which, thanks to my encyclopedic knowledge of flora, I was able to identify as “orange”. Nik reckoned they were marigolds, but he was just showing off. Anyway, at the close of day they were adopting a most pleasing shape and we spent a while shooting them. Once home, I spent all of fifteen minutes pushing some of the shots through Topaz, et voilà, Marigold Madness! (Or Originally Orange Madness if it turns out they are not marigolds).

Tearing up money

Sat, 16 Jun 2012 00:00:00 +0000

The search for a rangefinder

Fri, 15 Jun 2012 00:00:00 +0000

A rangefinder camera focuses by displaying two images in the viewfinder. You then twiddle a knob to bring the two images into alignment and, if everything is calibrated correctly, the lens will then have your subject in focus. I have never owned a rangefinder camera; but have always fancied playing with one.

The first rangefinder was made by Kodak in 1916; but the most famous rangefinder brand is Leica, mainly because Leica rangefinders are still in production; albeit at a price. The latest Leica M Monochrom (which as the name suggests, only shoots black and white images); together with the latest 50mm F2 Summicron lens, is available in Bangkok for the modest sum of 550,000 baht.

[caption id=“attachment_11772” align=“aligncenter”]

This; or a new car?[/caption]

How about an old Leica then? Maybe one of the first pre-production models which, although not a rangefinder, would be fun to play with. They don’t come up for sale very often, but last month this one sold for $2.8 million…

[caption id=“attachment_11775” align=“aligncenter”]

A bargain![/caption]

The first Leica rangefinder was the Leica II, introduced in 1932; the start of a line of cameras that continues until today. But it was not the best rangefinder of the 1930s. The Leitz company of Dresden decided to produce something better, The Contax 1. The Contax had a better rangefinder mechanism and a metal shutter rather than the Leica cloth shutter, allowing higher shutter speeds and enabling you to point the camera roughly in the direction of the sun without the internals of the camera bursting into flames.

The Contax 1 became the Contax 2 in 1936 and with the accompanying Zeiss lenses (which were also considered superior to Leica), Contax had the best rangefinder on the market.

And then came the war.

At the end of the war, Dresden was initially within the area controlled by the USA; but eventually the Contax factory came under Russian control. How to compensate for the 23 million Russians who died? We’ll have this factory for a start, thank you.

As a first step, a production line was set up at Saalfeld near Jena in East Germany and a limited production took place in 1946 and 1947. The camera was still called a Contax; but had Contax Jena on the top plate.

[caption id=“attachment_11776” align=“aligncenter”]

Yours for a shitload of cash[/caption]

With production issues resolved, the Russians loaded all the parts, blueprints, and manufacturing tools on to trains and, together with selected German personnel who were no doubt delighted at the prospect of a holiday, transported everything to the Arsenal factory in Kiev. After a late night and several vodkas, someone had a flash of inspiration and the brand was renamed Kiev. The Kiev II was the continued production of the Contax II, and early models used Contax parts left over from production in Germany. Very limited production took place in 1947 and cameras from this year fetch heady prices.

Full production started in 1949 and continued through to the 1980s. Over the years, the focus on the continuation of German precision engineering was overshadowed by the need to meet ever-increasing production targets and towards the end quality control went down the drain. There are stories of entire production runs being thrown on the dump because the cameras just didn’t work; so the trick is to get an earlier model.

Along with the cameras, the Russians took along finished lenses, glass and designs for the wonderful Zeiss lenses that came with the Contax. In the very early periods of production, the Kiev 2 came with Zeiss components inside a Russian-made lens housing and the lens was called the Zorki-ZK. These of course are very collectible and if I finally get my hands on the 1950 Kiev 2 with a Zorki-ZK lens that I am after; then I will keep it for ever and hand it down to The Son when I depart.

Meantime, I have this:

Five year old bike

Tue, 12 Jun 2012 00:00:00 +0000

Found this during a trawl through Lightroom, taken in 2007. Stuck it through Topaz Black & White Effects.

In pursuit of stealth

Tue, 12 Jun 2012 00:00:00 +0000

Most people don’t mind being photographed, but there are a few who don’t seem so keen; hookers on Beach Road for example. And hookers have pimps, and pimps have drugs inside them and assorted weaponry to hand (based on the movies I have seen); so it is best to be cautious.

In pursuit of stealth, I spent $25 dollars (including postage) on eBay for one of these:

Death throes

Mon, 11 Jun 2012 00:00:00 +0000

Off to Bangkok yesterday in preparation for visiting my thyroid doctor this morning. Arrived mid-afternoon and for the want of something better to do, I went and saw Prometheus.

I used to think that Ridley Scott hadn’t made a bad film; but then I watched Grey. Two hours of macho posturing in a constant blizzard, interrupted occasionally by the appearance of some unconvincing wolves. Sorry for the plot spoilers.

And to be honest, Prometheus isn’t one of his greatest efforts either. I went to watch it at one of the high end screens in Paragon, and 280 baht got me a comfy seat, a fantastic sound system and a crisp 3D picture. And the movie certainly delivered in terms of visuals and sound; it’s easy to see how they spent $150 million making it. I just wish they had spent some of the money on the script and the story.

Evening rigging

Sat, 09 Jun 2012 00:00:00 +0000

I don't do weddings

Sat, 09 Jun 2012 00:00:00 +0000

But I do occasionally get invited to them; and today it was an event on the beach at Jomtien. Pretty location and I was soon snapping away. I used to photograph motorbikes for the groom and he felt obliged to come over and tell me that this was not an assignment, I was just invited to enjoy the wedding and was not required to take photos. But I had my GX1 and three lovely lenses; so I was not to be thwarted.

There were at least three official photographers who stuck their lenses in the happy couple’s faces at every opportunity. I had to stay out of their way and get my shots when I could; but I managed at least 40 I was happy with, a selection of which here:

Into the sun

Fri, 08 Jun 2012 00:00:00 +0000

Some more SUP shooting at Mabrachan reservoir, and the sun obliged by shining; albeit straight into the camera. Gave the water an appealing shimmer.

Cardboard box life

Thu, 07 Jun 2012 00:00:00 +0000

Food consumed, extensive stroking demanded and received; time for a nice sleep:

Lost in transit

Thu, 07 Jun 2012 00:00:00 +0000

Up early (0900) yesterday with the intention of witnessing Venus cutting down available light from the sun by about 0.0001%.

I am old enough to understand that you never look at the sun directly, so I looked at the sun directly just to check where it was, and spent the next ten minutes with impaired vision. I am also old enough to understand that you don’t try and undertake complex tasks such as foaming milk with steam when your vision is impaired. So the cappuccino was not up to the usual standard and I had a scalded finger.

No more doctor in the House

Thu, 07 Jun 2012 00:00:00 +0000

For the last eight years I have enjoyed the antics of Doctor Gregory House and I just wanted to take a few lines to say goodbye.

Almost every episode of House has the same basic plot. Patient arrives with weird symptoms, medical team spends most of the episode being abused by House and fails to find a cure, leaving the man himself to have a moment of genius and solve the problem. But the sameness of the plot didn’t matter, because you knew you would be treated to forty five minutes watching a damaged man heaping scorn and ridicule on the rest of humanity; and there can be no better entertainment (in my little world).

Champagne for everyone!

Sun, 03 Jun 2012 00:00:00 +0000

A year or so ago I embarked upon a grand strategy to improve my income by uploading photos to stock photography sites. Find some photos that might be useful to buyers, load them to a stock site, wait for their quality assurance Nazis to accept them, and then sit back and watch the sales grow. I loaded several hundred and looked forward to at least doubling my annual income.

And I would have done, if my annual income was around $10. My current balance is $15.61; too small for them to even issue me with a cheque. Another failed enterprise.

Extreme flossing?

Sun, 03 Jun 2012 00:00:00 +0000

Crap camouflage

Fri, 01 Jun 2012 00:00:00 +0000

Went for a wander with Ian from Pattayadaze. While I saunter along hoping to spot an elfin castle or a rampaging elephant; Ian will linger for an hour next to a bush. There is nothing in the bush as far as I can see, but he then emerges with magnificent photos of a lesser-banded whip python which I can’t spot even when he points it out to me.

After several of these outings I have to confess that he has the eye for spotting small beasties; and the skill to photograph them; and I don’t. So I was very pleased this afternoon when I managed to actually spot something myself without Ian having to drag me by the arm, point, and mutter “look, look, you silly Englishman”.

And here it is:

Art in Paradise

Thu, 31 May 2012 00:00:00 +0000

The sign outside provides a clue; what we have here is an interractive (sic) art museum:

It's a lens, baby

Wed, 30 May 2012 00:00:00 +0000

A flurry* of emails asking about the Lensbaby that I used yesterday.

I bought my first Lensbaby when I had only a Canon camera. It was a pretty basic piece of kit.

You moved the bellows up and down to acquire focus, and moved it from side to side to generate swirly effects. There was a lens of sorts inside, and a selection of magnetic rings which your dropped onto the lens to change the aperture. Great fun to use, although keeping focus with your fingers wrapped around the unit was something of a hit and miss affair.

That Lensbaby was sold in the great Canon lens purge of a few years ago. I missed the quirky images it produced and hoped one day that the Lensbaby company would include the Micro-Four Thirds mount in their range. Eventually, they did.

The original lens is still in the lineup and is called the “Muse”. But now there are more sophisticated offerings and I ended up with a “Composer Pro” into which you can insert a selection of optics.

Staggering about

Tue, 29 May 2012 00:00:00 +0000

Last Friday I spent about an hour taking photos of Craig and his family playing on SUPs. It was just standing around; and yet on Saturday I could hardly walk. My legs felt like I had climbed a sizeable mountain the day before. It’s the thyroid of course; muscle weakness and exhaustion are just two of the many symptoms.

Today I thought I would try another little outing, an hour or so snapping at Nong Nuch. Lasted about thirty minutes before I was convinced I was going to collapse; but an iced coffee perked me up and I survived. Needed a little lie-down when I got home though.

Just took the GX1 and a Lensbaby:

In my head

Sat, 26 May 2012 00:00:00 +0000

Evening post

Fri, 25 May 2012 00:00:00 +0000

To Mabrachan reservoir this afternoon to grab some shots of Craig and family on SUPs. On the way back to the car after a lack of light stopped play, I spotted this little post sitter.

Hear no evil, see no evil, speak bollocks

Fri, 25 May 2012 00:00:00 +0000

Thailand is a fine country and I would not wish to live anywhere else; but it is by no means perfect. Thailand is particularly notorious for the availability of counterfeit goods. Bad business for the manufacturers, something of an attraction for tourists.

Many a visitor must openly discuss how much they are looking forward to purchasing all manner of copied merchandise during their visit; and they won’t be disappointed because there are thousands of Thais who make their living by manufacturing, distributing and selling counterfeit goods.

Poop scoop

Thu, 24 May 2012 00:00:00 +0000

Given my ongoing tragic status, it seemed wise to check and make sure that my condition is being caused by nothing more than an exploding thyroid.

Most of the private hospitals in Thailand offer packages to check out your health. You spend an hour or so undergoing a series of tests which are then presented to you in a fancy booklet by a doctor who is qualified in stating the bleeding obvious by reading your results and highlighting any abnormalities, which assorted machines have already automatically highlighted as being abnormal. Last time I did this was at Samitivej hospital in Bangkok and I remember it being a lot of money to pay for a fancy red silk covered report.

Seventy percent

Fri, 18 May 2012 00:00:00 +0000

I would rate my overall state of health two days ago as being around 20% of normal. Yesterday saw a slight improvement to around 40%, and today I would rate myself at 70%. Today was the first time for about three weeks that I really wanted to eat; so I celebrated with a big bowl of bibimbab. Today was also the first day I have felt like doing something other than feeling sorry for myself; so I headed down to the windsurfing club.

Not up to sailing yet, but it was good to sit on the beach and watch others sail as the sun set. Took the GX1 which rather struggled with focus with the sun going down into the lens and the sparkling sea messing things up; but got this silhouette shot of Craig that I quite like.

Greek tragedy

Thu, 17 May 2012 00:00:00 +0000

Greece joined the Euro in 2001. To meet the criteria for membership, the country had to demonstrate a certain level of financial stability. Having done this, how did their economy then go down the toilet so quickly? It didn’t, it was substantially in the toilet before 2001, the Greeks just fiddled the statistics to gain access to the Euro, and then continued to massage the numbers in subsequent years, aided by the lovely people at Goldman Sachs. Each year, over many years, the budget deficit was “recalculated” and published as being an acceptable 3% of GDP.

Thyroid supernova

Mon, 14 May 2012 00:00:00 +0000

Dragged my sad arse to the doctor in Bangkok this morning. Each visit starts with a blood test where four thyroid indicators are measured. Last time I went, all the readings were normal and this time I was hoping to see a result that confirmed that the thyroid had died and no thyroid hormones were being produced. This would explain why I am feeling crap and I could start on the road to recovery.

Yesterday, today and tomorrow

Sun, 13 May 2012 00:00:00 +0000

Yesterday I wrote a post about the E-M5. It wasn’t a particularly good post. I actually started it two days ago but my brain couldn’t get in gear to write more than a couple of lines. Finishing the post yesterday took me all day in little bursts. Apart from that I watched a movie (A Separation, rather good) and stared at the computer screen. That’s all I could manage. Oh, and I rang the hospital and brought forward my next appointment with the thyroid doctor.

A few hours with the E-M5

Sat, 12 May 2012 00:00:00 +0000

It’s been a while since Olympus introduced the OMD E-M5. Since the launch, the web has been awash with glowing reviews, mixed with complaints from those who had pre-ordered and were still waiting for their new toy. My neighbour Nik read the reviews but ignored the reports about limited supplies; and sold his old camera on the assumption he could easily pick up an E-M5.

Weeks passed, but it finally arrived yesterday, and he did what he usually does with his new gear; he gives it to me for twenty four hours to play with. Unfortunately, in my current condition, I spent most of that twenty four hours asleep or staring at the wall in a dazed, drooling state; but I did play with it enough to gain an impression.

Isn’t it pretty?:

Something different

Fri, 11 May 2012 00:00:00 +0000

A small effort

Thu, 10 May 2012 00:00:00 +0000

Thought I should use the camera before it seized up, so dragged a plant from the balcony and knocked off a couple of shots.

Listless

Thu, 10 May 2012 00:00:00 +0000

I know, it’s been a while….

I can sum up my condition in one word: listless. If you want two words: worryingly listless.

I have always been someone with considerable enthusiasm for anything mildly interesting that passes my way. This can end up being expensive (radio controlled aircraft, windsurfing, photography) as I embrace a new passion and throw money and time at it; but at least it is better than having no interests at all and just spending my life slumped in a chair watching mindless entertainment.

Heat exhaustion

Fri, 27 Apr 2012 00:00:00 +0000

I love living in a hot country. I like waking up to sunshine almost every day. I like the warmth, don’t mind a bit of sweat; and could never, ever, live in the UK again. But this is a bit much.

The last week it has just been getting hotter by the day, and now we are experiencing something in the region of forty degrees of Mr. Celsius.

No, I don’t want to go out and take photos. I don’t want to sit and type on a computer. I just want a small air-conned room and a bed to doze on until the rains come and temperatures decline.

Grand Pricks

Wed, 25 Apr 2012 00:00:00 +0000

The 2012 Formula 1 season has been a cracker so far. Close racing, loads of overtaking and no clear favourites emerging.

But the racing was rather pushed into the background last weekend when the circus went to Bahrain. Last year’s race was cancelled due to social upheaval, and there was much debate prior to the event as to whether this year’s Grand Prix would/should take place.

Like most of the countries in the region, Bahrain has problems. A ruling family from a sect that believes an imaginary friend should be worshipped in a particular manner, lording it over a population, the majority of whom believe that the same imaginary friend deserves a different kind of devotion. Cue riots, tear gas, detentions and stories of bad things happening. Not as bad as Syria or Libya, so generally ignored by the Western press; until this weekend.

A shit meeting

Tue, 24 Apr 2012 00:00:00 +0000

On Sunday morning I was up early for a drive to Bangkok. Wearing my best shirt and second-best pair of jeans, I was comparatively smartened up in order to attend the AGM of our condo; to be held in the offices of our management company.

This was to be the last meeting in their offices, because we have kicked them out and a new company will take over in June; assuming endorsement from the owners at the AGM.

Flower frenzy

Tue, 24 Apr 2012 00:00:00 +0000

Sick of my wife

Sat, 21 Apr 2012 00:00:00 +0000

Mainly, it’s the annoying accent. Plus, I am sick of her looks. And I am very suspicious of this guy that seems to be hanging around our house. I did try to kill her but that seemed to be an impossibility; so I’m stuck with the lion faced, whiny bitch; who spends her days running some obscure business and only gives me a token of the takings. Never joins me in bed either.

Home alone with my Three Legged Thing

Thu, 19 Apr 2012 00:00:00 +0000

Up at 05:00 to take She Who Must Be Obeyed to the bus station. Lucky girl is avoiding Pattaya Songkran day by attending a two day seminar in Bangkok. I return to bed and doze a little longer before arising to check out the box of goodness that finally arrived yesterday, no thanks to the wankers at TNT.

Within the box is a new tripod. I confirmed the need for a new tripod by having the wife carry around the old one a few times on photo trips. “This is very heavy and falling to pieces; you should buy a new one” was her sage advice. I did’t really care about the first part of her sentence, but the “you should buy a new one” phrase is always taken to heart.

But she was right about the old one too. It’s an aluminium monster that I have had for years. It weighs too much and is developing a tendency to shrink in length when it shouldn’t.

The tripod of my dreams (I do dream of tripods, and in my dreams the tripod always has two long legs and one tiny, stubby one. I don’t know what this means.) has always been a Gitzo; big bucks, light weight.

But then I discovered a British company called Three Legged Thing, with a sense of humour and a new range of tripods; and before you could say “Paypal”, I had slapped down an order for a “Brian” (all their tripods are named after famous rock guitarists).

It was my Brian that finally arrived yesterday, and I spent much of today fiddling with his many features, plus taking a photo of him next to a temple; just to prove there was a tripod from 3LT in Thailand.

Sail away the blues

Wed, 18 Apr 2012 00:00:00 +0000

Thyroids suck

Mon, 16 Apr 2012 00:00:00 +0000

The latest in my trilogy of “suck” posts (there may be more) and today I return to a topic close to my heart and even closer to my trachea, my buggered thyroid.

It’s been a few weeks now since I attempted to murder it. Since that time I have been chucking down handfuls of pills every day, including a triple dose of thyroid suppression pills, beta blockers, and a little white pill the purpose I which I forget (memory booster?).

Hello ladies

Sun, 15 Apr 2012 00:00:00 +0000

Songkran sucks

Sun, 15 Apr 2012 00:00:00 +0000

Tablets at any age

Sat, 14 Apr 2012 00:00:00 +0000

New best friend

Thu, 12 Apr 2012 00:00:00 +0000

TNT sucks

Thu, 12 Apr 2012 00:00:00 +0000

In my self-appointed role as international gadget consumer extraordinaire, I have occasion to purchase vital items from overseas.

Sometimes these come via ordinary mail, which can involve a delay as the local post office gets its arse in gear before eventually sending me a tiny piece of paper informing me that my goods have arrived. I then hurry down to the shrine of parcels, pay some duty, and pick up my toy.

Instacash

Tue, 10 Apr 2012 00:00:00 +0000

Way back in 2009, a professional photographer called Chase Jarvis published a book titled “The best camera is the one that’s with you”. There are many books available that are full of interesting and artistic photos; but this one differentiated itself by containing only photos that were taken by a phone; and damn good they were too.

Mr. Jarvis could have also called the book “It doesn’t matter what camera you have, it’s the photographer that makes the difference”; but maybe that would not have sold as many copies.

Happy birthday Edward? Eduardo? Eadweard?

Mon, 09 Apr 2012 00:00:00 +0000

As everyone knows, or at least anyone who has used Google this morning, today is the birthday of the long dead Mr E. Muybridge (Muggridge? Muygridge?).

Notable for changing his names on a regular basis, he also found time to develop a method that proved that horses do indeed have all four hooves off the ground, and that they are tucked under the body rather than splayed out at either end as thought by those who worried about these things.

So well done there Mr. E., although nowadays readers of this site will have become depressingly familiar with how easy this is to illustrate with a digital camera.

Still, you will be pleased to know that yesterday marked the end of the Polo Season in Thailand. Cue much wine and champagne after the match and tearful hugs as everyone (apart from me) disappears to more pleasant climes for the summer.

As a birthday tribute to Eadweard, and to mark the end of the season, here is a hooves in the air shot this last weekend featuring a small Thai lady pushing a much larger opponent off the ball.

Swimsuits and knickers

Sat, 07 Apr 2012 00:00:00 +0000

Just by chance, I found myself amongst assorted Thai ladies on the front row of a fashion show yesterday. The Thai ladies did not approve. They were there for the fashion, but it was clear to them I was only there to perv at the models. I tried to play this down by muttering “my editor at Vogue is going to love these shots”; but they were not convinced. Then a couple of male models hit the catwalk and I was not sure what to do. If I didn’t photograph them then I would reinforce my pervy image; if I did photograph them then I was obviously gay. I compromised by taking a couple of shots with an expression of complete disinterest; not that the Thai ladies cared. As soon as the guys turned up they whipped out cameras, phones and tablets and were snapping away enthusiastically; dirty old pervs.

The lighting was atrocious; spot lights of various colours firing off in no particular sequence, interspersed with periods of dark. The exposure reading on my GX1 was leaping around all over the place, and it was impossible to get any reasonable colour balance.

Still, here are some shots:

An inappropriately placed sticker

Fri, 06 Apr 2012 00:00:00 +0000

Or maybe not, you never can tell in Pattaya.

The mall

Thu, 05 Apr 2012 00:00:00 +0000

Dead schoolgirls

Wed, 04 Apr 2012 00:00:00 +0000

Whilst in Bangkok last week, she who must be obeyed expressed an interest in going to the cinema. When she is interested in doing something, I am fascinated; so off we went.

The only show in town was “The Hunger Games”, a hugely popular teen movie based upon a hugely popular trilogy of books. Set the future in what used to be America, a boy and girl from each of the twelve poor districts that once staged a rebellion, are brought to the capital for an annual televised event where they are placed in an area of land, and the last one alive is the winner.

To ensure a PG-13 certificate, shaky camera techniques and quick edits are used to ensure we are not exposed to too much bloodshed. To ensure the average cinema audience is not over-taxed, many of the themes and plots in the book are simplified, or ignored completely (allegedly, I have not read them).

But, in spit of that, I rather enjoyed it. It’s well made, the lead actress, Jennifer Lawrence, is clearly a future star; and the supporting cast including Woody Harrelson, Lenny Kravitz and the inevitable Donald Sutherland as the evil president do a solid job. It flags a bit in the middle, but as a no-brains required evening out it’s OK.

But this is not the first “last schoolkid standing” movie, and it is not the best. Honours for that have to go to the excellent Battle Royale.

I have a passing interest in Japanese cinema; first sparked by Mike Takahashi’s “Audition” (Kiri Kiri Kiri!) and rekindled lately by “13 Assassins” from the same director. My limited collection includes a special edition of Battle Royale.

A classic

Mon, 02 Apr 2012 00:00:00 +0000

Still breathtaking after all these year and one of the many cars I never owned but wished I had:

A necessary conversation

Mon, 02 Apr 2012 00:00:00 +0000

She: You want to talk?

Me: Yes, we need to have a conversation?

She: What’s on your mind?

Me: I remember the day I first saw you. You were in a shop and I saw you through the window. It was pretty much love at first sight, you were so beautiful. I thought to myself; she is going to be expensive, but I didn’t care, I had to have you.

She: Yes, it was a magic moment for me too. As soon as I saw your ~~credit card~~ face, I knew I should go home with you.

Me: At first it was wonderful, we went everywhere together. I held you, caressed you, showed you to my friends; I was so proud that you were mine. But then your flaws started to appear. You were so hard to deal with. Even the simplest things turned out to be difficult with you; and to be brutally frank, you were just slow. Beautiful, but flawed. I have to admit I was attracted back to my old love. She may not have your looks, but she is so responsive to my touch.

She: Oh no! How can you say that?

Me: After a while I realised that hooking up with you was a mistake and now I want out of our relationship.

She: Please; give me another chance! Maybe they’ll update my firmware. But wait, what’s this packing box…..

Me: I just sold you on eBay; for almost as much as I paid for your sorry arse. Packing time!!

She: Nooooo! I don’t want to go! And what’s this black thing next to me?

End of days

Mon, 02 Apr 2012 00:00:00 +0000

Black and white drift

Sun, 01 Apr 2012 00:00:00 +0000

Made a return to the drift racing today and took a few shots. First one I reviewed on the computer seemed a bit drab, but it perked up when I converted it to black and white. So I did the same to all of them.

Cows and cars

Sat, 31 Mar 2012 00:00:00 +0000

In a bizarre intermingling of interests, this weekend features the Pattaya Livestock Show and Eastern Drift Championship. Cows in the hall, drift cars in the car park outside.

I went to the previous cow display and had no great desire to go again; but I popped my head round the door, only to be met by the cold, dead eyes of a killer:

Preparing dinner

Fri, 30 Mar 2012 00:00:00 +0000

Silverlake sunset

Thu, 29 Mar 2012 00:00:00 +0000

A model encounter

Wed, 28 Mar 2012 00:00:00 +0000

Back from three days in Bangkok.

Yesterday evening we were passing (purely by chance*) through Zen, and stumbled across these ladies; seemed impolite not to snap them.

Yellow kettle

Wed, 28 Mar 2012 00:00:00 +0000

Tapped

Sun, 25 Mar 2012 00:00:00 +0000

Water shots

Sun, 25 Mar 2012 00:00:00 +0000

No polo this weekend so a chance to relax and leave the camera at home, apart from a brief session to help out Craig and Amara at the windsurfing club.

They want to make a new brochure, highlighting their role in bringing children into the sport; so it was down to the water for some windsurfing, sailing and SUPing. Their model was their daughter who seemed to enjoy every moment. This is maybe not surprising given her Mum is a world champion windsurfer with more than 25 years experience and her father has webbed feet.

First she did a bit of windsurfing:

Fishing in the sand

Sat, 24 Mar 2012 00:00:00 +0000

The cosplay collection

Fri, 23 Mar 2012 00:00:00 +0000

Where's the bloody cake?

Fri, 23 Mar 2012 00:00:00 +0000

No presents, no cake with candles, not even a sodding card; what’s wrong with you bastards?

Check this. I know; a rather inconsequential post about a broken switch on my coffee machine. But it’s the first post on Pattaya days and it happened four years ago today; and as blog years are five times normal; Pattaya Days is now twenty. So, I ask, where’s the bloody cake?

All together now: “Happy Birthday to this”.

The final photo

Thu, 22 Mar 2012 00:00:00 +0000

Three days of photo processing finished this evening. The very last shot had been taken when it was almost dark. Slow shutter speed and high ISO resulted in a blurry, noisy photo which would normally be deleted without thought.

But this one, of my friends Churo, Cami and their baby is somehow full of love and life; with the extra benefit of a child who is wondering if this crazy woman can really be his mother. Nice find at the end of a long haul.

One of my better efforts

Wed, 21 Mar 2012 00:00:00 +0000

A little break

Tue, 20 Mar 2012 00:00:00 +0000

After a sweaty weekend of shooting I took a day off yesterday and, amongst other things, watched the Australian Grand Prix courtesy of a download of the Star Sports UK coverage.

The Star Sports Grand Prix offering shown locally is abysmal, with a drooling idiot called Steve Slater as the commentator. You’d get a better idea of what is happening in the race by turning off the sound. I am not a violent man, but I get the urge to smash his teeth in with a hammer every time he starts his inane giggling. As you may gather, I don’t watch the local Star coverage any more.

Just one drink

Sun, 18 Mar 2012 00:00:00 +0000

Third and last day of the polo tournament and I prepared for my shoot with a large lunch of Bimbimbab, a Koren concoction with pork, rice, veggies, egg and some spicy paste; all mixed together. Damn fine meal and I usually struggle to finish; but with my current accelerated metabolism, it slipped down a treat; even though I had had the equivalent of three breakfasts during the morning.

Decided to pick up some emergency snacks to take home, including a three pack of those rather nice Ferrer Rocher chocolates. Unfortunately, they didn’t survive the journey; but I was left with a couple of boxes of energy snacks to take to the polo.

Long afternoon, delayed by rain, and it was around 1830 before the prizes were given out. After that, there was a noodle stall which had been imported from Pattaya Klang; so I laid waste to that before heading home.

In need of a real meal, I stopped at a Mexican, and alcohol temptation reared its head.

With my current diet including beta-blockers and steroids, it has seemed wise to lay off the booze. But it was Sunday evening, I was sticky and tired and hungry, and you can’t eat a Mexican meal without a margarita on your table. And anyway, I wanted to photograph it.

Side light

Sat, 17 Mar 2012 00:00:00 +0000

Common sense dictates I should shoot sports with the sun behind me, to ensure the best lighting on my subjects. But sometimes I have the sun off to the side, so the body of the subject is in the shade; and the result can be really pleasing (at least to my eyes):

Prison Break

Fri, 16 Mar 2012 00:00:00 +0000

It is with some relief that I checked out of my isolation ward this morning and returned home. During my detention I have been allowed day release to have the occasional meal with my wife; provided we sat a suitable distance apart and I did not attempt to exchange any bodily fluids. But that hardly constitutes a marriage.

As of lunchtime today I will be declared a low-risk radiation area and only have to avoid extended cuddling with pregnant woman or babies for another couple of days; and those are not on the list of things I need to do this week. So, hurrah!

The Holy Trinity

Fri, 16 Mar 2012 00:00:00 +0000

Up in the air again

Fri, 16 Mar 2012 00:00:00 +0000

Body worship

Thu, 15 Mar 2012 00:00:00 +0000

What do you do when you see three mimes wandering through a shopping mall?

Ask them to pose of course:

If looks could kill

Thu, 15 Mar 2012 00:00:00 +0000

Je suis un rock star

Thu, 15 Mar 2012 00:00:00 +0000

Holed up

Wed, 14 Mar 2012 00:00:00 +0000

I am now holed up in my temporary isolation quarters in Pattaya. Not too shabby, with unlimited high-speed internet, which although is clearly indicated as not to be used for torrents, I am using for torrents and downloading vast quantities of media to keep me entertained.

The last couple of days have been a busy time for my thyroid. Having spent two weeks without iodine or medication, it was a pretty hungry little organ and must have been delighted to have been presented with a pill full of its favourite food.

Come to me

Tue, 13 Mar 2012 00:00:00 +0000

Jagged little pill

Mon, 12 Mar 2012 00:00:00 +0000

Duly presented myself at Bangkok Hospital yesterday for what was described as a thyroid uptake test. This involved knocking back a pill containing a very small amount of radioactive iodine, and then going back to today to see to what extent my thyroid had been fooled into sucking it up.

After taking the pill, we headed down to Paragon where there was Cosplay meet-up in progress, and that provided plenty of interesting photo opportunities, a couple of which I have already shared. More to follow, although I am currently limited to using iPhoto on the iPad and would rather wait till I get home and stick the photos through Lightroom.

Purple dandy

Mon, 12 Mar 2012 00:00:00 +0000

Wistful

Mon, 12 Mar 2012 00:00:00 +0000

Bangkok street life

Sun, 11 Mar 2012 00:00:00 +0000

More from the Bangkok street

Sun, 11 Mar 2012 00:00:00 +0000

It's thyroid time

Sat, 10 Mar 2012 00:00:00 +0000

Tomorrow I head to Bangkok where I will partake of a small dose of death. On Monday they will scan my neck and check the uptake of radioactivity, and then give me the required dose to deliver a knockout blow to my thyroid. I am taking my camera but not sure they will let me photograph anything (or maybe the radioactivity will wipe my sensor); but I am hoping to be able to provide full coverage of this exciting event.

Or maybe I will just sleep. Feeling increasingly crap and depressed as the thyroid rages unchecked, and will probably feel this way for a while yet. Do not expect the same volume of posts.

She who must be obeyed has been her usual supportive self. Today she did some research on what might be good for me to eat in this condition. I was suggesting donuts, but she proclaimed donuts to be on the list of prohibited foods. After a bit more research she decided there was actually nothing I could eat; so we went and had some therapeutic cake.

Sad-eyed lady of the lowlands

Sat, 10 Mar 2012 00:00:00 +0000

I suppose I would be sad if my eyes were clogged with cobwebs and I had the most appalling acne.

The fetid pool

Sat, 10 Mar 2012 00:00:00 +0000

A seat at dusk

Thu, 08 Mar 2012 00:00:00 +0000

Another future investment

Thu, 08 Mar 2012 00:00:00 +0000

Some time ago I wrote a little piece, penned the day before Apple introduced the first iPad.

I bought one before they were officially introduced to Thailand, so it cost me more than it should, and so I limited myself to a 16GB version. This was swiftly used up with applications, leaving no room for me to use it for an original justification; showing people my photos so they would go “ooh!” and buy them from me.

End of the day

Thu, 08 Mar 2012 00:00:00 +0000

Paying for your pitch

Thu, 08 Mar 2012 00:00:00 +0000

Most of the roads in Pattaya are littered with assorted stall holders. Presumably there is some sort of system whereby their places are allocated and they pay for the privilege. The other evening the police were on beach road, relieving stall holders of cash. The magic trick stand man seemed a little nervous.

Adobe see the light

Tue, 06 Mar 2012 00:00:00 +0000

If you have a digital camera, you will need to look at your photos on a computer. You might want to organise them, make them look better, build a slideshow, build a web page, design a book, perhaps even print them. You can do all of that with Adobe Lightroom 4.

Forget about the bloat that is Photoshop, or any of the other junk that purports to offer a comprehensive, easy to use solution; Lightroom is by far the best tool on the market.

Assassination preparations

Tue, 06 Mar 2012 00:00:00 +0000

Some time ago, I told you loads of things you didn’t want to know about my thyroid. If you can’t be arsed to follow the link, let me summarise: I am going to kill it.

Up until a week ago, I was keeping my raging thyroid in check with a daily pill. But then I stopped taking the pill and my thyroid has burst back into angry life.

Aha, I’m back and I’m going to fuck you up!

Looking for love?

Tue, 06 Mar 2012 00:00:00 +0000

Or just a massage?

Well, hello ladies!

Tue, 06 Mar 2012 00:00:00 +0000

You should see my underpants

Sun, 04 Mar 2012 00:00:00 +0000

It will not have escaped the attention of my regular readers that I am not slow to drop large amounts of cash on gadgets, particularly those involved in the process of taking photographs. What’s going on here? A massive pension, dealing drugs, money laundering for the Russian mob? The truth is more simple, you should see my underpants.

If you did, and I am not suggesting you do, you would discover a ragged selection of faded bits of cloth. I can’t recall when I last bought a new pair; and the same goes for all my clothes. Plus, the condo needs painting, we eat cheap food, I drive a truck and I can’t remember our last holiday. In short, the money that I do have is spent on the important things in life; gadgets.

Sad Rasta

Fri, 02 Mar 2012 00:00:00 +0000

I don't do weddings

Thu, 01 Mar 2012 00:00:00 +0000

I have had a few requests to photograph a wedding, and I have refused them all. Most tempting was a wedding at a high-class resort on top of a mountain in India, all expenses paid, plus fee. But there is just too much stress involved. What if I miss a decisive moment, what if my gear breaks, what if I crack and collapse into a weeping puddle just as they are saying their vows. No thank you.

I made a semi-exception for my friend who got married in Bangkok recently, but he had an army of professionals on the job, so if I screwed up it wouldn’t really matter.

And then I was asked to shoot a christening. This scored double minus points. Stress from missing decisive moments, plus a close encounter of the third kind with a representative of the purportedly magic jew; could I cope?

As the parents are my friends I accepted, albeit with some trepidation. The event took place at dusk, the light was coming from behind the subjects and there was every chance of screwing it up. Fortunately, most of the shots look OK, although this first one will need some Photoshop on the white panel in the background.

It's just a bloody rock

Wed, 29 Feb 2012 00:00:00 +0000

Did I want to go on a photo trip, enquired my neighbour Nik. Is the pope Catholic? Do I mind being at the car park at 0430 this morning? Is the pope Jewish?

Of course I minded, but I dragged myself out of bed and away we went. Our destination was Khao Khitchakut and a large rock that has become a shrine for Thais to visit. This is because nobody can work out how a big rock came to be standing on the edge of a cliff; and that’s because nobody involved has the slightest bloody idea about basic geology, and chooses to ignore the many other big rocks littered around the landscape, (and you can make a load of money from shrines).

She who must obeyed informs me that “in the old days”, they could pass a piece of string right under the rock, because the rock, somehow magically, didn’t touch the ground. “No, they couldn’t”, was the only rational reply.

We were in the car park at the base of the mountain at around 0700 and then had to take two truck rides to the top. The trip starts out on a gradual slope…

Is this love?

Tue, 28 Feb 2012 00:00:00 +0000

Had a conversation with she who must be obeyed regarding our relationship. The topic under discussion was how comfortable we felt with each other and how we could be ourselves when we were together.

All positive stuff; but I could tell she really wanted to make a statement to confirm just how at ease she felt in our marriage. Finally, she found the words she wanted to say:

If I did a heart-shaped poo, I would invite you into the toilet to look at it.

Man chasing woman, with tongue

Tue, 28 Feb 2012 00:00:00 +0000

Four times lucky

Mon, 27 Feb 2012 00:00:00 +0000

Doing the ladies

Sun, 26 Feb 2012 00:00:00 +0000

Rather busy the last couple of days, shooting ladies on horses.

The ladies tournament features teams with three ladies and one man. The male is limited as to what he is allowed to do, but it does include interfering with the opposition:

Drying robes

Tue, 21 Feb 2012 00:00:00 +0000

Pigeon

Tue, 21 Feb 2012 00:00:00 +0000

The price of paradise

Tue, 21 Feb 2012 00:00:00 +0000

I like living in Thailand. It is not perfect by any means, but on balance there is nowhere else I would rather be, especially as she who must be obeyed would collapse into a spice-free mess if I took her away from a regular supply of the food she loves.

Living here as a retiree requires an annual visit to the immigration department and I have nothing but praise for the people who work there. Just stand by the doorway for a few minutes and experience the influx of foul smelling, badly dressed, ill-informed, grumpy selection of humanity than arrives expecting service. And that’s just the French. And in response there is politeness and smiles from the Thai staff. Personally I would be going Basil Fawlty on their Gallic arses in a matter of minutes; but I am not designed to service the public.

Ocean 1, a lack of foundation

Mon, 20 Feb 2012 00:00:00 +0000

The history of the Ocean 1 project, reported here many times, has been a rollercoaster ride; mainly in the downward direction.

After years of inactivity, I recall the frisson of excitement that rippled through the Pattaya community when Siam Royal Best Enterprises, the developers, announced the arrival of a concrete batching plant which would be used to create the foundations. Exciting times, and the news was displayed on the Ocean 1 website.

Sadly, this was to be the last ever news update. Even more sadly, for those who had “invested” in this magnificent enterprise, the concrete plant was soon churning out concrete, but none of it was being used for foundations. Instead, the concrete was being transported to other projects that were actually being constructed.

This sad charade continued for a couple years, until one of my loyal readers who will remain nameless (thank you Egglebert), sent me some shots showing that the batching plant was being dismantled without ever having fulfilled its proclaimed purpose:

Took a trip down to the site the other day and the it looks pretty much as it did when the project was first launched five (six? seven?) years ago:

A temple in the countryside

Sat, 18 Feb 2012 00:00:00 +0000

Suitable for a magazine cover

Sat, 18 Feb 2012 00:00:00 +0000

“Glue factory essentials monthly” perhaps? Whatever, I think it is a pretty good shot.

A full week

Fri, 17 Feb 2012 00:00:00 +0000

It’s been a busy week, low-light of which was a trip to Bangkok on Wednesday to attend a meeting of our condo committee. Somehow I ended up as secretary to the committee, which means I spent some time before the meeting preparing for it, and some time after the meeting writing the minutes to reflect what I wanted them to say rather than what actually happened (one of the perks of the job). Then of course there was the kissing contest to be photographed and written about and other mundane tasks such as lining up documents for my retirement visa extension next week.

And then there was a condo to photograph. We have a friend with a condo who wants to rent it out and needed some snaps to stick on the advertisement. Who’s she gonna call?

The condo has big, bright windows, which means the photos did a good job of displaying blown-out highlights in the window area rather than highlighting what a desirable residence it might be:

My homeland is screwed

Fri, 17 Feb 2012 00:00:00 +0000

I was beaten as a child. I can clearly remember the day my father put me over his knee and gave my backside a bit of a beating. I also remember the circumstances that led up to the event.

I was around eight years old and had been on a school trip. I didn’t have any money with me and when all the other kids bought ice cream, I couldn’t. Luckily for me, a teacher took pity on me and bought me one.

Doesn't have a leg to stand on

Wed, 15 Feb 2012 00:00:00 +0000

If one had to evaluate Saeid Moradi’s performance as an international assassin; “could do better” would be verging on the kind.

Moradi and his chums had a nice little bomb factory going in a house in the suburbs of Bangkok; until one of the bombs exploded and removed the roof off the house. Moradi’s chums took off immediately and headed in a taxi to the airport (where one was promptly arrested and the other caught in Malaysia). But Moradi had been hurt in the blast so left a little later. He didn’t use the time to clean himself up however and his slightly bloody countenance was probably why taxis refused to stop for him.

I kiss you long time

Tue, 14 Feb 2012 00:00:00 +0000

It’s Valentine’s Day (apparently) and the moral police are out in force as usual. Sixty million condoms are being distributed (although I haven’t been given mine yet) and teenagers are being advised that Valentine’s Day is not an appropriate day under Thai culture to have a first sexual experience; although no guidance is being given as to when would be an appropriate day.

Extra police have been drafted in and “officers will be patrolling entertainment venues, motels, apartments with rooms for rent at a daily rate, snooker halls, internet cafes, and any other areas that underage teens may gather to take drugs and engage in sexual activities.” Personally, I am going to patrol an internet cafe and see if I can spot a couple fornicating on the function keys, should make for a good shot.

In Pattaya we have our own unique take on this romantic day, a bid to break the world record for the world’s longest kiss. Entrance to the competition was open to “couples who are husband and wife or lovers as man-man, woman-woman who have been living together for not less than one year”. This seemed to specifically excluded male/female couples who were not married and I immediately lodged a complaint with the International Court of Human Rights, Petty Claims Division.

I went to check out the competition yesterday and was greeted by a stern warning sign:

Burapa Bike Week 2012

Sat, 11 Feb 2012 00:00:00 +0000

Je t'adoor

Thu, 09 Feb 2012 00:00:00 +0000

One of those days

Thu, 09 Feb 2012 00:00:00 +0000

Stuff I had to do today:

Convert a single movie into 8 sub-movies and burn to DVD.
Work on a shoot of a condo, which needed HDR on nearly every view to get a balance between the inside and outside light.
Manage requests from a client who wanted a different emphasis from my shoots than the one I felt was right.
Take photos of a particularly obstinate LED light that refused to be photographed as the client required.
Spend time with my wife on her day off.

Needless to say, I failed to complete all of these; but at the end of the day it seemed right to take my beloved to Bruno’s for a fine meal, finished off by a “special coffee”

Olympus OM-D

Wed, 08 Feb 2012 00:00:00 +0000

I warned you there would be a camera tech post on 8th February, and here it is…

In 1959, Olympus introduced the Olympus Pen.

This was the camera that launched Olympus as a manufacturer of small cameras; and Olympus brought back the name in 2009 when they launched their first micro four thirds camera, the Olympus PEN EP-1. She who must be obeyed is a proud owner, to the extent that she won’t let me sell it even though she doesn’t use it any more.

Asian Dragon Boat Championship

Tue, 07 Feb 2012 00:00:00 +0000

Meals on legs

Sat, 04 Feb 2012 00:00:00 +0000

Open air hair

Sat, 04 Feb 2012 00:00:00 +0000

You could go to a salon to get your hair done; or you could save a load of cash by having your friend attend to your needs out on the street, while other friends eat snacks and provide criticism.

Bang Saen Speed Festival

Fri, 03 Feb 2012 00:00:00 +0000

This time of year sees a load of activities in the Pattaya area. Last weekend was the ridiculous but amusing bed race which I did not get to photograph due to horse commitments. Here’s the event from two years ago if you want a reminder. Next weekend sees the Burapha Bikes, and during the week there is apparently some dragon boat racing although nobody seems to know anything about it apart from a poster. Then there is tennis and LPGA golf and no doubt other things I have yet to find out about. But this weekend there is the Bang Saen Speed Festival.

Bang Saen is a seaside town to the north of here and every year they close off the roads and hold four days of motor racing; so well done them.

I made the trip down there this morning, partially because my mother-in-law is visiting, but also because ace windsurfer and all-round nice guy Dean was driving in a four hour race.

The track is a street circuit very like Monaco, with no run-off areas to fall into if you screw up. But unlike Monaco, there was no glamour. Or so I thought until I walked into the pit area:

A matter of definition

Thu, 02 Feb 2012 00:00:00 +0000

An urgent SMS from she who must be obeyed. “Is someone who talks over something (like a football match) called a voice over person or a commentator?”

I send the only response possible: “Someone who talks over something is known as a wife; but I think the word you are looking for is “commentator”.

No response. I can expect a verbal kicking later.

Comments 🔗

2012-02-03 | genuinej says

Did you get your deserved verbal kicking? I hope so and that you can share it with us. Taking the piss out of a loved one is well out of order.

Evening boats

Thu, 02 Feb 2012 00:00:00 +0000

Coffee and a cigarette

Wed, 01 Feb 2012 00:00:00 +0000

Goodbye HSBC

Wed, 01 Feb 2012 00:00:00 +0000

My last job before retirement was something of a challenge. For reasons I will never understand, it had been decided to sell the company where I had spent more than four happy year years. For other reasons, which I will also never understand, I was asked to manage the transition process to the new owner.

Fairly obviously, a key component of the task was communication. Before the sale was announced, we had drawn up a detailed plan as to how we would communicate with everyone affected by the sale. On the day the sale was announced, all the staff were gathered together at our two locations and given a briefing. We told them what we knew, we told them what we didn’t yet know, we gave them names of people to talk to, and we undertook to keep on communicating with them throughout the process, and we did. We sent a letter to all our suppliers and contractors and government contacts; and of course there was the usual press briefing. Over the next couple of months we kept up this communication barrage and it was fundamental to what I like to think was a smooth transition. And of course, once I had finished the job, I was made redundant. Win!

A focus on focus

Mon, 30 Jan 2012 00:00:00 +0000

The Canon 1D is a pretty amazing piece of machinery. Consider the shot below (and yes, I know I promised no more polo; sorry):

Announcing a tech-free February

Mon, 30 Jan 2012 00:00:00 +0000

Gentle reader,

Those of you who are regular visitors to this organ will no doubt have initially welcomed the increase in posts this month, only to find that the majority of them were concerned with camera tech, a subject in which you probably have no interest. How disappointing for you. Probably of little comfort for you to know that January marks a new high in visitor numbers to Pattaya Days, mainly due to a link to my GX1 review from the DPreview site which has a zillion visitors per second.

The great* GX1 vs X100 showdown

Mon, 30 Jan 2012 00:00:00 +0000

*completely trivial

Some time ago I wrote a review of the Fuji X100. To save you the trouble, my conclusion was: “as a carry everywhere camera which produces beautiful photos even when the light is low, which is discrete and non-threatening on the street and is a pleasure to hold and operate (usually), then it is hard to beat”.

More recently I wrote a review of the Panasonic GX1.To save you the trouble, my conclusion was: “I think the GX1 is the best compact system camera on the market right now”.

It would appear that I am an overly effusive in my praise. Cut the bullshit Spike, which one of these cameras is best?

I freely admit that I bought the X100 based not on any need, but because it looked beautiful and took beautiful photos. It was a slower than my GF1, the interface was crap and macro was a non-starter. But the viewfinder was spectacular and the images that popped out of it were so much cleaner than the GF1; especially at higher ISOs.

If you are not in a rush, The X100 will be a willing companion and reward you with some lovely photographs. And I have enjoyed it in that mode, although I have at times been tempted to throw it against a wall in frustration thanks to its shitty interface.

And now there is a GX1 in my life and the failings of the X100 are amplified. The X100 is a slow to focus, especially in low light. The GF1 was faster, the GX1 is faster still. I was taking some social event photos at the weekend. I have been using the X100 because of the quality of the output, the downside of this is having to ask your subjects to talk amongst themselves while you try and persuade the damn thing to lock focus. This weekend, in frustration, I pulled out the GX1. Instant focus lock, even in the semi-darkness. Refreshing.

The interface of the X100 was designed by a committee; on crack. A charming idiosyncrasy becomes wearing over time. The GF1 was better, the GX1 is way better, with tactile buttons, touch screen, quick menus and four programmable function keys. The knurled knobs on the X100 are all very well; but if the rest of the controls are buried in menus you can’t reach because the button is too small for your finger….

Ah, but the viewfinder. Well indeed, the X100 hybrid viewfinder is a thing of joy and the GF1 viewfinder is the opposite of a thing of joy. But the GX1 viewfinder is a much improved beast, although the vote would still go to the X100 on that one. Oh, and it also wins on the silent shutter issue; given that it has one and the GX1 doesn’t.

Lenses? The X100 has one and it is very good. The GX1 of course has access to an entire world of lens-based goodness, so it is not a fair comparison; but worth noting in passing that the X100 gives you a camera and the GX1 gives you a system.

But, but, what about the images I hear you not asking? The X100 stood clearly above the GF1 on that one. Lovely smooth images with good colours straight out of the camera. Similar could come out of the GF1, but you had to work on them; and they never had that Fuji look.

So how does the GX1 stack up? Let’s have straightforward daylight shot, a medium where the Fuji shines:

I see stars

Sun, 29 Jan 2012 00:00:00 +0000

She who must be obeyed is a fan of twinkly things. Jewellery of course, and if the jewellery twinkles can be augmenting some vile Japanese cartoon creation, then that is even more pleasing to her eyes. She also like twinkles in photos. When she saw this…

Saturday hot shot

Sun, 29 Jan 2012 00:00:00 +0000

Trust you had a pleasant day yesterday. I spent it stood on a field at a spot where I usually stand, but this time I was joined by a large number of ants who found it amusing to bite my ankles throughout the afternoon. And it was hot, brain-melting humid heat which sapped my will to live.

But it was worth it for a handful of shots like this:

Sunday contortions

Sun, 29 Jan 2012 00:00:00 +0000

Another afternoon of standing in the heat. I thought this was still meant to be winter….

Anyway, a higher level of player this weekend which means they are prepared to assume positions on a horse which look foolhardy to me; but then I am not Argentinian and I was not born in a stable (which makes me wonder, the purportedly magic Jew must have been an ace polo player).

So, a selection of shots showing grown men doing stuff they probably shouldn’t.

Leaning forward:

A gentleman's timepiece

Sat, 28 Jan 2012 00:00:00 +0000

There comes a time in life when a gentleman has achieved much of what he set out to achieve. He finds himself comfortably well-off and able to indulge himself in the finer things in life. A pleasant home, a motorised carriage with at least 500 horsepower and all the accessories for the living of a civilised life.

A most necessary item for any gentleman is an appropriate timepiece to sport upon his wrist. Known by the lower classes as a “watch”, a real gentleman knows that his horological enhancement exists not just remind him when it is appropriate to open the gin (10:30, if you didn’t know), but it is also a statement of his class, his achievements, his status within the world.

So, how about a Jaeger LeCoultre Reverso 80th anniversary special edition in pink gold?

A public service announcement

Sat, 28 Jan 2012 00:00:00 +0000

I realise that this site has already descended into being a camera tech blog; and this is not going to help, but….

I seem to have been indirectly responsible for a few of my gentle readers investing in the very fine Panasonic GX1. Those readers may like to know that Panasonic have released a firmware (or as we call it in this home, spermware) update for the GX1. You can, and probably should, get it here.

False sense of security

Fri, 27 Jan 2012 00:00:00 +0000

Just when you were getting comfortable with assorted camera related ramblings, you may have forgotten that, in the background, lurks the inevitable polo photo.

So here it is.

What's in a Wordle

Thu, 26 Jan 2012 00:00:00 +0000

You see them cluttering up trendy magazines; current buzzwords scattered over the page in a variety of colours and orientations. I believe they are called “word clouds”, and they are utterly pointless. All the more reason why you should make some of your own.

You can guess which web site this was extracted from:

Grafitti duck

Wed, 25 Jan 2012 00:00:00 +0000

Road barrier dog

Wed, 25 Jan 2012 00:00:00 +0000

The tweak

Wed, 25 Jan 2012 00:00:00 +0000

Warning: If you have no interest in processing images, then read no further. 🔗

Tradition has it that wisdom is passed down through the generations. Well, not in our family; in our family it is passed up.

My main contribution to the upbringing of The Son was to impress upon him the importance of always having a can of WD-40 to hand. In return he has provided me with guidance on a number of topics, including how to make my photos look better. I could pass this wisdom back up the line to my father, but he is long gone and never held a camera anyway, so I will share it with you.

How do you look at your photos? If you are like me you mainly obsess over them on a computer monitor, often zoomed in at 100% so I can fret over the flaws. And how do others see your photos? If you are like me, then they view a reduced version via the web; perhaps on Facebook, Pattaya Days or via email.

If you want your photos to look wonderful full size, perhaps for printing large prints or just to make you feel good when you do your zooming in thing; then I can’t help you. There is plenty of information and many pieces of software that will help you in your quest to produce a wall-sized poster of your art. But if you are looking to produce good looking images at the sort of size you share on the web, then this might be for you.

The Son told me about this after I kept complaining about his photos. We both shot with a GF1 and the same lenses, but his photos always looked crisper than mine. Ignoring the fact that he has a better “eye” for composition than his father, whatever he shot just looked better on the screen. How?

Here’s how:

First, you will need Photoshop. Either the several thousand dollar boxed set of the latest Creative Suite, or a 100 baht copy of some version. Naturally, I recommend the former and use the latter. And you will need a photo to work on.

Whatever software you use to process your photos (I use Lightroom), get the following out of the way first:

Make any adjustments you want to the image (cropping, exposure compensation etc.)
Remove any noise. If you have noise and have to reduce it, the result will always be a softer image, and the tweak will help resolve that. There are a number of software applications for noise removal, but I find Lightroom to be an adequate solution.
If your software has any pre-specified sharpening, remove it. For example, Lightroom has a default 25% sharpening which you should remove by pushing the slider back to zero.

This is how the develop panel in Lightroom looks before I export, no sharpening and some noise reduction:

From Lightroom, I export full-size as a PSD and then open that file in Photoshop.

The tweak has four steps:

An initial reduction in the size of the image which will include some mild sharpening.
Sharpen
Reduce the size of the image again to the final size required, this step will also include some mild sharpening
Convert to JPEG and astound the world.

As you work through this, it may seem rather a lot of work to do on every photo. But you only have to do it once. Save the steps as an Action and then just apply the Action every time you want to use the tweak. More about Actions here.

This is the image I am going to tweak:

It was shot in a dark environment at ISO 1600, so I had to remove some of the noise, leaving the image looking a little soft.

So, load it into Photoshop and the first step is to reduce the size. Go to Image/Image size and make the length of the longest side (as this is a portrait image, choose the height) to 2,000 pixels.

Tick the boxes as shown and make sure you choose Bicubic Sharper, this will lightly sharpen the image as it is reduced in size. Click OK.

On to step 2, the main sharpening. First, we are going to change the colour mode of the image to Lab. Go to Image and change the colour from RGB to Lab.

If you want to know more about Lab mode, then Google will keep you busy for hours; all you need to know for the tweak is that it a good colour mode for sharpening.

Next step, head across onto to your menus, select Channels and you will see all the Lab channels highlighted. Click on Lightness so that it is the only channel highlighted, and note that your image has turned to greyscale.

Now it’s sharpening time. Select Filter/Sharpen/Smart Sharpen:

And you will get this:

Make sure you have the various options set as shown above, apart from the sliders which need a bit of discussion.

Radius: 1.2px as shown works well for 12 megapixel Micro Four Thirds size sensors. For larger sensors, like the X100, I find a lower value, around 0.9, works better.

Amount: Play around with this value. You will probably need more than 40 to make a difference, and more than 60 may start to degrade your image. As my test image has been softened by noise removal I am using quite a high value.

There are many things that can influence the “amount” settings. Different lenses, perhaps a bit of camera shake, noise reduction, all can impact how much you need to sharpen. After a bit of experience you will learn what values work best for your images. Click OK when you are happy with the preview.

Sharpening done, go back to Image/Mode and change the colour mode back to RGB.

Step 3, and we are now going to bring the image down to the final size and do some mild sharpening along the way.

Specify the size of the longest side. I use 1000 pixels, which is the size you see when you click on a Pattaya Days image. If you are producing an image for Facebook, use 720 pixels. Click OK.

That’s the processing done. Final steps are to save the file as a JPEG. Go to File/Save As and save your masterpiece as a JPEG:

Done!! If you have been following along and creating an Action, now is the time to stop it.

Your Action should look almost like this:

What it won’t have is that little box next to Smart Sharpen. Click on the space to add that box. Now run your action against another image. A dialog box will pop up to allow you to specify the sharpening settings. When you close that box, the Action will finish and you file will be created. Easy! You can also put a flag against the second “Image Size” step if you want to pick different sizes from time to time. Save your Action. Now you can use it anytime without having to step through the process.

Here is the result of the tweak on my test image:

And this was the image before the tweak:

View full size by clicking on them; the improvement is subtle but the processed image has more pop and clarity.

Here’s another one. Shot at base ISO with the GF1, there was only a tiny bit of noise to remove and the image was OK without the tweak. But even so, the tweak gave it a little something extra (click to view full size):

Original:

The many arms of Guan Yin

Tue, 24 Jan 2012 00:00:00 +0000

She who must be obeyed is something of a Guan Yin admirer, so I took this shot for her:

A curious affliction

Mon, 23 Jan 2012 00:00:00 +0000

Chasing the dragon

Mon, 23 Jan 2012 00:00:00 +0000

There are no public holidays in Thailand for Chinese New Year, which is strange given that much of the population is of Chinese origin. Still, any excuse for a parade and there was a dragon confusing Russian tourists in Walking Street last night.

Bit of a rip-off

Sat, 21 Jan 2012 00:00:00 +0000

A meeting with the Pattaya Ghost in Starbucks TukCom (who manage to provide me with a mug). The Ghost has succumbed and is now the proud owner of an EPL-3; and, following a trip to Bangkok, also the proud owner of a Panasonic 20mm and Olympus 45mm. Sticking some good photos on Facebook too, so he seems to be happy with his new purchase.

Whilst in Bangkok I asked him to pick up a hood for my Olympus 45mm. An outrageous price of 1,400 baht; but I suppose that’s what you pay for a brushed metal piece of gorgeousness, except it turns out to be a silver painted lump of plastic. Not impressed; but as I don’t have a filter on the lens it will keep it away from harm.

Only sleeping

Sat, 21 Jan 2012 00:00:00 +0000

The chicken vs the pot

Sat, 21 Jan 2012 00:00:00 +0000

The pot won….

The lottery ticket seller

Sat, 21 Jan 2012 00:00:00 +0000

Continuous R.E.M.

Thu, 19 Jan 2012 00:00:00 +0000

Got round to watching a one hour show entitled R.E.M. at the BBC which, as expected, was a retrospective of some of their best live performances on BBC TV. Produced following the announcement that the band is splitting up, it was a reminder of their inventive music, how great they were as a live act, and how many of their songs have marked significant moments in my life.

Even though I already have most of their albums, it was off to iTunes to buy the double album reflecting their thirty year career. Have been playing it ever since and have had to revert to headphones following one of those looks from she who must be obeyed.

Mucking about with macro

Thu, 19 Jan 2012 00:00:00 +0000

Sudden post lunch urge to take a photo or two and raided the limited balcony flower collection for a few shots. All with Panasonic GX1 and either Voigtlander 25mm or Yashica 55mm Macro. First two processed through Topaz B&W Effects, the last one just in Lightroom.

A failed marriage

Wed, 18 Jan 2012 00:00:00 +0000

She who must be obeyed just asked me how long we had been together. This was a rhetorical question because she knew I would have no idea. Turns out she wasn’t sure either and she resorted to her email store of memories. The answer was “almost nine years”, an excellent result because that means there is no immediate need for significant anniversary gifts.

In spite of our extended relationship, I regret I have to announce that I got married to someone else last week; albeit briefly. Fortunately for the sanctity of my genitals, this all happened within the world of Skyrim.

Dear Starbucks

Tue, 17 Jan 2012 00:00:00 +0000

Dear Starbucks Thailand,

I often ask myself why I frequent Starbucks. It certainly isn’t for your coffee. I can find better coffee at lower prices at a number of other outlets, and indeed I must admit I can pull a pretty good shot myself with my coffee machine.

But this morning, as with many other mornings, I found myself at your outlet in Central Beach Pattaya for a morning coffee in the company of my dear wife. We go to Starbucks for what I am sure your marketing people call “the Starbucks experience”. We can sit in comfortable chairs, in pleasant surroundings, without being blasted by techno and only occasionally being annoyed by other people’s children, nursing a substantial mug of coffee for as long as we choose.

Only this morning, we couldn’t. Because there were no mugs.

Sacrebleu! I exclaimed (I tend to revert to old French when surprised). Your charming sales lady explained that you are moving to a new logo and the mugs had the old logo so they could not be used. Instead I was given my cappuccino in a crappy cardboard cup festooned with Xmas motifs. If I had wanted a coffee in a crappy cardboard cup festooned with Xmas motifs I would have gone to a cheaper outlet. At Xmas.

Now listen here Starbucks. I understand the importance of brand, I really do. I spent more than thirty years working for an oil company who considered that their rendition of a sea shell was more sacrosanct than Mona Lisa’s leer. But if you are going to change your brand logo, plan it properly. Get your new branded items ready and then swap them for the old. Don’t throw away the old and then fob off your customers with cardboard crap in what could be seen to be as a feeble attempt to clear old Xmas stock.

Were you worried that serving customers with coffee in mugs bearing last week’s brand was somehow going to offend them? Oh my God, this brand is so last week! I demand a refund and might well projectile vomit the coffee over this finally upholstered chair in protest! Hate to let you down, but we are just aware of a green blob on the mug; if it were a different green blob we wouldn’t notice. But if the mug was suddenly a cardboard cup bearing effigies of a reindeer in what appeared to be an advanced state of paralysis, with fairy lights, then yes we definitely would, and did, notice that.

I note your mission statement includes the line: “Develop enthusiastically satisfied customers all of the time”. I am neither enthusiastic nor satisfied and will not be back until you are serving coffee in mugs again, and I don’t care what logo is on the side.

Yours Sincerely, Spike

Nazi boy

Mon, 16 Jan 2012 00:00:00 +0000

Just waiting around till he gets a good kicking.

On the street

Mon, 16 Jan 2012 00:00:00 +0000

Panasonic GX1 review

Mon, 16 Jan 2012 00:00:00 +0000

Once upon a time, in a land far away, there were two main types of cameras. There was the DSLR, a camera where you looked through a viewfinder and saw through the lens. This required a flapping mirror device which had many shortcomings; but was the only way you could effectively work with different lenses on the same body. And then there was the point and shoot camera for those who just wanted to take snaps and had no interest in fiddling about with lenses.

And Panasonic and Olympus saw this situation, and verily they saw that it was nonsense. Surely there was a market for an interchangeable lens system without the size, weight and complexity of a DSLR? And there was, and they called it Micro Four Thirds (MFT) and it was announced in August 2008.

Odd date

Sun, 15 Jan 2012 00:00:00 +0000

Damn right….

Death in the afternoon

Fri, 13 Jan 2012 00:00:00 +0000

Had to make a trip to Bangkok today, and on the way back I stopped off at a Chinese cemetery that I have wanted to visit for some time. The light was dull; so I stuck most of the shots through Topaz B&W Effects. Particularly like the first one which has an infrared treatment, and I used the local brush in Topaz to bring back the red lettering. All shots taken with a Panasonic GX1 with an Olympus 45mm lens, because that is the only lens I had with me.

No dambusters

Fri, 13 Jan 2012 00:00:00 +0000

Dekchai Plaboo could see the future. Thirty seven years ago he successfully predicted the 2003 Thailand tsunami; at least according to his father who announced this fact many years after the tsunami took place. Dekchai also predicted that the Bhumipol Dam would collapse on December 31st of last year. The dam is a popular tourist attraction and people stayed away over the danger period, costing four million baht in lost tourist income.

An upgraded Allen Key

Wed, 11 Jan 2012 00:00:00 +0000

She who must be obeyed has a day off and we head for Bangkok to renew her passport, just in case we decide to go overseas at some point, which is currently unlikely.

The passport office used to be high up, next to a car park in Central Bang-Na; and a scruffy unwelcoming place it was too. Now it has moved to the basement of the same building, but it has taken the scruffy, unwelcoming bits along for the ride. And it is busy, horrendously so.

I find a seat a long way away from anyone, and my wife enters the scrum; emerging some time later with a piece of paper bearing the number 777. As they are currently processing number 481, a long wait is in store. We go for a pizza and come back in an hour to find the counter has only crawled to 523; no chance of getting served today.

So we head for she who must be obeyed’s real reason for coming to Bangkok, a trip to IKEA.

Fashion Models

Tue, 10 Jan 2012 00:00:00 +0000

The best just got better

Tue, 10 Jan 2012 00:00:00 +0000

Adobe are known, admired and despised for the massive software bundle that is their Creative Suite. One of the bundle is Photoshop and this used to be the standard for Photo manipulation; and a right pain in the arse it was, and probably still is.

I vaguely recall working through a twenty hour training course. At the end of it I had forgotten the features taught in the early part of the course. A couple of weeks later and I had forgotten all of it. Problem is, what I wanted to do with a typical photo was a few simple tweaks; which were littered all over the place in Photoshop and in a non-intuitive jumble of options.

Not a good day for the blood pressure

Mon, 09 Jan 2012 00:00:00 +0000

So I had just finished a product photo shoot and was loading the shots to my computer for an appraisal when…. blackness. The computer light was still on but the monitors were blank. Oh dear.

I have been having problems with one of the five hard drives in my machine refusing to connect. Perhaps nearing the end of its life, and maybe it was causing the problem. So I took it out and re-booted. Success! For about five minutes and then it happened again. It did seem a little hot inside, so I turned it off and let it cool down and tried again. Ten minutes and then death, and this time I finally worked out that the graphics card was red hot, and that was because the fan in the card wasn’t moving. Tapped the fan and away it went and it seemed to be OK. Checking the web and it appears it is a common problem with this ATI card and it will probably eventually fail. Oh, and the hard drive is still not happy.

Thirty nine hours and just getting started

Sun, 08 Jan 2012 00:00:00 +0000

Imagine a massive world, where every blade of grass, every rock, every tiny item inside a house, has been crafted and placed there. Imagine this world alive with sounds and movement, the spindrift of the snow on the mountains, leaves falling from trees, animals moving through the undergrowth. Whether it is dark or sunny, misty or clear, raining or snowing; it is beautiful.

Now imagine the world filled with more than 350 locations, from large towns to small underground caverns. Imagine different races of people, different cultures, all waiting to interact with you with more than 60,000 lines of script. Imagine hundreds of books to be read, puzzles to be unlocked and quests to undertake. Welcome to the world of Skyrim.

Anyone have some spare eggs?

Sat, 07 Jan 2012 00:00:00 +0000

Reading through the GX1 manual and I find it has a “super high speed” shutter mode which knocks out up to 20 shots a second. Image size is substantially degraded but it has to be tried out. Let’s drop a ten baht coin into a bowl of water….

Fiddling with flowers

Fri, 06 Jan 2012 00:00:00 +0000

Popped out to my usual haunts this afternoon for some GX1/GF1 comparison action; but I ended up just enjoying taking some photos and the comparison went out of the window. I thought this was quite stark and interesting, shot almost directly into the sun:

A new flame has come

Thu, 05 Jan 2012 00:00:00 +0000

It was a difficult conversation with my wife.

You said it was love for life, she said with bewildered eyes.

I know, I replied, not daring to look at her.

You said this was all you would ever need.

I know.

Why, only yesterday you breathed “I love you”.

I know.

So, why? I just need to know.

Well, I just feel the need for a new experience.

A new experience!!??

Yes, well, younger, faster, more sexy.

Typical man….

Yes, today I went to Bangkok and came home with a Panasonic GX1, the younger, faster, sexier upgrade to the GF1. Report undoubtedly to follow.

An excess of fish food

Wed, 04 Jan 2012 00:00:00 +0000

Belated birthday wishes

Tue, 03 Jan 2012 00:00:00 +0000

When I was seventeen I started work for the grand salary of thirteen pounds a month. Feeble recompense, even in those days; but somehow I managed to save some cash and eventually bought my first camera, a Russian-made Zenit-E for the sum of seventeen pounds. It was an agricultural monster of an SLR, with a mirror that would make the room (and the photo) shake every time you pressed the shutter. But it was mine and I had paid for it and many rolls of film passed through its sprockets until it died and was melted down to make a tractor.

After that, I had Canon SLRs for most of my adult life. Come the digital revolution I bought a Canon 300D and then a move to a 30D when I retired. Then everything got a little out of hand.

I used to enjoy shooting sports, and soon people started offering me money to shoot sports in various locations. As the money came in I started to upgrade my gear, and by 2009 I was up to a Canon 1D and a load of lenses. A trip to shoot a round of the Indian Rally Championship found me checking in for my flight with fifteen kilos of camera and (some of my) lenses in a rucksack. Fortunately, nobody bothered to check the weight of my carry-on baggage, they just assumed that I always walked as if I had a sack of coal on my back. Holiday trips with she who must be obeyed found me hauling similar weights around the place; just ridiculous.

Then, in December 2009, I bought this:

I'm a W.E.L.D.E.R.

Mon, 02 Jan 2012 00:00:00 +0000

One of the questions I am asked most often is “How do you amuse yourself whilst sitting on the toilet?” The other frequently asked question is “Why do you invent questions that nobody has ever asked you?”.

The answer to the first question used to be “Angry Birds”; but now it is W.E.L.D.E.R.; to be known in future as Welder because it is a bugger to type all those full stops in the right place.

As we all don’t know, W.E.L.D.E.R. (damn, I had to do it again) stands for Word Examination Laboratory for Dynamic Extraction and Reassessment. Which means nothing. But it’s an excuse for the game to make machinery type noises which you soon turn off as you spend your time forming (sorry, welding) words.

But if you forget the stupid title and the sounds, Welder is a time-consuming slice of genius.

You start with a Scrabble style board and move letters around to form words. The first few levels are easier enough, but the word count required gets higher and the moves available become shorter, and new types of tile are introduced. Red tiles can’t be moved by you, but will fall if you clear words underneath them. Brown, broken tiles (also known as “complete bastard tiles” by aficionados) cannot be moved at all, and words formed beneath them result in useless spaces, like this:

Let's get this over with

Sat, 31 Dec 2011 00:00:00 +0000

She who must be obeyed was in a quizzical mood this morning.

What do you hope for in the new year?

To be alive by the end of it. And to spend the year with you of course (excellent additional answer I thought). Oh, and to get this evening over with.

It’s a long time since I drank a crate of Newcastle Brown Ale and regurgitated the lot over my parent’s favourite sofa. It’s almost as long since I got drunk (Newcastle Brown again) and told my mother’s best friend I was in love with her before throwing up over her hair. Happy days.

Makes it all worthwhile

Fri, 30 Dec 2011 00:00:00 +0000

Somewhat weary after three days of photographing horses and now faced with a couple of thousand images to process. But then I find shots like this and it’s all worthwhile.

I love Spacefruit

Wed, 28 Dec 2011 00:00:00 +0000

Spacefruit is an excellent chap. This much is evident from the fact that he commissioned two books of photographs from me; for which I am very grateful.

His tastes in fine things extend from photographs to chocolate, and he recently returned from the UK with a large box of Flakes. When he complained that he was ballooning due to excess Flake consumption, I did the decent thing and offered to take some off his hands; “some” being about twenty flakes. Now I am growing.

However, I really must request that next time he comes back to Thailand with a catering size box, the carton he supplied was a bit of a squeeze for the cats.

Another convert

Mon, 26 Dec 2011 00:00:00 +0000

There is a very nice lady I know who has recently had a baby. My personal opinion of all babies is that they should be locked away in a cupboard until they are old enough to control their bowels and maintain a civilised conversation; but I appear to be in the minority. Most people like to take their babies everywhere, so that all may share the endless drooling and frequent howling; and this requires a substantial support system including a pram, nappies, food, post-poo change of clothes for baby, post-vomit change of clothes for mummy, towels, headache pills and goodness knows what else.

Oh, and a camera. It is important that every moment of baby’s life is captured, especially the embarrassing bits, so that the photos can be used to amuse future boy/girlfriends.

And my friend had a problem. In fact she had two problems but she only expressed the first one; “how can I take photos of my baby and have the background out of focus?”

It’s good that she asked me this question because one along the lines of “when do you think he will start teething?” would not have elicited a response. But throwing a background out of focus is something I know a little about.

I explained that she needed a lens with a wide aperture, around F2, so that she could have a narrow depth of field and therefore a blurry background (don’t understand? Go here). And then we looked at her camera. She has a chunky black DSLR with an even chunkier monster telephoto lens stuck on the front. The aperture was F5.6 and worse, which is why her backgrounds were more sharp than she would like. But one had to wonder what the point was of carrying round this substantial piece of kit just to photograph her child, when her arms were already full with baby and the attendant life support system. And that was her second problem; she was stuck with a heavy sports camera when all she needed was something light to take baby photos.

I had the answer. “You need a portrait lens with an F stop of F2 or better.” “I do?” “And the lens you need is the Olympus 45mm F1.8. Small, light and perfect for portraits” “Sounds great, I’ll get that!” “Just one problem.” “What?” “You will need a new camera to stick the lens on.” “Oh.”

Still, her interest was piqued, her husband was listening, and he took me to one side and gave me a pile of cash to go shopping. I made my choice and she got this for Xmas:

Counterfeit cats

Sun, 25 Dec 2011 00:00:00 +0000

Apparently it’s Christmas, a day I have managed to mainly disregard for many years. Lunch was my usual plate of noodles and I was planning something equally festive for this evening. However, fate intervened when I received this from the creator of PattayaDaze:

Seasons Greetings - the making of

Sat, 24 Dec 2011 00:00:00 +0000

Taking a photo of a cat wearing a hat is no easy undertaking. Especially with our cats.

Cat 1: Tiki - Feisty, inquisitive, involved, behaves more like a dog and does not take shit from anyone, especially someone wanting to put something on her head. Attempts to introduce her to a floppy Xmas hat were rejected with extreme prejudice.

Seasons greetings

Fri, 23 Dec 2011 00:00:00 +0000

Too many squid

Thu, 22 Dec 2011 00:00:00 +0000

Yesterday I had to get up early and drag myself to Bangkok. Felt like death driving there, and after a frustrating six hour condo management committee meeting, and then driving back; I felt even more like death and retired to bed in a state of complete exhaustion with added coughing.

This morning I awoke at 0800 feeling substantially refreshed and, for the first time in a week, in the mood to actually do something. Luckily, my return to life coincided with a day off work for she who must be obeyed; so when she suggested we go and photograph some dried squid, I happily said “yes”, rather than coming out with a more obvious “why?”.

This dry squid outing has been on the cards for a while and I know not why; but off we went and eventually found a place with tonnes of squid and a few kilos of fish laid out in the sun to dry.

Fireworks fiasco

Tue, 20 Dec 2011 00:00:00 +0000

Plans to go shoot the firework festival were disrupted by the return of man flu; this time featuring an even more unpleasant version.

I am sick of being sick. Clearly my immune system is not up to much and research has indicated I need more zinc. Consequently I am currently consuming sufficient daily zinc to galvanise a small shed roof. This is not making me feel any better.

Bollocks.

Comments 🔗

2011-12-20 | biggrtiggr says

Twenty three and a half hours early

Thu, 15 Dec 2011 00:00:00 +0000

This weekend sees the return of the International Fireworks Festival. Last year was a logistical nightmare and I was tempted just to stick up the same shots again, you lot would never notice.

But my conscience got the better of me and I decided to take some shots from the top of hill, might still look pretty and would avoid the traffic. The show was due to start at 1930, so I got a good shooting position at 1900 and waited. Surprisingly, nobody else turned up to watch so I had plenty of space to pace around and glance at my watch.

A waste of electricity

Wed, 14 Dec 2011 00:00:00 +0000

It’s the festive time of year again and the malls are festooned with lights, and as a result facing an extravagant electricity bill; to be paid for by what appears to be mainly Russian shoppers.

Still, this forced merriment gives me an opportunity to go and point a camera at the lights; this first attempt was taken around the Royal Garden Mall. Others to follow if I can work up the enthusiasm.

Same same but different

Wed, 14 Dec 2011 00:00:00 +0000

I was somewhat critical of the magnificent Lofts development from Raimon Land. In fact I was somewhat critical on a number of occasions; here, here and here.

My main complaint was not related to the design or the offered furnishings; it was more to do with the fact that they never built the bloody thing; in spite of appearing to have sold many units.

But never mind, because after many years of inactivity, the project is launched again for the consideration of another bunch of ~~dummies~~ investors. Perhaps wisely, the name has been changed from The Lofts to a computer operating system with an extra ‘x’; UNIXX. Personally I would have called it COBOLlocks.

Eclipse Combination

Sun, 11 Dec 2011 00:00:00 +0000

Eclipse

Sat, 10 Dec 2011 00:00:00 +0000

An afternoon Polo shoot and I was invited to stay for Asado, the excellent Argentinian BBQ custom involving massive quantities of meat. However I made my excuses and headed off to a nearby temple where my plan was to shoot the eclipse against the outline of a temple roof.

Completely stupid idea, because the exposure needed to control the brightness of the moon meant you could not see the temple in the photos. So I headed back to the polo club for too much food, interspersed with trips to the camera to take a shot.

This was the moon at 18:00:

Looking for the ball

Sat, 10 Dec 2011 00:00:00 +0000

What to do with 10,000 photos

Wed, 07 Dec 2011 00:00:00 +0000

[Traffic in Frenetic HCMC, Vietnam](http://vimeo.com/32958521) from [Rob Whitworth](http://vimeo.com/kwhi02) on [Vimeo](http://vimeo.com).

Great work.

Comments 🔗

2011-12-08 | Grant says

Brilliant! Bikes rule and not a pickup in sight. HCMC looks so much cleaner than Bangkok, is that true?

2011-12-08 | Spike says

No idea, never been. But it certainly looks appealing.

2011-12-08 | Grant says

Sure does, has to be worth a trip sometime. Could be something in the saying that Vietnam is the new Thailand… I’m up in Tharua right now and the usual mess and rubbish is ten times worse after the floods with little effort seeming to be made to clean up or repair the roads. Ayutthaya is in a dreadful state, very sad.

Hare who? Hare where? Hare really? Hare Hare

Tue, 06 Dec 2011 00:00:00 +0000

So I’m walking back down the beach, against the direction of the parade for the King, and the end of the procession is marked by some police cars. But wait, what’s this? There’s more.

And the more is a Hare Krishna parade. I have no idea how they persuaded City Hall to allow them to tag onto the end of the main parade; or maybe they just turned up and took advantage of a clear stretch of road. Whatever, they were all having a good time, doing the Hare Krishna mantra and handing out bags of peanuts; so they were well received. At least by me, I was starving.

The big parade

Tue, 06 Dec 2011 00:00:00 +0000

A parade for the King’s birthday was organised on beach road yesterday. I wasn’t sure how big it was going to be, but had not reckoned on half of Pattaya getting ready to march.

The entire length of beach road was busy with flag waving folk of all ages:

Watching the show

Tue, 06 Dec 2011 00:00:00 +0000

I think these guys deserve their own post. Was using F8 for the parade, should have gone back to F4 for this shot; but I still like it.

Comfort food

Mon, 05 Dec 2011 00:00:00 +0000

Just prior to the onslaught of man flu, I met up with genuinej. He is visiting Pattaya on one of his regular “golfing holidays” and he may even have remembered to bring his clubs this time.

Being the fine gentleman that he is, he came bearing gifts. Chocolate eggs, Flakes, Crunchies and, after noting my desire in a previous post, Twiglets!

I took the bag of goodies home, determined to photograph the pile before eating it. But then man flu struck and thoughts of photography soon faded. Instead, as I languished in my pit of pain and self-pity, what emerged was the need for a little snack to cheer myself up. God knows, I deserved it.

This morning I am happy to declare myself fit again, or at least as fit as a pensioner can be who spends most of his time slumped in a chair eating chocolate. Time to photograph the genuinej food hoard; or what’s left of it:

Fireworks for the King

Mon, 05 Dec 2011 00:00:00 +0000

Huge parade down Beach Road and Walking Street for H.M. The King’s birthday today, photos of that tomorrow.

And then this evening, fireworks over the bay which were about an hour later than scheduled, but worth the wait.

Jet Ski King's World Cup Grand Prix 2011

Sat, 03 Dec 2011 00:00:00 +0000

Some photos from the second day of the above event. Racing continues until Sunday evening on Jomtien beach if you want to take a look; entry to the grandstand is free.

Hello Kitty windfall

Thu, 01 Dec 2011 00:00:00 +0000

So there I am, slumped in front of my computer (I’m only a little better, thanks for asking), when there is a shriek from the occupant of the chair next to me. I glance across and there is some sort of Hello Kitty effigy on a computer screen, and a squealing she who must be obeyed.

“What’s wrong?” I manage to croak, in my best “never mind what you are doing, I need sympathy” voice. “184 dollars!!” is the reply. I fear an eBay transaction gone wrong. “What’s $184?” “This Hello Kitty numberplate.” “You just bought a Hello Kitty numberplate for $184? Are you mad?” “No, no, I just sold a photo of a Hello Kitty numberplate for $184!”

The scourge of man flu

Tue, 29 Nov 2011 00:00:00 +0000

All men have been there, all women don’t understand. Your throat is sore, your head aches, your nose runs; compared to this, having a baby would be a minor diversion.

She who must be obeyed has been mildly attentive, but not to the extent I deserve (full time coddling with cool hands, preferably dressed in a nurse’s uniform - her, not me). And anyway, she has been at work, so I have had to nurse myself. I have managed this by slumping in a chair and watching downloaded entertainment.

Resting boat

Mon, 28 Nov 2011 00:00:00 +0000

Heading home

Sun, 27 Nov 2011 00:00:00 +0000

Every flood has a silver lining

Sat, 26 Nov 2011 00:00:00 +0000

In search of another mocking piece on property development, I head off to see two sites which are taking a very different approach to sales.

The first is a condo to be built by A.D. who have thrown up cheap and cheerful blocks all over the place. They take a similar approach to sales, with a couple of tables and some chairs under an awning by the side of the road.

Just can't stop myself

Sat, 26 Nov 2011 00:00:00 +0000

While the wind howled outside, I spent far too long this morning fiddling with a website. Once lunch was out of the way and I had made my way to the windsurfing club, the wind was already dying. But never mind I had my camera with me.

Some loose change left around the house

Fri, 25 Nov 2011 00:00:00 +0000

Suphoth Sublom was until very recently the Transport Ministry permanent secretary. An important government post which probably carries a reasonable if not excessive salary. So it must have been a terrible shock when 5 million baht in cash, earmarked for his daughter’s wedding, was stolen from his house earlier this month.

Luckily for Suphoth, the police were quickly on the case, arrested some of the perpetrators, and retrieved his 5 million. Unluckily for Suptoth, the police recovered a good deal more than the 5 million, 17.5 million so far; with estimates that as much as 100 million may have been removed from the house. Oh dear.

One day living with a panda

Thu, 24 Nov 2011 00:00:00 +0000

She who must be obeyed wanted to “browse” the shops yesterday evening, which always means that I spend an hour or so playing games on my phone in a dark corner, while she lays waste to various retail outlets.

Yesterday the target was cosmetics, and I knew this long before being shown the contents of her shopping bags. To persuade her towards a purchase, the cosmetics staff had troweled on layers of gunk, and then added a rainbow of colours to her face, before finishing it all off with a coating of black tar around the eyes. She looked like a novelty drag act, and I was brave enough to tell her so. This came as no surprise as she knows my preference is for a touch of lip gloss and little else when it comes to make-up, and I would not be seen dead with her looking like she did.

An inedible gift

Tue, 22 Nov 2011 00:00:00 +0000

Neighbour Nic has been on one of his travels, this time to the south of Thailand; and as is often the case he returned with gifts. A pineapple, some rather excellent Thai cakes, assorted other snacks and a bag of food colouring of dubious parentage sprayed onto some crackers.

He saw me looking at the latter item with concern and assured me he had only bought it for me because he thought I might like to photograph it. So I did.

Bugger all else to do

Tue, 22 Nov 2011 00:00:00 +0000

A nasty head cold has meant I have not felt like doing much over the past couple of days. Just as well, because there was the small matter of 2,453 polo photos taken over the weekend which needed attention.

Not finished yet, but progress has been made and I am quite proud that I have had the willpower to only stick one photo on here.

So let’s make it two….

But is it art?

Mon, 21 Nov 2011 00:00:00 +0000

Even the most occasional reader will be aware that I enjoy photography. I would define myself as being technically competent; but not at all artistic. I have yet to produce a photo of such beauty that I would hang it on the wall and be proud of it; and I probably never will because I am not sufficiently creative.

If I need any confirmation of this, then a quick visit to 1x.com will remind me how far I am from the real photographers. 1X is a wonderful place to browse magnificent photography, like this:

Getting ink done

Sat, 19 Nov 2011 00:00:00 +0000

I am a great admirer of people with passions. I don’t really care what they are passionate about, just to have a consuming interest in something is enough to gain my respect. But I don’t understand the excitement over tattoos. For a start, it hurts; or at least I assume it does; and and if I wanted pain I would have married a German. Plus, once you are sick of the tattoo hobby, or the subjects thereof; you can’t just walk away from it. “I love Sarah Jane” is going to be emblazoned across your arse crack for ever.

But it clearly has an interest to some, because the annual tattoo festival was attracting crowds at Royal Garden Mall today. Took a few shots with the Fuji X100 at ISO3200.

Pardon me

Sat, 19 Nov 2011 00:00:00 +0000

The Thailand floods do seem to be diminishing at last, although several areas remain underwater and cleaning up is going to occupy many people for some time. Still, with the problem slowing draining into the Gulf, it’s time for the blame game to start and the Democrats have kicked things off by demanding the impeachment of various ministers for screwing up the relief effort.

Has the government, led by puppet Yingluck, screwed things up? Of course they have, massively. But would a Democrat government, led by puppet Abhisit, have done any better? Of course they wouldn’t. They both have figureheads capable of smiling, but the MPs of both parties are the usual self-serving rabble who would be initially surprised, and then spectacularly incompetent, when faced with any challenge that required putting the needs of the country before their own self-interest (and it has always been so, in every country. Katrina anyone?).

Perfection, eight hundred and twenty five times

Fri, 18 Nov 2011 00:00:00 +0000

I put a significant dent in my credit card this week with the acquisition of a new camera. Today was the day I was to find out whether it was worth the money.

Yes, sorry, but it was polo again, where I would estimate a previous success rate of around 70% sharp enough photos, and about 20% “make your eyes bleed they are so sharp” sharpness.

Today I took 825 polo shots. Having had a first look on the computer I would estimate 100% sharp enough photos, and at least 95% in the eyes bleeding category. Lovely colours, perfect exposure; great shots.

Here’s an example, click on it should you wish to see a larger than normal version.

Helianthus annuus genocide

Thu, 17 Nov 2011 00:00:00 +0000

Just over a week ago I took the proprietor of PattayaDaze for an outing to Silverlake. We were delighted to find a large collection of sunflowers, less delighted that the sun was behind them so we had to use flash to get some shots.

We decided a return trip was in order, at a time when the sun would be shining on the sunflowers, and we duly presented ourselves at the ticket office at 0830 this morning. The place had been open since 0800, but there was nobody in the ticket office to take our fifty baht; so we wandered down to the park and were duly stopped at the gate.

*Need ticket. No have, office empty. Need ticket. How can? Office empty. Need ticket. We’ll buy it on the way back. Need ticket. Here, have a hundred baht and you can buy the ticket for us; or keep the money, we just want to enter your park of loveliness. Need ticket. Oh fuck. * So we walked back up the hill and eventually extracted a young lady from the toilets who gave us our tickets in between examining the contents of her nose.

Not a good start and it was about to get worse. Last week there had been a huge bank of sunflowers, now there was just a mound of soil and some shoots of something that wasn’t a sunflower. Someone had killed all the sunflowers. I collared a gardener.

Where are the sunflowers? All gone. You do realise that this is ethnic cleansing and I will have to report you to the Flowers Rights Tribunal in the Hague? And let me tell you, I have lived in the Hague and there is dog poo everywhere and they put mayonnaise on their chips. You won’t like it. Eh? Oh fuck.

Sensing my disappointment, and fearful of twenty years sharing a cell with Radovan Karadžić, the gardener offered to show me some blue flowers. They were indeed quite pretty, but they did not make up for the sunflower massacre. It’ll be a while before I go to Silverlake again, just to spend half an hour trying to find someone to give me a ticket, only to discover that they have ripped up all the previous attractions and replaced them with soil.

Chicken, with a hint of road

Wed, 16 Nov 2011 00:00:00 +0000

She who must be obeyed was off work today and the wind was blowing. So after a morning of photo processing, some windsurfing was in order.

We go to the noodle restaurant not far from the club. Their noodles are cheap and tasty, as is their iced coffee; so the place is usually packed. The owners respond to this popularity in the only sensible way; they close the shop randomly several days a week.

Metrosexual me

Wed, 16 Nov 2011 00:00:00 +0000

I have a love/hate relationship with my face. I love having one, it serves as a convenient place to hang assorted body parts; but I hate the way that it looks. I manage this problem by avoiding mirrors wherever possible. The morning shave is achieved by squinting, and concentrating on the point being shaved; and for the rest of the day I avoid interaction with all reflective surfaces. Problem solved.

Same same, but different

Mon, 14 Nov 2011 00:00:00 +0000

I bought my Canon 1D Mark 3 more than four years ago. Since then it has repaid its rather substantial purchase price several times over doing sports and event photography for clients who are happy to pay for the photos but would not be happy for me splashing them all over Pattaya Days (there are no babes involved so you are not missing anything).

A couple of years ago Canon introduced the Mark 4 which was faster and produced bigger and better images; but I was happy with my Mark 3 and planned to wait till the Mark 4 dropped in price before upgrading. Now Canon have announced the 1DX which will be available around April of next year, which means the Mark 4 price is starting to drop. But it also appears that Canon are stopping production, because it is becoming hard to find and prices seem to be creeping up again.

Which is a long-winded excuse for why I travelled to Chonburi this morning and picked up a Mark 4.

How to lose friends and influence people

Sun, 13 Nov 2011 00:00:00 +0000

Been quite a spike in viewing figures since the Andrew Drummond article. Time to trim things back a bit by posting what appears to receive almost universal condemnation; a polo photo….

Varieties of jobs

Sun, 13 Nov 2011 00:00:00 +0000

Comments 🔗

2012-01-25 | Jock says

Spike, that was seriously funny and deserves a comment … perhaps your mainly non-european readership has no feckin´clue as to what is happenning in europe … it´s all going to pot … not the smoking kind as that could be forgiven … the only bright light is that Scotland might finally gain independance from Westminster and we will all become as rich as the Arabs or the Norwegians overnight on the back of all that oil wealth …. sadly it´s about 30 years too late … Sheikh Jock

Loy Krathong madness

Fri, 11 Nov 2011 00:00:00 +0000

Civilisation does not always progress.

Take Songkran. Originally a gently time where fresh water was sprinkled on the shoulders of loved ones; and now an opportunity for drunks on the back of trucks to spray iced sewage using high-pressure water guns at anyone within range.

Take also Loy Krathong. A time to pay homage to the water spirits by launching a small raft (krathong) made of natural materials onto a lake or sea. In my early days in Bangkok I would go to Lumpini Park and and the lake would be full of krathongs, their candles glowing and their incense sticks smoking the air. A beautiful site and, in the early morning, men with nets would scoop up all the krathongs and the park would be clean.

And then there is Pattaya. Beach Road is rammed with stalls selling the usual tat, with the addition of krathongs made of anything cheap that will float and is not biodegradable. Beach Road hookers are driven into the nearby malls where the bright lighting revealss the true horror of what you would wake up to the following morning, assuming you have not been drugged and robbed.

On the beach, it is mayhem. Small, unsupervised boys play with fireworks and it is a lottery as to whether they will lose a hand or you will lose an eye; you pray for the former if only to teach the little bastards a lesson. Hopeful Thais and bemused tourists light their krathong candles which sputter and are extinguished in the wind before the little boats are launched into the fetid water. There they bob, thousands together, like a sad, crap Marie Celeste convention, before gradually drifting out to sea to be a hazard to windsurfing for a while before sinking to the deep to destroy marine habitats for years.

Happy Loy Krathong

Thu, 10 Nov 2011 00:00:00 +0000

Stop being rude to people

Wed, 09 Nov 2011 00:00:00 +0000

It’s she who must be obeyed’s day off, and we head off to Bang Saray for a seafood lunch. There is one particular restaurant that we have been frequenting for years, right next to the water with great food at reasonable prices.

Over lunch we discuss Pattaya Days and the recent Jeff event.

You have to stop being rude.

I like being rude, I’m English and it’s what we do best.

No more Jeff pieces.

Oh, alright.

And stop being nasty about property developers.

Not sure I can go that far.

But I made an attempt and on the way home we checked out some developments that have previously been subject to the scorn of Spike.

I had previously mocked the difference between the mock-up model and the actual site for The Axis. Passing there today, it was a little heartening to see that they had actually started building the thing, in fact they were making pretty good progress.

And it was all yellow

Mon, 07 Nov 2011 00:00:00 +0000

Told the GF1 that its days may be numbered, so to cheer it up I went out and pointed it at some yellow flowers with three different lenses.

Goodbye GF1, hello GX1

Mon, 07 Nov 2011 00:00:00 +0000

Sartorial me

Sun, 06 Nov 2011 00:00:00 +0000

In the vast expanse that is she who must be obeyed’s wardrobe, there is a small musty corner allocated for my limited collection of T-shirts, shorts and jeans.

It’s my own fault. Whilst I am happy to ruin a credit card balance in pursuit of a shiny new toy, I have zero interest in the purchase of clothes. The need to buy a jacket for Tic’s wedding left a hole in my soul that will take time to mend. Other than the jacket, I can’t recall when I last bought any clothes. She who must be obeyed tries to compensate for my tramp inclinations by using her own money to buy me smart T-shirts and throwing out the the really manky ones when I am not looking.

A message to Jeff

Sat, 05 Nov 2011 00:00:00 +0000

Hi Jeff,

Let’s take stock. I wrote a post insulting you. You responded by insulting me, threatening me, and calling my wife a whore. Seems like you won the war of abuse, so well done there.

What’s next? Well, you could reinforce your public image as someone who shouts and swears a lot by continuing to hurl abuse via these pages. It’ll be amusing for a while but eventually we’ll all get bored and we will still see you as that shouty sweary bloke.

Fake Dre

Sat, 05 Nov 2011 00:00:00 +0000

Like most kids, I had a nickname given to me at school. Mine was “Dumbo” and I liked to think it was a clever reference to the size of my trunk. Unfortunately, my back-up nickname of “pencil dick” made it clear that Dumbo was a reference to the size of my ears, which were indeed overlarge appendages. As the years have passed, the wreck that is the rest of my face has rather pushed my monster ears into the background in terms of impact, such that now all my features could reasonably called a disaster area.

Still, the ears are still big, which means I need something substantial if I am to cover them for the purposes of aural input; and my current headphones don’t really do the job.

Normal service has been resumed as soon as possible

Sat, 05 Nov 2011 00:00:00 +0000

My wife is the nervous sort. In the paper this week she read of green mamba snakes that were swimming around the floods in Bangkok

“I hate snakes. And look, there is no anti-venom available”. “Yes it’s more bad news for the people stuck in the floods, but I expect they have more fundamental things to worry about”. “I hate snakes, I hope they don’t come after me”. “They are a long way away in Bangkok; they are not likely to come to Pattaya”. (long pause) “Do you think they would know how to get on a bus?”

Ikea is coming

Mon, 31 Oct 2011 00:00:00 +0000

Just another pinhole shot

Mon, 31 Oct 2011 00:00:00 +0000

Never mind the pumpkins, give me zombies

Mon, 31 Oct 2011 00:00:00 +0000

Growing up in England, I was spared the assorted nonsenses associated with Halloween. I understand that this was because pissed off protestants banned the event and suggested that the populace concentrate on Guy Fawkes night instead. An excellent suggestion, bobbing for apples cannot compare with firing rockets at elderly relatives. Apparently the prohibition did not extend to Scotland, and Peebles proudly holds the world record for the highest number of people to bob for apples at the same time; although they call it dooking so it might be something else entirely. But it is America that goes overboard on this Halloween thing, especially with the endless carved pumpkins; which I suppose is a better fate for them than us having to eat them.

Anyway, I see no merit in this festival and plan to ignore it. Not difficult given that small children attempting to trick or treat would be mugged by security guards if they tried to come into the condo, and she who must be obeyed is far too busy being busy at her first day of work to think about dressing up in a witches’ costume (and would I notice?). Instead I intend marking the occasion by spending some time with the coolest of the undead, the zombies.

This morning I revisited the always amusing Plants vs Zombies. This evening I shall watch the latest episode of The Walking Dead, already into series two, which has a storyline as enjoyable as Downton Abbey; but with marginally more zombies in the cast. In between, I shall enjoy my birthday present from The Son, the imaginatively titled game Space Pirates and Zombies.

Finally, I shall end my day with some light reading of a slightly edited version of the Jane Austen classic, Pride and Prejudice and Zombies.

Seaplanes only

Mon, 31 Oct 2011 00:00:00 +0000

Whilst Suvarnabhumi airport is operating normally, the old airport at Don Muang has been completely swamped over the past few days, as can be seen from this photo taken by Tom Claytor.

Comments 🔗

2011-10-31 | biggrtiggr says

Do they introduce temporary special rules regarding the Water Hazard beside the 18th?

2011-11-08 | Wentworth says

I wish it was closed a few weeks ago when I flew solar air.

A long time coming

Sun, 30 Oct 2011 00:00:00 +0000

Khun Tic has been my friend for around ten years. We worked together in Bangkok and discovered common interests in cameras, gadgets, beer and women. We used to hang out at weekends, perhaps Starbucks in the mornings and a suitable hostelry for beer in the evenings. We bought too many gadgets, we built and raced and crashed radio controlled cars, we took the occasional trip to neighbouring countries in search of the latest toys. We were eventually to go our separate ways when I retired and Tic went first to work in Kuala Lumpur (excellent choice, so I could go to the Grand Prix) and then Singapore (excellent choice, so I could go to the Grand Prix); but we have always stayed in touch and he is the friend I would turn to first when I need a friend to turn to.

A common theme throughout our beer fuelled discussions was the search for a partner in life. We were both spectacularly unsuccessful at choosing suitable girlfriends for a long term relationship and were continually working through a cycle of initial enthusiasm, followed by doubt, followed by dumping as potential partners came and went. Then I found she who must be obeyed and I was sorted; but Tic continued to stumble through a succession of hopefuls until he too finally found the right person to spend his life with. Her name is Khun Kade and on Saturday they were married.

The wedding ceremony in the morning took place at the library in the Dusit Thani hotel, a pleasantly informal setting, but not easy light for photography unless you used flash; and I didn’t want to use flash. Still, the Fuji X100 did a good job at ridiculously high ISOs and I have a few shots I can give to Tic to add to the massive collection that will be presented by the official photographer, videographer and the army of family and friends wielding cameras, phones and tablets.

Crisis? What crisis?

Sat, 29 Oct 2011 00:00:00 +0000

Bangkok. To the west and east of the city, the land is flooded, roads and rail are blocked. To the north, massive amounts of water are slowly moving south and flooding the suburbs, bringing misery to thousands.

In the city itself, which is still dry, an air of uncertainty hangs in the air, faces are drawn and the stress is clear to see; these are people living on borrowed time whose lives are about to be seriously disrupted. Err, no. After a couple of days in Bangkok I can confirm that life goes on as normal. The skytrain is packed with smiling, chatty Thais. The roads are busy and the shopping malls are rammed with locals and tourists. Thirty kilometres away and people are forced out of their homes by deep, stinking water; but people in the city are determined to keep on living life until they are affected.

There is some evidence of preparation. Sandbags are prepared at many places….

My mother-in-law screws things up

Sat, 29 Oct 2011 00:00:00 +0000

She who must be obeyed has been under a lot of pressure. A new job to master, living alone in Bangkok for three weeks, a threat of floods, missing her home, her cats, and perhaps me. It all came to a head yesterday when she had to close down her assignment in Bangkok, rush straight from work to a wedding, rush straight from the wedding back to her apartment and pack, and then travel back to Pattaya. It is therefore more than understandable that she forgot that today is my birthday.

A little bit of offshore excitement

Wed, 26 Oct 2011 00:00:00 +0000

Seen off Naklua this afternoon:

Bokehlicious

Wed, 26 Oct 2011 00:00:00 +0000

An afternoon excursion to the taste-free capital of Pattaya (and that’s saying something), the Saha Farms complex. I have been there before, but I was pretty sure that Ian of PattayaDaze would love the place; and indeed he did; whatch out for his offerings in due course.

As for me, it was the first time to try out my Olympus 45mm in anger; and it proved to be an excellent performer. All the shots below were taken wide open at F1.8. The bokeh (the effect the lens has when it renders the out of focus background) at that aperture is really pleasing. Great lens, shame about the subject matter. Still, Ian is always amusing company and further outings are planned.

Normal service will be resumed as soon as possible

Wed, 26 Oct 2011 00:00:00 +0000

Am I aware that my contributions to this organ have been somewhat lacking over the past couple of weeks (Months? Years?). This can be ascribed to laziness, inertia and a lack of subject matter; but it is also due to the fact that my wife is stuck in Bangkok and I spend too much of my time watching flood updates on Twitter.

The good news is that she who must be obeyed has agreed with her employer that there is no point in her continuing her training in Bangkok, as many of those she is meant to be working with are already away trying to safeguard their homes. I am off to Bangkok tomorrow, will be looking for some flood related snaps in the afternoon and then on Friday there is the wedding of a very good Thai friend of mine; provided that the Dusit Thani is not underwater. On Saturday we will return to Pattaya and life will return to a less stressful level and I can perhaps give this blog thingie a bit more attention.

Missed the bus

Tue, 25 Oct 2011 00:00:00 +0000

She who must be obeyed’s new employer deigned to give her a day off and she duly arrived home on Sunday evening and embarked on an extended session of cat cuddling. I got a hug too, so that was nice.

Very good to have her home and we spent a pleasant Monday hanging out together. But there are still two weeks of Bangkok familiarisation to go, unless the adventure is cut short by massive flooding which is looking increasingly possible.

Anyone want to buy a large lipstick?

Sun, 23 Oct 2011 00:00:00 +0000

Been a while since a company called Lytro announced they were going to produce a light field camera.

Naturally, I signed up to hear the latest news, and this week they sent me an email inviting me to pre-order the camera which will be available early next year. All I needed was a spare $399 and to live in the USA. As I didn’t satisfy either of those requirements, I ignored their offer; but it does look a very different sort of camera.

Get me a caffeine patch- NOW!

Sat, 22 Oct 2011 00:00:00 +0000

My recent successful visit to a dentist convinced me that I might have to courage to return for a teeth-cleaning procedure, something that had had me squirming in agony when I last tried it, about nine years ago in Bangkok.

And so it was I found myself back in Doctor Bee’s torture chair again a couple of days ago. It took her an hour and she did a lot of singing, but it didn’t hurt at all and I felt very pleased with myself once she had finished. So pleased in fact that I decided to stay there another hour and have my teeth whitened.

Water, water everywhere, and not a drop to drink

Sat, 22 Oct 2011 00:00:00 +0000

I am not a happy man.

She who must be obeyed is still in Bangkok and I wish she wasn’t. The slow-moving tsunami that is the several zillion cubic metres of water descending on the city is going to overrun the capital at some point; the only questions are when and how deep. Meantime, life goes on as normal and my wife is expected to report for work daily.

She has two weeks left of her familiarisation and during that time either nothing will happen, or she will be stuck in an apartment with two metres of water outside the door, or, most likely, something in between. She has been preparing for being stranded by storing four pots of noodles and a few bottles of water; enough for two days at the outside.

A French enclosure

Wed, 19 Oct 2011 00:00:00 +0000

It was Spacefruit who first introduced me to the lens porn that is an Angenieux lens, a French company whose lenses took the first photos on the moon. In due course I bought the same model lens as Spacefruit and it takes weird but interesting photos.

If you buy a lens nowadays, it comes in a cardboard box, if you are lucky. But in the good old days, Angenieux supplied their lenses in beautiful red boxes. My copy arrived in bubble-wrap, the box having long since disintegrated; but Spacefruit received his in an original box, albeit one that was close to death.

Spacefruit has many talents, not least of which is having a fine taste in commissioning photo books from a brilliant photographer (that would be me); and another is that he knows little men in Chinatown that can replicate pretty much anything.

Which is how it came to pass that he kindly presented me with this alternative to bubble wrap:

A waste of fifteen minutes

Wed, 19 Oct 2011 00:00:00 +0000

My attempts to live within budget are destroyed by the arrival of my credit card bill. It always contains stuff that I had conveniently forgotten about, and the myriad of minor items often add up to a surprisingly large slice of my pension.

My credit card company imagines that it is encouraging me to spend money on the card by offering points for every purchase. In reality, these points are of no interest; you would have to buy a BMW on the card before the points would be enough to buy a rice cooker, and we already have a rice cooker (quite fancy the BMW though). But they are of great interest to my wife, who loves to browse the catalogue every year or so and order stuff we don’t need. Failing that, we exchange the points for vouchers from Central which she can then spend on crucial cosmetics.

Impressive progress at The Koral

Tue, 18 Oct 2011 00:00:00 +0000

Last year I wrote a rather snide piece about a development called The Koral. The post received a number of comments from ~~mugs~~ smart investors who had put down their hard earned money as a deposit.

Eighteen months on, I thought I would go and have a look at construction progress, I reckoned it must be almost complete by now and the lucky investors would be checking out their sea views.

Unfortunately, the front of the development is obscured by the sales office which I assume is a temporary structure:

More little visitor

Mon, 17 Oct 2011 00:00:00 +0000

So there I was, minding my own business on Friday afternoon and dicking around on the computer, when the maid started calling me from the living room. She never calls me unless she wants to show me the latest thing she has broken, so I feared the worst; but instead of destruction she pointed out a mat next to the patio.

“Yes, nice mat”, I agreed; but that did not placate her so I looked again and on the mat was a praying mantis. Ace! I have always wanted to see one of these. With a degree of stealth born from ~~days~~ ~~months~~ years of training in the boy scouts, I crept up on it and caught in a kitchen container.

Next to set up a suitable area to photograph it without it flying away. High plastic walls surrounding a bush imported from the balcony would serve the purpose. While I was setting this up, the maid was fretting about the condition of the mantis which was in an airtight container. “It will have no air to breathe Khun Spike” she nagged, while I silently calculated that there was enough air in the container to keep the beast breathing for at least a week. Other than her inability to calculate insect oxygen requirements, I didn’t understand why she is fretting; she is happy enough to eat her own weight in fried insects given the opportunity.

Finally, mantis met bush and I fired off a few shots, a couple of which I put in the last post. Here a couple more:

Olympus 45mm F1.8

Mon, 17 Oct 2011 00:00:00 +0000

There has always been one lens that you have to own for your Micro Four Thirds camera, the Panasonic 20mm F1.7. Why? Because it is small, light, takes great images and can be had for a reasonable price. And now there is a second must-have, the Olympus 45mm F1.8. Why? Because it is small, light, takes great images and can be had for a reasonable price.

I don’t have it yet because ~~I couldn’t find any stock in Pattaya or Thailand~~ my finances do not permit another lens purchase at the moment; but Nik has acquired one and lent it to me for a couple of hours this morning.

First impressions; this thing really is small and it really is light.

Permission to land

Mon, 17 Oct 2011 00:00:00 +0000

It wasn’t all Olympus this morning, this was taken with the Yashica 55mm macro, manually focused. Took 34 shots, this is the only one where I caught focus on the insect.

A little visitor

Fri, 14 Oct 2011 00:00:00 +0000

The touch of an angel

Wed, 12 Oct 2011 00:00:00 +0000

What is it with Americans and their teeth? They obsess over dental hygiene; making regular trips for expensive treatments to ensure that their smiles are always white. Sounds a little gay to me.

Not like we Brits. We will happily cultivate a festering mouthful of disease rather than risk a visit to the house of pain. Or maybe it’s just me.

It wasn’t always so. When I was young I was happy to visit the dentist as often as possible. This was because my grandfather was a dentist and a filling-free visit to his chair meant a monetary reward; and I was always up for a monetary reward. And indeed I managed to maintain a perfect set of teeth until my grandfather died. Post-grandfather, there was the occasional filling, and the memorably horrible removal of all my wisdom teeth; but my gnashers remain mainly intact; albeit slightly less white than they used to be.

Farewell to she who must be obeyed

Tue, 11 Oct 2011 00:00:00 +0000

She who must be obeyed’s journey to employment continued last week when she went to met her new boss. Salary was discussed and she suggested that the job was perhaps worth a little more than was being offered. Boss agreed and bumped up her starting salary.

Two days later she is back with the HR department to sign some papers, and the boss calls down.

“I have discussed your salary increase with Bangkok and they are not happy with the figure”. “Oh.” (Worried voice) “Yes, they think you should be paid even more than that; so we are adjusting your salary upwards”. “Oh.” (Delighted voice)

Room with a view

Sat, 08 Oct 2011 00:00:00 +0000

My personal view is that the toilet should be a place of sanctuary, where a man can go with a newspaper, or more recently an iPad, and spend some quiet time alone with his thoughts and a pile of poo.

Doesn’t work so well in our house. If the cats discover I have crept away to the toilet, they cry until they are allowed to join me. They like to watch the flushing stage, especially if there are monster floaters that they can track as they rotate their way downwards. And then there is she who must be obeyed who is no respecter of quiet places. She will come barging in, give me a kiss on the forehead, complain about the smell, then leave. All very charming; but not really my idea of quiet toilet time.

Still, I must have more solitude than the people who use this facility:

New pussy box

Thu, 06 Oct 2011 00:00:00 +0000

Cats are fickle creatures. Only a week since they receive the gift of a magnificent cardboard box, and already they are losing interest.

But today saw the arrival of some cosmetics that she who must be obeyed had ordered from Korea. I have don’t have much confidence that the cosmetics are anything but coloured water with a few face-melting chemicals thrown in; but they really are of no concern. What is important to the cats is that the cosmetics came in a cardboard box; albeit a very small one.

Nothing daunted, Tiki stuffed herself inside the box and has been there all day; much to the chagrin of the other cat who wanted a go.

The big C

Thu, 06 Oct 2011 00:00:00 +0000

Last night we sat down to watch a BBC TV programme called “Alex, a life fast forward”.

Alex was 17 when he was diagnosed with bone cancer. By the time we meet him he’s 20, the disease has advanced and he is dying. But you wouldn’t know it. Since being diagnosed he has packed every day with life and adventure and the kid has a permanent grin on his face. He reckons there is no chance of any relationship, given his limited lifespan; but then he meets Ali, they fall in love and they get engaged. A plan to marry in May of this year is brought forward to February due to his declining health; and he dies six days after the wedding.

Who got the cover of the National Geographic?

Thu, 06 Oct 2011 00:00:00 +0000

Not me; but then I feel that the cover of Pattaya Inside Map (whatever that is) is somehow more prestigious.

Original shot shown here.

Comments 🔗

2011-10-06 | Wally Cook says

Who’s a clever boy then - and well done. Didn’t you get a freebie map ! Tight bastards

2011-10-06 | Spike says

No, I have to go and pick up my free copy along with everyone else. I think this ranks alongside having the April photograph in a Malaysian horse food company’s calendar.

A flight of fancy

Wed, 05 Oct 2011 00:00:00 +0000

I have always had a fascination with flying. In my youth I would build plastic models of aircraft and crash them. In my early teens I decided I would join the RAF when leaving school; only to discover that near-blindness was not an acceptable condition for a fighter pilot. And so I turned to models, and the art of crashing them, again.

My first attempt was a glider. I bought a box containing assorted bits of balsa wood and a paper plan. What I should have done was stuck the pieces of balsa together on top of the plan; thus ensuring that everything was aligned and the flying surfaces were flat. What I actually did was glance at the plan and then stick random pieces of balsa together. The resulting mess should have been named “warp speed”, but not because it was going to be quick. To get the beast into the air required a tow line. What I should have done was to choose a light wind day and then gently coax the fragile mess of balsa and tissue up into the sky. What I actually did was choose a day when a the wind was a danger to shipping and then set off at a run across a field. The result was immediate and messy. The wings folded, broke and fluttered away, and the fuselage plummeted to earth and destroyed itself. Didn’t really matter, it would never have flown properly anyway.

So I bought another one and this time I read the instructions. This one flew perfectly for at least five minutes before I lost sight of it as it headed north over a housing estate.

So I bought radio control gear and more kits, and before long it became an absorbing hobby, and it was mainly the fault of the North York Moors.

I lived in Middlesbrough, which was a bit of an industrial toilet at the time; but just minutes away were the North York Moors; five hundred square miles of gorgeous open countryside, heather and stunning views. It was not a geographic surprise to discover that the moors had hills, and if you stood on top of a hill facing the breeze, threw a glider into the wind, the air coming up the hill would lift the glider skywards.

And so it was that most Sunday mornings found me trudging up a hill to join fellow idiots in the pursuit of slope soaring. When the wind was light, it was relaxing and joyful couple of hours. When the wind was strong, it was a ten minutes of terror before something inevitably went wrong. When the wind was gale force, you loaded your plane with pieces of lead so that it would fly fast enough to penetrate into the wind. The problem came when you wanted to land and you had to fly back over the top of the hill with the wind behind you. Suddenly you were partially in control of piece of wood filled with lead, travelling at slightly less than the speed of sound. Landing the projectile was a challenge, destroying it against a tree was easier. On one memorable morning, a fellow flier was lucky enough to achieve a very soft, albeit high speed, landing courtesy of Tiggles, a dog who happened to be out for a stroll with her owner. To the distress of the owner, Tiggles suffered a broken leg, and my flying friend did not help matters by suggesting that the ruined canopy on his plane was a more serious concern.

Champagne for everyone!

Tue, 04 Oct 2011 00:00:00 +0000

Or, more precisely, fizzy wine for she who must be obeyed, although it didn’t look so fizzy when I photographed the remains this morning (she doesn’t drink enough to justify 4,200 baht for a bottle of champagne).

Fender Bender

Sun, 02 Oct 2011 00:00:00 +0000

This place is jumping

Sat, 01 Oct 2011 00:00:00 +0000

Light my Fire

Thu, 29 Sep 2011 00:00:00 +0000

A few months ago I clicked my mouse and bought an Amazon Kindle. It has proved to be an excellent purchase with ludicrously long battery life and a wonderful screen for reading. I also like the way it works with the Kindle app on other devices. Stuck in an endless supermarket adventure with she who must be obeyed, I can start up the Kindle app on my iPhone and it will automatically take me to the latest page I was reading on the Kindle device. When I get home and pick up the Kindle, it will update to reflect the seventy six pages I read while she who must be obeyed was choosing fabric softener. Neat.

Bling acquisition

Wed, 28 Sep 2011 00:00:00 +0000

Off to Bangkok again for another round of interviews for she who must be obeyed. We have lost count of the number of people she has been required to meet; but yesterday took her fairly close to the top of the management tree, so hopefully we are nearing the end and a job offer will be forthcoming soon.

I would like to think she benefited from my interview advice, which was: don’t get pissed during the interview; but apparently that option never arose. I based this advice on the interview for my job in Bangkok. I met with my potential future boss in an Irish bar in the Hague and the first pint of the interview went very well. By the third Guinness we were both talking bollocks and I suspect I only got the job because he couldn’t remember anything the following morning. A job in Bangkok was highly prized, especially compared to some of the alternatives (Lagos, Sakhalin Island, Lowestoft) and my peers were somewhat miffed that I had got the job merely by turning up and drinking too much. They were even more miffed five years later when my final task was to transfer the company to a new owner, thereby eliminating my job and any chance of a Bangkok assignment. Never mind, I understand Lagos is still an option.

While she who must be obeyed was not getting pissed, I amused myself by going to AV Camera to have the sensor of my GF1 cleaned. After nearly two years and countless lens swaps, the level of crap on the sensor had exceeded the camera’s ability to clean it; so I spent 150 baht to have it cleaned manually.

AV Camera is a treasure trove of stuff I don’t need but desperately want, and it took considerable willpower not to lash out on a G3 and/or a new Olympus lens. But I had to buy something (or so I told myself), and came away with a new strap for my Fuji X100.

Cat in a box

Wed, 28 Sep 2011 00:00:00 +0000

I'm not

Tue, 27 Sep 2011 00:00:00 +0000

The kids are alright

Sun, 25 Sep 2011 00:00:00 +0000

Not long ago, Amara Watersports arranged a SUP race on the beach near their club.

Yesterday, they did it again, except this time they took the SUPs onto Jomtien beach and waited to see who wanted to have a paddle. The answer was that all the kids that hang around on the beach were keen to try, plus a few guys who looked suspiciously like Thai national team windsurfers. Massive enthusiasm and after some general messing about…..

Mister Candy Floss

Sat, 24 Sep 2011 00:00:00 +0000

Mister Muscles

Sat, 24 Sep 2011 00:00:00 +0000

Facebook can fuck off

Thu, 22 Sep 2011 00:00:00 +0000

Things I like about Facebook: a. It’s good for finding people you used to work with twenty years ago, exchanging one mail to discover neither of you has done anything of interest since you last met, and then feeling that maybe it would have been better not to have made contact at all; because now you have to suffer their daily updates on what they had for lunch. b. It’s good for publicising your business/hobby to other people.

A stroke of misfortune

Tue, 20 Sep 2011 00:00:00 +0000

One morning, around eighteen years ago, I woke to find my left arm somewhat numb. I put this down to a bad sleeping position and got on with my day. By the afternoon my entire left side was comfortably numb and I assumed that I had somehow trapped a substantial nerve. It took a trip to the doctors to bring me back to reality, I had had a stroke; although thankfully a small one.

At the time I was living in Brunei, and having exhausted the capabilities of the local medical service, my company sent me to a specialist in London. Several thousand pounds later, the consensus of opinion was that nobody had a bloody clue what had caused it, that all my tests results checked out OK, and that I must just have blood that has a tendency to clot more than it should.

All I got out of this was an instruction to take aspirin every day, and a fine collection of MRI scans of my brain. The latter were great for making a T-shirt with a graphic of my head and a slogan “If you think my brain is big, you should see my dick”; although I never had the guts to wear it.

As for the numbness, that disappeared over time as idle brain cells took over the tasks previously held by brain cells that had been killed off in the stroke. Pretty damn clever of my brain; although when I get very tired the newly assigned cells go on strike and hold up little placards saying “we weren’t designed for this” (or at least that is what I assume they are doing), and partial numbness returns.

My view is that the personal and business related stress I was going through at the time contributed to the incident. Doctors, however, refuse to accept stress as a symptom, because god knows they get enough of it, what with having to work four hours a day before heading for the golf course. For my part, I try to live as stress-free life as possible to help ensure no more brain cells get exterminated.

So it is ironic that a continual source of stress is the bloody bastard aspirin container which I have to battle with on a daily basis.

As it comes from the shop, it is not a threatening object:

Kids on karts

Sun, 18 Sep 2011 00:00:00 +0000

To Bira circuit where I heard there was kart racing. Indeed there was, but most of the drivers were less than ten years old.

Matriarch

Sun, 18 Sep 2011 00:00:00 +0000

Met this lady last night. Been in Thailand most of her life, Dad was a friend of Jim Thompson, family had a silk business. Refined old lady with an interesting face, so asked if I could snap her.

Death by toothache

Sat, 17 Sep 2011 00:00:00 +0000

I am of an age where the occasional acquaintance of my vintage inconveniently dies, and not in a firefight with Colombian rebels or by driving his Ferrari into a wall at 180 mph. No, I am now entering the twilight years where death can come at any time in a variety of unpleasant forms.

Personally, I don’t worry about this. I would be extremely pissed off to depart any time soon; but you never know what is round the corner (possibly an old idiot in a Ferrari driving too fast) and there is not a lot I can do about it. I just ensure that my days are filled with good living, prayer and contemplation and leave the rest to fate.

Not girls on the beach

Fri, 16 Sep 2011 00:00:00 +0000

She who must be obeyed decides we are going for a cycle this evening, so we do. On Jomtien beach there is the usual gathering of ladyboys playing volleyball. I want to see whether the Fuji X100 can catch an action shot.

I would like to acknowledge my contribution

Thu, 15 Sep 2011 00:00:00 +0000

She who must be obeyed is job hunting again. She is much more capable than she thinks she is, and approaches the process with considerable pessimism. She applied for two jobs and was most surprised when she was offered both immediately. However, these have been turned down in favour of the possibility of another job which has much more potential, but also has a much longer application process. So far she has undertaken a series of tests and two sets of interviews, and is now waiting for the final interview. During the interviews it was suggested she should confirm her English ability by taking a TOEIC test.

Photography guide updated

Thu, 15 Sep 2011 00:00:00 +0000

More than a year ago, I wrote the Pattaya Days Starter Guide to Photography. It has been regularly downloaded since then so I assume it is proving useful to some people.

I was not satisfied with the section on the use of the shutter and have finally got round to revising it, together with a few more changes. There is more I would like to add, hope to address that soon. Meanwhile, the latest version is downloadable from here.

Disco is dead

Wed, 14 Sep 2011 00:00:00 +0000

If you asked those who know me to describe me in two words; “fantastic dancer” would not be their first choice. But that’s just because they haven’t seen me in action

I am, by my own admission, a wonderful mover. My style is loosely based upon the observation of sufferers of Sydenham’s chorea, a heady mixture bordering on the edge of chaos, but always firmly anchored to the beat.

Sadly, my family does not agree. This maybe because I am prone to demonstrating my dancing ability in the middle of supermarkets. This tends to cause chronic embarrassment to the accompanying family member; previously The Son, and lately, she who must be obeyed.

As a result, I have to confine my dancing to occasional sorties around the house. Which means that I can be fairly confident in saying that I have never been to the X-Zyte disco in Pattaya.

Pattaya discos are of two varieties. There is a version aimed at foreigners where the main purpose is to serve as a large open space for picking up girls. Then there is the Thai version, where the main purpose is to serve as a large open space for getting pissed and then trying to shoot someone at another table who happened to glance at you. Neither appeals, and as I am forbidden from dancing in public there seemed little point in going.

And now, any chance I may have had in attending X-Zyte has disappeared, because they are knocking it down.

A substantial snack

Tue, 13 Sep 2011 00:00:00 +0000

The crocodile farm near Pattaya is home to 2,800 potential handbags. Except now it is home to 2,800, less an unknown number that escaped.

The recent heavy rain raised the water level in their accommodation to such a point that many were able to just swim away.

A spokesman for the farm said: “We don’t know how many are still missing but I’m confident that we can catch them all because these animals aren’t used to finding food for themselves”.

Well, they may be used to having food thrown over a fence, but I am sure a few million years of evolution will kick in and ensure that any pedestrian in their vicinity will provide a substantial snack. On the other hand, millions of years of evolution will not have prepared them for the determined stall holders in the area that can envisage putting crocodile steak on their menu for the next few evenings.

Young fruit

Tue, 13 Sep 2011 00:00:00 +0000

I try and avoid market shopping with she who must be obeyed, but if I have no option then I spend my time looking for interesting things to take home and photograph.

Today it was some young Jackfruit, sliced into pieces about 2 cm. thick. Apparently makes a fine curry; but if you bang a studio light through the bottom at full power, it makes for an interesting photo too. Wasn’t expecting the red glow, must be something inside the fruit.

Elephantine foolishness

Mon, 12 Sep 2011 00:00:00 +0000

The Stallholder

Mon, 12 Sep 2011 00:00:00 +0000

A touch of precipitation

Sun, 11 Sep 2011 00:00:00 +0000

It started pissing down yesterday, and it was still pissing down this morning. Some of the city was underwater and we thought it would be jolly to jump in the truck and make an inspection. Sadly, the authorities spoiled our fun by blocking off roads that were deemed impassable; but there were plenty of other water-logged places to splash around in.

I took a few shots out of the window, but they were all crap. She who must be obeyed had her inevitable Blythe doll along for the ride and was flashing away. “That won’t work” I told her, “you won’t capture the view out of the window”.

I really should just shut up, because she captured the essence of a soggy city much better than I did.

Unhappy Anniversary

Sun, 11 Sep 2011 00:00:00 +0000

Ten years ago I was sat watching the news after a plane flew into the World Trade Centre. When the second one hit it was clear that this was no accident and the world changed. My immediate concern, however, was for The Son who had been in the USA for a job interview and was boarding a flight home from Boston, the source of the second plane to strike the towers. A very worrying hour or so before he managed to send out an email saying he was OK; although a couple of weeks stuck in post 9/11 America persuaded him not to accept the job.

That day resulted in a worldwide outpouring of sympathy for America. It would have been an ideal time for the West to reconsider its relationships with the rest of the world and foster some reconciliation.

Instead the USA has embarked upon ten years of bloodshed; very little of which has anything to do with 9/11 and none of which will result in American citizens being safer.

Iraq, where there were no weapons of mass destruction but plenty of oil. A country that had nothing to do with 9/11, although Bush made sure he mentioned Iraq and 9/11 in the same sentence enough times such that by the end of 2002, half of Americans polled believed that the majority of the hijackers were Iraqi (none of them were) and that Saddam was personally responsible for the attacks.

Guantanamo Bay, Abu Ghraib, rendition, black sites, torture, Homeland security, Israel.

Afghanistan, home to none of the hijackers, but maybe Osama was hiding there so let’s lay waste to the entire country in a war that can never be won. The Taliban may have gone, but they have been replaced by a totally corrupt puppet regime and a country that can only operate in conjunction with local warlords whose reputation for violence and abuse exceeds that of the Taliban.

And most recently, Libya, another country with a despot that we used to support (and a lot of oil), who is now deemed dispensable. The replacement regime may not be quite what was desired.

You can’t fight terrorism, you can only create conditions in which terrorism has no reason to prosper. Ten years on and the reasons to wish America harm have increased. A bit of a waste of 4 trillion dollars, and a terrible waste of 225,000 lives.

What to do when you kill a cow

Sat, 10 Sep 2011 00:00:00 +0000

Driving through Hua Hin and we see this:

A loss of credibility

Fri, 09 Sep 2011 00:00:00 +0000

We don’t go out much. Evenings are usually spent watching downloaded movies and/or fiddling about on the computer. But this evening, she who must be obeyed informed me that we were going out for cocktails. An initial plan to go to the Hard Rock was amended to a walk down Walking Street, where we would find a seat and watch the passing action.

For those who don’t know, Walking Street is Pattaya’s answer to the Star Wars’ Cantina; a collection of go-go bars lining a street which features a motley assortment of hookers, punters, druggies, peddlers and assorted trash from around the world. Always fun for a look.

“Take your camera” advises the boss, so I do; and we are soon walking down the street of debauchery and I am looking out for some suitable snaps. Then she who must be obeyed rummages in her handbag and offers me a subject:

Friday's style tip

Fri, 09 Sep 2011 00:00:00 +0000

Do not bring pets to the Lord

Thu, 08 Sep 2011 00:00:00 +0000

I draw the line at praying to a penis

Thu, 08 Sep 2011 00:00:00 +0000

On the way to Hua Hin and she who must be obeyed engineers a crafty diversion so we can visit the statue of a dead monk.

Apparently he performed miracles. Turned salt water into fresh water, or vice versa, or walked on water; or something to do with water. I wasn’t really listening but I replied with “no, he didn’t” to each of the purported miracles, which did not go down particularly well.

Having noticed the sign that offerings of pets were not allowed, I was relieved we had not brought the cats. She who must be obeyed buggered off to make assorted offerings to the great man and I took a couple of photos of him.

Sometimes, I lie

Thu, 08 Sep 2011 00:00:00 +0000

Like when I met the young lady below.

What I said was: “What a cute dog, can I take a photo?”

What I thought was: “This poor dog is being forced to wear shoes, clothes and even a nappy. You Madam, are fucking insane.”

Mahout

Wed, 07 Sep 2011 00:00:00 +0000

Happy Birthday to him

Sun, 04 Sep 2011 00:00:00 +0000

Today’s the birthday of The Son and I have marked the occasion as usual by failing to send him a gift. I score low points as a father when it comes to birthdays, and most other days of the years too. Must try harder for Xmas.

Anyway, happy birthday to The Son, and that’s all I have to say for the next three days because I am off on a jaunt which involves elephants and cameras. Expect updates sometime around Wednesday.

I hate balls

Sun, 04 Sep 2011 00:00:00 +0000

In fact, to widen my area of hatred, I hate spherical objects, especially if they are shiny; because they are complete and utter bastards to photograph.

Their shape ensures that they take light from everywhere and throw the resulting reflections straight into my camera lens; and reflections are generally not what you are hoping for.

Yesterday I was asked to take a photo of a desk lamp. Cool in shape, LED lit and a pleasant little subject to photograph, or so I thought. I photographed it on a table and the head of the lamp presented me with a reflection of most of the objects in the room. I surrounded it with white boards, I redirected studio lights, I generally fucked about for a couple of hours with the sodding thing. At the end of the ordeal, I had this:

All hail the webinar

Fri, 02 Sep 2011 00:00:00 +0000

The word “seminar” was always a popular trigger when I was in mildly gainful employment. This usually meant a trip, with all the opportunities for shopping, drinking and maximising expenses that that entailed; with the only small downside of having to sit in a room for a few hours whilst some idiot droned on about a topic which had little relevance to the real world of business, but had somehow been identified as flavour of the week by management and therefore worthy of attention. I remember “Quality Circles” being popular for a while, and “diversity” was also good for a few beers. All a total wank of course, but if they were paying, I was prepared to sacrifice their time and attend.

Yesterday I saw a new word: “webinar”. The downside of a webinar is that you don’t travel to it, it comes to you courtesy of the wide wide world of web. Topaz were running one last night at 2300, the subject being an introduction to their B&W Effects, so I signed up and they sent me a link.

Prompt at 2300, I clicked on the link and was surprised to see someone else’s computer screen pop up on my monitor and a charming lady started to demonstrate the product. As she talked, we could type in questions which she answered at the end of the event. It was rather strange to hear her say “and we have an interesting question from Spike…”, partially because I was here and she was in California and the whole thing was working a charm in spite of the Thai internet, and also because I am not known for my interesting questions.

Anyway, an hour well spent. Could have taken less than an hour had she used a computer as fast as mine; but then, she was using Windows. I will be looking out for more webinars to attend, perhaps this one on diversity where I can “see the perspective of the diversity advantage”. Still a total wank then.

One of the things the nice lady told me last night that I should have known, but didn’t because I am not 150 years old, is that many of the presets in B&W Effects are trying to replicate film photography techniques. Opalotype, for example was the process of printing on opaque white glass rather than photo paper. Out of favour for more than eighty years, you can now replicate the effect in your computer.

Suitably enthused, I wandered round a shopping centre this morning while she who must be obeyed went to the post office, and came home and knocked out this:

Grannie

Thu, 01 Sep 2011 00:00:00 +0000

The world in black and white

Thu, 01 Sep 2011 00:00:00 +0000

There is something different about a black and white photo (Ed: yeah, the colours are missing, dickhead). The absence of colour leaves only the subject and the composition for the eye to ponder; and of course, with the right subject matter, black and white can evoke the photographs of old.

Modern photo processing software allows you to easily create a B&W image by clicking on a button. Lightroom has a number of presets that will produce variations on a B&W theme, and quite honestly that is enough for an amateur idiot like myself.

If you want to get serious about B&W processing, then you probably need Nik Silver Efex Pro; but it looks far too complex for an ancient pensioner to master, and far too expensive at $199 for an ancient pensioner.

But now, salvation is at hand for those who fancy dicking around with B&W without the cost or complication, thanks to Topaz B&W Effects.

I already own Topaz Adjust 4, and it is a load of fun for creating interesting looking images. Now there is B&W Effects for creating interesting looking black and white images. Even better news is the price, only $29.99 for an introductory period; even an ancient pensioner can afford that.

The interface is the same as Topaz Adjust. On the left you have a large (about 150) selection of presets that you can use a starting point for your conversion, and on the right are the detailed tools you can use to fine tune your masterpiece.

5,000 up

Wed, 31 Aug 2011 00:00:00 +0000

The first comment on this morning’s post was the 5,000th comment made on Pattaya Days.

Congratulation to MeMock on marking such an historic event and I think it is only fitting that he receives the prize I had reserved for this moment: eight paragraphs of sage advice on how to play Trade Nations.

I have something even better planned for the 10,000th comment; so keep posting.

Comments 🔗

2011-08-31 | Billy the Brush says

Day of sex

Wed, 31 Aug 2011 00:00:00 +0000

She who must be obeyed occasionally misunderstands my English, often with amusing results (for me).

Me: The Son was playing Deus Ex until 0200 this morning.

SWMBO: My God! What did his girlfriend think of that?

Me: I expect she went to bed and let him get on with it.

SWMBO: My God! Who was he doing it with then?

Me: Huh?

SWMBO: You said your son was having a day of sex until 0200 in the morning.

Death of a nation

Wed, 31 Aug 2011 00:00:00 +0000

The last month has seen me slipping into something of a ritual, driven by the evil, time-sucking game that is Trade Nations.

My morning sit on the bog would be extended as I made a couple of hundred trades. During the day there would be regular checks on status, and my pre-bed shower would be delayed by end of day trading.

A stupid waste of time; but still rather fun as I developed my little village into what I decided would be a monster wool-making enterprise.

The game has the usual levelling-up mechanics that are a feature of so many games; and by the time I reached level 40 (out of 60) there was not much left to do apart from making more money and trading endlessly to eventually reach the highest level.

So this morning I thought a mental “sod it” and deleted the game from my iPad and iPhone (although it will fester on the game servers forever). Before I said goodbye I captured my magnificent sheep farm.

Pumped up

Wed, 31 Aug 2011 00:00:00 +0000

Took my truck for its service this morning. It only sees the garage every six months so I expect a sizeable bill, and I am not to be disappointed. Labour and parts (mainly oil) come to a staggeringly expensive 1,430 baht.

Driving it home, I do notice a difference. The ride feels a lot firmer than before. This could be because they have changed the compression and rebound on my Koni Racing Mono-Tube adjustable dampers. But unlikely, since I don’t actually have any Koni Racing Mono-Tube adjustable dampers; although I do have a couple of cart-springs. The other option is that they have put some air in the tyres; something I can’t be arsed to do myself in between services. At least that justified 30 baht of the bill.

Hawaiian Habitas

Sat, 27 Aug 2011 00:00:00 +0000

Took she who must be obeyed out for breakfast, and on the way home she asked to stop at our local garden shop. She likes to gather supplies for our “garden”, which in reality is a small part of the balcony.

After some ferreting, she returned with two plants, a bag of soil and a packet of organic plant food, all for the not unreasonable price of 180 baht.

She was particularly pleased with the yellow plant which she informed me was a Hawaiian Habitas. Regular readers will be aware that she might spell it “Hibiscus”, but finds it easier to pronounce as “Habitas”, and as I find that most endearing, I am not going to try to correct it.

Anyway, after the flower shooting orgy of yesterday, the studio lights were still rigged up, so it seemed appropriate to point something at the Hawaiian Habitas and the other offering which is also a Habitas, but she was not sure of the name.

Dancing queens

Fri, 26 Aug 2011 00:00:00 +0000

Visited a local market this evening and there were some ladies dancing away on top of a table; rather cute.

Frustration and flowers

Fri, 26 Aug 2011 00:00:00 +0000

Spend the morning introducing a friend to the delights of Lightroom, surely the most competent and complete photo processing program on the planet.

I take him through the elegant cataloguing, keywording and search facilities, more than sufficient for me to ensure that I can gain easy access to any one of my more than 50,000 photos in my library, and where I can select, process and where necessary delete, more than 1,000 photos at a time after a heavy photo session.

He declares himself not really interested in that because he can already manage his images by keeping up to three copies and renaming them and fuck knows what else he does; but it sure as hell is not nearly as elegant as Lightroom. Anyway, I abandon further discussion on the cataloguing features and start on the develop module where he perks up and declares himself interested, whilst reminding me he can do pretty much all of this already, albeit using three or more ancient programs, none of which offer non-destructive editing I am sure.

Developing his images is not as good as it could be because he only shoots JPEG. When I suggest RAW might give him better photos, he complains about the file size. I refrain from pointing out that the 3 JPEGs of the same image that he maintains nowadays might be smaller than using a single RAW file and Lightroom; it’s just not worth it.

Get Lightroom installed on his laptop and send him away, doubting he will ever use it again.

After a frustrating morning, I spy a rather attractive plant on the balcony and decide to point various cameras at it:

First up is the Panasonic GF1 with a second-hand Yashica macro lens, total value of the gear; around 24,000 baht. Lovely, manual focus; easy to shoot.

Buy my bugs

Thu, 25 Aug 2011 00:00:00 +0000

This character can be found biking around our area most evenings.

A worrying trend

Wed, 24 Aug 2011 00:00:00 +0000

During my previous life, I was lucky enough to be employed by a company that saw fit to relocate me to a different country every few years. Having stuck me in one particular place, they then gave me a job that required me to spend half my time visiting other assorted locations around the globe. They also gave me a decent enough salary such that I could spend my holidays in yet more countries that had not yet had the pleasure of stamping my passport.

Final foolish destination

Wed, 24 Aug 2011 00:00:00 +0000

In my defence, it was she who must be obeyed who wanted to go and see Final Destination 5. As expected, she spent half the movie with her head buried in my shoulder. Unexpectedly, I enjoyed myself enormously.

The premise of every Final Destination films is the same. The movie starts with some catastrophe, and a bunch of assorted people that you never really care about cheat death. Death is not happy and spends the remainder of the movie claiming back the lives, usually in an inventive and extremely gory manner.

Not so good at marinas

Wed, 24 Aug 2011 00:00:00 +0000

Yesterday, I made a passing remark that Thais are pretty good at building roads; and it’s true. The Kingdom has many fine roads of excellent quality, often in places where you would not expect to find much more than a dirt track. It would appear, however, that that level of expertise does not extend to water based structures.

Pattaya is getting a marina. Or more precisely, a place where all the crappy speedboats that take tourists to Koh Larn, and sometimes bring them back without drowning them, can be parked up overnight; rather than dragging them out of the water and littering the roadside.

Here is the grand design:

Almost, but not quite

Tue, 23 Aug 2011 00:00:00 +0000

Thappraya road; it’s been the biggest road construction mess in Pattaya, and it’s had some stiff competition.

The perceived problem was that the four lane dual carriageway was inadequate. With the inside lane being used for parking, that only left a single lane for traffic on each side. And so they embarked on a project to widen the road to three lanes on each side. The end result would be an inside lane for parking, a middle lane for double parking, and a single lane of moving traffic; so the effective increase in efficiency was nil.

I measured the length of road today, 5.5 kilometres. I am not sure of the exact start date, but that must equate to more than a year construction time per kilometre, surely a new low in a country which is actually rather good at laying new roads.

Of course, it is still not complete. They are still surfacing some patches, the central reservations look like shit, and there is assorted rubble lying around. But, you can start at one end and weave your way past parked cars all the way to the other, 5.5 kilometres of six lane highway.

Except, you can’t. It’s actually more like 5.45 kilometres of six lane highway and 50 metres of this:

Vital pieces of equipment*

Tue, 23 Aug 2011 00:00:00 +0000

*Or as she who must be obeyed would describe them; “more toys”.

Travelling to Bangkok to meet Camberley provided an opportunity to head for the shops to obtain a vital piece of equipment; a monitor calibration tool.

I cannot pretend to being particularly colour aware. I suspect that I am slightly colour blind, and if I open alternate eyes then a piece of white paper switches between appearing almost white and appearing almost yellow. If I close both eyes, the problem goes away, but that is hardly a solution. So, when working on photos I am not the most adept at ensuring that the white balance or the colours are correct. But even my best efforts are useless if the monitor is incorrectly calibrated. What looks OK on my monitor may look entirely different on another monitor. This may be because the other monitor is way out of calibration, but that’s not my problem. At least I should ensure that my monitor is displaying colours correctly.

For some years I have been calibrating with a little tool called the Spyder 2. I’d hang it in front of my monitor, run a software program, and it would do the job. And then it didn’t. The makers had failed to keep the software up to date and it wouldn’t run when I upgraded to Lion. What to do?

Write a stern letter of complaint, demand a refund and swear never to buy their products again. Alternatively, give the Spyder 2 to Nik and go and get a brand new Spyder 3. Always one for the wimpy solution, I chose the latter.

I wanted the cheap and cheerful Express version; ideal for a semi-colourblind hack with limited needs for accuracy. So I went into the shop and asked for it. “No have”.

So, with much reluctance I would have to settle for the Pro version. designed for “Serious photographers and creative pros”. I don’t think I qualify for either category, but I told the shop I would just have to buy the Pro version. “No have”.

All they had left was the Elite model, “Display Calibration for Professional Photographers, Studios and Ninjas”. It was like me trying to date Thandie Newton, so much in a different league we could be on different planets. And of course it cost a bomb, no way was I buying it…..

Jet Ski* Scum

Mon, 22 Aug 2011 00:00:00 +0000

Wikipedia advises that the correct term is “Personal Watercraft”, but Personal Watercraft Scum does not have quite the same ring to it.

I have a love/hate relationship with jet skis. I hate the people that own them, and I hate the people who rent them out; polluting the air and the ocean with fumes, oil and noise, and occasionally endangering my life with their stupid antics when I am sailing. On the positive side, I love jet skis when they are driven at speed into solid objects and explode on impact, killing the driver instantly.

Fortunately, the latest incarnation of the windsurfing club finds us far away from any jet ski rental locations and they are no longer an annoyance in my life; but they are sure as hell making lots of innocent tourists unhappy.

Walk along beach road any afternoon and you will find jet skis for hire. Rent one at your peril. The happy, smiling, charming beach boys will send you out into The Gulf with a smile and a cheery wave. Upon your return they will transform into utter cunts.

You will be accused of damaging the jet ski which will now, as the result of the minute scratch which has been there for years, have to be taken out of the water for repair. The costs of repair and the loss of business will be astronomical; probably at least 50,000 baht. You will proclaim innocence. They will show you a photo of you on the jet ski before heading out; look, no damage! This is because the image has been Photoshopped while you were out on the water (yes, they actually do this).

More heavies turn up and the threat of violence is in the air. Someone suggests calling the police and a convenient policemen turns up and tells you that you have to pay or else you will go to jail. He “negotiates” a reduction for you, still leaving an obscene amount of cash to be withdrawn from a convenient ATM and handed over to the scum.

Your holiday is ruined and the scum, and all those they pay off, including the police, are a little bit richer.

It’s a disgrace. If only the authorities knew about this.

In fact, they do. In March, spurred on by a local blogger who had the guts to go and photograph the scams in action, the mayor of Pattaya headed down to the beach, gave the scum a jolly good talking to, and then…. nothing.

The mayor’s Facebook page developed into a battleground between his staff who posted regular updates on the mayor’s wonderful achievements, and people posting updates on the continuing scams. The general feeling from City Hall seemed to be that the scams were overstated and that it was just foreigners giving Thailand a bad name.

Then a Thai TV Channel aired a report on the problem (warning: in Thai):

Oh dear. Time for City Hall to call hurried meetings proclaiming that things were being done. Maybe jet ski operators would be registered and maybe they would be encouraged to take out insurance. Maybe there would be booths where you would buy your rental ticket.

And maybe none of this would happen; which is precisely what has happened and the scams continue unabated.

Time for your valiant Pattaya Days reporter to record the scam in action. I went down to the beach today and captured this shot of a couple of jet skis starting a rental.

Bug hunting

Fri, 19 Aug 2011 00:00:00 +0000

When I go for a camera outing, I saunter along, looking for something substantial that might make for a photo. When Ian of PattayaDaze goes for a camera outing, he walks very slowly and examines every leaf. As a result, he finds wildlife in the most unlikely places.

Spending the weekend with she who must be obeyed’s family was a logistical nightmare. We would arrive at a location and her brother would decide he needed to go to the toilet; so we would wait for him. Upon his return, my mother-in-law would decide she had the urge for a pee, and it was not until she returned that her husband trotted off to attend to matters. The eventual walk would then be frequently halted with stops for snacks, more urinating, and general fucking about.

This left me, trailblazing out on my own, with plenty of time to spare. I therefore “did an Ian” and spent time looking at leaves and their surroundings. I was rewarded with two bugs. They would have benefited from a macro lens and manual focus, but these Fuji X100 shots will have to suffice as proof of my endeavours.

I have no idea what this is, but I will call it a Leica fly (‘cos of the red dot):

Candles

Thu, 18 Aug 2011 00:00:00 +0000

Bells

Wed, 17 Aug 2011 00:00:00 +0000

Wall hanging

Wed, 17 Aug 2011 00:00:00 +0000

Beware of the flowers, 'cos I’m sure they’re gonna get you, yeah

Tue, 16 Aug 2011 00:00:00 +0000

(Yes, I love John Otway).

A day out around Chiang Mai not only had me nominated as driver; but also as photographer; supplementing she who must be obeyed’s thousands of shots of her family with a few more of her family including her. Not really a problem because the weather was dull, misty and occasionally rainy, not ideal for shots of temples and sweeping vistas (not that there were any).

So I had to be content with some flower shots. All taken with the Fuji X100 whose macro mode is ideal for flower-sized objects, but whose lack of decent manual focus make the whole enterprise rather hit or miss.

(Un)happiness is a warm gun

Mon, 15 Aug 2011 00:00:00 +0000

She who must be obeyed has many ideas for activities to fill in our days. Most are impractical, some are illegal, and one or two contravene the Geneva convention. I have long since learned that the best way of dealing with her stream of consciousness is to say “yes” to everything, safe in the knowledge that none will make it past the concept stage.

But one idea kept recycling, a family gathering. This meant her family, and me, at a place and time yet to be defined. Finally, the event was announced as being this last weekend, in Chiang Mai. Father and mother, sister, brother, brother’s wife and son; and us.

Low light with the X100

Mon, 15 Aug 2011 00:00:00 +0000

When the light is low, the ISO on your camera has to be raised, and the result is varying amounts of noise in the image.

The Fuji X100 copes with high ISOs better than any other camera I own. Not surprisingly, better than the GF1, but also better than the Canon 1D which tends to lose colour definition at higher ISO ratings.

The light at Doi Suthep temple this weekend was appalling. The whole area was covered in mist and clouds, and high ISOs were required.

This shot was at ISO 3200. Not only was most of the noise removable with only a small adjustment in Lightroom, but the camera also did a fine job of retaining all the colours.

Smell the pussy

Sun, 14 Aug 2011 00:00:00 +0000

Our busy week came to an end this afternoon when we flew to Bangkok from Chiang Mai. More later on the weekend, but she who must be obeyed certainly finished things off with style.

A little context, for those unfamiliar with our ways. We have a couple of cats. They don’t like us to go away and we rather miss them too. Normal reconciliation involves much cuddling and smelling of their fur which has a pleasant aroma.

The Camberley collection

Thu, 11 Aug 2011 00:00:00 +0000

Off to Bangkok to meet with Camberley and his family.

When we both lived and worked in Sarawak, his offspring were tiny children, bouncing off the furniture and eating carpets, as all small children do. Now they are grown with boyfriends for the ladies and girlfriends for the men; which resulted in a party of ten people touring Sarawak, Sabah and then passing through Bangkok on their way home.

It was good to meet them all again, and Camberley supplemented the pleasure by presenting us with the now traditional gift from the UK:

Happy Birthday to them

Mon, 08 Aug 2011 00:00:00 +0000

A couple of notable birthdays:

First of all, happy birthday to the internet. It was twenty year ago last Saturday that this appeared for the enjoyment of the world, although I expect there were not that many people connected to enjoy it. The Spike family were a little late to the game; it was another three years or so before we savoured the delights of the randomly available dial-up service of Brunei Telecom. Nearly twenty years on and I am now enjoying the delights of the randomly available ADSL service of Thailand Telecom; but at least there are a few more pages available to visit. So well done the internet, and the rather clever and very British Tim Berners-Lee.

The other birthday may have slightly less worldwide recognition, but today’s the birthday of she who must be obeyed and is therefore slightly more important in this household. There would certainly be greater repercussions should I forget it.

Last night she suggested I might like to kiss her while she was still young, but I failed to spot a significant deterioration overnight (unlike myself. Margaritas followed by red wine with my friend Tic, visiting from Singapore, left me feeling somewhat the worse for wear this morning).

The day started with much needed coffee and stomach settling croissants at La Baguette.

Time off

Sat, 06 Aug 2011 00:00:00 +0000

My days are usually fairly free from commitment, which is just the way I like them to be. This gives me time to indulge myself in assorted meaningless activities, such as updating Pattaya Days.

Currently I find myself busier than usual. Trying to finish design of another photo book for the most excellent Spacefruit, then we have visitors arriving tomorrow for two days, and then on Tuesday it is off to meet Camberley and his family. So no time to think up new rubbish to put on here; especially as I also have to dedicate too much time every day to Trade Nations (don’t start, it takes over your life).

Carmaggedon

Wed, 03 Aug 2011 00:00:00 +0000

There are many upsides to living in Thailand and, given my financial position, I would not want to live anywhere else. It is comparatively cheap to live here in most respects; but there are a few items which are painfully expensive and I just have to avoid them.

For example, I would like to sit and enjoy a quality bottle of wine, perhaps accompanied by some cheese, whilst pondering where I might take my sporty little car for a drive once the hangover and heartburn had subsided. In truth, I can do without the wine and the cheese; but I do miss having an interesting car.

The problem is, I come from the UK, a land where there are so many wonderful cars available at prices that would be inconceivable in Thailand. For example, for what I paid for my truck, I could have a Caterham 7; without doubt the most fun for the money on the planet; just like my truck isn’t. It hurts.

The pain was brought sharply into focus this weekend where Central Beach Road were holding the Pattaya Motor Show - Fast to Fest 2011. Unclear about the slogan, maybe ‘fest’ is short for ‘festering’. There was certainly a woeful collection of crap, masquerading as vehicles.

Player of games

Tue, 02 Aug 2011 00:00:00 +0000

I can vaguely recall the purchase of a pong machine, back before home computers became commonplace. That was my first computer game and, in retrospect, it was pretty crap.

Then came Atari home computers, the games improved, and since then I have regularly indulged in gaming. Indeed all of my PC upgrades over the years have been triggered by the need to play some new game. 1,000 baht for the game, 30,000 baht for the machine to play it on. The latest update to my Mac Pro was driven in part by a need to be up to date.

Crab

Sat, 30 Jul 2011 00:00:00 +0000

Wild wind this morning and we were off to the windsurfing club with hopes of some good shots and a chance it might be OK for an old fart to sail. Turns out that the waves were messy and the wind was dropping and there was little of interest to shoot.

A traveller returns

Fri, 29 Jul 2011 00:00:00 +0000

Nik has been in the UK for a while and reports he could live in Thailand for six months for what it costs to live in London for one month. Fortunately he had some cash remaining to buy us a little gift:

There appears to one less chocolate egg and several fewer marshmallows than five minutes ago. I blame the cat.

For your reading pleasure

Fri, 29 Jul 2011 00:00:00 +0000

Poet, photographer, and total Scotsman; Ian has been mentioned before in this organ.

Now a full-time resident in Pattaya, he continues to write terrible poems and take interesting photos, and he wanted a way to share them with the world. Being somewhat behind the times (he was still using Netscape Navigator as a web browser), his method of communication with his many admirers was to fire off a series of emails with massive attachments. What he really needed was a blog (and to get rid of Netscape).

Fuji X100 macro

Thu, 28 Jul 2011 00:00:00 +0000

Once you get up close and personal with subjects, the depth of field you have to play with is very small. Consequently, to make sure you have focused exactly where you intended, it is best to use manual focusing. And manual focusing is something the X100 does not do well.

So it was with little hope of success that I spent some time this morning shooting exclusively in macro mode, and indeed the camera was nowhere near as easy to use close-up as the Panasonic GF1. No problem with grabbing focus, but I was never sure what had been grabbed. I could zoom in and confirm that indeed it had not focused exactly where I wanted, but then trying to spin the useless manual focusing ring was a waste of time.

Still, when it did work, the shots looked OK (to my eyes). But if I was going out to shoot macro again I would leave the Fuji at home and take the GF1 (if I can stop she who must be obeyed from “borrowing” it).

Some Fuji macro shots, mainly at F4:

More software sucks

Wed, 27 Jul 2011 00:00:00 +0000

Please take the children out of the room and cover the ears of your granny.

Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Bastard bloody Windows!

Thank you, I feel better now.

I take back any passingly pleasant comments I made about Windows 7 this morning. It’s a cloak of charm covering the usual Microsoft wank.

Started up Win7 this afternoon and after coughing into life it announced that it was not happy about my copy of Windows; maybe it wasn’t genuine. Oh yes it is pal, and I have the original box to prove it. Shouting at it made no difference, so I looked at what it wanted me to do. Download a shitty little exe file was what it wanted me to do; all very 1990s. So I did, and I ran it and it shouted VALIDATION CHECK, before confirming that my copy of Windows was not genuine and would I like to buy a new copy online provided I was in the USA; otherwise tough luck.

Some software sucks

Wed, 27 Jul 2011 00:00:00 +0000

My computer hosts two operating systems, one from Apple and one from Microsoft; and they are both more than adequate at what they designed to do. I also have many useful applications, all of which work without crashing and serve my purposes.

And this is to be expected. If you are in the business of providing software, then you better make sure it works well or else you will not be in business for long (although Microsoft managed to get away with it with Vista).

A bit of a paddle

Sun, 24 Jul 2011 00:00:00 +0000

If you have an aversion to sails, you can still get yourself wet at the windsurfing club by paddling a stand-up paddle board (SUP). To promote the sport, the club held a relay race yesterday and the only way I could avoid being one of the competitors was to offer to take some photos.

There were boards on the beach….

…and twelve potential paddlers expressing various levels of reluctance. Once everyone was together, Craig started to explain the rules which were clearly being made up as he went along.

Living on the edge

Sat, 23 Jul 2011 00:00:00 +0000

My wife left me yesterday. Again. Off to her home town to investigate some land with which to further her dream of self-sufficiency.

As we left the condo she told the condo manager I was not allowed to bring any women back to our unit; but if I wanted to bring ladyboys that was OK. I’ll try anything ~~twice~~ once.

It is an increasingly worrying aspect of our relationship that, each time she goes away, I seem to miss her more. I used to be extremely comfortable on my own, and looked forward to a chance for a few days with no for company other than the ~~occasional ladyboy~~ cats. Yesterday I found myself looking forward to her return as soon as I put her on the bus for the airport. Disconcerting.

Meet the new boss, same as the old boss

Thu, 21 Jul 2011 00:00:00 +0000

My computer of choice for the last two and a half years has been a Mac Pro; eighteen kilos of aluminium and fancy bits, whisper quiet, reliable and fast enough to handle everything I throw at it. Even though it was already a year old when I bought it, it feels like it will go on for ever and I had no immediate need to change it.

But then a very nice chap from Bangkok had the misfortune to move into a smaller condo, have a baby, and decide he had no space for his top of the line, nine month old Mac Pro. He put it up for sale and eventually reduced the price so it was less than half he paid for it. Just too good to pass up….

Haircut one hundred

Wed, 20 Jul 2011 00:00:00 +0000

One hundred baht is a reasonable price for a haircut. Normally I pay one hundred baht less than that because she who must be obeyed wields the scissors and, with only the occasional mistake and limited blood loss, does a reasonable job on my scruffy head. But when she decides I am to get a professional cut, one hundred baht might just cover the tip. The problem is that she drags me to a salon in Central plaza, and it doesn’t get any more expensive than that.

Comes with added protein

Mon, 18 Jul 2011 00:00:00 +0000

One enterprising stallholder was selling his Thai desserts with extra protein at no additional charge.

Splash!

Sat, 16 Jul 2011 00:00:00 +0000

Candle in the wind

Fri, 15 Jul 2011 00:00:00 +0000

As anyone married to a Buddhist will tell you, today is Asarnha Bucha Day. Or, as expats call it, another no beer day.

So we made our usual pilgrimage (by car, followed by a very brief and not at all arduous walk) to the nearby Buddha hill. The sun had just set when we arrived, which made for a pleasantly blue sky.

Bangle boys

Thu, 14 Jul 2011 00:00:00 +0000

Fuji X100 Review

Thu, 14 Jul 2011 00:00:00 +0000

Photokina is the world’s largest photographic trade show, and the event is traditionally a time when manufacturers announce new models.

In the run-up to the event last September, everyone was waiting for perhaps a minor upgrade to the DSLRs churned out by Canon and Nikon. Or maybe a new selection of bright and sparkly point and shoot cameras with pet face recognition and shit image quality from seventeen different manufacturers. In other words, nothing of any note was expected.

And then, just before the show, Fuji announced this:

It was called the Fuji X100 and photographers went nuts. Voted the star of show at Photokina and subject to massive pre-ordering, the Fuji was an instant hit. And if you can’t understand why, then you probably don’t know about cameras like this:

This is the Leica M9 and it lurks on the edge of the consumer camera market. A throwback rangefinder design with a full frame sensor and a Leica lens which together produce stellar images. The only problem is that you either have to be insanely rich, or insane, to fork out the $10,000 or so to own one. But it costs nothing to desire one and most photographers would murder their pets for a chance to shoot a Leica M9 for a while (I have informed my cats that this is the case. They now avoid me). So when Fuji announced something that looked similar, but cost “only” $1,200; then the excitement was understandable.

When the X100 was announced, I remarked: “Once this is released next year, I am going to have to make sure that my credit card and this camera are never in the same room at the same time.” Almost inevitably, we were, and so now I have one. After a month or so of ownership I feel ready to record my thoughts.

Arabian cyber knights

Wed, 13 Jul 2011 00:00:00 +0000

Drive down a small soi off Theppraya Road and you will come across this:

Ocean 1 is go!

Wed, 13 Jul 2011 00:00:00 +0000

It’s more than five years since the 91 floor Ocean 1 project was announced. Tallest building in Thailand, new philosophy of living, prestige, sophisticated, fucking expensive etc. etc.

Since then, nothing; apart from the installation of a concrete plant which served all the projects in the area, apart from Ocean 1 itself.

When it comes to horses, I have no particular interest in flogging dead ones; but, as I receive Ocean 1 related hits almost daily, it seems like there are some people who want to know what is going on. So here we go, with some photos to gladden the hearts of investors:

Tea

Mon, 11 Jul 2011 00:00:00 +0000

Dream machines

Sat, 09 Jul 2011 00:00:00 +0000

Another car display at the Royal Garden Mall. Given that all the hi-so Thais and assorted rich people head for Central Mall rather than here, leaving a ragged collection of Russians and an overspill of Beach road hookers, it’s hard to grasp the intended target market.

Never mind, there was a lovely old E-Type:

Five years

Fri, 08 Jul 2011 00:00:00 +0000

We’ve got five years, my brain hurts a lot - David Bowie

Five years married to she who must be obeyed and my brain was hurting as to how to celebrate the occasion. She wasn’t going to get that ring she was always going on about, so it would have to be a trip to somewhere special. Trouble is, she updates the list of places she would like to visit on an almost daily basis.

Everest base camp- too cold Paris - too French Korangal valley - too deadly

So I settled on this:

The blue shop

Thu, 07 Jul 2011 00:00:00 +0000

Fancy flower

Tue, 05 Jul 2011 00:00:00 +0000

Or as she who must be obeyed would call it, a Habitas.

Superstition Central

Mon, 04 Jul 2011 00:00:00 +0000

Wat Sothorn is a large but somewhat unimpressive temple. The outside lacks decoration, although maybe I caught it on a bad day because it was pissing it down when I took this:

Exercising her democratic right

Sun, 03 Jul 2011 00:00:00 +0000

It’s election day in Thailand and she who must be obeyed was keen to exercise her democratic right. I was keen not to spend hours waiting while she queued. so we were at the polling station shortly after it opened.

While everyday life in Thailand can often resemble unmitigated chaos, the Thais are pretty good when it comes to organising specific events; such as an election. A piece of paper had already arrived in the post, telling her where she had to vote; in the grounds of a nearby school. When we arrived we found six separate polling stations. First we had to check the lists posted outside each station till we found the right one. Each station had a desk where you queued to show your id card. In return there were two voting forms to be signed, and then off to stand in a little green booth, before sticking the votes in two boxes; one for a candidate and one for a party.

A good month

Fri, 01 Jul 2011 00:00:00 +0000

June saw the highest ever number of visits to Pattaya Days (apart from the Jeff Savage month which saw ratings go through the roof). More than 7,000 visits to the site, and this in a month which didn’t feature any photos of horses.

So, thanks for visiting.

And as part of my extended thank you speech, I would also like to thank The Son for making my theme work perfectly, and Wordpress for providing such a slick piece of software for a a very reasonable cost (free).

Nothing to be smug about

Fri, 01 Jul 2011 00:00:00 +0000

It’s only a couple of days before the Thai general election and, as an outsider, it would be easy to be smug about the lack of democracy and the assorted puppets and criminals running for office.

Nothing like the UK you might think, where there is a rigorous system of democracy that ensures only the brightest and best political minds reach parliament. People like Ed Milliband…..

Now go to this link and watch all of this.

Return to the stainless steel temple

Fri, 01 Jul 2011 00:00:00 +0000

Speedo and durex

Fri, 01 Jul 2011 00:00:00 +0000

She who must be obeyed likes to chat. Sometimes she likes to chat with me, and sometimes she just chats to herself. It’s important that I recognise which chat is which, otherwise I might interrupt one of her stream of consciousness offerings which are frequently amusing and best left uninterrupted. Like this one:

Preamble: We were driving down beach road and observed the usual collection of scruffy hookers, waiting for equally scruffy customers. I mentioned that there would be a high risk of disease from an association with one of these ladies. There was silence for a few seconds, and then she started:

The cake lady

Fri, 01 Jul 2011 00:00:00 +0000

Look what I found in my lunch.....

Thu, 30 Jun 2011 00:00:00 +0000

At last, a politican who is not (yet) corrupt

Wed, 29 Jun 2011 00:00:00 +0000

Things that are prohibited for monks: number 42

Wed, 29 Jun 2011 00:00:00 +0000

Buying lottery tickets.

Bye Bye Penang

Tue, 28 Jun 2011 00:00:00 +0000

Focus on this. Or this.

Tue, 28 Jun 2011 00:00:00 +0000

How many photos have you taken that are out of focus? The answer will be something between “all of them” and “some”.

If you have a small child rushing around, or are trying to focus in on individual people moving down the street; then your failure rate will be very high.

If only there was a camera where you could just snap away and then fix the focus later.

Take the shot below. It’s focused on the girl in the foreground. I wonder what the girl in the red dress looks like? Click on her. Now you know. Click anywhere and that point will come in focus (unless you are using a tablet or IE6).

What to do on a rainy day

Tue, 28 Jun 2011 00:00:00 +0000

Our second day in Penang and we woke up to pouring rain. What to do, other than consume vast quantities of roti? Through a blur of cocktails the previous evening, I recalled that the barman had recommended a trip to Penang Hill for a view over the city; followed by a trip to a nearby temple with the best laksa in town available nearby.

It was either that or sit in the hotel feeling miserable; so we hopped on a bus and headed out to the hill. There are two ways of getting to the top. Walk for several hours, or take the recently opened funicular railway. We chose the latter and were soon sitting in the gloom waiting for the ride up the hill.

Come any closer and I'll rip your face off

Mon, 27 Jun 2011 00:00:00 +0000

Penang pics

Mon, 27 Jun 2011 00:00:00 +0000

Some shots from our wanders around Penang.

Red windows

Mon, 27 Jun 2011 00:00:00 +0000

One of the more interesting places to visit in Penang is the Pinang Peranakan Mansion. About 100 baht equivalent gives you free reign to a two storey mansion stuffed with artefacts. I particularly liked the windows of stained glass:

Meantime, life goes on all around you

Sat, 25 Jun 2011 00:00:00 +0000

The Georgetown area of Penang has been declared a UNESCO World Heritage Site. What this means is that buildings inside the designated zone cannot be torn down and turned into high rise malls. What it doesn’t mean is that the place has become some sort of museum. There are some fancy restored houses dotted around, but most of the area remains a place of working shophouses and street markets; and people.

Lit by a lantern

Fri, 24 Jun 2011 00:00:00 +0000

Roti! Roti! Roti!

Fri, 24 Jun 2011 00:00:00 +0000

I lived for seven years in Malaysia and developed an addiction for the food. A multi-ethnic country may lead to political and social problems; but it does wonders for the choice of food and I was completely besotted with Chinese char kway teow, Malay desserts, and Indian roti canai. The latter was a particular favourite and every Saturday I would pop down to the local roti shop for a couple of roti canai and a bowl of chicken curry. The absence of this dish in Thailand has been a constant source of heartache, so any chance to indulge is always welcome.

The Son and his girlfriend made a trip to Penang as part of their recent Asian tour. Five minutes after checking into his hotel, he sent me a mail to inform me that there was a roti restaurant right over the road. Oh, and the hotel was very good too.

Driven more by the former fact than the latter, I therefore booked a trip for a couple of days, emphasising to she who must be obeyed that it was all about soaking in the culture and not about eating roti.

The hotel was indeed most pleasant. Only opened a few months ago, it is the result of an extensive refurbishment of a block of old Chinese shophouses.

A small break

Sun, 19 Jun 2011 00:00:00 +0000

Going to be without internet access for a few days. The massive enterprise that is Pattaya Days is closing down for a while. Toodle pip!

Comments 🔗

2011-06-20 | K.B. says

What !!!!! No pre-scheduled photos of your cats or of polo ponies for us to look at while you are gone. What is the world coming too.

2011-06-20 | Spike says

Be careful what you ask for…..

2011-06-20 | genuinej says

Boulevard of broken dreams...

Sun, 19 Jun 2011 00:00:00 +0000

…..and broken lightbulbs.

Gold leaf

Sun, 19 Jun 2011 00:00:00 +0000

Taxi!

Sun, 19 Jun 2011 00:00:00 +0000

Tree wrapping

Sun, 19 Jun 2011 00:00:00 +0000

The dangers of sharing

Sat, 18 Jun 2011 00:00:00 +0000

I have no problem with people using my photos, provided they ask first, and provided they don’t then bugger them up.

These two things don’t always happen. If I am not asked, then of course I probably will never know that they have been stolen. There is the occasional exception; but you just have to accept that if your put photos up on the internet, people are going to steal them and you are unlikely to find out.

But the real pain comes when you provide the photos, and the photos are abused. It’s almost, but not quite, like seeing your children being tortured.

The most painful example arose from a request from the windsurfing club for some shots that they could use for advertising. We set up a special shoot and captured some great images. The light was right, the wind was right, and the camera was pointing in the right places at the right time; fantastic. Really happy with the results which could have been printed at A2 or higher on laminated plastic and would have looked amazing. Instead they were printed on cheap corrugated junk and looked utter shit; the photos might as well have come from an ancient phone camera. I die a little inside every time I pass them.

And now I have been pierced through the heart again; and it’s another windsurfing shot. You may recall this from a few weeks ago:

Where am I?

Thu, 16 Jun 2011 00:00:00 +0000

In a bid to tempt consumers, camera manufacturers have built all manner of crap into their products. Pet recognition, an option that will only take a shot if people are smiling, baby galleries. If you are mildly serious about photography; all of these are a complete waste of time. But one gizmo which I wouldn’t mind having is GPS tracking; so that each photo would be marked with the location where it was taken. Not for me of course, but for the wonderful readers of this organ who ~~frequently~~ ~~often~~ ~~occasionally~~ once asked where it was that I took some photos.

In the absence of such facilities in my cameras, I turned to my phone. Not so long ago you only used you phone for making phone calls; but nowadays you kill pigs with angry birds, read the news, fuck around on Facebook and generally waste your life on a three inch screen. Turns out you can also use it to geotag your photos.

GPS4Phone runs on the iPhone. Start it up and you get this:

For general shooting you can capture your location every five minutes. If you are walking around a large temple site and want to record the exact position of every photo, you can capture a point every 30 seconds. If you only want to capture the occasional point, you just give the phone a shake while it is in your pocket. But be careful, you can get thrown out of temples for apparently masturbating via your pocket.

Once you have finished your photo session, you end the capture and can review a map showing the capture points:

Then you generate a QR code which you photograph for future use.

Back home and you place all the photos you want to tag (RAW or JPG) into a directory, along with the photo of the QR code. Then you run a piece of software downloaded from the GPS4Phone site and it reads the QR code and magically alters the exif of all your photos to include location information.

I was going to try this out with our recent visit to the bat temple. But I discovered a fatal flaw with the concept; if you forget to run GPS4Phone before you start taking your photos, it doesn’t work…. In fact, I remembered I had forgotten when we were driving home from the temple. Luckily, there was another temple stop on our way home, the pretty place near the service area on the Bangkok-Chonburi motorway. So I tried it and it worked a treat. When I loaded my photo to Flickr, the location of the shot was shown on a map.

A guide to the Thai elections

Tue, 14 Jun 2011 00:00:00 +0000

One of the many joys of living in Thailand is that you never really understand what is going on. The whole country operates in an alternative state of reality, like a bad sci-fi movie. As an outsider, all you can do is observe, bemused and amused, while weird stuff happens. And it doesn’t get much weirder than a general election.

You can tell there is an election on the way when the verges at the side of the road are crammed with banners bearing photos of heavily Photoshopped thugs. Most seem to offer the unsubtle message “vote for me or else I’ll break your nose”. The thug fashion parade is currently in full swing, so I know an election is coming.

I don’t know the exact date, sometime in July I think; but if there is no beer available then that is probably the day. It is necessary to ban alcohol on election days, otherwise the Thais would be so depressed at the appalling candidate choices that they would turn to drink to null the pain. Another sign that it is election time is when we experience a coup. If there is a coup, then count back about four days and that will have been election day, with the “wrong” winner.

There are a zillion parties contesting the election. Only two have a realistic chance of securing substantial votes; the remainder will tag along and offer to join a coalition with one of the main parties in exchange for ~~their detailed manifestos for improving the country being adopted by the government~~ cash.

Each party has a number. This is because the names of the parties sound depressingly familiar. Choose any three words from “Thai democracy nation united love motherland social people” to form a jingoistic phrase; and that is probably a party name. Easy to get confused, so just pick a number.

Party number 1 are Phak Puea Thai.

The lion and the lantern

Sun, 12 Jun 2011 00:00:00 +0000

All dressed up and everywhere to go

Fri, 10 Jun 2011 00:00:00 +0000

After two years, my GF1 camera looks like it has been pulled backwards through a hedge of barbed wire and then given to teething children as a comforter. Please forget I just told you this because I may wish to sell it later in the year, at which point it will be advertised as being in “pristine condition with minor blemishes”.

The new toy is the Fuji X100 and, however it may function as a photographic device (it continues to delight and frustrate me in equal measure), it is undoubtedly a thing of beauty; and I have decided I want to keep it looking that way. And so:

The Pattaya Days iPhone App may be slightly delayed

Fri, 10 Jun 2011 00:00:00 +0000

As I am sure you are (not) aware, today marks the end of the Apple WWDC (World Wide Developers Conference). Several days of intellectual masturbation, where those who develop for the Apple platform attend intense programming presentations and drink too much. The second bit is not highlighted in the publicity material, but every conference I have ever attended has featured “drinking too much” as a core activity.

I should have been there, but tickets to the event sold out in a couple of hours. I rather hoped that my elevated status as an advanced programmer would have secured me a personal invitation from Mr. Jobs, but no such luck.

By “advanced programmer” I mean I have downloaded the development software and bought a book.

Bat out of hell

Thu, 09 Jun 2011 00:00:00 +0000

An early morning trip with Nik to Wat Pho Bang Khla. Arriving at the temple, the trees appear to be full of strange fruit.

Magic bus

Tue, 07 Jun 2011 00:00:00 +0000

Plant mort trees

Tue, 07 Jun 2011 00:00:00 +0000

Presumably a member of an obscure French anti-environmental group.

Boys in the bar

Sun, 05 Jun 2011 00:00:00 +0000

Chess on the beach

Sun, 05 Jun 2011 00:00:00 +0000

The Ancient City

Sun, 05 Jun 2011 00:00:00 +0000

On the south side of Bangkok there is a complex containing buildings from all over Thailand. Some are actual buildings that have been moved to the site, some are copies ( life size or sometimes smaller) of famous Thai structures, and some are just representation of themes. It’s called the Ancient City and I visited it with a female companion whose name I forget, many years ago. I know this because I still have a photo of myself, taken by the forgotten female, sat in front of a building, looking rather bored. And indeed that is my memory of the place, although it may have been down to the company rather than the location; because we went again last week and it was quite delightful.

They must have built many more exhibits since I last visited. One in particular stood out, quite literally. You can see it in the background here:

The proposition

Sun, 05 Jun 2011 00:00:00 +0000

Love at first sight

Fri, 03 Jun 2011 00:00:00 +0000

Walk on the wild side

Thu, 02 Jun 2011 00:00:00 +0000

Pattaya’s beach road is a heady mixture of hookers, customers, pimps, vendors, and bemused tourists who wonder what they have wandered into. A wonderful place to take a camera, except the hookers don’t like to be photographed, and I suspect their customers are not too keen on the idea either. Point a sodding big SLR at beach lady and you may have an angry pimp to deal with. But how about an inconsequential little camera like the Fuji X100, touted as ideal street camera?

The answer is that, used with discretion (i.e. fear of being thumped), I was generally ignored. One guy did ask me how many years I had been taking photographs, the inference being that I was clearly using a vintage camera.

Anyway, here are some shots. I want to make it clear that none of the young ladies hanging around on beach road are prostitutes; they just like to spend their days near the sea wearing make-up and being friendly to passing men.

Blossoms

Wed, 01 Jun 2011 00:00:00 +0000

Shadow on the wall

Tue, 31 May 2011 00:00:00 +0000

An afternoon drive

Mon, 30 May 2011 00:00:00 +0000

A plan to windsurf was abandoned due to a lack of wind, so we took a drive down the coast to Sai Keaw beach.

A thing of beauty

Sun, 29 May 2011 00:00:00 +0000

Market people

Sun, 29 May 2011 00:00:00 +0000

It's not my fault

Fri, 27 May 2011 00:00:00 +0000

With the son away, I was feeling rather down yesterday morning. My condition was not helped following a review of my finances. More eating out than usual, plus a few trips, plus a recent TV purchase on credit; meant that the Spike banking system was feeling a little Greek. Some restrictions on spending will be required over the next couple of months, which may also be a challenge because I had promised she who must be obeyed a “just the two of us” holiday.

Suitably crestfallen, I was wandering around Central while she who must be obeyed attended to some banking, and I came across something which is very hard to find. The only one in Pattaya and just arrived that very morning apparently. I had a play with it and it was beautiful. But I didn’t need it and couldn’t afford it; and was proud of my willpower when I walked out of the shop empty handed.

In the car and heading for the exit, I told she who must be obeyed about it.

That’s the gorgeous thing that’s in short supply isn’t it? she said

Indeed, I answered; amazed that she remembered previous Spike ramblings.

It’s an instant classic.

It is.

You should get it.

I can’t afford it and don’t need it.

You should still get it.

So we re-parked the car and I bought it. It’s all her fault.

Life without trousers

Fri, 27 May 2011 00:00:00 +0000

The Son and his girlfriend arrived in Thailand in February. They returned to the UK yesterday, after four months of flitting around the region and chilling out in Pattaya. When they were away, we had the company of she who must be obeyed’s sister.

So now the condo seems strangely quiet, with just us and the cats. It’s been great to have company, and I do wish that I lived closer to The Son so we could see each other more often; but that’s life and I will just have to look forward to the next time we can meet up.

I'm a wanker

Thu, 26 May 2011 00:00:00 +0000

Or add your own caption:

Wednesday flowers

Wed, 25 May 2011 00:00:00 +0000

End of days - the beat goes on

Mon, 23 May 2011 00:00:00 +0000

The considerable disappointment that accompanied the failure of the end of days event has not been explained to Pattaya baht bus drivers, who continue to advertise judgement day. I do wonder who paid for this nonsense….

Not seen on the London Underground

Mon, 23 May 2011 00:00:00 +0000

Ryan Giggs bonked Imogen Thomas

Mon, 23 May 2011 00:00:00 +0000

True. Allegedly.

In the lunatic world of UK law, there is apparently a thing called a “super-injunction”. This allows anyone with enough cash to stop media publication of things that they did which they wish to keep secret.

Such a person was Ryan Giggs, who I understand is a footballer. Presumably without the knowledge of his wife, he embarked upon a seven month affair with Imogen Thomas who appeared briefly in a reality show and is therefore “famous”.

Stomach slightly distended

Mon, 23 May 2011 00:00:00 +0000

Another brick in the wall, Part 2

Sat, 21 May 2011 00:00:00 +0000

Slightly disappointed

Sat, 21 May 2011 00:00:00 +0000

It appears I am still here; rather than in heaven. So, instead of rapture for life everlasting, I am stuck in Pattaya for an indeterminate period. Sucks to be me. Anyone want to buy a bible?

Comments 🔗

2011-05-21 | Pete says

Try and flog your bible to that misguided chap Harold Camping in America. His is broken, apparently.

2011-05-22 | genuinej says

If you had an ounce of charity you’d be giving your bible away! Want to swap it for a creme egg?

End of (Pattaya) days

Fri, 20 May 2011 00:00:00 +0000

This will be my last post on Pattaya Days.

It’s been fun; but as from tomorrow I will no longer be around to write my usual nonsense. Some people see Pattaya as heaven; but it isn’t really. The only place that is heaven is, well, heaven; and I am off there tomorrow. Allegedly.

I have packed a small bag with essentials. Camera, Ipad and my complete collection of Calvin and Hobbes cartoons. Don’t think I will need anything else, but can’t be sure because the details are somewhat hazy.

Wat Phutthaisawan

Fri, 20 May 2011 00:00:00 +0000

Off to Ayutthaya and we check in to the Iudia hotel.. Charming little place, with a spectacular view over the river to Wat Phutthaisawan.

Sadly, our room did not have a view of the temple, but it did compensate by having an open-air shower area with a shower head that dropped water from at least a three metre height. Bliss.

Of course we had to make the trip to check out the temple:

All in all, it's just another brick in the wall

Thu, 19 May 2011 00:00:00 +0000

Bangkok cultural experience

Thu, 19 May 2011 00:00:00 +0000

Off to Bangkok for a quick visit.

Fruit follow-up

Thu, 19 May 2011 00:00:00 +0000

After a few days away (about which, more later), we returned to discover that the durian hoard amassed during our visit to the fruit orchard was ready for eating. We knew this because our condo, and probably all units in a 50 metre radius, stank of durian. Such a delight.

She who must be obeyed wasted no time in cutting one open and suggesting I photograph it before she eats the contents. So here you are, the insides of a durian:

A fruity day

Sat, 14 May 2011 00:00:00 +0000

It’s durian season (apparently) and so it was off to visit some friends in Rayong who own a fruit orchard. There was a little cart waiting for us, the contents of which was loaded into the back of our car.

Sea shells

Fri, 13 May 2011 00:00:00 +0000

My new camera?

Thu, 12 May 2011 00:00:00 +0000

Perhaps the Panasonic G3, announced today. A decent upgrade from my GF1 with an articulated screen, a built-in viewfinder and an improvement in image quality along with more megapixels.

And it does look rather fetching in red:

There’s also black, white or brown if red is too much for the senses.

Anyone want to buy a GF1?

Comments 🔗

2011-05-12 | Jamie says

Thanks again for your blog and photos - I almost bought a GF-1 when you started raving, but … as can be seen, cameras change so fast, by the time you buy that “new camera” it’s already been bettered!

Taxing time

Thu, 12 May 2011 00:00:00 +0000

She who must be obeyed announced the need to re-tax her car and, as it is now very old, obtain the Thai equivalent of an MOT certificate.

Why don’t you re-tax your car at the same time, she suggested?

No need, I will wait until it is due.

Why wait if we are driving all the way out there, you might as well get it done.

With much grumbling, I agreed, and went to fetch my log book; only to find that my tax expired three months ago…..

Infiltrating the armed forces

Wed, 11 May 2011 00:00:00 +0000

The Son and his beloved expressed an interest to visit a sea turtle conservation centre. No problem, except it was slap bang in the middle of a navy base.

Nothing daunted, we rolled up at the entrance to the base and were halted by a man with a big gun. We were then directed to a guard house where another man with a big gun, even bigger muscles, and a truckload of communication equipment looked at us with weary eyes. The conversation went something like this:

Man with big gun: I will need an ID card for the Thais, and the passport from each of the farangs.

She who must be obeyed: I left my ID at home and the farangs don’t have their passports. But, on a brighter note, you can have the farang driver’s driving licence.

MWBG: Surely you must have your ID card with you?

SWMBO: No, sorry.

MWBG: And you should know that farangs must surrender their passports to enter military facilities.

SWMBO: Yes, I know, sorry.

MWBG: So there is no way I can let you in with just a farang driving licence.

SWMBO: Oh, go on, please.

MWBG: Oh, alright then.

So wonderfully Thai.

As was the turtle conservation facility which consisted of a small building with a rather crap display and an area with tanks containing turtles of various sizes.

Bugged to death

Tue, 10 May 2011 00:00:00 +0000

The Downtown Inn in Chiang Mai is a mid-range hotel with mixed reviews on Trip Advisor. One guest noted “The only thing that was truly offensive was the disgusting bed sheets that were stained with what looked to be blood, coffee,… “.

Not sure about the coffee; but the blood might be connected to the fact that seven people have recently died having stayed at the hotel; including a pair of British pensioners who were found dead in their room. The local police were on the case and decided it was food poisoning caused by eating toxic seaweed. The governor of Chiang Mai announced that the fact that all these people had been staying at the same hotel was just an unfortunate coincidence and very bad luck for the hotel owner. Pretty bad luck for those that died too, although he didn’t mention that.

Metalworkers

Tue, 10 May 2011 00:00:00 +0000

Tins

Tue, 10 May 2011 00:00:00 +0000

Tropical storm opportunity

Mon, 09 May 2011 00:00:00 +0000

A passing tropical storm meant big seas and high winds this morning; time for intrepid windsurfers with high levels of fitness and skill to hit the water. That excluded me of course, so I had to be content to stand on the shore and take some photos.

Star performer was Bo from Amara Windsurfing who managed to find air in all manner of places:

Stainless steel temple

Sun, 08 May 2011 00:00:00 +0000

You don’t have to go far in Thailand to find a temple. Most are attractive buildings. worthy of poking a camera towards; but once you have done a couple, they all start to look the same.

There are exceptions, most notable of which is the astonishing white temple near Chang Rai. And yesterday, not far from the pink Ganesh, we found a stainless steel temple under construction.

An alcohol-free pink elephant

Sat, 07 May 2011 00:00:00 +0000

Shat out of a cat

Thu, 05 May 2011 00:00:00 +0000

The latest attempt by Royal Garden Plaza to drag unwilling potential customers through the doors is a coffee festival.

Pattaya Pinhole Day (tm)

Tue, 03 May 2011 00:00:00 +0000

Yesterday was nominated (by me) as being Pattaya Pinhole Day, and The Son and I headed off to a local temple to shoot some pinhole photos.

As usual, his eye found more interesting angles than I did. This mirrored the experience from our recent trip to Chiang Mai where he captured some stunning images; and I didn’t. He has his mother’s artistic genes, and I have the artistic flair of a house brick.

Never mind, it was fun and I expect there will be another designated Pattaya Pinhole Day soon.

Spike shots:

Sunday sports

Sun, 01 May 2011 00:00:00 +0000

Bit of a sporty day in Pattaya today which I fully intended covering.

First was to be the mountain bike challenge which would involve an early start on Pratumnak hill. Regretfully, I was required to go and drink coffee and eat brownies at the polo club for the official purpose of discussing a book to which I am to contribute; so that was one event off the list.

Never mind, on the way back I would photograph a sepak takraw tournament on Jomtien beach. Except I wouldn’t because they were not playing and there was nowhere to park. Two failures in a row.

Next on the list was the first ever floorball match in Thailand. Not sure what floorball looks like; but decided it might be photogenic, so headed off to the stadium. Damn, it seemed popular! There were buses and a very full car park, not the minority sport I had expected. Getting closer, and we realised we were in the middle of a massive Christian rally, with no floorball in sight. Our fears were confirmed by this:

The good old days

Fri, 29 Apr 2011 00:00:00 +0000

I spent my formative years in Middlesbrough; an industrial northern town situated next to the North York Moors National Park; one of the most beautiful areas of England. Sadly, the same could not be said of Middlesbrough, at least not when I lived there. The city was a centre for the steel and chemicals industry; and the latter in particular was responsible for levels of pollution that would never be tolerated today outside of China.

The culprit was a company called Imperial Chemical Industries, or as they were known locally, The I.C.I. I can still recall walking out of our front door into a foul-smelling yellow mist that would irritate the throat and water the eyes; and would linger for days. The abuse was tolerated because the I.C.I. was a significant employer in the area. If you didn’t work for them, you knew someone who did. My father didn’t, he was a salesman for a nut and bolt distributor (oh, the glamour); and when I was not choking on my way to school, I would spend my holidays working in the nut and bolt warehouse which was conveniently located opposite an abattoir.

The stink of the abattoir, mixed with the yellow mist from the chemical works, ensured an asthmatic and stinky childhood.

And why am I reminded of this? Well. as is so often the case, it’s thanks to Nik. Tired of purchasing crap lenses from eBay, he is now purchasing ancient and rather tatty photographic texts, like this one:

Wedding excess

Fri, 29 Apr 2011 00:00:00 +0000

Apparently there is an event in the UK today involving a member of the monarchy. As this does not involve a wall and a firing squad, I have no interest.

Not so she who must be obeyed. She is currently glued to the BBC iPlayer and is busy celebrity spotting. She has already fired off some Facebook updates, including:

…with the pithy observation “Hat! Hat! Hat! Just like in Pet Society Game”.

Scottish macro time

Thu, 28 Apr 2011 00:00:00 +0000

My $17 macro solution is all well and good if you want to take photos really close up in the studio; but bugger all use in the real world. There is the Panasonic Leica 45mm macro; but that will set you back around $800. Alternatively, you can choose from a wide range of legacy lenses and buy an adapter for micro four thirds. Nik had struck lucky on eBay and found a 55mm Yashica macro; and was very happy with his purchase. So I waited for another one to appear and snapped it up for 4,000 baht.

Incy Wincy spider, climbing up the brick.

Wed, 27 Apr 2011 00:00:00 +0000

She who must be obeyed decided we should go for a walk this afternoon, so we did.

We saw roadworks, half completed building projects and hundreds of signs for building projects that will probably never start. There were piles of rubbish, motorbike taxi boys on drugs and assorted hookers of both sexes. Just the normal Pattaya street scene and nothing special to photograph.

As I had a macro lens on my camera, I was hoping for something small to shoot, like a really tiny hooker; but the best I could manage was a thumbnail-sized spider that was leaping around on a brick.

Pasty face

Wed, 27 Apr 2011 00:00:00 +0000

Just a bit of shopping

Tue, 26 Apr 2011 00:00:00 +0000

This morning was to be dedicated to the noble pursuit of finishing Portal 2. My endeavours were disrupted by the return of the Pioneer TV, and it must have been surprised to find that it had been overthrown during its absence by the arrival of the new Samsung monster screen. Never mind, the Pioneer now rests in the second bedroom where it will no doubt be used by The Son and his girlfriend on their return from their current travels.

The last horse

Mon, 25 Apr 2011 00:00:00 +0000

Please try not to be too upset; but the Polo season finished yesterday. This means no more photos of leaping horses for another six months. Here’s a final offering from the last game:

Worldwide Pinhole Photography Day

Sun, 24 Apr 2011 00:00:00 +0000

To celebrate the occasion, I went to Nong Nuch this morning, carrying only my GF1, the Pinwide and a tripod. Took a few shots before collapsing in the heat.

A holy day

Sat, 23 Apr 2011 00:00:00 +0000

Whilst some of the world are celebrating something to do with Jesus and his amazing egg-laden bunnies; there’s a hard-core of crazies who recognise today as Worldwide Pinhole Photography day.

A pinhole photograph is created by using a tiny hole to allow light onto the film or sensor. There is no lens, just the hole. The principle was discovered by the Chinese (who else?) about 500 years before Jesus and his bunnies appeared; and pinhole cameras have been around for more than a hundred years.

Nowadays, if you want to take pinhole photographs, you make your own camera. Pringles cans are popular as the basis, or you can just poke a hole on an old lens cap and stick it on your regular camera. Or, if you have a Micro Four Thirds camera, you can now buy a custom designed pinhole, called a Pinwide, from Wanderlust Cameras.

Why pay $40 when you can make one yourself? Well, the hole on the Pinwide has been etched to an exact size to give the best possible image; and the Pinwide hole is recessed deep into the camera so you obtain a very wide field of view and gather the maximum light. Plus it comes in a very attractive tin box, and you can never have too many attractive tin boxes.

Billy time

Fri, 22 Apr 2011 00:00:00 +0000

I have known Billy for more than thirty years. I don’t recall our first encounter, but it was probably in the bar in the office in Aberdeen. Back in the swinging seventies, it was not unusual for a company to have a pub for employees on the premises; and Shell in Aberdeen had a very good one (i.e. subsidised). Being a loyal employee, I felt it was my duty to frequent the bar after work so I could get tanked up before attempting to drive home.

Free Portal

Fri, 22 Apr 2011 00:00:00 +0000

If this blog had been running in 2007, I would no doubt have bored you with paragraphs of praise for a game called Portal.

It’s a fairly brief, it’s very funny, it’s a puzzle, it’s an almost perfect piece of intelligent entertainment. And the world agrees.

If you haven’t played it, then you really should; and now maybe you can, for free!

For now there is Portal 2. It’s much longer, it’s even funnier (mainly due to the voice of Stephen Merchant), the puzzles are more diverse, it’s a perfect piece of intelligent entertainment. Those who pre-ordered Portal 2 (and that included me), were given a free copy of the original Portal game; and I am going to give that to you.

I'm just a singer in a rock and roll band

Wed, 20 Apr 2011 00:00:00 +0000

Phalusonic

Wed, 20 Apr 2011 00:00:00 +0000

Nik goes a bit crazy when looking for lenses on eBay. Apart from buying coffee cups by mistake, he has a tendency to turn all hot and sweaty over long lens. Clearly it is a penile envy issue, further evidenced by his suggestion of the title for this post.

Usually, I am able to dissuade him from purchasing replica willies, which will look and act ridiculous on our tiny Panasonic cameras; but I failed to stop his latest acquisition, a 400mm Sigma lens originally designed to sit on a Canon film camera.

Brain planet

Mon, 18 Apr 2011 00:00:00 +0000

Get yer tits out

Mon, 18 Apr 2011 00:00:00 +0000

Seed pod bloom

Mon, 18 Apr 2011 00:00:00 +0000

The scourge of cakes and Christianty

Mon, 18 Apr 2011 00:00:00 +0000

Had a perfect weekend planned. Windsurfing on Saturday, followed by a trip to Nanotrax on Sunday to watch the Chinese Grand Prix and then stay for the weekly radio controlled car race where I could delight in coming last; again.

Off to windsurf and needed some sustenance before hitting the water, provided by a ham sandwich and a fruit cake from a local supermarket; neither of which offered an expiry date. Off for a sail and had the feeling that the fish were about to see my makeshift lunch. The queasy feeling continued into the evening and by Sunday morning I felt capable of slumping in a chair and doing not very much.

A bit of a mouthful

Fri, 15 Apr 2011 00:00:00 +0000

Love tree

Fri, 15 Apr 2011 00:00:00 +0000

Blessings

Thu, 14 Apr 2011 00:00:00 +0000

Bulb shot

Thu, 14 Apr 2011 00:00:00 +0000

Could I take a photo of an LED bulb? I thought I probably could so agreed to have a go.

When a bulb is not doing the job for which it was designed, it is easy enough to shoot. Put it on a piece of my favourite plastic pipe so it suspended above the shootings surface and produce a generic shot with almost no shadow.

Golden sword

Thu, 14 Apr 2011 00:00:00 +0000

A spanner in the works

Wed, 13 Apr 2011 00:00:00 +0000

Alternatively: Canon Bangkok calibrates my lens with extreme prejudice.

Big in Japan

Wed, 13 Apr 2011 00:00:00 +0000

Sorry for being absent for a week; but I’ve been in Japan. Started not far from Kyoto and have been travelling through various provinces. Not always welcome by the citizens to be honest; and at times I had to revert to some rather extreme tactics to gain acceptance. I’ve laid waste to towns, assassinated generals with ninjas, blockaded ports and left thousands dead on the green fields of rural Japan. Yep, I’ve been playing Total War: Shogun 2.

Night flower

Wed, 13 Apr 2011 00:00:00 +0000

Oops

Wed, 13 Apr 2011 00:00:00 +0000

A letter from an old friend

Wed, 06 Apr 2011 00:00:00 +0000

Back in the day, Shell sent me to work in The Hague. The job involved convincing operating companies to implement the business system of choice, and there were three people assigned to the task. One was the boss and he focused on procrastination and coffee drinking from the safety of his office, while the other two (one of whom was me) spent too much of their time on aircraft (in the days before air miles), visiting reluctant customers in locations offering varying degrees of shitiness (Nigeria was not a popular choice, Oman was).

Best of the horse photos 2010/11

Mon, 04 Apr 2011 00:00:00 +0000

Also known as the Pattaya Summer Bra Carnival.

To reinforce the carnival theme, it was necessary to start proceedings with a dance by a couple of Brazilian girls who made up for a total absence of dancing skill with plenty of enthusiasm and desperate smiling.

A little tweak

Sun, 03 Apr 2011 00:00:00 +0000

The Son has returned from his trip to New Zealand and is more than ready for a few days of doing nothing. Little chance of that, given that Pattaya Days needs a tweak.

The “Recent Searches” box differed from the rest of the sidebar items in as much as there was not a “>” at the start of each line. Unacceptable, and only a matter of time before genuinej complained about it. So, dearest son, could you fix it?

A tale of two tellies

Sun, 03 Apr 2011 00:00:00 +0000

When I was thrown onto the junkheap of humanity by being forced into early retirement (Ed: oh please), the blow was slightly softened by a sizeable chunk of cash. A portion of the funds were allocated to the acquisition of a new TV, the remaining balance was donated anonymously to a worthwhile charity (Ed: oh please).

The TV was necessary partly because my existing Sony CRT had evolved to the stage where it could display any colour you like as long as it was a shade of vomit; but also because I had always fancied a Pioneer; and this was a time to get one. So, hello 42" Pioneer Plasma slab of loveliness and for a while I was content. But then came HD and Blu-Ray and my Pioneer couldn’t handle that; so it had to go.

Bovine Brothel

Sat, 02 Apr 2011 00:00:00 +0000

Or, as it is officially known, the Pattaya International Stock Show.

There is a veneer of respectability. Assorted livestock parade in the display ring, and judges from overseas choose the winner (I have no idea what makes a winning cow).

Don't you go sheeping our products

Tue, 29 Mar 2011 00:00:00 +0000

Oh, the irony

Tue, 29 Mar 2011 00:00:00 +0000

Not just a grammatical disaster; but if you are going to sell a bag using the sales pitch that the customer is someone who cares about the environment by not using plastic bags, don’t sell it wrapped in plastic…

Here's a challenge you might enjoy

Mon, 28 Mar 2011 00:00:00 +0000

I have received a mail from purecontent.com. They apparently are not impressed with the quality of the content on this site and have made me the following offer:

We would like to offer you some free of charge, unique content in the

form of a guest post written specifically for your site. This is a

genuine offer that could help both our sites, so if you are

interested, please read on . . .

Not a gearbox story

Mon, 28 Mar 2011 00:00:00 +0000

I believe it was Oscar Wilde that said “a gentleman should have a story about a gearbox, a lady should be unaware of the existence of such things”. Being a gentleman, I have such a story; but I have already told it; so my offer to clear the air after the previous rather unsettling post, with a rambling tale about cogs will have to be rescinded. But the gearbox story reminded me of my car building days; so that will have to do in an attempt to clear the air of any whiff of femininity.

My performance car owning enterprises have followed the well-known cycle: death of a relative- fast road car- racing car - financial ruin. The first cycle started in my late teens. While other boys were sticking photos of suspiciously buxom women into suspiciously sticky scrapbooks; my scrapbook contained nothing but glue and press cuttings about the Lotus 7. It was the car of my dreams and would always remain a dream because the price of ownership was five times my annual salary, and I expected that nobody would be prepared to give me a mortgage. Then my great aunt died.

Her name was Helen and was, according to the rest of the family, a total bitch. I rarely met her because my parents refused to visit. The feelings of hatred were obviously mutual because when Helen died she excluded her immediate family and left all her cash to the children of the families she hated so much. This was an excellent plan because I was one of the beneficiaries. Unfortunately I would not be allowed to benefit until I was twenty one; which gave me time to think about what to do with the money. “Save up for when you meet a nice girl and want to buy a house” was my mother’s advice. “Enjoy yourself while you are young” was my father’s offering; while both of them silently wished they had been nicer to aunt Helen. I never normally listened to my father; but as I was rather hoping to meet a girl who wasn’t nice, I decided to follow his direction. Which is why, two weeks after my twenty first birthday, a van from the Team Lotus factory emptied a Lotus 7 in component form onto the driveway.

The component form status was just a ruse to avoid purchase tax. To ensure no tax would be paid, Lotus were not allowed to provide construction instructions. So instead they provided a smartly bound manual containing details on how to disassemble the car. “Just read it from the back”, said the delivery driver with a wink; so I did and the Lotus was on the road after a weekend of relaxed building.

Expanding my demographic

Sat, 26 Mar 2011 00:00:00 +0000

Not content to just provide spurious titles for posts, I feel a need to offer content that interests more than the gadget-loving males who currently frequent these pages (and if you are not a gadget-loving male, what the hell are you doing here?).

I am afforded an opportunity by my attendance at the infamous Kai Yang polo trophy match. The trophy itself is a construct of rare beauty. A rubber chicken was acquired, a pole was stuck up its backside, and a local chrome shop was told to “chrome this”. And they did:

Happy birthday to this

Fri, 25 Mar 2011 00:00:00 +0000

You may not have noticed, but yesterday marked the third anniversary of this illustrious organ. 1,230 posts, 4,391 comments; and a massive rise in readership from two to slightly more than two. It’s been a heady rush of a ride (not really).

Should have marked it with an article of stunning insight and wit; but was too busy processing bloody photos of horses; and owners of said horses have just booked me for another event starting today; so there will be horse photo processing for a while; which is a shame because I have a potentially interesting new project which I want to get started on.

Naked Pattaya pussy action

Fri, 25 Mar 2011 00:00:00 +0000

She who must be obeyed was setting up a stool for an afternoon of photographing her sister. The cats, being cats, could not resist checking out the stool, and she who must be obeyed could not resist snapping them.

No Snow crash

Thu, 24 Mar 2011 00:00:00 +0000

A couple of days since my last post, mainly because I have been busy with ~~the latest Angry Birds Rio, up to seventh place in the world rankings for a while~~ one of my personal charity projects which I don’t like to talk about; I just like helping other people with no benefit to myself. But how the hell do you get three stars on that last puzzle?

Back to the real world and I boot my computer into my newly installed Windows 7 where it helpfully tells me that it cannot start Windows and will now try to repair. This is much better than the blue screen of death offered by Windows XP; but the end result looks like it could be similar (i.e. a new install) when I am told that it is unable to repair whatever is broken. Then it tells me that it will try and restore to an earlier version, and it manages that, although I am then left with several hours of work reinstalling all the updates, virus scans and Total War: Shogun which I had laboured over only the previous day.

The good, the bad, and the ugly

Thu, 24 Mar 2011 00:00:00 +0000

The good - The Promise, six hours of television in four parts. A story which switches between modern day Israel and Israel at the time of the second world war when the Brits were in charge. Based on historical events, it is a tale of British incompetence, Jewish aggression and Palestinian suicide bombers. Nobody wins, although you do end up with a better understanding of the events that underpin the current mess. The Israelis have condemned it, which is sufficient recommendation.

A day of processing

Tue, 22 Mar 2011 00:00:00 +0000

Stuff like this:

A return to the dark side

Sun, 20 Mar 2011 00:00:00 +0000

As graphically indicated earlier, I have acquired Total War: Shogun 2. This is probably not a good idea. If I take the time to get into the game, I will love it and there will several missing days and many late nights as a consequence. If I don’t take the time, then it will join others in the Total War series that have failed to inspire me and become yet another game I bought but never played (and there are several).

Final approach

Sun, 20 Mar 2011 00:00:00 +0000

The undercarriage doors open as an aircraft heads for a landing at U-Tapao airport (the polo was happening at the other end of the field and I was bored).

A bit of a mug

Sat, 19 Mar 2011 00:00:00 +0000

A recent inventory check revealed that I am now the partially proud owner of fourteen camera lenses; about twelve more than I need. Significantly responsible for the staggering rate of acquisition over the past year has been neighbour Nik. Barely a day passes without a call enquiring whether I have seen a Wibble Splunge 100mm F1.2 (or similar) on eBay. He tells me it looks like a bargain and too often I have believed him.

Still, I have stopped now, partly because I realise I have bought too many lenses, but mainly because the storage cabinet is full. But Nik continues to trawl eBay to acquire the optical equivalent of a beach road hooker. Once he’s got it home he wonders if it was really a good idea, especially as it is covered in fungus.

I like to think I am a calming influence and try and advise him that the latest target of his potential affections is too heavy, won’t fit on his camera, and is unlikely to be sent from Croatia if he pays for it. But he continues in his quest and yesterday it seemed like he was onto something.

Are you at your computer?

No.

There’s an amazing lens for sale.

Go on (using voice of weary trepidation).

It’s a brand new Canon 24-105 and the highest bid is six quid.

My God! (using voice of incredulity). They cost 40,000 baht in the shops!

I know, I know!! And the bid is just ending, hang on…. It’s mine! For six pounds!

Congratulations (using voice of “there must be a catch”).

So I have a Canon 24-105mm L USM lens coffee mug for six pounds; not sure what the “coffee mug” bit means though.

Nik, it means you have just bought a coffee mug in the shape of a lens (using voice of hysterical mocking laughter).

There is a long pause, the sort of pause where embarrassment oozes out of the phone instead of sound, and then a single “…oh….”.

Never mind, this morning he is back in high spirits and announces he has found an endoscope on eBay, “in case we want to take pictures inside of our nearest and dearest”. I suggest it could be a useful aid for picking up women, especially beach road hookers where careful inspection is advised. I think he has bought it.

Turned out nice again

Sat, 19 Mar 2011 00:00:00 +0000

Winter weather in Thailand is usually fantastic. Pleasantly cool, blue skies and no rain; from November through to March. Not this year. The cool, blue, dry spell disappeared weeks ago and it has been hot, humid and stormy. Until a couple of days ago when we woke up to cold winds (cold = pleasantly warm in European speak) and clear blue skies. A little warmer yesterday, but still very pleasant and it was real pleasure to stand in a field in the warm sunshine and do what I so often do at this time of year.

Little Italy

Thu, 17 Mar 2011 00:00:00 +0000

Most of the ten million or so people who live in Bangkok have little chance of escape from the smog and the traffic. Poor wages and a long working week means that any spare time is spent sleeping or attending to chores. But there is an emerging middle class, with time and money and a car, and they need somewhere to go to amuse themselves. Some of them come to Pattaya, clogging up the roads at the weekend; and no doubt other beach locations in reach of Bangkok are similarly inundated. But what if they fancy the countryside? Then Khao Yai and the surrounding area is the answer.

If you really want nature, there is the Khao Yai National Park, 2,000 square kilometres of forest, stuffed with wildlife just waiting to eat you, given half a chance. Of course, there is little chance of seeing any of this wildlife if all you do is drive through on the excellent road, windows closed, aircon on, and Justin fucking Bieber on the stereo because she who must be obeyed’s little sister has no musical taste.

You are taunted with the possibility of whizzing round a corner and colliding with a pachyderm the size of a house:

Some late nights ahead

Thu, 17 Mar 2011 00:00:00 +0000

Japan

Tue, 15 Mar 2011 00:00:00 +0000

The Tourist Authority of Thailand shows a staggering lack of sensitivity by expressing concern that the current situation may impact tourist numbers.

In other news, Thai members of parliament rejected an idea that they each contribute 3,000 baht as a token to the relief effort; because they (mostly millionaires) will need all their cash to fund (i.e. buy votes in) the next election.

Well, screw them. You probably don’t have the capability or the opportunity to go to Japan to help out, but you can contribute.

Axis of deception

Sun, 13 Mar 2011 00:00:00 +0000

Should you wish to come and live in this fair~~ly crap~~ city, then you certainly have plenty of choice for accommodation. The classifieds are stuffed with condos and (particularly) houses which have been on the market for ever, and nobody wants to buy (apart from, maybe, you). In addition, you can’t turn a corner without falling over a new condo development. Given the competition that exists, you would think that the developers would be doing their best not to be obviously lying about their offerings.

Take the Axis, a hole in the ground which promises to be a condo in 2013. We can excuse the usual marketing fluff. “The heavenly touch of living” is their slogan, which means about as much as any other slogan; i.e.bugger all. “Located on a unique location, surrounded by the beauty of nature, and the scenery of Pattaya City”; for which read “Located at the junction of two of the busiest roads in Pattaya, with a view of a government-ruined hill featuring metal walkways and brown buildings; one of which is a toilet”.

But maybe I bitch too much; all developers spout meaningless bollocks. Let’s try and be positive. The sales office over the road from the hole in the ground is spacious and staffed by charming ladies. There are mock-ups for each of the unit types which demonstrate a clever use of space. The pricing is ludicrous, but no more so than anywhere else. They even have a model of the development in the sales reception; it reflects the picture in the brochure:

Booked up

Fri, 11 Mar 2011 00:00:00 +0000

Once upon a time, in a land far away, I would read many books during the course of a month. Then life became busier and I would read a few books a year. Once I moved to Thailand and the daily commute meant twelve hour days and a frazzled mind; what was required in the evening was a bottle of red rather than a soothing novel. Still, in my final months of employment, I used to buy books thinking “I’ll read this once I have retired”. Once I retired, I did manage to work through most of them, although a few remain to be consumed; but my book reading never reached the levels I had envisaged.

When the iPad came along I had dreams of sitting on the balcony, enjoying a cool breeze, and devouring the latest best-seller. That didn’t work, because the iPad’s glorious screen turns to reflective mush in bright light. So I enjoy the occasional book on the iPad indoors, and purchase a “real book” on occasions.

Then The Son arrived with his Kindle. What sort of crappy gadget could an on-line bookstore produce? A surprisingly good and non-crappy gadget as it turned out. Still, difficult to obtain if living in Thailand, I am sure. Checked on Amazon. Where do you live Mr. Amazon asked me? I told him. No problem sunshine, was his upbeat response. Click here and your Kindle will be with you in four days. So I did and it was.

The base price is $139. Courier to Thailand is $20. Then you pay a $40 deposit for import duties; some of which I hope will be refunded. So what do you get for something less than $200?

Physically, not a lot. It’s small and light. Almost exactly the same weight as a paperback book; but much thinner.

Enough to buy an Amburger

Thu, 10 Mar 2011 00:00:00 +0000

It was last August that I decided to load some photos to a stock library. As I mentioned at the time, it was Ray who persuaded me to do this, and he has continued to ~~piss me off~~ impress me with stories of his massive monthly earnings.

Loading to stock libraries is a little like doing the lottery. You start with boundless enthusiasm, convinced that a large payday is just around a corner. After a month or so you realise your chances of winning (or selling) are remote and you lose interest.

Glass is a pain in the arse

Wed, 09 Mar 2011 00:00:00 +0000

“I want to try and photograph a glass properly.”

“Why?”

“What the hell else do I have to do while waiting to die?”

This was the essence of the conversation I had with my wife after I had spent several hours messing about with glasses and my camera. So far, the score was: Glasses 2 - Camera 0; assuming you were scoring based on breakages; but they were just some old, rather valuable, cut-glass sherry glasses that my granny used to own, so nothing to get too concerned about. My wife was more concerned about the hours of fiddling, what was the point?

It all started with a photo in a forum. Just a couple of glasses, but the capture was perfect. They were delicately outlined, there were no stray reflections, they looked fantastic. The poster referred to a book that had guided him to the result: Light:Science and Magic. A quick trip to the Amazon Kindle store and the book was on my iPad.

The book explains the science of light in the context of photography and it is a fine, if somewhat dense, read. After a couple of chapters of theory I skipped to the section on photographing glasses and was ready to begin. At the same time, neighbour Nik had also acquired the book, had skipped to the same section, and a joint exercise was undertaken.

I won’t bore you with the details (yeah, I know, it’s too late), but the concept is that your light source comes from behind the glass and goes through (or around, if you want a dark background) an opening that exactly matches what you see through your viewfinder. As a result, and based upon clever, scientific theory which I don’t recall because I either skipped it, forgot it, or didn’t understand it; the light passes cleanly through the glass to your camera sensor and gives you a crisp outline.

Great in theory, understood or not, but not so great in practice because in reality there is light bouncing off the glass from all manner of other light sources in a room. So our first effort looked like this:

The return of the model

Wed, 09 Mar 2011 00:00:00 +0000

She who must be obeyed’s little sister has returned, this time for an extended stay. Which means she is going to be photographed; a lot.

Formal sessions are yet to commence (it is too bloody hot to do much), but I did point my new Navitar 75mm at her this morning when she wasn’t looking. A bit soft due to F1.3 aperture, inept focusing, shaky hands and generally being a bit crap; but I still like the way it looks:

Blue pipe attack

Tue, 08 Mar 2011 00:00:00 +0000

My penchant for blue plastic piping will have been noticed by both my regular readers; and so when she who must be obeyed expressed a need for a home studio backdrop, I was sure there would be a role for blue piping.

What was required was a frame onto which we could hang assorted coloured backdrops. The backdrops would have to be capable of being rolled down for use, and rolled up again for storage, and we could buy a custom device for around 20,000 baht.

Instead we spent 790 baht on two shitty clothing hanger devices, the sort of thing you see in markets, thinly chromed and tragically constructed. Excellent, and all we needed then was a 2.20 metre length of pipe around which we could wrap a backdrop. Which was why I found myself at the Contractor Store area of HomeWorks this morning. Unlike the main store, which is staffed with thousands of blue coated staff who are eager to please but know nothing, the Contractor Store featured a surly guard who would not let me reverse into the loading bay until I had bought something to load, and a couple of surly attendants who clearly hoped I didn’t want anything.

Tough luck lads, I’m here for blue pipe and nothing can stop me! What’s that, I can only buy a 4 metre length? That’s almost twice as much as I need and about twice as long as the storage bay in the back of my truck. What the hell, I’ll take two and let’s see if I can get them home.

Cash changed hands and the surly boys took my pipes, stuck one end in the back of my truck and then leaned them against the cab, so the whole stuck up in the air at 45 degrees and to an alarming height. I offered rope but was shunned as a thin plastic tie was employed; sufficient to get me out of sight but maybe not all the way home. Anyway, first I had to go to the main store, so I drove to the car park and reversed under the awning, going slowly as I was mindful of the pipe; but there were no ominous noises.

Back from a brief shopping trip with blue-coloured horde and off home. Moved about half a metre and there was a terrible ripping noise. Oh dear. The pipe had gracefully slid under the tarpaulin awning on the way in, and gracefully torn a large hole in it on the way out. Thankfully, my blue plastic pipe was undamaged. Not far away a gang of car washers had stopped work and were watching to see what I would do next. The only decent thing to do would be to present myself to the manager of HomeWorks and offer to pay for the repair of his awning. The only sensible thing to do would be to drive away quickly.

Ten minutes later I was safely home.

Thirty minutes later we had a backdrop.

Anyone seen some guns?

Sat, 05 Mar 2011 00:00:00 +0000

In my previous life we ran seismic operations in Thailand (when I say “we”, I mean people who actually understood these things), which required the use of explosives. The explosives store was managed by the army and was extremely tightly controlled. Attempts to remove the explosive for nefarious purposes would have been impossible. It would be reasonable to assume that similar controls are in place over weaponry.

So, we should be alarmed and surprised at the news that “130 M16 assault rifles, motars, 11-mm pistols and Minimi rifles” have taken flight from an army base. But of course, we are not. There was a similar incident at another base last year and there will be more in the future.

Ol' red eyes is back

Sat, 05 Mar 2011 00:00:00 +0000

While you lot have been having a lovely week doing whatever is you do; I have been having a not so lovely week doing what I do sometimes, processing thousands of photos. I enjoy the act of taking photos, and enjoy looking through them and hopefully finding the occasional good shot; but I don’t enjoy eight hours a day of processing for several days in succession. Finished the polo shots yesterday, and then it was on to shots of a party, less than a thousand, should not take long.

Just hanging on

Thu, 03 Mar 2011 00:00:00 +0000

Too many pixels

Thu, 03 Mar 2011 00:00:00 +0000

Look into the window of any camera shop and the labels on the cameras will scream out the number of megapixels on offer. 16 megapixels!!! Must be better than 12 megapixels!!

It’s mainly bollocks. Stuffing more pixels onto a usually tiny sensor doesn’t help, it just makes the resulting photos look more shit than they would have done with less pixels.

The camera I use for sports has a comparatively large sensor onto which have been placed a total of ten megapixels. My god, that’s less than the 14MP Pentax Optio Crappathon announced yesterday. But guess which take the best pictures….

The below was taken with my antiquated 10MP machine last weekend. I had to crop it so it is actually a 6MP image. Now click on it to see the full size image, (straight out of the camera, apart from the cropping).

I have an idea what it is, but I probably won't want it.

Wed, 02 Mar 2011 00:00:00 +0000

A little more than a year ago I wrote a post entitled: I have no idea what it is, but I will probably want it. The subject was the yet-to-be-announced iPad and, as I expected, I did want it, I did get it, and it has been a constant companion ever since.

In spite of the doom and gloom merchants (Hi Lloyd!), it has not broken down, I have not become bored with it; and I can’t imagine a civilised life without a tablet close to hand.

Night at Day

Wed, 02 Mar 2011 00:00:00 +0000

I am aware that the new header image for Pattaya Days has received a mixed reception. It seemed like a good idea to replace text with an actual photo, but unfortunately some people failed to spot that it was a photo and concluded it was the work of a drug-addled idiot with too many fonts and a poor selection in colours.

The other problem is that the site is Pattaya Days, but the sign is photographed at Pattaya night; not acceptable. So yesterday I went to photograph it in late afternoon. Sadly, the sun never shines on the sign, so the result was rather drab.

Running out of space

Wed, 02 Mar 2011 00:00:00 +0000

I really have to stay away from eBay…..

The latest indiscretion arrived this afternoon, a Navitar 75mm F1.3. Apparently good for portraits; but most of the appeal (to me) is how cool an enormous chunk of glass looks, hanging off the front of my camera. How could I resist for $125? I couldn’t.

“And what’s the camera resting on?” I hear you not asking. That would be a Yashica 55mm macro that arrived yesterday. I’m sick I tell you.

Come fly with me

Tue, 01 Mar 2011 00:00:00 +0000

The visit of The Son over the past month has brought me up close and personal with Suvarnabhumi airport; and what a joy that has been.

We drove up to the airport to collect him, arriving round about the time he should have been walking out of customs. Aeons later he arrived, having spent two hours queuing in passport control. Two bloody hours! I understand this is not uncommon. Apparently you can pay 1,200 baht to a little man, who just happens to work for the slightly larger man who organises how many officials will be manning the immigration desks, and that will give you access to the fast track lane. The less charitable amongst us might conclude that the lines are kept long to encourage people to pay up for the fast track.

More cake

Mon, 28 Feb 2011 00:00:00 +0000

Next stop on our search for a decent cake shop was La Baguette, close to the dolphin roundabout in Naklua.

The decor is the opposite of the gloomy Nice Delice. Light, bright, white, with plenty of comfy chairs. The staff are friendly and the cake selection is extensive. But after a breakfast of almond croissants on a busy Sunday morning we decided to leave the cakes for another day.

And that other day was this morning and I can confirm that the cakes are damn fine. The only dampener on an otherwise excellent outing was the appearance of yet another cockroach; albeit a tiny one.

Never mind, La Baguette ticks all the boxes and we will be back.

Sat, 26 Feb 2011 00:00:00 +0000

[si-contact-form form=‘1’]

Contact

Sat, 26 Feb 2011 00:00:00 +0000

[si-contact-form form=‘1’]

We have contact

Sat, 26 Feb 2011 00:00:00 +0000

Contact form now re-installed and moved to the right of the menu bar by my whizzo son.

Genuinej reports problems with making a comment; if you are experiencing same please let me know via the contact form. Details of problem and operating system would be useful.

Let's hear it for the lay-dees

Fri, 25 Feb 2011 00:00:00 +0000

The ladies polo tournament is an annual event and the name is a little misleading because not all the players are ladies. Each team can include one male player, almost always an Argentinian. In previous years this resulted in some spectacularly bad ladyboy impressions:

Make your mind up

Fri, 25 Feb 2011 00:00:00 +0000

More hotel lights

Fri, 25 Feb 2011 00:00:00 +0000

Thu, 24 Feb 2011 00:00:00 +0000

General ramblings

Thu, 24 Feb 2011 00:00:00 +0000

The Pattaya Days Starter Guide to Photography

Many people buy a capable camera; and then stick it in automatic mode and just go shooting. Some of their images will be OK; but their photography could be so much better, and a load more fun, if they just learned some of the basic rules about how a camera works.

So I have produced a guide for those who want to learn the basics. What’s the difference between shutter and aperture? What’s ISO and why should you care? What are the best settings to capture a building or a bouncy child? All this, and very little else, is contained in the guide.

Et Voilà!

Thu, 24 Feb 2011 00:00:00 +0000

After three years, Pattaya Days is overdue for a visual update. It’s also overdue for a content update; but you are stuck with me so that is not going to happen.

But here is the visual bit. Found a template which almost did the job; then handed it over to The Son who worked his coding magic. And after several minutes of hard labour; here it is.

Photos have more space, and if you want to avoid all the photo tech talk, just click on the “Life” menu. If you do want the photo tech, then there are options for that too; although I have not yet gone back through all the zillion posts to re-classify them.

Not so Nice Delice

Thu, 24 Feb 2011 00:00:00 +0000

We made two visits to the excellent Love At First Bite cake shop in Chiang Mai; and whilst throwing down vast quantities of cholesterol, we pondered whether Pattaya offered anything similar. Only one way to find out…

Our first visit was to Nice Delice next to Friendship supermarket. It’s owned by a Frenchman so I have no idea how you are supposed to pronounce the name. Thought I might find out when we walked in and maybe someone would call out “welcome to Nice Delice!” in a cheerful voice; but that didn’t happen. In fact the staff just stared at us. No smile, no greeting; and not once during our visit did their grumpy demeanour change. Maybe it’s a French thing, but it is certainly not the normal service you receive in Thailand.

Absent friends

Tue, 22 Feb 2011 00:00:00 +0000

We stayed in the Pak Hotel in Chiang Mai; a really friendly family-run hotel with great breakfasts (best Cinnamon rolls in the known universe). There was a corner with photos of previous guests; at night I thought it looked rather sinister, lit by a single weak light.

Bhubing Palace

Tue, 22 Feb 2011 00:00:00 +0000

Just up the road from Doi Suthep in Chiang Mai is the King’s winter palace. The buildings are not open the public, but there are acres (or rai if you prefer) of most beautiful flower gardens I have encountered in Thailand. Well worth a visit; but you have to phone first to make sure they are open.

Pray

Tue, 22 Feb 2011 00:00:00 +0000

Let them eat cake

Mon, 21 Feb 2011 00:00:00 +0000

The shop is called Love At First Bite and it serves what must be the best cakes in Chiang Mai, maybe in the world.

I had lemon meringue pie. Would have returned today for another slice but they are closed on Mondays. Will be making a detour on the way to the airport tomorrow.

Another reason to live here.

Painting beauty

Mon, 21 Feb 2011 00:00:00 +0000

Cat and kerb chaos

Sat, 19 Feb 2011 00:00:00 +0000

Not the best of days.

Walked down the corridor to give the cats their breakfast, only to find that one of them had already eaten and vomited it back onto where I had just stood. Cleaned feet, cleaned floor, cursed cat and prepared to leave for the airport, at which point the non-vomiting cat decided to hide.

Ten minutes of further cursing and searching cupboards and the beast was found. Just hope they miss us.

Off to the airport, and off to Chiang Mai. To the Budget car rental booth, only to find that the booth had gone. Twenty minutes of searching before their rep showed up and handed us a shiny new Civic with full insurance. Resolved to wreck it.

Partially succeeded in the small sois in the old town; reversed over a kerb and ripped off a plastic mud flap. Three mud flaps and a couple of wing mirrors and we will call it even for the inconvenience.

Still, now hooked up with The Son and his girlfriend for a couple of days of tourism. So far we have just walked about and eaten. I love this place, ChiangMaiDays.com one day.

Full spectrum wanker

Fri, 18 Feb 2011 00:00:00 +0000

Another week, another pointless pronouncement from a public servant idiot from the Ministry of Never Does Anything. Apparently there is to be a law to enforce the wearing of seat-belts by passengers in vans. This is no doubt in response to the public outcry over the sixteen year old girl who punted a van full of university students over a barricade. Everyone in government will smile, clap each other on the back for a job well done; and go back to emptying the coffers.

A short interruption

Thu, 17 Feb 2011 00:00:00 +0000

The eagle-eyed amongst you may have spotted a post this afternoon warning of a possible break in service as I attempted an upgrade to the latest version of Wordpress.

As predicted, a few minutes later, the entire site crashed, much to my consternation as I all I had done was change a password. I had forgotten that my SQL password is hard-coded into my blog files and it was several sweaty minutes before order was restored.

Time for an upgrade

Wed, 16 Feb 2011 00:00:00 +0000

Took a photo of my camera with my new lens attached:

Wall art

Wed, 16 Feb 2011 00:00:00 +0000

A right royal rip-off

Tue, 15 Feb 2011 00:00:00 +0000

You give someone a number and your name and address. They transfer that onto a standard letter and print it out. How much would you pay for that?

I reckon two hundred baht would be more than generous. Three hundred baht would be robbery, and three hundred and seventy five baht would be obscene.

So how to classify the 2,375 baht that the British government (all curses be upon them) charges for this service. “Fucking typical” would probably do it.

Fighting for possession

Tue, 15 Feb 2011 00:00:00 +0000

Happy birthday; have a zoo

Mon, 14 Feb 2011 00:00:00 +0000

What do you get a girl who has everything? Well, if you are the owner of a polo club, you build your daughter her very own petting zoo for her birthday.

Not sure how they coloured the chicks; but it did allow the identification of the yellow chick as being zoo leader. The chicks liked to sleep with the rabbit. The ducks chased the rabbit. The yellow chick took revenge by making the life of the ducks a living hell. Would make a good movie, with Robert Downey junior as the evil duck.

No sex please, we're Thai

Mon, 14 Feb 2011 00:00:00 +0000

It’s Valentine’s day (apparently; I didn’t realise until my wife wished me a good one and I confessed to no card or present or any of that other unnecessary shit. I am so romantic, it scares me). To mark the occasion, the authorities have removed condom machines from Bangkok schools after complaints from parents.

The parents were concerned that the condom machines would encourage the children to have sex. Removing the condom machines will not reduce the desire for teenagers to copulate, it will just mean more sexually transmitted diseases, unwanted pregnancies and and abortions. Nice one, dickhead parents.

Ships that pass in the day

Sun, 13 Feb 2011 00:00:00 +0000

One of the benefits of living next the sea is that there is often something of interest passing by; such as these racing boats.

High speed precision

Sat, 12 Feb 2011 00:00:00 +0000

Crazy woman

Fri, 11 Feb 2011 00:00:00 +0000

Off to the Saha farms architectural monstrosity to give The Son something else to photograph whilst being simultaneously appalled.

Whistle while you work

Fri, 11 Feb 2011 00:00:00 +0000

“Do you want to photograph a lizard?” enquired my wife. “Is the pope Jewish?” was my unambiguous reply.

Sadly, my wife has no idea of the spiritual basis upon which the pope operates and took me to a lizardy thing perched on some flowers. “Now I have to whistle” she said, and she did. I stood and listened; she was not very tuneful.

“Quick, take you photo while I whistle; it won’t move while I whistle”. So I did, then the son wanted a go and I had to whistle because she who must be obeyed’s lips were tired. Photos over, we all stopped whistling; but the lizard made no attempt to bugger off.

She who must be obeyed explained that when she was young she would capture lizards by whistling and then picking them up. Very tasty after frying apparently.

Not sure this shot was worth all the whistling.

Oh no, not again?

Thu, 10 Feb 2011 00:00:00 +0000

Yes, sorry.

A table at The View

Tue, 08 Feb 2011 00:00:00 +0000

After a hot and sweaty afternoon at a beach near Rayong; we head to The View for dinner. As evening approaches I look forward to some sunset shots.

Total rip-off

Mon, 07 Feb 2011 00:00:00 +0000

With The Son wishing to wield his camera, we take a trip to Nong Nuch Tropical Garden. As a resident of Thailand, I can flash my driving licence and pay the same as a Thai: 100 baht. But everyone else has to pay more. This dual pricing policy is employed in many places and is considered as reasonable through to downright racist, depending on your point of view. My view is that attractions can set a price that tourists consider reasonable; but that Thais consider extortionate; hence double pricing to maximise the numbers and the profit. It’s not racism, it’s just business.

Nong Nuch used to charge 300 baht to tourists; triple the Thai/resident price; but not too bad given the size of the gardens. But when we arrived this morning the price had been increased to a wallet-lightening 500 baht; which is a total rip-off. The solution to this is easy, I will never take guests to Nong Nuch again. But The Son paid up and we wandered around for about three hours before the midday heat sent us home. There was a new flower I had never seen before in a number of places, and it seemed to be pretty much all I photographed. A shame that I have no idea what it is called.

Failed again

Sun, 06 Feb 2011 00:00:00 +0000

Off to Nanotrax for my weekly dose of radio controlled racing action. Extra pressure this week because our visitors come to watch; and it’s always important to show your son what a race ace you are.

Things go surprisingly well when I qualify 3rd out of six; much better than usual for me. And, in spite of my propensity for stuffing the car into the barrier, I manage to get through the first twenty minutes of the thirty minute race in third position, albeit hotly pursued and occasionally overtaken by young Australian who is much easier to beat when he is pissed; which he wasn’t this evening.

You looking at me?

Sun, 06 Feb 2011 00:00:00 +0000

An avalanche of chocolate

Fri, 04 Feb 2011 00:00:00 +0000

Off to the airport to collect The Son and his girlfriend. Worried unnecessarily about being late; only for the excellent immigration service at the airport to impose a one hour delay courtesy of massive queues.

Home eventually and it was time to compare lens collections, and receive an offering of chocolate; sufficient to keep me in calories until genuinej passes this way again:

Mirror, mirror on the wall; what's this Grand Theft Auto?

Thu, 03 Feb 2011 00:00:00 +0000

The Son sent me a couple of very fine Grand Theft Auto IV posters and my plan was to have them framed and stick them up on the wall. This was not she who must be obeyed’s plan.

“We’ll buy a mirror, scratch off some of the backing, and then stick the poster behind it”, was her proposal; and she was not to be swayed. So off to a local glass shop where we acquired a large sheet of mirrored glass. The plan was to remove the backing with sandpaper, and it soon became clear that this was going to be a disgusting job that would take hours by hand. So I made a suggestion:

How about I use an electric sander?

No! No! It has to be done by hand or else it won’t look “edgy” enough.

OK….

Forty five dusty minutes later:

Well, maybe we could use the electric sander.

So I did, and we soon had a ripped out section through which you could see most of the poster. Then off to the glass shop to have it trimmed and then to a nearby frame shop to have it mounted in a frame.

Impossible to photograph so it doesn’t look that good here:

A keyboard with sole

Tue, 01 Feb 2011 00:00:00 +0000

Voigtlander 25mm 0.95 review

Sun, 30 Jan 2011 00:00:00 +0000

Quenching my deZire

Sat, 29 Jan 2011 00:00:00 +0000

If new property projects are any indication of a vibrant economy, Pattaya is booming. You can’t go more than 50 metres in any direction without being confronted with a poster for some dubious concrete monstrosity which will change your life and make you a better person. Allegedly.

The latest development comes from Raimon Land, famous for building Northshore and Northpoint, and for not building The Lofts; a project they seem to have wiped off their corporate map. Now we have The Zire, a new tower to be built right next door to an existing tower. Just for fun, I decided to sign up for information about the project; big mistake.

After an avalanche of e-mails, advising me of upcoming launches in both Pattaya and Bangkok, I receive a call from a breathlessly-excited salesperson who wants to know whether I will be coming to the Bangkok or Pattaya launch. I think “none of your business” and tell her Pattaya. She almost orgasms with excitement at this news. And which of the three days of the launch will I be coming, and will I come in the morning, afternoon or evening? I think “WTF” and tell her I don’t know. She fails to orgasm and rings off.

More e-mails follow, and then last week yet another call. Did I come to the Bangkok launch, or will I be going to the Pattaya launch? Clearly these idiots do not write down any information as the result of their cold calls. Through gritted teeth I tell her Pattaya and hope she will now leave me alone. She doesn’t. And which of the three days of the launch will I be coming, and will I come in the morning, afternoon or evening?

It’s like telling a shop you are going to come and look at their televisions, and the shop wanting you to make an appointment. It’s a display of a housing project in a mall, not a limited seating seminar with a set starting time and tea and cakes afterwards. It’s completely stupid and they don’t deserve to sell The Zire.

Still, maybe I was wrong and the development is so popular that you have to make an appointment to have a chance at seeing a salesperson. Well, not on Friday afternoon at 1530 you wouldn’t.

Long dark tea-time of the arse

Fri, 28 Jan 2011 00:00:00 +0000

To Bangkok for the biannual meeting with my endocrinologist. At least, that is what I think he is, I just call him doctor; and for the last eight years or so we have been meeting every six months to discuss my thyroid.

After seeing several failures posing as medical men, it was this doctor who looked into my swollen eyes and said “Grave’s Disease”, from which followed three years of unpleasantness and operations. The eye disaster has long since been fixed, but the over-active thyroid gland which kicked the whole thing off has continued to rage; held in check by a small white pill taken daily. And every six month they test my blood, pronounce my thyroid still raging, and more white pills are prescribed.

C-C-Crap

Tue, 25 Jan 2011 00:00:00 +0000

Fresh from the yawn-fest that was Black Swan; how about an uplifting tale of overcoming disability, how about The King’s Speech?

So there’s this bloke and he has a bit of stammer. And he finds another bloke to help him; and for two hours they embark on a number of increasingly bizarre remedial exercises. At the end of it all the stammering bloke makes a nice little speech without stammering and everyone claps. The end.

Dancing with the deluded

Tue, 25 Jan 2011 00:00:00 +0000

OK, let’s get the positives out of the way. Natalie Portman gives an Oscar-worthy acting performance, and the level of commitment she must have shown to master the physicality of ballet deserves respect. That’s the only positive thing I can find to say about Black Swan.

Portman plays Nina, a dancer in a ballet company about to start a production of Swan Lake. She is selected for the leading role which will require her to dance both the white and black swan roles. Conveniently for the story, Nina is already a bit of a schizophrenic, so dancing both characters should be a breeze. But with the added pressure from her mother, and a perceived rival in the form of Lily (Mila Kunis); Nina slowly descends into madness; which is just what she needs if she is to become the Black Swan. Allegedly.

That sinking feeling

Tue, 25 Jan 2011 00:00:00 +0000

Urgent missive from Camberley this week, enquiring whether or not we had sunk beneath the waves. Apparently this week’s New Scientist features an article claiming that the Gulf of Thailand is rising by 4mm every year; much more than the average for the area.

Camberley could impart this information because he reads the New Scientist, and I don’t mean he just looks at the pictures. He actually understands it. He certainly could, and maybe has, contributed to the journal. For all I know he may be the managing editor; he just has that sort of brain. And I am not just saying this because there is a real chance he might complete all the Trainyard levels before me.

An excellent diet plan

Mon, 24 Jan 2011 00:00:00 +0000

What a month. Frantic decorating, followed swiftly by frantic shitting; and now we are in the totally sealed arse phase, after ingesting a pharmacy’s worth of Imodium. Life can be bliss sometimes; but not right now.

On the plus side, I lost three kilograms in four days which must be some sort of achievement. Never knew poo weighed so much.

Still not feeling up to doing anything taxing, such as writing; which is a shame because I have watched a couple of truly awful movies which I need to warn you about. The only thing that got me out of my chair today was a flower that neighbour Nik had nicked from a nearby garden. Rather splendid and it demanded to be photographed, so I did:

What a load of shit

Sat, 22 Jan 2011 00:00:00 +0000

Warning: Extensive references to faeces.

As befits a man of my vintage, I have a few bodily complaints. My back hurts, my eyes are not as good as they could be and the hair does not have the coverage it once had. But throughout the various medical pitfalls that have punctuated my life; my digestive system has continued to operate with commendable efficiency. You can throw anything at it; and while other may be vomiting in a corner, Spike’s digestive tract just gets on doing what it was designed to do.

Extra Habitas

Wed, 19 Jan 2011 00:00:00 +0000

Not really into processing photos; but played around in Topaz Adjust and liked this. Quite a labour of love, it took me all of ~~five hours~~ ~~twenty~~ ~~ten~~ three minutes:

Sharing the horror

Wed, 19 Jan 2011 00:00:00 +0000

There is something in the human condition that, when we discover something truly unpleasant, drives us to share the information. Perhaps we feel that the act of sharing will dilute our disgust, perhaps we want to discuss it and try in some way to rationalise it; or maybe we are just typical Daily Mail readers and want to go “tut tut” at some abomination before waddling off for a cup of tea and forgetting about it.

Shooting the Habitas

Tue, 18 Jan 2011 00:00:00 +0000

She who must be obeyed has a notebook in which she enters details of things she wants to photograph. Some time ago we were wandering around Nong Nuch gardens and she announced:

I want to photograph a Habitas.

You mean a house, a habitat?

No, a Habitas.

I have no idea what you are talking about.

A Habitas!! Look, I have a picture of one in my notebook. {She shows me a photo of a Hibiscus}.

Ah, you mean a Hibiscus.

Yes, exactly, a Habitas.

And from that day forward, a Habitas is what we have called it; it’s just easier.

We have a couple of Habistases (Habitus? Habiti?) on our balcony; so I thought I would celebrate my first free day for a while by taking some photos, and looking at a Habitas through a variety of lenses.

I decided to shoot in order of lens cost; so first of all we have the rather expensive Voightlander 25mm:

That was the week that was

Tue, 18 Jan 2011 00:00:00 +0000

It was such an innocent sentence, inserted in a post just over a week ago:

“I will be free to enjoy some wind (hopefully) and decorate a bedroom (regretfully).”

Well, you can forget about enjoying the wind and amplify the ‘regretfully’; what a shit way to spend a week.

The scenario seemed simple enough. On my left we have a smartly decorated little room, awash with computers and sporting a three metre long piece of solid teak masquerading as computer table. Regular readers will recall the saga of installing the beast. On my right we have a large bedroom with a large wooden bed and the beginnings of a photography studio (3 lights and a table). She who must be obeyed, who is getting seriously into this photography lark, has grand plans for backdrops and sidedrops and all manner of props sufficient to shoot crowd scenes for a major movie. But these grand plans do not really fit in with the concept of a guest bedroom.

So…..

Convert computer room into bedroom, convert guest bedroom into computer room and photo studio, you have one week. Go!

Stage 1 was simple enough, if long-winded and boring. Remove all items of furniture from bedroom and paint walls. This involved the usual mind-numbing preparation where flaky bits of wall were sanded down to reveal collapsing bits of wall and massive volumes of plaster infill would then follow. I then carefully masked off the edges to ensure the paint only landed where it should. This turned out to be a waste of time because she who must be obeyed decided to help with the painting.

My approach to painting a wall is to carefully go round the edges with a brush, just overlapping onto the masking tape; and then use a roller for the rest. I climb a ladder for the high bits and sit on the ground for the low bits. None of that nonsense for my wife. She appeared with an old broom, and stuffed the broom handle end into the roller to produce a long and dangerous instrument of destruction. Using her extended device she could layer on paint from floor to ceiling (and on the floor and the ceiling). What she gained in reach, she lost in precision; and her shock and awe approach to decorating left a lasting impression on places that were not expecting paint, including one of the cats. To her credit, she did then spend a couple of hours with various liquids removing the stray paint, although the cat remains slightly spattered.

An excess of expenditure

Tue, 11 Jan 2011 00:00:00 +0000

Off to Chonburi to collect she who must be obeyed’s iMac. On the way we drop off my truck for a 30,000 kilometre service; so I am expecting some expense.

Thanks to Antz, the iMac had been fixed via a little man who knows how to fix Macs, rather than via the Apple service centre in Bangkok. Not only was the Mac in working order, but the shop owner offered a very good price to purchase the machine. We declined, partly because the computer contains a number of photos that a certain person failed to back up; but also because it will serve as a web access machine when The Son comes to visit.

Too much to do

Mon, 10 Jan 2011 00:00:00 +0000

Been busy; the extent of which I can best illustrate by reporting that I have pressed the shutter button on my camera more than 4,000 times since last Tuesday, loaded all the resulting images on my computer and processed all but 500 of the photos. Thank god for a fast computer, Lightroom and two monitors. Less thanks go to the cat that expressed a regular desire to sleep on the keyboard.

Angel

Sat, 08 Jan 2011 00:00:00 +0000

Bullshit overload

Thu, 06 Jan 2011 00:00:00 +0000

It’s always good to start the new year by reading complete nonsense in the local press. I found this latest offering in The Pattaya Times; but other publications have picked it up and published it verbatim without resorting to the ridicule it deserves.

The heading of the article is “Pattaya Master Plan Excites Investors”. Given that we are currently in a depressed market with a substantial oversupply of property, this can only be a clue that massive bullshit is about to descend.

Peacock

Mon, 03 Jan 2011 00:00:00 +0000

A year in review and a gratuitous shot

Sun, 02 Jan 2011 00:00:00 +0000

Pattaya Days 2010:

360 posts, 74,688 page views and 1679 comments.

Thank you for visiting, and extra special thanks to those of you who took the time to comment (apart from Lloyd).

As a gesture towards those who commented, I thought I should carry out an exhaustive and structured analysis of those comments. From this I have discovered a recurring request: “For god’s sake, no more horse photos”.

Here you are!:

Depends who you hit

Wed, 29 Dec 2010 00:00:00 +0000

Road accidents with multiple fatalities are a sad fact of life in Thailand.

In May, a pickup full of migrant Burmese workers crashed and killed 13 of the workers; the driver was trying to evade the police. In November, a van drove off an elevated expressway and nine occupants were killed. The driver’s attention had been diverted. Last week, five people died and fifty were injured in a fifteen vehicle pile-up. The list is long, and nobody really gives a shit; apart from those affected by the incidents. We see the news, express regret, and move on. The authorities promise to take action in respect of whatever they decided contributed to the accident, do nothing, and get back to lining their pockets. It’s the way of the world.

In your face (warning - contents contains horse)

Wed, 29 Dec 2010 00:00:00 +0000

Turned out better than expected

Tue, 28 Dec 2010 00:00:00 +0000

Started the day with a joyous trip to immigration for my 90 day report. The place was heaving, with more than a few ignoring the simple rule that you should dress decently when meeting government officials. Last week’s tank top, with matching smells, and a pair of tatty shorts, was the offering from one gentleman. Fortunately, I raised the tone with a bow-tie and silver cane.

Twenty minutes felt like hours, but back home in time to leave for a meeting to discuss a book which is apparently to be adorned with my photos. Just leaving the condo car park and receive a call to tell me the meeting is postponed; shortly followed by another call deferring a photoshoot tentatively planned for this afternoon. This is all good news because it is windy.

Most windsurfers have a few sails at the their disposal, and the smallest sail has always been bought at a moment of optimism; perhaps brought on by a few beers. This little handkerchief of a sail will only work when the wind is really howling, like it very rarely does in the Gulf of Thailand.

But today it was really windy and I was able to brush off a rather dusty and scruffy little sail which I had last used in 2009. I had planned to take some photos, but the session was cut short due to the need to go sailing, and other distractions.

Focused on the arse-crack

Mon, 27 Dec 2010 00:00:00 +0000

When I am out and about with my camera I tend to avoid contact with other photographers. My naturally grumpy appearance tends to discourage advances from others, and why would I want to initiate a conversation with someone when all we apparently have in common is a camera (the obvious answer would include the word ‘breasts’, but she who must be obeyed would not approve).

But if someone is going to try and talk to me, there could not be a worse time than when I am trying to focus my camera on an arse-crack.

We were at Mini Siam, an outing that requires an explanation. I visited the place a couple of years ago, and my conclusion was that it was crap.

So why go back? It’s my wife’s fault (it usually is, even when it isn’t). You may recall her new craze for photographing dolls in a variety of locations. Well, she disappeared one evening and came back after many hours at Mini Siam. This is one of her shots:

Times for a Sunday

Sun, 26 Dec 2010 00:00:00 +0000

In my younger days, when the world existed in black and white (or so my wife believes), my weekly rituals included the purchase of The Sunday Times. It was not so much the journalistic content, it was more to do with the sheer size of the thing. Never mind the quality, look at all these supplements.

Sunday morning was not complete without a trip to the newsagents to pick up a copy, which would then be scattered over the sofa for the rest of the day and consumed piecemeal over the following week.

Then we moved from North East England to Scotland, and I was aghast to discover that the ST did not make the journey north until mid-afternoon. So much for Sunday morning coffee and the ST magazine. I should have checked before accepting the move.

Then a transfer to The Hague where I imagined my ST days would be over, and I would be reduced to looking at the pictures in De Telegraaf. But no. A pleasant cycle down to the main railway station on a Sunday morning would find the paper waiting for me at the bookstore. Civilised Sundays were restored, surrounded by more print than I could read, with inky fingers and a feeling of contentment.

But then I came to Asia, and although Kuala Lumpur and other locations offered the ST, it could not be found on a Sunday, was only a re-print of some of the content, and it cost a fortune. My Sunday Times Sundays were over.

Until today.

Now I have this on my iPad:

Have yourself an out of focus Christmas

Sat, 25 Dec 2010 00:00:00 +0000

Cocktail car

Fri, 24 Dec 2010 00:00:00 +0000

Street pussy

Fri, 24 Dec 2010 00:00:00 +0000

Found a final flake

Thu, 23 Dec 2010 00:00:00 +0000

Fresh from the previous post, I was rummaging around the fetid train wreck that is the interior of our fridge and, joy of joys, I discovered a remaining Flake behind what used to be salami but which has over time evolved into a new species.

Of course I had to eat it (the Flake, not the ex-salami, I don’t want to die), but not before capturing it for posterity.

I just can't shake this bloody cold....

Thu, 23 Dec 2010 00:00:00 +0000

Alpha male

Tue, 21 Dec 2010 00:00:00 +0000

If I had to rank myself with others of my sex, then I would describe myself as a lambda male; firmly positioned in the lower portions of the Greek alphabet along with all the other wimps. I therefore find it somewhat humbling to find myself in the presence of an alpha male; but such was my encounter recently.

I waited to meet him in the lobby of his hotel. He was late, out on some mission to secure peace in Korea probably (or maybe just in his room having a shit). But when he walked, nay strode, into the foyer; the impact was electric. Men wanted to be him, women just wanted him. In profile, there was a hint of Clint Eastwood, although that was not a gun that bulged every so subtly from his trousers. As the light caught his face we saw a glimpse of the carefully trimmed stubble, the steely eyes and the teasing smile. Here was man who knew his position in the food chain, and it was somewhere near the top.

Late afternoon at Silverlake

Tue, 21 Dec 2010 00:00:00 +0000

Uses for an iPad

Tue, 21 Dec 2010 00:00:00 +0000

Number 53, cat cushion

Girls on tracks

Mon, 20 Dec 2010 00:00:00 +0000

Back in October, she who must be obeyed’s young sister was dragged to various locations to be photographed. One of those locations was a railway track:

Five candles

Sun, 19 Dec 2010 00:00:00 +0000

Must try harder

Sun, 19 Dec 2010 00:00:00 +0000

My browser has a drop down list of the latest headlines from the BBC. Useful for watching out for the latest in world events such as “Russia warns over Korean tensions” and “UN chief rejects Ivorian pullout” and “motorist hurt as car leaves road”. WTF?

Yes, the BBC considers it breaking world news if a car leaves the road in Glenrothes:

This festive nonsense has to stop

Sun, 19 Dec 2010 00:00:00 +0000

Volk Street Bar

Sun, 19 Dec 2010 00:00:00 +0000

Bah! Humbug! Oh, go on then...

Sat, 18 Dec 2010 00:00:00 +0000

Up close

Sat, 18 Dec 2010 00:00:00 +0000

And god said, let there be (low) light

Fri, 17 Dec 2010 00:00:00 +0000

Following a stinging rebuke from Billy regarding my entirely reasonable recent focus (sic) on camera equipment, I made a vow to myself that I would not discuss same in this publication until 2011. And I won’t.

So there is no narrative to support this photograph of part of something I acquired today.

Almost a mouthful

Thu, 16 Dec 2010 00:00:00 +0000

Yours for $2000

Thu, 16 Dec 2010 00:00:00 +0000

A visit to Billy’s site reveals he has put his blog into a valuation program which rather gloatingly came back and told him his website was worth $52.95 (and I have inflated the valuation somewhat because I don’t wish to embarrass him).

Part of his problem is that he continues to make his site password protected. This was necessary when he was employed and slagging off his employer on a regular basis; but now he has retired they can hardly stop his pension if he is rude to them (although I suppose they could have him shot). The other part of his problem is that he spends far too much time wittering on about golf, rather than covering interesting subjects like, say, camera equipment.

Ladies only

Wed, 15 Dec 2010 00:00:00 +0000

The Central parking mall has come up with an idea to encourage something, mainly sexism I think. The third floor has been nominated as parking for ladies only.

Panasonic GH2 Review

Tue, 14 Dec 2010 00:00:00 +0000

The GH2 is the latest micro four-thirds (M4/3) camera to be released by Panasonic and is the most advanced model in the line-up. I don’t own one, but my neighbour Nik does; and the day after he brought it home from Hong Kong, he lent it to me for two days. Personally, if I had just purchased a new camera I would not lend it to anyone; so big thanks to Nik for letting me play with it.

The main reason he lent it to me was to let me try it out as a sports camera, specifically by trying to capture polo action. More on that later; but just to note that the two days I had to play with it coincided with a need to use another camera to photograph polo matches, so my GH2 time was limited. So don’t expect a detailed review with image comparisons; just some feedback from someone who has a GF1 and a sports-oriented camera and has made a rough comparison between them and the GH2. If you are thinking of getting an M4/3 camera, maybe this will help; maybe not.

So, here it is:

Dick output

Mon, 13 Dec 2010 00:00:00 +0000

Outraged outburst from Billy following my use of the ‘p’ word when describing a lens in a recent post.

So, toning it down a bit, here are some photos from the lens that looks like a dick.

Zoomed in, there is a little vignetting:

Drifting in the dark

Mon, 13 Dec 2010 00:00:00 +0000

Three days of polo; standing in the sun for three hours every day, clicking the shutter at any passing horse. End result: completely knackered and 4,009 photos taken, which is some sort of obscure record which I would have prefer not to have set, given that I will have to review every single photo over the coming days.

Return home for the usual ritual of downloading photos and backing them up, followed by a refreshing shower and a need to relax for a while. The solution is O’Gara’s pub where a pint of Guinness and a plate of fish and chips (with peas!!) does much to restore my spirits. Look forward to going home and relaxing in front of some mindless entertainment before retiring for a long sleep.

This is not to be, because she who must be obeyed remembers that there is drift racing in progress at Bali Hai pier. It finishes at 2200 and it is only 2030. So back home to collect a camera and long lens and we attempt to get near to Bali Hai. Not a chance, the roads are solid with parked cars and it would take us an hour to walk there, and I would collapse with exhaustion long before we saw a car drifting. So instead we had for the hill overlooking Bali Hai where we get an excellent view of what must be one of the most boring spectator sports on the planet.

After a delay of twenty minutes, two cars head off in staggered formation round a tight track. The distance between start and finish is around two hundred metres and each race is over in seconds. The drifting is quite impressive however, as is the sound of valves being destroyed as engines are massively over-revved. I expect that vast sums of cash are spent on these smoking, sliding machines. As I lifted $10,000 worth of camera equipment to my eye, I wondered why people are stupid enough to spend so much cash on their hobbies.

In any event, my costly camera gear was no match for the almost dark conditions. 3,200 ISO and slow shutter speeds does not make for cool action shots; plus I was so damn tired. In summary, the photos were shit; but here are a few:

It looks like a penis

Sun, 12 Dec 2010 00:00:00 +0000

I really don’t know what came over me. There I was, sat having an excellent meal at the polo club, with convivial company and not a care in the world. So why did I turn to the lady next to me and enquire: “would you like to see this lens, it looks like a penis”? It could have been worse, I could have said “do you want to see my penis, it looks like a lens”.

It may have been something to do with the very fine glass of white wine I had just consumed; but more likely it was an enthusiasm to share the beauty of a lens I had just been lent; and in my defence it did sport excellent phallic properties.

The lens belongs to William, owner of a couple of the lenses featured in the micro four-thirds collection; and the owner of several more tasty pieces of glass following an extended and expensive session on eBay. But this lens in particular was so pretty. Being phallic, of course it has to be French, and it is a cine lens made by Angenieux of Paris.

A bit of a collection

Fri, 10 Dec 2010 00:00:00 +0000

The inaugural meeting of the “my condo micro four-thirds owners group” was held this morning. The meeting concluded that we still had space in a photograph for some more lenses and Mr. Ebay will be consulted accordingly.

Just another Friday

Fri, 10 Dec 2010 00:00:00 +0000

And how better to spend the afternoon than taking 1,300 photos of, well, the usual.

Photos of fog

Wed, 08 Dec 2010 00:00:00 +0000

My recent foray into the delights of Russian lenses resulted in the weirdly styled and not completely shit Industar-22.

But the $29 extravagance that was the Industar-22 was accompanied by the slightly more down-market Industar-50 at $17. Again, it took shots that weren’t shit; but it was destined for a higher purpose as a macro machine.

Somewhere on the wide wide world of web, I found reference to a macro lens solution involving an Industar-50, and adapter and a set of extension tubes. The tubes (cost $9) arrived yesterday, and the device was screwed together.

Shore leave

Wed, 08 Dec 2010 00:00:00 +0000

Passengers from the cruise ship RFS Titanski enjoy a welcome break in Pattaya.

1212 days

Tue, 07 Dec 2010 00:00:00 +0000

She who must be obeyed is becoming increasingly interested in being a photographer. Specifically, she fancies earning some cash from stock photography; just like I’m not. I have warned here that, should she manage to make a sale before I do (in other words, ever); then the penalty will be divorce; which I feel is reasonable punishment.

So she has been snapping away and fiddling around in Lightroom, the latter very slowly. The reason for the tardiness is her hand-me-down iMac which used to be mine before I promoted myself to a Mac Pro. It’s a little slow nowadays, partly because she has filled the machine with crap; but also because the iMac is more than three years old and technology has moved on somewhat.

Why don't they just ask?

Sun, 05 Dec 2010 00:00:00 +0000

To Bangkok for the weekend to meet up with an old friend who was passing through en route back to chilly England. He is a man of means and has a Porsche Turbo sitting in a garage at home, plus assorted other expensive toys; so I feel it is my duty to encourage him to part with some more of his cash while in Thailand.

First to a camera shop where I tried and failed to make him buy a GF1. Then to an Apple store, on a mission to acquire a 27" Apple Cinema Display for The Pattaya Ghost, who had met nothing but indifference from the morons at iStudio in Central Beach Road. iStudio at Siam Paragon were much more accommodating and I was soon the proud temporary owner of massive, heavy box; which proved somewhat difficult to insert into a taxi.

She who must be obeyed was a little worried by this transaction. What if The Ghost failed to appear to pick up his monitor, what if he fled the country, what if he were fatally assaulted by an ostrich? And the answer of course was that I would suddenly be the proud owner of a 27" monitor without having to work through an internal justification process. Sadly, and to my eternal regret, the ostrich hit did not materialise and The Ghost is now watching Beyonce videos in HD and proclaiming himself very happy.

Anyway, back to the Apple store, where my friend was contemplating a Macbook Air to replace his pile of crap Sony Vaio running Vista. Some price comparisons revealed only a slight saving compared to UK prices; so the purchase was deferred. Having failed to spend someone else’s money, I was in need of a cup of tea; so we visited a very smart little cafe in Central World and drank some very expensive cups of tea which my friend paid for (result!).

Everything was elegantly presented to justify the price. Comfortable chairs and elegant crockery on which the slogan of the clearly tourist oriented company was displayed:

Dustus insectus

Fri, 03 Dec 2010 00:00:00 +0000

What to do with 15,900 baht

Fri, 03 Dec 2010 00:00:00 +0000

In April I convinced myself and the management that it would be a good idea to acquire an iPad; albeit from the grey market at an inflated price. Arguments that it would be released in Thailand soon, at a lower price, were ignored. Just as well because you have not been able to buy an “official” iPad in this country until today. But now you can, at a very attractive 15,900 baht, compared to the 23,500 baht I paid for the same model.

Never mind, I have had seven months of additional pleasure out of a gadget that has become part of my everyday life. I tend to wake a little later than my beloved, and so start the day alone, in a semi-conscious state with the iPad for company. I check my mails, read twitter and check the latest news; after which I am sufficiently conscious to stagger to the toilet, where my morning constitutional is enlivened by some more web browsing and even quick puzzle or game if I am in a particularly perky mood.

If I want to access the web for any reason during the day, then I turn to the iPad. Slumped in a chair, I have magazines and books to read, movies and TV shows to stream from my computer, and too many games to conquer. It’s a one-stop entertainment shop and it is no wonder that Apple are predicted to sell 13 million iPads by the end of this year.

I vaguely recall justifying the original purchase on the grounds I could take it to polo and display photos to potential clients. Had to wait for the season to start, but it has proved a great tool for showing off. Pick some choice shots from one day and show them as a slideshow the next evening during a social event. They look spectacular and there is always a little huddle of admirers around the iPad. Of course, if I had more than 16GB, I could show even more photos (sorry, just rehearsing for the upgrade next year).

And what new and exciting things did you do with your iPad today, I don’t hear you ask; but I am going to tell you anyway.

Angry Birds! One of the best games ever on any platform. Cute, fun, challenging, clever. I long since finished every challenge on the original game, so delighted to download Angry Birds Seasons yesterday. A Halloween themed game which I had already finished but has now been wiped so will have to play again, plus an advent calendar offering with a level to play for each of the 25 days of Xmas; and you can’t play a level until the appropriate day. Charming, and I will even forgive the festive soundtrack with sleigh bells.

Advanced technologies in the of digital photographic

Thu, 02 Dec 2010 00:00:00 +0000

Dam and sunflowers

Wed, 01 Dec 2010 00:00:00 +0000

Five years ago we went on a trip to the sunflower fields. There were three car loads of people and I thought the intention was to spend the best part of the day photographing sunflowers. Instead we spent the best part of twenty minutes, before the rest of the party declared it was time for lunch. I recall sulking for the rest of the trip. Ever since then I have vowed to return for an extended sunflower photo session; and yesterday was the day.

Our plans called for an early start; so by 1000 (early for me) we were on the road. We were heading for Lopburi, which requires you to head to Bangkok and then turn right-ish. Fortunately, my navigator fell asleep so we didn’t get lost and arrived at a field full of rather puny sunflowers by around 1400. But lunch was next on the agenda and she who must be obeyed (who had now awoken) announced we would head to a nearby dam for a tasty snack.

True to form, she immediately directed me down the wrong road, but we eventually arrived at a large pond. I had imagined throbbing turbines. sheer cliffs of concrete and rushing waters. None of that, just a lot of water and souvenir stalls selling T-shirts with slogans announcing “I came to the dam and there wasn’t one”. But no restaurants; so back on the road to a shack for a rather overpriced and uninteresting lunch. Now for the sunflowers.

She who must be obeyed had done some research and downloaded a map which indicated the location of various sunflower fields. We drove past a few where the prolonged rains and floods had clearly done nothing to encourage growth. But there were some excellent fields a little further away (I assumed, as the map was not to scale as I was about to discover). After forever we arrived at the spot where a particularly wonderful display was to be found; except now it was a ploughed field. The sun was sinking and I was yet to point my camera at a sunflower; desperate times. So we returned to the field we had arrived at some two hours before.

It turned out to be a perfect location with a few exceptions. The sunflowers were too small, and the sun was setting behind the them as they wilted after a long day in the sunshine. And it was almost dark.

Knocked off a few shots, none of which I am pleased with. She who must be obeyed offered an option to find a resort and then come back in the morning; but I decided to just drive home. Sunflowers are uninteresting little fuckers anyway. Stopped at the service area for some food and I will admit to having a product from MacDonalds. It was like eating the flabby fat from the underarm of Susan Boyle and I thought I might vomit.

2100 and we were home. Six hundred kilometres and a few shitty pics, won’t be doing that again.

Done!

Mon, 29 Nov 2010 00:00:00 +0000

Close to 7,000 polo photos over ten days, processed down to around 3,000. Burned to disks and loaded to a website, and by yesterday morning I was feeling pretty damn pleased with myself. All I had left to do was set up some galleries for the patrons.

Patrons in polo are pronounced as if you are French and they are the life blood of a small club. They form a team, purchase horses, and employ Argentinians who were born on a horse to play for them. The club I shoot for has three of them and it reasonable to assume that they each have more money than god. One of them is responsible for the manufacture of most of the world’s pencils, churning out 800 kilometres of pencils per day, or some such ridiculous amount. But, like the others, when you meet him you would be easily convinced that he worked in a small shop that sold a few pencils per year. So, pleasant people who might just want to buy a few photos. Rather than have them trawl through hundreds of shots of other people, I decided to set up a gallery for each of them showing just their photos. Easy job I thought, and as usual I was wrong.

Gone birding

Fri, 26 Nov 2010 00:00:00 +0000

When I lived in Kuala Lumpur I had a fine Aussie boss by the name of Keith. Being an Aussie, he liked a laugh, he liked a beer, and he liked looking at birds; except in his case these were real birds, with feathers and beaks etc. His boss (therefore my boss’s boss, a.k.a. God) was similarly inclined and they would disappear into the jungles of Malaysia and return wide-eyed with excitement having spotted a lesser-crested tit warbler.

A few years ago I met Keith again in Bangkok, about to embark on another bird-watching mission. For many, telling friends that they were going bird-watching in Thailand would be a thinly veiled reference to a carefully planned week of debauchery. But in Keith’s case, he really did intend sitting up to his arse in leeches in some distant swamp for hours on end in the vain hope of spotting a tiny grey bird. Would he photograph it, I enquired? Nope, he would just note his findings in a little notebook and return home happy. Completely bloody nuts.

But there are people who take some really fine photos of birds; and I didn’t see why I should not be one of them. My decision to add my name to the list of whizzo bird snappers was reinforced when I discovered that there is a reservoir at Bang Phra, only 45 minutes away, with a large and varied bird population; and many excellent bird photos from there can be found on the web.

She who must be obeyed ensured we were dressed in suitably camouflaged clothes. She even provided a green scarf to cover my sodding big grey lens. But our efforts were rather spoiled by a friend who joined us wearing a violent blue shirt covering a stomach the size of Singapore. It was like taking a blue-lamped lighthouse for a walk, the birds could see us from kilometres away.

The area we entered was designated a “no-hunting” area, which was reassuring. At least we were unlikely to be shot. But I think that all the birds were refugees from the hunting area, because none of them showed the slightest interest in hanging around to be photographed (or as they probably saw it, to be blown to bits). The place was certainly busy with birds, but at a distance. Once you arrived at a place where there had been flocks of birds; they had all buggered off to somewhere else. We did the “arriving at a place where the birds have already left” activity for a while; before settling down with our camouflage and travelling lighthouse and did the “waiting for the return of the birds to the place they just left” activity. Nothing happened.

A birds did fly in front of the sun, in order to distract the lighthouse in case he had a Gatling gun under his shirt (there was room). This made it impossible to get a reasonable photo:

A beach, a girl, an umbrella....

Wed, 24 Nov 2010 00:00:00 +0000

Been Fishing

Wed, 24 Nov 2010 00:00:00 +0000

Snip snip

Tue, 23 Nov 2010 00:00:00 +0000

My haircut requirements are normally attended to by she who must be obeyed. Cutting sessions are tense (for me), as my untrained barber wields a pair of scissors with ill-placed confidence, and the treatment is frequently interrupted by confidence-sapping mutterings of “oh shit” or, even worse, inane giggling. Still, the end result is always tolerable, I also have my nose and ear hairs attended to; and I get a kiss at the end for being a tolerant ~~victim~~ subject.

Go float your boat

Mon, 22 Nov 2010 00:00:00 +0000

Loy Krathong yesterday, an ancient festival where Thai people pay respect to the spirits of the waters by floating a small boat made of natural materials. By doing so the cast away their cares and start afresh.

Alternatively, it is an opportunity to get pissed and blow your hand off with a home-made firework.

She who must be obeyed was insistent we do the boat floating bit; so once I had dragged my sweaty body back from the polo (3,300 photos this weekend, just in case you were wondering), it was out on the street to purchase our krathong. Dismissing the polystyrene offerings as being ecologically unfriendly (dismissed a little too hastily I thought, they were substantially cheaper), she decided on two heart shaped Titanics made from coconut shells and corn husks.

Take a stick, a ball, and a camera

Sat, 20 Nov 2010 00:00:00 +0000

In between shooting polo, processing polo photographs and having the occasional shit; I am setting up a site to display and hopefully sell some of my polo masterpieces to those who sit on the horses. For this I need a banner/logo thingie; and today I borrowed a stick (mallet?) and a ball and stuck them next to the camera.

The lonely balloon seller

Fri, 19 Nov 2010 00:00:00 +0000

Yes, I'm at it again

Fri, 19 Nov 2010 00:00:00 +0000

Finally finished the processing from last weekend this morning, and off again this afternoon for the start of another tournament. Will spare you the horse photo onslaught, but I quite liked this. He hasn’t missed the ball, he is hitting it backwards. I can’t imagine how hard this is; because I can’t even imagine sitting on a horse, even one that has been heavily sedated.

The crane monster

Thu, 18 Nov 2010 00:00:00 +0000

Closing in for the kill…..

From Russia with love

Wed, 17 Nov 2010 00:00:00 +0000

A long time (the 1930s), in a land far away (Germany), a company called Leitz produced a rather fancy looking lens which was stuck on the front of Leica cameras and sold for large amounts of cash.

A worthy German

Tue, 16 Nov 2010 00:00:00 +0000

Excellent finish to the Formula One season on Sunday evening. Four men with a chance at the championship and, although Mark Webber is a good guy and would have been a popular winner, I didn’t care who won as long as it wasn’t Mr. Moan Alonso. So it was delightful to watch him being stuck behind Petrov for much of the race while Vettel romped away with the win and the championship. Vettel is an amusing young man with a very English sense of humour (a most unusual German) and enough talent to ensure this won’t be his last championship.

It’s been a great season with plenty of intrigue and some good racing; made all the better by my decision to abandon the pile of steaming crap that is the Star Sports coverage and watch the BBC via my computer. Close to four hours of non-stop coverage of race day, with an hour of interest before the race and the post-race forum which never fails to amuse. Eddie Jordan is a bit of an idiot at times, but he has a unique talent for capturing people to interview. On Sunday he dived into a melee of the world’s press, extracted Vettel and placed a BBC microphone in his hands. Irish balls.

Apart from the BBC, the other surprisingly pleasant addition to the F1 experience has been Twitter. Many of the teams, especially lower down the grid, provide plentiful updates throughout the race weekend. And then there are the assorted pundits, journalist and photographers who pitch in with information. Best of all has been @GrandPrixDiary, who has taken the piss out of whole enterprise and is always good for a giggle during the race. He also has a website, where he reveals shocking, if totally untrue, facts about the GP circus. In the last race, the blame for Alonso’s failure to clinch the championship was laid at the door of whoever came up with the strategy. GrandPrixDiary revealed why Ferrari’s chief strategist had been distracted:

A bit of a blur

Mon, 15 Nov 2010 00:00:00 +0000

Light permitting, you could photograph sports with a high speed shutter and get razor sharp images; but with no sense of movement. So the trick is to reduce the shutter speed so the photo shows some motion blur, but not so slow that all you get is shaky hands blur.

When shooting polo I find 1/640th second gives sharp images, with some blurring in the hoof area to confirm that the horses are not just frozen in mid-air. As the day wears on and the light fades, I reduce the shutter speed and hope for some extra action blur, but without Spike shaky hand blur. Success is limited.

But this one worked quite well. Light was crap and the colours were faded, so black and white was the answer.

Good times and not so good times

Mon, 15 Nov 2010 00:00:00 +0000

I love taking photos. And if the location is a sunny field out in the countryside with horses charging around and a glass of very cold white wine waiting at the end of the day, then I am all for it.

I also love arriving home, downloading my shots onto the computer, and seeing what I might have taken that will inadvertently please me. This applies for a couple of hundred shots, but not for the 3,247 photos I ended up with after three days at the polo field this weekend. This means many, many hours staring at photos of horses and riders in assorted poses; deleting the majority and tarting up those that remain to make them look acceptable. I am estimating completion on Friday morning, just in time to load up the gear and start all over again on Friday afternoon for another three days of shooting.

Progress today has been patchy. I started the day by driving to the airport to collect she who must be obeyed, to save her from waiting an hour or so for a bus. This was an act of extreme charity and I will remind her of it for several days. Then a few photos processed before lunch, then a few more before a walk on the beach before sunset was suggested. Had to take the GF1 of course. Having seen the resulting photo, kicking myself for not getting lower and getting a better outline of the boat.

A touch more sunshine

Sat, 13 Nov 2010 00:00:00 +0000

Slightly less mist and a touch more sunshine made for some pleasing shots this afternoon.

Keep your eye on the ball, part one:

Fair weather and foul

Fri, 12 Nov 2010 00:00:00 +0000

The weather has returned to a state of misty boredom; really not ideal conditions for taking photographs, especially photographs of subjects that are a long way away and half-shrouded in mist (I exaggerate slightly).

But I poked my lens into the gloom this afternoon and ended up with 1,299 shots; each of which will require my attention. Meantime, these caught my eye:

Battle for the ball:

Time to buy a Buddha

Fri, 12 Nov 2010 00:00:00 +0000

Life with she who must be obeyed is sometimes like watching a David Lynch film; it’s an enjoyable experience, but you don’t have a fucking clue what is going on.

And so it was over the last week or so, with many calls to her mother and other family members to discuss a matter of great importance which had yet to be revealed to me. Eventually it was announced that the family was to make merit by donating a large Buddha statue to a temple in their home town. It had also been decided that Phitsanulok was the world centre for the purchase of Buddha statues and that she who must be obeyed would drive my truck to collect the statue and then deliver it to the other end of the country.

A day of processing

Wed, 10 Nov 2010 00:00:00 +0000

Had done little with the 734 polo photos I took last weekend. Decided I better get stuck in and process them today, before I shoot a couple of thousand more this coming weekend.

This has meant a day in front of Lightroom, which means that I missed some wind and my eyes are now bleeding. But all the images are now processed or, more likely, deleted.

I never know what I am going to discover as I work through them, but I usually find a few that would be suitable for printing and hanging on a (toilet) wall. Like this one:

Damn the French

Tue, 09 Nov 2010 00:00:00 +0000

The French are so annoying; not least because they are annoyingly stylish, even in areas where function should reign supreme. Camera lenses for example.

The rest of the world makes mundane-looking lenses in black or grey with a plastic body. After all, it doesn’t matter how they look; all that matters is the photos they produce.

Pah! say the French; and lots of other words said with much shrugging of shoulders and waving of hands. If you are going to make a lens in France, it better look good. Like this:

Disco Singh

Mon, 08 Nov 2010 00:00:00 +0000

I know ~~many~~ ~~some~~ none of you have been waiting eagerly for the promised photograph of a “green Chinese thingie made of wood”.

Me too. Unfortunately, the Spike photography studios were closed this weekend due to the visit of a passing Granny, and it was not until this morning that I was able to play with my lights again. But I didn’t want to play with too much light. The official role of the beastie (which I believe to be called a singh, as in beer, as in the Sanskrit word for ’lion’) is to guard Nik’s front door. But I envisaged a less benign calling for the faded object and wanted to shoot it dark, with a sinister glow. I thought I had succeeded, but she who must be obeyed declared that it looked like it was in a disco. Another failed aspiration then; and it’s only Monday.

Small amusements

Mon, 08 Nov 2010 00:00:00 +0000

No, not a post about my genitals.

A call from Nik this morning. Did I have a macro lens for my GF1 he could use? Our lens collection is expanding such that we do not know what each other has acquired. Indeed, I have to look into my lens cabinet on a daily basis to remind myself of current stock.

And I do own a macro lens; but it isn’t quite here yet. In fact it hasn’t started the journey to Pattaya; a journey that starts somewhere in the Ukraine so it may take a while. My future macro lens solution is an exotic mix of an ancient Russian lens made in a tractor factory, some plastic tubes, and an adapter, the total cost of which is less than $70. I fear the resulting image quality will be more amusing than impressive; but you can never get enough of amusing.

So, no macro, but I could offer him my LX3 which takes stupidly excellent macros, even though it did not originate from a tractor factory. After a couple of hours he returned it, suitably impressed, and it seemed a shame not to point it at something. A rummage in a drawer revealed a bag of tiny Buddhist statues, the purpose of which was not clear, but they could be photographed.

Mad dogs and Englishmen...

Fri, 05 Nov 2010 00:00:00 +0000

….go out in the midday sun. But Englishmen don’t have to worry when they are equipped with the latest in fan cooling technology.

Challenge of the day

Thu, 04 Nov 2010 00:00:00 +0000

She who must be obeyed was sorting through some vegetables this evening and discovered a piece with a worm sticking out. Was her reaction:

A cry of disgust?
A call to me to come and deal with it?
A call to me to ask me if I wanted to photograph it?

Number 3 of course, and I didn’t; or at least I couldn’t because I have lent my little LX3 macro machine to Q’on. But she knows what is important. The first consideration of any object must always be “can you photograph it?”, followed closely by the Thai sentiment “can you eat it?”

I have similar “can we photograph this?” conversations with my neighbour, Nik. Today he has been developing an advanced lighting systems made out of LED lights, bubble wrap, kitchen roll and cardboard boxes. I think it is fair to say that it has not been a complete success. His test subject of choice was a chunk of amethyst crystal, not the easiest of subject matter; given that the light source is going to bounce off some of the crystals and straight through your lens. Having failed to snap it successfully with LED lights wrapped in bubble wrap; he let me have a go. I don’t think I did a better job; perhaps I should have used more bubble wrap.

GF2? No thank you.

Thu, 04 Nov 2010 00:00:00 +0000

I make no apologies for constantly banging on about my Panasonic GF1. It’s a wonderful photographic tool which takes fantastic photos. I should therefore be excited about the prospect of a successor, but noises from the rumour mill have not been promising.

The problem is the Sony NEX, a tiny, interchangeable-lens camera which also takes fantastic photos; albeit with crappy controls and rather feeble selection of lenses. It’s selling like cakes which have been heated beyond the warm stage, and Panasonic feels the need to respond.

And so today they announced the diminutive GF2.

Blame the router

Wed, 03 Nov 2010 00:00:00 +0000

Monday afternoon, and the little blue light that tells me that I am connected to the wide wide world of web starts to blink and die. More than a little annoying, because I was in the middle of uploading a large number of large files to a photo stock site; being snaps of she who must be obeyed’s sister in a variety of poses, all designed to catch the attention of the world’s media and earn me vast sums of cash.

Back in the saddle

Sat, 30 Oct 2010 00:00:00 +0000

First match of the season at Polo Escape today and a chance for me to refresh my pony following camera skills.

It's easy until you reach step 43

Fri, 29 Oct 2010 00:00:00 +0000

Ask Google Maps for the route from Japan to China

(click to enlarge)

Justin who?

Fri, 29 Oct 2010 00:00:00 +0000

The last day with my little photo model, and in the absence of electricity we head for Starbucks. A clear “no photography” policy does not deter my wife who has an increasing list of scenarios yet to be captured, one of which is “child in coffee shop”. Bringing my studio lights into Starbucks is clearly not going to happen, neither is using flash, so I give thanks for the F1.7 aperture on the wonderful Panasonic 20mm lens.

Oh no, not again

Fri, 29 Oct 2010 00:00:00 +0000

Given my advancing years, I prefer to forget my birthday. And so this morning I did, until my mother-in-law presented me with a gift; a bunch of lottery tickets featuring my age. A kind thought, although I doubt the number 47 will be the winning number this week…..

Comments 🔗

2010-10-29 | Paul Garrigan says

Happy birthday Spike, I don’t like to make a fuss about my birthday but I always feel a bit let down when other people don’t remember it.

Reasons to be cheerful

Fri, 29 Oct 2010 00:00:00 +0000

A birthday at my age is a time to be grateful. Grateful to have my health, grateful to have people to love and who love me, and grateful to still be having fun.

And grateful just to be around to enjoy another sunset; and it was a good one today.

Can we stop now?

Thu, 28 Oct 2010 00:00:00 +0000

A number of mails from readers asking what I was using to take the shots over the past few days. Not really, none of you lot give a shit how I take my photos; but I am going to tell you anyway because I just love to share things that nobody cares about.

Here is my state of the art photography studio (a.k.a. a corner of the spare bedroom):

The adventure continues

Wed, 27 Oct 2010 00:00:00 +0000

Another day of photographing she who must be obeyed’s sister. I had long since run out of ideas, but my wife had a seemingly endless list of subject matter.

This was from the “student on the phone” shoot:

Input from my creative director

Mon, 25 Oct 2010 00:00:00 +0000

Some more sister shooting this morning, and we go through a batch of shots featuring an iPhone, then an iPad. She who must be obeyed is in charge of make-up and general sister management. She has also being doing some research and has nominated herself as creative director. She duly arrives with a collection of props and a long list of ideas. I am not sure of the market for some of her selections; but this is the “scared by what I see in binoculars while wearing a jacket” look.

Another little obsession

Sun, 24 Oct 2010 00:00:00 +0000

Puzzles exist to be solved; so when I discover a new puzzle, I can attend to little else until it is solved. So it is with Trainyard, an iPhone game which plays very nicely at double size on the iPad.

Trains of various colours depart from stations and have to be sent to other locations; but with their numbers increased or decreased and their colours changed. You lay the track to make it happen.

Trainyard interrupted

Sun, 24 Oct 2010 00:00:00 +0000

Kiddie entertainment

Fri, 22 Oct 2010 00:00:00 +0000

Plans for a mammoth photo shoot are deferred as we decide to take she who must be obeyed’s sister to the zoo. Far too many people there, reminding me of why I never normally go during the school holidays. Still, the sister seemed to enjoy it, and I took a few shots.

Let there be light

Thu, 21 Oct 2010 00:00:00 +0000

Me: Hello little girl, you are very pretty.

11 year old girl: Thank you, old and slightly creepy man.

Me: I would like to take some photographs of you. If you let me take photos of you in a variety of poses; then I will buy you a new phone.

11 year old girl: OK!

The good news is that the 11 year old girl is she who must be obeyed’s much younger sister; and my photographic intentions extend no further than wholesome photos of a young girl such that might sell on a stock site. I leave it to she who must be obeyed to explain to her little sister that this is an offer she should normally refuse.

Sister has come to stay with us for a couple of weeks. This is not a problem because she is unfailingly polite and fun to have around. She is also a potentially excellent subject for stock photos. Young girl leaping about; young girl using iPad, young girl doing homework, young girl engaging in endless activities as dreamed up by her sister and shot by me. Result: massive sales and a life of leisure. Well, probably not, but hopefully enough dollars to pay for the studio lights I have just bought.

Yes, the arrival of the sister seemed an excellent ~~excuse~~ justification for the acquisition of some lighting. I have always had a hankering for a little home studio, without having a clear understanding of what I would do with it. But now I had clear need, at least for a week. Endless sister shots resulting in huge earnings, it was a winning concept!

So on Monday afternoon I was in Bangkok and was soon the owner of a set of three lights, assorted stands, softboxes and reflecting umbrellas. The set came with a free flash trigger and a couple of DVDs which purported to explain how to use them; but didn’t.

Back home and I set everything up and pointed the flashing contraptions at a bottle of wine.

Bit of a walkabout

Tue, 19 Oct 2010 00:00:00 +0000

Went to Bangkok yesterday for some crucial equipment acquisition and stayed overnight so I could meet up with Nik this morning for a little photo tour.

We met at the main railway station where the rolling stock looks sufficiently ancient to be pulled by steam; but isn’t.

Bit of a break

Fri, 15 Oct 2010 00:00:00 +0000

Man flu again. Several days of fever, sniffing, coughing and staring into the dark abyss of despair. Women will think I am exaggerating, men will know that there are no words to describe the pain we go through. I’d rather give birth to fat triplets than have man flu.

On the positive side, she who must be obeyed swung into action with lotions and potions, which may bring no immediate medical benefits but are always comforting. And the downtime from my usual busy life of drinking coffee and cruising the internet, allowed me to catch up on some to the movies and TV shows that have been accumulating on my hard drive. The rigours of man flu can be made more bearable if you have an iPad and the Air Video application, so you can stream media from your computer to your sofa of suffering. Many a ~~happy~~ tolerable hour was spent curled up in the corner watching assorted shows, with the occasional break to let out low moans and confirm that another cup of ginger tea would be appropriate, with perhaps a couple of chocolate biscuits on the side to help quell the pain.

Another one joins the club

Tue, 12 Oct 2010 00:00:00 +0000

I appear to have been instrumental in encouraging a number of people to join the Micro 4/3 camera club. The latest, I believe it is number ten, is Camberley.

Camberley has a Canon 5D, assorted lenses; and has no need of another camera. But that is irrelevant, he decided he wanted a GF1, justification enough for the male of the species; but not enough for wives.

He is planning to take his wife on a trip to Vietnam, and decided the trip might serve as a justification for a new camera. The conversation went something like this:

A load of cock

Sun, 10 Oct 2010 00:00:00 +0000

Peacock, that is.

In town yesterday, and there was the usual assortment of street vendors, including a man selling household brushes, and peacock feathers. Not clear how and why his business model had been expanded to include plumage as well as brushes; but she who must be obeyed was straight into negotiation mode.

Why are you buying those?

To play with the cats.

Can I photograph them first?

If you must.

I must.

It was seventy years ago today, and forty yesterday

Sat, 09 Oct 2010 00:00:00 +0000

A glance at the Google home page this morning will remind you that it is John Lennon’s 70th birthday, possibly the best ever export from Liverpool; apart from Billy.

A slightly lesser known anniversary, and not celebrated by Google, occurred yesterday; the 40th anniversary of the death of Mit Chaibuncha.

Mit was a famous Thai movie actor and was filming on Jomtien beach. An exciting scene where Mit would hold onto a ladder attached to a departing helicopter. The helicopter departed, but Mit did not hold onto the ladder; and he plunged to his death.

A shrine was duly constructed and it stands today next to the gorgeous cement plant which is pretending to be the site of the Ocean 1 development. We went to take a look (at the shrine, not the cement plant) and the place was very busy with devotees of the “acts, but can’t hold onto a ladder” celebrity.

Saturday Quiz

Sat, 09 Oct 2010 00:00:00 +0000

What’s this?:

Spikes

Fri, 08 Oct 2010 00:00:00 +0000

Pattaya Vegetarian Festival 2010

Thu, 07 Oct 2010 00:00:00 +0000

F1 Pussy

Wed, 06 Oct 2010 00:00:00 +0000

Decide that my enjoyment of F1 2010 can be enhanced by dragging my F1 chassis out of storage. Takes a dusty, sweaty hour to extract it; but then I can enjoy a more authentic (i.e. uncomfortable) driving experience.

A noble gesture

Tue, 05 Oct 2010 00:00:00 +0000

Cat makes valiant attempt to stop she who must be obeyed from rotting her brain with Facebook games.

Law and order quiz

Tue, 05 Oct 2010 00:00:00 +0000

Two scenarios:

A. Street vendor selling sandals with the face of the Prime Minister on one, and his deputy on the other; and the words “people died at Ratchaprasong” imprinted on both. Sandals on sale at a red shirt rally.

B. Street vendor selling CDs containing images and video of child pornography, with example images on the cover of children (advertised as being as young as seven years old) being sexually abused by adults. Disks on open display in a major tourist area in Bangkok.

I'm in a Virgin

Mon, 04 Oct 2010 00:00:00 +0000

And it’s all Geoff Crammond’s fault.

I first became aware of Mr. Crammond in 1986. I was in Oman, on some fruitless mission for my employer, and was spending an evening at the house of my host. A dinner date with senior people, where pressing business issues would be discussed after pleasantries had been dispensed with. Exactly the sort of encounter that I loathed. But as I half-listened to a self-important Dutchman mouthing off about something irrelevant (an occupational hazard in the company I used to work for), I caught a glimpse of the son of the house in the next room, playing a car racing game on his BBC micro. Enough of the oil business, I slipped away to take a look.

It was Geoff Crammond’s Revs.

A new rag

Sun, 03 Oct 2010 00:00:00 +0000

If you are looking for a quality English language newspaper in Pattaya, don’t bother. Actually, you could probably use that sentence, replacing “Pattaya” with the city or country of your choice and it would still be true; but that is your problem. My problem is finding a decent source of news for the city I live in; and there isn’t one.

The two main offerings are The Pattaya Mail and Pattaya Today; and I suppose I should start by declaring that I used to write for both of them.

Last chance to see

Sun, 03 Oct 2010 00:00:00 +0000

If pool is your game, then get yourself down to Royal Garden Mall this afternoon for the semis and final of the Pattaya 9 Ball Pool competition. The semis are on now (1300) and the final is played at 1730.

'Passengers are advised to avoid the Zone 2 parking lot'

Sat, 02 Oct 2010 00:00:00 +0000

And why would the Thai Airport authority issue such a statement yesterday?

Floor re-surfacing operations in progress?
Exit barrier is not functioning correctly?
Car park is full?
More than one hundred armed men, wearing black, have seized control of the area?

Well, of course it was number 4.

And what is the response when an area of an international airport is occupied such a manner?

Send in specially trained troops to disarm and arrest the men?
Dislodge them with tear gas, water cannon and rubber bullets?
Send some police round for a nice chat?

You know the answer.

Offshore projectile vomiting

Fri, 01 Oct 2010 00:00:00 +0000

I like to think I maintain a pretty rigorous exercise regime. Only last week I took a one hour walk down the beach, and I vaguely recall doing something slightly strenuous last April. A man has to keep in shape.

Core to my physical well-being is windsurfing, but a combination of no wind, man flu, assorted other ailments and general laziness has kept me off the water for a couple of months. Until yesterday. A fresh wind from the North East promised much, and I soon had my windsurfing bag ready to go.

I want my aMerican TV

Wed, 29 Sep 2010 00:00:00 +0000

This morning I received a missive from our very own genuinej, apologising for not commenting as much as he used to. The reason for his absence is that his vitriolic messages are normally fuelled by the consumption of vast amounts of alcohol, and he is not imbibing to his usual level because he is currently driving around America; no doubt complaining about their spelling at every opportunity.

But the nights are drawing in and getting colder in the land of the ~~fear~~ free, and both genuinej and the entire population of the USA will be retiring to the comfort of their living rooms. Genuinej will stay amused by getting pissed and nit-picking my grammar; Americans will need TV.

Beans

Tue, 28 Sep 2010 00:00:00 +0000

If you buy coffee beans from most outlets, they will look dry and dull. The natural oils in the beans, released during roasting, have long since dried out.

Luckily, I get my beans from someone who vacuum packs them immediately after roasting, and gets them too me within a few weeks after that. So when I open the pack, the beans are still shiny and moist; an indication of good coffee to come.

Opened a new pack of beans this morning. Seemed only logical to photograph them.

Wish I was there

Sun, 26 Sep 2010 00:00:00 +0000

I have seen the future, and it has no mirror

Sat, 25 Sep 2010 00:00:00 +0000

The Photokina show in Germany is almost over and anything of note has already been announced. Time to review the state of the camera industry.

Ask most people what type of camera takes the best photos and they will answer “DSLR”, the interchangeable lens, mirror-slapping monsters, churned out by the likes of Canon and Nikon in a variety of specifications and a singularity of colour (black). Not so. All else being equal, the bigger the sensor, the better the image quality; so you would do better with something like this:

Night at the floating market

Fri, 24 Sep 2010 00:00:00 +0000

The shops are closing and the tourists are being poured onto buses. She who must be obeyed thought this would be a good time to go and take some photos. And it was.

Warning, more flowers

Thu, 23 Sep 2010 00:00:00 +0000

Nik was eager to try out his new toy, so it was off to Nong Nuch where there is plenty to photograph, provided you don’t mind shooting flowers.

Next to the car park there is an area full of fake flamingos; but there are also pots with water lilies; so we started there and Nik was soon engrossed.

Caption competition

Wed, 22 Sep 2010 00:00:00 +0000

Oh ye of little faith

Wed, 22 Sep 2010 00:00:00 +0000

Some consternation amongst my concerned readership when I announced my plans to strip down my high temperature/pressure potential bomb (aka coffee machine).

The remaining parts arrived today, and I will admit to slight concern when I turned the beast on again for a pressure test; to the extent that the machine was on the balcony and I made sure that I wasn’t. I waited for the normal hissing and popping which is so much part of the personality of my chrome peacock; but there was no sound. Was it broken? No, the pressure was there, but all the leaks had been fixed by my most excellent craftsmanship and hammering. No one more amazed than me, apart from she who must be obeyed who was cowering in the back room, convinced that a major explosion was imminent.

Welcome to the Micro 4/3 camera club

Wed, 22 Sep 2010 00:00:00 +0000

Nik lives in our condo and is a keen photographer. There are few areas of Thailand which have not had one of his lenses pointed at them; and his worldwide coverage is pretty extensive too. He is a Nikon man (nobody’s perfect), with a semi-pro body and load of lenses.

At least he was. A couple of weeks ago he announced he had sold all his Nikon gear and was coming over to the dark side. And yesterday his new toys arrived. A red Panasonic GF1 with the 20mm F1.7, the Olympus 9-18 wide angle, and a Contax 45mm F2. Very similar to my lens collection; and he will be even closer when a Contax 90mm arrives via eBay.

Of course we had to lay out our toys, together with she who must be obeyed’s Olympus EP-1.

This ain't no upwardly mobile freeway...

Tue, 21 Sep 2010 00:00:00 +0000

…oh no, this is the road to Hell.

When the new mayor of Pattaya came to power, he had a 15 point plan to improve Pattaya. One of the points was to clean up Walking Street and get rid of all the hookers; so once we had stopped laughing we pretty much ignored the rest of the list as well. But tucked away in the projects was a plan to build a tram system, which on the face of it is almost as laughable as getting rid of the hookers. But suddenly the tram has become a monorail and the project is very much alive.

It’s a four billion baht extravaganza which will build a line from a place nobody wants to go to or leave from, to another place that nobody wants to go to or leave from; with a few stops along the way. The project is scheduled to take ten years (for which, read “infinity”) and will cause massive disruption on the main roads of Pattaya while it is being constructed. If it is eventually finished, nobody will use it and it will eventually break down and be scrapped. But none of this matters because some people will have benefited financially along the way; by which if course I mean the construction company which will be awarded a contract based on submitting a least-cost, technically acceptable bid in a carefully monitored tender process. And the hookers will be removed from Walking Street.

Still, we can take some comfort in the ability of City Hall to administer such a large project. Their stellar performance in the project to widen Thappraya Road over the last half century is a clear indication of what we can expect if the monorail goes ahead.

It’s been at least five years since the seven kilometre project started and it’s not quite finished yet. Indeed it is closer to being started than finished. For some reason, City Hall decided to award a separate contract for each kilometre of road. Not sure where they found seven different contractors who thought they could build roads, but experience has shown that they can’t.

The first section, heading out of Pattaya towards Jomtien, took years to complete. Now it is done and presumably handed back to the city for routine maintenance; which mainly involves keeping everything clean and tidy.

In the north of Thailand there is a road that runs dead straight for a hundred kilometres or more. If you join at the northern end you find that there is a patch in the central reservation which looks like a well-tended front garden of an obsessive gardener. There is a delicately pruned bush and a cascade of flowers, carefully arranged for effect. All very charming; and then you discover that this patch is duplicated over and over again, for at least twenty kilometres; before the design changes and another little garden design repeats itself for another twenty kilometres or so. It’s amazing, and you can’t help but admire the dedication of the local authority that planned and maintains this ribbon of display; presumably with a good deal less available cash than urban Pattaya.

And this is Pattaya’s approach to beautifying the central reservation; makes you proud to live here:

Lust week

Mon, 20 Sep 2010 00:00:00 +0000

It’s Photokina time, the biennial photography fair in Germany where new ~~toys~~ photographic products are announced.

Companies stage their announcements to create what they hope will be maximum impact. This means that some Photokina products were announced months ago, and others will be announced during the show. I am looking forward to some new M4/3 products, but the rumours don’t seem to promise anything exciting.

But, Fuji dropped a nice little bombshell this morning with this:

The joy of jacuzzi

Sun, 19 Sep 2010 00:00:00 +0000

After some surprisingly excellent navigation by she who must be obeyed, we found ourselves in Hua Hin. The rationale for the visit was based on a question by SWMBO, “shall we go to Hua Hin?”; with the only reasonable response being “yes”.

After checking out a typically Thai hotel, with shit-stained wood and an odour of decay, we chanced upon the Amara Resort.

Squid hunters

Sat, 18 Sep 2010 00:00:00 +0000

Sat on the beach at sunset and there were a couple of guys in a fishing boat out on the gulf:

Like a bird, on the wire

Fri, 17 Sep 2010 00:00:00 +0000

Hilly temple

Thu, 16 Sep 2010 00:00:00 +0000

Driving through Petchaburi and we see a cluster of temples on top of a hill. The main entrance offered a long climb to the top; not my idea of fun at all. But round the back there was a cable car which was much more to my liking. The cable car entrance hall was delicately carved to portray activities typically undertaken by pious monks:

A couple of patterns

Wed, 15 Sep 2010 00:00:00 +0000

The joy of tinkering

Tue, 14 Sep 2010 00:00:00 +0000

Those who have been here from the start (probably only me), may recall that my very first post was a small homage (French pronunciation please) to my coffee machine.

The machine has made the occasional appearance over the years; as has my need for coffee on a daily basis. Sadly, the recently reported coffee embargo was preceded by the demise of my beautiful machine. Nothing terminal, but it had been spurting water from various orifices (as you do) at an increasing rate over the past couple of months; and it got to the stage that it was emptying the contents of the boiler over the kitchen floor before I could extract a cup of coffee out of it. It was taken out of commission and we had to make daily excursions to coffee purveying establishments to feed my need.

I have had the machine for nearly ten years, and she who must be obeyed suggested it was time for a new one. A tempting idea, but the current machine cost me 28,000 baht ten years ago; and was bought at a time when I was earning big bucks in Bangkok and such a sum was affordable. Now I survive on a sterling based pension which is currently worth 7/10ths of fuck all, and I have therefore no interest in splashing out on a new coffee machine.

Anyway, Pavoni coffee machines are large lumps of metal held together by bolts and washers. Replace the washers and the machine should last longer than I will. So I ordered a spares pack from a very efficient outlet in Glasgow, and a package of parts arrived this morning. Spanners in hand, and hammer within reach, I set to work to strip down the machine.

From the instructions on the web, it all sounded reasonably straight forward; but when parts have been living in close proximity for ten years, and subject to daily deluges of boiling water, then they are rather reluctant to be parted. Still, after four or five hours of tinkering, I had the beast in bits.

Chickens and chocolate

Mon, 13 Sep 2010 00:00:00 +0000

Being of the male gender, naturally I suffer during illness more than a female would; it’s just one of the burdens of being a man. And I feel the need to share my suffering by frequent low moaning, the occasional forced cough and with an expression of pain written across my classically rugged features at all times; the objective of course being sympathy.

And I have been moaning, coughing and grimacing my way into sympathy over the last week, fuelled by a persistent and unpleasant combination of sore throat, headache and fever. Just nasty enough to stop me doing the things I want to do; and refusing to morph into something else and then disappear.

And it was all yellow

Fri, 10 Sep 2010 00:00:00 +0000

Drove by a field of flowers. My love of nature immediately enabled me to identify them as yellow flowers, but their exact name escapes me for the moment.

Anyway, she who must be obeyed wanted to take some pretty pictures of them, so I joined in; although I found the abandoned concrete structures more appealing than the flowers.

Lens porn

Thu, 09 Sep 2010 00:00:00 +0000

Having cash in the camera gear kitty has turned me into an eBay legacy lens junkie. The potential for sticking alternative lenses onto the front of my GF1 is much larger than I realised, and I spent too much time every day researching the possibilities, and stopping myself from bidding on impossibly expensive Leica rangefinder lenses.

I have already acquired the quite beautiful Contax 45mm, have taken nearly five hundred photos with it, and been very impressed.

Pattaya Whore

Thu, 09 Sep 2010 00:00:00 +0000

Feeding time

Wed, 08 Sep 2010 00:00:00 +0000

She who must be obeyed has an extended family that I cannot fathom. I can recognise her parents and siblings, but beyond that there is massive collection of uncles, aunts, granddads and grannies; whose place in the family tree I do not understand. But I find that a smile and a wai keeps me out of trouble.

Last weekend we made a trip to visit a granddad who is a monk, living in a temple near Samut Somewhere. I think he is a proper Granddad because my mother-in-law turned up and claimed he was her father. Mother-in-law’s mother also came along and, such is my general state of confusion regarding my wife’s family, it was only this morning that I realised that grannie and granddad must have been married at some point; which rather explains why he ran away and joined the monk-hood.

After much bowing and chatting and food consumption, it was off to stay the night with another granny whose lineage was obscure, but whose suitability for accommodation was not in any doubt because she owned a resort. She also turned out to be a hell of a cook and we dined very well before retiring to our cabin in the woods. The best feature of the cabin was the toilet/shower which was open to the elements. There is nothing finer than reading the news on your iPad whilst sitting on the toilet and listening to the forest reverberating around you. She who must be obeyed was not so sure, particularly when it got dark, and I was required to stand guard in case a passing moth assaulted her while she was cleaning her teeth.

The worst feature of the cabin was the bed. She who must be obeyed likes a hard bed. Took me a while to get used to the idea; but now I am also of the opinion that a mattress should be just short of being concrete. But the bed in the cabin was like reinforced concrete with extra hard bits and we spent a restless night. It was only around dawn that extreme tiredness forced me into sleep; and I was then immediately woken up by my wife who told me we had to go and see the monk being fed.

WTF?

So I was dragged out of bed and down to the edge of the river where a lone monk could be seen paddling upstream. Apparently he does this at around 0600 every day. If only he could do it at around 0930 I would be much more enthusiastic about watching him.

Ferris photo fun

Mon, 06 Sep 2010 00:00:00 +0000

A Ferris wheel at night can be a fun thing to photograph.

Bump up the ISO a little and you can get a shot at 1/160th second, enough to just about freeze the movement, but not very interesting:

Characters

Fri, 03 Sep 2010 00:00:00 +0000

Lunch snaps

Thu, 02 Sep 2010 00:00:00 +0000

A sort of a working lunch to discuss a coffee-table book which is to include some of my photographs. Most of the shots have already been taken, so I was able to relax and enjoy the food and the decor. Took a few snaps on the way out; want to go back and take some more some time.

An afternoon out

Wed, 01 Sep 2010 00:00:00 +0000

At last we seem to be having some days when it doesn’t piss down; so we jump in the car and head out for a drive, perchance to take a snap or two.

She who must be obeyed has seen some photos taken on Nang Rum beach which appears to have white sand and might be good for a sunset shot. After some diversions, we finally arrive to find that the sand is white-ish, but any sunset would be obscured by jetties and the rusting hulks of the Thai Navy. Never mind, there is no decent sunset to speak of anyway.

But there are some statues on the rocks, so I take a couple of shots of them before we head home.

I hate hostipals

Tue, 31 Aug 2010 00:00:00 +0000

*Baldrick: Oh, no, I hate hostipals. My grandfather went into one, and when he come out, he was dead.

Blackadder: He was also dead when he went in, Baldrick. He’d been run over by a traction engine.*

I share Baldrick’s concern, if not his approach to spelling and grammar. I hate the idea of having to go to a hospital. In my advancing years, I am aware that many of my age group suffer from ill-health, many to the point that they are no longer with us; and I try and remember how lucky I am to be currently free of serious ailments. Buddha apparently said: “Health is the greatest gift, contentment the greatest wealth, faithfulness the best relationship.” Amen to that.

Something we don't talk about

Mon, 30 Aug 2010 00:00:00 +0000

Mahadee was driving with his wife and two year old son when they were fired upon by automatic weapons, Mahadee was seriously injured and his young son was killed. In two other incidents in the same area, three other people were killed. Last Friday, a couple on the way to market were slaughtered.

More statistics to add to the death toll from the unrest in the south of Thailand, where more than 4,000 people have been killed in the last six years. 4,000 lives lost to violence; in any other country this would be considered a national issue worthy of serious attention. Not in Thailand. The killings rarely make it to the front page of the newspapers, if you are lucky you might find a couple of paragraphs on page three.

The watch shop

Mon, 30 Aug 2010 00:00:00 +0000

Quick as a flash

Sun, 29 Aug 2010 00:00:00 +0000

When I retired I owned a reasonably humble camera and accepted that my pension would not support profligate spending on new gear. Then I was lucky enough to start earning some cash with my camera and was able to establish my “camera fund”, whereby earnings would be deposited and retained for future camera upgrades. After all, there was no point in standing in a hot field all day taking photos, followed by days of eye straining processing; just to earn some cash for groceries. There had to be the promise of more gear to make it worthwhile.

And it worked pretty well, such that I could upgrade to a Canon 1D and acquire my monster 300mm lens without having to dip into what I call “my savings” but what other would regard as “loose change”. Once the camera gear was up to date, the name of the fund was changed to “Spike’s toys fund” by a unanimous vote by the fund management committee (me). A Mac Pro followed and I think the iPad was the last acquisition by the fund (bookkeeping is virtual, somewhat foggy and not subject to audit; so I can tell she who must be obeyed that I am buying something using fund resources, when in fact there is bugger all left in the kitty).

Photography jobs have been somewhat sparse of late, so the gear wish list has been growing, awaiting cash to pay for my desires. The sale of some of my Canon lenses recently has topped up the balance nicely. What to do with the cash? Decorate the condo? Buy some urgently needed new underpants? Take she who must be obeyed on a nice holiday? No way; more gear please.

So far there has been the wide angle Olympus lens and the Contax 45mm; but that was just the start. Next on the shopping list was a better flash for the GF1.

Like many cameras, the GF1 has a pop-up flash; but it is rather feeble and will not cast light very far. I needed something more substantial for those times when I needed something more substantial. My Canon had a monster clip-on flash, sufficient for lighting a large area in the dark:

Bigger is not necessarily better

Sat, 28 Aug 2010 00:00:00 +0000

After a brief but satisfactory test of the 9-18 Olympus lens yesterday, I put it in my dry cabinet alongside the equivalent lens I use with the Canon 1D, a Sigma 12-24. It struck me, yet again, what a waste of weight and money a DSLR system can be. Here are the two lenses together:

It’s all Ray’s fault – Part 3

Fri, 27 Aug 2010 00:00:00 +0000

There are very few people in the world who make a good living from photography. The upper echelons of the industry are fiercely competitive and you have to be very good and geographically well placed to take advantage of opportunities. I am not very good and I live in a small town in Thailand.

I have earned a little from the occasional job, but have also investigated other ways of making money from my photos. One of the options is stock photography. The principle is simple enough. You load your photos onto a stock photography website. Other people come along and buy them. The site keeps part of the sale price and you get the rest. Riches ensue. Except they don’t.

Stupid cow

Fri, 27 Aug 2010 00:00:00 +0000

After a week of consistently rubbish weather, today offered some sunny skies and I popped out to try our new wide angle lens, acquired a week ago but not yet used.

For a four thirds camera there is a choice of the Panasonic 7-14mm or the Olympus 9-18mm. The Panasonic is meant to be slightly better for image quality, but it is bigger, heavier and 50% more expensive. So we got the Olympus.

Off to a nearby temple and tried some wide angle shots. The results looked acceptable.

It's all Ray's fault - Part 2

Wed, 25 Aug 2010 00:00:00 +0000

The more pedantic among you (g******j), will be quick to point out that there has been no post entitled “It’s all Ray’s fault - Part 1”. In fact, there has been, it was just not made obvious.

About a week ago I announced my intention to sell my Canon camera gear. I noted that “At some point in the last couple of days I finally decided that sitting on a pile of expensive Canon gear to support the occasional job or sporting shoot was just silly”. This was true, but I did not enlarge upon what pushed me into making the decision.

In truth I had been procrastinating for months about selling my DSLR equipment. I would wake up of a morning with a firm decision to dispose; but by lunchtime had decided I would keep it for ever. By late afternoon I was re-drafting eBay adverts and by bedtime they were deleted and I would go and give the nearest lens a little stroke of affection. I couldn’t decide, and so the default was to do nothing.

The tipping point came in the fresh fruit section of Central food hall on a Saturday afternoon. She who must be obeyed was whizzing about buying stuff to eat and I was feeling as bored as I always do in food halls. Then the phone rang and it was Ray.

I ran into Ray on a photography forum and we have struck up a friendship. We have never met, but we both have a Mac and we both have a GF1 camera and we both live in the same country; which in some cultures is sufficient basis for a marriage. Before retirement, Ray was a professional photographer and for many years he covered the Formula 1 championship; which gives him something of a hero status in my eyes. He is a very enthusiastic and helpful chap and I always enjoy our conversations; especially those which take place in food halls and relieve me from the tedium of having to try and direct my wife to the check-out without passing any of the expensive cosmetic counters.

I can’t remember the purpose of this particular phone call; but we moved onto the topic of using “legacy” lenses on the GF1 and it was downhill from there.

If you buy a micro four thirds format such as the Panasonic GF1 (and you really should), then you have the choice of a reasonable range of lenses from either Panasonic or Olympus; and one from Leica. But that is just the tip of the lens iceberg. The size of the camera means that it is just crying out to accommodate the huge range of lenses from rangefinder cameras such as Contax, Leica and Nikon. The market was quick to respond and soon you could buy adapters which enabled you to attach almost any lens to a micro four thirds camera.

As a photographer of many years, Ray already had some classic lenses which he had used with his rangefinder cameras, and had since invested in more to use with his GF1. And they are investments. A few years ago you could only use these lens with a beat-up old film camera; but once you could stick them on the front of a modern digital camera, prices rose steeply.

So Ray was on the phone telling me how great these lenses were, and I was thinking “I want one”, as well as “she who must be obeyed is getting dangerously close the face cream section”.

And that (the lens desire, not the face cream) is what prompted the sale of the Canon gear. Sell the Canon lenses and use some of the money to get my hands on a classic. And they don’t come any more classic than the Contax 45mm F2 Planar, for years evaluated as the highest quality lens in the world for a 35mm camera, and even now only bettered by a $5,000 Canon monster.

So I found one on eBay and I bought it, for the grand sum of $350, which was a whole lot less than I had received for just one of my Canon lenses. And I got an adapter thingie; and they both arrived yesterday. Here they are attached to my GF1, rather hastily snapped with my phone, for which apologies:

Blood and Tits

Tue, 24 Aug 2010 00:00:00 +0000

It’s the time of year when there is not a lot on the TV. Not Thai TV of course, there is nothing on any of the fifty or so channels that is worth even a passing glance; ever. But American TV offers many series that we enjoy watching. But it is the summer in America and people go out to enjoy the sunshine and protest about cultural centres being built on the site of a carpet warehouse, rather than staying indoors and watching TV, so the current offerings are rather slim. Only next month will we be able to enjoy the likes of Dexter, House and my personal guilty pleasure, Desperate Housewives.

Medal of Honour - Ban this filth!!

Mon, 23 Aug 2010 00:00:00 +0000

Yesterday’s mention of the media generated shit storm that erupts with every new offering of Grand Theft Auto turned out to be prescient. Not long after the shock and horror of the “kill all the people at the airport, especially those getting in your way with a luggage trolley” scandal; now we have a new episode of Modern Warfare 2 which is upsetting some people who really should have better things to do with their time.

One of these people is blubber-faced Liam Fox, the UK Secretary of State for~~War~~ Defence

Too much redemption

Sun, 22 Aug 2010 00:00:00 +0000

Hello! I’m back!

Did you miss me? Thought not. This has been probably the longest break in the glorious history of Pattaya Days and nobody gives a shit, least of all me. Because I have just spent a few days in America.

Very nice it was too. Spent most of my time in the open plains in the area that used to be the wild west. Stunning scenery, amazing sunrises and sunsets, and populated with interesting characters. Also had a chance to pop down to Mexico for a while.

My timing sucks

Tue, 17 Aug 2010 00:00:00 +0000

I left school at seventeen and my first pay packet was around twelve pounds for a month of slave labour. Having bought my lunches, paid for my bus fare, and given my mother not a lot, there was little left for the simple pleasures of life. So it was rather surprising that I managed to save up enough for an SLR camera in three months. Mind you, it was a Russian-made Zenit-E which probably had “cheap and nasty” printed on the base in Russian.

After a while, the Zenit made way for a Canon, and a Canon was to be my camera of choice for the next hundred years or so, and I arrived at a Canon 300. Then came digital and I moved to a 300D, then a 30D, then (because there was no 3D) a 1D. The 1D was to support a small but quite lucrative photography business, and appropriate lenses were also acquired, culminating in the monstrously gorgeous 300mm.

Pattaya Fireworks Festival

Sun, 15 Aug 2010 00:00:00 +0000

Happy Mother's Day

Thu, 12 Aug 2010 00:00:00 +0000

Today it is Thailand’s turn for mother’s day; which means the restaurants will be full of fawning families this evening and best avoided. I no longer have a mother, as her liver succumbed to many years of alcohol abuse when I was a young man. At the time of her passing I recall that my overriding emotion was one of relief. So, if you have a Mum and she isn’t currently pissed; give her a big hug.

It looked like it was going to be a dramatic sunset; so we went on the beach for some sunset shots of mothers; but although there were mothers, there was no dramatic sunset. Still, throw a couple of shots at Topaz Adjust and some drama can be added.

Mother and daughter:

A moment of triumph

Wed, 11 Aug 2010 00:00:00 +0000

A poster, somewhere in Germany

Wed, 11 Aug 2010 00:00:00 +0000

Somewhere in a field in deepest Germany, someone took this photo:

How to look good in photographs

Wed, 11 Aug 2010 00:00:00 +0000

Answer: Have the photo taken by a Panasonic micro four thirds camera, such as the GF1.

Forget about lighting and make-up, or even the fact that your face is often compared to the back end of a pig that has recently been involved in a serious road accident; all you need is a GF1.

Looking for Gypsy Boy

Mon, 09 Aug 2010 00:00:00 +0000

When I lived in Bangkok I would spend many a happy hour in the Kinokuniya bookshop. I would usually go home with a couple of selections, put them on the bookshelf, and then realise that I was too busy (playing computer games, chasing women, occasionally working) to make time for reading. But never mind, once I retired I would have more time.

Nowadays, I do have more time (no work and I am not allowed to chase women), and I am slowly working through the backlog. I occasionally add to my collection, but the bookstores in Pattaya are limited, and purchasing books from Amazon in the UK costs me more in postage than the price of the book.

A gift-free environment

Sun, 08 Aug 2010 00:00:00 +0000

Last week, she who must be obeyed switched on her solemn expression and said: “there is something I want to discuss with you”.

This has happened before, in fact it is a regular occurrence. The subject matter is invariably something intended to improve our lives; but it also is invariably something I can’t be arsed to do anything about.

A recent example was “I think we should go out on our bikes and exercise every day”. The appropriate response to this would be: “The bikes are in the basement covered in dust and with flat tyres. I would have to drag them up to the condo to clean them and apply oil to the chains (and my T-shirt and, inevitably, the cats), then we would go for a cycle and be attacked by soi dogs and get hot and sweaty and decide never to do it again”. But then she would accuse me of being negative and not being receptive to her suggestions, so I have learned that, in these circumstances, it is best to agree vigourously and suggest we start “tomorrow”. And as James Bond would tell you, tomorrow never comes.

You say tomatoes, I say aluminium

Sat, 07 Aug 2010 00:00:00 +0000

I find myself spending more and more time every week at NanoTrax. I am still shit at driving the radio controlled cars, but the racing is fun and the company is amusing; none more so than the owner, Q’on.

Q’on is American, and you don’t need to meet him to discover this. Only an American would write a report and describe someone being beaten in a race as being “pimp slapped” (which is not a term I have heard before but intend to use in future whenever I deem it appropriate).

Being British, I waste no time on berating him on his appalling mutilation of the English language. A favourite and obvious provocation is to ask him to pronounce aluminium. Of course he pronounces it “aluminum”, and would probably spell it that way if he could find an excuse to use it in a sentence. “If Chuck had used aluminum wheels he would not have gotten pimp slapped, y’all”.

This morning I was delight to discover that the aluminium/aluminum debate has spread wider than the confines of the NanoTrax club. Gizmodo has a report on The Greatest and Most Dramatic Wikipedia Edit Wars, and alumin(i)um is right up there alongside The (the) Beatles.

The latest entries are rather lacking in the professional niceties one would expect from academics.

No way Pattaya Somedays

Fri, 06 Aug 2010 00:00:00 +0000

If you are a reader of the comments on this organ, you will have noticed regular remarks by “genuinej”. It is interesting that, contrary to the standard laws of the universe, he has chosen a name that does not start with a capital letter; because his special interests are drinking, spelling, grammar and more drinking, and he is quick to point out what he believes to be errors; especially after six pints.

He obviously relishes his visits to Pattaya Days, maybe because there is so much to snipe at; and after a recent lapse in my posting frequency, he churlishly suggested that the site be renamed “Pattaya Somedays”.

Just another genuinej gibe and I forgot all about it. After all, the man is a model of physical perfection with a razor intellect, ready wit and a disarming smile. And he brings me chocolate eggs.

But Billy, another regular commenter, decided to embark upon some investigative journalism; and came up with this:

The photographer and the iPad

Wed, 04 Aug 2010 00:00:00 +0000

A five day road trip in Thailand may not be considered as a sufficiently robust test of the iPad as a photographer’s assistant; but it’s the best I can do unless someone is prepared to sponsor a six week tour of Iceland.

What you need:

A camera
An iPad
An iPad camera connection kit

The latter is a somewhat contentious add-on for the iPad. Some feel that a slot to read cards should be built into the device. I can see that this would require additional internal space, weaken the overall structure, and provide a second hole to fill up with dust. If I didn’t intend to use it, I would rather my iPad didn’t have it. So I am quite happy with the camera connection kit, I just think it should come free with the iPad.

What you get in the camera connection kit are two devices that plug into the iPad. One accepts the SD memory card found in most smaller cameras. The other one contains a USB port, into which you an plug a card reader for non-SD cards; such as the CF card I use in my Canon 1D. This device will also accept some other USB devices, including keyboards.

Too many wires

Wed, 04 Aug 2010 00:00:00 +0000

Any street in Thailand is a mess of telephone and electricity wires. It’s a mystery to me how they keep it all working (most of the time).

The wires are a necessary evil of life, but they do interfere if you want to parade large candles. The solution is men with long sticks.

Get out of jail free

Tue, 03 Aug 2010 00:00:00 +0000

My iPhone bores me.

Never thought I would say that. When I first got my hands on one, it was a delight. Neat web browsing, e-mail, and loads of nifty games to amuse me when I needed to be amused. And it served me well, until the iPad arrived. Then everything was possible in a larger scale, and lounging around with a big screen was always preferable to fiddling with a small screen.

The iPhone still serves when I am out and about; but all I use it for nowadays is web, mail and the argument-saving potential of the satnav and Google maps; and I could get all that on a cheaper Android phone. And on an Android phone I could create a wifi hot-spot and connect my iPad to the web in the middle of a field. But Apple doesn’t want me to do that.

The world of Apple mobile devices is a walled garden. You can only install the applications that Apple allows into their App store. The upside of this is that you know that the apps you download will work, and because this approach secures revenue for developers, there is a huge choice. The downside is that Apple may not want to let you do all the things you want to do. On balance, for me, the Apple walled garden was full of enough goodies to make me happy and I had no need to knock down the wall. Until I really wanted to increase the usefulness of my phone and turn it into a wifi hot-spot.

Cracking open an Apple device to make it available for applications outside of the Apple store is known as jailbreaking. I had jailbroken (probably not a word) my first iPhone and it was something of a challenge. You had to get your hands on the latest Apple firmware, download a cracking program, and then run it against the firmware package. This produced a revised firmware file, and all you had to do then was get it into your iPhone. Then came the clever bit; you had to put your phone into DFU mode. DFU is Device Firmware Update, although it should really be Doesn’t Fucking Understand; because it was a real pain to put the iPhone into DFU mode. You had to press combinations of buttons at precise time intervals; and if you got the combination or timing wrong, then you had to start all over again. The whole process took at least an hour and it was invariably stressful. Furthermore. not that it worried me, there were concerns that it was not legal.

In the last week, the jailbreaking world has changed. Firstly, the FCC in America have declared that jailbreaking is legal; so there is now no likelihood of being extradited to Guantanamo Bay for cracking open your phone. Secondly, a very smart group of hackers has produced a wonderfully simple jailbreaking tool. Here are the instructions:

Go to www.jailbreakme.com on your iPhone (Touch, Ipad)

One of those wasted evenings

Sun, 01 Aug 2010 00:00:00 +0000

The main candle festival procession was scheduled for Sunday morning; but there was something planned for the Saturday evening so we decided to check it out.

Had to leave early in order to find somewhere to park, then a long walk; but eventually we were jammed against a barrier opposite the VIP stand. It was going to be one hour wait, and then we discovered that it would be a two hour wait. Then it was delayed by a further 30 minutes; by which time my legs and back were aching and I was feeling pretty pissed off and wishing I was somewhere else. Then it started to rain.

Up with the umbrella and we took it in turns to hold it while the other took photos. I might as well not have bothered with the photo bit. The GF1 has an on-board flash, OK for close-up shots but no good for longer distances. She who must be obeyed has an external flash for her Olympus; but the best I could do was strap on the monster flash from my Canon. Plenty of power, but no communication with the camera; so everything had to be set manually and the usual result was disaster. One shot that I really liked, even though it was the result of substantial under-exposure.

Wax creations

Sat, 31 Jul 2010 00:00:00 +0000

Candle festivals were held all over Thailand last weekend; but the biggest, best and original gathering of candles can be found in Ubon Ratchathani. Temples from the city and surrounding regions compete for trophies which are then displayed in the temple in a very non-Buddhist fashion.

To create an entry capable of winning, a temple will need sponsorship to purchase the vast amounts of wax required. Less affluent temples are limited to a small display:

Distant rocks

Fri, 30 Jul 2010 00:00:00 +0000

If I had to rate the navigational skills of she who must be obeyed, I would give her a solid 9.9; out of ten thousand. Take her a kilometre away from home and she will never return without assistance. Ten minutes in a shopping mall and she will have no idea where the car is parked.

All the more surprising then, that when we were in her home town of Ubon Ratchahtani, she directed me down obscure side-streets in search of elusive shortcuts, and they all worked. She knew every road, every tiny sub soi; and always knew exactly where we were. I was extremely impressed and told her so in my usual charming way: “You are less crap than usual.”

So it was with some confidence that I accepted her proposal to make an afternoon visit to Sam Pan Bo, a collection of rocks a mere 70 kilometres away.

Two hours and 165 kilometres later, we arrived. Evening was approaching, there was a threat of rain, and there was no sign of the famous rocks. Apparently we had to take a boat, and the boat owner wanted 500 baht. Fortunately, we found some people to share the ride and soon we were standing on some rocks with holes in them. And that was the attraction, just some rocks with holes in them. Take a photo at sunrise or sunset and you might catch a red reflection in the water; but there was no sign of the setting sun. We had driven for two hours and taken an expensive boat ride to stand on some rocks which looked very similar to the rocks on my beach outside our condo.

In the midst of this natural wonder, there was one rock pool which was circular, with a couple of little pools on the side; such that it looked vaguely like the outline of a cartoon character. This was enough for the many other people who had been conned out of 500 baht for a ride in a boat; and a mass shriek of “Mickey Mouse! Mickey Mouse!” erupted, two fingers were raised, stupid grins put on faces, a happy memories of a mouse shaped pool moment were captured with cameras. I refused to indulge, although to be honest there was little else to photograph.

Prancing horse

Thu, 29 Jul 2010 00:00:00 +0000

A Canon 100-400mm lens will cost you around 60,000 baht and will fit in a rucksack. The Panasonic 45-200mm (effective 90-400mm on a M4/3 camera) will cost you around 12,000 baht and will fit in your pocket without anyone thinking you are pleased to see them.

Image quality is pretty good. The first of these shots is at 103mm, the second at 200mm. Panasonic GF1.

Prasat Muang Tam

Thu, 29 Jul 2010 00:00:00 +0000

Prasat Hin Phanom Rung

Wed, 28 Jul 2010 00:00:00 +0000

Homeward bound

Tue, 27 Jul 2010 00:00:00 +0000

Up early to watch the candle festival procession, then 400 kilometers down the road and now stopped for the night in Sa Kaeo.

Too tired to even look at the day’s photos. Home tomorrow and then beware of endless photo galleries.

Comments 🔗

2010-07-27 | wentworth says

Crushed. I’ve cancelled several appointments in anticipation of shots of the Paul the octopus float and what do I get? Promises. Promises can’t feed my addiction to photos of supposedly physic molluscs in giant candle form can they? I just hope that……actually I’m too upset to comment further at the moment I need to take some of those pills Lloyd gave me.

Big wick

Mon, 26 Jul 2010 00:00:00 +0000

The Ubon candle festival features a competition between temples in the region. You can imagine that the first competition was won by a single decorative candle carried by a monk. Then one temple had the idea of enhancing their candle with a tiny statue, and then the whole thing got out of hand; and now the winning entries need to be towed by a lorry, like this one:

Buffalo not in bits

Mon, 26 Jul 2010 00:00:00 +0000

Dancing in the dark

Mon, 26 Jul 2010 00:00:00 +0000

Buffalo bits

Sat, 24 Jul 2010 00:00:00 +0000

Travelling through the rice fields of Isaan, and my wife is keen to point out items of interest, none of which I can look at because I am concentrating on the road ahead. One of her observations is that the farming has become increasingly mechanised, but the number of buffaloes has not decreased.

Lanterns

Sat, 24 Jul 2010 00:00:00 +0000

This weekend marks the start of the candle festival in Ubon, and the streets are lit up this evening; although not with candles.

She likes it hard

Sat, 24 Jul 2010 00:00:00 +0000

She who must be obeyed likes it hard.

It took me a while to accommodate her desires, but now I like it hard too. Our mattress of choice is a Slumberland orthopedophile extra-hard concrete slab. For the first few days I found it hard (sic) to sleep and considered the mattress to be possible grounds for divorce. But once I was used to it, well, I need it hard every night.

A bit of Khmer

Fri, 23 Jul 2010 00:00:00 +0000

A couple of Khmer temples near Surin. More photos will be inflicted once I get home.

Cowboy of love

Fri, 23 Jul 2010 00:00:00 +0000

On the road to Surin and the last thing you expect is the cowboy of love….

Just a little obsessed

Thu, 22 Jul 2010 00:00:00 +0000

A week ago we went to see Inception for the first time.

The story, the questions, the various possibilities as to what was really going on, swam around in my head on Friday; and on Saturday I just had to go and see it again. Surprisingly, she who must be obeyed was happy for a return visit; even though she was comfortable to accept “the standard view” as to the storyline. We both enjoyed it just as much the second time, in fact I think I enjoyed it even more; freed from having to follow what the hell was going on, I was able to appreciate many of the little nuances that I missed the first time round.

The open road and an iPad

Thu, 22 Jul 2010 00:00:00 +0000

A long weekend is coming up, the roads will be jammed, an ideal time for staying at home.

But instead we are off on a road trip to places which will become evident when I blog about them. Photos will be loaded to the iPad and given a little processing if required. Words will be written in Pages, and when a suitable wifi service is encountered, photos will be uploaded to Flickr and words transferred to Wordpress. Eh Voila! A Pattaya Days post courtesy of the iPad.

The best just got better (probably)

Wed, 21 Jul 2010 00:00:00 +0000

If your funds, or your spouse, or your personal god, only allow the acquisition of a single, small camera; then I would unreservedly recommend the Panasonic LX3. Until today that is; because now I can’t recommend it any more. Panasonic have replaced it with the LX5 (the number four sounds similar to the word “death” in Japanese so they prefer not to use it, unless they are selling the Banzai Bazooka Widow Maker Mark 4).

Inception

Fri, 16 Jul 2010 00:00:00 +0000

Nine years ago I watched a low-budget movie called Memento. A man with no short term memory is trying to solve a murder. As he can’t remember what happened five minutes ago, he is easily confused. As the movie progresses in a series of scenes moving backwards in time, the viewer is as confused as the main protagonist; and only at the end (or rather, the beginning, which comes at the end); do we understand most of the story. Multiple viewings helped to fill in the some of the details; but movie forums were ablaze for years, arguing about the nuances of the story.

Super Kart Thailand

Sun, 11 Jul 2010 00:00:00 +0000

Up, up and away....boom!

Sat, 10 Jul 2010 00:00:00 +0000

Welcome to the Health and Safety preparedness meeting for the Kart Championship of Thailand. Can we talk about the starting ceremony? We have a lovely collection of hydrogen-filled balloons.

The rolling stock may be rubbish

Fri, 09 Jul 2010 00:00:00 +0000

But some of the stations are quite picturesque.

Night flowers

Thu, 08 Jul 2010 00:00:00 +0000

A worthwhile sporting event

Wed, 07 Jul 2010 00:00:00 +0000

It has been brought to my attention that there is a sporting event underway which has worldwide attention. It goes on for weeks and is being contested by sportsmen whose strength and stamina are almost beyond belief. Along with the sporting action, there are injuries, intrigue and deep strategy. It is totally absorbing and I am following the action whenever possible.

I am not, of course, referring to the World Cup of men chasing around a pitch for ninety minutes and then going to a night club. I am absorbed in the spectacle of more than a hundred athletes, battling on the roads and mountains of France for a couple of hundred kilometres every day for three weeks. C’est Le Tour de France.

Romance is not dead

Tue, 06 Jul 2010 00:00:00 +0000

Today is my wedding anniversary. I know this because ~~I have it recorded in my computer’s calendar~~ it is emblazoned onto my heart.

I was also reminded that today is a special day when she who must be obeyed presented me with an envelope. And not just any envelope; but a home-made envelope containing a home-made card.

Looking for a sales pitch

Mon, 05 Jul 2010 00:00:00 +0000

A rainy day, so an ideal time to visit some property developments and pour scorn where appropriate (Spoiler: it was appropriate everywhere).

Out of town and headed south. Much further south than their brochure would have you believe; but finally we arrived at The Beaches.

This project has been touted for years; but it really made headlines last year when one of the directors of the project made off with about a hundred million baht of deposits from eager investors. Of course the company t~~ook full responsibility and announced it would honour any contracts~~ distanced themselves from their director and told the customers to sue the thief directly.

Since then, all has been quiet, so it seemed time to go and check out progress. There will be hotels, condominiums, a water park, spa, tennis academy and a host of other world-class features. After a year of construction, maybe some of these facilities would be nearing completion?

In summary, no. In detail, there were some workers moving around some mud; but as all this was happening in the vicinity of the sales office it was not clear whether the mud was being moved for show or as part of the very early stages of construction.

Sunday morning shoot

Sun, 04 Jul 2010 00:00:00 +0000

As previously explained, the trigger for writing my photo guide was Albert, who had acquired cameras for himself and his wife, and wanted to know how to use them.

He had worked through the guide, pretended it was useful, and so today we decided we would all go out for a practice shoot. It was a Micro 4/3 only gathering:

Media distractions

Sat, 03 Jul 2010 00:00:00 +0000

My recent bout of man flu (recovered now, thanks for asking) meant that my usual routine of jousting, extreme rock climbing and midnight street luge had to be put on hold, and I was reduced to reclining in front of a monitor and allowing it to feed me flickering images of entertainment.

There was one particular movie I was keen to watch; but my usual torrent based supply kept feeding me junk files which were probably intended to infect a Windows machine; but on a Mac they just made it clear that what I had was not a movie. Eventually I did what I have never done before, I went to iTunes and gave that very nice Mr. Jobs $3.99 for the privilege of renting an HD movie. Had to leave it overnight to download; but the actual HD movie experience was excellent and it seemed a reasonable price to pay. I shall rent again.

A labour of love

Thu, 01 Jul 2010 00:00:00 +0000

Tens hours today, and I have forgotten how many in previous days, but at last it is finished.

I am of course referring to the never-requested, rarely-required, totally unnecessary Pattaya Days Starter Guide to Photography.

If you are already familiar with using a camera, you don’t need it.

If you have no idea how a camera will work, it will probably just confuse you.

If you really know about photography, you will no doubt spot errors and misrepresentation.

Photography Guide

Thu, 01 Jul 2010 00:00:00 +0000

The Pattaya Days Starter Guide to Photography

Version 2, September 2011

So I have produced a guide for those who want to learn these basics. What’s the difference between shutter and aperture? What’s ISO and why should you care? What are the best settings to capture a building or a bouncy child? How can I photograph fireworks? All this, and much more, is contained in the guide.

The guide is in PDF format and can be downloaded here.

Once you have read the 70+ pages of this guide, you will have a clear understanding of how to get the best out of your camera. How much is this worth to you? If “bugger all” is your answer, then I am sorry for wasting your time. Otherwise a donation of around $5 would help recompense for the time and effort that I put in to creating it. Thank you. [paypal-donation]

Please leave any comments and suggestions for improvement via the Contact page.

“I found your guide very useful” - A monkey

Creative diversions

Tue, 29 Jun 2010 00:00:00 +0000

My idea to produce a photography guide is getting a little out of hand, and it’s all Albert’s fault.

He came round last weekend to ask some questions about cameras. He was planning a purchase and foolishly thought I knew enough to give an opinion. Of course, my current enthusiasms meant that I strongly recommended a Micro 4/3s camera, such as the Panasonic GF1 or Olympus EPL-1. Apparently I was convincing because today he went to Bangkok and bought both! Good man, he won’t regret it (or at least I hope he doesn’t or else I am in deep shit).

During our chat he was honest enough to admit that he knows bugger all about how a camera works, other than you turn it on, point it at something and then press a button. He wants to learn how to use his new cameras properly, and I want to help him So I kicked off the idea that had been brewing for a while, a guide to the basics of photography.

And, with breaks for essential shopping and popping down to immigration to make my pointless 90 day report, I have been working on it for the last two days. I even went out to a temple yesterday to take some illustrative photos. These two show the impact on depth of field from using apertures F2 and F8 (if it is not clear which is which, you need the guide).

I-Spy a lighthouse

Sun, 27 Jun 2010 00:00:00 +0000

When I was eight I fell in love for the first time. Her name was Mary and there was little doubt that we would spend the rest of our lives together. I recall walking down a beach in the moonlight singing choruses from the musical, South Pacific. Very romantic, except Mary wasn’t with me; I was far too shy to proclaim my passion.

The years passed and, even as life became more complicated with the arrival of spots and hormones, Mary lingered in my memory as an example of female perfection. Finally, in my late teens, we met again. I’ll admit I was excited at the prospect. Maybe we would finally walk hand in hand down that beach in the moonlight, (although the music would have to be updated), and then we could practice some of those things I had recently learned that you could do with girls.

But Mary was a disappointment. The flaxen-haired waif of my childhood had grown up; but had also grown out to an alarming proportion. Her spots were of higher density than mine and her hair appeared to have been treated with lard. But worst of all, she was an I-Spy fanatic.

I-Spy books were a fad in the UK for many years. Your parents would buy you a little book called I-Spy On a Car Journey, with the hope you would spend the entire five hour trip to your Granny staring out the window looking for some object that you could then tick off in your I-Spy book; rather than asking “are we there yet?” every five minutes and your parents thinking “shut the fuck up”. There was I-Spy Birds, I-Spy Flags and I-Spy Pedophiles (or at least there should have been).

The object was to tick everything in the book and then send it off to Big Chief I-Spy who would send you back a feather and a piece of paper which purported to be an “order of merit”, but which actually announced “you’re a wanker”.

I-Spy was fun when you were in primary school; but they soon became boring and you ended up just ticking everything and sending it off to get the feather. By mid-teens you would openly mock anyone with an I-Spy book. So to discover that your dream girl was carrying round the complete set of I-Spy books in a small satchel and was keen to discuss her latest sightings, rather than handing out pills and suggesting we go back to her place and get laid; well, it would be an understatement to say I was disappointed. Mind you, had she offered me a pill and some sex I would not have been able to cope; but at least she would have garnered some respect.

Since that time, I have developed a sneering disrespect for the spotter community; so that would include anyone who bought this book:

Cut off

Sat, 26 Jun 2010 00:00:00 +0000

Woke to no internet yesterday morning. Disaster.

It has been some three months since I had my condo unit rewired to the telephone junction box on the edge of our condo, and since that time the wide wide world of web has been presenting itself on our various screens with a pleasing reliability. Until yesterday.

Tried calling my internet provider but the line was busy; so sent them a “please help me” e-mail via my phone and before long they were calling me and being sympathetic. But they couldn’t do anything because it was a line problem, which meant placing it in the not at all reliable hands of TT&T who operate the phone lines. I was assured that TT&T would phone me back; but of course they didn’t and the day was spent firing off “what the fuck is going on with my problem” e-mails and receiving solicitous but useless responses.

Still, in the absence of internet, I decided to embark upon my latest and greatest project, The Spike guide to how cameras work (tm). Attend any photogenic event and it is noticeable how many more people are carrying around DSLR cameras. Such cameras offer the opportunity to creatively control how the camera is operated; rather than just pointing and shooting. But check how most of these cameras are being used and you find they are set on auto mode; because the owner does not know enough about basic camera settings; and the 74 page, badly written manual is no help. These people have wasted their money and need guidance.

Enter The Spike guide to how cameras work (tm). An as yet to be decided number of page manual which will tell you how to use the features of your shiny new toy to ensure you capture the images you want; rather than a blurry blobby mess (unless you were aiming for the blurry blobby mess look).

In the tradition of all great designers. I started with a blank piece of paper. Not in the tradition of all great designers, a cat came and lay on my blank piece of paper, so I fired up Keynote and used that instead. Fiddled around for a while and then decided I needed a side-on shot of a camera. In the absence of the opportunity to steal one from the internet, it was out to the balcony to take a photo of one camera with another camera, whilst fighting off the cat which had temporarily abandoned the piece of paper to jostle for inclusion in the camera shot. Then I needed a photo of a control wheel, so more photography took place; and eventually I had a few pages which looked something like this:

Wall art

Thu, 24 Jun 2010 00:00:00 +0000

The youth of Pattaya are no angels. A popular way of being rebellious is to join a gang, drive around on scooters, and shoot guns at other gangs. Thankfully this tends to happen when most of us are safely tucked up in bed, even if in some cases (hello Ghost) it is another person’s bed. But you won’t find groups hanging around corners, playing at being intimidating; and acts of vandalism are rare. Graffiti, for example, is rarely seen.

But if the local lads with spray cans discover an abandoned building…..

Coming back to life

Wed, 23 Jun 2010 00:00:00 +0000

After ten days of feeling like shit, I awoke this morning with almost a spring in my step and a considerably reduced flow of unpleasant substances from the nasal area. Not quite up to windsurfing, which was a shame because it was windy, but how about a little stroll with the wife?

The wife agreed, and this afternoon we headed out to Nong Nuch to wander around, have a cup of coffee and take a few photos. She who must be obeyed had not bothered to charge her camera battery since returning from our trip to Loei, so the photo session was rather short; and the light was awful. Still, just to prove that I went out of the house:

We're all going to die

Mon, 21 Jun 2010 00:00:00 +0000

Some time ago, I read the not at all pithily titled Crossing The Rubicon: The Decline of the American Empire at the End of the Age of Oil. The book highlighted the coming of peak oil (“the point in time when the maximum rate of global petroleum extraction is reached, after which the rate of production enters terminal decline”), and argued, amongst other things, that the American government was complicit in 9/11 to justify the subsequent invasion of Iraq as part of a move to secure oil supplies. There was something about the CIA and drug money and a whole lot of other stuff which I can’t remember. But I do recall it was a good read and every claim was substantially supported (it was a very thick book).

The author was Michael C. Ruppert and he went on to predict the global financial crisis, a couple of years before it happened. Now there is a documentary called Collapse. It’s about 90 minutes of Ruppert sitting in a cellar, chain smoking and telling us in how many ways we are screwed.

The core argument continues to be peak oil. First he spends some time reinforcing how our current lifestyles would cease to exist without the black sticky stuff. He debunks alternative sources of energy and highlights the increasingly difficult search for new reserves. He is convinced that peak oil is almost upon us (there again, he used to be similarly convinced that it would arrive in 2008, and it didn’t).

There is a discussion on the world economy which he reckons relies on continual growth; an impossibility in a time of increasingly expensive oil.

Then he flashes up a slide of world population growth which looked something like this:

Why Scottish people should not be allowed to have iPads

Mon, 21 Jun 2010 00:00:00 +0000

Comments 🔗

2010-06-21 | TT says

For a Guff you do have a sense of humour and good on you sunshine. However, I feel that in short order you are liable to be in more poo poo than those two red shirted foreign twats.

Why?. Cos’ now you’ve shown us how to wire it up I’m going to keep all the neighbours awake all night listening to Pee Scot. And when the plods turn up (Wearing ear protection), I’m gonna grass you up straight up. So there.

Coping with man flu

Sat, 19 Jun 2010 00:00:00 +0000

Both sexes have afflictions they could do without. Women have a monthly event which I prefer not to consider in too much detail; but I know that it makes she who must be obeyed a little grumpy for a day or so; and she complains about back pains; but then women are so weak compared to us men. They even moan about popping out an occasional baby, how hard can that be? You should see what I delivered to the toilet bowl last week; or perhaps you shouldn’t.

Homeward bound

Thu, 17 Jun 2010 00:00:00 +0000

A hot and tiring morning at the festival, and after coffee and food we return to the resort where we are booked to stay for a second night. Trouble is, there is nothing else we want to do around Dan Sai, so we get some sort of value from our booking by making full use of the bathroom, check out, and hit the road. A sort of a plan to check out the dok krachiao flowers near Chaiyaphum collapses when we realise that we will arrive too late. So what to do? Drive all the way home was the answer, and some 600 kilometres later we were back in Pattaya; conveniently just in time for the Canadian Grand Prix.

It was fun taking photographs with she who must be obeyed. Now she has her own, decent, camera; she is happy to wander around places that would previously have bored her. The only downside is that she has liberated my zoom lens, leaving me to use my 40mm fixed lens for almost every shot. But in a way it is liberating to be restricted in this way and I don’t feel I missed much. Certainly didn’t miss carrying around a DSLR, I am seriously considering selling all my Canon equipment.

We didn’t get lost as much as I thought we would, and she who must be obeyed kept me awake on the drive home by playing excerpts from Eddie Izzard concerts on YouTube and stuffing a steady supply of snacks into my mouth; you couldn’t ask for better support.

A good trip, although the mini-adventure has left me with man-flu, so it feels like death is near. Goodbye cruel world etc.

One final shot from the weekend:

Lost in translation

Thu, 17 Jun 2010 00:00:00 +0000

This from Reuters, hard to believe that something didn’t go wrong with the translation:

German student attacks Hell’s Angels with puppy

A German student created a major traffic jam in Bavaria after making a rude gesture at a group of Hell’s Angels motorcycle gang members, hurling a puppy at them and then escaping on a stolen bulldozer.

German police said on Monday that after making his getaway from the Hell’s Angels club, the 26-year-old dumped the bulldozer, causing a 5 km (3 miles) traffic jam near the southern town of Allershausen, local police said. He then fled to his home nearby where he was apprehended by the police.

I don't see dead people

Wed, 16 Jun 2010 00:00:00 +0000

An innovative use of the emergency services

Tue, 15 Jun 2010 00:00:00 +0000

Up bright and early (by my standards) for our drive from Ayutthaya to Dan Sai. But first we had to source a vital snack.

It is a given that, when travelling with a Thai, stocking up with snacks is as important as filling the tank with fuel. But we weren’t looking for any old snack, we needed to buy from the best roti samai shop in Ayutthaya.

Roti Samai can best be described as a candy floss wrapped in a thin pancake. It should be slightly crispy when you first chew on it, and then it should just melt in your mouth. Usually, this doesn’t happen. But there is one stall, out of at least a hundred Roti Samai stalls, inexplicably situated opposite the hospital in Ayutthaya , that gets it just right. She who must be obeyed knew exactly where to go, but so did everyone else; so when we had visited the previous evening, they had sold out. But early on Saturday morning, production was underway…..

Football can fuck off

Tue, 15 Jun 2010 00:00:00 +0000

It’s always a good time to not be in the UK, but the period around the World Cup is an especially excellent time not to be there.

I have already (thankfully) missed the months of build-up where endless pundits bleat on about how this time it will be different, really in with a chance, this might be the one etc. etc. ad nauseam. Then the competition starts and something woeful happens, like failing to beat a nation who doesn’t even play football to any extent; and the moaning and recriminations start; and continue until the England team are eliminated and slope off home in disgrace.

I don’t watch television and I don’t read a newspaper; so by being selective with my on-line reading I can pretty much avoid the whole nonsense; although occasionally I am reminded that something is going on.

A lot of bricks

Mon, 14 Jun 2010 00:00:00 +0000

The objective of our road trip was to attend the ghost festival in Dan Sai; about which, more later. Dan Sai is a zillion kilometres away in the north of Thailand, so we decided we should make the trip over two days. She who must be obeyed was in charge of navigation and accommodation arrangements. I feared that her lack of skills in the former would lead to an inability to find the latter; but I let her get one with it and she decreed that we would be staying in Ayutthaya overnight.

The cats were not enthusiastic about our departure , and endeavoured to keep us at home by using the “sitting next to the luggage and looking mournful” strategy, which almost worked.

Road trip

Thu, 10 Jun 2010 00:00:00 +0000

Off on a road trip for a few days. Had planned to take the iPad and use it to process photos and update this site; but she who must be obeyed has informed me that we are travelling like backpackers, although I bet that does not extend to her cosmetics collection.

So, will be maintaining radio silence till early next week. Toodle pip!

Comments 🔗

2010-06-10 | genuinej says

Very bad timing, methinks. Stanley’s already away, Mobi seems to have gone AWOL, or is pissed up somewhere, and now you! What are we to do??? Have a good trip.

Urban lizard

Thu, 10 Jun 2010 00:00:00 +0000

Leaving breakfast this morning and she who must be obeyed is suddenly down on her knees and wielding her camera. The result is most pleasing, a shot I wish I had taken.

A box of tissues and a new iPhone

Wed, 09 Jun 2010 00:00:00 +0000

There are many situations that men find hard to deal with. Clothes shopping, peeing at a public urinal when there is only one vacant stall, marriage. But the most difficult of all is a weeping woman.

A crying female indicates that there are emotions involved, and we men are not so good when it comes to dealing with emotions; at least I’m not. I prefer to operate in an emotion-free zone. I am, after all, British.

Not a sexually transmitted disease

Tue, 08 Jun 2010 00:00:00 +0000

Hi, I’m home!

How was the trip to Bangkok?

Great, I went to Panthip Plaza and got an SSD.

What?!! How can you? Who did you see to get that? Don’t give me that nonsense about catching it off a toilet seat!

?????

Have you been to the doctor? Is there a rash? Can I catch it?

????

I can’t believe my husband has caught an STD.

Oh. Not STD, SSD! A solid-state drive. Oh. OK.

Ocean 1; what is going on?

Mon, 07 Jun 2010 00:00:00 +0000

Buggered if I know.

The last post on the subject, received comments to the effect that negotiations were in progress with Pan-China Construction Group. I understand that, following negotiations, a contract was signed at the end of March and that the first payment from the construction company was due to be paid on the 29th April. Once this was received, Siam Best Enterprises would announce the revival of the project.

Three kilometres of shite

Sun, 06 Jun 2010 00:00:00 +0000

When it comes to meaningless achievements, the powers that rule Pattaya are on the ball (sadly they are not so hot on things like roads and water supply). Fresh from several kilometres of washed plates, we now have the longest shopping street. Not clear whether this the longest shopping street in Pattaya or the longest shopping street in the universe; but either way it has been a pain in the arse all weekend.

The idea, which was admirable, was to provide an outlet for the small traders in Bangkok who had been impacted by the riots. Sadly, the targeted traders appear to have been those who specialised in the peddling of junk. Three kilometres of stalls selling snacks, flimsy shoes and endless rubbish clothing. The fall-out from this event was hours of snarled up traffic, and bewildered prostitutes who found their usual hunting ground taken over by shops. They could still be seen trying to make a pitch: “you don’t want that T-shirt, how about a shag instead?”.

Rather valiantly (I thought), I offered to take she who must be obeyed to the “shop on the beach spectacular”. Of course she agreed and we spent a couple of hours fighting our way through the crowds. It is a measure of the crap on offer that even my shopping-obsessed wife found nothing that took her fancy. She was so disappointed that she had to cheer herself up with a trip to Theppasit market in the evening where the rubbish was more to her liking.

Sorry about your problems Bangkok traders; but please keep your crap to yourself.

Make mine a cha chuck

Sat, 05 Jun 2010 00:00:00 +0000

When I lived in Kuala Lumpur, my favourite eating experience was to head down to the Indian area of Brickfields and indulge myself with several pieces of roti bread which were then dipped in a fish curry sauce. Delicious, and best washed down with a glass of teh tarik; tea and condensed milk which is made extra foamy by being poured between two jugs, several times and at an increasing distance.

Today we found a stall selling teh tarik; although here they call it cha chuck, which sounds like a more appropriate name to an English speaker.

If looks could kill

Fri, 04 Jun 2010 00:00:00 +0000

“You bastard, how could you do this to me?”

But wait, it gets worse.

Thu, 03 Jun 2010 00:00:00 +0000

GT40 fail

Thu, 03 Jun 2010 00:00:00 +0000

When I was a lad, I would drag my father to our local racing circuit where he would retire to the beer tent and I would be left to drool over the racing machinery. One car stood out from all the others; the purposefully beautiful, outrageously fast and gorgeously loud Ford GT40.

What's the password?

Wed, 02 Jun 2010 00:00:00 +0000

My earliest recollections of accessing the wide wide world of web involved dialing into somewhere in another galaxy; waiting forever for a connection; and then keying in a user name and a password which I kept on a piece of card (which I regularly mislaid). If I could find the card, and make it as far as the keying in step; then I might be rewarded with a steam-powered visit to the web. In those days the web was only available in green (or maybe it was just my monitor), but at least there was only one password to write on the piece of card.

Cover shot

Tue, 01 Jun 2010 00:00:00 +0000

By no means my best windsurfing photo, but they liked the fact that there are buildings visible in the background.

Is it safe to come out now?

Mon, 31 May 2010 00:00:00 +0000

After more than a week of Jeff mania, life appears to be returning to normal.

An evening walk

Fri, 28 May 2010 00:00:00 +0000

Buddha days crop up on a regular basis and are marked around our way by some prayers and a circumnavigation of the local Buddha. I have almost certainly posted photos before on this event, and the offerings from this evening are not as crisp as previous shoots, because I did not have use of a tripod.

It’s not that I forgot my tripod, it’s just that she who must be obeyed had her new camera and wanted to take some shots, so it seemed only decent to let her use it. I had to prop my camera against a convenient statue; only to discover she was intruding into my frame:

Ignoring government advice

Thu, 27 May 2010 00:00:00 +0000

The British government’s latest travel advisory for Thailand states: “We are now advising against all but essential travel to Bangkok.”

I had a lens which was acting up and decided it was essential that I have it attended to; so off we go to Bangkok this morning. Park at The Emporium and then skytrain to the Canon repair centre where I tell them the problem, they tell me the diaphragm is sticking and needs replacing. That will be 7,000 baht please and come back in a couple of weeks. Painful.

Decide to pop into Panthip and spend a fruitless hour trying to track down a copy of Red Dead Redemption, the latest and greatest from Rockstar Games. No luck, but my journey does take me past Central World where I take a few shots. Rather depressing, but it’s only a building and can be replaced, unlike the 80+ people who died.

Buying my iPad was a mistake

Wed, 26 May 2010 00:00:00 +0000

Never thought I would write that, but it’s true. After a month or so of blissful usage, it is dawning on me that I made a error of judgement. I should have bought a model with more storage.

So far, 16GB has been enough. I stream video using AirVideo, so no need to hold any video on the device. I use Pandora Radio to listen to music and discover new bands, so have little of my own music installed. The only significant consumer of storage has been the large number of applications I have acquired; so now I only have 10GB free. But since I have discovered magazines, my remaining storage is under threat.

An application called Zinio offers a wide range of publications. I have always enjoyed the photographs and articles in National Geographic, but at 275 baht for a copy in Thailand, it is an occasional pleasure. A year’s subscription on the iPad works out at 45 baht an issue and comes with videos in support of some of the articles. Maxim, the magazine for boys of all ages, is 365 baht from a book shop, 28 baht from Zimio. Rolling Stone is 55 baht. They are ridiculously cheap, and of course they all look great on the iPad, and are easy to read with zooming and scrolling.

Good as they are, they are rather overshadowed by the first iPad edition of *Wired *magazine which was released today.

The bad news is that it is relatively expensive at about 160 baht a copy; although that is still less than half of the Thailand newsstand price. And at half a gigabyte; it is a big download and a substantial consumer of storage.

The good news is that this is the first magazine to really take advantage of the medium. The other magazines are just digital copies of the original, with a few added goodies. Wired gives you a completely different experience from the printed version.

There are simple things like choosing from a selection of photos:

A heartening sight

Mon, 24 May 2010 00:00:00 +0000

Last week I was extolling the virtues of Guardian Eyewitness and their extremely sad photo of Rama IV under siege. Today they have a more uplifting offering:

A white pen

Mon, 24 May 2010 00:00:00 +0000

She who must be obeyed has a plan. It is probably a cunning plan, but I have yet to fully understand it. It involves the internet and photographs and making money; and she is currently in the research phase which involves buying several books in Thai about a variety of subjects and not really reading any of them.

But she did decide that she needed a camera. We have many cameras or, more precisely, I have many cameras. I grudgingly allow her to use one of my older models until I decide I need it back for some purpose (the purpose being to ensure that she does not assume ownership).

So she decided to purchase a camera of her own and there was little doubt which one she would choose. When I was considering a move into micro four thirds, the choice was between a Panasonic GF1 and an Olympus EP1. Not much to choose between them, but I went for the GF1 because I really wanted the lens that comes with it. But she was sold on the EP1, because it looked so good.

Last night we walked past a shop selling the EP1 at 10% discount, plus 3,000 baht off. Most importantly, it was the white model which is the colour she wanted. And now it is ~~ours~~ hers.

Wiring and blue lights

Mon, 24 May 2010 00:00:00 +0000

Another day, another new property development

Sun, 23 May 2010 00:00:00 +0000

Some reasons not to undertake property development in Pattaya right now:

Civil unrest

A saturated housing market where nothing is selling

Obscene exchange rates

But I must be too pessimistic, because there are a rash of new developers spending money on posters, brochures and fancy sales offices, hoping to persuade punters to part with some cash; after which they may or may not start to build something.

Took she who must be obeyed to Starbucks in Central Beach Road a couple of days ago and discovered that a nearby unit had been converted to a swanky sales office for a development called The Koral.

Sticking the word “the” in front of a a random word is the latest trend from property developers, desperate to come up with a name which will hint at opulence and exclusivity. Naming a development “Crumbling Towers” doesn’t say much, but “The Crumbling Towers” tells the world that this is the special crumbling towers; out of all the crumbling towers on offer, this is the one. Utter bollocks of course.

Substituting a K for a C in a word is a currently cool (sorry, kurrently kool) thing to do; as in Mortal Kombat (computer game) and Korea (Editor: are you sure you have your facts right? If so, kool).

And so we have The Koral, which is already sufficient reason for not wanting to live there.

But the brochure was opulent; printed on thick, quality paper in full colour and stuffed with computer generated images, illustrating what The Koral will look like should they ever get round to building it. And with encouraging text written in English; sort of. It starts with “Millions of travelers from around the world know Pattaya as a city of vibrant.” No, I didn’t leave a word out; they did. And there is more. “Uniquely design for timeless style”. “As you step out the landscape is surrounded minimal tropical garden”. The lovely, expensive brochure, clearly designed for attracting English speaking customer, is grammatically buggered.

Why do they do this? How hard would it be to have the wording checked by a native English speaker before printing? For goodness sake, they could just walk up to someone and ask them to take a look.

Hello, do you speak English

Yeah. But. No. But. Yeah

Can you check our slogan please? It’s: “Luxury living in the beach lifestyle”.

Nah, that’s no good, innit. Wanna use “Buy this condo you fucker or we’ll come and burn the fucker down. Fucker”

Thank you for the correction. What’s your name by the way?

Jeff Savage, innit.

OK, so the name is crap and the brochure is flawed, but the actual show units were rather pleasant. Good use of space and the view out the front across beach road was OK. “I’ll take this one, I like the view”, I told the flustered sales girl. “No, no, no, you have to see real site” she said.

So I looked in the brochure, and this was the view:

Pattaya pussy

Sat, 22 May 2010 00:00:00 +0000

The antics of Mr. Jeff Savage were of sufficient interest to make yesterday the busiest day ever for Pattaya Days. Not that that is saying much; and rather sad that it should take the antics of a dickhead to draw in the crowds, rather than perhaps a beautifully written analysis of the role of post-modernism in the culture of Eastern Europe (under preparation, watch this space, don’t hold your breath).

It seems appropriate that I should follow up on yesterday’s media success with a post bearing a title that will attract a large number of punters, and a content that will please nobody (apart from genuinej, who has been pleading for more pussy shots for some time).

Not enough balls

Thu, 20 May 2010 00:00:00 +0000

The Boston Globe’s The Big Picture is a regularly updated web gallery of photographs. A gentleman by the name of Alan Taylor chooses the subjects, sources the photos, and the collections are invariably stunning.

Today’s offering is the Bangkok crackdown and the photo selection is impressive, sobering and sad:

Not surprising to see that most of the photographers are Thai, there are some great photographers in this country. And, given that it takes more balls than I could ever muster to put yourself in the middle of a riot, I offer them my profound admiration.

Spike fiddling while Bangkok burns

Wed, 19 May 2010 00:00:00 +0000

Well, not exactly fiddling, but called to Bira to take some shots of the usual suspects.

Strange fruit and petty resentment

Tue, 18 May 2010 00:00:00 +0000

When I lived in Aberdeen I decided to start up a little business, renting out equipment to the rapidly expanding housing market. The company was appropriately, if unimaginatively, named “Aberdeen Home and Garden Equipment Hire”; but I was quite proud of our slogan: “Setting a hire standard”.

We rented out mowers, rotavators, small cement mixers, ladders; the sort of equipment a home owner might want to use on an occasional basis but was not wanting to buy. “We” was me, and I had to juggle a job with an oil company with the delivery and collection of rental equipment. This often involved Sunday lunch being interrupted by a call to come fix a belt on a rotavator, or to satisfy an urgent request for a ladder (another grandmother stuck up a tree).

Customers were generally friendly and decent, apart from one prick who refused to pay for an extension of hire. I immediately wished him dead. Long after I gave up the company (I had to chose between oil and lawn mowers, the oil won), I kept the culprit’s name and address on file and plotted ways of making him suffer. Even now I bear him ill-will.

In short, once I have decided I don’t like someone for what I consider to be valid reason, then it is for life. Of course this is not a healthy attitude, but it can prove useful on occasions. Like yesterday for example.

Two years ago I was dragged along on a trip to a durian farm. It was not the best of days and I was no rush to repeat it. Fortunately, since that time I have added another name to my (very short) list of people I want nothing to do with. I shall not go into the reasons, just to say that there is a certain gentleman of Italian extraction that I never wish to speak to again.

So when the next durian farm adventure was planned, and he was to be one of the attendees, she who must be obeyed knew it was a lost cause to get me to come along.

We are going to the durian farm again, do you want to come? (small hopeful voice). Will (insert name of Italian gentleman, registered on list of people I want nothing to do with) be there? Yes. I am not going. You should forgive him. Never forgive, never forget (especially if it gets you out of durian farm trips).

And so I didn’t go, and judging by the state of my beloved upon her return, it was just as well. She was sweaty and exhausted and desperately in need of a shower. But of course she came home bearing fruit, and my back passage is currently stuffed with seventeen smelly durian, one of which is reserved for genuinej’s back passage. The other sixteen are for inserting into that fucker in Aberdeen who still owes me money.

No way am I going to eat any, but they are weird enough to warrant a photograph or six.

Beyond the point of no return

Mon, 17 May 2010 00:00:00 +0000

One of the applications on my iPad that I visit daily is a collaboration between The Guardian newspaper and Canon. Called Guardian Eyewitness, it features a new photo almost every day, with a caption describing the photo, plus “pro tips” on how to take such a photo. These tips are usually useful, although there are exceptions, such as this:

Pattaya international arm wrestling championship 2010

Sun, 16 May 2010 00:00:00 +0000

Thanks for the suggestions as to the reasons for yesterday’s pain. They were all entrants in the magnificent Pattaya arm-wrestling competition which is running at Royal Garden Plaza this weekend.

As usual, there were no clear indications as to when the event might start, so I rolled up around 1230 to find that there many contestants and a couple of men shouting into microphones. Thought there might be time for a quick sandwich and a coffee at The Coffee Club. There was, in fact there was time for a five course meal and an afternoon nap; because the preparations were endless. Everyone had to go in a draw to find out who they were wrestling. Then we had a crap demonstration of martial arts. Then the mayor stood up and made a speech to apologise about the mess on Thappraya road (dream on), and various other people felt the need to say something. Time to start? No; now it was time for the contestants to parade in front of the crowd and flex their muscles.

Finally, at nearly 15:00, the first two wrestlers took to the stage. And then they stood around for twenty minutes while the rules were explained. By this time I had a headache from the endless shouting interspersed with rubbish techno music and I just wanted to go home and lie down. Took a few shots first. It’s on again this afternoon starting at 14:30, which means sometime after 16:00. I won’t be there.

Faces of pain

Sat, 15 May 2010 00:00:00 +0000

Why?

Answer tomorrow. Most amusing suggestion in the meantime wins a prize.

Residential preferences

Sat, 15 May 2010 00:00:00 +0000

Breakfast with she who must be obeyed before she heads off for work.

As usual, she worries about things more than she should, and is currently fretting about the red shirt debacle in Bangkok. What if the country descends into civil war, where would we go? My view was that we would go nowhere and our condo would be as safe as anywhere else; especially as “civil war” would most likely consist of army factions fighting each other in a localised way. and the locales would not include the street outside our condo.

The great Sunlight scandal

Thu, 13 May 2010 00:00:00 +0000

The Guinness book of records has been published for more than forty years. It used to be a useful compendium of facts about nature and the noble achievements of mankind; nowadays it is mainly bollocks. The longest ear hair, the most glasses balanced on the chin, the longest string of dirty dishes washed with one bottle of detergent.

Hang on, that last one sounds interesting. The record was set in the Philippines in 1999 when 8,754 plates were washed and placed end to end over a distance of 2.2 kilometres. Now that’s what I call an achievement.

Enter the proud city of Pattaya. Ever keen to organise events which will have zero impact on tourist numbers whilst providing copy for the local papers, the deputy major announced that a record breaking attempt would be held from the 26-30th April. Also, please welcome Unilever, who are going to supply the single 875cc bottle of Sunlight detergent which will be used to wash the planned 10,000 dishes.

Not as exciting as an ear hair challenge, but your fearless correspondent was determined to capture the sights, sounds and smells of thousands of dirty dishes getting the Sunlight treatment. So she who must be obeyed was tasked with finding out more about the event (like exactly where and exactly when). And she found out nothing. She even rang the hotel that was meant to be directly involved (perhaps providing the dirty dishes), and they knew nothing about it.

Filed under another cocked-up local event and forgotten; until this morning when I saw this:

Eve of destruction

Wed, 12 May 2010 00:00:00 +0000

Sorry I have not been posting for a couple of days. I have been away, hanging out in Baviasi which, as I am sure you know, is in the Tash Murkon region of the Arvachah constellation. Still lost? Me too.

MMORPG is an LLA (ludicrously long acronym). It stands for “massively multi-player online role-playing game”, and the biggest by far is World of Warcraft. More than eleven million people around the world pay good money every month to stomp around in an on-line imaginary world. That covers the “massively multi-player” bit. As for the role playing; well you decide to be an Orc or an Elf or something else that sounds like it comes from a kid’s fairytale book, and looks like an unlikely genetic cross between a circus clown and Thomas the Tank Engine. And then you then spend hours collecting things, killing monsters and visiting cities to do a bit of shopping. Just like real life really, apart from the killing monsters bit.

The more you play, the more you progress in skills and wealth, and so you gain levels which give you access to more skills and wealth, bigger monsters etc. Once you have played for a year or so, you realise you are just doing the same thing all the time, just at higher and higher levels; and then you stop. At least I did, although I will admit it was difficult to walk away from a character I had spent so much time and effort in developing. There is a communal aspect to this too. To take on the more difficult quests, you need a team of people to work with online. So you have to walk away from them too.

But I did manage to break the 2-3 hours a night habit and vowed I would never get myself sucked into one of these time and money wasters again. And I didn’t. Then last week I had an email from a friend in America, pointing me towards Eve Online. I should have deleted his mail, but curiosity got the better of me.

Eve Online is another MMORPG. Unlike World of Warcraft, which a child of ten can probably pick up in an hour or so, Eve Online is a frighteningly complex challenge which a child of ten will take weeks to understand, and a child of my age may never be able to get to grips with. To get you started there are a several days worth of tutorial missions and I have spent several hours playing the first few and I feel like I have not even scratched the surface of how this thing works.

This is my ship. I shall call it “The Doomed”:

Goodbye helmetcam, hello something else cam

Sun, 09 May 2010 00:00:00 +0000

All three of our regular readers may recall the most excellent helmetcam; an exotic blend of bicycle helmet and camera with which I planned to make the definitive windsurfing movie.

Didn’t work. The camera is not sufficiently wide angle to capture anything but sea; which makes for a rather unexciting video experience. So when searching for a solution for a mount to insert the camera into Dean’s racing car, it seemed obvious to move from helmetcam….

Bit of a racy day

Sat, 08 May 2010 00:00:00 +0000

Down to Bira this morning to catch Dean’s first race of the weekend. Having tried and mainly failed to take a video from the passenger seat, I thought I would try installing a camera in his car for the race. Unfortunately, I arrived a little too late to spend much time on installation, and the best I could do was tape a camera to the roll bar. I managed to disturb the control wheel when doing so, and the result was zero video. Never mind, I have grand plans for an upgraded installation tomorrow and hopefully we can capture the race.

Last time Dean raced he was surrounded by girls on the grid. Today he was not so lucky:

A bargain

Thu, 06 May 2010 00:00:00 +0000

Parked in the basement car park of my condo yesterday and the handyman pointed out that one of my tyres was partially deflated. I think he was hoping I would slip him a few baht to fix it; but I was determined to do it myself. I am a stubborn old bugger who likes to do things for himself when possible; and having a practice tyre change in the relative comfort of a car park would prepare me for the inevitable day when I had to do itmyself when stuck out in the country in the dark in a rainstorm.

Miss Unlimited Sexy Star 2010

Wed, 05 May 2010 00:00:00 +0000

Hell of a name for a swimsuit competition, but here are a few photos from the event. Leave you to decide whether any of the contestants were unlimited, sexy, or stars.

The genuine genuinej

Tue, 04 May 2010 00:00:00 +0000

It’s not often I offer to be nailed to a cross, but such was my desire for a Cadbury’s creme egg that I was prepared to suffer a few nails for a taste.

Enter a saviour in the form of one the more eloquent, acerbic and grammatically correct commenters on this site, genuinej.

He mailed me to tell me he was coming to Thailand and, for a donation of up to 50% of the costs of his flight, he was prepared to smuggle some creme eggs into the Kingdom. Once he had assured me that the smuggling would not include storage in his anal cavity, and a price of around 0.0000002% of his travel costs had been agreed (to be reimbursed in the form of a cup of coffee); we had a deal.

And we met today for the handover. In the flesh, genuinej looks a little like Charlton Heston (during his Ben Hur period, not during his lunatic NRA gun wielding years). He is here on a golfing holiday to work on a handicap which has seen better days but is still probably better than Billy can manage. He is full of stories and it was a pleasure to meet him.

Oh, and he brought eggs:

Something I didn't photograph last weekend

Mon, 03 May 2010 00:00:00 +0000

I enjoy photographing sailing craft. Windsurfers, yachts, even racing jetskis. They are all difficult to shoot from the shore; particularly here, where the sun is shining into your lens from midday onwards. And if I want to capture windsurfing or yacht races then I really need to get out on the water to follow the racers around the course.

I tried to cover a big windsurf racing event in Jomtien a year or so ago. There was a “press boat” and I signed on as press. There was also a “VIP boat” which took off with a fat man on board a few minutes before the first race was about to start. But the press boat never moved. As start time drew near I enquired why were not leaving; apparently we were waiting for someone. The someone turned out to be another ~~self-important twat~~ VIP who was eventually installed in the boat along with three women, two kids, and three of us who were actually there to take photographs.

Birdemic: Shock and Terror

Sun, 02 May 2010 00:00:00 +0000

Rod is a successful software salesman. We know this because he sits in a shit cubicle and, after offering a 50% discount, he lands a deal worth $1 million. Shortly after, his company is sold to Oracle for billions, meaning his stock options are worth millions. And suddenly he has a start-up company selling solar panels which an investor is prepared to provide with $10 million. Rod has everything going for him; except love.

Enter Natalie. She is an aspiring model who is suddenly called by Victoria’s secret and offered a modelling contract, which means she is now a lingerie model; an ideal potential girlfriend for Rod and his stock options. They hook up and eventually spend the night at a motel.

By this time, we are 45 minutes into a movie directed by James Nguyen. During the week, James is a software salesman, and you can imagine him sitting in his cubicle dreaming of big sales, stock options and a lingerie model girlfriend. And then making a movie about it at the weekend. But this movie is called “Birdemic: Shock and Terror”, and all we have had so far is the totally unbelievable story of Rod and Natalie.

But here it comes. After a night of what appears to have been no sex, Rod awakens fully clothed to find that their motel is under attack from birds. And not just any birds. These birds make noises like dive bombers and explode on impact when they hit the ground.

Sweet memories

Sat, 01 May 2010 00:00:00 +0000

I can clearly remember the last time I sat in a racing car. Actually, I can’t remember exactly when, 1984 I think, but it was a Phantom P75, it was at Doune, it was raining, and I won my class. The trophy lies rotting on a shelf along with a few others that I collected in my brief and not particularly auspicious motor racing career.

This was my Phantom, with me inside it:

All steamed up

Fri, 30 Apr 2010 00:00:00 +0000

She who must be obeyed frequently expresses a desire to do or obtain something. A second-hand Toyota Camry, a working knowledge of the Spanish language, daily attendance at a yoga class. I have learned that these are just vague yearnings spoken out loud and, if ignored, will disappear to be replaced with some new desire which can also be ignored.

Occasionally, something sticks, and yesterday a recommendation from our physio, which has been bubbling around in the wish list for a month or so, came to fruition as I was manoeuvred into the crap gadget section of Big C and we came home with this:

The red scourge

Wed, 28 Apr 2010 00:00:00 +0000

Things continue to go badly in Bangkok, with another death being recorded this afternoon. The reds have also been busy in the provinces; blocking roads, surrounding town halls and generally being a pain in the ass.

Thankfully, things continue to be quiet in Pattaya, with the reds and the ABRs (Anything But Red) taking it in turns to conduct shouting sessions outside city hall. But then it all turned a load more sinister on Jomtien beach road this afternoon.

Kick-Ass

Tue, 27 Apr 2010 00:00:00 +0000

Not the boat race

Mon, 26 Apr 2010 00:00:00 +0000

The BBC iPlayer is now my medium of choice for watching Formula 1 races; their coverage and commentary is simply the best. Having watched a qualifying session, I noticed they were covering the boat race live, so I watched that too.

The Oxford and Cambridge boat race has been run for more than 150 years, and there are worse ways of idling away twenty minutes on a Saturday afternoon, unless you are actually sitting in one of the boats, in which case it looks like reasonably hard work. Anyway, it was an closely fought race, I quite enjoyed it and I vowed to be really annoyed next year when I discover that I missed it.

But then a call from Polo Escape; we are having a boat race! Come see!

The chance to experience, first hand, the precision rowing of athletes who have spent the previous year in training. The surge of the boat as multiple sets of oars work in perfect harmony. The tension as they race neck and neck to the finish. I was on on my way immediately.

It wasn’t quite what I expected. There were three boats rather than two (Oxford, Cambridge and Leeds perhaps), although the all-Argentinian crew of one boat had a level of excitability and South American passion that exceeded the stability rating of the boat. Or to put it bluntly, they capsized at the start line. So that was Leeds out of the running.

On yer bike

Sun, 25 Apr 2010 00:00:00 +0000

The hills around Pratumnak are some of Pattaya’s more pleasant locations. A look-out point across the city, a big Buddha, a small temple complex, and plenty of trees and bushes. No surprise then that City Hall decided to bugger it up by ripping up the greenery and building this:

3,000 up

Sat, 24 Apr 2010 00:00:00 +0000

It’s almost two years since the first comment was made on this site. Fitting that it should come from Billy, who was the catalyst for my starting Pattaya Days. His comment was: “I will”. I took this little phrase to my heart and have since tried to use as a mantra for my life; although I have modified it slightly by adding “probably starting tomorrow” on the end.

Fast forward to today, and the prestigious award (to be announced later) for the 3,000th comment goes again to Billy with the memorable:

Happy Earth Day

Fri, 23 Apr 2010 00:00:00 +0000

Yesterday was Earth Day; kindly pointed out to me by the revised heading on the Google home page.

It goes without saying that I am a very environmentally aware; mainly because I am not. I am not convinced by global warming, I drive a smoking truck and I’d rather eat a pig than a carrot.

Still, I am sufficiently aware that the occasion is meant to be a day where you do something to be nice to our planet.

Upon reflection

Thu, 22 Apr 2010 00:00:00 +0000

Today is the start of she who must obeyed’s weekend. Except it isn’t, because she has urgent stuff she has to do and heads off to her office. This leaves me at an unexpected loose end and I ponder how to spend my morning. I fancy pointing my camera at something and remember that one of the tech sites is running a competition for their “iPads around the world gallery”. The prize winner will be based upon a draw rather than on photographic merit, so I am in with a chance and decide to have a go.

This is what I came up with:

The iPad: It's all about the comfy chair

Wed, 21 Apr 2010 00:00:00 +0000

A warning: This is a long post. It’s about a product in which you may have no interest, in which case please read no further. You may have already decided it is not for you (hi Lloyd!), in which case please move along. There are no jokes and the only thing that gets photographed naked is the iPad.

On the streets at Songkran

Tue, 20 Apr 2010 00:00:00 +0000

The highs and lows of Songkran

Mon, 19 Apr 2010 00:00:00 +0000

Songkran can be fun for kids:

Burning down the house

Sun, 18 Apr 2010 00:00:00 +0000

If you are working illegally in Pattaya, then it is best to keep a low profile.

Take Mr. Shen Wen Liang, for example. He supports himself by acting as a tour guide for Chinese tour groups; an activity which requires a work permit; which he doesn’t have.

Here is how not to maintain a low profile:

Get really pissed.
Gather together three bar girls and take them back to the hotel to share with your customers.
When reception tells you that you can’t take three girls upstairs (presumably there is a limit of one, or two), lose your temper and threaten to burn down the hotel.
Go up to your room and attempt to burn down the hotel by setting fire to it.
Act surprised when the police arrive and take you away.

There’s a lesson here, and the lesson is: never try and take three bar girls back to your hotel room. Unless you have a work permit.

On the road again

Sun, 18 Apr 2010 00:00:00 +0000

Just over a week ago I was celebrating the completion of our new road.

The extended four year construction period was mainly due to ineptitude, but it did include many months of digging, followed by the installation of a new drainage system, presumably to ensure that rainfall would travel through a proper drainage system and not flood the road, or undermine it.

Yesterday was the first test. It rained. A lot. Not hundred year storm sort of rain; but a typical tropical storm which went on for several hours. She who must be obeyed did not fancy her chances getting to and from work in her little car, so I took her in the truck; and the new road was coping just fine with the deluge.

But things were not looking so good this morning.

Bring the right weapons to a fight

Sat, 17 Apr 2010 00:00:00 +0000

The army is still taking stock from last Saturday’s clash with the red shirts. Although they claimed that they were mainly equipped to fire rubber bullets, they managed to lose more than 8,000 live rounds during the scuffles, as well as abandoning nine vehicles which were later stripped by the red shirts.

Weirdest, and potentially most dangerous, of all; they lost six anti-aircraft guns and 600 rounds of munitions for same. I would love to ask them why they thought they would need anti-aircraft guns for the purposes of crowd control. One thing is for sure; the army will not risk using helicopters to drop tear gas in future.

Enthusiasm: An expensively infectious disease

Sat, 17 Apr 2010 00:00:00 +0000

When I worked in Bangkok, I spent many hours hanging out with my friend Tic. We had shared interests, ~~poetry~~ gadgets, ~~charity work~~ computer gaming, ~~fine art appreciation~~ women and ~~wine tasting~~ drinking.

We’d sit and drink beer, eye up potential babes, and never make a move. We consumed the latest gadgets for a week or so, before moving on to the latest new thing. For a while we were seriously into radio controlled car racing and ran a monster race track in my condo, much to the annoyance of my maid.

The girl who did fuck all for three hundred pages

Thu, 15 Apr 2010 00:00:00 +0000

Publishing sensation! Number one on the Portland Times best selling list for three days! Dead author! Translated text! 27 million copies sold!

No shortage of choices for PR blurb to stick on the cover of Stieg Larsson’s Millennium trilogy books. Sufficient incentive for a casual browser like me to pick up the first in the series (The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo) at an airport several months ago. A long enough flight to get through the first one hundred pages in which some mildly interesting characters are introduced, an investigation into the disappearance of a girl becomes the main storyline, and nothing of consequence happens. Pick up the book again from time to time and the investigation seems to be going nowhere, mainly because the characters are too busy having turgid conversations instead of actually doing some investigating. Three hundred pages in, and I give up and stick it back on the shelf. Yesterday I give it another try, and suddenly clues are being found and all sorts of nastiness is being uncovered; and the remaining three hundred plus pages are consumed by the end of the day.

How to murder a Reuter's cameraman

Tue, 13 Apr 2010 00:00:00 +0000

Amongst the dead on the streets of Bangkok on Saturday was a Japanese cameraman working for Reuters. He was shot through the chest by an unknown assailant. A tragedy for sure, but not the first to befall staff from Reuters.

In 2008 the Israelis shot a missile at a jeep in Gaza, killing the cameraman from Reuters inside. The jeep was clearly marked with “Press” written large on the roof.

Death on the roads

Mon, 12 Apr 2010 00:00:00 +0000

It’s about to be Songkran again; the Thai new year when people gently splash water on the faces of their loved ones and sprinkle them with talcum powder. Or, in the modern version, spray foul iced water in an attempt to drown anyone who happens to be passing. It’s not gentle any more, and Pattaya will turn into an aquatic battleground for a week.

There is a designated day where everything stops and everyone comes out to play, and I have no problem with that. I will take some photos, either from a safe vantage point with my long lens, or down on the street with a waterproof camera; depending on how much she who must be obeyed wants to get involved.

Oh no, it's that techno lust again

Mon, 12 Apr 2010 00:00:00 +0000

In January I wrote “I have no idea what it is, but I will probably want it”. Now it is April and I can say with some certainty: “Now I know what it is, I definitely want it”. “It” being the iPad.

Official reviews and feedback from those who have bought one have been overwhelmingly positive, and the announcement last week of a revised operating system coming later in the year will at least stop people whining about how it doesn’t do multi-tasking.

The red scourge

Fri, 09 Apr 2010 00:00:00 +0000

Screaming headlines a couple of days ago, announcing that the evil reds had besieged city halls, including Pattaya. Being the fearless correspondent that I am, I had to check it out. Using she who must be obeyed as my driver, the plan was to drive slowly past city hall and take a couple of photos. We ran the risk of being pulled from the car and badly beaten; but, as you know, I will take any risk in pursuit of a story.

As we came close to the hot spot, it was clear that the fiends had abandoned their siege of the building and were instead camped outside the entrance on the main road. Finally we reached the red stronghold and one of their burly guards appraised us, hiding his obvious menace beneath a smile and an unusual head covering:

Road to nowhere

Thu, 08 Apr 2010 00:00:00 +0000

Two years ago, I reported on the sad state that was Thappraya road. At that time, they had already spent a couple of years dicking around with a road widening project and had got as far as reducing the edge of the road to rubble.

And here is the road today:

A matter of degrees

Wed, 07 Apr 2010 00:00:00 +0000

I love living in a warm climate. It may get a little sweaty at times, and aircon in the car is a necessity; but there is nothing better than waking up to a sunny sky and feeling the warmth on your skin.

But this is too much.

April is always the hottest month, but this year it is particularly sweltering. On the beach yesterday, in the shade and with a cooling wind, it was 36 of those Celsius degrees. Today I had the dubious pleasure of standing in the sun at Bira taking bike photos; and it was 38. That is too much for a man of my delicate disposition and I was glad when the shooting bit was over and I could retire to my air-conditioned computer room and work through the photos.

The new Kawasaki has now grown fairings and looks more the part:

In need of a good spanking

Tue, 06 Apr 2010 00:00:00 +0000

I am of the old school when it comes to child discipline. By all means start off with reasoning, then move onto threats, and then, if the threats are ignored, a quick slap to the leg works wonders. Of course, to make a lasting impression and induce life-changing behaviour, a good thrashing round the head with a baseball bat will be required; but I understand that is now illegal in certain countries.

Drowning in media

Sun, 04 Apr 2010 00:00:00 +0000

I spend too much of my day consuming media. I will happily spend a morning just noodling around on the web. Meantime, a torrent of torrents are downloading movies and TV programs for my future delectation. Five floors up, Nik is doing the same, and regularly offers me gigabytes of stuff to add to my collection. His latest offering is a series of programs by an American photographer who goes to exotic places and takes fantastic photos; and make you want to do the same. Tomorrow I fly to Peru and will come back via Antarctica.

And now there is even more choice. Finally sorted out a decent VPN service which not only gives me full access to all the BBC programs which they so thoughtfully make available on the web, but I can also be in the USA and watch loads of American TV programs via Hulu. Wonderful, and it all seems to stream with only the occasional hiccup; even when she who must be obeyed is running her various farms and fish tanks on Facebook. I have calculated that, allowing nine hours for eating, sleeping and doing things in the toilet, I could happily spend every waking moment watching something in the UK, or the USA, or downloaded. This is a bit worrying because it would leave no time for what some people would consider to a key component of a civilised life; playing computer games.

Still, it has been great this weekend. Watched the Formula One qualifying live on the BBC’s website and was all set to do the same today for the race. Then I drove past NanoTrax today and saw this:

I'm on a horse

Sat, 03 Apr 2010 00:00:00 +0000

Just have to share this little gem:

Surreal brilliance. After I had watched it several times and stopped giggling, I wondered how the hell they made it. You can find out here, but it is a little long winded. In summary:

The bathroom is lifted off the set by a crane, leaving the actor standing on a partial mock-up of a boat. The shirt is dropped from wire above the actor (this failed a few times). As he leans down to pick up the shell he actually sits down on a device which moves him sideways and puts him on the horse. The only CGI is the shell turning to diamonds and the rising Old Spice container; the rest if filmed in real time. A mere 87 takes over three days to get it right.

Happy Easter

Fri, 02 Apr 2010 00:00:00 +0000

Pattaya Days receives visitors from all over the world; people of different nationalities, races and beliefs. We like to think that we are respectful of our international audience, and are keenly aware that today is an important day in the Christian calendar. Yes, it is Good Friday; marking the day that Jesus (aka the purportedly magic Jew) did something. Can’t quite recall what he is meant to have done on this day; but I do know that chocolate, rabbits and eggs were somehow involved.

So, Happy Easter to all who celebrate same; and can someone please send me some of those small Cadbury’s chocolate eggs? I would willingly be crucified for a supply.

A collapsing kitchen

Thu, 01 Apr 2010 00:00:00 +0000

So we are sitting at our computers, as is often the case of an evening, and she who must be obeyed turns to me and says, with a solemn voice: “I have to tell you something”.

This does not bode well. We have had conversations that start this way before, and they are never easy. So I stop watching my crucial video and pay attention.

I mortgaged my car today. I need to pay for the repairs to my parents’ kitchen. *You’ve mortgaged your car? * Yes. Without discussing with me first? Yes.

Imogen Heap, live in Singapore

Wed, 31 Mar 2010 00:00:00 +0000

Imogen Heap is classically trained on piano, cello and clarinet; and self-trained on guitar, drums, frying pans, bonfires and anything else that she can add into the mix to make her music. Her last album was created in the basement studio of her parents house, and her regular progress reports on YouTube frequently included the inclusion of unusual instruments from around the world and an assortment of household objects.

The end result of her time-consuming sound crafting process is complex and beautiful music, best appreciated through earphones where the details can be relished. But how could she reproduce this live? The easiest and safest approach would be to use pre-recorded tracks, which would be a little boring. But, encouragingly, the stage was covered in a variety of instruments, sheets of metal and other stuff that looked like it might make a pleasant noise if approached appropriately. Then Imogen walked on stage rubbing the top of wine glass, making the noise that rubbed wine glasses make, and we knew we were in for something special.

A heap of problems

Tue, 30 Mar 2010 00:00:00 +0000

So there I was on Saturday evening, congratulating myself on booking flights and seats for the Imogen Heap concert in Singapore. For some reason my mind went through an early “tickets, money, passport” check; and got stuck on passport. What was wrong? I certainly had a passport, and I had recently renewed my retirement visa and…oh dear.

When you obtain a retirement visa to stay in Thailand, you can remain in the country for a year. But if you want to venture out of the country during that year, you need a re-entry permit; something that is obtained after you have the main visa; and something I had yet to queue up for. As things stood, I could fly to Singapore, but when I came back without a re-entry permit, I would be given a tourist visa and have to start the retirement thing all over again. This would involve flying out to a Thai embassy in another country within 30 days and then coming back in and plodding through the retirement visa paperwork all over again. Just too much money, time and hassle. I had to get a re-entry permit before my flight at 1120 on Monday morning or else I would not be going; but it was late on Saturday and immigration closes on Sundays. It looked like Ms. Heap’s concert was not to be; and I had just dropped a pile of cash on air and concert tickets for nothing. Oh dear indeed.

A date with the fragrant Heap

Sat, 27 Mar 2010 00:00:00 +0000

As well as being an excellent musician, Imogen Heap has mastered the web as a tool to promote her music. The development of her last album, recorded in the basement studio of her family house, was shared on YouTube such that, after 40+ “broadcasts”, you felt you knew Ms. Heap very well; and of course were all set to acquire her album. It’s nearly a year since my son alerted me to her voice, and she has been a regular companion in my truck since then. Would love to see her live one day.

End of an era

Sat, 27 Mar 2010 00:00:00 +0000

Receive a letter from my ex-employer. Every year they write to me to advise me that my pension is going to be increased by an amount so small it is hardly worth bothering to tell me. They also give me an update on the performance of the company over the previous year. Clearly there is no link between the obscene profits being earned and my pension increase. Then they tell me about the 6,000 jobs that have been cut in the name of efficiency and point out, rather obviously, that this has made it a tough year for many people. They conclude with: “as ever, we have done our best to show respect for the individual”. Yeah, right.

Too much bloody noise

Fri, 26 Mar 2010 00:00:00 +0000

A frustrating week. Some domestic appliance issues, of which more later, plus the processing of all the shots from last weekend’s polo tournament.

The Thursday and Saturday shoots were no problem; but Sunday’s match was played under inadequate floodlights, and it was a processing nightmare.

Ever tried shooting in the near dark? The obvious approach is to use a flash; but flash is only effective for a couple of metres. All those flashes you see from the stands at sporting events? Completely useless. And if you are shooting at ten shots a second, and I am, then the flash will give up and sulk after a couple of shots, complaining that it needs to take a rest and recharge. So it is available light only; which means low shutter speeds and very high ISO, which in turn means noisy images.

Here’s a shot from one of the afternoon matches:

A partial relief of boredom

Thu, 25 Mar 2010 00:00:00 +0000

“Motor racing? It’s just cars going round in circles” my friends would sneer; fresh from ninety minutes watching retards kicking a ball from one end of a muddy field to another. What a simplistic view (unlike my accurate description of their obsession). Could they not appreciate the thrill of competition, the technical challenge, the cars battling for position, the sights, sounds and smells of highly developed engines and pit girls?

I love motor racing. Spent too much money doing it (full size, 1/8 size and whatever size Qon’s little machines happen to be), spent too much money going to watch it, spent too much time playing motor racing games. For goodness sake I even follow Jenson Button’s girlfriend on Twitter (the fact she is a lingerie model and occasionally posts photos is incidental). Happy to watch any form of racing, but of course Formula 1 is the pinnacle. Watching the lesser formulas just isn’t the same. The British Touring Car Championship, for example. Five abreast into corners. Tyre smoking, body contact action with overtaking everywhere throughout the race. Nothing like Formula 1 at all, where overtaking and excitement is just a distant memory.

And I have the memory. The likes of Ronnie Peterson for example, sideways in a Lotus in a corner. Nigel Mansell sideways everywhere. And plenty of overtaking. But then the aerodynamics became so advanced it was impossible to follow another car closely. The brakes became so advanced that braking distances became almost non-existent. And drivers changed from beer-swilling party animals surrounded by multiple hookers, to professional sportsmen who could drive flat out for two hours without making a mistake and then go home to their professional lingerie model girlfriends.

And the result has been boredom. The races have become increasingly processional, with any overtaking happening during a pit stop. The only chance of any excitement is the arrival of rain or someone being caught cheating. Something had to be done.

So the rules were changed for 2010 to ban refuelling. And we saw in Bahrain what a great idea that was. Relieved from the need to make multiple fuel stops, teams made a single stop for a tyre change; leaving the drivers with nothing to do except to run the rest of the race pursuing a tyre conservation strategy; i.e. driving slowly and not even attempting to overtake. It was so pathetic that even the drivers were complaining afterwards that something would have to be done to spice things up.

Fortunately for me, I had a new toy to play with which relieved some of the boredom. An application which streams live race data to the iPhone. There’s a map of the track and race positions:

Purportedly magic Jew

Mon, 22 Mar 2010 00:00:00 +0000

I am not sure how I survived so many years sitting in an office, being forced to address issues that were of no importance to me, for people I did not respect (there were some exceptions; and if you are one of my ex-bosses, you were one of them). There were a few mitigating factors. I worked with some amusing people, I lived in some interesting places, and there were endless opportunities for mischief in the form of disruptive emails.

No Placebo

Sun, 21 Mar 2010 00:00:00 +0000

A couple of weeks ago I met up with one of my readers. He lives in Bangkok, but was visiting Pattaya, and suggested lunch. She who must be obeyed, who considers it part of her job to take an obsessional interest in my well-being, was convinced I would be snatched and sold into slavery; but after 32 years sitting in an office for an oil company, slavery was something I was used to. And anyway, as I pointed out from a distance, I was married to her; so how would I spot the difference.

Anyway, she had nothing to fear, because my lunch companion, let’s call him Jim, was a fine fellow and we ended up in conversation for two hours; and he even paid for the meal. He makes his living from the internet and gave me many tips on how I could make some cash out of Pattaya Days. Given that my daily readership hovers around 200, I rather doubt I will be buying a Ferrari any time soon; but maybe I will give it a go. For a start, you can all send me $100. Thank you.

I follow Jim on Twitter, and yesterday afternoon he posted that the red shirts were outside the Esplanade shopping centre in Bangkok, and that, from his condo window, he could see a stage being erected. This provoked pangs of jealousy and regret in yours truly; because at the time I was covering a polo game on the outskirts of Bangkok; and questioning my decision not to fight my way into Bangkok after the game in order to make my way to the stage that was being erected outside Jim’s window.

If I had a “ten favourite bands” list, and I probably do have one somewhere, then Placebo would be on it. They might even make the top five if they asked me nicely. I have every album they have ever released, DVDs of their live performances, and the obligatory T-shirt. But I have never seen them live, and that is a failing I would like to rectify (it’s on my “seventy four things to do before I die” list, along with less likely activities such as the one involving Jennifer Love Hewitt and baby oil). They came through Bangkok a couple of years ago, and I missed them. And they were playing last night, and I missed them again. It was always going to be a little difficult because I had a polo game to cover first, which meant a bag full of camera gear to stow somewhere; but then the red shirts chose the day to do their grand tour of Bangkok; and I just couldn’t face the hassle. Next time. Maybe.

Perhaps the real reason is that I am just getting too old for this sort of thing. I stood in the rain for five hours to watch The Rolling Stones. I endured a couple of hours in the mosh pit when I experieced the Red Hot Chili Peppers in Bangkok (damn, they were good), but after a couple of hours in the sun with a camera, I am ready for a sit and a gin & tonic. This must be what they mean by the long, slow decline into senility and death.

But it has been a busy week. A day with the bikes on Wednesday, and then a four hour round trip to the polo field in Bangkok on Thursday where “my” club are playing in a tournament. They win their first match.

'Man used penis to assault female police officer'

Thu, 18 Mar 2010 00:00:00 +0000

Excellent headline from the BBC.

Now guess which city in which the offense took place (assuming it is regarded as an offense in that city).

No surprise that is Jock’s home town of Aberdeen. The only surprise is that it was not Jock’s willy doing the assaulting.

Comments 🔗

2010-03-18 | Billy says

Nah, his willy only returns to its native Kincorth once as year for a week or so … and even then spends most of its time with old friends …

Papa's got a brand new bag

Thu, 18 Mar 2010 00:00:00 +0000

Or rather, Graham’s got a brand new bike.

Anybody seen a lens?

Wed, 17 Mar 2010 00:00:00 +0000

A busy day at Bira (bike photos to follow unless you behave). I carry all my gear around in the car, and the take out the camera and lenses I think I will need at each shooting spot. Given my atrocious memory, especially when I am deeply involved in something, I have a tendency to finish up with less gear than I started with. There then follows a frantic chase around my shooting locations to gather up abandoned equipment.

Today I lost my 70-200mm lens. It was quite some time before I discovered it parked on the main straight…..

Remote control

Tue, 16 Mar 2010 00:00:00 +0000

She who must be obeyed is away. Off to a family function which involves a grandfather joining the monkhood and all the assorted ritual that this entails. She knows me too well to ask whether I want to attend, especially as her mother, grandmother and sister all came to Pattaya so the four of them could fill a car with chattering females and endless snacks. No thank you, I will stay and keep the cats company.

She is gone for less than an hour when the first of many SMS messages arrive. I will spare you the details but it involved her bowels and the need to empty them. I am used to this. Many a journey has been interrupted by the need for she who must be obeyed to find a toilet. Immediately; or else bad things are going to happen inside the vehicle which may require a surcharge at the car wash. But I was at home and she was somewhere en route to Bangkok, so not clear what role I could play in a solution. Presumably it was just so I could worry about her remotely. So I did.

Then she called me to tell me that my truck indicator lights were not working. Her mother had driven behind when going out for breakfast and reckoned that my indicator lights were broken because I had not indicated when I normally would. She was not being facetious, my mother in law genuinely believes I am a good driver and a wonderful person; both of which are true of course. It’s also true that I only indicate when I think it is required to inform other drivers on the road of my intentions. I feel this is is more indicative of thoughtful driving than using them all the time, or never using them, or selecting a direction at random and then doing something completely different; which seems to be the norm around here. I certainly would not bother indicating left when I am in a left turn only lane and the driver behind me (mother) knows exactly where I am going. But there is no point in explaining this over the phone, so I express concern and promise I will check.

Don’t forget, you know what you are like. I won’t (she is right, I probably will forget). Write a note to yourself. I won’t forget. Tie a reminder to your car key chain. I WON"T FORGET!!!

I forgot. But when she asked me about them last night I told her they were fine. I will check later on today. Unless I forget.

Back from windsurfing and we have a chat. I confess my back is a little sore. She reveals a secret stash of Lush bath bombs and instructs me to take a hot bath. This suddenly seems like a good idea so I run the water, turn it frothy orange with a bath salt father Xmas, and ease my aching limbs into the mix. Most relaxing.

When I first fitted out the condo, I fitted a whirlpool bath in one of the bathrooms. Trouble is, while we both take at least two showers a day, we rarely take a bath. I reckon I use it a couple of times a year. In between the bathing events, the water in the pipes of the whirlpool unit has time to fester; so when I press the button to start the water jets, a load of disgusting smelling water is ejected into the bath. You can emulate this. A meal of Guinness and beans, a couple of hours fermentation time and then into the bath and fart. See what I mean? Revolting. So I jump out of the bath and take a cleansing shower.

Freshened up and I embark on my evening project. SMS from the boss asks how I am getting on and I reply: “In the dark in the bathroom with a chocolate covered strawberry, a candle and a camera”. I get the response: “OK, will talk to you later”. My wife knows me well.

Once the word “camera” is mentioned, she knows I am pursuing some pointless photographic mission, and the strawberries and candle are clearly props; no need to ask further.

There was a competition in Gizmodo for photographs that had been lit by a single candle. Nobody had done the obvious trick of using a single candle to set a house on fire and then photographing that, but there were some ingenious offerings and I felt slightly inspired, sufficient to sacrifice a chocolate covered strawberry or two. I had brought home some Chiang Mai strawberries as a treat for SWMBO, and she had upped their desirability by covering them in chocolate. The few that remained were waiting in the fridge for me.

I had a vision of a strawberry, glinting in the candlelight, while molten chocolate dripped off it onto the candle in a sensual, but non-extinguishing, manner. Genius. First I needed a way of suspending the strawberry, so it was out with the blue plastic pipe.

Not for the squeamish

Mon, 15 Mar 2010 00:00:00 +0000

A good wind and a fine afternoon at the beach; but oh so hot. As I supped my drink in the cooling breeze next to the sea, I checked the temperature; 35 degrees. My thoughts turned to the red shirts in Bangkok where the temperature must be way hotter and the air more humid and polluted. After a night in the open, a day of tramping around and shouting, minimal toilets and a lack of washing facilities; things must be getting a little fetid.

Life's a beach

Sun, 14 Mar 2010 00:00:00 +0000

A handful of shots from today; people and machinery at the windsurfing club.

There is no better life than a life beside the beach. Provided it is warm. I used to live by the beach in Aberdeen; it was nothing like this.

Paint my balls

Sat, 13 Mar 2010 00:00:00 +0000

A weekend of tension

Fri, 12 Mar 2010 00:00:00 +0000

After months of build up, it is finally here. Tens of thousands of fans (red shirts) will descend on Bahrain (Bangkok) for the first (latest) round of the world championship (ongoing battle against the government). Everyone is hoping that the event will be free of accidents (violence), and it is very unclear who will emerge the winner.

OK, enough of the double talk. Bangkok is going to be inundated with protesters this weekend. It’s not my country and I have no opinion on who is right; especially as it is all politics and politicians worldwide are, almost without exception, scum. I just hope that the country comes out of whatever happens without too much damage. The Thai people deserve a stable future, although I doubt they are going to get it.

Twitter tips for a more informed weekend

Fri, 12 Mar 2010 00:00:00 +0000

Bangkok Protests tulsathit - A Thai journalist for The Nation. Not the greatest of newspapers to work for, but he writes in English and is reporting frequently from Bangkok this weekend. A good way to keep in touch with what is happening.

Formula One: Occasional posts from the drivers, apart from Karun Chandhok who is like a kid in a toy shop and is posting all manner of fun stuff. Much more from the journalists and broadcasters, with links to web and images.

A dubious strategy

Wed, 10 Mar 2010 00:00:00 +0000

We have a new police chief (by “we” I mean Pattaya, nor our home which is already more than adequately policed by she who must be obeyed). He is obviously keen to make an impression and has been calling regular press conferences to announce new schemes.

The latest wheeze is to empower the one thousand plus baht bus and motorcycle taxi drivers to help fight crime in the city. To encourage them to look out for and report suspicious behaviour, they are being offered 2,000 baht if the bad guys they finger are successfully prosecuted.

An Atom of desire

Wed, 10 Mar 2010 00:00:00 +0000

Before I rolled it, I had a 2 litre Honda Civic. It weighed about a tonne and had 150 horsepower, giving reasonable performance. Of course it would have had significantly better performance (and rolled much further) if it had only weighed half a tonne, and been blessed with twice as much horsepower. Like this:

Computer for sale

Mon, 08 Mar 2010 00:00:00 +0000

Asus Aspire One Netbook One careful owner, never raced or rallied, needs some attention.

Make mine a chinchilla

Sun, 07 Mar 2010 00:00:00 +0000

Recording a soap and shooting a boat

Sat, 06 Mar 2010 00:00:00 +0000

Down to Jomtien Marina yesterday morning to take a shot of a friend’s boat. There seemed to be more than the usual number of people and lengths of cable:

Dancing in the dark

Fri, 05 Mar 2010 00:00:00 +0000

Ocean 1 is alive!

Thu, 04 Mar 2010 00:00:00 +0000

It’s about three years since the project to build Thailand’s tallest residential building, the 91 floor Ocean 1, was announced. Since the announcement, nothing much has happened and most people, including myself, assumed that the project was dead. Indeed, I was rather rude about the development more than a year ago, and it looks like I owe Bruno Pingel and his team an apology. Because construction is about to commence!!

We know this, because someone has published a mail from Rob Astbury, the sales manager, where he said (in December 2009) “Last week we signed a contract with one of the largest construction companies in China and it is planned for construction to start in February 2010. It is anticipated the building will be compete in four years.” Excellent news indeed!

Oh deer

Thu, 04 Mar 2010 00:00:00 +0000

For reasons that are not entirely clear, I decide to make the 45 minute journey to the Khao Kheow Open Zoo. It is has the word “open” in the name, not because it is open and will happily take your 100 baht entrance fee, but because many of the animals are in open enclosures which theoretically should make for happier beasts; even though they would probably rather be thundering majestically across the plains and being eaten by predators.

It’s a while since I last visited, and the impression I get is that there is now more concrete and fewer animals; and that nothing has been maintained in the year or so since my last visit. I sure as hell didn’t risk going to the toilets. Even so, if you have never been, it’s worth a trip.

You can drive round the zoo in your own car, or sit in an open bus along with dozens of sweating tourists. So I took my car, and first stop was an area full of deer.

How to spend an afternoon wisely

Wed, 03 Mar 2010 00:00:00 +0000

First, you need to stand on the sand next to the sea with a long lens.

An offer you can refuse

Tue, 02 Mar 2010 00:00:00 +0000

Poor old Thailand is having a bit of trouble with its image at the moment. There are the red shirts threatening rallies to overthrow the government. The yellow shirts are making grumbling noises in the background; and we all know what they can do if they feel like causing some trouble. There have been grenades in Bangkok and the usual tally of bombs, mayhem and murder in the southern promises. To an outsider it might seem that a weekend break at the Somalia Holiday Inn (no relation) would be preferable to coming to the Land of Smiles.

Bad moon rising

Sun, 28 Feb 2010 00:00:00 +0000

Flawed leaders and ladies underwear

Sun, 28 Feb 2010 00:00:00 +0000

Thank goodness that’s over. For weeks we have been waiting for the decision on Thaksin’s frozen assets. Friday was Judgement Day, and the judges spent 5 hours reading out their conclusions.

The end result was a that $1.4 billion of his assets were confiscated by the state; but that still leaves nearly a billion that was not seized, so the man won’t starve. The response to the verdict from Thaksin was predictable. He did his usual impression of a baby throwing toys out of a pram, with a statement that can be summarised as being “Me! Me! Poor me!”. His supporters seemed disinterested in the fact that he had been found guilty on many counts of abusing power to enrich himself; claiming, with some justification, that all Thai politicians are corrupt, so why pick on Thaksin? So they vow to fight on, for something that is not entirely clear, but they call it democracy; which can be interpreted locally as meaning that whoever can buy the most votes wins. To reinforce the message that the party isn’t over till the fat lady explodes, four grenades were thrown at Bangkok Bank outlets last night.

Hooker crackdown

Fri, 26 Feb 2010 00:00:00 +0000

Excellent name for a movie or a computer game I think.

But in this case it refers to the latest enterprise from our wonderful police force, intended to eradicate the hooker/pimp/drug dealing fraternity that inhabits the beach road in Pattaya. “Crackdowns” are common place here and have three recurring features. Firstly, they are announced with great fanfare. Secondly, they never last more than a day. And finally they always spectacularly fail to resolve the problem they are meant to be addressing.

This latest crackdown, like so many before it, was aimed at the hookers rather than the more nasty pimps and drug dealers who are likely to be armed with something pointy, or even a gun; and are therefore best left alone. Anyway, it is more fun to round up sixty hookers (two thirds women, one third men pretending to be women), take them all down to the police station, relieve them of some cash; and then deliver them back where they came from so they can continue plying their trade (with increased vigour to cover the fine they have just paid).

Other than boosting police funds, no doubt the boys in brown felt that a small fine and a telling-off would be enough to persuade these sad people that they should stop being a hooker and go and do something else, like chartered accountancy or, more realistically, begging.

But a quick check on beach road this morning confirmed that nothing had changed:

Low speeds and high grass

Fri, 26 Feb 2010 00:00:00 +0000

Photography has a set of unofficial rules, repeated frequently by the monthly camera rags under different headings to fool you into believing there is something new to be read. One of these rules states that you should keep your shutter speed higher than the focal length of your lens. This assumes that you actually know the focal length of your camera, or actually give a shit about producing a photo which has any degree of sharpness. Judging on output, Billy can stop reading now, although I am sure his fragrant and talented wife knows exactly what I am talking about.

So if your lens is 50mm, keep your shutter speed higher than 1/50th second. 150mm; more than 1/150th second; and so on. All this assumes your subject is static. If it is moving, then other considerations come into play. Polo, for example, has a horse moving vertically and horizontally at the same time. I shoot with a 300mm lens, but 1/300th second is not enough to give a sharp image. So I use 1/640th which is fast enough to freeze the rider and most of the horse, but still provides some blurring of the hooves and lower leg to give a sense of action.

So if you look closely at this shot:

Going vertical with Pam

Thu, 25 Feb 2010 00:00:00 +0000

As the proprietor of this throbbing organ, I am approached almost daily with tempting offers, many of which I find it hard to refuse. Even now, the postal network is straining under the load of transporting assorted dubious medications to my door, and my limited savings are being invested in a variety of schemes with new friends from Nigeria who honestly intend sending me large amounts of cash soon.

And now this, from someone called Pam. I know she is called Pam because she starts her message with:

'Exiled from Thailand days.com' postponed

Tue, 23 Feb 2010 00:00:00 +0000

Every year I suffer a little peak of stress when my visa renewal comes around. 90% of this is caused by the knowledge I will have to descend into the bowels of hell that is the immigration office and queue, often with people who have clearly not washed for a while, for several hours. And 8% is caused by the fear that immigration might say “no”, and I will have to leave this fine country which I am so lucky to call my home. And 2% is rounding errors.

Pussy upgrade system

Tue, 23 Feb 2010 00:00:00 +0000

It’s the year of the tiger, and that means there is no shortage of idiots who will consider anything related to a tiger to be lucky, and I am not talking about Tigger toys.

An abbot of a temple in Nakhon Ratchasima, in between meditating and acting like a monk, saw a business opportunity in the foolishness of others; and decided to get into the lucky tiger parts trade. Trouble is, it’s not that easy to get your hands on bits of tiger, what with them being protected and also having exceedingly large teeth. So the abbot hit upon a cunning plan to upgrade the domestic cat. He obtained skins of dead cats (and some dogs) and nipped down to the local DIY shop for a can of orange paint, a can of black paint, and a brush. Painted some orange and black stripes on the cat and dog skins and, hey presto, tiger skin!!

Shafted by the government

Mon, 22 Feb 2010 00:00:00 +0000

It’s visa renewal time, and as part of the truckload of documentation that the fine people at immigration require, I need a statement confirming my income.

For some reason, I am not to be trusted to write “I earn ten million baht a week. True.” in green crayon on a piece of tatty paper. Instead I have to get the British government to do it for me. So it is down to the British Consul office to present my credentials. I need to fill out a form containing my name and address, and write my monthly income. This amount has to be supported by some sort of documentation, in my case a slip of paper from my previous employer stating my pension (a.k.a. “the pittance”). In return the Consul’s office will fill in my name and address and the amount on a standard letter and give it to me (but not until the following day because everything done by the British government takes at least a day).

In the classic style

Fri, 19 Feb 2010 00:00:00 +0000

My outfit of choice for a photography session emphasises comfort over style. In fact style is not a consideration at all. Whatever T-shirt is on top of the magically replenished pile in the wardrobe, pair of tatty jeans and my beloved Caterpillar boots which have not been cleaned since I lived in England. Top the lot with a scruffy, floppy, blue hat. So it would be fair to say that I was outdone by this gentleman:

In tunnel, see light

Fri, 19 Feb 2010 00:00:00 +0000

The graphics card bomb detector

Fri, 19 Feb 2010 00:00:00 +0000

Bit of an upset in the UK recently, when a bomb detecting device being sold by a British company to a variety of countries was revealed to be useless. The director of the company selling the device was arrested for misrepresentation and exports of the device were banned. And guess who had already bought a shitload of these over-priced toys? Yep, Thailand.

The Thai government have now tested the device, known as the GT200, and have confirmed that it does not work. The Thai army, who laid out the cash for the devices and has been using them in the South of Thailand, disagree and insists that the GT200 works well. So they called a press conference to make their case.

Preparations for the conference went something like this:

Well, Private Somchai, we need to persuade the Thai public that these GT200s work and are a good deal.

Yes Sir! Could be a bit difficult though sir.

Nonsense! Our first argument will be that they have saved lives and are very effective. The UK government says they don’t work, the Thai government says they don’t work; but they don’t wave them around every day like we do. We will say they have saved 7,000 lives; that’s an impressive number.

Very good sir. But the value for money aspect may be a little difficult. A UK scientist says the device is basically a box with a car aerial attached to it.

Ah yes, but I bet the box is stuffed full of complex electronics.

It’s an empty plastic box sir.

What about the different cards you insert to detect different substances? I bet they are really advanced.

Mainly cardboard sir, with a circuit of the type that is used to stop people nicking stuff from shops. It is estimated that entire device costs less than 1,000 baht to construct. How much did we pay for them sir?

More than one million baht.

Well, we bought about 800 units, so that is just a little bit more than 1,000 baht a unit. We got a pretty good deal thanks to our transparent and effective procurement procedures designed to obtain technically acceptable goods at the lowest price. Do you like they way I said that sir? I have learned to say “our transparent and effective procurement procedures designed to obtain technically acceptable goods at the lowest price” without laughing.

Yes Somchai, very droll; but the one million baht cost is per unit. We have spent more than 800 million baht on these pieces of crap. There must be a way we can make them seem more high tech and complex.

I think I have a solution sir!

Do tell Somchai, and it better be good; not like that rubbish you came up with about those refugees who paddled themselves out to sea with no food and water, “for a bet”.

Well sir, my cousin plays a lot of computer games, and he has a souped-up graphics card so he can play “Ninja Giraffe Heroes” at full resolution. The graphics card looks really complex. So we use a photo of all the circuitry to illustrate the complexity of the device.

So we show people a photo of a computer graphics card board and pretend it is the non-existent circuitry of the bomb detector?

Yes!

They will never believe that!

Ah, but here is the good bit sir. The graphics card is called the Nvidia GT200! It’s got the same name!! We just stick up a photo of the GT200 graphics card and everyone will accept that it is somehow a component of the GT200 detector.

Somchai, you are a genius; that just might work!

And so a man in a uniform stood in front of the Thai press yesterday and extolled the virtues of the GT200 bomb detector, whilst a photo of the Nvidia GT200 graphics card was displayed in the background.

Read that last sentence again. They really did that…

Please go home

Thu, 18 Feb 2010 00:00:00 +0000

It’s mid February and the streets, beaches and shopping malls are still clogged with visitors enjoying the sunshine and spending their national deficit dollars (or laundered roubles). Quite honestly they have been here long enough, and it is time for them to fuck off back to where they came from and leave us in peace.

There was glimmer of hope this week when Thailand made it into the critical category of the TRI. This would be good news for the country if TRI was an acronym for Tremendous Restaurant Infrastructure; but sadly it stands for Terrorism Risk Index and Thailand now joins the likes of Iraq, Afghanistan and ~~New Zealand~~ Somalia in the critical category.

Knees down

Wed, 17 Feb 2010 00:00:00 +0000

Too crap to be True

Tue, 16 Feb 2010 00:00:00 +0000

Ten days, during which time I took nearly 5,000 photos in seven days of shooting and spent any spare time processing shots. And then it all came to a sad end on Sunday afternoon; and the last thing I wanted to do yesterday was work on processing the many outstanding photos.

Having witnessed death, I felt the need to celebrate life. That meant a couple of hours of windsurfing during which I almost managed to break the ankles of a dickhead kite surfer who had no idea of the basic rules of sailing, and I had a spectacular somersault over the front of the board when I hit something below the water line. But it did feel good to be out on the water and in the fresh air, even if some of the basics of motion are a little difficult this morning due to stiffness.

A tragedy

Mon, 15 Feb 2010 00:00:00 +0000

James Ashton was a typical Aussie; laid back, friendly and always sporting a smile. He had played polo all his life and was the president of the International Federation of Polo.

At seventy years of age, he was long past the time when most people would have stopped playing; but he loved the game and turned up for the tournament at Polo Escape this weekend. I chatted to him before the final game yesterday. He said he was looking forward to the match and, flashing one of his big grins, he climbed onto his horse.

Less than two minutes later he suffered the most appalling fall and died in hospital.

James died doing what he loved, but that is of little consolation for his family and many friends around the world. Rest in peace James.

Hopelessly romantic

Sun, 14 Feb 2010 00:00:00 +0000

It’s Valentine’s Day apparently, so I head here to find something that truly expresses my feelings.

I think that this is appropriate:

Houston, we have lift off

Sat, 13 Feb 2010 00:00:00 +0000

Nah Nah Nah...

Sat, 13 Feb 2010 00:00:00 +0000

Snakes alive

Fri, 12 Feb 2010 00:00:00 +0000

Living in Brunei, as I did for three years, is a bit of a challenge. Not a lot happens and you have to find ways of amusing yourself or else you would go a little crazy.

During my time there I met a Scotsman by the name of Ian who was a legend for having been continuously employed by the company for fifteen years; at least ten years longer than most people could manage. As part of our sanity-retaining measures, we became involved in running the local computer club and enthusiastically cobbled together a monthly newsletter for the approximately four club members who never really got our perverse sense of humour.

It was only later that I discovered that Ian had a base in Jomtien and whilst he has continued to work in Brunei (now for more than thirty years), he makes the occasional visit to civilisation and we meet for coffee.

He is what you would describe as a character. One of his passions is writing poetry; and it is without exception quite abysmal; although he thinks it is excellent. Here is an example, one of his better offerings:

Rules to Live By

Never eat a plate of food bigger than your head

Never eat a hearty meal when there’s weight to shed

Never scratch a lion’s nose if its not been fed

Never pull a tigers tail if it isn’t dead

To which I would add:

Never write poetry, even if you think you can

You strange deluded Scottish man

Sadly, his team in Brunei includes a number of Filipinos who, anxious to please their boss, constantly reassure him that he is a direct descendant of Rabbie Burns, rather than the bastard offspring of William Topaz McGonagall. Even worse, being Filipinos, they are genetically programmed to be instant musicians, so have taken the ~~random collection of words~~ poems and set them to music. They are every bit as awful as you would expect them to be and I always stuff tissues into my car CD player when meeting Ian to ensure I am not subjected to the latest “hit”.

Ian’s other passion is photography, and here he does a whole lot better. By his own admission he hates buying anything, and so for many years he would walk around snapping stuff armed with an ancient two megapixel point and shoot. I couldn’t tell you the make because the name, and most of the camera, was obscured by tape which was holding the whole contraption together. But he always came up with interesting images. with a slant towards insects and other small beasties.

Eventually, he dusted off his wallet and bought an entry level DSLR and a macro lens, and since then he has been producing images of increasing quality. Today we met for coffee and he showed me his latest prints, including this:

A brief brush with bureaucracy

Thu, 11 Feb 2010 00:00:00 +0000

My road tax expired this week, necessitating a return to the house of horrors where I spent a lifetime obtaining a driving licence. Delays were expected.

Out of interest, I noted my time of arrival in the car park, 1439. I ambled into the building armed with my blue car log book and the mandatory insurance document, which features a small tear-off strip to be removed when renewing your tax. The room was reasonably quiet. I reckoned I might even be finished before they closed at 1600.

Ladies do it differently

Wed, 10 Feb 2010 00:00:00 +0000

Polo is a hard sport, played usually by hard men. It is fast, dangerous and requires considerable aggression. The players wear stern expressions and their firm-set mouths are the source of regular expletives in both Spanish and English. The polo field is not a place for the faint-hearted.

So what happens when you run a ladies tournament as happened last weekend at Polo Escape? Well, first of all there was no bad language. In fact the ladies were unfailingly polite to each other.

“I’m so sorry, did I get in your way?’ “Gosh, did I just stove in the skull of your pony with my mallet?”

And they appeared to be generally enjoying the experience a whole lot more. As a photographer, this made the capture of expressions much more rewarding, as there was some variation compared to the “I’m going to rip out your eyes and eat them” look that is universally employed by the men. Some examples:

An absence of balloons

Mon, 08 Feb 2010 00:00:00 +0000

Ladies polo tournament time again, and once again there are not enough lady players to make up four teams, so each team is allowed one Argentinian professional to help them out. Last year, the macho gauchos entered into the spirit of the occasion:

Exhausted

Sun, 07 Feb 2010 00:00:00 +0000

Hello; have you missed me as much as I’ve missed you? Really?

Don’t know where the week went. First off, I was totally knackered after travelling and photographing and posting and generally doing stuff. Plus staying up too late with she who must be obeyed as she attended to her ever-expanding farm and pet empires on Facebook. Plus assorted chores that you wouldn’t want to know about (fixing a toilet roll holder, for example), none of which offered sufficient comedic content to make them worth writing about. And then it was she who must be obeyed’s two day “weekend”; can’t remember what we did but it took up the time. Oh, and I went windsurfing briefly which totally destroyed my body the following morning.

And now I have just returned from 3 days of shooting polo, with 2,500 photos to process before the next tournament starts in four days time; so I am exhausted again. Feel a little like this guy….

Dire rear chololate remedy

Mon, 01 Feb 2010 00:00:00 +0000

It’s very rare that I have a problem with the food in Thailand. She who must be obeyed is less fortunate, entirely due to her insistence in eating dishes which are so spicy that people on adjoining tables having watering eyes and hacking coughs. One taste of her choice and my mouth is in ruins for hours, I don’t know how she does it. But I do know there is often a price to pay when the evil foodstuffs make their way through her digestive system.

Bed hot action!

Sun, 31 Jan 2010 00:00:00 +0000

This post contains photographs of consenting adults involved in sweaty action, on and around a bed. By clicking on “more” you are confirming that you are over 18 and will not hold the management of Pattaya Days responsible for any psychological trauma that may ensue. Proceed at your own risk (you smutty perv).

Chair Lift

Sun, 31 Jan 2010 00:00:00 +0000

Onwards and upwards

Sun, 31 Jan 2010 00:00:00 +0000

So here we are, February 1st, and my Wordpress statistics tell me that Pattaya Days had more than 6,000 visits last month; smashing the previous record of 5,000 by, well, 1,000.

So, well done you lot and thanks for visiting. Clearly the process of not posting for a week works well. Maybe I should try not posting for two weeks; or as some may be thinking, for ever.

Anyway, the not so good news for you; I have at least seven days of polo shooting coming up this month which means an inevitable deluge of horsey shots. Also, my “exciting things happening in Pattaya this month” calendar, which is never exactly stuffed, is depressingly empty. Never mind, something will turn up.

Actually we lies

Sat, 30 Jan 2010 00:00:00 +0000

High Society

Sat, 30 Jan 2010 00:00:00 +0000

Bits and pieces from the north

Fri, 29 Jan 2010 00:00:00 +0000

Pretty much exhausted the location reports from our trip to Chiang Rai and Chiang Mai; here are a few shots that were left over:

Karen girl:

Make mine a tamarind

Wed, 27 Jan 2010 00:00:00 +0000

Our hotel experiences in Chiang Main and Chiang Rai provided excellent examples of how a hotel should be run, and also how to comprehensively fuck things up.

First Chiang Mai, and The Tamarind, located within the old city walls and, as previously reported, within walking distance of many temples and the Sunday night market. It also has a good coffee shop right across the road.

The hotel is in a walled compound with a tree lined entrance:

Wat Rong Khun

Wed, 27 Jan 2010 00:00:00 +0000

Ground control to Major Spike (deceased)

Tue, 26 Jan 2010 00:00:00 +0000

I keep an eye on how people find their way here, and sometimes this leads me to interesting information.

Today I had a link from The Good Funeral Guide which picked up on the monk cremation story (said nice things, gave an extract and provided a link; that’s the way to do it. Take note you Sompost.com bastards).

I was rather intrigued by the concept of a guide to funerals and had a browse; and I am glad I did. My current plans were to have myself cremated (after death preferably) and then ask for the ashes to be scattered on the Gulf of Thailand on the grounds that:

I have no idea what it is, but I will probably want it

Tue, 26 Jan 2010 00:00:00 +0000

A long time ago, in a land far away, I had a Creative Jukebox MP3 player. It was bulky, heavy, difficult to operate and had limited storage. I thought it was the coolest thing ever but obviously it was a device of limited interest. After all, not many people were interested in carrying around some of their music in a substantial box. It was a niche product for music-loving geeks like me.

Under my umbrella

Tue, 26 Jan 2010 00:00:00 +0000

Around Chiang Mai there are a number of craft factories. The publicity indicates that you can see how the product is made, and of course there may be a shop involved where you will be encouraged, by force if necessary, to make a purchase. Let’s go to the silk factory where a token silk worm in a glass case is the only indication of a manufacturing process. OK, you’ve seen that, now please check out our massive shop. Next stop is the silver factory where a lout with a hammer is banging on a lump of what may be silver but is probably tin. Now let’s look at the shop. Maybe I am exaggerating a little, but none of these places actually make all the goods that they have on display. Apart from the umbrella factory.

By their markets shall you know them

Mon, 25 Jan 2010 00:00:00 +0000

Pattaya has a night market. Every weekend in Theppasit road, a motley collection of stalls is set up, from which assorted tat is peddled. It’s a shambolic shrine to the mediocre and I always feel slightly depressed after visiting; although some of the food stalls are OK. She who must be obeyed enjoys her rummage through the mundane, but rarely comes home with anything more than additions to her already massive plastic hair-clip collection.

And then there is Myanmar. Cross the border at the Golden Triangle and you are immediately surrounded by men with baskets full of

A fiery farewell

Sun, 24 Jan 2010 00:00:00 +0000

You don’t have to walk very far in Chiang Mai to find a temple. So when we arrived, we took a stroll, and we stumbled on this:

Change of name advisory: chiangmaidays.com

Sat, 23 Jan 2010 00:00:00 +0000

Trip update - Warning, long post

Thu, 21 Jan 2010 00:00:00 +0000

Chiang Rai is fucking freezing. Send blankets.

Comments 🔗

2010-01-21 | genuinej says

“effin’ freezing”? The BBC weather site reports Chiang Rai temperatures 31c max 17c min. Hardly a problem for a hardy Brit, even an ex-pat one. There are other ways of keeping warm besides blankets btw, or have you forgotten?

2010-01-21 | Jamie says

What are blankets?

Jamie Phuket

2010-01-21 | Jock says

Milano zero degrees … “effin freezin”

My name is Mobi and I'm an alcoholic

Sun, 17 Jan 2010 00:00:00 +0000

We are about to embark on a one week tour of Chiang Mai and Chiang Rai with visiting friends. This means no posts for several days, and a deluge of posts and photos when I return. With the arrival of the lovely Panasonic GF1, I no longer feel the need to drag my monster DSLR and a bag of lenses along, so travelling light with photo gear will be a pleasant change.

And the sun is eclipsed by the moon

Fri, 15 Jan 2010 00:00:00 +0000

But only partially.

Eight tiers of dribble

Fri, 15 Jan 2010 00:00:00 +0000

In September I made a trip to Khao Chamao National Park. It rained and the day was a washout.

My and my fat friend Ray decided we should go again when the rainy season had stopped, and go earlier in the day so as to explore more of the park. And today was the day. We were in the park before 1000, and it was a lovely cool sunny morning. Ideal for some photography of the eight tiers of waterfalls for which the park is famous.

This was one of the lower falls in September:

Miracle of nine times accident

Thu, 14 Jan 2010 00:00:00 +0000

SOMPOST steals content

Thu, 14 Jan 2010 00:00:00 +0000

Pete is a very fine fellow. Firstly, because he said good things about this site, and I can never have enough of that. And secondly, he pointed out that some complete bastards are hijacking all my posts and sticking them on another site.

The evil empire is located here.

and if you scroll down to “most recent articles”, things may look familiar, but without the elegant enlargement of photos when you click on them, and no chance for you to make derisory comments.

Trinkets

Thu, 14 Jan 2010 00:00:00 +0000

English lessons

Wed, 13 Jan 2010 00:00:00 +0000

In a previous life I worked in Bangkok. The seventy five Thais I worked with were reasonably proficient at English, the official language of the company. But they had a desire to improve and I foolishly offered up my services as an “English buddy.” The deal was that I would make myself available in the second half of my lunch hour, and they could just roll up and ask me anything they wanted. Big mistake.

Just a lighthouse

Tue, 12 Jan 2010 00:00:00 +0000

Still doing little except slumping in a chair and regularly stretching my seized neck. Snapped this on the way back from lunch, just a little postcard shot.

No shit, Sherlock

Tue, 12 Jan 2010 00:00:00 +0000

No shit indeed, in fact Sherlock Holmes turned out to be remarkably good entertainment. “A Guy Ritchie film” should be enough to sound warning bells. Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels was fun. Snatch was a little less fun and often incomprehsible. Swept Away was a turd on the fabric of humanity, and RocknRolla was just weird, although it did offer some redemption in the shape of Thandie Newton.

Hard to imagine how the frenetic cinematography of Mr. Ritchie would translate to the measured world of Mr. Holmes; but it worked well; zooming into detailed clues which meant nothing to the audience until the very clever Sherlock revealed all later in the movie. There was also a substantial amount of hand to hand fighting which suits Ritchie’s style; consistent with the books but not with the smoking jacket, pipe and silly hat with which many associate with the character.

Snow culture

Mon, 11 Jan 2010 00:00:00 +0000

With the UK blanketed in snow, it is inevitable that those of an artistic bent will venture out and create magnificent snow sculptures. If Michelangelo were still alive today, one can’t help thinking that he would produce something like this:

Strawberry yoghurt trees

Mon, 11 Jan 2010 00:00:00 +0000

Further to the recent educational post regarding birds and planes, here is the less elegantly titled “I know it’s a car but what sort of tree” challenge, which again highlights my total ignorance regarding flora and fauna.

Here’s the car I spotted a couple of days ago:

Stroking something hard

Mon, 11 Jan 2010 00:00:00 +0000

I am lying on the sofa getting a massage. “It’s very hard” the young lady observes, “let me work on it and see if I can help”. I let her and the relief is almost immediate. Then suddenly the door opens and in walks she who must be obeyed.

Could this trigger a rush to acquire a kitchen knife and the swift removal of my genitals? Fortunately, no; because the hard object is a seized up muslce in my neck, and the lady doing something about it is the very wonderful Khun Pinkul, my favourite physio, and she has been tracked down by she who must be obeyed and persuaded to come and help me.

Oh to be in England

Fri, 08 Jan 2010 00:00:00 +0000

Property updates

Thu, 07 Jan 2010 00:00:00 +0000

January is as good a time as any to have a look at progress, or otherwise, of some of the property projects in the area.

The Tropical Dream Previously discussed here and here. I seem to get frequent hits regarding this project, probably because the developer’s website has disappeared.

The good news is that it is now being constructed:

Bell next to red post

Tue, 05 Jan 2010 00:00:00 +0000

Going for the sad and stormy look

Tue, 05 Jan 2010 00:00:00 +0000

She who must be obeyed, now sated with grapes, expresses her desire for a new photo of Guan Yin that she can have as her desktop image. As we have a Guan Yin statue near our house, and I welcome any chance to take a photo; I only express mild disgruntlement and a slight slamming of doors to show my displeasure at this huge imposition (not really).

Used the GF1, I managed to screw things up by choosing the wrong white balance setting; but the result was quite pleasing, at least to my eyes. Gives the background a rather sad, stormy look and makes the statue stand out. You mileage may vary, as indeed may the mileage of she who must be obeyed who is probably expecting something much more cheerful.

2010 - The year in review

Mon, 04 Jan 2010 00:00:00 +0000

How time flies, it’s the 4th already.

Following my new year’s resolution to relax and enjoy retirement more, I find that all I have done this year so far is:

Taken 1,923 photographs Processed 835 of those photographs Been windsurfing Spent a couple of hours at the radio control track in a fruitless attempt to get better. Watched The Hurt Locker which is a very tense movie about a bomb disposal squad, and A Perfect Getaway which isn’t, but it does have a cute twist. Cleaned up some cat vomit. Bought some seedless grapes for she who must be obeyed which will earn me monster hugs when she gets home ‘cos she loves them.

Enforcing the law, one soap at a time

Mon, 04 Jan 2010 00:00:00 +0000

Last night was a busy time on the roads as the population of Thailand headed home after their new year break. So of course we would look to the nation’s policemen to help ensure a smooth flow of traffic.

Heading back from the polo match I joined Sukhumvit south of Pattaya and hit a massive jam of traffic, presumably all heading home to Bangkok. It’s a clear stretch of road with two lanes in each direction, so no obvious reason why there should be problems. Then we arrived at some cones which were funneling cars into a single lane, and then there were the signs indicating this was a police checkpoint. An inconvenience, but no doubt the brave upholders of the law were there for a good reason. On the look out for assorted criminals perhaps, or drunken drivers.

Good news and bad news

Mon, 04 Jan 2010 00:00:00 +0000

The good news for you is that there are no more polo tournaments until February, which no more polo photos will be inflicted upon you (unless I find something really special over the next couple of days of processing). The bad news for me is that there are no more polo tournaments until February, I rather enjoy them.

Anyway, here are the (probably) final offerings from last weekend.

Hooves

Mon, 04 Jan 2010 00:00:00 +0000

No chance of this being mistaken for a post about football.

View the larger image, I think it is rather fine.

Is it a bird or is it a plane?

Mon, 04 Jan 2010 00:00:00 +0000

Yes.

Shot when nothing much was happening at the polo. I don’t know the name of either of them, perhaps you can help….

Keep your eye on the ball

Mon, 04 Jan 2010 00:00:00 +0000

Must be the school milk

Mon, 04 Jan 2010 00:00:00 +0000

Polo is a hard, rough sport played by adults. But nobody told Martine….

Goal!!

Sat, 02 Jan 2010 00:00:00 +0000

A time for reflection, and no TV

Thu, 31 Dec 2009 00:00:00 +0000

She who must be obeyed has been working over Xmas, and has to work today and tomorrow in order to accumulate some days for a trip we intend taking in January. But yesterday was a rare day off so we found ourselves, as is usually the case, sitting in a coffee shop.

I could see her looking around at the slick surroundings in a slick shopping mall, and then came the question: “How has life changed since you were young”?

Avatar, not just a toilet seat graphic

Wed, 30 Dec 2009 00:00:00 +0000

So, what proposals do we have today Brad?

Well, there’s a man who wants to make a movie using mainly special effects. The lead character will be blue and the movie will go on for nearly three hours.

Oh God, not another indie wannabe director. I suppose he is looking for 100,000 dollars to make his low-budget masterpiece.

Not exactly, he wants $300 million.

What?! You’d have to be on a shitload of drugs and have drunk enough alcohol to drown a horse to say “yes” to that one. And I am and I have. So, what’s the man’s name?

Good evening

Tue, 29 Dec 2009 00:00:00 +0000

Xmas is over

Tue, 29 Dec 2009 00:00:00 +0000

But nobody seems to have told these two; or maybe they just don’t listen:

Have you seen your Buddha baby, standing in the shadow?

Mon, 28 Dec 2009 00:00:00 +0000

Or, from the same musical source and perhaps more appropriate given that we are talking more Chinese gods than Buddha: Paint it black.

Having not had a chance to play much with my new camera, I took a little trip to Viharn Sien this morning. a pretty Chinese temple next to the lake featured in the Pattaya Days header image.

Modern Warfare 2 - Ban this filth!!

Sun, 27 Dec 2009 00:00:00 +0000

It a depressing feature of modern life that, on occasion, young men will take a gun or three and open fire on a school, workplace or some other location where people are gathered. Society recoils in horror and urgently needs a scapegoat for this evil deed. It could be poor parenting, a history of abuse, a pervasive gun culture, or just teenage hormones needing an extreme outlet; but all of these reasons need some analysis, and perhaps some partial acceptance of culpability by those doing the analysing. So it is much easier to blame it on a video game.

Woe, woe, woe my boat

Fri, 25 Dec 2009 00:00:00 +0000

Regular readers may recall the collision between two boats earlier this month which resulted in two deaths.

As predicted, the overhaul of safety procedures and prosecution of the owners of the boats never happened; but the unwitting drivers of the boats were promptly arrested because it was their fault they were employed without being properly licenced…..

There has now been some more “action”. A meeting was held yesterday morning at Pattaya City Hall, attended by a cast of thousands where, according to Pattaya Daily News, it was stated “that the city needs co-operation from all of the boat owners to strictly control their staff in following the rules. Police officers and rescue teams, including Harbour Department officers must be on patrol and arrest any illegal boat or boats that break any rules. Boats must be fully checked before leaving the pier and life jackets must be provided for everyone.”

Insect salesman

Thu, 24 Dec 2009 00:00:00 +0000

There is a man with a barrow full of fried insects who appears after dark. He announces his presence by playing the drums and then follows up with a performance on the spoons.

Forlorn, adrift on seas of beige; in this our golden age.

Wed, 23 Dec 2009 00:00:00 +0000

You can’t beat a bit of misery for Xmas.

Quite frankly I am sick of the manufactured pap that too often passes for popular music. Nowhere is this crap more publicly promoted than in the feeble “talent” shows such as the X-Factor which I have never personally suffered; but was made aware of the winner last year whose claim to fame was that she looked like an elephant but could actually sing. Her crime was then to release a cover, or rather a crude karaoke version of Hallelujah, a song that only should be attempted by artists. I understand this year’s winner has released similar junk and has been successfully kept from the number one position by a mass purchasing of a Rage Against The Machine song, which I have never heard either, but it has to be better than Cowell-pop.

The Cove

Wed, 23 Dec 2009 00:00:00 +0000

Consider the cow.

Look deep into the eyes and what do you see? A soulful being pondering existence and yearning for a mountain top and clear air? Unlikely, unless you are on drugs. At best it is ruminating about why it has to ruminate and manage a four-compartment stomach just to process grass. Most likely it is just being, and waiting to be a steak.

But imagine how Dick McDonald would have felt if he had awoken one morning and decided that such a gentle, placid creature should not be destined to be substantial component of a Big Mac (along with worms, cardboard and the general detritus swept off the floor at the abattoir). Imagine if he dedicated the rest of his life to righting his perceived wrongs.

Fizzing trophies

Mon, 21 Dec 2009 00:00:00 +0000

The polo event this weekend was the Polo Escape Celebration; and they decided this meant there had to be fireworks. “Can you take some photos please?”, was the request; little realising that to snap fireworks you need a tripod and a remote release, neither of which I had with me. Never mind, I used a table, stuck a couple of the trophies in front of me, propped up the camera on a pair of socks (slightly smelly), and pointed it approximately across the field where men with torches appeared to be preparing to do the business. I think they turned out quite well.

The obligatory pussy shot

Mon, 21 Dec 2009 00:00:00 +0000

It is an accepted ritual that the purchase of any new camera should be marked with the photographing of a cat. Such photographs are most often prominently displayed on photo sites by those who have just bought a zillion dollars worth of Leica and decide to show off their purchase by a snap of their cat disappearing in a blur behind the dustbin. This can lead to some disparaging comments.

Proud new owner: Here’s my cat, taken with my new zillion dollar camera. Sorry it’s a bit blurred. And dark. And only part of the cat; and not the attractive part.

Commenter: RTFM

Proud new owner: ?

Commenter: Read the fucking manual.

Not wishing to break with tradition, I cornered Tiki on the balcony this afternoon and aimed the GF1 at her eye. Seems like the focus works OK.

Twenty two up

Mon, 21 Dec 2009 00:00:00 +0000

All in the worst possible taste

Sun, 20 Dec 2009 00:00:00 +0000

Clarke Quay is an area of Singapore with a good choice of restaurants and bars.

Ride comes before a fall

Sun, 20 Dec 2009 00:00:00 +0000

Another polo tournament, and as usual it is Fede from Argentina who shows the most passion and commitment to the game. If the pony is not fast enough, then Fede just makes it to the ball through willpower and contortions. Having already fallen off and have the horse land on top of him within the first minute of the game…

The Panasonic GF1 - Falling in love again

Sun, 20 Dec 2009 00:00:00 +0000

I love action photography. Catching a moment like this gives me pleasure…

Singapore bling

Sat, 19 Dec 2009 00:00:00 +0000

Singapore. Whore-bitch high priestess at the altar of consumerism, or a very fine place to go shopping; depending on your viewpoint. I viewed it as a good place to take she who must be obeyed for an end of year treat.

Sure enough, with a balance available on her credit card and a shopping stamina that I could never match, she plundered Orchard Road and returned fully encumbered with shopping bags containing the usual junk that women feel compelled to buy. As for myself, being of the more rational gender when it comes to these things, I spent less than an hour making jut one carefully considered purchase during our visit. More on this later, but rest assured it could not possibly be yet another camera as I already have too many; or at least that is what she said when I brought it back to the hotel room.

Being that time of year, there were lights everywhere, which was good; and appalling festive music, which wasn’t. Of course I had to take some shots with the new camera I didn’t get.

Notice of absence

Mon, 14 Dec 2009 00:00:00 +0000

This is a notice that I will be absent. For about four days. Hence the title.

No posts.

All together now: ~~Who gives a shit?~~ Oh what a shame.

Please amuse yourselves, and wash your hands aftewards.

Thank you.

Comments 🔗

2009-12-14 | Farang Jai Dee says

Shall we assume you will be posting, finally again, some photos of the racing girls because you are out taking some pictures? :-) OK, wishful thinking

Tiny Machines

Sat, 12 Dec 2009 00:00:00 +0000

No, not Jock’s genitals. This:

Up up and away in my beautiful....elephant

Sat, 12 Dec 2009 00:00:00 +0000

The time: around 0600 The location: a field outside Pattaya. It’s barely dawn, but there is an object growing larger in the early morning light (ah, sweet memories):

Big machines

Thu, 10 Dec 2009 00:00:00 +0000

Small machines

Thu, 10 Dec 2009 00:00:00 +0000

Do I look fat like this?

Wed, 09 Dec 2009 00:00:00 +0000

Our cats, being cats, like to settle down wherever it suits them, in a position that they find comfortable, with no account taken of decorum or attractiveness; as Tiki illustrates below:

Stationery porn

Tue, 08 Dec 2009 00:00:00 +0000

She who must be obeyed has a variable weekend, and this week it falls on a Tuesday and Wednesday. As is often the case on her days off, we find ourselves in Central. The official purpose is to seek out some seedless grapes which we have previously enjoyed thanks to the reduced levels of spitting required. No joy there, so I compensated by buying a couple of doughnuts. Then there was the inevitable trip to the B2S stationery area.

She who must be obeyed has a thing about stationery, particularly pens. We (she) can’t walk past a stationery store without her just popping in for at least an hour in order to stock up on writing equipment. Of course we rarely write anything other than with a keyboard so the pens just lie around until they get lost or dry out; but having them around the house gives her some sort of comfort and it is a petty vice compared to, say, pearls.

So off she trots into B2S and emerges an aeon with a bag of goodies. Heading back to the car park I discover a previously unvisited area of the Central Mall selling Muji; joy, stationery porn! I can remember my son taking me into Muji in London many years ago and being captivated by the minimalist, cute, very Japanese products. If I still used business cards, they would be in my brushed alloy Muji case; and I still have a working Muji pen somewhere. I explain to she who must be obeyed that, if stationery stores were food outlets, then B2S would be KFC and Muji would have at least one Michelin star, but without the price difference.

So for the second time in a day, a stationery outlet is raided, this time with my full involvement. I end up with a tiny calendar I have no use for, a red pen (ditto) and a little notepad on a ring on which I will never write notes with the red pen I don’t need. SWMBO decides on a nail clipper which is no use to me because I remove my nails with my teeth as evolution or god intended, depending on ~~how much of a gullible fool you are~~ your belief system. Oh, and of course she needs another pen.

I had sex with Tiger Woods

Mon, 07 Dec 2009 00:00:00 +0000

Is the typical headline being splashed around newspapers and web pages in a pathetic attempt to attract more visitors; glad I don’t stoop so low.

As is typical in our celebrity obsessed society, the slightest hint of scandal and a horde of wannabe actresses, models, reality TV contestants and professional sluts come out of the woodwork claiming involvement. So when Mr. Tiger Woods innocently popped out for a late night drive and made the unforgivable mistake of driving without shoes (which is a capital offense in Florida) and then bumped into a fire hydrant (which carries the slightly lesser penalty of a fine); it was clear to the world that he was spreading his love around.

Get your fruit shakes here!

Sun, 06 Dec 2009 00:00:00 +0000

Synology sucks

Sun, 06 Dec 2009 00:00:00 +0000

I have spent a fair proportion of my adult life fiddling with computers. Not just the “come on you bugger, work” while pounding on the keyboard type fiddling, but also the “come on you bugger, work” while forcing components into incompatible slots and generating showers of sparks type fiddling. It’s the latter that consumes the most time and costs the most money (two motherboards destroyed in an afternoon was my best effort).

When the fiddling was successful, it was kind of fun. Upgrading your PC so you could play the latest games was satisfying, provided the bloody thing sprung to life after the upgrade. If it did, what a clever boy I was. If it didn’t, I had no idea how to fix it. There is this sick feeling in the stomach when you realise that your collection of wires and components has died, and you do not have the skills to resuscitate it; that you may have to take the mess down to Tuk Com and give it to a spotty teenager who will eventually get it working, but wipe your hard drive in the process, install assorted malware and steal half your memory cards.

Eventually, the pain and grief outweighed the pleasures and I move to a Mac. Nowadays, I don’t need to pound the keyboard because everything just works. I don’t need to rip out components because it won’t let me, and because the beast already does everything I ask it to do at indecent speed. Happy times. So why did my computer area look like this yesterday?"

Jetski King's Cup 2009

Sat, 05 Dec 2009 00:00:00 +0000

As you may have gathered from previous posts, I have no love for the pissed-up idiots who rent jetskis and drive them erratically around the bay. But restrict jetskis to a confined space and let them race each other, well I have no objection to that; I might even be tempted to take some photographs.

It’s the annual King’s Cup competition on Jomtien beach and it is a bugger to photograph. Main problem is that you are shooting almost directly into the sun, second problem is that there is naturally a load of spray which can play havoc with focusing. But the camera did brilliantly, ignoring the spray and keeping focus on the jetski. Couldn’t do much about the sun though.

The officials were suitably attired:

Who the fuck ordered all this concrete?

Fri, 04 Dec 2009 00:00:00 +0000

Enjoying an MK dinner with she who must be obeyed and the phone rings. It is Nik from the condo.

A cement truck has just driven into the condo.

Well, I didn’t order any.

It is has actually driven into the condo, as in, hit it. Hard.

Oh, better come home then.

So we did, and this was the scene (rather crap phone shot):

Death on the water

Wed, 02 Dec 2009 00:00:00 +0000

Most of the powered craft on the waters around Pattaya are piloted by morons. The jetskis are piloted by drunken morons, and the boats which carry tourists are piloted by individuals who may or may not be under the influence of mind-altering substances, but they are certainly morons. So it is of little surprise that a boat full of tourists heading out from Pattaya to Koh Larn managed to drive head on into a boat heading back from Koh Larn. The tragic result was two people dead and fourteen injured.

The curse of football

Wed, 02 Dec 2009 00:00:00 +0000

I have previously confirmed my disdain for football. But I did not explain why.

When I was a little Spike, my grandfather was a director of Newcastle United Football Club. This meant that I had the privilege of sitting in the director’s box to watch home matches. To a football fan I suppose this would be paradise. To a four year-old boy, it was hell. It was usually cold, the seats were uncomfortable, I was not allowed to bring toys, go to the toilet or eat food. Instead I had to watch more men than I could count, run around a field chasing a ball for what seemed like an eternity; while crowds of people around me shouted words that I got me into fucking deep shit (examples) if I repeated them to my parents. By the age of six I had resolved that I would never watch another football match in my life, and I haven’t.

Naturally I wanted to ensure that my offspring were not subjected to the same misery and to that end, a Scalextric tracks was established in my home before my son was born; before he was conceived actually. Of course, by the time he was old enough to be deemed sufficiently mature to be trusted with a Scalextric controller (at least aged 12), the cars had long since expired and the whole contraption consigned to the rubbish. But the seed was planted, and was reinforced by making him accompany his wanna-be-race-driver father to competitions which involved him sitting around for hours while daddy alternated between visiting the toilet in fear or swearing at the inevitable technical problems. All solid grounding for a young chap.

Looks more like vomit to me

Tue, 01 Dec 2009 00:00:00 +0000

'Why do you have six monitors?'......

Mon, 30 Nov 2009 00:00:00 +0000

……Someone asked the author Terry Pratchett. His reply: “Because I don’t have enough space for eight”.

Hairy mouse

Sun, 29 Nov 2009 00:00:00 +0000

If it’s good enough for The Pattaya Ghost, it’s good enough for me. No, not half the female population of Pattaya, but an Apple Magic Mouse. Having previously poured scorn on the idea of ever owning another crappy Apple mouse, I played with the new offering in a shop and rather liked it. The Ghost then confirmed it was good, so I added one onto the end of my order for my LCD monitor.

And I do like it. I glides nicely over any surface I choose (especially cats) and has a pleasant heft to it thanks to the metal body. The buttons have a solid click to them and the “scroll anywhere” feature is brilliant. Like The Ghost, I wish there was more I could do with my fingers (stay on topic folks), but expect there will be updates to facilitate that. Nice one Apple, the Logitech is in the drawer.

Of course, I had to photograph it. These are my initial efforts:

The last of the horses

Sun, 29 Nov 2009 00:00:00 +0000

Finished processing the shots from last weekend’s Kuppa Trophy polo tournament. Here are some that I like, maybe you will like them too.

A biker in disguise

Sat, 28 Nov 2009 00:00:00 +0000

Called to Bira today to take some photos of a professional racing biker. Regret to say I can’t recall his name, mainly because nobody told me what it was, but there was much fawning and doe-eyed admiration going on; so I assume he is quite good. The plan was for him to take Graham’s bike, and he ended up borrowing Graham’s race suit too, because he did not bring his own. Suddenly the reason for wanting the photos became obvious. Once the guy was suited up, he was, to the casual observer, Graham. So now Graham has a collection of photos of what appears to be him riding his bike in a perfect racing position.

Like this one:

Retirement; not an easy option.

Fri, 27 Nov 2009 00:00:00 +0000

Much celebration over on Billy’s blog where, after a lifetime of trying, he has finally persuaded our previously mutual employer that he should be released into the welcoming arms of early retirement. Well done that man, but let me assure him that retirement is not just the carpet slippers and the hours spent staring blankly into space that you might be looking forward to. It’s much harder work than that.

A focus on priorities

Thu, 26 Nov 2009 00:00:00 +0000

It’s been the usual week of mayhem and pillage in fun city. A man shot dead while fishing at a lake. A bomb at a construction site which critically injured a worker. Suicides, drug busts, a body washed ashore, and a law office attacked by gunfire (I can sort of understand that).

So, plenty to keep the local cops busy, as well as the usual activities of extorting cash from motorists and sleeping next to their bikes. Luckily they had the help from Police Colonel Gitipong, who holds the title of “deputy chief of special investigations for police region 2”. He mounted a massive operation yesterday and raided a snooker hall. Was his elite team of storm troopers there to arrest one or more of the many murderers, thieves, rapists, lawyers or drug runners at large in this town? Nope, they swooped upon a slot machine which, horrors of horrors, was rigged to pay out real money. This is illegal and is a crime that should be punishable by death.

The wonderful Waterfront

Wed, 25 Nov 2009 00:00:00 +0000

Five months since I last reported on this magnificent development, so thought it was time for an update.

This was the scene this morning:

Skin removal treatment

Tue, 24 Nov 2009 00:00:00 +0000

The last couple of days have been windy. Really windy. Like smallest sail you can find windy. And it has rapidly dawned on me that I am not as fit as I used to be. Truth is that I have done very little windsurfing since my accident a year ago, and what I have done has been in reasonably benign conditions.

All this is an excuse for the panting, wrecked individual that crawled out of the sea yesterday. She who must be obeyed was there to video me collapsing onto the beach, a piece of footage which will never be published to a wider audience if she knows what is good for her.

And of course high winds, choppy seas and an unfit sailor can only result in one outcome; an accident. My lovely new board was propelling me at a healthy pace across the water, until one particular wave launched the front of the board into the air, the wind inserted itself below the board, and the entire contraption, including me, was airborne.

The normal reaction to this event is to bend the legs, sheet in the sail and perform a neat jumping action before landing safely. But my reaction was to think “I don’t know where, and I don’t know how much, but this is going to hurt”. And it did. My head hit the mast, my legs hit the boom and my arm hit the board. The first two resulted in an ache for a while, but the latter was more messy.

New windsurfing boards have their decks treated with what is known as “non-slip”, which means sprayed-on, industrial strength sandpaper, extra coarse grade. This is great for giving grip to your feet, but it is also very effective at removing all the skin from other body parts should you be foolish enough to drag them across the board. And I was, and if you bother to look at a recent tweet you can see the result, a bit of a bloody mess which is refusing to stop being bloody; yuk

Never mind, the sun was spectacularly elegant on the way down to the horizon this evening.

A question of degrees

Mon, 23 Nov 2009 00:00:00 +0000

I’m a Northern boy. Never lived south of Teesside in the north east of England, and spent my last eight years in the UK in the chilling wastes of Aberdeen, where shirt sleeves in the depths of winter were de rigueur, and hypothermia was something invented by people south of the border.

But living in Asia for more than twenty years seems to have changed me. On our recent visit to Tak it felt decidedly chilly in the mornings, such that I was forced to wear a warm jacket that I had brought along for emergencies. And this was an emergency, it was bloody freezing.

So I was somewhat surprised to check the thermometer and find that the temperature was 19 degrees Celcius, slightly warmer than the hottest day ever recorded during an Aberdeen summer (a season which lasts no more than a week), and a temperature which would have had us stripped to bare essentials and consuming gallons of cooling ice cream, rather than seeking refuge in a warm jacket, whimpering like a puppy and sipping hot soup for warmth.

4900

Sun, 22 Nov 2009 00:00:00 +0000

That’s how many photographs I have taken over the last ten days. Still have about 1,500 left to process which will take the next couple of days. But she who must obeyed has suggested that what I need to do right now is go out for a draft beer; she is so wise sometimes.

Cultural imperialism from Manchester

Sun, 22 Nov 2009 00:00:00 +0000

Buffalo racing is a very Thai sport and I was hoping that my photographs would be able to capture the very Thai-ness of the activity. But some of the shots were ruined by product placement, in this instance by “Manchester United” which I understand is some sort of club whose purpose is to play an obscure game called “football”.

Buffalo Cowboy

Sat, 21 Nov 2009 00:00:00 +0000

Bufffalo races near the resevoir this morning, then off to polo this afternoon.

Get the strong impression that buffaloes are much more interested in wallowing around in muddy pools than racing. Having been well soaked in water, they are always reluctant to make the long journey down to the start line.

Pussy monitor

Sat, 21 Nov 2009 00:00:00 +0000

Just a little busy

Fri, 20 Nov 2009 00:00:00 +0000

Friday 13th - Shoot polo Saturday 14th - Shoot polo Sunday 15th - Shoot polo Monday 16th - Process polo photos Tuesday 17th - Process polo photos Wednesday 18th - Process polo photos Thursday 19th - a.m. Process polo photos Thursday 19th - p.m. Shoot polo Friday 20th - a.m. Process polo photos Friday 20th - p.m. Shoot polo

…and so it will continue, with shoots tomorrow and sunday and processing through early next week. More than 3,000 photos taken so far.

Oh no, it's more polo

Wed, 18 Nov 2009 00:00:00 +0000

Spent this morning finishing the processing of the photos from last weekend’s polo matches. Sunday’s shots were the best, thanks to clear air and sunshine. Here are some of my favourites:

2012 - A Space Idiocy

Tue, 17 Nov 2009 00:00:00 +0000

Idiot, failed ex-husband takes his two kids away for a weekend. Earth starts to explode. Returns kids to Mum who is married to successful plastic surgeon. Earth explodes some more and they all escape in a plane with new husband at the controls who has only had two lessons but manages to navigate the plane through an exploding city. There are several soft music moments where ex-husband tells kids that he loves them and they tell him the new husband is really cool. Some more kids appear on the scene, and a puppy; so now we have four children and one pet, all of whom are guaranteed to survive. Then a Russian billionaire turns up and he will certainly die because, although he is rich, he is uncouth.

Customer service from iStudio (aka idontgiveashit)

Tue, 17 Nov 2009 00:00:00 +0000

These must be hard times for those selling upmarket products, particularly in Thailand where mediocrity is preferred if it makes for something cheaper. So you would think that the likes of iStudio, who sell Apple gear, would be on their toes and out to grab any customer they can; especially when these potential customers have the option of buying online from the Apple store and have stuff delivered by courier at no extra charge.

Polo components

Mon, 16 Nov 2009 00:00:00 +0000

Not sure why I like this shot. The shape of the legs, the touch of blurring, the dust coming off the front hoof, the key components of a polo competitor.

Shit shovellers

Mon, 16 Nov 2009 00:00:00 +0000

If you are going to let a bunch of horses run around on a field, there are going to be consequences, two of which are shit and divots.

After every chukka a squad of ladies fans out to flattens the divots and scoop up the shit. Some degree of training is required for this task, because if you mix things up and flatten the shit and scoop up the divots, this would be detrimental to the quality of the grass.

Keep your eye on the ball

Sun, 15 Nov 2009 00:00:00 +0000

The pleasures of polo

Fri, 13 Nov 2009 00:00:00 +0000

First match of the season, and such a pleasure to be back at Polo Escape. Big hugs and “Hola!” from the Argentinian gauchos, and great hospitality from the owners Khun Susy and Khun Robin whose latest addition to the club is a massive bar/restaurant area complete with infinity edge swimming pool that looks out over the polo field. Tapas, wine and good conversation after a couple of hours of particularly hard core polo. Only downside are the 600+ photos that now have to be processed, with more to come tomorrow and Sunday.

You have been warned

Fri, 13 Nov 2009 00:00:00 +0000

Licence frustration

Wed, 11 Nov 2009 00:00:00 +0000

My driving licence expired on my birthday on the 29th October. No immediate rush to renew, I thought, but then plans changed and suddenly we were due to embark on our Tak trip and it seemed sensible that I should have a valid licence for the journey.

So on the following Monday morning I presented myself at the licencing office with all required papers; or so I thought. One thing they need is proof of residence. This can be provided with a letter from immigration (which costs 200 baht and takes time to acquire) or a Tambien Baan, which is a little book showing that you own or are residing in a property. There is a yellow Tambien Baan for foreigners living in a house which they don’t own, and a blue Tambien Baan which a foreigner can have if he/she owns a condo. I have the latter, so presented that with a flourish. “No good”, said the lady at the door, “need letter from immigration”. I protested and was allowed to appeal to the boss in the main office. “No good”, said the boss, “need letter from immigration”.

Sunset SUP

Wed, 11 Nov 2009 00:00:00 +0000

No wind today, but called by the club anyway and ended up going for an SUP session with Craig which was a welcome bit of exercise, and the usual pleasure of being out on the sea.

Paddling complete, we packed up, and then a sunset threatened, so Craig was despatched back onto the water.

Apocalypse Now Now Now

Tue, 10 Nov 2009 00:00:00 +0000

One of the great movies, and Apocalypse Now has been in my DVD collection for some time. Then Francis Ford Coppola did a new version, Apocalypse Now Redux, so I had to have that too.

During the filming of the movie, Coppola’s wife made a documentary of the production called “Hearts of Darkness”. This was hard to find and the best I could manage was a Torrent of a VHS copy.

Then, joy, I was browsing the new Boomerang DVD store in Central this week and they had a new DVD offering with the movie, Hearts of Darkness, and various other documentaries. Two discs full of goodness for less than 400 baht.

My Apocalypse Now collection is complete, until I get a Blu-ray player….

Waterfalls

Tue, 10 Nov 2009 00:00:00 +0000

Having safely made it through Death Highway, we checked into a resort in Umphang. Clean enough cabins and really excellent food, which was just as well because Umphang does not seem to offer much in the way of restaurants.

Fish soup and toast for an early breakfast and off in a truck to launch an inflatable into the river.

A sign of the times

Mon, 09 Nov 2009 00:00:00 +0000

Given that most men are slightly more picky than Jock; to encourage transactions with some of the less attractive ladies that ply their trade, this sign is to be erected at the start of Walking Street.

Don't have to live like a refugee*

Mon, 09 Nov 2009 00:00:00 +0000

On the road between Mae Sot and Umphang there is a refugee camp housing more than 20,000 souls, refugees from the very nice people who administer Myanmar. It actually looks well constructed and it is not clear whether the heavy army presence in the area is intended to keep people in or out of the camp.

Life on Death Highway

Mon, 09 Nov 2009 00:00:00 +0000

Umphang is a small town at the end of Death Highway with little to offer; but it does have a coffee shop (something I regard essential to maintain life), wherein can also be found a selection of souvenirs of varying quality from crap to very crap. One product is a sticker sporting the message “I survived the 1,219 corners of Death Highway”. Somewhat chancing fate to buy such a sticker in Umphang, because most likely you are planning to make the return journey to Mae Sot at some point and who knows what might happen…

Actually, probably nothing. The Death Highway is named not for the frequency of road accidents, but for the fact that various groups of insurgents were against the idea of building the road and vented their displeasure by slaughtering construction workers. One of the reasons why the road took more than ten years to build, the other being the fact that it stretches through 150 kilometres of mountainous scenery and must have been a substantial engineering and logistical challenge (“we seem to have lost the last batch of labourers, please send more”).

The scenery is beautiful and the road is well made, if a little twisty and littered with obstructions.

What's faster and taller than a speeding bus?

Mon, 09 Nov 2009 00:00:00 +0000

A truck full of furniture!

Go float your boat

Sun, 08 Nov 2009 00:00:00 +0000

Or, in Thai, Loy Krathong. It’s the day when Thais stick incense sticks and candles on a little boat and launch it on the water.

This is our Krathong, attracting the attention of Tiki who attempted to eat the candle immediately after the photo was taken. It was fashioned by hand, using all natural materials, by she who must be obeyed over a period of several hours. Or, we bought it on the street and the key ingredient is Styrofoam.

Too many kilometres

Sat, 07 Nov 2009 00:00:00 +0000

Saturday.

Friday was spent coming down from the mountains, with stops to view more waterfalls, plus the obligatory shopping and eating breaks. Saturday was meant to be spent driving to the sunflower fields on the way home; but by the time we had had breakfast, more shopping, lunch, more shopping and eating breaks, the day seemed to have too few hours left to visit sunflowers. Plus, we were missing the cats, so decided to go straight home.

All for a waterfall

Fri, 06 Nov 2009 00:00:00 +0000

Thursday.

Three hours in an inflatable boat. Forty kilometres driving on tracks that were not really suitable for driving on. Four kilometres on foot, down but more often up jungle trails. All to visit a waterfall.

Surprisingly, it was spectacularly worth it. There will be photos.

Right now, I need to sleep.

Comments 🔗

2009-11-06 | genuinej says

This National Park trip seems to be causing you to require an awful lot of sleep. I’ve just spent two days with my equivalent of SWMBO in an Enlish National Park, The New Forest, (as a sort of advance penance for my forthcoming 20 day golfing holiday in LOS) and found that my sleep needs were normal. Perhaps you should try it sometime. Meanwhile I hope you manage to get as much as you want; sleep that is.

The long and winding road

Fri, 06 Nov 2009 00:00:00 +0000

Wednesday,

About 150 kilometres and more than 1,200 corners, takes you from Tak, through mountainous countryside to Umphang.

With she who must be obeyed’s army father’s bodyguard as nominated driver, I am free to enjoy the view. In the back there is my wife, her mother and “Auntie Ning”. I have never been entirely sure about how she has auntie status, but she is pleasant enough; and the three ladies settle down to a long journey filled with snacking and a heated debate about Thaksin. Unclear as to whether it is a pro or anti Thaksin debate, but it is certainly heated.

Tak for the memory

Tue, 03 Nov 2009 00:00:00 +0000

Eight hours on the road, of which around six were spent going in the right direction. The rest was spent getting lost courtesy of the she who must be obeyed navigation service, plus stops to refill the snacks which were being constantly consumed.

620 kilometres later we arrive in Tak, just in time for the Loy Kratong competition. This involved a series of half hour shows by various districts. Dozens of dancers and musicians did their thing while a team of young men risked severe burns by feeding a constant stream of burning coconut shells into the water.

No connection

Mon, 02 Nov 2009 00:00:00 +0000

Somewhere between here and Bangkok there is a broken fibre- optic cable. So, no internet and this is being written on a phone.

Hopefully, normal service will be resumed eventually.

Comments 🔗

2009-11-02 | Billy says

I hope it gets better soon.

Product placement junkie

Sat, 31 Oct 2009 00:00:00 +0000

Wind!!

Lots of it too, at least for a while. Time to try out the new board which felt delightful underfoot and very speedy. Sadly I only got about thirty minutes of blasting before the wind dropped. More please.

Good to see the windsurfing club coming to life as the new season approaches. Plenty of boards on the water and some “I’m only here in the winter” faces appearing.

Gambling syndicate shock horror probe

Thu, 29 Oct 2009 00:00:00 +0000

The actual headline in the local press read “Aussie gambling-ring busted”.

The local police have their hands full, what with all the murders, rapes and general mayhem that is a feature of life in this fine city; not to mention the ongoing vigorous campaign against those not wearing helmets on a motorbike, which is all about increasing road safety and nothing to do with funds collection.

Even so, organised gambling syndicates can bring destitution and despair to those who unwittingly fall under their control, so good to see that the police are taking action against the evil mobsters who run these organisations.

I didn't order an anime whore!

Thu, 29 Oct 2009 00:00:00 +0000

Today is my actual birthday. Given that there can only be a few more years when I am able to get on a board and go sailing, it is of a some significance (to me) to go windsurfing on my birthday and wave a finger at decrepitude. You haven’t won yet you bastard! Last year was not possible because I was in the process of being discharged from hospital. This year there was no wind. Next year perhaps. I did get a cake from she who must be obeyed, and before I eat that we plan to go for a nice dinner somewhere. That’s about enough birthday excitement for someone my age.

There was something else to celebrate today apart from the coming into being of me; the release of the latest, and last, add-on for Grand Theft Auto IV; The Ballad of Gay Tony. Sadly I discovered I did not have enough Xbox credits to buy it, so will have to wait a week for a fresh supply to arrive from Hong Kong. Bugger.

Apart from a host of new missions, there are additional programs on the in-game TV stations. Station CNT, for example, will be bringing us the adventures of Princess Robot Bubblegum.

Also was pleased to see that GTA has not lowered standards in respect of generally pissing off those who adopt some form of moral stance:

Waiting for the wind

Thu, 29 Oct 2009 00:00:00 +0000

I don't have a notifcation clue

Tue, 27 Oct 2009 00:00:00 +0000

The latest service from the Pattaya City Call Centre:

Screwing like rabbits

Sun, 25 Oct 2009 00:00:00 +0000

Off to Central to raid the food hall to purchase essential ingredients for she who must be obeyed’s ham fussilli surprise, the surprise being that it doesn’t always have ham in it.

While there we take little sister to visit the much advertised “pet show” on the ground floor. We find a stall offering an assortment of dogs with well-scrambled genes, a sad looking terrier in a 1930’s look bathing suit, and a series of cages containing distressed wild animals which those with no compassion might be inclined to keep as a “pet”.

The ghost is the machine

Sun, 25 Oct 2009 00:00:00 +0000

A load of critics

Sat, 24 Oct 2009 00:00:00 +0000

I am a sucker for media. Apart from living too much of my life connected to the interwebby, I love movies, music and computer games and I am constantly on the look out for good stuff. My helper in this task is Metacritic.

Happy Anniversary

Thu, 22 Oct 2009 00:00:00 +0000

A year ago today I had the dubious pleasure of making a blog entry from the comfort of the intensive care unit of Bangkok Pattaya Hospital.

Recovering from a broken back was as about unpleasant as I expected it to be. Three months in a restraining brace was a form of torture. Then the brace came off and a new pain experience presented itself when all the muscles which had been on a three month holiday complained about having to work again. Lots of physio, exercises and hot pads; but the pain never really improved and I became resigned to a life of back agony. Then in August, the back decided I had been punished enough and everything started to feel better. It still hurts a bit, still stiff and I expect I will always live with a level of discomfort befitting a crushed vertebrae.

But it could have been so much worse. I still have no recollection as to what happened that afternoon. But I have seen what happened to my car and I realise I could easily have been killed, or paralysed, or had my perfectly chiseled features reduced to pulp. The fact that none of these things happened is down to:

The grace of god
Karma
Luck

My very good friend Desmond Tutu would go for number one. She who must be obeyed is in the number two camp. Me? I was bloody lucky. Whatever the reason, today is a day to celebrate being alive, being in one piece and still being almost unfairly handsome. So to mark the occasion I went sailing.

The wind was promising but it never blew enough to for planing windsurfing. So out with the Serenity which is 4+ meters of pure pleasure in lighter winds.

Heading out

Thu, 22 Oct 2009 00:00:00 +0000

Late afternoon on the beach south of Jomtien. After the storm, the sea was smooth and reflecting the setting sun.

The loneliness of the long distance SUP rider

Thu, 22 Oct 2009 00:00:00 +0000

Amara’s Windsurfing Club, after the storm this afternoon:

Jomtien Graffiti

Wed, 21 Oct 2009 00:00:00 +0000

A bit like American Graffiti, but with a smaller guard dog.

One of those potentially expensive days

Wed, 21 Oct 2009 00:00:00 +0000

I love my main camera, a Canon 1D. It cost far too much, but it has performed flawlessly for more than two years and taken tens of (hundreds of) thousands of shots. The trip to shoot the rally in India was an example of its excellence; four days of hard shooting with the camera ending up covered in dust and muck. It delivered thousands of great shots and it never missed a beat. I didn’t even have to charge the battery. It has more than paid for itself over the period I have owned it. It not only produces shots that customers are happy with, but just having it round your neck gives the impression that some serious photography is about to take place which must be worth the money being charged. This is often just bluff on my part, but it works.

I expect it is capable of giving excellent service for many years to come; but yesterday Canon announced the new 1D and I fully expected my natural “new gadget, want it” hormones to kick in. But I was rather pleased to find myself disappointed. There was the usual offering of more megapixels and better high ISO performance; but I was also hoping for 15 frames per second, but it stays at the existing 10. And there is now a video mode, which is interesting but not sure how much I would use it. And the whole offering is soured by an increase in price from $3,500 to $5,000. My lust metre is at zero.

Later in the day, Apple announced a new range of computers, and they are actually good upgrades, but I don’t want them. Or rather I don’t need them. When I had Windoze machines, every trip to Tukcom was an adventure. What exciting new part was on offer to boost performance? Would I return home with a bag of goodies and rip my machine apart yet again; never knowing if it would burst back into life after I had rebuilt it? Then I got an iMac and could look forward to days like yesterday to see if I could “justify” an upgrade. Then I got a Mac Pro and stuffed it full of hardrives (4), memory (10GB) and a raunchy graphics card. I now have my ideal computer which does everything I ask it to do, and quickly, and quietly, and reliably. Pop across into Windoze and it is a mean gaming machine too. It’s going to be years (that means more than one) before I feel the need for an upgrade.

Plugged into my Mac Pro is an Apple keyboard and it is excellent. Also plugged into my Mac Pro is a Logitech mouse, and it is also excellent. Originally it was an Apple Mighty Mouse, but it was crap. I had been warned by more than one Apple owner that the computers were good, but the mice sucked. And they do. Very little feel to the buttons, and the tiny scroll wheel looks cute but is difficult to use initially, and impossible to use later because it stops working. But Apple have solved this problem by eliminating the scroll wheel with the new mouse announced yesterday, the Magic Mouse.

An interesting week

Mon, 19 Oct 2009 00:00:00 +0000

I know I am under pain of death never to mention “Twitter” in a post again; but there you go, I’ve just gone and done it.

Yes, I know it is a very stupid name, and the “tweets” that go with it sound even more infantile; but it really is a surprisingly vibrant community where interesting issues bubble to the surface daily and are pursued. Forget about pre-teens from Idaho churning out junk; follow some respectable media people and you will be exposed to much of interest.

Fish eat sweaty feet

Mon, 19 Oct 2009 00:00:00 +0000

Here’s an attraction that is bound to boost the tourist arrivals over the coming months. It’s called Fish’N’Feet and the concept is simple. Stick your feet in a tank of fish and let them suck your flesh. The fish apparently enjoy sucking on dirty, sweaty feet; you apparently enjoy having you feet sucked, and the owner of the business pockets 90 baht. It’s symbiosis in action.

After the flood

Fri, 16 Oct 2009 00:00:00 +0000

To Bangkok yesterday for my six monthly appointment with the doctor who is keeping my thyroid from exploding and taking over my body. Have been seeing him for more years than I remember (eight?) and the ritual is always the same. Go to the hospital and get a blood test. Come back several hours later and see the doctor who peruses the results and tells me to keep on taking the pills. He has already told me I will probably have to take the pills until I die or until the next ice age arrives, whichever comes sooner; so these visits are merely a formality and a chance to give him some money and stock up on more pills.

This means a day in Bangkok which is tiring, and I arrive home suitably exhausted and in no mood to write anything; so I have a gin and tonic instead, safe in the knowledge you are still wondering what the Jenny post was all about (it amused me, justification enough).

Today, as has been the pattern for the last week, it rained. In fact it rained buckets for some time, and when I went out to attempt lunch, second road was still awash some three hours after the rain had stopped.

The trials of being Jenny

Wed, 14 Oct 2009 00:00:00 +0000

I am a cute young girl called Jenny and I play poker on-line. So far, it has been going very well. I started with around 10,000 chips and found a type of game where nine people contribute to a pot; and then you play until everyone but the winner has been eliminated. The final three share the pot. I found I was quite good at this and eventually I had more than one million chips. Took a while, because I only play small tables. Then one evening I played a 1,000 chip table and won, only to discover that it was a million chip table and my winnings were 3.5 million. Since then I have continued to win and now I have more than 5 million chips. But I still stick to the small tables because the other players are generally stupid, people who have bought large numbers of chips and are currently on their way down to chip bankruptcy; easy pickings.

Designed by committee

Tue, 13 Oct 2009 00:00:00 +0000

An early morning incident involving my feet and some cat vomit was not a good start to the day; but best smile forward because mother-in-law was coming for a couple of days and bringing she who must be obeyed’s (much younger) sister to stay for a little holiday. My abilities to amuse and control young children are well recognised as being completely inadequate, and it is understood that at no time during her stay will I be required to supervise her activities; which is just how I want it. Anyway, she is well-mannered little person so no real problem having her round the house.

Having made coffee for my mother-in-law (she likes my coffee almost as much as she likes me, and she likes me a lot), it was off to Chonburi. For some reason that was never explained, we had to deliver some honey to the town hall. On the way we stopped for snacks that looked like green slime but tasted really good, and some more coffee; just in case mine had not been sufficient.

Next to the town hall was a large building of such random design that it must have been designed by several committees, working independently, staffed by children, on drugs.

Flower desperation

Mon, 12 Oct 2009 00:00:00 +0000

Missed the squall of wind yesterday, and no sign of any wind today; so what is a frustrated windsurfer to do? Go take photos of flowers of course.

Twittering about with Deepak Chopra

Mon, 12 Oct 2009 00:00:00 +0000

Sunday was not the best of days. She who must be obeyed had planned a massive Pet Society session, and I had planned a massive keeping her company by fiddling around on the web and making banal comments session, in the absence of wind.

Then the internet disappeared. Some monster problem affecting many people apparently, and not to be fixed till Monday when the TT&T engineers (and I use the word loosely, as in “can wield a hammer”) returned reluctantly to work (and I use the word loosely, as in “arrive late, half pissed and do as little as possible”).

Young photographers

Sat, 10 Oct 2009 00:00:00 +0000

The B2S bookshop was running a promotion for a product aimed at children this morning. Unfortunately, they had decided to support the promotion with a purple elephant whose crossed eyes and general demeanour shouted out “malevolence” rather than “cuddly”. Most of the kids gave it a wide berth, but this future war photographer risked her life to get the shot:

Musical Delights

Fri, 09 Oct 2009 00:00:00 +0000

Every Michael Jackson cloud has a silver lining, and yesterday this came in the form of a souvenir. As one of the first five million people to buy tickets to see “This is it”, we were entitled to a cardboard folder containing a set of three tiles depicting the great man:

Drizzle

Wed, 07 Oct 2009 00:00:00 +0000

Bloody miserable endless drizzle the last couple of days; like being in Europe at any time apart from the one week of summer, only hotter.

Still, at least the buildings here do their best to look cheerful whatever the weather. This is the Sabai Dee Body Massage emporium on second road.

This isn't it

Tue, 06 Oct 2009 00:00:00 +0000

Call from she who must be obeyed, requesting that I drop by the Central Mall cinema to pick up four tickets for an upcoming documentary about Michael Jackson.

I know from whom the apparently urgent request has come. My wife has a friend whose husband is a huge Michael Jackson fan. He actually cried when he heard that Jackson had died. However, he is French so this probably doesn’t mean much; French men weep when they see a poignantly shaped vegetable in a supermarket.

A view from the bridge

Mon, 05 Oct 2009 00:00:00 +0000

Just sorting out my Singapore shots, once again the LX3 B&W mode looks good (to me):

A Throbbing Landmark

Sun, 04 Oct 2009 00:00:00 +0000

In our first full month of operations (May 2008), Pattaya Days enticed 316 lost souls through our welcoming doors. Attendance has climbed steadily since then, and last month the number of visits topped 5,000 for the first time. I have decided that this should be treated as “a landmark”.

I realise that, in the context of the wide wide world of web, 5,000 visits a month is not a lot; and sites that deal with the seamier side of life in Pattaya probably get more hits than that in a day. But if my readership crept too high, I think I would start to panic and feel compelled to produce something that actually offered some degree of quality, rather than the current offerings of rambling half-truths illustrated by snaps. Even more worryingly, I would probably be forced to think about how I could make some money out of it; which would rather spoil the objective of the whole enterprise. Assuming there is an objective, which there probably isn’t.

Netless

Sun, 04 Oct 2009 00:00:00 +0000

Generally I have been very happy with J-Net. As Thailand internet service providers go, they are pretty good. The internet is usually available, it is usually fast enough; and when things do go wrong, an English speaking person seems to care and sorts it out.

And I needed a caring English speaker on Wednesday afternoon because the wide wide world of web disappeared and didn’t come back. My PPP was down apparently, and the message on my router was in red, so it was a bad thing. Gave it a couple of hours and then called J-Net. Much concern expressed by the young lady at the end of the phone who said she would check and call me back. And she did (which itself is a minor miracle in this place), to give me the bad news it was “a line problem”, which is support desk speak for we don’t know what’s wrong and whatever it is may take a while.

Everything but the kitchen sink

Sat, 03 Oct 2009 00:00:00 +0000

Mini-project underway to tidy up the back part of the condo, the place where there is a strange machine that does amazing things to dirty clothes and where the supplies that support condo cleaning operations are stored. As an unnecessary aside, it’s also where the cats have a shit.

There is a dilapidated sink in this area and she who must be obeyed has deemed that it is to be replaced with something that is slightly less rubbish. So this morning we set out on a sink hunt. She knows of a place on Sukhumvit road that deals in second hand kitchen gear, so we go there. It’s a massive area, full of discarded kitchen equipment, a graveyard of hobs, sinks, bars and, rather surprisingly, a wooden Red Indian. Many a hopeful restaurant business (and Red Indian carving emporium) has come to grief and sold their fittings to this culinary junkyard.

Ten minutes for twenty baht

Fri, 02 Oct 2009 00:00:00 +0000

I join she who must be obeyed for dinner at MK, prior to one of our domestic shopping outings where the purchased items usually comprise water, fabric softener and assorted toiletries. Just my favourite sort of shopping.

Anyway, we near the end of our meal and it is time to call for the bill. As is the case with most of our regular eating haunts, we have an MK discount card. It is my job to carry the cards for some of the restaurants, but she who must be obeyed is in charge of the MK piece of plastic.

Half as many wheels, much more accessibility

Thu, 01 Oct 2009 00:00:00 +0000

A session at Bira. The riders were relative beginners, so they were not providing extreme knee-scraping action. But after the restricted shooting opportunities of a Formula One circuit, it was good to stand in any suicidal position that took my fancy; such as the apex of a corner leaning out over the track.

Pussy Surveillance

Wed, 30 Sep 2009 00:00:00 +0000

Singapore is clearly a well-ordered society with less than normal levels of crime. But walking around, you don’t see too many policeman, so what’s the secret?

The answer is CCTV cameras and they are everywhere; although this cat has maybe found a blind spot.

Nobody does it better

Tue, 29 Sep 2009 00:00:00 +0000

I have been attending Formula One races for longer than I would care to admit; but I will admit to chatting with Graham Hill in the Brands Hatch paddock several lifetimes ago. You could do that in those days, but nowadays the most you will see of a driver is his helmet; given the pressures that hundreds of millions of dollars of sponsorship has brought.

Formula One may be run in a much more professional, and thankfully safer, way than it used to be; but the facilities for spectators have been much slower in catching up. Worst culprit in my experience was Spa in Belgium. The car park was a muddy field which had recently been inhabited by cows with a stomach complaint, staffed by mafia men who extracted large amounts of cash to let you wade through cow shit for several kilometres before arriving at the trackside which was equally muddy but slightly less shitty. God help you if you wanted the toilet in a rush, because there was always a long queue to enter the non-flushing portakabin which had apparently been soaked in urine for a week to impart a particularly tangy aroma. And you would never, ever, consider sitting down to do what the cows had been doing copiously in the previous weeks. Now wash your hands? Where? No running water.

Time for some food then. To a stall, also run by the mafia where you would queue for an hour before handing over a week’s salary for a ~~hot~~ slightly warm on the outside but cold in the middle dog, slammed into some stale bread and garnished with watered-down ketchup to hide the revolting taste of the food and the suspicious aroma lingering on your fingers after that trip to the urine infested shack.

Ablutions and eating complete, you can relax and enjoy the day. Except nothing much happens. A minor support race if you are lucky, and then the inevitable fly by of some crappy fighter painted in national colours which lasts precisely four seconds, “gosh, that was so loud. And so boring.” So instead you sit in mud, aching for a shit, and grit your teeth throughout the Grand Prix before making a dash to the muddy field and queueing for several hours to escape what may be the world’s greatest race track, but the world’s worst facilities. But it doesn’t really matter because you have spent two hours watching Nigel Mansell arriving sideways into Les Combes on every lap and you will never forget the experience; as I haven’t.

But now Singapore. I know there are other street circuits, but you have to admire the courage required to build a racetrack in the heart of a hotel/shopping mall district, and do it in a way such that everything around the track continues to function. And it all looks so damn good. The track itself is, out of necessity, a snaking cake of fencing and clever stuff for cars to bounce off when it all goes wrong. But around the track there are lanterns and flowers and decorations that will presumably have already been ripped down; but they give the place an atmosphere of permanence and charm; with the Singapore skyline as a backdrop.

The track goes across this flower lined bridge, with the 3 million watt lighting system overhead which must make for a hell of an electricity bill.

F1 on the streets of Singapore

Mon, 28 Sep 2009 00:00:00 +0000

There are two types of photographers at a Formula 1 race. There are the official F1 photographers who wear fancy jackets and are allowed to shoot from almost anywhere; they are also known as “lucky bastards”. Then there are the rest of us who are confined to one location and can’t see very much, let alone photograph it. This is particularly true at a street circuit like Singapore where you are very close to the cars, but then have to be protected from airborne cars and assorted components by a wire fence which is rather hard to shoot through.

For this reason I decided not to take my serious camera to Singapore. I would take the LX3 for some general shots, and just take hand baggage with some spare clothes. Then I foolishly bought my friend in Singapore a condo warming present of a corkscrew; one of those monster corkscrews that could also be used for digging escape tunnels should you happen to be imprisoned. I then realised it would also be useful as a tool to intimidate airline pilots and that I would not be allowed to take it on the plane. Which meant I would have to check in my baggage. Which meant I would have nothing to hand carry. Which meant I decided I might as well carry my big camera after all. So I did; and once I arrived in Singapore we went straight to the track for the Friday evening practice which ran from 2130 to 2300. The track lighting provided enough illumination for the drivers, but not enough for photography without cranking up the ISO, but I got some reasonable shots. Here are some of them:

Singapore bound

Fri, 25 Sep 2009 00:00:00 +0000

About to leave for Singapore and the Grand Prix. My host for the weekend tells me there is already a great atmosphere in town and I can’t wait to get there. Problem is, I am finding it rather hard to pack.

Toys for the boys

Fri, 25 Sep 2009 00:00:00 +0000

Like naught boys in school, the politicians and military of Thailand get up to all sorts of tricks when the boss leaves the country; as Thaksin found out to his cost when he was thrown out by a coup. With Abhisit away at the United Nations, it had been a golden opportunity for his boys in government to get together with the military and hand out some extra cash; 10 billion baht to be precise.

Half life joke

Tue, 22 Sep 2009 00:00:00 +0000

I do not normally use the organ to praise the wit of others, but here comes an exception.

First, you need to know that you can buy Uranium via Amazon. Not as scary as it sounds, just low grade stuff for testing instruments and making your body parts glow in the dark.

In search of wind chimes

Tue, 22 Sep 2009 00:00:00 +0000

Marriage. It’s not just whimpering with fear in a darkened room. There is also the shopping.

The recent whirlwind tour of our property by a Feng Shui ~~charlatan~~ expert resulted in a long hit-list of changes that were required to increase our good fortune. Some of them were straight forward, involving the re-positioning of mirrors; but we were also required to obtain a wind chime to be hung at a particular location on the front balcony.

Wind chimes have their place. You are in a verdant garden, the air heavy with the perfume from numerous flowers and burning incense sticks. From afar you hear the timeless chant of the monks, and close by there is the delicate tinkle of a wind chime as it moves in the soft breeze that cools the air. You linger for only a while, because then you have to go and take more drugs because no way does a place like this actually exist unless you are full of recreational substances.

On the other hand, a wind chime on a balcony next to the sea, particularly at a time of year when the north east monsoon wind is in the offing, is a very bad idea. The occasional tinkle is OK, the incessant bloody tinkling, twenty four hours a day, right outside the bedroom, is not. I fear any wind chime is going to have a limited life span before it is mysteriously kicked back to component parts (“it must have been the cats, dear”).

Anyway, we had to buy it first, and not just any wind chime. It had to have four hanging down bits and not be silver; which is the exact opposite of the specifications of most wind chimes on the market. So we went to the Floating Market in search of wind chime elusiveness. We took cameras, because she who must be obeyed needed some shots for her company website.

A girl up on my bike is what I like

Sun, 20 Sep 2009 00:00:00 +0000

Or, preferably, nine.

Beijing Acrobatics Fantasy

Sun, 20 Sep 2009 00:00:00 +0000

The two green pots on your head trick

Sun, 20 Sep 2009 00:00:00 +0000

Not a grand day out

Fri, 18 Sep 2009 00:00:00 +0000

Head out for a day’s photography with my fat friend Ray. He keeps different hours than the rest of us, so a departure before early afternoon is not feasible. We are heading for Khao Chamao National Park which is south of Rayong and about two hours drive. There are a series of waterfalls and assorted wildlife to potentially poke a lens at.

On the way it rains hard which slows us down, and we do not arrive until 1500, which still gives us 2-3 hours of shooting time; or it would if it were not for the fact that we discover that the park shuts at 1600. Bugger. So, accompanied by a light drizzle, we start the climb into the park and make it to one of the lower waterfalls before it is time to turn back. The rain gets steadily heavier and I am quite grateful to take a couple of snaps and then return down the muddy track. A shame about the branch across the middle of the waterfall. A shame we didn’t have time to climb to the bigger falls.

Bangkok Pattaya Hospital Anatomy Lesson

Wed, 16 Sep 2009 00:00:00 +0000

Recent arrival Jerry, he of the driving licence acquisition, has now settled in and, as befitting a man on a pension, has started playing football; with inevitable consequences.

So off down to Bangkok Pattaya Hospital with a torn calf muscle and a pain in his lower back. The doctor calls for an X-Ray of the right side of his back and off he trots (or rather, hobbles) to the radiology department where the right side of his torso is X-rayed.

Living in a box

Tue, 15 Sep 2009 00:00:00 +0000

Large shipment of supplies to the windsurfing club today, the fallout from which was a number of long cardboard boxes. Knowing that such a box would be appreciated by a couple of residents of my condo, I “borrowed” one.

Sure enough, as soon as I put it on the floor they were in it, and are still there one hour later. So, may I present the amazing 2 metre long cat:

More work required

Mon, 14 Sep 2009 00:00:00 +0000

In a previous life I was an occasional scuba diver. I used to travel around sites in Malaysia with my son. There is something about knowing that you are both enjoying a decompression stop pee that makes for bonding, and it was fun diving together. To spice things up, we had a Sea & Sea underwater camera. It was film in those days, so you were limited to the number of shots you could take on a dive. And after the dive there was the long and tiresome process of rinsing and drying the camera and then cleaning and re-greasing the hundreds (OK, five) seals that were crucial to ensure the internals stayed dry at 30 metres. Everything was manual, and the chances of achieving a single usable shot from a roll of film were slight.

Still, after many, many rolls, we got a few. Actually I think my son got most of them, like this beautiful whale shark off Ningaloo reef in Australia:

Variable horsepower

Mon, 14 Sep 2009 00:00:00 +0000

I don’t know if this is a real Toyota truck, or a re-body job; but I like it:

Simon sucks

Fri, 11 Sep 2009 00:00:00 +0000

Ever detest someone just because of the way they talk (apart from the French, obviously)? Simon has that effect on me. He has one of those totally flat accents, not Eton educated, but not Wigan Secondary Modern either. Probably went to a lowly rated grammar school, sent there by his doting parents. I guess father was a dentist and mother a teacher. He was mildly bullied at school, worries he may be a little gay, and has a girlfriend called Susan who won’t let him. He may be a very pleasant chap, but I just can’t stand the way he talks.

Track time

Fri, 11 Sep 2009 00:00:00 +0000

Race meeting at Bira circuit this weekend. As I wish to be on the inside of the circuit and have access to the grid, I need a press pass. This is achieved by turning up on qualifying day (today) and heading for the media office with my monster lens attached to the camera. This seems enough to convince people that I am serious and deserving of a press pass and car sticker.

While I am there I take a few shots. There is a race for minis, many of which seem to have come from Hong Kong:

The whid is bad

Wed, 09 Sep 2009 00:00:00 +0000

It is a depressing fact that my language skills are limited. On a good day, I can just about get by in English. After several beers I am fluent in Spanish, although not according to any sober Spanish speakers who may be listening. But communication with the rest of the world must be conducted via sign language and hopeful grunting (actually, I can get by in French; but who the hell would I want to talk to?). This linguistic lapse is no more evident than in my adopted country of Thailand. I did start with good intentions and took weekly language lessons, but progress was slow; especially after I ended up dating my Thai teacher rather than learning from her. In the end I gave up, and just worked on my sign language and grunting.

Luckily, I found she who must be obeyed, whose qualities are many, including an ability to speak English. A degree from university in English certainly helped, but I like to think that I have added some spice to her vocabulary over the years. How proud I am when she exclaims “what a twat!” at some errant driver; how I good it makes me feel when she quotes freely from “Little Britain” (“kerfuffle” is now a regular part of her vocabulary). Courtesy of my regular rants, she has also equipped herself with a full arsenal of Anglo-Saxon swearwords, although when she is REALLY mad, she switches to Thai. There are many reasons I am glad she is my wife, but her ability to communicate to me in my own language without requiring me to learn hers, is certainly one of them.

My friend Nik upstairs is infinitely more competent in these matters. Not only can he speak Thai, he can also read and write what to me are nothing but squiggles. Respect. Which means that the qualities he looks for in a partner do not include an ability to converse in English. And indeed his latest lady (he does replace them with frightening regularity) has very limited English skills. But she is trying to improve and so went out to buy a book. Very soon she was speaking more English, but it was all bollocks, so Nik checked the book. Here is one page:

Pizza focus

Tue, 08 Sep 2009 00:00:00 +0000

A film crew arrives on the beach this morning. Substantial collection of lights, reflectors and diffusers, with a large generator supporting the operation.

The perils of publishing

Mon, 07 Sep 2009 00:00:00 +0000

One of the risks of putting your thoughts out onto the wide wide world of web is that you lay yourself open to abuse from those who might disagree with your views. Billy solves this problem by making his site ‘members only’. Of course he still gets insulted and I like to thing I am in the top five abusers on his site, but at least he knows where I live if he wants to do something about it. My personal experience has been almost entirely positive, with nearly 2,000 comments containing wisdom, banter and amusement; thank you all.

Unfortunately, the unbroken record of quality was broken yesterday in response to my entirely reasonable, if not exactly compassionate, argument regarding those who choose to whizz at speed around Pattaya on large bikes. Still it could have been worse.

Pattaya Daily News, a source from which I regularly steal stories to twist for my own purposes, carried extensive coverage of the Iranian couple copulating on the beach for the entertainment of onlookers, another story I bastardised in the same post. Supporting the story, they included photos of the bonking couple and shots of the embarrassed duo at the police station. All entertaining stuff.

However, this story did not amuse a bunch of hackers in Iran who took over the Pattaya Daily News site and posted some friendly messages:

A rather spiffing day

Sun, 06 Sep 2009 00:00:00 +0000

This morning, Jerry and I went to collect our new iPhones. I was looking forward to replacing my 1,000 baht piece of plastic crap, but there was one potential hurdle to overcome. For some inexplicable reason, True had decided that foreigners that wished to buy an iPhone had to provide evidence of a work permit. Now, to have a work permit I would have to work, and what is the point in doing that? However, armed with my retirement visa I felt I had a solid argument to present to the sales assistants:

Lost in Translation

Fri, 04 Sep 2009 00:00:00 +0000

Internet spam used to be a real pain, but I find that gmail is extremely efficient at rooting out the rubbish, and it is only occasionally that I am offered discount pharmaceuticals or the chance to increase the size of my genitals. Similarly, the world of the Wordpress blog is prone to junk, and the very efficient Akismet does a good job of sparing us all from offers of used cars in Ohio and the like.

Sex and drugs and dickhead death

Fri, 04 Sep 2009 00:00:00 +0000

Pattaya, the city where normal rules don’t apply.

Not true, but there are those here who fail to realise that with varying degrees of unfortunate consequences.

Sex. Take a ramble down Walking Street or one of the many other areas that cater to the flesh trade, and it’s easy to believe that anything goes here. And indeed it is true that you can probably indulge any sexual fantasy that floats your boat (unless it involves a donkey; they are in short supply. Not that I care. A friend told me. Really). But the reality is that Thailand is a very conservative country in such matters. Watch Thai couples together and you will see them holding hands, but no more than that. She who must obeyed is more liberal than most, but it we would never kiss in public; it’s just not done.

Plastic-wrapped prayers

Thu, 03 Sep 2009 00:00:00 +0000

And in other news

Wed, 02 Sep 2009 00:00:00 +0000

Khun Wimon was a happy young lady who arrived in Pattaya for a bit of a holiday. She went to an ATM on Jomtien beach and withdrew 10,000 baht. She was promptly set upon by two thugs who stole her bag containing the money and mobile phones, and then punched her in the stomach. “I’m never coming to Pattaya again” exclaimed the shocked Khun Wimon, lying in hospital clutching her stomach.

Good news and bad news

Wed, 02 Sep 2009 00:00:00 +0000

Following True’s failure to deliver an iPhone 3GS last month, I was expecting to be waiting for at least a couple of weeks before hearing more. But a call this morning advised me I could go and collect my new toy this Sunday; any time from 1000. I reckon 1001 will be a reasonable time.

Then this afternoon I have a collection to make from my drug dealer (the very nice lady at the Polo club who has a kilo of her finest expresso coffee beans waiting for me). I make a few diversions along the way to take some photos. As usual, my iPhone is close by, often nestling between my legs so I can access it at traffic lights to do a bit of surfing or check my mail. Then I get home and discover that there is nothing nestling between my legs (no jokes please). At some point I have jumped out of the car and the phone has jumped with me, and I have left it behind. I am pretty sure I know where I lost it, but by the time I get back to the spot, there is of course no sign. Bugger.

Stalag Luft Crap

Wed, 02 Sep 2009 00:00:00 +0000

That was the week that was

Mon, 31 Aug 2009 00:00:00 +0000

A shade over seven days since I arrived home from India, I am off to the post office to courier six sets of two DVDs. Spent most of yesterday burning, designing and printing discs, and then decided that each of the disc boxes should have a different cover, to feature each of the major sponsors. Looked cool, took time.

So, nearly two weeks of Indian rally related stuff, but now life returns to normality for a while, so how about spicing up the day by installing Snow Leopard? Two copies arrived this morning, one for me and one for Nik upstairs. Nik calls me after an hour or so to tell me that he can’t upgrade, his machine just shuts down after a few minutes in a display of digital spite. As we have almost identical machines, this is a cause for some concern. But I embark on the exercise anyway and sit and scowl at the monitor for 45 minutes just in case there are signs it might betray me. It doesn’t, so now I am upgraded and things feel marginally snappier. Nik removes his somewhat obscure mouse and tablet combination and Snow Leopard finally, grudgingly agrees to install on his machine also. Sighs of relief all round. Spend an hour trying to find some exciting new features to justify the 1,200 baht price, and fail. I mutter “foundation for the future” to myself in an unconvincing manner.

A delightful spelling mistook

Sat, 29 Aug 2009 00:00:00 +0000

Off to see the latest offering from Mr. Tarantino, the spellchecker wrecking Inglourious Basterds. More than two and half hours of extended chatting, ultra-violence, assorted weirdness and flashes of genius cinematography; and the best offering of Bowie’s Cat People ever.

It was akin to drinking several margaritas; quite a pleasant experience, but it wasn’t till much later that you feel the impact. Unlike drinking several margaritas, it was an experience I was eager to repeat immediately.

Processing complete

Sat, 29 Aug 2009 00:00:00 +0000

That champagne smile

Fri, 28 Aug 2009 00:00:00 +0000

Still working through my rally shots, and found this.

True Lies

Fri, 28 Aug 2009 00:00:00 +0000

August 28th, and a minor milestone day for Apple customers in Thailand. Along with the rest of the world, we can buy the latest iteration of the operating system, Snow Leopard. And today is the day when the iPhone 3GS becomes available. Or not.

True is the company responsible for the world’s worst cable TV service; they also have the contract for bringing the iPhone into Thailand. I ordered mine three weeks ago, and the order contained strict instructions that I had to collect my phone on the 28th or else I would forfeit my deposit. Sadly there was nothing in the contract that said that all employees of True would commit ritual suicide should they fail to deliver the phone on that date. Because, of course, they have failed.

And on the seventh day he rested

Wed, 26 Aug 2009 00:00:00 +0000

No he bloody didn’t.

Sunday, the last day of the rally, and we head for a stadium on the outskirts of Bangalore where a makeshift track had been created. There is a watersplash and a jump. I opt for the jump while Kishen takes the watersplash. The cars are to make two and half circuits of the track, which gives ample time for shooting from a variety of angles. It’s a couple of hours of non-stop action and I love it; as does the crowd who become increasingly energised.

It's all about the product

Wed, 26 Aug 2009 00:00:00 +0000

Second day on the stages, with the cars coming in the opposite direction to the previous day, and heavy overnight rain dampening the dust (which is a bad thing in terms of photography ‘cos the dust clouds are gone and the cars get covered in orange sludge). Talking more with Anna and Kishan, I begin to realise that they don’t just want photos of rally cars, they want photos of rally cars next to sponsor’s signboards. The video teams know this and spend some time moving the signboards around to maximise exposure. I do my best to include some signage as I snap away. Sometimes it was subtle:

All change

Tue, 25 Aug 2009 00:00:00 +0000

Regular visitors will be used to seeing graphical displays showing where visitors to this site are located. Enough of that I say. We are one world, we share the same planet, we are brothers and sisters and our nationalities are of no importance (apart from the French). I refuse to highlight our geographic differences, dear children of the world. More importantly perhaps, I am too mean to renew the subscription for the service.

Flagged away

Tue, 25 Aug 2009 00:00:00 +0000

Second day in Bangalore and it is the official start of the rally. The cars have to be checked out by the scrutineers before the start, so I head for the scrutineering bay. I am wearing my media pass and so walk past the two guards at the entrance.

A voice rings out, “Sir, please wait a moment”. I stop. “OK sir, you can go now”. In the fraction of the second between the two sentences, the guard who has stopped me has looked at the other guard who has given a nod of approval. So we have a clear hierarchy here. One guard to do all the stopping and the other to take the decisions. I will leave it you to decide which one is the boss (hint: facial hair is power):

Let's get dusty

Tue, 25 Aug 2009 00:00:00 +0000

First day on the stages, which are ninety minutes out of Bangalore; and there wasn’t a single minute on the journey when I didn’t want the driver to stop and let me take some photographs, this is a very photogenic country. And there were the occasional moments when I was convinced we were all about to die, the approach to driving is somewhat random; like Thailand but with less directional stability and more use of horns.

After our recce on the first day, I was meant to sit down with Kishen and agree who would photograph where. But that never happened and instead I found myself dropped on the road next to the first stage and left to get on with it. Within five minutes I had regretted bringing my monster 300mm lens. My backpack weighed in at 12 kilos, which is 11 kilos more than I normally like to carry up a dusty hill in the sunshine.

There were three stages, and the cars would cover each stage twice on the first day, and twice on the second day, driving in the reverse direction. With 60+ cars in the event, there would be almost continuous action for the next 4-5 hours; so off I went.

Rallying is not that easy to photograph. As well as forward movement, the car is bouncing up and down, so shutter speeds cannot be too low. This is at 1/125th second:

Back from Bangalore

Mon, 24 Aug 2009 00:00:00 +0000

5 days, 3500 photographs, and a load of fond memories. Oh, and mountains of dust.

This was my camera after yesterday, and it had been cleaned the night before:

Bangalore busy

Fri, 21 Aug 2009 00:00:00 +0000

Now immersed in shooting, processing and meeting impossible deadlines. And battling intermittent internet.

No more updates until next week.

Comments 🔗

2009-08-21 | Billy says

Crap Internet in Banglalore, eh? .. could explain why the “help” desk never get back to me …

And on that point, if you meet a guy called Bhanjit, please poke him on the nose, much appreciated ..

2009-08-24 | Spike says

I did, but I think I chose the wrong Bhanjit. The stitches will be removed next week.

What goes up, must come down

Fri, 21 Aug 2009 00:00:00 +0000

Bangalore day 1

Wed, 19 Aug 2009 00:00:00 +0000

Five minutes in India and there is a man in a mask poking a gun in my face. Luckily he is a doctor and the gun measures my temperature to ensure I am not riddled with swine flu. Appears I am not and I join the immigration queue which, unlike certain other places, does not differentiate between Indians and foreigners.

Bangalore airport is new, fresh and makes Suvarnabhumi look like a corruption ridden pile in a swamp by comparison. No touts allowed at the exit, just a man with a sign with my name on it, who whisks me off onto some smart looking roads which are pretty quiet as it is around midnight (sad fact: pubs in Bangalore close at 2330).

Bangalore bound

Tue, 18 Aug 2009 00:00:00 +0000

I sit surrounded by lists and camera bits, wondering how I am going to get it all on the plane, while a fretting she who must be obeyed worries about the trip and keeps telling me how much she is going to miss me. I will miss her too, but expect I will also be somewhat busy chasing a bunch of rally cars round the Indian countryside.

I don’t know much about the itinerary yet. I am to be met at the airport this evening by car and driver and whisked to the house of the rally organiser, where I will stay the night. Tomorrow we will be up early to recce the route along with the drivers, so I can pick places to photograph the action.

Jimmy got ink

Mon, 17 Aug 2009 00:00:00 +0000

A day at Bira, cut short because the track was soaked with rain that just would not go away. A shame because Jimmy had promised some special stunts; instead we had the chance to admire his latest tattoo.

Let food be your mantra

Sun, 16 Aug 2009 00:00:00 +0000

The way to an Asian heart is through the stomach. The joy of food lives larger in the Asian psyche than it does in other cultures, and awareness of this can make life easier for an outsider whilst simultaneously playing havoc with the waistline.

When I worked in Bangkok I had five Thai managers who worked for me. They were all good people in different ways, and they were an essential buffer between the realities of the Thai workplace and the little oasis of caffeinated calm that was my office on a good day. So I had to keep them happy, and the best way to do that was to feed them regularly.

A room with a view

Sat, 15 Aug 2009 00:00:00 +0000

This morning we pay a visit to a development offering houses right next to the sea. Antony has made good use of his ransacking of hotel bedrooms and sold off sufficient small bottles of shampoo to buy a unit.

It is easy to imagine boards and sails waiting on the patio, ready to go sailing whenever I feel like it.

Every town shouldn't have one

Sat, 15 Aug 2009 00:00:00 +0000

A Holiday Inn that is. But, without previously informing me, it appears that Pattaya is about to get one.

R.I.P.

Fri, 14 Aug 2009 00:00:00 +0000

Thanks for the memory

Fri, 14 Aug 2009 00:00:00 +0000

Have been searching for something suitable for backing-up my photos while in India, and today I decided that a couple of 16GB memory sticks would do the job. Just over 1,000 baht each (which gives an exchange rate of approximately 45GB per toilet seat).

I am reminded of “the old days” when memory cost more and took up a whole load more space. Here’s a 16GB memory stick next to a thirty year old Atari 800 16k memory module from the second computer I ever owned (and cannot bring myself to dispose of).

Don't drink and jetty

Thu, 13 Aug 2009 00:00:00 +0000

A jetty is a pleasant place to spend the evening drinking. There is a cool wind off the sea and nobody around to disturb your indulgence. So thought two men at Gotloy Pier in Sriracha. After an extended intake of alcohol, one of them staggered to the edge of the jetty to take a pee, and fell into the water. His friend stumbled to the edge to look for him and also fell in. The bodies were recovered the next day.

Techno-joy and toilet seats

Thu, 13 Aug 2009 00:00:00 +0000

Main mission today was to locate a replacement toilet seat. Not exactly a “captain of industry” sort of job, but I just take the assignments I am given by management. Had previously been to Home Mart, given them the toilet brand and model and was told they would call me back in the morning with a delivery date. They didn’t. Went back again and discovered there were six options for that particular model, so more details were required. Shame they didn’t tell me that the first time.

Instead, this morning I went to Boonthavorn and showed the assistant the photos of the broken item (I have decided not to share them here, please contact me privately if you would like to view them). “Ah, the 1309GR sir, yes we have that in stock”, and they did. Astonishing. As was the price, 2,800 baht; which was exactly twice what I then paid for a routine service for my truck. Then had the truck washed, did a couple of other jobs and that was the day pretty much done. Bet Richard Branson didn’t do as much as me today.

I felt I deserved a bit of a slump in front of the computer after all that activity and my general noodling found me reading about something called “Google Latitude.” From your browser or your phone (if it supports it), you can check the location of your friends and family (assuming they have agreed). It works on top of Google maps and finds the location by using cell tower triangulation, GPS (if your phone has it), or wi-fi points. For my particular lifestyle (practically inert with few friends), it has little point, but damn it is cool.

Just to prove that he lives where he says he does, here is Camberley in Camberley, displayed on my phone.

Slightly lighter than leaf springs

Wed, 12 Aug 2009 00:00:00 +0000

In a previous life I lived in Kuala Lumpur and, for reasons that escape me, I purchased a thirty two year old MG Midget for my daily commute. Under normal circumstances I would not be seen dead anywhere near such a car, but in the context of an Asian environment, it was a weird kind of fun. There was no aircon of course, so you had to keep moving and have the hood down. If you stopped in traffic for more than a few minutes both you and the radiator would boil over. The hood took at least ten minutes to erect, so if you were caught in a downpour you got soaked. I called it “character”.

With a British colonial history, it was surprisingly easy to find spare parts in Malaysia. Dingy garages run by old men sustained entirely by nicotine, contained a treasure troves of bits that could be obtained for not a lot of money. But some bits were more elusive, which is why I found myself at Heathrow airport with a pair of MG suspension leaf springs wrapped in newspaper. Weighing it at around 20 kilos, checking them in together with my suitcase of dirty clothes would mean a substantial excess luggage charge, so it seemed only reasonable that I should take them hand baggage.

Of course this was before the days when the foreign policy of certain countries served as an encouragement for people to fly planes into buildings; even so I was a little unsure as to the reception I would receive. I staggered up to the X-Ray belt, attempting to give the impression that my one metre length of newspaper was so light that it contained a bouquet of flowers. Any pretence was ruined when I dropped them onto the belt and the whole machine crashed and shuddered. “Blimey mate, wot you got in the there?” enquired the handler at the front of the belt. I explained the contents. The handler shouted down to the officer manning the monitor, “it’s OK Bert, just some leaf springs here”, as if substantial car components were regular visitors to his belt. Maybe they were, because they didn’t even bother peeling off the paper to check. Apart from requiring help from two stewardesses to load them into the overhead locker, the rest of the journey went smoothy.

I was reminded of this when I did a trial pack of the equipment I need to take to India next week for my photo assignment. Even keeping lenses to a minimum, I need:

How to obtain a Thai Driving Licence

Tue, 11 Aug 2009 00:00:00 +0000

A colleague from my working days moved here a couple of weeks ago. I have been helping him settle in, mainly by driving him around to various locations and offering sage advice, much of which turned out to be wrong or irrelevant, or both.

This morning it was “get Jerry (for that is his name) a driving licence”. Due to my abhorrence for rising promptly, it was 0930 before we arrived at the licence centre, by which time there was a healthy scrum of people attempting a variety of transactions, all of which were paper intensive.

Jerry, being an organised chap, had done some research and was loaded down with paper. Naturally this was not enough for the lady at the front door who was vetting all arrivals for sufficiency of documentation. It was randomly decided that Jerry had two more forms to complete, but finally we were given a number and ushered inside the inner sanctum.

Can't trust a trustee

Mon, 10 Aug 2009 00:00:00 +0000

Envelope in the mail from the Electoral Reform Services. Could this be the long-awaited call to sit in the House of Lords; Lord Spike and Lady She Who Must Be Obeyed? No, it couldn’t. It’s prompted by my ex-employer, who never does anything in a simple manner if it is possible to complicate it at a higher cost.

In this instance they have engaged the ERS to manage the voting for a trustee of the pension fund. Their job will be to sit in meetings and nod their head while people who pretend to know what they are talking about, and are earning huge fees for doing so, will decide how to invest the pension funds to ensure that I receive cash for gadget purchasing for the rest of my life.

An official day of rest

Sat, 08 Aug 2009 00:00:00 +0000

The palatial offices of Pattaya Days have been closed today to mark the auspicious occasion that is she who must be obeyed’s birthday.

I am sure you will all want to join me in telling her that she is getting quite old now. Oh, and happy birthday!

Comments 🔗

2009-08-08 | Pete says

You tell her that at your own risk, we’re not daft.

Happy birthday Mrs. Spike

2009-08-08 | genuinej says

A message from Barry

Fri, 07 Aug 2009 00:00:00 +0000

I receive the occasional message via the contact screen. This morning I have an urgent communique from “Barry” who writes:

I thought you might like to know that if you use your mouse wheel to move the photo in the Virgin, Foreplay, Hangover Relief post up and down, it looks as if the products in said post are getting bigger or smaller. Far out, man! Cosmic! Or cool, at least.

Hmmm. Barry has clearly been indulging in recreational substances, or so I thought. But then I scrolled such that the offending photo was in the middle of the screen and then rapidly scrolled it up and down with the mouse wheel, and he is right! It’s alive!

Sixty six hours on XP

Fri, 07 Aug 2009 00:00:00 +0000

I must admit to putting a few hours into AD 1404 Dawn of Discovery over the past couple of weeks. Battling corsairs, growing the population and pandering to their ever increasing demands (Candlesticks? Why do you want candlesticks?). I completed the scenario yesterday and was quick to gloat to my son who still has a long way to go to completion. He checked the on-line statistics and pointed out that he had spent seven hours so far, whereas I had apparently thrown away sixty six hours of my life over the past two weeks. Bloody hell, that is almost like having a job.

It’s all her fault of course. She plays Pet Society endlessly and I am just keeping her company. Or is it the other way round…?

Playing games means leaving the cosy world of Mac OS X and entering the clunky world of XP. It’s like going back in time and entering a museum. A museum of the bland, everything is rather drab and sad and I am glad to escape when the gaming is done. An upgrade is called for and it was never going to be Vista, but it might be Windows 7.

Mac upgrades are fairly simple. There is one version of the software, you stick in the disk, you make a cup of coffee and, while you are slurping, it backs up all your data, installs the new OS, restores all your data; then gives you the machine back with everything as it was before, except running the new operating system. Spiffy.

It appears that Windows 7 is not quite as straightforward:

We are the sultans of bling

Fri, 07 Aug 2009 00:00:00 +0000

Head north out of Pattaya and you may spot a large and garishly painted building on your left. It’s Baan Suukhawadee, built by the family that runs the Saha Farms Group. Clearly there is plenty of money available, with large buildings and statues covering 80 rai of prime land.

Two hundred baht to get in, or a hundred baht if you can flash a Thai driving licence. Large halls to wander around, a general feeling of weirdness, doesn’t really feel Thai at all. And a lot of bling. Perhaps no coincidence that the golden buttocks shop is just over the road.

Not enough of a resident - Redux

Thu, 06 Aug 2009 00:00:00 +0000

Having just had my residential qualifications challenged by the visa for India process, it was something of a shock to find myself being treated as a second-class resident yet again. This time the culprit was True, the company that has the contract to sell the iPhone in Thailand.

Having eagerly gone through the booking process to order the phone, I then took the time to read the small print. This is the small print:

Not enough of a resident

Wed, 05 Aug 2009 00:00:00 +0000

I am gratified to discover that I have been invited to attend the second round of the Indian National Rally Championship in Bangalore, and photograph it. This is a good thing for three reasons:

It means an immediate elevation in status from Pattaya hack snapper to international sports photographer, at least in my warped perception.
I have never been to India and I want to go.
Roti Porotta (a.k.a Roti Chanai in Malaysia where I used to consume it as often as possible). I want to try the real thing in India.

A visa for India is therefore required, so off to Bangkok to present myself and my papers at the outsourcing agency which handles such things. My experience of embassy officials from a variety of countries has never been positive, it would be fair to summarise them as arrogant twats, especially the creatures that stalk the halls of the British Embassy. I hopefully assume that the more removed confines of an outsourcing office will lead to a less officious environment; and it is partially true.

Oh dear, my phone is broken

Wed, 05 Aug 2009 00:00:00 +0000

I used to be a Nokia user. Nokia made phones that work. On the more expensive models, the hardware was OK, on the cheaper models it was crap. The software was universally awful.

Then, for my birthday two years ago, she who must be obeyed presented me with an iPhone. Naturally I berated her for spending so much of her money on something that was, after all, just a phone. Then after about ten minutes I discovered that it wasn’t. The phone bit was almost irrelevant; it was a music player, a movie watcher, a games player, a web browser; it was a constant source of information and entertainment and it has never left my side since, except when I have lost it or dropped it, or both. The iPhone is one of the smartest pieces of design it has ever been my pleasure to own.

Virgin, Foreplay, Hangover Relief

Wed, 05 Aug 2009 00:00:00 +0000

A pile of poo

Mon, 03 Aug 2009 00:00:00 +0000

In yesterday’s post I mentioned that she who must be obeyed has a new internet obsession, Pet Society. Initially I was pleased that the poker craze had passed and that she now spent her time fiddling about with building houses and furnishings for a virtual animal. But there is a darker side to Pet Society, and its colour is brown, and it’s poo.

Here’s a picture that she who must be obeyed posted on Facebook this morning:

Toiletry porn

Mon, 03 Aug 2009 00:00:00 +0000

Antony is a well-known figure at the windsurfing club. He drives a smart car, lives in a smart condo, and the official reason for his affluence is that he provides “bathroom accessories” (soap, shampoo etc.) to major hotel chains.

However, Pattaya Days has uncovered damning evidence that Antony spends his leisure time looting the bathrooms of luxury hotels to feed his kleptomaniac tendencies. How else to explain the sackfuls of fragrant offerings he furtively brought round to my condo and asked me to photograph. No doubt he wanted to share photos of his acquisitions with his like-minded friends around the world; toiletry porn.

AD 1404, Dawn of Discovery

Sun, 02 Aug 2009 00:00:00 +0000

If it’s 0300, then it must be….

For a typical visitor to Pattaya, the answer would be “time that I had a bar girl for every orifice.” But for a computer gamer, the answer will be one of those totally absorbing games where minutes turn to hours and before you know it, dawn is breaking.

For me, nearly twenty years ago, if was 0300 then it was Railroad Tycoon. This was an early offering from Sid Meier, who went on to develop Civilization, surely the most time absorbing game of all time.

Blessed with the crude graphics of the day, Railroad Tycoon, not surprisingly, required you to run a Railroad, in competition with a motley collection of computer controlled robber barons. The challenge was to match supply and demand, bringing together resources from around the country. Sounds a bore, but it was wonderfully diverting and hours (days) would pass very easily. You can download it (legally) for free here.

Now, if it’s 0300, then it must be AD 1404, Dawn of Discovery. It’s Railroad Tycoon on crack, using boats instead of trains to manage more than 100, often related, resources to supply an increasingly restless population in both an Occidental and Oriental world. And oh dear me it is addictive.

Yesterday I had a message from the game that I had been playing for four hours and maybe I should take a break for a cup of coffee. Then I had a message that I had been playing for six hours and I really should stop for a while. Trouble is, I had stopped after four hours and the six hour message was after starting a new sessions, so that was at least ten hours of play yesterday; and I don’t want to think about how long I played it last week.

It’s one of those “just need to do one more thing” games; and once you have done the thing, another one comes along. You can choose how you want to play. There is a campaign, there are set scenarios, or you can customise your own scenario; but whatever you decide to do, you can say goodbye to around 30 hours of your life. And that’s just for one scenario.

I decided to do the Master Builder scenario, which emphasises the building of big cities with limited interference from angry computer players. It all starts easily enough with peasants demanding no more than fish and cider. But as time progresses your city grows and welcomes citizens, patricians and finally noblemen, who are like spoiled, demanding children. When they first moved in, they triggered a shortage of books, and before I could ramp up book production ( just need wood, indigo, a paper mill and a printing press) they were rioting in the streets, threatening to burn the city. Books supplied, they demanded wine (simple, just bring together an iron mine, iron smelter, charcoal burner, wood, barrel cooperage, vineyard and wine press and transport the resulting wine half way across the world). Suitably tanked up on alcohol and reading, they now decide they want reading glasses (quartz, copper etc. etc.). Meantime, the lesser ranks start grumbling because the increase in population is leaving them short of what they deem to be essentials, so it is off to increase supplies of bread and fish and and..

It’s challenging, but it is also enormously enjoyable, not least because it looks so good, especially if you can run it on the highest graphic settings. From high above there is not a lot to see:

Safety First, Safety Last, Safety Never

Sat, 01 Aug 2009 00:00:00 +0000

Forza Ferrari!

Thu, 30 Jul 2009 00:00:00 +0000

This was sitting in the Emporium on Tuesday:

Kiss ma sweaty balls ya fat fuck*

Thu, 30 Jul 2009 00:00:00 +0000

*To be recited in a Scottish accent.

There is nothing clever or funny about swearing, as my dear old mum used to say. But then she had never seen “In the Loop”, which features vast quantities of swearing and is both clever and funny.

First there was “The Thick of It”, a British TV series which was a sublime blend of The Office and Yes, Minister; a sort of “Fuck You, Minister”. The subject was an inept government minister played by Chris Langham, who spends his time avoiding the press and pleasing his boss, whilst being constantly hounded and abused by the party communications director played by Peter Capaldi.

Three men and a mango tree

Wed, 29 Jul 2009 00:00:00 +0000

Khun Boramet, Khun Saksooriyar and Khun Virort were good friends and they settled down for their usual night of drinking under a mango tree in Khun Boramet’s compound. Also as usual, they were eventually very drunk and Khun Boramet stretched out to sleep on a bench under the tree.

Khun Virort then explained that, being totally pissed, it would be a really good time for him to learn how to drive. Khun Saksooriyar, also being totally pissed, agreed that it was great plan and, with some difficulty, installed Khun Virort behind the wheel of his truck. There then followed a brief period of driving instruction during which Khun Saksooriyar slurred some general advice on the rules of the road while Khun Virort concentrated on staying awake and not vomiting.

Karma police and potentially deceased relatives.

Tue, 28 Jul 2009 00:00:00 +0000

Off to Bangkok with carpets.

Over the years I have accumulated seven rather nice carpets, the sort that are woven by children in dark cupboards for little more than a daily plate of gruel over a period of several years; and then sold to people like me who don’t think about the implications of their purchase.

At least five years of dust, grime and occasional cat vomit means that the carpets are in need of cleaning, and not the sort of cleaning that is available in Pattaya. So they are loaded onto the truck, wrapped in plastic sheet and trussed together firmly. The resulting shape is somewhat disquieting:

An orange glow end to the day

Mon, 27 Jul 2009 00:00:00 +0000

I used to hate Mondays; now I rather like them. First thing I do is head for the computer and start downloading the previous night’s Top Gear. Then breakfast and coffee, a bit of messing around on-line, and then I sit back and enjoy the show before heading out for lunch.

Today was extra pleasant because I managed a bit of windsurfing in the afternoon before the wind became too strong for the large sail I was using. Came in and changed to a smaller sail which was also too large by the time I got out on the water. Good exercise though.

A fine sunset at the end of the day. Ideally there should have been a three masted schooner on the skyline, carrying exotic herbs from the Orient. But as I already live in the Orient, and she who must be obeyed already has a cupboard full of exotic herbs, instead there was something a little more industrial on the skyline, probably heading for port with exotic chemical waste from Europe.

Pussy box wars

Sun, 26 Jul 2009 00:00:00 +0000

As previously reported, to an admittedly disinterested world, Tiki has now been installed in her Apple iCat.

Until today; when the normally retiring Gabrielle decided it was her turn, leaving Tiki demoted to a distinctly less comfortable (although much warmer if you lie on the cooling vents) Macbook. She was not pleased.

Hell hath no fury like a contractor scorned

Sat, 25 Jul 2009 00:00:00 +0000

As I know from personal experience, the performance of local construction contractors can be “variable”. And so it was with a contractor at the Siam Ocean View Condominium; such that his contract was eventually terminated for poor performance.

Tattoo you

Sat, 25 Jul 2009 00:00:00 +0000

The high proportion of inhabitants of this festering city who are adorned with body art means that we must have an annual tattoo festival. Last year’s was a lavish, outdoor affair which was fun to photograph. This year there is a smaller, more sanitised, affair in the Central Mall.

Interesting to look around, although I was a little concerned when a rather camp tattooist waved a needle in my direction. My immediate response was “you are not sticking that thing in me”, a sentence I expect he had heard many times under different circumstances.

Anyway, a few photos:

Accident prevention scheme

Fri, 24 Jul 2009 00:00:00 +0000

Work it out with a toothbrush

Thu, 23 Jul 2009 00:00:00 +0000

Khun Eknarong had spent a few days in a holding cell in Nong Pla Lai prison and he hadn’t enjoyed it too much. Sixty people to a room, not enough food and drink, and the internet service sucked.

So when the chance came to escape during a transfer at Pattaya Court, he took it and disappeared. Of course he was caught a few days later, but the question on everyone’s lips was, how had he managed to remove the sturdy chains which had been locked round his ankles when he made his dash for freedom?

Search me

Wed, 22 Jul 2009 00:00:00 +0000

When I die, it will be hard for people to find positive things to say about me. “Had a clever son (mother’s genes I expect)”, may be the best they can manage. But here is something else they can say if pushed by the investigating officer (I am expecting a controversial passing):

“When you used ’two manky hookers and a racist dwarf’ as a search term in Google, his blog was the second listed result”.

The sun is eclipsed by the moon

Wed, 22 Jul 2009 00:00:00 +0000

Lyrics from an excellent Pink Floyd song, and also a reality this morning.

At the time of the eclipse, one of my friends was 10,000 feet up a Chinese mountain, camera and assorted filters in hand, hoping to capture the total eclipse. At the same time, I staggered out of bed and made my way to the back bedroom, my planned location for capturing the a shot of the partial eclipse. All that waking up early and walking ten metres was for nothing, the sky was overcast and it was raining again, no eclipse for me. Still, I congratulated myself on making the effort.

Dog day afternoon

Tue, 21 Jul 2009 00:00:00 +0000

Nightmare at Home Works on Elm Street

Tue, 21 Jul 2009 00:00:00 +0000

Actually, it was Home Works on Sukhumvit.

Just popped in for some essential DIY supplies. I won’t bore you with the details (ED: thank god), but it should have been an easy five minute excursion.

Of course I had to run the gauntlet of shop assistants. Home Works is a cavernous place. If you wrapped it up and gave it as a present to a giant, he would shake the package and the rattling would come mainly from the hundreds of shop assistants they employ, with only a small proportion of the rattle coming from the minimal amount of stock they hold, other than battered display models.

All hail Wenthworth's guru

Mon, 20 Jul 2009 00:00:00 +0000

To fully appreciate the impact of this development, you need to read comment #4 here.

It was a revelation. Such a simple step to move from an average piece of utility furniture to something that could be considered a piece of art of singular importance, assuming you had ingested sufficient quantities of drugs. As David Hockney might say, “fookin ’ell”.

Of course we had to follow the master’s instructions. From the mundane:

Apple iCat

Sun, 19 Jul 2009 00:00:00 +0000

The computer desk cat containment system looked a little on the small side.

We have, at some expense, invested in an Apple product which is of course twice the price of normal cardboard boxes and will probably spontaneously combust the day after the warranty expires, but it does have additional cat volume acceptance protocols; and Tiki seems to like it.

Buffalo cart

Sun, 19 Jul 2009 00:00:00 +0000

Pattaya Marathon - Full coverage

Sun, 19 Jul 2009 00:00:00 +0000

You won’t find that here.

After a false start last week, I had good intentions of getting up early again today for the “real thing”. In the event I went to bed too late, forgot to pre-pack my camera gear, and was just drifting off to sleep when SWMBO enquired at what time would I be rising to capture the minimal excitement.

“Bugger it, I can’t be bothered”, was my dedicated photographer response. And indeed it was after 0900 before I crawled out of bed and staggered to the coffee machine.

Please do not leave

Sat, 18 Jul 2009 00:00:00 +0000

Signs in Thailand are often dual language, for which we must be thankful; but the grammar of the English translation is rarely correct.

This sign in Central car park for example:

Welcome to Thailand

Sat, 18 Jul 2009 00:00:00 +0000

It ain’t all the land of smiles.

Yet more LX3 macros

Sat, 18 Jul 2009 00:00:00 +0000

Sorry, but I am so impressed with this little camera; just need to share.

Desk delight

Fri, 17 Jul 2009 00:00:00 +0000

Several miles of cabling, endless plugs and transformers, much gnashing of teeth; the Spike computer desk is finally complete. Note that it also includes the unplanned, but now permanently resident, cat.

LX3 hunts the pollen hunter gatherers

Fri, 17 Jul 2009 00:00:00 +0000

You start with this plant:

Golden buttocks

Thu, 16 Jul 2009 00:00:00 +0000

There is a segment of the population, and I suspect that it is Thai-Chinese, that has a penchant for glitzy, neoclassical, phoney bling; or to summarise: crap. Inside the house, big heavy chairs with ornate and badly finished embellishments and gold paint trimmings. Outside the house; well you need a selection of Roman and Greek statues, and this is the place to buy them:

Mustang GT500 vs Honda

Thu, 16 Jul 2009 00:00:00 +0000

Panasonic LX3 macros with the Raynox 202

Tue, 14 Jul 2009 00:00:00 +0000

The Panasonic LX3 takes amazingly good macros. Flick the macro switch and you can easily capture images of flowers…

YOU CAN START PRACTISING NOW!!!!!

Mon, 13 Jul 2009 00:00:00 +0000

Why men race

Sun, 12 Jul 2009 00:00:00 +0000

It’s understandable if you are Jenson Button; sackfuls of cash, a supply of beautiful girlfriends, and the fastest cars in the world at your disposal.

But what if you are Dean? Hard-working engineer, not only capable of doing up his own shoe laces…

Bag cat

Sun, 12 Jul 2009 00:00:00 +0000

One of the few activities that will lure Tiki the cat from her box in the computer room is the arrival of some shopping, preferably a comprehensive selection from Carrefour involving many plastic bags. She will disappear and we will eventually find her ensconced in one of the emptied bags, where she is happy to stay for a couple of hours until something more interesting turns up.

Living in a cardboard box

Sun, 12 Jul 2009 00:00:00 +0000

The computer set-up is finally taking shape, and I am pleased with the overall layout. The desktop is clear of any clutter. Just the computer, monitor, speakers, mouse, router and… a cardboard box.

Admittedly the latter was not in the plan. It’s an old box that one of the cats liked to sleep in so she could be close to us in case we did anything she could interfere with while at the computers. With the new design of desk, I threw the box away. The cat fought back by lying across the ventilation holes in the router until it got really hot and smoke started to rise (not sure if it was smoking fur or smoking electronics). So I had to retrieve the box from the rubbish and put it back on the desk. An uneasy peace has been restored.

The loneliness of the long-distance runner photographer

Sun, 12 Jul 2009 00:00:00 +0000

After two weeks of decorating, I was looking forward to a long lie-in this Sunday morning. But it was not to be. Instead I was out of bed at 0630, off to photograph the Pattaya marathon for my loyal reader(s).

Down the hill to my chosen snapping point and…there were no runners. Strange. I could clearly see the advertising banners in my head: “Pattaya Marathon, Sunday 19th July”.

Oh.

Bugger.

Typical tourist

Sun, 12 Jul 2009 00:00:00 +0000

Quite clearly Italian

Fri, 10 Jul 2009 00:00:00 +0000

Phone call from she who must be obeyed this morning. She is on the way to work and wants to know if I am interested in photographing a homeless man. Naturally, I need to know more; she is happy to oblige.

“He is at the junction of Theppasit and Theppraya every morning. He has his belongings in plastic bags. Lots of plastic bags. Like if we have had a big shop at Carrefour. And each is tied tight at the top. He has a plastic water bottle which he pretends to play like a musical instrument in the middle of the road. Then he jumps around and dances a lot”.

An interesting three years

Wed, 08 Jul 2009 00:00:00 +0000

Yesterday was our wedding anniversary.

Flushed with my success at actually remembering, I gave she who must be obeyed a big hug and said “thank you for three interesting years”, which I thought was pithy, if not overly romantic. She responded with “thank you for three interesting, wonderful, loving, caring, happy years”, which simultaneously made me feel good, and a bit of a shit for not being similarly effusive.

Still, I recovered the situation by mumbling “yeah, and that too”, which I am sure did the trick.

The pleasure of painting

Sun, 05 Jul 2009 00:00:00 +0000

A degree of incredulity regarding my proposal in the previous post to pick up a brush and paint. A couple of reasons, the first being the alternative.

It is true that for not a lot of money you can employ workers to slap some paint over any surface in brush range. But the hassle factor is very high. You can’t just go away and do something else while they are “working”, you need to be around to ensure they are not painting the wrong room with the wrong colour, or stealing anything that is not nailed down (and if they happen to have a claw hammer in their feeble collection of damaged tools, being nailed down is no obstacle to theft).

The entire extended family will arrive to “help”. Last week I had a toddler beating out a tune on my polished furniture with a metal set-square, at which point I was meant to smile and tolerate the local culture, rather than drop-kicking the little shit over the balcony.

There will be hassles, there will be errors, and the end result will never be something you can admire as a fine example of artisanship by craftsman whose skills have been honed over generations. What you get is something produced by an occasionally sober farmer with a squint and a hammer.

The second reason is not so obvious and only dawned on me yesterday as I found a certain peace; perched on a ladder, spotted with paint. I haven’t done this for years and I rather enjoy it.

The last house I owned was in Aberdeen. It was next to the sea which was very pleasant, but therefore required external painting with marine paint every year, which was not so pleasant. But I rather enjoyed the process and there was satisfaction in standing back and finding a small part of one window which I had not smeared with paint, from which the family could watch a gathering storm.

Then I left Aberdeen and for the next twenty years or so I moved to various places around the world where I lived in accommodation either owned by the company or rented by the company for me to live in. Which meant that any form of home improvement was not an option. There is an upside to this of course. Living in one place for 3-4 years is just enough time, provided you live carelessly and have a lot of parties, some of which include indoor fireworks which are meant to be outdoor fireworks, to reduce your home to uninhabitable rubble. Then you move on and start all over again in another unsuspecting property.

My last posting was in Bangkok where I initially lived in a 300+ square metre monster apartment with appalling furnishing. I fought back by installing a Persian cat which systematically destroyed the mosquito screen doors by launching itself at them and then hanging there like a Garfield toy on a car window until they collapsed. I also installed a girlfriend whose contribution was to spill a full bottle of nail varnish remover across the top of a rather nice (up to that point) 3 metre polished wood dining table.

After the Persian cat experimented with jumping off the 21st storey balcony to see if if could fly (it couldn’t), and the girlfriend experimented with giving me hell for months to see if our relationship could continue to fly (it couldn’t), I moved to a very smart, brand new pad in All Seasons Place for a couple of years.

During this time I bought my current condo. It was new and bare. No flooring, no aircon, no nothing. With an extremely competent Pattaya-based manager from Finland, I wrote cheques while a motley collection of labourers fixed, broke and then fixed again until I had the semblance of somewhere I could move into once I finished work in Bangkok.

That was about seven years ago, which is why we are now getting into the cycle of needing to refurbish, and why I feel the need to wield a brush again after twenty five years free from trying to get the paint out of my hair.

And so yesterday I painted. For about five hours straight. Then I read the tin and it said I could apply a second coat after allowing four hours drying time. So I had some noodles and then launched into a second coat for another four hours. Then I had a large meal, two beers, and a very good night’s sleep.

Still some finishing off work to do this morning, but it all looks very smart; the colour is a richer green than portrayed by the camera, a good selection by she who must be obeyed.

Niiiiice

Wed, 01 Jul 2009 00:00:00 +0000

I don’t wish to overload these pages with bike photos, but I do like this one. It’s Khun Beer, one of the fastest riders in Thailand.

Canon 1D with 300mm F2.8 at 1/200th second. Love this lens. If you are foolish enough to click on the image below, you will be treated to something much larger.

Boonthavorn bugger things up

Tue, 30 Jun 2009 00:00:00 +0000

Perhaps Robbie Burns came to Thailand. With a slight amendment, his poetry rings so true here:

The best-laid plans of mice and men go ~~oft~~ always awry.

Never mind the mice, whatever you try and undertake always gets screwed up at some point.

Take my condo reflooring project, currently on day two of an estimated four (probably five, maybe six). Having rejected the rather cheap offerings of an obvious alcoholic, we decided to go with Boonthavorn, probably the largest tile supplier in the country, with a monster outlet in Pattaya. They come and measure the rooms, we choose the tiles, they give us a price that is more than the alcoholic, but not too steep, and we say yes. Tiles are all paid for and on Monday at 0830 the Boonthavorn project manager arrives on site, complete with crisp shirt and clipboard. Confidence is inspired and the workers duly arrive and rip out the floors.

No sign of the manager this morning, but here come the workers and here come the tiles; similar but slightly different tiles for each of the rooms. They start work and before too long there are tiles on the floor in both rooms. This is all going rather well. Then the phone rings.

It is she who must be obeyed in a state of some panic. The salesgirl from Boonthavorn (not the manager), has noticed that only the tiles for the bedroom had been delivered to our condo. Which means that the tiles they were happily laying in the computer room onto quick-drying cement were the wrong tiles. Pass the phone to the chief worker who gives that “oh god I have fucked up but I am going to smile anyway” grin, and then rushes to lift up the tiles in the computer room and transfer them to the bedroom before they have to be chiseled off the floor.

So now the computer room looks like this:

Pony up

Sun, 28 Jun 2009 00:00:00 +0000

Another early start as I am called to the polo club with the promise of coffee and brownies. The subject is a pony with an attitude, and my role is to snap it as it jumps around like a mad thing.

Job done and back home by 0830 to take she who must be obeyed out for her daily caffeine fix.

Update my spermware

Sun, 28 Jun 2009 00:00:00 +0000

She who must be obeyed is close to fluent in English, but on occasion it all goes wrong.

When I updated my iPhone to 3.0 firmware, she decided she didn’t want me hacking her phone yet. This evening we were sitting in a restaurant having dinner and I was showing her the new search function.

“That’s very good”, she announced to the cafe full of diners, “when we get home I want you to update my spermware”.

Morning prayers

Sat, 27 Jun 2009 00:00:00 +0000

Wotta lotta monks

Sat, 27 Jun 2009 00:00:00 +0000

She who must be obeyed knows exactly how to handle me. Mindful of my hatred of early mornings, we have the following phone conversation:

She: Would you like to photograph some monks?

Me: But of course, light of my life.

She: I will register you as a photographer at this special event then.

Me: Thank you, oh reason for my being.

She: So you are OK to do this?

Me: Definitely, my sweetness.

She: Good, we have to get up at 0600.

At which point she puts down the phone before I can change my mind.

Turns out it is to be a repeat performance of the 2,000 monks in Pattaya, only this was in Sattahip, and only 1,000 monks were planned.

The arrival of the monks was keenly anticipated…

Anyone seen an inflatable dolphin?

Fri, 26 Jun 2009 00:00:00 +0000

Khun Tawatshai was getting pretty fed up with people stealing stuff from outside his shop. Perhaps the simplest solution would have been to put everything back inside his shop when he closed up at night; but that was too much work for Khun Tawatshai.

Instead, he bought a security camera. Then he parked his car right outside his shop, to make sure that both would be covered by the camera during the night.

Plants, Zombies and Michael Jackson

Fri, 26 Jun 2009 00:00:00 +0000

It’s all been too much for the entertainment industry. After a day of hunting down a journalist so they could be quoted on how much they admired Farrah Fawcett (she was blonde, she had breasts), fresh outpourings of grief were required following the sudden death of the king of pop (bit of a dancer, bit of a peado, could hold a tune).

Madonna reported, via her agent and PR machine, that she couldn’t stop crying (how many of us felt the same way when we heard her last album?). I would like to report that I marked the passing of the great man by playing Plants Vs. Zombies.

You live in a house. You have a wide lawn. There are zombies who want to cross your lawn and eat your brains. You have to gather sunshine and set down plants that will attack, hinder, explode and generally thwart the zombies in their quest for your brain. This is the simple premise for Plants Vs. Zombies, but PopCap Games have taken the premise and turned it into one of the most entertaining games I have played for a long time.

It starts simply enough. There are plants that fire goo that will eventually remove a zombie’s head. There are rocks to block the zombies; and the zombies are simple shuffling creatures, sometimes with a bucket perched jauntily on their head for extra protection. But as the game progresses, the plants get weirder, there is night, there is fog, there are swimming pools, and the waves of zombies getting progressively stranger and funnier.

There are zombies with bobsleighs, pole vaulting zombies, zombies with ice-making machines; and best of all, there is a Michael Jackson zombie.

LX3 Macros. Seven hundred and forty eight of them.

Thu, 25 Jun 2009 00:00:00 +0000

At pleasant start to the morning when I join my wife for coffee and a pork soupy breakfasty thing on Theppasit Road. She seems in no rush to get to the office, and I am in no rush to go anywhere; which is of course how life should be.

After breakfast I head on out to Nong Nuch to try out the LX3 in their orchid area. I have now spent a few minutes perusing what passes for a manual and have discovered a few new tricks. As a result I have the camera set to take a standard colour photo, a slightly modified standard colour photo, and a black and white photo; each time I press the shutter. Obviously this leads to a proliferation of shots, and after ninety minutes shooting I have 748 photos on the card. Before some smart ass points out that 748 is not divisible by three, I also took a few “pinhole camera effect” shots, like this one.

In praise of the LX3

Wed, 24 Jun 2009 00:00:00 +0000

If you have no interest in cameras, please move along, nothing for you here.

The Canon 1D is by far the best camera I have ever owned. With the right lens attached, there is nothing it can’t tackle. It’s massively capable. It’s also massive. The body is more than a kilo, with a 300mm lens attached you have nearly 4 kilos to lift and point; and if you fancy a day out with a few lenses, you can have a backpack weighing close to 10 kilos for company. If you are going out to take photos, you just suck it up and manage the weight and the bulk. But what if you are just going out…?

If you enjoy photography, you really want to be able to take photos any time, not just when you happen to be carrying all your camera gear. What you need is something smaller, a carry-anywhere camera for all those moments when you would otherwise say “I wish I had my camera with me”.

The camera shops are awash what are popularly known as point and shoot cameras. There are two problems with most of these cameras. The first is that the concept of point and shoot does not extend to “set up the camera for how I want to take the photo, and shoot”. There are limited settings for those who want some control over how the shot is taken, you just select “sunny day” mode and press the shutter. The second problem is more fundamental; the photos they take are shit. And the culprit is megapixels.

Go into a camera shop and the description of each camera will highlight the number of megapixels, with the clear marketing message that more is better. It’s bollocks. The ever increasing megapixels are being crammed onto tiny sensors, meaning that each pixel is getting smaller, meaning that their ability to capture light and detail are reduced, which means that the resulting photos are horrible.

Why can’t someone produce a camera with a good lens, a sensor that is not overly stuffed with pixels, and a range of controls to satisfy the casual shooter and the enthusiast? There is a market waiting for this camera.

The Sigma DP1 is almost such a camera. It’s got a large sensor which produces stunning photos from a beautiful fixed length lens. The whole effort is spoiled by appallingly slow focus, impossibly delayed shoot times and a control set which is very limited. When you do get a shot, it is lovely; but you miss many and the frustration levels are high.

Then last year Panasonic introduced the Lumix LX3. A Leica lens with limited zoom; enough to be useful, not enough to spoil the quality. Sensor slightly increased in size and pixel count slightly reduced. Image stabilisation and a lens that opened to F2, meaning you could shoot in low light without bumping the ISO too high and creating noise. And a fully featured control set with some cool options. Easy to carry and quick to operate. Was this the camera that people had been waiting for?

Apparently so. One year from release and demand consistently exceeds supply. DSLR owners are finding that they are leaving the DSLR at home and taking the LX3 instead. Forums overflow with love for the camera (rather than the usual complaining), and great photographers are producing some great photographs.

Of course, I had to have one. And it is great. I always enjoy photography, but the LX3 really makes it fun. Not only does it take excellent “ordinary” photos, but the macro mode is just crazy. You can get the lens really close to the object and it will still focus.

Why so far away?

It's getting out of hand

Wed, 24 Jun 2009 00:00:00 +0000

I have used the pages of this publication on more than one occasion to mock the handbag buying tendencies of my beloved wife. There was a time when not a week would pass without the courier company delivering yet another bag shaped dead cow, to be followed soon after by a posting on eBay and the departure of the bag to another owner.

This cycle of bag acquisition and disposal (admittedly at times, at a profit), ceased several months ago. When I queried she who must be obeyed, she stated she now had a handbag collection she was happy with and would require no more. Astonishing.

But now we have another problem in the Spike household, but this time the problem is cameras and the instigator is me. Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I give you exhibit A, the current Spike camera collection:

Journalism on the front line

Tue, 23 Jun 2009 00:00:00 +0000

There is a proud history of journalists and photographers who operate in the danger zones of the world, to bring us a different perception of the reality as seen from the ground, as opposed to the Fox News version written thousands of miles away from the safety of a well-stocked bar. People like Robert Fisk, Robert Kapa and James Nachwey. A different breed of men.

But the front lines of Iraq and Afghanistan pale into insignificance compared to the battleground that is Pattaya Beach Road. The cheap bag salemen, the stalls full of crap, the endless hookers; it’s hell out there.

So it was most inspiring to see a representative of Pattaya People Television braving the conditions with nothing more to protect him than red and white spotted shirt and a ridiculous hat. Still, I suppose it was the only way to remain inconspicuous.

The Coffee Club

Tue, 23 Jun 2009 00:00:00 +0000

The Waterfront - It's all go!

Tue, 23 Jun 2009 00:00:00 +0000

Almost a year since I reported on the exciting development known as The Waterfront.

Since then, nothing has happened. The promised removal of the smelly boats hasn’t happened. The construction of the adjacent marina hasn’t happened. Most importantly for those who put down deposits on The Waterfront, there has been no construction.

But wait!! I passed there today and a new and exciting sign was hanging outside the entrance.

Tears of a clown

Mon, 22 Jun 2009 00:00:00 +0000

It’s balloon festival time at Central Mall.

Ways to be peaceful

Mon, 22 Jun 2009 00:00:00 +0000

On the way home from lunch I stopped off at the little temple complex at the top of the hill. Totally deserted, it was a very pleasant place to wander around for half an hour. Of course I had to take some photos.

How slow can you go?

Sun, 21 Jun 2009 00:00:00 +0000

Track day at Bira today, which means that there were around 40 bikes out on track to photograph. I enjoy these days because I am under no pressure to provide photographs, which means I can play around and not worry about how many usable shots I get.

It’s very easy to photograph a moving object if you set the shutter speed high enough. This is at 1/1600 of a second:

Not an easy life

Sun, 21 Jun 2009 00:00:00 +0000

As an expatriate living in a big city, it is easy to forget just what a tough life the majority of Thais lead.

Like these farmers preparing this paddy field outside Pattaya today.

All hail the iPhone Dev-Team

Sat, 20 Jun 2009 00:00:00 +0000

No, not the very clever people in Apple who designed the phone, but the just as clever in different ways people who worked out how to hack the phone so it could be used anywhere, and add a variety of extra goodies not courtesy of the Apps Store.

As an long time iPhone owner in Thailand, I have had to rely on them to make my first generation iPhone usable here. And they have done so, through a variety of firmware updates; the latest being 3.0, released by Apple yesterday and already hacked by the Dev-Team and already used by me to get up to date. Thank you

Flawed attractions - Million Years Stone Park

Sat, 20 Jun 2009 00:00:00 +0000

Or to give the full title: Million Years Stone Park and Crocodile Farm.

Let’s get the million years stone park bit out of the way first. In the entrance there are a couple of fossilised trees; these are the “millions years stones”. That’s it for the first segment of the title. But to be fair, there are plenty of other stones in the park, none of any particular age, and some in ridiculous shapes,…

Leading by example

Thu, 18 Jun 2009 00:00:00 +0000

In between not solving the ever-increasing number of murder cases, eating platefuls of somtam, and sneaking out for a cigarette behind the police station, the boys in brown are fully occupied in making Pattaya a safer place by hiding on street corners and leaping out to spot-fine anyone not wearing a safety helmet.

I would not want to criticise the police for enforcing a law that most certainly could save lives, but there are two problems. The first is that the motorcycle helmets available here sell for a couple of hundred baht and when it comes to a helmet meets road situation, the helmet comes a poor second, as does the head inside it. The second problem is that the police do not enforce this law through any sense of public duty, rather it is a very easy way of making cash. Just stand anywhere (preferably somewhere close to a somtam shop) and stop passing motorbikes. No effort required.

Still, it is always good to see a policeman leading by example, and here PC Somchai demonstrates how he would like the public to ride (in order to maximise the income of the boys in brown).

The obligatory bike

Thu, 18 Jun 2009 00:00:00 +0000

An unexpectedly high volume* of correspondence yesterday, complaining that I had published photographs of a young lady in not a lot of clothing, but neglected to include the usual snap of a racing motorbike doing something in a corner. I can only apologise, and hope this makes amends.

Bikes pending, please make do with babe

Wed, 17 Jun 2009 00:00:00 +0000

Another Highside day and I have a couple of excellent bike shots to post. Sadly, I have yet to finish processing them, so you will have to make do with a few shots of Khun Narin. Sorry about that.

Flawed Attractions - The Circus

Tue, 16 Jun 2009 00:00:00 +0000

Number five in an occasional series, highlighting places it is probably not worth going out of your way to visit.

To be fair, I have to admit that I have never visited this particular circus, which is several months into a rumoured one year residence near to Pattaya Park. However, given that half of the tent roof was removed in a storm a couple of weeks ago, and nobody has done anything to fix it, I think it is fair to assume that the ever-popular midget with a red nose riding a horse act is not being performed nightly.

Anyone for tennis?

Mon, 15 Jun 2009 00:00:00 +0000

Tennis tournament at the Siam Bayshore Hotel this week.

The only way to take photographs is through a link fence, which means the fence is covering part of the lens; which means that the shots look a bit muddy.

But knowing you lot, you would welcome some shots of young ladies being sporty, irrespective of image quality.

Bite my shoe

Mon, 15 Jun 2009 00:00:00 +0000

If I had to describe myself, one term that I would never use is “fashion conscious”. I spent my working life having to look semi-presentable, wearing shirts and ties and, on occasion, a suit. Now I can spend my life in a T-shirt and a pair of shorts, and even dispense with the latter when lounging around the house. Given that, who cares what they look like? She does.

My lack of interest in things sartorial is a constant thorn in the side of she who must be obeyed. Apparently I manage to screw up even something as simple as matching colours between a T-shirt and shorts. If she remembers, she lays out something appropriate for me to wear. If she doesn’t remember, then I am often greeted with “you are not going out dressed like that!” And I don’t.

Good evening

Sun, 14 Jun 2009 00:00:00 +0000

Good evening 2

Sun, 14 Jun 2009 00:00:00 +0000

An expensive car park

Sat, 13 Jun 2009 00:00:00 +0000

When in Singapore I enjoy staying at the Intercontinental, if the exchange rate permits. They have a very smart courtyard in which you can usually find a couple of very expensive cars parked.

I asked the concierge, “what would you do if I arrived in the courtyard with my Honda Civic?”

He replied, “Of course I would park it here for you sir”. Then he paused. “And when you had gone to your room I would have it moved to the underground car park”.

Good answer I thought.

On the couple of occasions I have gone to the Sheraton in Pattaya, I have been swiftly despatched to a hole under the hotel to park my car. No such ignominy for the drivers of Ferraris who turned up today.

Piggy flu prevention on Walking Street

Sat, 13 Jun 2009 00:00:00 +0000

We're all going to die. Eventually.

Fri, 12 Jun 2009 00:00:00 +0000

Once again, Pattaya leads the world; this time it’s piggy flu.

While the rest of the planet fiddles about with a few victims, Pattaya gets stuck right in by infecting 21 staff at the Star Dice Disco. Customers at the disco have no doubt wheezed and sweated their way into other, similar establishments; and soon the whole city will be an infected mess.

Given this situation, the WHO had no choice but to declare a worldwide pandemic. “What happens today in Pattaya, happens tomorrow in the rest of the world” declared Ignatio Raulo, spokesperson for the WHO and significant investor in certain pharmaceutical companies.

Tinkering with Topaz

Thu, 11 Jun 2009 00:00:00 +0000

I consider myself an average photographer, and a distinctly less than average photo-processor. There are those who get positively damp in their personal places at the very mention of “the digital darkroom” (and what a wanky expression that is). I just turn away.

It’s not that I don’t understand what can be achieved with Photoshop and similar software, it’s just that I never use it long enough for the techniques to stick in my admittedly feeble brain. I did work through a 5 DVD Photoshop training course (acquired locally for slightly less than the full retail price). As I worked through each lesson I was most excited by the possibilities offered by the topic under discussion. When I moved to the next lesson I started to forget what I had just learned. By the time I had worked through the whole 25 hours of training, everything was a blur and I had no idea what to do next. My fuzzy knowledge is not reinforced by the frequent updates to Photoshop (acquired locally for slightly less than the full retail price).

So I have mainly abandoned Photoshop and do any processing that is required in Lightroom. Even here, I tend to stick to the basics. My eyes and my imagination are not really up to playing with images; what comes out of the camera will have to do.

But today I had a play with Topaz Adjust. It’s a plug-in for Photoshop and it’s fun. There are endless scary sliders and a comprehensive user guide; but you can forget all of that and just click on some predefined settings.

This is a photo of a somewhat phallic rock in Phu Lan Ka national park. Interesting shape, but the shot is a little insipid. No doubt some time in Photoshop by someone who can actually remember 25 hours of training would do the trick, but one click on " crisp", or a click on “spicify” produces some interesting, if not particularly life-like results.

Almost an ex-Nino

Mon, 08 Jun 2009 00:00:00 +0000

Faces of Theppasit Market

Mon, 08 Jun 2009 00:00:00 +0000

Every weekend, an area at the top end of Theppasit Road is turned into a market. It is interesting to walk around once or twice, which is several hundred times less than the number of times she who must be obeyed is happy to walk around it.

Fortunately, she usually seeks out one of her friends and they disappear for a couple of hours, coming home with a selection of snacks which I am happy to consume. Last night they went, promising it would just be a brief trip to source food, so I tagged along with my camera.

Being a night market, and poorly lit, this meant slow shutter speeds, a wide open lens and an ISO which was usually 3200; not a chance of decent colour shots, but converted to black and white they don’t look too bad.

Life's a hundred million baht beach

Mon, 08 Jun 2009 00:00:00 +0000

Having previously highlighted the cartographical inaccuracies of The Beach development, I would have hoped that none of you would have been tempted to rush down to the site and slap down some cash.

If you did, you may want to check your receipt. George Morgan, the vice-president of the project, has been arrested for stealing one hundred million baht in deposits.

It’s not really a surprise that he stole the money, what is a surprise is that so many ~~mugs~~ investors parted with so much cash for such a speculative project.

What a geek

Mon, 08 Jun 2009 00:00:00 +0000

It’s 0200. She who must be obeyed has long since gone to bed. What is keeping me up?

Following the coverage of the Apple WWDC keynote speech to see what new goodies are on offer.

New iPhone 3Gs, that’ll do nicely. Thank you and goodnight.

Comments 🔗

2009-06-09 | Craig says

No Wacom hybrid Macbook still !! good cant afford it anyway…

2009-06-10 | Billy says

URL please

2009-06-11 | Spike says

Save the dolphins, kill the trees

Sun, 07 Jun 2009 00:00:00 +0000

Walk around Pattaya and you will find posters encouraging you not to throw junk into the sea.

Selling Somtam

Sun, 07 Jun 2009 00:00:00 +0000

Not a recommended career choice.

First you need a bunch of fresh ingredients. Then you need to spend at least five minutes grinding and mixing and flavouring, allowing time for your customer to sample the mixture to confirm it is to their taste. Then you need to bag it, and wrap an elastic band around it. Finally you will hand it to your customer and get a handful of baht in return.

Good food

Fri, 05 Jun 2009 00:00:00 +0000

On occasions, I enjoy a pint of Guinness and some typical pub food. In spite of the extensive and unpleasant farting that inevitably follows such an outing, she who must be obeyed is always on the lookout for new Guinness serving locations; and last night she took me to one on Pratumnak Road.

Less shit in black and white

Fri, 05 Jun 2009 00:00:00 +0000

I am very pleased with the quality of the videos produced by my Panasonic TS1. But as a still camera, it sucks. It’s a typical point and shoot, with 12 megapixels crammed onto a tiny sensor, thus producing images with little detail and a load of noise. And forget trying to make it track a moving target. So it was really sensible of me to wade into the Gulf of Thailand this afternoon and try and take some still shots of surfing.

First of all, it was rough. Last night we had one of the wildest storms I can remember, with winds gusting to 50 knots. Today it was more than 20 knots even on the beach and nobody had a small enough sail to go windsurfing. The result of all this was big waves, with huge amounts of water heading for the beach and me and my little camera failing to stay upright on a regular basis.

But at least it meant there were some decent waves for SUP surfing and I captured a few videos before trying to snap some still photos. One did a reasonable job at capturing the rather gnarly conditions, but it was not properly in focus and the colours looked horrible. So I converted it to grayscale and suddenly it looked OK. If only life were like that.

View Talay Residence 5 - The saga continues

Fri, 05 Jun 2009 00:00:00 +0000

Having failed to meet the completion date of February 2009, work has continued slowly at VTR5 and it looks like they nearly have a swimming pool, but there is still no sign of any work taking place on the actual units.

But don’t worry, the developer now has a big sign which categorically states that completion will be in 2009.

Every cloud has a silver thingie

Thu, 04 Jun 2009 00:00:00 +0000

Look around Pattaya and you will see that the property boom has stalled. Incomplete developments with minimal or zero workers on site, huge volumes of condos and houses for sale with no buyers, and no sign of any improvement in the near future.

This doesn’t stop companies such as Raimon Land producing puff pieces for the local press. A recent article is titled “Thailand property remains an attractive investment proposition”, although the article itself admits likely falls of 25-30% in the value of Bangkok properties. Where do I sign up?

Shopping shapes

Thu, 04 Jun 2009 00:00:00 +0000

A wet and windy Thursday, with the sky threatening, and often delivering, large volumes of rain.

In the absence of wind, ride a wave

Wed, 03 Jun 2009 00:00:00 +0000

Yesterday was wild, windy and wonderful and today promised more of the same until rain stopped play.

After the rain there was not much wind for windsurfing, but still some shore break for Craig to go and ride. It’s ridiculous how much fun you can have on small waves with a SUP.

Super Saturday and Sunday Samet SUP Sailing Sex*

Mon, 01 Jun 2009 00:00:00 +0000

Off to Samet isalnd for a weekend of SUP sailing.

Our plan was to hire a large boat and have it drop us at pretty places and then follow us down the coast. Unfortunately the boat owner had a different plan; to drop us at our resort and (possibly) return to collect us the following day.

And so, after some logistical juggling involving luggage being dropped at a pier and boards and riders being thrown over the side of the boat, we found ourselves with a pile of gear and a wide, white beach from which to play.

Leave of absence

Fri, 29 May 2009 00:00:00 +0000

Off for a weekend of SUPing and windsurfing around Koh Samet island. We have rented a large fishing boat to take us to suitable spots. If it doesn’t rain constantly, it will be fun. If it does rain constantly, we will drink beer and complain.

See you Monday, please amuse yourselves in the meantime. Thank you.

Extra babe, and bikes

Thu, 28 May 2009 00:00:00 +0000

Another Highside day and the fragrant Khun Narin is joined by the equally fragrant Khun Cha Cha; although given that she spent most of the day firmly attached to various parts of the CEO’s anatomy, we can assume she is not available for “Ugandan discussions.”

A lack of stunts due to no Jimmy, who is absent without leave fulfilling some personal ambitions of an anatomical nature in California (i.e. getting laid. A lot).

Pot peddling granny

Thu, 28 May 2009 00:00:00 +0000

There are some people who think that the local police do very little apart from lining their pockets with fines imposed on morons who refuse to wear crash helmets when riding a bike. Not so. The boys in brown are putting their lives on the line on a daily basis, fighting major crime across the city.

For proof, look no further than the successful conclusion to a massive sting operation that has been underway for several months against a vicious drug syndicate. The operation came to a head this week when police raided the headquarters of the syndicate and, in a hail of absolutely no gunfire, surrounded the mastermind of the operation.

Hooray for J-Net

Wed, 27 May 2009 00:00:00 +0000

I have previously waxed lyrical about J-Net as being a more acceptable internet provider than wanky Maxnet. And the J-Net experience has continued to be excellent,, until I came home to a red light on my router today, and a message that my authentication had failed, whatever the hell that means.

I had had this before with Maxnet and had gone through the usual we will call you back but we won’t really cycle; until the red light had finally cleared itself overnight. I shuddered at the thought of going through this nonsense again with J-Net.

Six Mitsubishi trucks, or.....

Wed, 27 May 2009 00:00:00 +0000

…one of these:

Ant

Tue, 26 May 2009 00:00:00 +0000

Blame it on the cat vomit

Tue, 26 May 2009 00:00:00 +0000

On a good day, I enjoy waking early and watching she who must be obeyed sleeping. She is at her best when not conscious. Sadly, this morning I was woken extra early by the unmistakable sound and smell of one of the cats vomiting on the bedsheets. Oh joy. I feigned sleep until she who must be obeyed had cleared it up, then decided to rise and head out to Nong Nuch Tropical Garden to take a few photos.

Men are from Mars, Orchids are from Venus

Tue, 26 May 2009 00:00:00 +0000

Crazy coloured show-offs, orchids are the self-assured fashion leaders in any garden.

Pollen hunting

Tue, 26 May 2009 00:00:00 +0000

Click to enlarge and in some of the shots you can see the pollen stuck to the legs. Lovely bokeh from the 135mm F2 lens.

Shine a light

Tue, 26 May 2009 00:00:00 +0000

Much consternation in the Spike household, one of the rear lights has ceased to function on my truck. She who must be obeyed is convinced this is so dangerous that I should not be driving, even during daylight hours. To appease her, I head for the Mitsubishi dealer.

“Mai mee fai”, I explain in my best Thai, pointing to the offending light which is refusing to glow. Three men with one screwdriver are mobilised. The screwdriver is almost, but not quite, the right size for the two retaining screws, and then there is much muttering and banging as the light unit refuses to slide out. One character wields the screwdriver, planning to insert it against my shiny bodywork, to help with the extraction; only a frantic waving of arms by me stops him. Finally they remove the unit and replace the bulb.

Thai sexual fantasy on Diego Garcia by Filipino nymphs living in Singapore

Tue, 26 May 2009 00:00:00 +0000

Thank you Moonman.

Comments 🔗

2009-05-28 | Moonman says

Hmmm, no luck yet I see…

Oh well, I’ll email a buddy who works there and have him log in.

He might even appreciate the blog. ;-)

2009-05-28 | Spike says

Thanks Moonman. Your next mission, should you choose to accept it, is Haiti.

2009-05-28 | Moonman says

I worked in Jamaica for 1 month and couldn’t wait to get out of that hell-hole.

Tiger, tiger, burning dull

Tue, 26 May 2009 00:00:00 +0000

I have had the privilege of seeing a tiger in the wild. I was in Nepal, on top of an elephant, and we had spent a couple of hours tracking a tiger from a rather bloody recent kill to a clearing where it sat in the open perusing us.

I have a photo somewhere but I don’t need it, the moment is burned in my memory. The elephants were shifting around nervously in a manner that said they would like to move somewhere else as soon as possible. The tiger just gave a look which said “If you idiots would care to come down off those elephants, I’ll be fucking having you Jimmy”, (for some inexplicable reason this tiger seemed to come from Glasgow).

It was serene and menacing, and nothing like the poor tiger I encountered at Nong Nuch this morning. Dragged out of a tiny cage, this sad creature was available for tourists to pose for photos (for a price). The keeper kept having to lift its head, clearly it had been heavily drugged to ensure it did not ravage all around it, which it would have been perfectly entitled in doing.

Sad.

You talkin' to me?

Tue, 26 May 2009 00:00:00 +0000

The chips are down

Sun, 24 May 2009 00:00:00 +0000

She who must be obeyed’s obsession with Facebook poker continues. Her co-workers are similarly obsessed with the game, and so it is no surprise that she announces we are to host an evening of poker at our condo featuring four ladies and me.

Being Thailand, the evening starts with food. I have learned by experience that the best thing to do on these occasions is not to worry where people are going to sit or what they are going to eat. If there are four Thai women involved, it will be sorted. And so it was; yummy food and we sat on the patio floor. The food came from apparently nowhere and was cleared away such that there was no evidence of its existence.

A fool and her money are soon parted

Sat, 23 May 2009 00:00:00 +0000

I have an obviously false assumption that anyone who accumulates some cash must have a reasonable degree of common sense. Take Khun Nid for example. The owner of a dive shop and able to lay her hands on half a million baht.

Khun Nid meets an African gentleman in Kon Kaen. He tells her he is from Cameroon and has left his country to escape the war (early hint that maybe something is wrong, there is no war in Cameroon). He has a bag full of banknote sized black paper which he assures Khun Nid can be turned into US currency. Only problem is that the chemicals required to do the job have to be obtained from a source at the US Embassy (which, as we all know, has a little shop selling counterfeiting supplies in the main compound). And he needs to borrow half a million baht from Khun Nid to buy these chemicals. Once the chemicals have been purchased, he will treat the paper which will turn into money, and Khun Nid will get a million baht’s worth of dollars for her trouble. What a sweet deal! What idiot would believe this.

Drip, drip, drip

Thu, 21 May 2009 00:00:00 +0000

The owner of the condo two floors below me is experiencing water leaks. Walls are damp and lumpy and he is upset. The consensus is that the sprinkler system is sprinkling in places where it shouldn’t, and his unit is not currently ablaze, so it shouldn’t be sprinkling at all.

Much gnashing of teeth and complaining to the management company, on the grounds that the sprinkler system is a condo asset and they should fix it. After some investigation they discover that the water is coming from the condo above. After more investigation they discover that the water is coming from the condo above the condo that is above the man who has lumpy walls. And that means me. Bugger.

We have a small back balcony, accessible only by climbing out of a window. She who must be obeyed had turned it into a small forest of plants which looked very attractive and only required to be hosed down on a regular basis. The forest was removed and the culprit was discovered not to be the sodden flora, but a condensation outlet from my computer room which was nowhere near a drain.

I use my computer room aircon often (like, now) and the constant drip from the outlet had, over the years, softened the concrete and made a nice little waterfall down into the condos below. There are mutterings of my having to pay for the repairs below, but meantime I have spent a sweaty day plugging the gap and constructing a (yes, you guessed it) blue plastic pipe to route the water to the drain.

Kenya sex terrorism shock horror Mungiki monster

Wed, 20 May 2009 00:00:00 +0000

Our exciting game of country bingo has been underway for several months. Finally we have the potential for a winning line (cast your eyes left for the country flags). All we need is a visitor from Kenya to visit these hallowed pages.

To encourage such visitors, I hope I have devised a suitably enticing title. Sadly, as is so often the case here, the contents have little relevance to the title. But if you are from Kenya, welcome! Congratulations on winning the bingo prize (please pop round to our office to collect it, you will need a forklift), and well done on your excellent coffee and wildlife.

Making a hole where the rain gets in

Tue, 19 May 2009 00:00:00 +0000

More than a year ago I highlighted the campaign for the new major, and pointed out the depressing state of some of the local roads.

Thirteen months on, and although some of the road widening projects appear to be near completion, the stretch of Thappraya road I highlighted in the previous post remains abysmal.

The situation has gone from crap to something worse than crap with the arrival of a large hole across half the road.

Rocket man

Tue, 19 May 2009 00:00:00 +0000

Every year in Thailand there are rocket festivals to mark the start of the rainy season. The rockets are home made (my favourite blue plumbing pipe is a popular component) and therefore unpredictable and extremely dangerous.

Prida Wongnatal and his mates turned up to watch some rockets being launched and wanted a quiet area to settle down for an extended drinking session. The event was busy, but there was a nice empty spot which had been cordoned off. The fact that this area was cordoned off because it was in the path of rockets did not seem to dissuade the drinkers.

Woe, woe and thrice T woe

Tue, 19 May 2009 00:00:00 +0000

TT&T. Internet service providers, but without the service and a very loose interpretation of the word “provider”, such that they don’t think it means they will actually give you anything. Along with the Telephone Authority of Thailand (TOT), they also provide the messily arranged telephone wires that carry the wide wide world of web signals, and the telephone conversation that you have to make to them on a frequent basis to complain.

Geek heaven

Sat, 16 May 2009 00:00:00 +0000

I love my Mac Pro. It is beautiful, quiet, sinfully quick, and the Mac OS just works to help me do what I want to do. But as a gaming machine it sucks.

Of course Macs are not designed for gaming. If you want to work with media, they are perfection; but the graphics cards are not up to the job for modern gaming, and the Mac OS does not attract many games.

I could pander to my gaming needs by running a separate PC, complete with noisy fans and all the attendant grief that comes with PC hardware. Instead, I have XP installed on one of my four Mac Pro disks, and today an appropriate gaming card was delivered.

Being Apple, they charged at least 50% more for the card than I would pay in the shops for a PC version, and fitted it with two graphics adapters, one of which will only work with an Apple monitor of a certain type of which only one model has been released. Sometimes they are annoying bastards.

But the new card is deliciously red:

Angels and Demons and Star Trek

Fri, 15 May 2009 00:00:00 +0000

No power in the condo yesterday as we were installing what is known in the trade as an RMU, known outside the trade as a large, expensive cabinet full of wires and switches which controls the feed of electricity into the condo.

The job is done by ABB who seem to know exactly what they are doing, and have even sent the man responsible for the connections to an extended training course in Sweden. Given that most electrical connections in Thailand are made by twisting wires together then covering them with tape, this was of some comfort.

Dog day afternoon, and morning

Fri, 15 May 2009 00:00:00 +0000

Friends arrive to live in Thailand, accompanied by large and very fluffy dog. It is soon clear that things are not going well. Dog can’t stand the heat, goes mental every time it is left alone, and friends are forced to live in a shitty little house which is the only place they can find that allows pets; rather than the very pleasant condo that they own, that doesn’t.

It is clear that a new owner must be found. One with a suitable home for a bouncy beast. One who is prepared to run aircon to keep it cool while it acclimatises (if it ever will). One who is prepared to buy the expensive food for a delicate stomach. Etc. Etc. Tall order.

Would sir like dandruff with that?

Wed, 13 May 2009 00:00:00 +0000

Observe people on escalators in shopping malls. With a few moments respite from rushing around shops buying rubbish, they fill in the time by scratching their heads; or other parts of their bodies, depending upon their current level of skin disorders. There’s that nasty itch in the bum area that needs attending too, even the occasional nose to be picked and the resulting excavation to be idly flicked over the edge. With the appropriate scientific instruments, you could collect all manner of human waste from the floor around the base of an elevator.

Which is why Dunkin’ Donuts have strategically positioned themselves next to escalators in all of the major malls in Pattaya. Maybe it’s a cheap spot to rent, maybe they figure they will maximise passing traffic, presumably they don’t do it because whatever is on display is having all sorts of additional ingredients added, none of which comply with food regulations, assuming we have any here.

This is the Dunkin’ Donuts stall in Tuk Com:

Let's hear it from the oldies

Tue, 12 May 2009 00:00:00 +0000

If you want to make it as a singer, it is useful to be good looking. With the gift of looks, it is not necessary to be able to sing, you just need a modicum of talent at lip syncing and the ability to leap around looking like a dick. Witness the majority of boy and girl bands of the last fifteen years.

With an acceptable singing voice and good looks, the world of entertainment is your whore oyster. Beyonce is an example, as is that annoying lump of grease called Enrique Iglesias.

Wet knicker salvation

Mon, 11 May 2009 00:00:00 +0000

Our condo committee co-chairman, a charming but somewhat belligerent ex-special forces Italian American, called a meeting of our condo committee this morning. Quite frankly I had better things to do at 1000 on a Monday morning; slumped in a chair watching episodes of House for a start. But duty called and I rolled up on time for a no doubt fervent discussion on the placement of the patio pot plants.

A very long length of knicker elastic

Sun, 10 May 2009 00:00:00 +0000

Spent a very pleasant afternoon hanging around at the club. Not a lot of wind, but enough to go out and establish “proof of concept” with the helmet cam.

It is mildly interesting to capture video of the sailor’s eye view (these are just frame grabs, assume you don’t really want to see the video):

Not a babe

Fri, 08 May 2009 00:00:00 +0000

Those of you have been following the story of the she who must be obeyed’s shady dealings in the poker world will have be intrigued (or not) by her recently received death threat.

As well as moving all her chips out of the offending account, she also decide to change the look of the incumbent, from busty babe to, well, this:

Another day of pointless toil and....

Thu, 07 May 2009 00:00:00 +0000

Idiots with guns

Thu, 07 May 2009 00:00:00 +0000

A dramatic robbery at a gold shop in Jomtien this week. Four masked men with M16 rifles entered the shop, sprayed a few bullets, and made off with a hoard of gold. They were pursued by a policeman until he was shot in the leg. The cops and robbers caper took a nasty turn when the robbers chucked a grenade out of the car to further discourage the policeman, the resulting explosion injuring four children standing next to the road.

Up Sukhumvit Road creek without a paddle

Thu, 07 May 2009 00:00:00 +0000

Being a sporty sort of chap, I have been in the habit of carrying my SUP paddle with me in the back of my truck wherever I go. You never know when you mind find yourself in a position to paddle a SUP, and it would be heartbreaking not to have a paddle with you.

This arrangement worked well until the last time I was at Bira racing circuit. I put down the back of the truck so I could climb in the back and take photos from an elevated position; then I drove home. On the way I heard a sort of a bang, but ignored it. When I got home I discovered I had left the back of the truck in the down position, and the paddle had escaped. Damn.

Yesterday I bought a new paddle. It’s the latest Starboard offering and I don’t know how good it is as a paddle yet, but it’s incredibly light and it looks very smart:

Death threats

Wed, 06 May 2009 00:00:00 +0000

As previously reported, she who must obeyed has been using a fake profile in Facebook to encourage donations from players who think a photo of a young lady who is “up for it” (thank you Camberley) is reason enough to donate millions of chips.

As a reminder, here is the photo she has been using:

Advanced engineering

Tue, 05 May 2009 00:00:00 +0000

It’s going to be the greatest windsurfing movie ever made, and I am going to make it. This is because I am in the early stage of enthusiasm which accompanies all my stupid projects. In a couple of weeks, reality will set in and I will be aiming for a (more realistic) hastily patched together assortment of mediocre clips, accompanied by an inappropriate soundtrack.

But for now, I am Martin Scorcese. I have the camera, which is not exactly what Martie uses to make his epics, but it will do. I have Final Cut Express software to edit my video and I am currently working through a book which explains how to use it to people who have more brain and more patience than me. But at least I am learning to use words like Roll, Ripple, Slip and Slide in everyday conversation which perplexes she who must be obeyed (and me as I have forgotten what they mean). I have my Mac Pro which I recall being partially justified on the basis of “I am going to render video, I will need a Mac Pro”. Can’t remember if I actually said that out loud, but you can’t be too careful. And indeed it has consumed all I have thrown at it so far with considerable ease. All I need now is the footage.

Gathering video from a windsurfer is not that easy. You can’t sail with one hand and wave the camera around with the other. Well, you can, but after a couple of seconds you will be filming an accident. So you need to attach the camera to yourself or the board or the sail. And then you need to start recording and hope it stays in one place while you bounce over the water.

I tried using a Gorillapod flexible tripod. Worked for a little while, but then slipped into a new position and I lost the shots I was wanting.

This gave me a little bit of board, a little bit of land, and too much sea.

The other is an altogether too splashy shot taken from the deck. My toes look sexy though. Flickr’s conversion seems to have added some nasty ghosting effects however,

These are HD video clips which are large in file size and do not appear to play smoothly over the internet. But they do look good full size on my machine. Come round some time and take a look.

I decided to construct something more rigid, the first project being a clamp that I could fix to the boom. This meant a trip to the plumbing supplies store. Some build their creations out of carbon, titanium and stainless steel, precise to a fraction of millimetre. I use plastic water pipe and a hammer, precise to nothing at all.

So here I was again in the basement of Home Something or Other, perusing the wide range of blue plastic pipe and fittings. Given that all the local shops are devoid of custom at the moment, it was no time at all before an eager young man was by my side, offering assistance.

Can I help you sir?

Yes. I am looking for some fittings that will enable me to mount my camera to a standard windsurfing boom. The device must be easy to remove, light, and adjustable. Tell me young man, what are my component options from this veritable cornucopia of toilet and drainage plumbing delights?

No, of course I didn’t say that. I doubt he could have helped me with a plumbing requirement, let alone Spike’s flight of fancy for which no known solution currently existed. He left me to my pondering and eventually I went home with an assortment of bits.

There then followed a period of quiet contemplation where my years of advanced design and engineering skills fermented together to produce this:

If you can read this, you do not need glasses.

Mon, 04 May 2009 00:00:00 +0000

Met some friends at the Cafe des Amis last night. This was our second visit and the food was as good as the first time, with the service being slightly more shambolic. Still recommended.

A browse through the small print at the bottom of the menu revealed a message advising that reading glasses were available for patrons who needed assistance in reading the menu, which was in a larger font size than the message. I suggested to the waiter that they needed a message in very large print explaining that reading glasses were available for those who needed assistance in reading the small print, who could then discover that they could borrow reading glasses for reading the menu. He failed to comprehend my recursive wit; but he did bring me some reading glasses.

In praise of Pierre

Mon, 04 May 2009 00:00:00 +0000

We're all going to die

Sat, 02 May 2009 00:00:00 +0000

She who must be obeyed calls me from work in a state of panic.

Have you heard about the flu deaths in Mexico? (Until international news is flashed up on Facebook poker, she will remain generally unaware of world events).

Yes. About 100 people have died.

I am scared, I don’t want to die.

I am scared too, I don’t want to die either. Although I don’t expect it will be swine flu that kills me.

A (yellow) message in a bottle

Fri, 01 May 2009 00:00:00 +0000

Went to Bangkok on Monday to meet a friend. The trip turned into a personal logistical nightmare.

I used to work in Bangkok and there was a degree of ritual involved in the inevitably slow journey home at night. Before getting into your car, you went to the toilet and had a pee. Even if you didn’t want one, it was best to check. Then, even if you spent the next two to three hours in gridlocked frustration, at least you didn’t have to worry about seeking out a urinal in six lanes of traffic.

Rampant fanboy banker

Fri, 01 May 2009 00:00:00 +0000

When I stopped working I was presented with a bundle of cash and a pension. My bank wasted no time in advising me on how to invest the bundle of cash in a manner that would earn them maximum commissions. The investments did quite well for me for a while too, although now they are worth what is known in banking terms as “bugger all”.

Still, the bank insists on providing me with a personal adviser who calls me up to introduce himself, does nothing for a year or so, and is then re-assigned to some other cushy position where he can sit behind a desk and persuade punters to invest their cash in hopeless schemes.

Pattaya Days guide to Swine Flu

Thu, 30 Apr 2009 00:00:00 +0000

Actually, I stole it from the BBC, bastions of public education.

TT&T bastards

Thu, 30 Apr 2009 00:00:00 +0000

TT&T are a company that pretends to provide internet services. In reality they provide pain and heartache.

My internet “service” has become so intermittent that the down time is competing with the up time in the most frequent occurrence competition. So much so, that last Saturday I walked into TT&T and cancelled their service as from 15th May, after which I will suffer under some equally crappy alternative provider.

Bad move. On Monday my internet died completely and has been off until about 5 minutes ago. Twice daily calls elicited the response “we will call you back.” Total lies. Finally, yesterday afternoon, I refused to accept the promise of a call back and eventually talked to an engineer who tested the line and pronounced it dead. This morning an engineer called and promised to come round. Four hours later, he did.

All in all, it's just another Russian spam in The Wall

Mon, 27 Apr 2009 00:00:00 +0000

The more observant amongst you (not you, Jock) will notice that The Wall in the sidebar has gone. It was never used much, and the majority of usage was swinging towards what I assume was Russian spam.

The wonders of Gmail and Wordpress spam filters means that I rarely have to deal with the daily avalanche of bollocks that descends upon this site and my email accounts; it is automatically shovelled into the place of digital death. So I have little tolerance for deleting spam messages which appear in places that are not automatically filtered, like The Wall.

Polo pain and pleasure

Mon, 27 Apr 2009 00:00:00 +0000

This weekend marked the end of the Polo season at Polo Escape. Good news for those of you who are sick of photos of horses, bad news for me as I will miss the photography, the people, and the insanely great hospitality; which was much in evidence on Saturday evening with a lavish seafood and everything else buffet washed down by unlimited champagne and wine.

The weekend was marred in the final few minutes of the game on Sunday, when Paul Cheung fell off his horse. This would not have been too bad had the horse not then fallen on Paul, the result being a dislocate shoulder, broken ribs, and a broken collarbone that required emergency surgery last night.

Paul is the CEO of a diamond trading company in Hong Kong. Although clearly not short of cash, he is down to earth, a source of endless amusing stories and fine company. He is currently fighting a campaign with the management of Thai Airlines to get them to improve the quality of the post-meal toothpicks in Business Class. Beats combating global warming. Get well soon Paul.

The light was not as good as usual, but I managed a few reasonable shots, including this sequence of the Von Potobsky brothers fighting over the ball. Barging your horse into an opponent is an acceptable tactic in Polo. It’s especially satisfying if the other horse is being ridden by your brother.

Small is beautiful

Mon, 27 Apr 2009 00:00:00 +0000

Having failed to get myself out on the streets at Songkran with my new waterproof camera, I find myself standing in the sea last week at a (for me) ridiculously early hour. The purpose of my semi-immersion is to capture some footage of Craig catching small waves on a SUP.

He proved that you don’t need big swell to have surfing fun, I proved that my little camera takes really good quality video, even if my cinematography skills need some work. While I was sitting with my “Final Cut Express for complete idiots” book, trying to work out how to turn the video into something useful, Craig had cranked out this neat little YouTube video:

Compressed for YouTube, the video is a little jerky and degraded; but full size, the video is a crisp and smooth 1280x720 of HD goodness. Not bad for a camera you can stick in your pocket and take anywhere.

Bicycles and caffeine cakes

Fri, 24 Apr 2009 00:00:00 +0000

There are many reasons why I love she who must be obeyed. She is kind, considerate, cute, fun and intelligent; to name just a few of her attributes. But there are days when the intelligence is thrown out the window and she moves into crazy panic mode. Yesterday was such a day.

Her auntie, together with German husband have come to stay in Pattaya for a few days. No problem with that, I have not been required to socialise, although a dinner is planned. This will no doubt be a pleasant enough experience, provided I can stop myself from starting a “my dad kicked your dad’s ass in the war” conversation with the husband. (To be honest, he probably didn’t. According to my mother, the only ass my dad was involved with was an Italian hooker with whom he spent most of the war; in a tent in the Egyptian desert. There was a horse involved too, which my father insisted lived outside the tent, but my mother, when she was really pissed with him, insisted spent more time inside the tent than would be considered normal in a non-bestial relationship).

I digress, Auntie and German hubbie are no problem. She who must be obeyed had decided it might be a good idea to lend them our bikes so they could cycle around, be assaulted by soi dogs and catch rabies, although she did not put it like that. Trouble is, our bikes have lain dormant in the condo basement car park for more than a year. They would need a good cleaning, oiling and adjusting before being ridden again. I decided the best plan was to agree it was a good idea to lend out the bikes, point out the maintenance issue, and then shut up. Hopefully she who must be obeyed would drop the plan.

She did, until yesterday morning when she suddenly decided that the bikes had to made ready for Auntie to ride immediately, or preferably sooner. I was not sure what prompted the need, but it was urgent and logic was being dispensed with. She called to tell me that she had arranged for our condo maid to prepare the bikes for action. Our maid has problems washing a plate properly, I doubted she could prep a bike.

What is she going to do, I asked?

Take the bikes to a bike shop to have the tyres pumped up.

How will she get them there given that she has no transport and the nearest shop is kilometres away?

-silence-

Where will she get the oil to maintain the chain?

-silence-

She can’t unlock a door without breaking something. How will she adjust the gears?

-silence-

Not thought through, beyond deciding there was an immediate need and finding someone to throw some money at who would undoubtedly render the bikes beyond further repair. There was only one way to calm her down, I would have to do it myself.

So I spent a couple of hours yesterday, cleaning, oiling, pumping, adjusting; so that when she who must be obeyed arrived home I was a sweaty, oily, dirty mess of a man with two quite clean and entirely functional bicycles.

Ready for auntie, I announced, and did a little flourish with my greasy arms.

Ah. She looked embarrassed

Ah?

I just called auntie and she told me she had had a knee operation recently so she can’t cycle.

Ah indeed.

Never mind, the bikes did need cleaning and it had been mildly therapeutic getting my hands dirty again. But I was hungry. So we went to Pan Pan.

We don’t go very often. Their pizzas are unspectacular and best avoided unless you want a sausage encrusted Frisbee. But their cakes are gooooood. So after something that looked like ravioli but was called something else, and a couple of glasses of wine; we went home with an expresso cake for me and a tiramisu cake for her. Mine went down nicely with a glass of Sambuca enhanced with three coffee beans (four spoils it, two is just not enough). It was only after there was no more cake to consume that I remembered that their expresso cake should actually called caffeine cake. The heart rate soars and you can forget about sleep for at least a week.

And so it was that the pretty young girl that is not me could be seen hanging around the Facebook poker tables until around 0300. Today I feel wrecked, think I will go for a cycle to keep awake.

Gratuitous photo moment. There was a Ferrari meet outside Pan Pan a couple of years ago. For some reason I thought a pizza restaurant sign reflected in the rear window of a Ferrari would be appropriate. Your mileage may vary.

At last, a cure for baldness

Wed, 22 Apr 2009 00:00:00 +0000

Is there a doctor in the House?

Wed, 22 Apr 2009 00:00:00 +0000

My relationship with she who must be obeyed is such that we occasionally have disagreements that require me to sulk for a few hours. If she does something that I perceive to be contrary to the terms and conditions of our marriage, then I feel that the adult way of dealing with this is to take a huff and go and sulk in a corner for a while. She has a much more childish way of dealing with these things; she actually raises the concern and makes me discuss and resolve it. Where’s the fun in that?

Mine has bigger tits

Mon, 20 Apr 2009 00:00:00 +0000

Thanks for the comments on Poker Pornography.

You were all correct. Miss B was my choice, and indeed I would happily donate poker chips and assorted fluids to her should the opportunity arise. I am pleased to see that the cultured readership of this organ shares my taste in this matter; even if the hairy Albanians prefer to throw their chips at the over-nosed, possible lady boy that is Miss A.

Camberley opined that the reason that Miss A gathered chips was because she looked “up for it,” and I think that indeed may be the winning factor. But she who must be obeyed had a different theory, “mine has bigger tits.”

In separate correspondence, Camberley suggested that I get she who must be obeyed to choose a new photo, given that I don’t seem to have my finger on the pulse of what constitutes attraction for my gender. So I did, and she came up with this:

The calm before some more calm

Mon, 20 Apr 2009 00:00:00 +0000

Peace at last.

Long weekend: Done Asean Conference: Almost done and then cancelled and replaced with riots. Trip to in-laws: Deferred Songkran: Done

After a couple of weeks of assorted mayhem, peace has returned to the streets of Pattaya. Driving around this morning, people were cleaning up from the Songkran party and life was returning to normal. And now we head into the low season as far as tourists are concerned, which may be bad for the tourist industry, but very pleasant for those of us who reside here.

Yesterday was the Songkran party day in Pattaya and, armed with my new waterproof camera, I had intended to head out and take some shots. But after a lazy afternoon on the sofa watching a cloud of spray which was meant to be the Chinese Grand Prix, I just couldn’t be bothered going out and getting wet. So here is “one I took earlier.”

Poker Pornography

Sat, 18 Apr 2009 00:00:00 +0000

She who must be obeyed’s obsession with Facebook poker continues. Over many hours of play she noticed that the cute girls (or rather, players who used photos of cute girls) would be given free chips by other players; usually hairy men from Turkey and Albania.

Personally, I find she who must be obeyed scores very highly in the cute stakes; but she was not being showered with chips by hairy men. So she did the obvious thing and set up a new player with a cute girl photo she found on the wide wide world of web.

Good wheeze, I thought, and did the same; except the photo I chose was MUCH cuter. Or so I thought.

With our new personalities, we launched our combined cuteness into the Facebook poker rooms.

She who must be obeyed found early success. A man with endless chips who was prepared to sell them to her for $1 a million (normal price, at least $5 a million). Because she looked cute; even though she could easily have been a strapping welder from Wallsend with an obsession for recreational chemicals.

And then, the ultimate sugar daddy; an idiot who insisted on giving her 130 million chips, for free! Based on a photo and some entirely trivial chat in the poker room (trust me, I keep an eye on these things). It’s an interesting insight into the male mind, the stupid things we (by “we”, I mean other people, not me of course) will do for a pretty face.

Meanwhile, I was having less success. As soon as I entered a table, at least one of the males present wanted to be my poker buddy. When I won a hand, people would congratulate me. This was a pleasant change from the usual “why don’t you go and fuck yourself with a sledgehammer” style of abuse I would receive when winning a hand as a man. But no chips. Nobody considered me cute enough to lavish me with gifts of chips.

She who must be obeyed was not surprised. Se was adamant that I had chosen the wrong picture. “You find her cute, but others won’t”, she insisted. “You have a strange idea of beauty”. “Obviously, since I married you”, was my obvious response. Then I ran.

So, what do you think?

Here is Ms. A:

Private stuff with horses

Sat, 18 Apr 2009 00:00:00 +0000

Sorry for the break (what do you mean, you never noticed), but have been a little busy.

Had an assignment to photograph a private event. Being private, obviously I can’t tell you anything about it. But it involved businessmen jetting in from overseas, and horses; and it wasn’t nearly as risque as that sounds. Fun to be involved with, but a load of photo processing to do afterwards, so no time for trivialities such as blog posts.

Horse power

Tue, 14 Apr 2009 00:00:00 +0000

And in other news

Mon, 13 Apr 2009 00:00:00 +0000

Given that the country is currently in meltdown, I thought I would cheer things up a bit with a couple of shots of Narin taken last week.

Every cloud

Mon, 13 Apr 2009 00:00:00 +0000

Today was going to be the day that we flew to the north of Thailand to spend a couple of days with my in-laws.

They are perfectly pleasant people and are always embarrassingly nice to me; but there is not much for me to do as the family settles in for a monster chatting session, supported by Olympic-class snacking.

However, she who must be obeyed was concerned that if we went to the airport, we might not be able to get back (if the red shirts emulate the yellow shirts), and then her Mum called to say there were red shirt disturbances in their town; so a decision was taken to cancel the trip.

All quiet on the Eastern front

Sun, 12 Apr 2009 00:00:00 +0000

Thanks for your concern

Sat, 11 Apr 2009 00:00:00 +0000

I am most touched by the stream of e-mails, messages and phone calls which have arrived over the past few hours, enquiring as to the safety of she who must obeyed, the cats, and as an afterthought, me.

Yes, well, none actually. Where’s your compassion?

Anyway, after an enjoyable afternoon with the protesters yesterday, things turned ugly this morning and we saw a pitched battle between the red shirts and blue shirts (that’s another coloured shirt I will have to avoid wearing) on the TV. The location looked familiar, and indeed it was, it was just up the road from our condo.

An afternoon with the reds

Fri, 10 Apr 2009 00:00:00 +0000

Don't drink and drive

Thu, 09 Apr 2009 00:00:00 +0000

Or at least:

Don’t do wheelies whilst waving a bottle of Jack Daniel’s. This is Jimmy’s somewhat muddled public service announcement to discourage drinking and driving during the upcoming Songkran holiday.

Ladies meet boat. Boat wins

Wed, 08 Apr 2009 00:00:00 +0000

“I knew we were in trouble from the moment we stepped on board”, said a clearly shaken Mrs. Betty Kernberger, spokesperson of the Ohio Extremely Obese Ladies Society.

The society, undertaking their annual “all you can eat” tour of Thailand, had chartered the good ship Galatea to take them to Koh Larn Island off Pattaya.

The combined weight of the thirty five ladies and the several kilos of snacks they had taken on board for the journey, was just too much for the ageing vessel and she became partially submerged within a few hundred metres of leaving the jetty.

Protest! Protest! Wait, it's time for food

Wed, 08 Apr 2009 00:00:00 +0000

Came upon a half-hearted red shirt protest yesterday. A bout of general shouting and placard waving was coming to an end. Clearly the enthusiasm for protest was being overtaken by the usual Thai yearning for a snack.

Small green machine

Wed, 08 Apr 2009 00:00:00 +0000

An urgent call to from Nik to visit his condo and photograph a visitor.

A couple of centimetres of caterpillar, with false eyes to deter predators (didn’t fool us). Hard to shoot macro as the depth of field is sooooo small.

So much for travelling incognito

Wed, 08 Apr 2009 00:00:00 +0000

I am told that the major of London goes to work on a bicycle. Not so the politicians of Thailand. Nothing less than a shiny limousine and a supporting fleet of vans containing lackeys and police cars sporting loud sirens to blast a way through the traffic.

Damn nuisance if you get forced to side of the road to let a politician’s convoy go past, but not much you can do about it; except giggle with delight when it all goes horribly wrong. As it did yesterday.

Telephone spaghetti

Wed, 08 Apr 2009 00:00:00 +0000

The electricity and phone service in Thailand is a mess of wires. Walking around, I marvel at how it all seems to work; except when it doesn’t.

Moving increasingly into the category of “it doesn’t work” is my internet connection, which is either humming along at high speed (which it damn well should do for the price I pay for it), or is completely buggered. The completely buggered usually lasts for a few minutes, and then it comes back again. Except when it rains, during which it time it refuses to do anything until the sun has come out and dried something out.

I have called TT&T, the company which theoretically provides me with the “service”. Someone will call you back, they tell me. Someone doesn’t. Then I ring again, several times, and eventually an engineer calls me and asks me if it is now OK. When he rings, it is. Three hours later it is buggered and the whole sorry cycle starts again.

TT&T obviously have trouble with their foreign customers, a problem they have now resolved by removing the English language options from their help desk and inserting a multi-layered, multiple choice set of questions in Thai, designed to dissuade the less linguistically able. Like me.

Fortunately, my plight has come to the attention of she who must be obeyed; because these interruptions are disturbing the flow of her nightly Facebook poker sessions. Finally she picks up the phone and calls the “Help Desk”.

We have a relationship which includes the inevitable disagreements, but nothing serious, and certainly nothing that causes a major argument. So it was quite a surprise, and highly entertaining, to listen to she who must be obeyed in full wrath mode. Fingers were being wagged while talking, notes were being taken, and the person at the other end of the line was given a very hard time.

After ten minutes she put down the phone, turned to me and grinned, “I bet she regrets being on duty this evening.”

Names had been taken, and firm undertakings given that an engineer would be in touch with she who must be obeyed first thing in the morning. She was sure they would not dare disappoint her.

They dared.

Four days later the engineered called to say there was nothing wrong with the line, then he put the phone down. She who must be obeyed was not amused.

Today it rained and the internet collapsed again. I went out to the back of the condo to see where the lines come into the building. It was not a pretty sight.

Fascist State Car number 1

Tue, 07 Apr 2009 00:00:00 +0000

Various vehicles are whizzing around Pattaya in support of the increasingly annoying Asean summit.

This is a Myanmar car, identifiable as FSC1, a rather obvious acronym for that sad country.

No Narin

Tue, 07 Apr 2009 00:00:00 +0000

I know that most of my readership welcome shots of the lovely Miss Narin, but have little interest in bike shots.

Well, tough. I went to Bira today with the sole purpose of playing with my new monster lens, so shots of Narin will have to wait for later in the week (keep watching). Meantime, here are some shots I am pleased with; the contrast and colour from this lens is just gorgeous, they look even better at full resolution, which is what you will get if you are foolish enough to click on any of the images below.

Sawadee Kinnnaree - Update

Mon, 06 Apr 2009 00:00:00 +0000

Sawadee, in this context, meaning hello.

In spite of previously proclaiming closure for a week, Kinnaree was open for business today. Presumably a negotiated settlement was arrived at quicker than anticipated.

Small is beautiful

Mon, 06 Apr 2009 00:00:00 +0000

Why don't you all just sod off and leave us alone?

Mon, 06 Apr 2009 00:00:00 +0000

It’s been a long weekend, in more ways than one. A long weekend in as much as today is a public holiday, so hoardes of Bankokians have descended on Pattaya for a three day break.

You can spot them in the malls. Families with frustrated children, trying to have fun in places which contain exactly the same shops that they could find in Bangkok, only shittier. Young couples with the male looking not at all frustrated, and the female looking slightly guilty, as they escape the family confines for a weekend of furtive coupling in a discrete hotel.

I don’t care why they have come, but they clog up the roads and fill up the restaurants and I look forward to Monday evening when they have all departed on the Death Race 2009 event that is the trip back to Bangkok.

Except that this Monday, the Bangkok crowd have been replaced by an even more obnoxious and annoying bunch, the attendees at the Asean summit. She who must be obeyed had a difficult, diversion-filled trip to work this morning, and my lunchtime outing was hindered by signs and men in brown. Just because the attendees happen to be prime ministers and presidents, I don’t see why they can’t hop on a baht bus like anyone else. Instead, the entire traffic system, which is a mess at the best of times, has to be thrown into complete disarray to pander to these public servants.

Silver lining? We yes of course. Remember those bullshit banners of Theppasit road advertising properties that will never get built? All gone, and replaced by a smattering of flower boxes and some flags. It would be awfully tempting to obtain a flag from, say, Slovenia and stick it amongst the Asean flags. Bet nobody would notice.

An excess of vans

Sat, 04 Apr 2009 00:00:00 +0000

A circus arrived in our neighbourhood a few weeks ago. They erected an appropriately coloured tent and prepared a massive car park to accommodate all the cars that never came.

While the acrobats perform to tiny audiences, someone came up with a bright idea to fill the car park; hold a vehicle auction for cars and vans which are surplus to requirements in the current economic meltdown (which, according to the politicians here, is not severe and things are picking up and blah blah blah).

So if you are after a well-used but recently washed Toyota van (guaranteed to kill all occupants in the event of an accident), or an Airports of Thailand limousine; get yourself down to the circus.

Sawadee Kinnaree

Sat, 04 Apr 2009 00:00:00 +0000

Sawadee, in this context, meaning goodbye.

The Kinnaree club has been operating in the Phratumnak area for a year or so. A house converted into a “gentlemen’s club” (i.e. a brothel), it is rather conspicuous in a residential area, particularly one which is home to a member of the royal family.

So it was no surprise that it was raided yesterday. Twenty six young ladies were arrested and some poor policeman had the job of collecting assorted used condoms to be used as “evidence.” Raymond Rose, an Englishman, was arrested as being the owner of the place (although I know the man who actually owns the building, so presumably Mr. Rose is just playing at rent-a-brothel).

This morning there was a sign outside the building saying it was closed for a week. Presumably this is the length of time it will take for Mr. Rose to arrange donations to the appropriate authorities, and purchase a new supply of condoms for his customers.

Under my umbrella ella ella

Sat, 04 Apr 2009 00:00:00 +0000

How the hell do you work this mouse?

Thu, 02 Apr 2009 00:00:00 +0000

The benefits of a disfigured chest

Thu, 02 Apr 2009 00:00:00 +0000

Khun Kornpat Lertratanaporn, like all young Thai men, is liable to be called up for military service. The fact that Kornpat would rather be a lady and was a previous winner of a Miss Tiffany contest, did not absolve him/her from the conscription process.

Luckily, he/she failed the medical on the grounds that he/she has a disfigured chest.

Colour management

Wed, 01 Apr 2009 00:00:00 +0000

She who must be obeyed comes home last night with a chart which is duly stuck up on the board in the kitchen.

Bring out the suicide swords

Tue, 31 Mar 2009 00:00:00 +0000

Honda came back into Formula 1 in 2006 and proceeded to pump millions of dollars into a team which managed one race win but very little else. In 2007 they hired Ross Brawn who decided to limit development on the 2008 car and concentrate on developing a new car for the new regulations in 2009.

The 2008 season was therefore a disaster for Honda, but by the end of the year they had a car for 2009 which had had much more development than anyone else, a couple of decent drivers, and the genius of Ross Brawn. So of course they did the sensible thing and withdrew from the sport.

Along comes Mercedes and sticks their engine into the back of a car developed with Honda’s money; and the team duly takes first and second places in Australia last weekend. Presumably some sacrificial swords are being sharpened back in Japan.

Jenson Button, who won the race, made much of how tough life had been over the past few months. Don’t feel too sorry for him. He has made an estimated sixty million pounds out of F1 already, and has recently acquired a Japanese/Argentinian lingerie model as a girlfriend.

Not stoked

Tue, 31 Mar 2009 00:00:00 +0000

I am stoked. You are stoked. He/she is stoked. It’s a slang word much beloved of the surfing community and when you are stoked you are feeling the bliss that only a heavy session of surfing can bring.

It’s not something we say around the windsurfing club, not because we don’t feel “stoked”, but because most of us are European and instead say things like “Gosh, that was fun; now I need a cup of tea.”

Flawed attractions - The Village Shopping Centre

Sun, 29 Mar 2009 00:00:00 +0000

On the road south out of Pattaya there is a “floating market” which has proved extremely popular. The car parks are always busy, particularly on a weekend.

Lies, damn lies, and property development maps

Sun, 29 Mar 2009 00:00:00 +0000

The Beaches development near Bang Saray is keen to emphasise that it is located conveniently close to Pattaya. Check the map, looks like you could easily walk from The Beaches into Jomtien:

A windy wave of pedantry

Sat, 28 Mar 2009 00:00:00 +0000

An assertion in a recent post that I was sailing faster than the wind resulted a response from Camberley, riding on a self-confessed wave of pedantry, that such a thing could not be possible.

There then followed a brief but vigorous exchange of e-mails where I pointed him to various websites which explained the phenomenon. Being Camberley, and possessed of an enormous brain, he decided that the mathematical formulas in Wikipedia were flawed, but he did accept the principle.

How not to travel

Sat, 28 Mar 2009 00:00:00 +0000

So you find yourself in a mini-van with eleven other slightly sweaty individuals; shut together in a metal box for several hours of travel. How to survive the journey? Listen to some music? Read a book? Sleep?

KARAOKE!!!

String a few words together

Sat, 28 Mar 2009 00:00:00 +0000

The property developers around Pattaya are notorious for devising slogans for their developments which are crass, grammatically flawed and meaningless. “Your luxury home in luxury lifestyle dream persuasion” is an example, even if I did just make it up.

The Mon Phoenix development team clearly spent many a long night writing suitable words up on a whiteboard and then trying to string them together into a phrase which would tempt discerning investors to part with their cash.

In the end, they gave up and just printed the words on a banner.

Grand Designs

Thu, 26 Mar 2009 00:00:00 +0000

If you have access to UK TV, you may have seen the “Grand Designs” series. Each episode covers a project to construct or refurbish a house; and the project is always ambitious, risky and usually hugely expensive.

Those involved have usually made some money in London and wish to escape to the country.

“Look Fiona, a pile of bricks that used to be a shithouse. Let’s spend half a million pounds and turn it into a five bedroom house.”

Wimping out

Thu, 26 Mar 2009 00:00:00 +0000

Certainly some wind today; but a wind that decided to amuse itself by changing direction and speed at a whim. Couple with a large swell, everyone was reporting unpleasant conditions and I decided to wimp out and just try and take some photos.

With the strong wind being well offshore, there were few chances, but Craig obliged by jumping his board just after leaving the beach, much to the consternation of a nearby swimmer.

A packet of wafer biscuits

Wed, 25 Mar 2009 00:00:00 +0000

Every year I receive a letter from the pension arm of my previous employer, advising me of the increase in my pension for the following year.

Even though my pension is paid is sterling, it arises from years of sweat and toil (aka lazing about) in foreign countries; in my case mainly Asia. So it would be reasonable to assume that any increase would take account of global conditions.

And so I tore open the envelope today and looked forward to a message along the lines of:

Happy Birthday to this

Tue, 24 Mar 2009 00:00:00 +0000

Pop the balloons and get auntie drunk on cheap sherry, for today is the first birthday of ~~your favourite, the blog you quite like~~ the blog you stumble onto by mistake, Pattaya Days.

To save you checking, here is the link to the first post, a totally inconsequential piece about the failure of the switch on my coffee machine. It’s been downhill from there really.

Too many photos of bikes, horses and windsurfers; and far too few of girls wearing insufficient clothing. Frequent references to my partner in crime, she who must be obeyed, who is a far sweeter person in real life than my desire to be slightly scurrilous in my writing would indicate.

Good reasons to live in Thailand #756

Mon, 23 Mar 2009 00:00:00 +0000

Mango and sticky rice.

A freshly peeled, ripe mango; accompanied by a lump of sticky rice soaked in coconut milk.

Does anything taste so good? No. Is it expensive? No. Am I currently eating mango and sticky rice in between typing? Yes.

Bliss.

Comments 🔗

2009-03-26 | The Son says

Yeah, well, I’ve got a cup of TEA, so not jealous at all.

PS. went to a Thai place in Oxford for lunch last week, Tom Yam for £6.50. 520 Baht for Pad Thai. And it wasn’t even that great :/

The cult of celebrity

Sun, 22 Mar 2009 00:00:00 +0000

It’s a strange development in popular culture; where individuals who have done nothing of worth, become famous simply because they have managed to propel themselves into the public eye, usually as a result of odious self-promotion.

The cult of celebrity reached a sickening new low in the UK this week with the death of Jade Goody. I wanted to write something to express my revulsion; but I discovered that Billy had beaten me to it; and done a much better job than I could.

A is for Alien Ant Farm

Sat, 21 Mar 2009 00:00:00 +0000

One of the first signs of compatibility between myself and she who must be obeyed occurred when we walked passed a shopping outlet and we simultaneously recognised the not entirely obvious music blaring from within. (At the same time, this moment masked one of the less compatible aspects of our relationship; as I later discovered that she was normally incapable of walking past any shopping outlet, irrespective of the music being played, without at least staring at length at the contents of the window; and more likely entering the establishment for a considerable period).

All your base are belong to us

Sat, 21 Mar 2009 00:00:00 +0000

I freely admit that my language skills are limited to English; and some would say that my English language skills are also somewhat limited. But at least I recognise that; and if I were attempting to communicate with a group of people who spoke another language, I would engage the services of a native speaker to ensure that a properly worded message was crafted.

This is not the approach applied in Thailand, where grammatical disasters can be found in marketing messages for housing projects, domestic products, tourism; any product where they are trying to attract foreigners and think that stringing a random selection of words together will be sufficient.

Now Pattaya City has joined the club. Over the past week, banners have been strung across main roads:

Dressed for the weather

Wed, 18 Mar 2009 00:00:00 +0000

Bikes at Bira today and Khun Narin was skipping around in a bikini. Clearly she knew the weather forecast, because the heavens opened, nobody was biking, and Khun Narin was quite happy getting damp and posing next to the rain overflow.

Shrink what?

Sun, 15 Mar 2009 00:00:00 +0000

Windows strikes back

Sun, 15 Mar 2009 00:00:00 +0000

A couple of days with my new Mac Pro and all is going well. Filled up the the four hard drive bays with a couple of 1TB drives, one to hold all my data and the other to back it up; and a 320GB drive so I can install Windows for gaming.

Make a substantial dent in the 1TB storage by consolidating my music, photos and movies from all over my network into a single place, and then consider the Windows install.

A wiring problem

Fri, 13 Mar 2009 00:00:00 +0000

It is around three months since I rang TT&T and complained about my intermittent internet service. They promised that an engineer would call me, but he never did. Until yesterday.

Hello, TT&T, you have problem with internet and phone.

It’s actually OK today thank you. You should have called six weeks ago.

No, you have problem.

No I don’t

Yes you do.

No I don’t. Click (him not me).

Then in the afternoon he rang again and we had an almost identical conversation.

Today my internet was also OK, but driving onto Theppasit road there were a tangle of broken wires littering the road.

Gay Communist Scotsman?

Fri, 13 Mar 2009 00:00:00 +0000

Possibly all three.

Hell on Earth

Fri, 13 Mar 2009 00:00:00 +0000

In Bangkok yesterday and there was a Barbie Doll promotion in Siam Paragon. If there is a hell, it will look like this.

I blame Vista

Fri, 13 Mar 2009 00:00:00 +0000

A long time ago, in a land far away (actually, here), she who must be obeyed needed a laptop for her MBA course. So we went out and bought a Sony Vaio with Windoze Vista installed. It sucked. Couldn’t print from it, couldn’t get any work done due to the constant interruptions from the OS (“you have moved the mouse, are you sure you want to do that?”) and the overall impression was of bloatware.

So I went out and bought her a Macbook. Never had a Mac before, but people I respected were full of praise. While she was waiting to sell the Vaio, I played with the Macbook and decided I liked it so much she wasn’t going to have it, so I had to go out and buy another Macbook for her. Suddenly we were a two Mac household and converts to the cause.

I discovered that my humble Macbook could process photos seven times faster than my theoretically more powerful XP PC. So when Apple announced a new range of iMacs a few months later, I went straight down to the shop and negotiated a discount on an “old” model.

And for the past year or so I have enjoyed my relationship with my 24" iMac. The screen is lovely and it handles almost anything you throw at it, although it can slow down a little if you have too many heavy applications running. Seeing Nik’s Mac Pro last year convinced me that one day I would own one too, but I would wait for the new model to be released in 2009.

The new model duly came last week, stuffed with Nehalem processors, but at a price that did not represent the value of the old model. So I did the same trick again. Called up iStudio and asked for deal on the old model; and what they offered me was an ex-demo machine for 30% off list price. Deal!

Off to Bangkok with Nik yesterday and we picked it up. Perfect condition apart from some dust, and they even gave me a brand new keyboard and mouse. With the money I have saved I am going to boost the memory to 10GB and stuff in the new 4870 graphics card.

It really is a gorgeous piece of engineering.

Talking of billboards

Fri, 13 Mar 2009 00:00:00 +0000

Were we? Yes, see previous posts re. concrete.

The junction of Theppasit Road and Thappraya Road could hardly be declared an area of outstanding natural beauty, unless it was situated within a 5 kilometre radius of Chernobyl. But even the glowing, multi-headed residents of Chernobyl might reconsider the designation since some bright spark decided to erect an ugly metal tower.

Much conjecture during construction. Was it a mini version of a View Talay concrete cereal box condo? Was it a launch gantry for a Thai space shot. Nope, it was yet another bloody billboard receptacle, just what we needed to cheer the place up.

There's money in concrete - part 1

Fri, 13 Mar 2009 00:00:00 +0000

Cynics have suggested that the comparatively excellent roadway system in Thailand exists because the construction of roads and buildings provides ample opportunity for the officials involved to earn a little extra “tea money”.

However, I am sure this is not the reason why Pattaya City Hall has recently come up with a variety of construction project proposals, all of which seem well justified and will bring incalculable benefits to the city.

There's money in concrete - part 2

Fri, 13 Mar 2009 00:00:00 +0000

Beach Road, the focal point of Pattaya tourism. It has taken years and millions of baht to complete a scheme to route all the electricity cables underground and build a semblance of a promenade next to the beach. This work was finally finished a few months ago and we all breathed a sigh of relief.

Of course it still looks like shit. But if you removed all of the manky hookers and their desperate customers, the shady street vendors, the flag following Korean tourists with their beige beachtowels; and then gave the whole place a good hose down with disinfectant; it might look vaguely acceptable.

There's money in concrete - part 3

Fri, 13 Mar 2009 00:00:00 +0000

Phuket has a rather nice marina, in fact it has more than one rather nice marina. Pattaya has an adequate marina down the road from Jomtien, but that really isn’t good enough; we NEED a new marina in Pattaya to attract all the high rolling millionaires who just happen to be sailing by and fancy a night on the town with their genitals.

The sales pitch for the rather wonderful but not quite constructed Waterfront condo complex assures us that there will a marina close by, so it must be true; and indeed Pattaya City Hall announced last year that they were studying a proposal.

Total protection

Fri, 13 Mar 2009 00:00:00 +0000

In the back of a particularly aggressive Bangkok taxi. The constant near misses were either due to incompetence, or to the fact he couldn’t see out of the window properly because of all the amulets which were ensuring that we wouldn’t drive into a tanker and evaporate in a fiery ball of death. And we didn’t, so they must work.

Wrong foot forward

Wed, 11 Mar 2009 00:00:00 +0000

Sore throat and feeling crap today; nothing at all to do with the fact I have been up past midnight the last two nights playing poker with she who must be obeyed.

Good wind but not up to sailing, so point the camera at Craig on his new yellow SUP. He refuses or is unable to put his right foot forwards, so I end up with too many photos of his back.

Just another day in paradise

Mon, 09 Mar 2009 00:00:00 +0000

What did you do today?

Me:

Leisurely breakfast and coffee. Browsed the web and made a couple of Pattaya Days posts. 150 baht for a tasty lunch and then down to the club for an hour or so of excellent windsurfing.

Back home for a shower and nature topped off a very pleasant day with a spectacular sunset.

Odea, I don't know eddo

Mon, 09 Mar 2009 00:00:00 +0000

A trip to the iTunes store to download the iPhone/Touch version of Facebook poker and I discover another game by the same company called Scramble.

Scramble gives you a 4x4 grid of letters and you have to make as many words as you can from the letters in two minutes. Slick little game on the iPhone and even includes a feature where you can go and play against other people. So I drop into a game of 96 players and end up 51st. Try again and this time there are 83 players and I finish 39th. And so it goes. Every game I play I end up about midway through the results. And almost every game I play is won by a lady which must say something about female word powers.

The chips are down

Mon, 09 Mar 2009 00:00:00 +0000

Saturdays are quiet in the office of she who must be obeyed and her assistant decides to introduce her to the delights of on-line poker.

Unlike most of her compatriots, she who must be obeyed has had no exposure to gambling or the playing of cards, but she is given 50,000 chips by her friend and let loose on the gaming rooms of Facebook. Unfortunately, with such a large number of chips, the game assumes she is experienced and drops her into high stakes games, where her fuzzy knowledge of play ensures that she will be slaughtered.

Ghost in the machine

Fri, 06 Mar 2009 00:00:00 +0000

Want one of these?:

Lucky Number

Thu, 05 Mar 2009 00:00:00 +0000

Contrary to my prediction, she who must be obeyed calls me to tell me that the official registration plate for my truck is now ready and I can go to Mitsubishi to pick it up.

I know the drill by now. A new number plate in Asia is, by default, “lucky”. Depending on the number, it may also be a “good”. No doubt, she who must be obeyed will have already checked.

How to go shopping

Wed, 04 Mar 2009 00:00:00 +0000

She who must be obeyed is sitting at work this morning when the big boss walks in, stand in front of her desk with arms folded and enquires “do you want a fight.”

The obvious response would be “no, I’d rather chew off my own legs”, but upon enquiry it transpires that the boss is not challenging my wife to fisticuffs but has been stiffed by the Power Buy shop in the new Central Mall, and needs the help of she who must be obeyed to sort things out.

Cool Stuff - Safari 4

Tue, 03 Mar 2009 00:00:00 +0000

Firefox has been my web browser of choice for some time. Would never touch buggy, virus attracting Internet Explorer on a Windoze machine, and Safari on a Mac just seemed a little feature-light compared to Firefox.

But now there is Safari 4 (in beta) and it is rather spiffy. Seems to run quickly enough (on a Mac), and it has some cool features.

First there is the “top sites” view which shows you your most regularly visited sites on a single screen, from which you can visit a selected page. I am not sure how useful this is, but it looks cool; which is important.

Cool Stuff - Zen Bound

Tue, 03 Mar 2009 00:00:00 +0000

If you have an iPhone or an iPod Touch (and if you don’t, why not?), you will be familiar with the quality of the display and the sound, and with the very clever user interface using finger controls and the orientation of the device.

And along comes Zen Bound which takes full advantage of all these features to provide a beautiful and immersive game.

When the game loads you are presented with a tree lit by Chinese lanterns. The lanterns sway as you move your device and the light plays over the branches and the flowers; very pretty. There is a chill out soundtrack playing (use headphones to really appreciate this).

Property Update - The Lofts Southshore

Tue, 03 Mar 2009 00:00:00 +0000

This exciting new development is from Raimon Land, one of Thailand’s most reputable developers.

I last reported on this in September, but the photos from that post seem to have disappeared. So here is a shot of the construction site taken in September 2008:

Property Update - The Waterfront

Tue, 03 Mar 2009 00:00:00 +0000

It’s six months since I reported on the exciting new development near Bali Hai pier, The Waterfront.

So it’s time to see how much progress they have made on construction. Here’s a view, taken today, through the charmingly rustic entrance tarpaulin to the construction site:

Property Update - Tropical Dream

Tue, 03 Mar 2009 00:00:00 +0000

The Tropical Dream has had a very smart sales office for several months; but the construction site has not been so easy to find.

But now a fence has been erected around a previously abandoned site and banners erected to proudly announce that this is where the Tropical Dream will be erected, although it hasn’t quite started yet.

Exciting progress.

Property Update - View Talay Residence 5

Tue, 03 Mar 2009 00:00:00 +0000

Last update on this development was in August of last year, where they promised that the property would be finished by February 2009.

This was how the building looked in August:

Sunday riders

Tue, 03 Mar 2009 00:00:00 +0000

When I was a lad (“did they have electricity then?” queries she who must be obeyed), I was partial to cycling. So much so that I saved up my pocket money for a year or so to buy myself a bike. The need to save was due to my father who was of the opinion that, if I wanted something, I had to buy it myself. At the time this caused me no end of grief and resentment; but in later years, in my role as father or husband, it has been a very useful life experience to quote to others (if you want that insert desirable item you will have to buy it yourself, my father never bought me anything and look what a well balanced chap I am). This ignores the fact that I still resent my father for not lending me 20 pounds to buy my first car.

Anyway, I had to save up the money for a bike; but once I had sufficient funds, my father took it upon himself to escort me to the bike shop to make sure I purchased a staid and safe Hercules. This bike was heavy, with sticking out handlebars, it might even have a bloody basket on the front. It was nothing like the stripped down racer of my dreams.

So, a month or so later, I took my almost new Hercules tank back to the bike shop and swapped it for a scruffy, well-used racer. But it had 531 tubing, the right gears, the right brakes and it was light and fast. I loved that bike and kept it for more than five years. In my prime I could rattle off more than 100 miles (161 kilometres, 344 carrots) in a day.

Nowadays I can manage no more than a few yards before I start rattling. But I was hit by a wave of nostalgia when I met these guys out on the country roads on Sunday.

Permission to stay

Thu, 26 Feb 2009 00:00:00 +0000

If I had to name my most treasured possession, it would be the stamp in my passport that allows my to live in this fine country. Every year I have to renew the stamp and it is always a time of mild tension. Not because I expect to be refused, but because if I fail to provide the correct documents, I could be in for several hours/days of queuing and frustration.

Still scum

Thu, 26 Feb 2009 00:00:00 +0000

Khun Surichart was arrested for a bag snatch and subsequently admitted that he had regularly lured women to a room, had unprotected sex with them and then stolen their possessions. Khun Surichart is HIV positive.

The local media reported that he had posed as a Middle Eastern Prince to lure high society women to his infected bed.

This morning the incensed and incarcerated Khun Surichart filed a complaint with the chief of police. He complained that he had never posed as a prince to attract high society women; and had “only” targeted prostitutes on the beach, as if this somehow made his behaviour more acceptable (which sadly may well be considered to be the case by Thai society).

Aquatic show-offs

Tue, 24 Feb 2009 00:00:00 +0000

For reasons I will not bore you with, I had to make a trip to Bangkok today. Hot, sweaty and loads of traffic; so I was glad to get home around 1600 and decided to take my camera to the club for some fresh air and late afternoon relaxation.

Point a camera at people and they start to show off. First into the frame was Pierre who has the hand drag and the body drag cracked, but had a little more trouble retrieving himself from the head immersion.

Not a dead parrot

Tue, 24 Feb 2009 00:00:00 +0000

Guy taking his pet parrot for a walk on the beach this evening, as you do.

Never trust your chair to a pussy

Sun, 22 Feb 2009 00:00:00 +0000

We have a couple of very comfortable leather armchairs in our living room. We like to sit on them, the cats like to leap onto the back of them while we are sitting on them; arriving in a flurry of outstretched claws and ripped leather. They find this amusing.

We get our revenge by pushing the chair back quickly and launching a pussy across the room. We find this amusing.

So, everyone is amused; the only losers being the chairs which are gradually being shredded.

Nothing worthwhile to point a lens at

Sun, 22 Feb 2009 00:00:00 +0000

After three days of good windsurfing, my back is complaining somewhat, so I decide not to sail today and instead take my camera to the beach. Not a good idea as the windsurfers are all playing out in the bay, and only the occasional kitesurfer does anything interesting, like making a big hole in the sea.

Photography as art

Sun, 22 Feb 2009 00:00:00 +0000

Dinner at the new Central Mall, after which she who must be obeyed indicates her intention to go stationery shopping. From bitter experience I know this will involve at least an hour trailing round stocks of coloured pens while she makes her selection. I dislike this activity because I have no interest in coloured pens, and because some of the stationery aisles have a smell (erasers and wooden rulers) which take me back to my schooldays, enough to make me shudder.

So I leave her to it and head off to the books section to browse titles I have no intention of buying. Then I discover a small book of photographs by Henri Cartier-Bresson, with this image on the cover:

Appearances can be deceiving

Sat, 21 Feb 2009 00:00:00 +0000

A slow day in the office for she who must be obeyed, and she fills in the time by sending me a series of e-mails, some containing disturbing images; like these:

The one hour orgasm

Thu, 19 Feb 2009 00:00:00 +0000

Grand Theft Auto; it's lost and I'm damned

Wed, 18 Feb 2009 00:00:00 +0000

There was only one choice of T-shirt to pull over my gorgeous torso yesterday, and that was my limited edition, highly collectable, oft-admired, Grand Theft Auto IV T-shirt. And the reason for the focused homage was the imminent release of the downloadable content pack for GTA IV, The Lost and The Damned.

By downloadable, I mean I fire up my recently fixed Xbox and spend about $20 worth of Microsoft Live points to buy the pack, which then downloads to my machine. That’s the theory. With release at 0300 SET, I reckoned that any time after 1500 Thai time would show the download as being available, and so it was.

Houston, we have weather

Wed, 18 Feb 2009 00:00:00 +0000

Haven’t had much in the way of weather for the past 2-4 months. Blue skies every day, with only the occasional passing cloud to add some interest, and certainly nothing as vulgar as rain.

But with everything getting extra-dusty, extra-smelly and extra-dry, what we needed was the first downpour of the new year; and today we got it. Whether you were travelling by car, bike or on foot, there was plenty of water to negotiate.

In my Element

Tue, 17 Feb 2009 00:00:00 +0000

Down to the club today with the intention of going sailing, but a lack of wind gave the opportunity to review my sail collection and do some rationalising.

I have had a Neil Pryde V8 sail for at least five years and it has provided great service; wonderful to sail, even if it did have a tendency to break battens and cams on a regular basis. Now it is getting a little tired, it is very heavy, and I decide to donate it to Pierre who is our most dedicated windsurfer, and always a little short of cash. He gets by on enthusiasm and ingenuity and I am sure he will make good use of it.

As a replacement I acquire a spiffy new red Severne Element, or (E)lement² as they describe it in the catalogue, to theoretically highlight that it has two cams.

The curse of the red plates

Tue, 17 Feb 2009 00:00:00 +0000

Back in the old country you could stroll into a garage, buy a car, and drive away with a proper registration plate. In thailand you can do the strolling, buying and driving away things; but attached to your car will be a pair of red licence plates. These are owned by the garage and you will have to drive on them until your own plates are ready, a process that can take months.

Burapa Bike Week 2009

Sun, 15 Feb 2009 00:00:00 +0000

This annual bike gathering attracts thousands of bikers from around Thailand and overseas. Qualifications for attendance include a leather waistcoat with badges, some form of headband, extensive facial hair and anatomical evidence of excessive beer consumption. This guy qualifies:

Even more horses

Sun, 15 Feb 2009 00:00:00 +0000

After Burapa bikes if was off to Polo Escape for the second day of the Thailand Polo League action. By the end of this second day I had accumulated 1,500 photos which will need processing at some point. Meantime, here are a couple that caught my eye as I browsed the uploaded photos:

Shuttered out

Sun, 15 Feb 2009 00:00:00 +0000

Over the last eleven days I have taken in excess of 4,000 photographs at a variety of assignments. When I haven’t been shooting, I’ve been processing, and I have more than 2,000 photos remaining to work through which will take me most of next week.

I need a break. I want to spend a couple of days at the club and paddle SUPs or windsurf. I want to download the new content for Grand Theft Auto 4 and shoot up Liberty City. I want to do anything but press the shutter on a camera or fix the exposure on a photo.

That Valentine's moment

Sat, 14 Feb 2009 00:00:00 +0000

Having presented she who must be obeyed with her non-Valentine’s present of a bottle of perfume, she announced that her perfume collection was now closed for additional offerings due to a lack of storage space. This was a shame because, unknown to her, I had actually bought her two bottles of perfume, one for non-Valentine’s day, and one for the day itself.

Still, the second bottle went down well enough this morning, and space will no doubt be found for storage. I also bought a soppy card within which I wrote stuff which I will not repeat here, but it reflected the fact that while it is no more than averagely difficult to maintain a relationship with someone in the good times; it is when times get tough that you really discover the depth of the bond between you. The way in which she who must be obeyed gave me unstinting love and support during some difficult times after my accident deserves more gratitude than a couple of bottles of perfume can convey; but maybe the words helped.

More horses

Fri, 13 Feb 2009 00:00:00 +0000

The first event in the Thailand Polo League at Polo Escape. Yes, it’s more shots of polo ponies, and if you don’t like it please move along. I like it ‘cos it is fun to photograph and there is always champagne and good food to be had afterwards.

It's been proven

Thu, 12 Feb 2009 00:00:00 +0000

She who must be obeyed shares my opinion that Valentine’s day is nothing more than a shameful marketing exercise and we will not partake of such nonsense. However, I expect that deep down she would like a little gift to mark the occasion, so before going to Bangkok this morning I raided her perfume collection to see what was popular (i.e. on the shelf but not much left).

I then ventured amongst the ladyboys at the cosmetic counters in The Emporium and found a suitable bottle. My salesperson was most insistent I should try some male fragrances and, in spite of my protestations, proceeded to attack me with a variety of foul smelling liquids. When I left the shop I smelled like something you spray in the toilet after a particularly aggressive bowel movement, or maybe I smelled like a particularly aggressive bowel movement. Either way, it was bad.

Works better with a hard drive

Thu, 12 Feb 2009 00:00:00 +0000

Technology is a wonderful thing, when it works. When it doesn’t it is the bastard fiend from the fiery pits of hell; or at the very least an inconvenience.

My recent case of techno-woe was caused by my Xbox which refused to do anything except display the red rings of death. This was closely followed with news from The Son that he had wisely invested his Xmas bonus in a Canon 50D camera; only to have it die on him within a few days. To make matters worse, the camera collapse happened just as the UK had turned itself into a photogenic Hallmark card of snowy wonder; just begging to have a lens (with working camera attached), pointed at it. Bugger.

Babes, bikes and burnouts

Wed, 11 Feb 2009 00:00:00 +0000

A touch of serenity on a Serenity

Mon, 09 Feb 2009 00:00:00 +0000

When I woke up in hospital on the 22nd October with my scalp hanging off my head and my back broken, the first thing I asked was that they contact she who must be obeyed, because she would be worrying about me. The second thing I asked was when would I be able to windsurf again, because I was worrying about how long I would be off the water. About 3-4 months, was the answer, which at the time seemed like an age.

But today is about three and half months since I lay on the hospital slab and, for the first time since then, my body had a chat with me and said it felt it might be OK if I tried windsurfing again. So I did.

My board of choice was a Serenity, not the easiest beast to sail at more than 4 metres in length, not very wide, and a tendency to have do what it pleases, rather than what you want it to do. But it does whizz along even in light winds, and with a bit of a hand from Craig to get the board and rig into the water, I was up and away.

Here’s photo of me on the Serenity taken earlier. About two years earlier.

A day for processing

Sun, 08 Feb 2009 00:00:00 +0000

The day starts well enough; I wake up late and go for the Sunday ritual coffee with she who must be obeyed. Sadly she is carrying a grocery shopping list, so after the coffee I am dragged round a supermarket, never my favourite pastime.

After lunch, she decides she is going to have her hair straightened, a three hour operation, so I settle down to start processing the 1,500 polo photos I have taken over the past three days. Half are junked, ninety percent of the rest are average, but there are a few I am pleased to have taken.

Capturing the 'mallet in the face' moment

Sat, 07 Feb 2009 00:00:00 +0000

If you are to capture special moments in action photography, you obviously have to be in the right place at the right time, and the finger has to depress the shutter when the special moment is happening, and you need a bit of luck.

And I had some luck to capture a moment at polo today when a rather unorthodox manoeuvre was used to distract a player; sticking him in the nose with a mallet. Click on the photo to see the larger version and you can see his nose bending!

Errant horses

Fri, 06 Feb 2009 00:00:00 +0000

Polo is a great sport to photograph, provided the horses come with (camera) shooting distance, and do something interesting while they are in the vicinity, and do not proceed to trample you as an extension of doing something interesting. During the seven minute duration of a chukka, it is entirely possible that nothing resembling action will happen anywhere near where you are standing.

But, when it all comes together, there are some interesting action shots to be had. Not sure if these actually qualify as interesting, but they are the first acceptable shots I have found from those taken today.

Don't fancy yours much

Thu, 05 Feb 2009 00:00:00 +0000

It’s time for the Polo Escape Ladies Competition. Problem is, there are not enough polo playing ladies to make up the three teams required. This is resolved by co-opting some Argentinian gauchos and providing them with balloons.

Dumb things to do with elephants

Wed, 04 Feb 2009 00:00:00 +0000

For reasons that need not trouble you, I was foraging amongst some old photos today, and was reminded of the trip we took to the Golden Triangle nearly a year ago. Apart from a some touristy stuff, the main reason was to photograph elephant polo, a game as silly as it sounds. The objective of the competition appeared to be to drink as much as possible and then charge around a field on an elephant. There was a score, but it appeared to be immaterial.

Give me head, with a side portion of chips

Wed, 04 Feb 2009 00:00:00 +0000

She who must be obeyed has a circle of friends who seem to delight in circulating gory photographs, which she then sends on to me, although I keep telling her I don’t want to see them. Today I got these:

A day in the life

Tue, 03 Feb 2009 00:00:00 +0000

Sorry I have not updated for a few days, I have been busy. For example, Saturday:

0720 - Woke ten minutes before the alarm and just lay there enjoying the moment. I am reliably informed by she who must be obeyed that I am a drooling snoring mess when I am asleep, not an attractive sight at all. She on the other hand, looks lovely in the early morning light. Hard to believe that in ten minutes she will be awake and barking orders. The cats are asleep at the end of the bed, a couple of birds are singing on the balcony, and on rough sea day I can hear the waves crashing on the beach. It is at these times that I remind myself that I am a lucky man and that life could be worse in so many ways.

If it's good enough for Jennifer Aniston

Tue, 03 Feb 2009 00:00:00 +0000

There are two options for losing weight:

Cut off a limb
Burn more calories than you consume.

Given that option 1 is considered not viable by most people, we are left with option 2. Simply put, eat less and exercise more and the weight will come down. But for many people that is far too difficult. We like to eat, we hate to exercise, we get fatter. Well, not me obviously; but other people. She who must be obeyed for example. She has grown horizontally considerably since we first met and she keeps planning to do something about it. This usually involves eating the same amount, and doing the same amount of exercise (i.e. none), but augmented with things which are said to make a difference. Fibre filled pills, protein drinks, gym membership (she was very surprised to find that the latter made no difference at all if you don’t actually go to the gym and do stuff).

Beaten up by midgets

Fri, 30 Jan 2009 00:00:00 +0000

How’s my back doing, I hear you ask (and if I don’t hear you ask, where’s your compassion? This is not just a blog, this is a relationship)? Not so good, but thanks for asking.

Three weeks since the removal of the back brace and my back is hurting as much as it did when the brace first came off, if not more so. This is not good and something must be done. Feels like the damn thing is seized up, which is hardly surprising given it was clamped in one position for three months. But maybe there is something wrong with the bone, maybe a disk is buggered, no end of unpleasant scenarios you can imagine when you don’t have any answers.

End of an era

Fri, 30 Jan 2009 00:00:00 +0000

It was with some surprise that I realised today that it is almost five years since I swapped the life of sitting around in front of a computer in an office, drinking coffee and “earning” obscene amounts of cash, for a life of sitting around in front of a computer in my condo, drinking coffee and receiving obscenely small amounts of cash, laughably called a pension. Of course, the great thing about not working is that I can choose when to sit in front of the computer, or alternatively I can go windsurfing, or play computer games, or take photographs, or pretty much do whatever I want with my life. And I wouldn’t swap that freedom to go back to the sitting in the office crap, even for obscene amounts of cash, plus an obscene bonus.

Screwing the insurance company

Fri, 30 Jan 2009 00:00:00 +0000

She who must be obeyed has decided to change the insurance company for her car. Her current company will not be sad to see her go. She has had two claims in as many years, both resulting from her enthusiastically stuffing her car into the back of another because “there was not enough space to brake in time”, said in such a manner so as to blame the space for not being big enough.

Focus at any expense

Thu, 29 Jan 2009 00:00:00 +0000

If you are prepared to “invest” a couple of thousand dollars on a decent lens for your camera, you might expect that the manufacturer would have invested some time in ensuring that the lens was calibrated to a certain standard. Not so when it comes to Canon (or Nikon). The lens may well be “within acceptable tolerances”, but if it is of the type which provides a depth of field of a couple of millimetres at certain settings, then the acceptable tolerances may not prove to be acceptable. If you are focusing on the beautiful eyes of a beautiful lady, and what you get is blurry eyes and a sharp nose, then you tend to get pissed off; as does the beautiful lady, and you should never upset a beautiful lady.

One solution is to take the camera and lens back to Canon (or Nikon, or whoever) and say “calibrate this my man” (or woman or ladyboy, depending on who is serving you). The other solution, if your camera supports it, is to calibrate the lens with the camera by changing some settings. Very useful feature and one I have employed on all my lenses, none of which were completely accurate.

To carry out the calibration, you need something to focus on, and an indicator which shows the amount of front or back focus. I made such a device myself out of cardboard, paper, and a design from the wide, wide world of web. If I was asked to summarise the overall quality, accuracy and robustness of the device, I would say it was rubbish.

The Global Financial Crisis - Solved!

Thu, 29 Jan 2009 00:00:00 +0000

And the answer? She who must be obeyed has obtained a credit card.

For some weeks she has been collecting brochures and scanning the wide wide world of web for information on credit card offerings. A spreadsheet was constructed showing the aspects of each card. It was not clear whether she was trying to identify the card with the best financial offerings, or the most gullible bank, likely to provide her with a card with which to raid the new Central Mall with little thought to the repayment consequences.

Anatomy of a cunning stunt

Wed, 28 Jan 2009 00:00:00 +0000

Jimmy’s stunt offering for this month involved a container of petrol and a wheelie.

First step was for Graham to pour out a line of petrol and then light it:

Another day at the track

Wed, 28 Jan 2009 00:00:00 +0000

Bike babe, with bikes

Tue, 27 Jan 2009 00:00:00 +0000

Another day at Bira shooting racing bikes, and the photogenic Khun Narin. We do the usual shots with her clambering next to trees:

Taking a bite out of the sun

Mon, 26 Jan 2009 00:00:00 +0000

She who must be obeyed calls me to tell me that there is a partial solar eclipse this afternoon and that under no circumstances must I try and look into the sun.

Looking into the afternoon sun is not something I normally do, but once she had called me to tell me there was an eclipse, and that I shouldn’t look at it; well, I just had to look at it.

With the camera set at the fastest speed and minimum light, and darkening filter on the front, I managed to get a snap of the very partial, and rapidly diminishing, eclipse.

Never trust a computer you can't lift

Sun, 25 Jan 2009 00:00:00 +0000

Today marks the 25th anniversary of the launch of the first Mac computer. Someone has restored a video of Steve Jobs introducing the machine, and given the progress of the last 25 years, it’s amusing to hear the audience going ballistic over a screen showing a low-res game of 3D chess and other rather basic features. The primitive beast even manages to croak a sentence in a Steven Hawking voice, proclaiming “never trust a computer you can’t lift”, hardly a differentiating factor nowadays.

Stuff you can't do in Starbucks

Sun, 25 Jan 2009 00:00:00 +0000

Some time ago I was sitting in Starbucks in Bangkok, coffee in one hand, camera in the other. I saw an interesting arrangements of mugs on a shelf and stood up to take a photo. Immediately, a concerned employee rushed over and told me I could not take photos in the cafe, and pointed out the stickers on the door highlighting “no photos”, “no dogs”, “no food from outside” etc etc. I understand, I said. Sorry, I said. I got the shot anyway, I didn’t say.

Things to do with visitors - part 5

Sun, 25 Jan 2009 00:00:00 +0000

The last evening with our guests and, as has been our custom, we head for a farewell meal at Bruno’s, still my favourite restaurant in Pattaya. The standards have slipped a little however as they failed to recognise me by name, something they normally do even though I only go there once or twice a year.

Never mind, the food is as excellent as always, the Australian oysters being particularly plump and delicious; like kissing the sea, as someone more eloquent than I once observed. A fine meal, rounded off as tradition demands by a “special coffee”, prepared at the table with a total non-observance of safety standards and much spontaneous bursting into flames. Wonderful, and Colin insisted on picking up the tab. Ever magnanimous, I let him.

Full of food, wine and assorted liqueurs, I was all set to head home and slump in a chair, but our designated driver (she who must be obeyed) was having none of it, we were going to karaoke.

Naturally, I sulked. My views on karaoke are well known and I had no desire to sit in a stuffy room while someone murdered a country and western song written by someone who should have been murdered for writing it. But we were dragged into the tenpin bowling alley at The Avenue, wherein there were karaoke rooms.

The chairs were comfortable, the place was clean, the drinks were served and, although they had nothing by the Sex Pistols, they did have some music that fell outside the wanky ballad genre. I found myself, microphone in hand, ripping a brilliant rendition of Boulevard of Broken Dreams by Greenday. I could see people in the bowling alley looking into our room to see if that really was Billy Joe Armstrong singing; or as she who must be obeyed put it “they think someone is being tortured in here.”

The next three hours passed in a blur of off-key buffoonery. I did my buggered back no good at all by failing to hit a correct note in a Coldplay song, but making up for it by hopping round the room in what I considered to be a perfect Chris Martin stagecraft impersonation. But the highlight of the evening was the treatment of the Sonny and Cher classic, “I got you babe”. I got in quickly and claimed the Sonny lyrics, leaving Colin to squeak his way through Cher’s bits as best he could. We were brilliant, a view only slightly optimistically coloured following several gin and tonics, a bottle of wine and those flaming special coffees.

And so a slightly late start to the day this morning. To wake ourselves up we dragged the SUP down to the sea and gave Colin the task of mastering it. There is a lot of Colin and he is somewhat top heavy, so his initial attempts had him more lying than standing on the board.

Things to do with visitors - part 1

Sat, 24 Jan 2009 00:00:00 +0000

The annual visit from Colin and Mary is upon us. Those readers (Jock, Billy and Camberley) who were part of the wildly alcoholic and hedonistic working environment that was the Aberdeen oil industry in the early 1980s, will remember them; and we have stayed in touch over the years. After many years of bleeding the EU funds as a computer consultant in Brussels, Colin is now back in Aberdeen and teaching a new generation of Aberdonians how to, as P.J. O’Rourke would put it, drive fast on drugs while getting your wing-wang squeezed and not spill your drink. Or in short, he is a driving instructor.

They have an annual pilgrimage to Thailand and Australia, and we are always happy when they call in to see us, but finding new places to take them is becoming a struggle. And so it was that we investigated the new floating market on the road south out of Pattaya.

Things to do with visitors - part 2

Sat, 24 Jan 2009 00:00:00 +0000

Just down the road from the floating market is Nong Nuch Tropical Garden, so we go there. I have complained in the past about the volume of concrete and scaffolding that has been thrown up around the park, and the pristine gardens have been further encroached upon by metal walkways and structures, but there are still some gardens and wildlife to enjoy.

Things to do with visitors - part 3

Sat, 24 Jan 2009 00:00:00 +0000

Things to do with visitors - part 4

Sat, 24 Jan 2009 00:00:00 +0000

Two Pattaya Pussies

Wed, 21 Jan 2009 00:00:00 +0000

Well, that title should ensure a healthy jump in search engine hits…..

But to justify the somewhat ambiguous heading, here they are:

33 Centimetres

Tue, 20 Jan 2009 00:00:00 +0000

As one gets older, it can be a challenge to see your toes, let alone be able to touch them. I therefore took it as a sign of reasonable flexibility for an ancient being like myself that I could touch my toes with some ease. Or at least I could, three months ago.

Since my enforced enslavement in the highly restrictive chest brace of doom for eleven weeks, my back muscles have now decided that they don’t want to play the bending game any more and, although I can still see my toes (and, thanks any passing god you fancy, still wiggle them), there is no way I can touch them from a standing position.

Construction lines

Tue, 20 Jan 2009 00:00:00 +0000

Passed a building under construction yesterday, had to go back and point a camera at it today. I really like the lines and shapes, I wonder if it will look so interesting once it is finished.

Intermittent internet

Mon, 19 Jan 2009 00:00:00 +0000

I have an internet service which will run perfectly for weeks and then collapse into a non-functioning mess for days. Just like a woman really.

Sometimes it resolves itself without any input from me, but on occasion I am forced to call the “help desk”.

Yesterday I was greeted with a message that my ADSL was down. I vaguely know what ADSL means, but I have no idea what I can do, if anything, if it goes down. She who must be obeyed was not concerned, in times of no internet, she gives me a withering look and hooks into the unprotected wi-fi service of the guy upstairs. Sadly, my computer, being two metres away from hers, has a problem picking up a signal from the neigbour, so I am stuffed.

Slumdog Millionaire

Mon, 19 Jan 2009 00:00:00 +0000

I had pretty much made up my mind that The Dark Knight should sweep the Oscars and that I would sit in my armchair and sling curses at the obviously corrupt forces behind the Academy who vote on these things if they failed to give Mr. Nolan’s masterpiece the recognition it deserves.

Now I am not so sure, and the reason is the wonderful experience that is Danny Boyle’s Slumdog Millionaire. Mr. Boyle has previously given us the classic Trainspotting, the excellently scary 28 Days After; and we will let him off for The Beach and Sunshine.

Playing with my ball

Sat, 17 Jan 2009 00:00:00 +0000

She who must be obeyed goes through phases of wanting to lose weight/gain fitness. These are all doomed to failure, but I feel I have to be supportive just in case some initiative sticks and she suddenly turns into a super-model.

Last year she came home with an exercise ball. You know the sort of thing, an over-sized and over-priced beach ball upon which you are meant to cavort and thus lose weight and get fit. Like this:

Go Nadz!

Thu, 15 Jan 2009 00:00:00 +0000

With a heading like the above, I feel I need do no more. I can just sit back and bask in the knowledge that it will have brought a smile to at least one face (mine). But I suppose such a heading has to be justified.

There are a number of places in Bangkok where you can find outlets that will sell you gaming consoles and games, but one of the favourites, because of their prices, service and stock, is Nadz Project. If you want to visit their shop, it’s a bit of an adventure. You have to seek out what appears to be a condo block, find the appropriate floor and corridor, where you are even more convinced that you have stumbled into a housing complex; and then suddenly there is a glass door into a little shop stuffed with gaming goodies. I made the pilgrimage to Nadz when I bought my Xbox, but since then I have made use of their mail service.

No gain without pain

Tue, 13 Jan 2009 00:00:00 +0000

This fitness campaign is proving to be about as enjoyable as I thought it was going to be (i.e. not enjoyable at all).

Going to the gym is not too bad, other than the first forty five minutes on the exercise bike.

OK, thirty minutes.

OK, twenty minutes.

But even twenty minutes is a mixture of sweat, boredom and exertion for no obvious benefit than to “warm up the muscles”. What muscles?

Anyway, with that out of the way I am free to range across the various exercise machines, reducing the weights to wimp level and then straining my way through the sets. I actually rather enjoy this part, although I am advised that it will about 6 weeks before anything starts to happen in the way of noticeable muscle growth.

Trawling my way through the wide wide world of web, I have discovered recommendations that you can help muscle growth and the acquisition of bulk by drinking a protein drink after exercising. I can do that, so I head for a stall next to the noisy and aggressively marketed California Wow gym and peruse the bewildering range of products available. I have no idea what I am looking for, and the assistant does not speak any English and probably knows nothing anyway; so I decide to just choose something with strawberry flavouring, at least it will taste acceptable.

“You don’t want to be choosing that” says a voice behind me, and it turns out to be a nice chap called Kevin who knows about these things. One of things he knows is that the Vanilla flavour contains L-Camitine, which could be a poison as far as I am concerned; but Kevin assures me that it is a good thing. Mysteriously, the potentially yummy chocolate and strawberry options are L-Camitine free.

So I leave the stall with 700 grammes of Pro-Flex Whey ++, Vanilla Flavour and am soon mixing up my first shake. Hard to describe what it smells like, but it certainly triggers the gag reflex. Tastes even worse. I try mixing it with chocolate milk but that somehow compounds the awfulness. Must be the L-Camitine. Once I have vomited my way through this pack, I am moving to the Strawberry flavour.

The wide wide world of web also tells me that I should not go to the gym every day, so I alternate days with swimming. This should be a pleasant enough activity, except the water is fucking freezing. The north east monsoon whips across our condo pool and keeps the temperature at freezing point.

OK, 5 degrees

OK, 15 degrees

But it still feels bloody cold. There is that moment where the water climbs above your waist and everything below the waist shrivels and dies. Then you have to brace yourself before submerging the rest of the body. Once you get swimming it is OK, but those first few seconds suck.

Of course, I am a wimp; not at all like this mad man with an axe:

Making merit

Sun, 11 Jan 2009 00:00:00 +0000

As I finally appear to be on the mend following my accident, which could just as easily have left me dead or crippled, she who must be obeyed decides I must give thanks by “making merit.” This can take many forms, and I am advised that a trip to a give stuff to monks will be required at some point in the future, but today we are going to help buy a coffin for those who can’t afford them. Seems like a noble act to me, so off we go.

The Sawang Boriboon Rescue service is a voluntary rescue service that whizzes around Pattaya helping out the official rescue services. They monitor the emergency frequencies and then roll up with their pickup trucks and transport the injured to hospital, or the morgue. Although you may not wish to be slung in the back of a pickup truck and bounced all the way to a hospital, sometimes it may be better than waiting for something more comfortable to turn up.

They had not been involved in my accident, but their base is in the grounds of a temple where you can go to make merit by making donations to a selection of good causes. She who must be obeyed decided we would donate some money to the people who provide coffins to unfortunates who die with no money and therefore cannot afford a coffin. So we queue at a counter with other people making similar offerings, hand over the standard 250 baht offering and are given a yellow receipt and a detailed list of instructions:

An tidal wave of bullshit

Sat, 10 Jan 2009 00:00:00 +0000

As the rest of the world’s economies judder to a halt, Thailand is trying hard to pretend that nothing is happening. Nowhere is the self-delusion more evident than in the Pattaya housing market.

Visitors are down, exchange rates against the baht are a joke, the country has soured its image of the land of smiles by being the land of squabbling political gangs and airport occupations; and yet there are an increasing number of developers who seem convinced that we all want to buy property here.

Over the past couple of months there has been a dramatic rise in parcels of land being cleared to give the illusion that another quality development is about to start. In most cases, it just means that someone has scraped up enough cash to print some brochures and get his brother-in-law to bring his digger round to move some soil. Then if the budding entrepreneur can convince sufficient ~~mugs~~ investors to sign a contract, he might start to build something, thereby hopefully attracting more flies to the honeypot. At some point in the process the developer will abscond with all the cash and start the whole process again by clearing another piece of land.

There are already a number of partially completed structures with a suspiciously small amount of workers (i.e. none), but this does not seem to deter new developments. Apart from a cleared piece of land and some brochures, you need to festoon the local roads with signs.

Diversion please fall velocity

Thu, 08 Jan 2009 00:00:00 +0000

It’s been at least a year since they started digging up Theppraya Road in order to widen it. Six months ago I reported some progress and highlighted shops which had lost their road frontage.

Finally, they have completed one lane of the road, and built an adjoining footpath. But the elevated shops have not progressed beyond simple wooden stairs; indeed a couple of shops have given up on even that.

Girl on fence

Thu, 08 Jan 2009 00:00:00 +0000

Self-inflicted pain

Thu, 08 Jan 2009 00:00:00 +0000

I am of the opinion that when men get to a certain age, they should not expose their upper body in public. There is nothing worse than an age and beer ravaged pensioner brushing people aside with his sweaty, flabby, exposed stomach. The precise age at which men should cover up varies; by sixty definitely, and for some, much earlier. In my case, it was twelve.

It was around this time that I became aware that evolution had not provided me with a body that anyone would ever describe as a hunk. I took the pragmatic decision that I should keep the sight of my total lack of pecs, abs and other muscle groups to myself; and from that time I have managed to keep my body as a sacred temple, visited only by myself (and selected ladies of course, all of whom suffered from a form of emotional myopia).

Coming back to life

Tue, 06 Jan 2009 00:00:00 +0000

Those who have been sufficiently bored to read these pages on a regular basis will be aware that I nearly managed to self destruct last year by rolling my car across a highway.

A broken back was the result and I have spent the last eleven weeks (actually 10 weeks, 5 days, 8 hours) wearing a brace which was designed to stop my spine collapsing into a puddle of bits. This was obviously a necessary evil, but it was evil. Looking something like the basis of a medieval torture device, it was hell to sleep on, uncomfortable to wear during the day, highly restrictive in terms of body movement; and I looked like a dick.

The first day of the rest of my life. Deferred.

Tue, 06 Jan 2009 00:00:00 +0000

Anything by the Sex Pistols

Mon, 05 Jan 2009 00:00:00 +0000

I have to attend a wedding. This is not good news. Over the past few months I have managed to avoid accompanying she who must be obeyed to two funerals and a wedding using excuses such as “I don’t do funerals” and “my back hurts”.

This time it is harder to avoid. The bride is a cousin of my wife, the groom is a dangerously young Mexican boy who, suffused with love, somehow managed to find his way into Thailand when the airports were closed. They stayed with us for a few days and so it was hard to escape the inevitable wedding invitation.

The wedding is to take place at the family home in Ubon Ratchathani, the same location as our wedding a couple of years ago. I carefully pick an airline that will deliver us to Ubon late in the evening of the day before the wedding, and evacuate us to freedom early in the morning of the day after. She who must be obeyed seems to share my lack of enthusiasm for the venture as she suggests we rent a car so we can escape from the family whenever possible.

The wedding day starts badly at around 0500 (any day that starts before 0800 is a bad day) . As I am unable to leap around taking wedding photos (the bad back excuse is really useful sometimes), she who must be obeyed has volunteered herself as wedding photographer; and decides that she must take photos of the make-up session that starts somewhere around 0400, and goes on for nearly three hours.

Lick my love pump

Mon, 05 Jan 2009 00:00:00 +0000

Some readers have expressed incredulity as to the existence of a piece of music entitled “Lick my love pump” as mentioned in the previous posting. **

If you have not enjoyed the endlessly amusing piss-take of the music industry that is the movie “Spinal Tap”, then at least you should be exposed to the magnificent opus that is “Lick my love pump”.

** Actually, I just want “lick my love pump” as a posting title so I can see what search terms people use to inadvertently stumble upon this site.

Too many fireworks

Mon, 05 Jan 2009 00:00:00 +0000

Off to Bangkok for the new year and we stay in the Shangri-La which is right on the river and will be a good base to watch the firework displays on New Year’s Eve. We meet up with Tic and have dinner at Tony Roma’s on Sukhumvit where Tic and I used to consume large quantities of beer and ribs and discuss our equally chaotic love lives, back in the pre-she who must be obeyed days.

Then we head for the bar at the top of the Millennium Hilton where she who must be obeyed has her first (and probably last, given the look on her face) Martini. Great views of the river.

Suspension of service

Sat, 27 Dec 2008 00:00:00 +0000

Off to a wedding in the north of the country tomorrow and then three nights in a very smart hotel in Bangkok to relax with she who must be obeyed and watch the fireworks on the river for New Year.

No camera, no computer, no postings. Byeee, see you in 2009.

Comments 🔗

2009-05-22 | grartyGax says

Админ я не могу зарегестрироваться может я просто не то делаю ?

2009-05-23 | Billy says

Broken toys

Thu, 25 Dec 2008 00:00:00 +0000

When I was a young lad my parents bought me a Scalextric set for Xmas. I was pleased, and so was my father, and we spent the morning playing with it. More precisely, we spent around 45 minutes of the morning playing with it before one car started smoking and both controllers failed. Rather took the shine off Xmas; but it was better than the bloody cardigan my aunt sent me.

It’s the same every year, millions of electronic gadgets are thrust into eager, grabbing hands on Xmas morning; and a fair percentage of them are junk before lunchtime. After the holidays there is a rush to the shops and service centres to complain that little Timmy’s toy should not have stopped bleeping, and Uncle Marty only spilled a small amount of cheap sherry into the workings.

It was with this in mind that I decided to take some photographic gear to Canon in Bangkok today, before they are swamped with the inevitable boxes of buggered gear that are given as presents for New Year.

First, a cultural note. Thais do not celebrate Xmas. It is not a public holiday. Of course this has not stopped the fake snow, the cardboard sleigh and reindeer, the bloody awful songs, and all the other commercial trappings; but this has been morphed into linking with New Year when Thais do give each other presents (even though the real Thai new year is in April). After several years of working on Xmas day, I have rather given up on the whole occasion. And with she who must be obeyed in the office today, it seemed as good a day as any to venture to the Canon service centre in Bangkok.

The reason for my trip was to present them with the camera gear that had been in my car on the day it barrel-rolled down the highway. One lens had since refused to produce sharp images, and the other had produced photos that looked like this:

Drunk Santa

Thu, 25 Dec 2008 00:00:00 +0000

Festive bubbles and flames

Wed, 24 Dec 2008 00:00:00 +0000

So what stunt could Jimmy do for Xmas?

Dressing up as Father Christmas is just too damn obvious. Motorising a Christmas tree was too much of a challenge. Draping the bike in fairy lights was too gay.

So the obvious solution was to soak the back tyre and surrounding area in petrol, light it, and then spin the wheel. Very festive, if you were celebrating the anniversary of fire worshippers.

Luckily, yours truly came to the rescue. We had been walking past Toys R’ Us and they were demonstrating a bubble machine which looked cool and we were sure would delight the cats. It didn’t, they were terrified. So I took it down to the track in search of problem needing a solution, and voilà, a festive scene featuring a slightly mad Jimmy, a bike that is almost on fire, an out of control petrol fire; and bubbles!!

Taking a babe for a ride

Wed, 24 Dec 2008 00:00:00 +0000

More babe and bikes

Tue, 23 Dec 2008 00:00:00 +0000

Back to the bikes and babes

Mon, 22 Dec 2008 00:00:00 +0000

Whore behind the happiness

Mon, 22 Dec 2008 00:00:00 +0000

An unfortunate combination of grammar and punctuation provides this Thai magazine with an eye-catching front cover:

Karaoke Krap

Sat, 20 Dec 2008 00:00:00 +0000

In a previous life I worked and ~~lived~~ existed in Brunei; possibly the most boring country on the planet. There is little to do, unless you make your own entertainment. So I windsurfed and biked and formed PALMS (Panaga Awfully Loud Music Society).

Panaga was where we lived, a camp of sorts with reasonable housing close to the beach. The official justification for PALMS was that it was a select gathering of individuals who would meet on a regular basis to play and discuss good music. “Good” in this instance was anything that me and my co-founder Rene considered acceptable. The real reason for PALMS was an excuse to throw a nominated wife out of the house for the evening, drink too much beer and junk food, and discuss the attractive women in the office. We played music too of course, taking it in turns to play a track, at ever increasing volumes as the evening grew longer and the beer supplies grew shorter. At the end of each offering there would cries of “good choice brother” or “load of bollocks”; the level of critique was indeed impressive.

Balls on the beach

Fri, 19 Dec 2008 00:00:00 +0000

HSBC wanky banky bastards

Fri, 19 Dec 2008 00:00:00 +0000

I receive a call from the HSBC credit card centre in Bangkok, wanting to confirm a transaction. The last time I had received such a call was when I lashed out more than 140,000 baht on my camera. The store clerk keyed in my card number, and seconds later the credit card centre was on the phone asking if I really wanted to do this. “Of course I do, I have been waiting a year for this camera to be released, ten frames a second etc”, was probably not the answer they were looking for; but I was impressed that they had checked, given it was such a substantial amount.

But this time there had been no such transaction. There had been an inevitable handbag for she who must be obeyed (passes through the credit card and she pays me back through convoluted transactions which would count as money laundering in several countries); but nothing very recent and nothing substantial; what could it be? So I asked.

What is the transaction you wish to check?

It’s from the Apple iTunes store, sir

At this point, I worried. I spend the occasional couple of dollars on iPhone applications in the iTunes store. Perhaps someone had hacked my account and purchased the complete works of Barry Manilow for thousands of dollars. Oh, the shame of it.

And how much is the transaction?

$1.99, sir

You are calling me to confirm a transaction for $1.99?

Yes sir

Why?

For your security sir sigh

But at least I can buy stuff from the iTunes store and The Shitty Handbag Shop, because they don’t use the Master Card Secure Code check which used to work occasionally and now fails to work at all. As I found out this morning.

My son and I are not the best at timekeeping when it comes to presents. Having recently met to exchange birthday gifts, we have both been basking in the euphoric glow of giving, without realising that bloody Xmas is nearly upon us. Having pretty much resigned myself to “sending something in the new year”, I decided this morning to fall back on an old, boring standard, the Xmas hamper.

Onto my usual site and chose a rather nice basket with wine (for Harry), cheese (for Jackie) and a selection on indulgent goodies which they would both enjoy. Excellent. Now to check out, fill in my credit card number, click purchase, and, oh shit, off we go the the stupid Master Card Secure Code check which helpfully tells me I have failed to authenticate my identity, without actually giving me the opportunity to do so.

Yet another Windows error

Fri, 19 Dec 2008 00:00:00 +0000

Sent by she who must be obeyed, the grammar and the focus on beauty indicates that this one has Thai origins. I have no idea what it means, she thinks it exceedingly witty. It’s the culture gap again.

Henry Poole is crap

Tue, 16 Dec 2008 00:00:00 +0000

She who must be obeyed went on a trip last week, accompanying her friend who was visiting her mother who was dying of cancer.

Very noble of my wife to go along to support her friend; and I had visions of her sat quietly in the hospital, holding hands with the infirm and weeping quietly. Instead I received an SMS containing a list of movies that she urgently required me to download. Blame the Thai Airlines in-flight magazine, I discovered later, which prints insipid reviews of insipid movies with extensive use of phrases such as “heart warming” and “suitable for all ages”. Such movies usually go straight to DVD and/or The Hallmark Channel. Here’s some facts about the Hallmark Channel:

In praise of the Caterham S500

Tue, 16 Dec 2008 00:00:00 +0000

In a recent post I made reference to my first car, a Lotus 7. This started me off on an orgy of nostalgia and I plundered YouTube for wild and wonderful Lotus 7 videos.

And then the Top Gear programme had a feature on the latest evolution of the 7, the Caterham S500. Close to the fastest car they had ever had round their test track, it was dismissed as being just too extreme; but then they changed their minds in this week’s episode and named the Caterham S500 as the car of the year. And quite right too. Check out this extract from Top Gear, this is how a car should be driven, although maybe not down Sukhumvit Road in Pattaya:

Another lost day

Mon, 15 Dec 2008 00:00:00 +0000

Good wind yesterday, another day when I should have been out on the water; and wasn’t. Just took a few shots (but straight into the sun and a lot of glare off the sea), and wished it was me out there.

Meet the new boss, same as the old boss

Mon, 15 Dec 2008 00:00:00 +0000

Thailand has a new prime minister, the 27th person to hold the position.

The country has been suffering weeks of disruptive protests, aimed at bringing down the “corrupt” government with links to the demonised Thaksin. The Democrats have now managed to form a majority in parliament by offering cash and juicy ministerial positions to groups that were once loyal to Thaksin. One report said:

*A Thai language newspaper reported that large sums of money were being offered to the defectors. The price for parliamentarians has gone up to ‘’40 million baht (1.2 million US dollars) per person’’ to join the Democrat coalition, revealed the ‘Matichon’.

More horse power

Sun, 14 Dec 2008 00:00:00 +0000

Lethargy strikes

Fri, 12 Dec 2008 00:00:00 +0000

You may have noticed that this site has not been updated much over the past few weeks. This is because I have little interest in writing anything.

But please don’t take this personally. I also have very little interest in anything else, apart from sleeping.

Before my accident I led a reasonably active life. I could rush around taking photos all day, I could windsurf for hours, without feeling the need to crawl into a quiet hole and take a doze. Nowadays, half an hour with the camera is enough to have me heading to bed for a comprehensive lie-down afterwards; and even if I were allowed to, I am sure I do not have the energy to windsurf.

Living the Tropical Dream

Fri, 12 Dec 2008 00:00:00 +0000

Fending off Grannie

Tue, 09 Dec 2008 00:00:00 +0000

Grannie’s visit is coming to an end and I have been successful in defending my access to the television; helped considerably by the corrosive power of rust and the incompetence of the local cable TV provider.

Apart from eating, sleeping and yelling down the phone, Grannie has a liking for Thai TV, specifically the awful soaps which feature incompetent actors screaming at each other. I realised that, once she had established a base in front of the TV, there would be no dislodging her, and my daily routine of Xbox based games playing and downloaded content watching would be totally screwed.

Jetskis - spawn of the devil?

Sun, 07 Dec 2008 00:00:00 +0000

How not to get away with murder and theft

Fri, 05 Dec 2008 00:00:00 +0000

My regular reader will be familiar with photos of racing bikes, taken at Bira circuit during the Highside Tours track days.

A couple of days ago, someone entered the circuit at night and stole three racing bikes. Unpleasant, but as nothing compared to the fact that they tied up the night guard and then beat him over the head with something heavy until they had killed him. Very, very nasty, and yet another example that some people are prepared to kill to get what they want.

A manual for morons

Thu, 04 Dec 2008 00:00:00 +0000

When you buy a Mac, you get the machine and a very small cardboard container in which you will find a recovery disk and a couple of stickers. No manual; the inference being that if you are smart enough to buy a Mac, you are smart enough to learn how to use it. The other inference might be that Apple are tight bastards who are just saving costs, and you will have to spend your own money to go out and buy a 893 page guide to the operating system. At least, that is what someone I know did.

But when it comes to a truck, how much guidance do you actually need? A single piece of paper taped to the driver’s door with the instruction “get in, insert and turn key, drive it” is probably overkill. But Mitsubishi have seen fit to produce a 360 page tome to explain the workings of their essentially simple machine.

There is an entire page dedicated to the use of the horn. There is a picture of the steering wheel, with an arrow pointing to the horn symbol in the middle. Then the instructions; “Pressing the horn mark on the steering wheel causes the horn to sound.” No shit, Einstein, and there I was punching the interior light switch (which gets two pages of explanation).

Next there is some advice on the airbags. There are several pages of warnings and cautions regarding these apparently potentially lethal devices, culminating with a graphic showing that you should not put a mug of hot tea on top of the passenger side airbag.

Who are you calling a pig?

Tue, 02 Dec 2008 00:00:00 +0000

She who must be obeyed is getting a bit of beating from her relatives at the moment. Fresh from recent abuse from her mother, her visiting grandmother gave her a hard time today.

Grannie sat my wife down at the table, looked her straight in the eyes and told her she must not call her husband a pig.

And I agree, she should not call me a pig; although I have never heard such abuse from her. The worst I get is “gwanteen” which means annoying, and I will admit I do get a degree of pleasure from annoying her on occasions (at least daily), in an entirely loving way you understand.

Get your Grannie on a SUP

Mon, 01 Dec 2008 00:00:00 +0000

She who must be obeyed has her grandmother staying for a few days. She is not the most active of ladies. She appears from her bedroom, prepares her food (on the floor, not at all impressed with farang-style kitchens), eats large quantities and then retires to either sleep or yell down the phone at her friends. Her lifestyle could be described as “mainly inert”.

So it was quite a shock yesterday when she accompanied the SUP to the beach, and then declared she wanted to have a go. And away she went, paddling like a veteran.

Put on a happy face

Mon, 01 Dec 2008 00:00:00 +0000

Soft, strong and totally absorbent

Mon, 01 Dec 2008 00:00:00 +0000

Receive a mail from a man called Jan who is concerned about my safety. He suggests I should carry a rolled-up copy of The Telegraph under my right arm so that I can be spotted in any TV news reports.

With a name like Jan, it is entirely possible he is actually referring to De Telegraaf, which I am sure is a very fine Dutch newspaper. But the UK offering, The Telegraph, is a right-wing rag. Blackadder would remark that it was soft, strong and totally absorbent, ideal for wiping your bum on, but little else.

A lack of balloons

Sun, 30 Nov 2008 00:00:00 +0000

One of those good to be alive days

Sun, 30 Nov 2008 00:00:00 +0000

March of the muppets

Thu, 27 Nov 2008 00:00:00 +0000

Once upon a time, in a land not too far away, there was a man called Thaksin. He was a successful businessman, he formed a political party, and became prime minister.

Traditionally, Thailand had been run by politicians who did nothing for the poor people, they were far too busy giving jobs to their friends and lining their pockets. Thaksin was also an expert in cronyism and pocket lining, but he also, for the first time in Thai political history, implemented schemes to help the rural poor, and they loved him for it.

A meeting with a good man

Wed, 26 Nov 2008 00:00:00 +0000

Finally manage to arrange a meeting with the man who picked me up off the side of the road on the night of my accident and carried me to hospital. I wanted to meet him personally and thank him.

He turned out to be a friendly guy with a big smile. I thanked him for his rescue and apologised for any blood I may have left behind. He confirmed that I had bled copiously over his back seat, as if it were no more inconvenience than a dropped sweet wrapper. He also told me that I had spent the trip asking him where we were going, in a pretty impressive Thai accent apparently. This was a revelation, because normally my Thai is crap. I will get she who must be obeyed to knock me over the head next time I want to hold a conversation in the language of my adopted country.

Ocean 1 is dead

Mon, 24 Nov 2008 00:00:00 +0000

It’s three month since I last reported on the remarkable progress on the construction of Ocean 1, the planned 91 floor super-tower that would be a solid investment, a dream place to live, a landmark building in Thailand blah blah blah.

Since that time, there has been bugger all construction, and bugger all news from the developer. It is now clear that the project is dead, and has been for some time. Don’t blame this on the global financial meltdown credit crunch banking wanking crisis, blame it on a developer who failed to manage their ongoing projects, and failed to manage this one.

Pattaya Downtown

Mon, 24 Nov 2008 00:00:00 +0000

Buffalo racing

Sat, 22 Nov 2008 00:00:00 +0000

Longboat racing

Sat, 22 Nov 2008 00:00:00 +0000

Slipknot dick chop

Sat, 22 Nov 2008 00:00:00 +0000

Those very clever people from Google have “upgraded” the Google search application for the iPhone. No longer are you restricted to typing in your query on the iPhone keyboard (somewhat of a challenge); now you can speak your search terms and Google will interpret them.

A couple of problems with this. First of all there is the problem of yelling your search terms into your phone in a public place. You may be comfortable with typing “Norwegian nympho nurses” using the keyboard (and if you are, you are one sick individual; everyone knows that Danish nympho nurses are best); but shouting out the phrase in a public place may get you some looks.

Chukka time

Thu, 20 Nov 2008 00:00:00 +0000

It’s the polo season again. Normally I would be standing in front of the goal, snapping the approaching riders, ready to take evading action if several horses arrive right in front of my camera. But given my current frail condition, this would not be wise behaviour, so someone else is assigned to take the “in your face” action shots.

Instead I take up residence on the sidelines where I am furnished with an excellent cappuccino, and relax to enjoy the action, while catching a few shots as the polo ponies go thundering past.

Crazy sport. It may have a reputation as being a plaything for the upper classes, but anyone who takes part is committing themselves to an athletic and dangerous pastime. Respect.

A handover of papers

Wed, 19 Nov 2008 00:00:00 +0000

The receipt of an insurance cheque moves one step closer following a meeting yesterday. The insurance company head office sends me a list of documents that they require me to hand over. I gather them together and agree to meet the company representative at the office of she who must be obeyed, on the grounds that it easier to find than my condo. Amazingly the representative arrives almost on time, a sure sign that cock-ups are ahead.

In praise of Roger Crowley

Wed, 19 Nov 2008 00:00:00 +0000

I don’t need any more books. I already have a couple of shelves of dusty tomes that I have bought over the years and never got round to reading. Even when, theoretically, I have more time; I still don’t spend enough of it reading to catch up on the backlog.

But the designers of the Amazon website are sneaky bastards. Whenever I visit, even for just a casual browse, they always manage to offer me something that looks interesting. And most recently that was a book by Roger Crowley entitled “Empires of the Sea”, the story of the Christian/Muslim battles for control of the Mediterranean between 1521 and 1580. Doesn’t that sound exciting…?

Car confirmed dead, cash expected

Mon, 17 Nov 2008 00:00:00 +0000

It’s been nearly a month since me and my car went exploring areas other than tarmac. Although I was a little bashed up, my car came off considerably worse, as the photos below show:

Forty shit music days to Christmas

Sun, 16 Nov 2008 00:00:00 +0000

I should have spotted the warnings yesterday evening. A trip to a local mall and a gang of youths outside were erecting a series of scruffy plastic Xmas trees, complete with flashing lights, static lights, lights that also played music and, most prevalent, lights that failed to do anything within five minutes of being switched on.

So it should not have come as a surprise this morning when she who must be obeyed dragged me out for a coffee (her treat on a Sunday), to find that the piped music featured ancient crooners croaking the delights of log fires, sleigh bells and a boy child slumming it in an inn while creepy old “wise” men fell over obstacles whilst trying to follow a star that was not actually moving. Yes, it Xmas music time again.

My mother-in-law loves me

Sat, 15 Nov 2008 00:00:00 +0000

It’s been a tough three weeks for she who must be obeyed.

Spending half her life at work, and then coming home and tending to my every whim as I played (and secretly enjoyed) the role of a sick man who needed constant attention, has resulted in a very tired lady.

But yesterday I felt confident enough with my sense of balance to shower and dress myself, was able to walk out at lunchtimes and find some food, and even drove the car for a while. My independence is returning which takes the load off my wife and I could see her starting to relax a little.

Comforting words from my source of funds

Thu, 13 Nov 2008 00:00:00 +0000

Receive a letter from the company responsible for providing me with my pension.

The receipt of such a letter requires some clarification for the dear readers of this mighty organ. Clearly I am too young, too vibrant and, let’s be honest, too damn good looking to be of pensionable age. However, some years ago my employer wanted me to do a particular job for them which involved selling the company for which I was currently working. They seemed pretty keen that I do this job and were therefore willing to let me name my terms as to what would happen after it was finished. My response was immediate and included words such a redundancy, early retirement, golden handshake and pension. And so it came to pass that I was cast out upon the streets of Bangkok; a jobless pensioner with a smile on his face and a payoff in his pocket. Lovely.

Loy Krathong

Thu, 13 Nov 2008 00:00:00 +0000

As you all know, yesterday was the full moon in the 12th month of the Thai lunar calendar, which means it was Loy Krathong.

A krathong is a small floating object, usually decorated with flowers and holding a candle and some incense sticks.

The day the world changed. Apparently.

Tue, 11 Nov 2008 00:00:00 +0000

It certainly was a momentous moment. The realisation of a dream. The day the world changed, if just a little. Could a black man (sorry, a man of colour) really win in an arena which had previously been a white domain? What’s more, this was not a story of privilege, it was the story of a man from a humble background whose family had recognised that he was someone special and had worked together to help him realise his potential over many years.

On the fateful day, we watched our televisions with bated breath, the outcome uncertain until the end. But he did it!

The time has come

Tue, 11 Nov 2008 00:00:00 +0000

Not surprisingly, one of the first things I noticed when I first moved to Asia some twenty years ago was that it was hot (I am a most perceptive man). But what was surprising (to me) is that it stayed hot all night. Midnight in Kuala Lumpur was not noticeably different from midday in terms of temperatures. And it was the same when I moved to Sarawak and then Brunei, twenty four hours of hotness.

But when I moved to Bangkok I found that Thailand has a winter, and an exceedingly pleasant winter it is too. From approximately December to February, the winds come down from China, bringing cooler air and blue skies. Had to drag a sweater out of the drawer in Bangkok, and if you headed to the north of the country you would need a warm coat for the near-zero temperatures. Pattaya is less cool, but we do get the north east monsoon winds, and they are great for windsurfing.

And over the last few days the monsoon winds seem to have arrived. This morning the Thai windsurfing team was whizzing out in the bay in front of my condo.

A fine from the fine Royal Thai Police

Mon, 10 Nov 2008 00:00:00 +0000

An outstanding action from my accident was a visit to the highway police to pay a fine for having an accident. I am not entirely sure of the principle, but if you are presumptuous enough to litter the highway with the remains of yourself and your car, you inevitably consume some police time, and as a form of compensation you are required to pay a fine. Presumably, if you are blind drunk and involve others in your accident, the fine may be a little higher. But as I had been courteous enough to write off my car as a solo exercise, my fine was at the bottom of the scale.

I had another reason to visit the highway police headquarters.

Bungee time again

Sun, 09 Nov 2008 00:00:00 +0000

Although the monsoon winds are on their way, they are not quite here yet; so what were a bunch of frustrated windsurfers to do on an almost windless Sunday afternoon? Get out the bungee of course!

Regular readers (both of them) will remember the lunatic bungee session a few weeks ago.

Well, the bungee was out again today, and people were flying along on a flat sea.

Actually, the video above does not fly when I preview it; but trust me, it’s fast.

As well as launching the bungee board:

Coming out of the void

Sun, 09 Nov 2008 00:00:00 +0000

Well, that was a fun couple of weeks. Back from hospital and into a daily routine that reflected an existence rather than a life.

A morning shower with she who must be obeyed, with me in charge of the top half, and her covering the lower regions. Not as much fun as it sounds because the restraining frame I have to wear is obviously removed for showering purposes, and we both spend the time in the shower booth fretting as to whether I will slip and permanently screw my back.

A time for thanks

Tue, 04 Nov 2008 00:00:00 +0000

When misfortune strikes, good things can happen too. I have experienced much kindness over the past couple of weeks, and thanks are in order.

To whoever dragged me out of my car.

To the police who attended the scene, took my wallet and phone from my pocket, and then kept them safe to give to my wife later. They keep ringing up reminding me that I have to pay a 400 baht fine for having a crash (this is a standard fine apparently!). I look forward to thanking them in person.

Insurance, giraffes and the Balinese Goddess of Plenty

Mon, 03 Nov 2008 00:00:00 +0000

If you have a car in Thailand, it has to have a minimum of third party insurance, via an insurance scheme which is, I believe, run by the government. This will cost you around 800 baht and provides a degree of cover should you ever injure other people. It will also, provide a contribution of 15,000 baht to your medical costs, a fact I was unaware of because I never planned on being injured…..

Getting high on number six

Sat, 01 Nov 2008 00:00:00 +0000

Following years of careful research, Bangkok Pattaya hospital has developed a scientific approach to pain level evaluation. Patients are shown a white card with eight cartoon faces drawn upon it. The first face is a smiley, happy offering with clearly not a care in the world. Face number eight is a weeping, pain-wracked wreck, representing someone who appears to have just lost a limb without the benefit of anesthetic. In between are six faces showing varying levels of pain. Patients are shown the card and asked to choose which face represents their level of pain. Appropriate painkillers are then administered.

The varying challenges of pee pee and poo poo

Fri, 31 Oct 2008 00:00:00 +0000

There is a character in Catch 22 who lies in the field hospital, bandaged from head to foot, with a drip feed bag going into his body and a drain out of his body emptying into another bag. When the feed bag is empty and the waste bag is full, an orderly swaps the two bags.

Perhaps fortunately, I was not provided with a closed-loop system. A bag of fluid drained into my arm, and when it was empty they loaded a new one. There appeared to be no variety in this type of food supply. I did ask the nurse if they offered smokey bacon flavoured drip feed, but it appeared to be off the menu.

Party time in the ICU

Thu, 30 Oct 2008 00:00:00 +0000

Never been in an intensive care unit, but I imagined them to be quiet, clinical places with blinking lights, sober-faced doctors with clip boards and an atmosphere of professional intensity. Not in Thailand.

A central area contains a fluxing morass of personnel who appear to be indulging in a continual party involving the extensive use of handphones and much giggling. Radiating around the central area are the ICU rooms, where those who need intensive care, including me apparently, attempt to rest. Not easy.

Therapy Nazis

Thu, 30 Oct 2008 00:00:00 +0000

First day out of ICU and I am introduced to a device that is to be my torturer and mobility saver for the next couple of months. An alloy bar with pad designed to press against the middle of my chest, exactly where my chest has been turned to blue-black mush and is most tender, another bar to do the same at the bottom of my torso, and a strap round the back which must be tightened so that I cannot possibly bend my spine in a forward direction. Necessary, but bloody uncomfortable.

One of those life-changing moments

Mon, 27 Oct 2008 00:00:00 +0000

Off to BKK to collect my repaired lens from Canon. Lunch at the Emporium and then headed for home, thinking of my plans to clean all my camera gear tomorrow. It’s wet, very wet, and there is a lot of traffic. Taking it east and trying to keep a gap to the car in front; and then …….. Nothing.

I have a passport in my hand and my camera bag and I am going somewhere…..Nothing.

Car for sale

Sun, 26 Oct 2008 00:00:00 +0000

One usually careful owner, never raced or rallied, minor scratches and traces of blood on the upholstery.

No reasonable offer refused.

Comments 🔗

2008-10-26 | The Ghost says

Was a nice car. Glad I rode in it before the crash. Not really interested now.

2008-10-26 | Billy says

Oh fuck ……… just as well that your new best friend is the insurance man then….

2008-10-27 | Moonman says

You’re a lucky man coming out of that with only 20 stiches to your noggin’ and a cracked vertebre. It could have been much worse!

Spoke too soon

Wed, 22 Oct 2008 00:00:00 +0000

Having waxed lyrical last week as to my accident free life on the road, I managed to wrestle with a large puddle this afternoon, lose the contest and proceeded to roll the car several times to the detriment of the car and me. At least that is what I am told happened, cos I woke up in hospital with no recollection of events. She who must obeyed, and her friend, have been wonderful, and the man from the insurance company is my new best mate. I have 20 stitches in my head which has really fucked up my hairstyle, aching ribs, and a cracked vertebrae which will ages to heal and screw up my winter windsurfing. Likely I will be here for a week. Right now I am in ICU to make sure my head is ok, tomorrow I hope for a room with wifi, watch out for the car crash shots!

Bad storm rising

Tue, 21 Oct 2008 00:00:00 +0000

Rain almost every day. Today the storms came from the land and washed across the optimistic building sites on the north side of Pattaya bay.

I'm scared

Tue, 21 Oct 2008 00:00:00 +0000

“Are you scared of dying”?

One of the joys of living with she who must be obeyed is the certainty that she will launch into unexpected topics of conversation at the most unlikely venues. It’s hard to discuss the meaning of life when shopping for vegetables; and in this case, hard to discuss the fear factor involved with dying when you are trying to park the car in a space designed for a Tonka truck in an underground car park.

Lightning strike

Mon, 20 Oct 2008 00:00:00 +0000

This last weekend has seen a number of fierce storms pass over Pattaya, and one was in progress as we headed up to our condo in the lift last night.

Two floors from home and a strike right in front of us produced a massive fizzing crack and a bright shaft of lightning. The instinctive reaction from she who must be obeyed was to let out a loud shriek and frantically grab hold of me for reassurance. My instinctive reaction was to shriek at an even higher pitch than her, because the body part she had grabbed did not take kindly to being gripped tight by a panic-stricken wife. She let out another shriek, this time of apology and we both fell about laughing.

Media sluts

Mon, 20 Oct 2008 00:00:00 +0000

In her earlier days, she who must be obeyed was a bit of a party animal (or so it would appear from the occasional stories she tells me, which I am sure have already been heavily censored). But years of the crushing boredom associated with living with me have worn her down. She doesn’t smoke, rarely drinks, and her favourite post-work occupation is curling up on the sofa in front of the TV. Naturally, I would rather be out on the town, laying down some extreme dance steps, indulging in a variety of barely legal substances and cavorting with a variety of barely legal women; but apparently the marriage vows do not support such activities. So instead I dedicate hours to searching out suitable entertainment to keep her entertained.

A new speed record

Thu, 16 Oct 2008 00:00:00 +0000

She who must be obeyed is a reasonable enough driver, provided she can be convinced to concentrate. But when her mind wanders (dreams of handbags etc.), she is prone to drive into the back of other cars, something she has done twice in the last four years. Personally, I have never driven into the back of anything, apart from the time when I mowed down some oil drums in a racing car; but as I was travelling backwards at some considerable speed at the time with my eyes closed and muttering “please don’t let me die”, I could argue that the oil drums actually assaulted me.

But, whereas she who must be obeyed is not the worst of drivers, she is an unrelentingly annoying passenger. When we are moving she is keen to point out all the potential road hazards (or more precisely, the 63% that she manages to spot), several seconds after I have noticed and allowed for them. When we are stopping she is insistent that we park in a place of her choosing (usually somewhere that minimises subsequent walking). When we are on a motorway she will suddenly decide we are going too fast, a decision that is taken at somewhere between 95 and 155 kph (the “we are going to fast” trigger always fires at less than 155 kph).

So, with her at work, and me needing to go and visit Canon in Bangkok, it was somewhat refreshing to be behind the wheel, alone in the car, and tootling up the much-improved highway to the capital city this morning.

Bike and (possibly) babes

Thu, 16 Oct 2008 00:00:00 +0000

It has become something of a tradition that any photographic excursion to a race track should include photographs of young ladies, known in popular parlance as “babes”. Well, I was at Bira race track today and certainly took photos of bikes.

Jimmy's back, and he's mad. Literally.

Wed, 15 Oct 2008 00:00:00 +0000

Those of you who have been following the exploits of Jimmy the stuntman (if you haven’t, try here and here, and here) will be aware that he attempted a stunt too far and broke his ankle. Months of recovery followed, but now he is back and working on his next accident.

It started gently enough, a quick wheelie out on the track:

Bungeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!

Tue, 14 Oct 2008 00:00:00 +0000

If you like messing around on the water, there is no limit to lengths you will go to create a new experience. Here’s an idea: If you can launch a glider into the air with a length of bungee cord, imagine what you could do to a person standing on a piece of plastic on the sea, attached to several metres of highly-stretched bungee? Naturally, we had to find out.

First task is to attach one end of the bungee to something secure, an anchor would seem like a good idea.

A lesson in female physiology

Mon, 13 Oct 2008 00:00:00 +0000

After watching Lewis Hamilton throw away some useful points at the Japanese Grand Prix, it was down to the club for an afternoon of windsurfing and a further failed attempt to catch sea creatures from a SUP.

Pleasantly knackered, I am dragged down to Big C Festival by she who must be obeyed, who needs to buy some extra gym shorts to support her keep fit and get thinner campaign; a campaign that was announced some weeks ago but appears to have stalled, the latest ~~excuse~~ reason being that she needs more shorts.

Nurse, pass the screwdriver

Mon, 13 Oct 2008 00:00:00 +0000

Time to bring my ailing iMac back to life. Problem was that I had no nurses and no appropriate screwdrivers.

In predictable fashion, I had received nurse application forms from the cats. In their ongoing quest for entertainment to supplement their usual daily routine of eating, sleeping and destroying furniture; they had closely followed the anesthetising of the patient (I unplugged it) and the careful transfer to the operating theatre (a blanket on the bed in the back bedroom). They were therefore poised for heavy involvement in the upcoming operation to resuscitate my computer. However, their application forms indicated a willingness to eat crucial components and spread cat hair over the innards of the patient, so instead of hiring them I banned them from the room which generated a simmering resentment which lasted for the remainder of the day.

Next problem was the screwdriver.

So much for karma

Sat, 11 Oct 2008 00:00:00 +0000

She who must be obeyed is a firm believer in karma. Do bad stuff and bad stuff will happen to you, and vice versa. As this means she is inclined to do good stuff, this is a sensible philosophy and is to be encouraged. To a certain extent I am inclined to this way of thinking myself; and it does make for a more pleasant life.

So when I went to help Antony with his computer yesterday afternoon, I was pretty sure my computing karma would be in good shape afterwards. Like me, Antony is a Mac user. Like me, Antony wanted a way of downloading torrents on a separate machine that could be left grinding away in a small room, and the answer was a cheapo XP machine with a wireless connection.

As his requirements reflect my set-up, Antony was under the mistaken impression that I could somehow help him with his configuration. My standard help comprised of saying “well, it works on my set-up, but I can’t remember how I did it”, and then frantically googling in search of an answer. Still, after a couple of hours we had most things working and I went home flushed with the warm feeling of having helped my fellow man.

Walked into my computer room and there was a funny ticking noise coming from my iMac, the sort of ticking noise you get when your hard drive is buggered. And it was. The machine refused to restart, just sat there making ticking and grinding noises. So much for my computing karma.

The iMac is a fantastic machine (when it is working). A triumph of design with all the components jammed into a thin form factor behind a lovely 24" monitor.

Flawed attractions - Mini Siam

Fri, 10 Oct 2008 00:00:00 +0000

German police pursue bad hair bandits

Thu, 09 Oct 2008 00:00:00 +0000

The area in front of the Royal Garden Mall is the regular haunt of hookers, deadbeats and people selling assorted junk. Yesterday the scene was enlivened by what appeared to be a German police car, albeit with Thai number plates and a couple of cops with ill-fitting uniforms and plastic guns.

Hunters of the deep

Thu, 09 Oct 2008 00:00:00 +0000

Suggestions are made for an after-dark, squid fishing trip on SUP boards. The event is postponed until Saturday, but she who must be obeyed is not to be denied.

Her sunny view on life often results in a misplaced optimism; and by the time she returns home from work she has already arranged for a supply of dipping sauce to help us enjoy the cooked squid which we have yet to catch and have no idea how to prepare for cooking should we happen to catch any. To aid us in the hunt, she has also obtained a couple of squinty-eyed plastic lures equipped with evil hooks, which are intended to be irresistible to passing squid.

A monster spliff

Wed, 08 Oct 2008 00:00:00 +0000

A truly contented Thai gentleman:

Things to do with a bar girl

Wed, 08 Oct 2008 00:00:00 +0000

Number 42 - Throw her off the top of a platform

A fine hotel in Malacca

Mon, 06 Oct 2008 00:00:00 +0000

The centre of the Malay world prior to Portugese colonisation in 1511, further influenced by Dutch and British colonisation, and now a thriving home to Peranakan Chinese, Malacca (or Melaka) is a mix of influences and now a Unesco World Heritage site.

Our hotel fits right in. A warren of rooms with views over nearby architecture and starlings nesting like bats in one of the reception rooms, the hotel Puri is exactly the sort of hotel you would hope for when staying in Malacca.

Bye bye Malaysia

Mon, 06 Oct 2008 00:00:00 +0000

Time to say goodbye to Harry and Jackie and head home. I hate goodbyes, especially when I don’t know when I will see them again; so it was a quick hug with dust in the eyes, and into the taxi for the airport.

Malaysia in general and Malacca in particular seemed to be doing very well, with plenty of tourists from all over the globe enjoying good food, friendly people and a vibrant culture. A change from the low-season moanings coming out of Thailand. If life in Thailand falls to pieces, then I know where I will be heading as a very acceptable alternative. I lived in Malaysia for seven years in a previous life, would happily go back and live on roti chanai and fish curry till my intestines exploded.

I see dead people

Mon, 06 Oct 2008 00:00:00 +0000

Tucked away in a Chinese temple in Malacca we find hundreds of sticks and photos, each representing a death. Like memories, the photos and sticks have faded over time.

Kart in the dark

Mon, 06 Oct 2008 00:00:00 +0000

The kart track near to Bali Hai pier announced a three hour kart race; something worth photographing I thought. The poster had a starting time of 2 o’clock. Had taken some test shots previously, so was looking forward to a three hour mammoth afternoon photo session.

Then I read the poster again, and the 2 o’clock was actually 2000 hours, this was a night race. Photographing in the dark is not so fun, but I turned up anyway and took a few shots during qualifying.

Malacca by day

Mon, 06 Oct 2008 00:00:00 +0000

Malacca offers endless possibilities for camera pointing, and Harry and I spend many happy hours snapping. Some selections:

Malacca by night

Mon, 06 Oct 2008 00:00:00 +0000

Fun to photograph by day, Malacca is even better by night, with every building carefully lit, with red being the dominant colour.

Self plucking and cave temples

Mon, 06 Oct 2008 00:00:00 +0000

Driving over the summit of the Cameron Highlands and we reach an area which is dedicated to strawberries. We are invited to indulge in a little self plucking which sounds more perverse than it actually is.

Street life

Mon, 06 Oct 2008 00:00:00 +0000

On a weekend evening, the main street in Malacca is converted into a pedestrian only area and stalls are set up everywhere.

Tea

Mon, 06 Oct 2008 00:00:00 +0000

Having bitched about the limited vocabulary of the GPS, it wreaked revenge by directing us through a particularly jammed section of KL, before spitting us out on the toll road heading north. After a couple of hours we were in the foothills of the Cameron Highlands and climbing out of the heat and into cooler air.

It was in 1885 that James Cameron, leading a colonial government survey, discovered the plateau at 5,000 feet which became known as the Cameron Highlands. Having discovered it, he felt the overwhelming urge for a celebratory cup of tea. Failing to find a tea shop, vasts tracts of the highlands were immediately requisitioned for tea plantations. And they are still there today.

Malaysia, here we come

Sun, 05 Oct 2008 00:00:00 +0000

Off to the airport with she who must be obeyed, who had wangled two days away from work using the equitable strategy of not receiving any salary for the time off. We fly Air Asia on the grounds it is a fraction of the price of Thai Airlines. It departs on time, arrives early and is not full, so no complaints.

The downside of flying Air Asia into Kuala Lumpur is that you arrive at the low-cost terminal which is somewhat basic and does not offer a train into town. We check out the bus companies and an eager young lady assures us that their bus leaves every 15 minutes and the next one leaves in 7 minutes. This is bollocks and we sit in a scruffy bus for nearly half an hour before we are finally wheezing and smoking our way into downtown KL. Once at the bus terminal, we fail to find a taxi prepared to use a meter and end up paying around 200 baht equivalent for a journey that was probably worth half that.

My son’s partner, Jackie, had done considerable research into the holiday, such that the hotels had been chosen with care, and each location had already been marked with a wide variety of restaurant options. The hotel chosen for the KL stay was the Mandarin Oriental, and very smart it was too. We had a view of the Petronas Towers which was a pretty cool thing to have outside your bedroom window.

Consuming banned substances

Sat, 27 Sep 2008 00:00:00 +0000

The occasionally vigilant government department that monitors what can and cannot be sold in shops, has decreed that certain products, emanating from China and possibly containing melamine, should be removed from shelves. These products include Snickers (one of my favourites) M&Ms, and Dove milk chocolate.

Given that the decree is not mandated, it is likely that all the shops will ignore it; and sure enough, a nearby store had racks of Snickers and M&Ms for sale. I didn’t know that they made these things in China, so I bought one to check. Sure enough:

Craig buys a boat

Sat, 27 Sep 2008 00:00:00 +0000

Well, not actually, but it’s big enough to qualify for requiring the assistance of a pilot in certain ports.

Just a lucky shot

Sat, 27 Sep 2008 00:00:00 +0000

Photographing Craig, and out of the corner of my eye I see two girls jumping by the edge of the sea. Swing round the camera and catch a quick shot; composition is not perfect, but it’s fun.

Not a lucky shot

Sat, 27 Sep 2008 00:00:00 +0000

Rose is out on a SUP and I really want to capture an atmospheric image, straight into the sun with the water sparkling and Rose in shadow against the water, but with some detail coming out of the board at the bottom of the shot.

Several attempts using different exposure settings and finally I get one, with “bum island” nicely positioned in the background.

SUP Summary

Fri, 26 Sep 2008 00:00:00 +0000

For those of you who are visiting to view reports on the SUP trip, here are the links to the individual reports, to save you trawling through all the other junk on this site:

The trip to the river The first day Rubber Boy and Captain America The second day

The fundamental human right to own a bumper sticker

Fri, 26 Sep 2008 00:00:00 +0000

I am in the privileged position of having sufficient funds to put food on the table, maintain a roof over my head and have some left over for little luxuries (but not enough for that new Leica DSLR; bugger).

But there are many in Pattaya that are not in such a fortunate position. People for whom the next meal is a constant financial challenge, who share a room in a meagre hovel and who only have enough cash for the latest mobile phone and a furry carrying case. I genuinely feel sorry for such people and understand that sometimes they have to resort to theft to maintain their humble existence.

Too much oiled flesh

Fri, 26 Sep 2008 00:00:00 +0000

Back to catch the Strongman competition and luckily there is a young lady occupying the stage, doing exercises which I think she who must be obeyed would benefit from.

The Olympics - adjusted medal tally released

Thu, 25 Sep 2008 00:00:00 +0000

The country bubbles to the left of your screen has generated considerable intellectual debate. Devious, but not at all surprising, was an assertion by the French that their balls were too small because their minimal colonies had been allocated their own spheres.

In a similar vein, I receive today from an English gentleman, a more realistic calculation of the medal scores from the recent Olympics:

The strongman that wasn't

Thu, 25 Sep 2008 00:00:00 +0000

Always on the look-out for unusual events to photograph, I had previously noted a strongman competition taking place over the next two days; so off down to Royal Garden Mall to catch the action. I get there to discover no sign of any competition. I rant internally; bloody typical, they publicise things and then cancel them with no notice, this is no way to run a tourist resort etc etc. Then I check my calendar and see the event is actually being held at Big C Festival. Oh.

At Big C there is a stage but no sign of any strongmen. When does it start? I enquire and am told 1500. Deep down I know this not going to be true, but I head off for a Pad Thai lunch followed by a sticky choc chewy artery clogger from Svensens. At 1500 a voice requests, nay pleads, for people to enter the competition which is planned to start “around 1600”. I know what that means, and leave. Will try again tomorrow, sometime after 1800.

On the way home I pass by the Bali Hai kart track and point the lens at a couple of karts. Try the slow shutter speed blurry shot and the higher shutter speed option with low depth of field. Decide I like both.

That's a wrap

Wed, 24 Sep 2008 00:00:00 +0000

With our visit to Malaysia imminent, she who must be obeyed decides it is time to take control and informs me that we will be embarking on a mission to wrap the presents this evening, and I should have all intended gifts marshalled at a single point pending her return from work at 1830; thence we will sally forth.

Down the river for the final time

Tue, 23 Sep 2008 00:00:00 +0000

Kanchanaburi, Sunday

Heavy rains overnight and we woke to a river that was much closer to the bottom of the bridge than it had been the night before. This was good news however, because the paddlers were going to need all the help they could get on a journey that was 24 kilometres by road downstream, and considerably more by water.

This stretch was wilder and less inhabited than Saturday’s route, with some amazing rock formations.

Floating through paradise

Tue, 23 Sep 2008 00:00:00 +0000

Kanchanaburi, Saturday

The Sai Yok River View charged the not at all exhorbitant rate of 600 baht a night, for which you got bed, breakfast and evening meal; and an extremely pleasant setting.

Of Rubber Boy and Captain America

Tue, 23 Sep 2008 00:00:00 +0000

Everyone is an individual, but some are more individual than others.

Take Euan. He was saving up for a SUP board, but he bought a Didgeridoo instead. And indeed he brought his Didgeridoo on the SUP trip and we were treated (I think that is the right word) to a selection of parping melodies in the key of ‘C’ as an after-dinner treat.

But an absence of a SUP was not going to stop Euan from exploring the river. He found a spare tyre from what was probably a Morris Minor, donned a pair of flippers, and jumped in.

What's in a word?

Tue, 23 Sep 2008 00:00:00 +0000

A convoluted story from she who must obeyed yesterday, along the lines that a lump of commission had been earned on the sale of a property, and all the staff were going to share it, and they were going out for a party in the evening.

I summarised it in my mind as “wife coming home late, will have to fend for myself”. Then she rang to say it had been cancelled and she would be returning home to spend the evening with me, so that was good.

But then today, she did not return home.

Bugger, it's a bug

Mon, 22 Sep 2008 00:00:00 +0000

Having sorted out my photo display issues, I decide to finish the afternoon by tidying up the page sidebars. While doing this I discover that I can only add text based widgets to the right sidebar. Any other widgets which I try to add are put into the left sidebar… Never happened before, assume it is an obscure latest Wordpress version bug.

So that will be a few more hours wasted, meantime apologies for the lopsided look.

Cracked the photo problem

Mon, 22 Sep 2008 00:00:00 +0000

A dry, sunny day seems to have solved my wide wide world of web connection issues, giving me some time to experiment with photo display options. After much fiddling, I manage to get something working, and now you can click on a reasonable sized photo and have a much larger photo displayed. Thanks to Todd, I also can have a gap between the photos which makes the presentation much more presentable. Try these two and let me know if you have any problems:

Masters of navigation

Mon, 22 Sep 2008 00:00:00 +0000

And so off to somewhere near Kanchanaburi for the great SUP adventure. My chauffeur, Antony, collects me at 1300 prompt and disappoints by not wearing a peaked cap and saluting, but he does help me load the several kilos of luggage I have accumulated, so he may get a tip at the end of the journey if he continues to behave.

An application with a sense of humour

Fri, 19 Sep 2008 00:00:00 +0000

Loading up the iPhone with quality music to annoy Antony on the way to the river Kwai this afternoon, plus I decide to load a few TV shows to keep me amused should I have any idle time in between taking photos and drinking beer.

Some conversion is required to reduce the wide-screen TV compatible files to something that will play on an iPhone without taking up loads of storage space; and my application of choice is VisualHub. The less featured, free version has a help file that contains nothing but the words to the Beatles song. The fully featured version contains more helpful help, but retains the witty approach. When I requested to cancel a conversion job, I got this:

Notice of absence

Fri, 19 Sep 2008 00:00:00 +0000

With several bags full of camera gear, plus the she who must be obeyed mandated safety equipment (life jacket, mosquito spray, too many changes of underwear and a box of pills); all waiting by the door, I am ready to depart on the SUP adventure.

Back on Sunday, possibly an iPhone based update if anything exciting happens, otherwise no updates until Sunday evening earliest.

And next week I will sort out the photo presentation issue; there are other solutions out there, just can’t get any of them to work just yet.

A dream within your reach

Thu, 18 Sep 2008 00:00:00 +0000

So goes the slogan for the latest Raimon land venture, The Lofts Southshore. Sounds good doesn’t it, although it would be more accurately titled, The Lofts, Muddy Field Next To A Busy Road, Nowhere Near The Shore.

After a rather pleasant lunch and pint or so of Kilkenny at Shenanigans last Sunday, we decided to pop into their sales office which is conveniently located right next to the bar. There was a pretty model of the two towers, and a mock-up unit complete with mock-up view over the bay. It’s a view you will only get from one side of a tower, with half of the views available being of the adjacent tower, although that fact is is not highlighted in the sample view photos they give you, which are presumably taken from a helicopter because there is no structure yet. [imgset:72157607354088876,thumbnail,true]

All in all, it's just another brick in the wall

Thu, 18 Sep 2008 00:00:00 +0000

Farewell then Rik Wright, gone to the great gig in the sky.

Several lifetimes ago, when music came on vinyl and listening quality was of importance, I embarked upon my first purchase of what was known as a hi-fi system. Deck, amplifier, speakers and miles of complicated cable. I attended a hi-fi show where all the dealers were showing off the latest gear; and without exception they were all using the same album to promote their sound; Dark Side of the Moon. It was, and remains, a classic; still sounding good even when reduced to MP3 and pushed out of an iPod.

Back to Bira

Thu, 18 Sep 2008 00:00:00 +0000

Having finally recovered from the bike mega-shoot last week, I spend some time this morning working through the shots and picking out some of my favourites. Highside Tours like to put some photos up on their website, but don’t fancy trawling through seven hundred photos to make a selection, especially on a rather tired XP laptop with no appropriate software. But using Lightroom on a Mac makes browsing a pleasure and I soon have my top 20 selection.

Country bingo

Thu, 18 Sep 2008 00:00:00 +0000

Here I sit in a condo in Thailand, churning out rubbish for my own amusement on a nearly daily basis. When I started, I anticipated an audience of no more than ten, mainly family and friends based in Europe or Thailand. From reasons that are not entirely clear, around a hundred lonely souls now visit here every day, from all over planet earth.

We track the relative numbers from various countries based on the country bubbles, a feature that continues to give rise to much debate, most recently from the French who demanded a recount based on the fact that their small colonies were not being included in the French total (see the debate here.)

Don't forget your rubber chicken

Thu, 18 Sep 2008 00:00:00 +0000

Tomorrow I depart on my little big adventure to photograph lunatics paddling pieces of plastic down a raging river. Yes, it’s the big SUP trip and she who must be obeyed does not want me to go.

It will not have escaped the attention of those who live in this fine country that it has been pissing down for the past week or so. There are floods in many parts of the country, people have died. An ideal time then for jumping into the no doubt swollen river Kwai, armed with nothing more than a SUP board and a paddle. Or, in my case, sitting in a tiny, leaking boat with 400,000 baht’s worth of camera equipment just aching to be lost overboard.

Wild pussy

Thu, 18 Sep 2008 00:00:00 +0000

Out walking today and disturbed this cat lying on some steps. He was not pleased to see me.

[imgset:72157607357055266,thumbnail,true]

A small step for Pattaya Days

Wed, 17 Sep 2008 00:00:00 +0000

Well, in spite of a no-show from the TT&T engineer, I have had access to the wide wide world of web for most of the day. Speeds have been reduced from their usual whizzo pace, to more of a watching paint dry crawl; but at least I have had access.

Spent the day trying out ways to make images appear on this site in a more elegant manner. I have tried a number of galleries and associated WordPress plug-ins, all of which looked as if they would do the job, none of which actually worked. Many, many hours of trial and failure helped me learn more about myself. And what I learned was, I am techno-stupid. I have also learned that updating to the latest version of WordPress is not necessarily a good idea, many of the plug-in features are not working with it yet.

I've gone again, and I'm really upset

Wed, 17 Sep 2008 00:00:00 +0000

My wide wide world of web connectivity has disappeared down the toilet of mediocrity. It is disconnecting every few minutes, no doubt this post will take forever to process.

I am promised a visit from a “technician” today who, from the experience of others, will bugger up my router and leave me worse than he found me.

Witty and yet strangely profound postings will continue (Ed: did they ever start?) once this technological mess has been resolved. Until then, please amuse yourselves.

Messages from Koh Chang

Wed, 17 Sep 2008 00:00:00 +0000

She who must be obeyed has left me again. This time she has gone to Koh Chang island where her company is developing a site of small land plots next to the sea at extraordinary prices. The boss of the company has taken a bunch of employees for a site-seeing visit which appears to involve a lot of eating and chatting.

A call an hour or so ago:

She: It’s very lovely down here. The sea is so clear and the air is so fresh and there is no traffic. Maybe we should think about buying some land.

I'm back, and I'm mad

Tue, 16 Sep 2008 00:00:00 +0000

This Wordpress thingie, upon which Pattaya Days depends, is just a black box of wizardry as far as I am concerned. It’s easy enough to install, download the files, stick them on your friendly server, fill in three or four pieces of information, and away you go.

Upgrading, which I have never done before, should be almost as easy. Delete a couple of folders and then load the new versions, and then replace most of the other files. Even a Luddite like me could manage it. But I reckoned without the intervention of TT&T’s internet service (or lack of).

Time for a change

Mon, 15 Sep 2008 00:00:00 +0000

Given that this blog is as much about photos as it is about writing, it has done a pretty crappy job at displaying the six hundred photographs I have uploaded over the past few months. However average the quality, photos do not look their best piled one on top of another. Time to do something about it. Also time to upgrade my Wordpress version, a process that has brought some grief to the two people I know who have done it; so I am expecting grief also.

Enjoyment a la kart

Sat, 13 Sep 2008 00:00:00 +0000

A while ago I posted a couple of shots of the new kart track near Bali Hai Pier. Last night, the brave bikers, and not brave at all me, descended on it as part of the birthday celebrations.

I have been out on the karts at Theppasit, but this was a much more professionally managed experience. There were around thirty of us and we were split into three groups and send out to practice. You are given a hairnet to wear which makes you look like a dick, but it keeps your hair separated from the helmet they provide, and they have a huge choice of decent helmets so you will easily find one that fits.

Too many bikes

Sat, 13 Sep 2008 00:00:00 +0000

Friday is another day photographing the bikes with Highside Tours. A special occasion; Graham, the Highside MD, is celebrating 40 years on the planet, and many bikers turn up to share the day. Which means I am busy snapping for seven hours and go home with nearly 1,500 photographs, all of which I have promised to process and burn onto disks by this evening. Annoyingly, the wind is howling today after weeks of inactivity and I should be out windsurfing, but a promise is a promise.

Work on them till 0100 and then up at 0700 this morning to continue processing. Take a break and a trip to Tuk Com to buy some more DVD covers. Finish processing the photos and ready to start burning DVDs. Discover there are no blank DVDs left. Swear. Take another trip to Tukcom.

Last time I saw Jimmy the stunt man he was recovering, but still unable to ride. Not only is he now riding again, but has used his downtime to build a new bike and he spent the day day running in the engine, at speeds that would indicate that the engine was being run in rapidly.

0.3% Collagen

Thu, 11 Sep 2008 00:00:00 +0000

A couple of prominent traits relating to she who must be obeyed: she likes to go shopping, and she likes to buy things she has never bought before. Personally I avoid shops unless there are crucial gadgets that need to be acquired, and once I find something that works for me, I stick with it. Same shampoo for more than ten years, same breakfast ingredients since forever, why change what you like?

So when I find myself short of a crucial breakfast ingredient this morning (yoghurt with nuts), and I announce my intention of popping out to the 7/11 shop which is two minutes away; it is no surprise to hear a little voice saying “I am coming too.” She likes to go out with me, especially if I am going to shops. Even at a humble 7/11, she will find stuff to purchase, most of which we have never seen before and are unlikely to see again; but it has to be sampled.

My strategy is to get my item and hurry to the check-out before she has had a chance to browse and choose too much; but damn she is quick. My two pots of yoghurt are soon joined on the counter by assorted snacks of dubious nutitional value and a what is described as a BeautiDrink.

Cockpit sucks

Thu, 11 Sep 2008 00:00:00 +0000

A distress call from she who must be obeyed, her failing car battery had finally died and she needed rescue. Given the circumstances, she actually didn’t seem very distressed at all. The reason became clear when I arrived at her car, she had conveniently failed to start right outside a food stall.

Out came my trusty jump leads, which have given occasional but reliable service for more than twenty years and a small crowd gathered. Some young Thai males are eager to use the jump leads and would no doubt create numerous sparks and destroy both batteries if I let them. She who must be obeyed is concerned I will lose face (and therefore she will lose face) in front of the ever-swelling throng. “Do you know what to do” she enquires whilst positioning herself behind a nearby concrete block in case of explosion. “Aberdeen, eight years of winters, below freezing in the morning” was enough of a reply, I felt, to explain that I had done this often. Murmurs of appreciation and what was nearly spontaneous applause when her car starts at the first turn of the key. Damn, I’m good.

Fancy going for a spin?

Thu, 11 Sep 2008 00:00:00 +0000

A miserable day weather-wise, and it was not until late afternoon that it stopped raining and so I took the SUP out for a paddle. Quite choppy and I fell off regularly, but was doing quite well after an hour or so, until some local guys on the shore started gesticulating that I should come in. I looked over my shoulder to see why, and saw an even more developed version of this:

Will Wright, about to take over my life. Again

Thu, 11 Sep 2008 00:00:00 +0000

Mr. Wright first destroyed my free time around twenty years ago when he developed the first SimCity. Unlike most games, you could never “win” at SimCity; but you could build very cool cities and I spent many many ~~hours~~ days doing just that; all the way up to SimCity 4 in 2003 which would still be sitting on my hard drive if I hadn’t recently built a new games machine.

Wright then went on to design The Sims, which has become the biggest selling computer game of all time. Personally, I hated it; developing people, sending them out to work, holding stupid BBQ parties; it was just too much hard work and too much like real life. If I wanted real life (which, generally, I don’t) I would live it, not experience it through a computer game.

Still, there was some hope. About four years ago Wright started to talk about his next project, initially titled Sim Everything, later changed to Spore. A game of ambitious scope: start as an organism in the primordial soup, and evolve over millions of years to take over galaxies (note to creationists; obviously this is not based on scientific fact. Further note to creationists; you are stupid).

We knew it would be a while before we saw the game, but three and a half years is a long time to wait. But last week it was finally released and I was eager to get my hands on it. First I tried to download it but of course, just like my friends at Adobe, Electronic Arts would not let me download it in Thailand, and the likes of Amazon would not ship it overseas. But never mind, the game was to be released in Thailand, and sure enough I found it sitting on the shelf in my favourite games shop in Tuk Com.

But the owner, who has sold me many games over the years, expressed concern that the game was in Thai and, although she had a piece of paper that explained how to change the language, she was not sure that the technique would work. Never mind, I was eager to try and bought a copy, only to find that indeed the technique described did not work. In Europe and the USA the game comes with many language packs so you can choose which language to use. In Thailand they only include the Thai language pack because everyone who plays games in Thailand speaks and reads Thai……

Bugger.

A bit of searching on the game DVD and it seemed like the language files were quite small, I just needed someone in Europe or the USA with a copy of the game. An on-line chat with my son, who was considering a purchase anyway, and I soon had a copy of the files and the game working in English.

I loaded the files to the web, wrote out an instruction sheet on how to change the language, and presented it to the nice lady at the games shop this morning. She was very happy because now she can shift loads of copies to all her farang customers. I am promised a substantial discount from now on.

Meantime, I have evolved from the primordial soup and have a very long-legged herbivore nibbling away at high-hanging fruit. Quite a while before it is in a condition to conquer space. Meantime, my son has e-mailed me to say he was playing till 0300; I suppose that is partly my fault, although most of the blame belongs to Will Wright, the destroyer of free time. If it’s 0300, it’s probably a Will Wright game. Or a bar girl.

A Spore creature with the ability to hide up its own arse in perilous situations. Something of an evolutionary dead-end I expect:

Holy computers

Wed, 10 Sep 2008 00:00:00 +0000

It’s a tough life being a monk. Up at dawn begging for alms, followed by a day of solitude and contemplation, with only a brief break for an hour or three to pop down to the local computer mall to stock up with motherboards, mobile phones and all the other necessary equipment required to support the monastic life.

And they get better discount than I can manage.

Pattaya Days exposes human trafficking at Silverlake

Wed, 10 Sep 2008 00:00:00 +0000

Possibly.

In a previous post I highlighted the fact that the natural delights of Silverlake were being diminished by fake add-ons including a cardboard windmill and some imported Long Neck Karens. Seems like the police read this site, because Pattaya One News reported today that the Long Neck Karens were all rounded up and taken away for working illegally, together with one Thai man responsible for bringing them to work without permits.

Flawed attractions - Nong Nuch

Tue, 09 Sep 2008 00:00:00 +0000

Regular viewers have already been bored senseless by far too many flower photos in a previous posting, extolling the delights of Nong Nuch Tropical Gardens as a photographic location. I also admire the owner’s choice of cars.

But there are things in Nong Nuch which spoil the natural beauty of the gardens. Whilst strolling amongst the greenery, what you don’t expect to find is a collection of pink, concrete pigs:

If it won't fall over, knock it down

Tue, 09 Sep 2008 00:00:00 +0000

There are many ways to bugger up the construction of a building. One option involves continually pouring liquid concrete until the building collapses; an alternative approach is to just knock it down.

A small complex of houses has been under construction for some time on Theppasit road. Last week they took delivery of a large number of tiles and appeared to be ready to start building the roof. There were many worker on site, busying themselves with various tasks.

This week, the workers are gone, the roof supports are gone, and someone has taken some heavy machinery to the walls and inflicted serious damage. I suspect that if you turned up now and made an offer, you could obtain the entire site for very little money.

Samak's goose is cooked

Tue, 09 Sep 2008 00:00:00 +0000

Thailand’s politicians have a well-earned reputation for corruption, cronyism and downright thievery. It has always been so. Thaksin was particularly good at it, and the new boy Samak and his gang of hangers-on were showing all the signs of continuing the tradition.

So, given the generally accepted level of dishonesty and greed that is inherent in the position of Prime Minister of Thailand, it is exceedingly bizarre that Samak was this afternoon disqualified from the job on the grounds that he was moonlighting by hosting two cooking shows on TV.

I want a divorce

Mon, 08 Sep 2008 00:00:00 +0000

Not me, obviously; she who must be obeyed is my main source of amusement (well, it’s almost a dead heat between her and my iMac); and I love her dearly. And she tells me more than once daily that she feels the same. In between telling me what to do of course.

But clearly there are some Thai ladies out there who are need of advice on how to terminate their marital arrangements, because the rather badly written and consistently sensational Pattaya Daily News has published an article entitled How To Tell Your Farang Husband You Want A Divorce.

Lips, Lifts and elevators

Sun, 07 Sep 2008 00:00:00 +0000

One of my occasional pleasures is to prostrate myself on the balcony while she who must be obeyed wields a trimmer, scissors and assorted supporting instruments with the objective of keeping my facial hair in check. I am sure you can think of more exotic pleasures involving prostration on a balcony (I know I can); but these are the realities of marriage.

She does a good job, although her consistency is occasionally thrown into doubt when she mutters “oh dear” under her breath; or worse, starts laughing. I am given strict instructions to keep my eyes and mouth shut, following which she will attempt to start a conversation or point out something happening on the sea which really requires my attention. The trimming of the beard is then followed by an assault upon other lurking hairs around my ears and nose, finishing off with an unnecessary clipping of the eyebrows.

A choice of adrenaline-inducing activities

Sat, 06 Sep 2008 00:00:00 +0000

Hot, sticky afternoon and I feel the need to get out and point a lens at something. There is an area off Theppasit road where you can insert yourself into danger in a variety of ways. First there is a bungee jump, claimed to be the highest in Thailand at 60 metres. I do have a list of things I would like to do before I die; but bungee jumping is not one of them. If it were on the list, I think I would leave it till last, because judging by the condition of the bungee cord at this place, it could be the final thing I do.

Anything View Talay can do, I can do worse

Fri, 05 Sep 2008 00:00:00 +0000

Thoroughly inspired by the construction standards that led to the collapse at the View Talay site yesterday, I decide to construct a stand to contain my new SUP board. Extensive negotiations with the condo manager (Me: Please? Him: Yes!) have given me clearance to keep the board in a far flung corner of the basement car park, but it needs something to keep the board next to the wall without actually being scraped against it.

My previous major erection project utilised blue plastic plumbing pipe and plywood to create a barrier behind which the cats, when kittens, would be restrained when we didn’t want them loose in the condo, destroying the furniture and urinating on the carpets (destroying furniture and random urination is my job). It was, by any standard, a failure. The first offering was at such a height that I would have defied a Grand National horse to jump it. They jumped it. So I made it higher, then they just knocked it over. Then I nailed it to the wall so they couldn’t get past it, but then neither could we; so I had to dismantle it. Tattered furniture and smelly carpets ensued.

But I was convinced as to the efficacy of blue plastic pipe and headed off to Kanyong Home Store to purchase large quantities of same to complete my SUP stand design; a design that existed vaguely in my head but not at all on paper. Never mind, in my world, mediocrity is not just a word, it’s a lifestyle.

Kanyong is out of town, sparsely visited and reeks of excess stock and desperation. Eager salesmen wait outside the door and then pursue you inside, hungry to encourage the purchase of the first item you hesitate to glance at. Well, they were not getting me. I sauntered inside and then accelerated down the nearest aisle, with a ravenous salesman in close pursuit. I threw him a dummy at the potted plants by fingering a price tag; then just as he was stealing himself to expound the virtues of a patently plastic orchid in colours not yet discovered by nature, I hung a sharp left and lost myself in the maze of bedroom furniture. Lingering behind a chipboard wardrobe with a pirate motif, I became Daniel Craig as I heard his laboured breathing close by. Merging into the shadows like an elephant in a spotlight can’t, I evaded the character who had by now been elevated to Soviet agent status in my mind, and I slipped away to the plumbing department in search of half inch blue plastic pipe and fittings.

I wanted T-pieces and 45 degree pieces and enough pipe to build a SUP stand, with enough spare to cover the inevitable cock-ups due to my innate incompetence. They had half of what I wanted on the shelves, and the rest in the warehouse, which meant they had to fill out a form in triplicate for the warehouse order, take me to a separate desk where a languid clerk spent ten minutes working out I owed them 126 baht, and then pointed me in the general direction of the warehouse. On the way I had to go to the cashier and pay for the stuff from the shelves, and then be called back by a less-languid friend of the clerk who was concerned that the stuff I had just paid for at the cashier was the same as the stuff I was going to collect at the warehouse. Took a while to explain that, although I looked stupid, I wasn’t; and that although everything I was buying was blue, some bits were different from others. You get the idea, Kanyong is a mess.

Down to the warehouse to put into action an earlier request that the 4 metre long pipe lengths be cut in half so I could fit them in my car. A young man took some time out from squeezing his spots in his motorbike mirror to cut the pipe, using a broken fretsaw blade, no obvious enthusiasm, and obviously no skill. He sized up the first pipe and expertly cut it into two pieces, creating two jagged ends and an approximately 2/3 by 1/3 split. Much hilarity as to how crap he was and the second attempt was no better; nor the third. I put the disparate lengths of jagged pipe in the car and he hung around for a tip. I gave him one: “use a fucking tape measure next time.”

Back home with my construction materials and me and the cats established base camp on the balcony with the blue plastic, a saw, a tape measure (oh, the professionalism), and a hammer (oh, the obvious crude approach). Having ascertained that I was not intent on building another barrier, the cats wandered off and I was left to create my masterpiece. After an hour or so of screw-ups and more hammering than should be necessary, I finally muttered “it’s alive, it’s alive!”, and stood back to admire my handiwork.

Fire on the water

Fri, 05 Sep 2008 00:00:00 +0000

Big storm passing down the Gulf of Thailand this evening.

A fall in the property market

Thu, 04 Sep 2008 00:00:00 +0000

Last year a large hole appeared in Theppraya road, and a baht bus drove straight into it. Would have made an excellent photo if I had had a camera with me, but I didn’t. Since then, I have always tried to remember to take a camera with me wherever I go; and since then there has, of course been little of excitement to photograph.

This morning I am sitting at the polo club helping them choose from my too extensive collection of polo photos for their web site, and I get a call from an excited Nik. There has been an extremely loud crash and it appears that the second floor at the View Talay site has decided to join the first floor without asking permission, and the result is a mess. He is off with his camera to capture the scene, whilst I am sat 40 minutes away looking at pictures of horses. Bugger.

Apparently they were pouring large quantities of concrete onto the second floor when everything collapsed, creating a lake of wet concrete and a tangle of metal. Nobody killed, unless there is someone under the concrete lake they haven’t missed yet.

Fine photos courtesy of Nik:

Flawed attractions - Silverlake

Wed, 03 Sep 2008 00:00:00 +0000

Gone fishing

Wed, 03 Sep 2008 00:00:00 +0000

To read the international news, you would think that Thailand is descending into chaos. Blood on the streets, state of emergency in Bangkok, opposing gangs of paid idiots facing each other across barricades etc. etc.

But life goes on uninterrupted down here. Out and about today and I discover these two guys, one with a fetching purple helmet to keep out the sun, fishing quietly in the countryside:

SUPrisingly big

Wed, 03 Sep 2008 00:00:00 +0000

With she who must be obeyed working all the time, we decided to sell her windsurfing board (which means we only have four left to play with), and with some of the proceeds we ordered a SUP.

It arrived today and was unpacked with the usual excitement at the club. Checked that the board has no scratches, even though it will have plenty after half an hour of use, and most importantly, ensured that there is a good supply of stickers in the bag.

Have to take a photo before I wreck it and get Craig to pose against it because he has much bigger muscles than me. Up close it is much bigger than I remember (I recall someone saying that to me once, but that is another story). It’s more like a small ferry than a surfing board. I wonder how I will manoeuvre it from my condo basement to the beach, and if I will have the strength to carry it back after several near-drowning incidents.

Trading places

Tue, 02 Sep 2008 00:00:00 +0000

It’s a feature of Asian commerce that the establishment of a successful business in one place will result in other businesses selling exactly the same product setting up next door. Open a shoe shop somewhere where there are no shoe shops, appear to be making a profit, or at least stay open for more than a couple of months, and the whole road will rapidly fill with shoe shops. Great for the consumer, stupid for the businesses.

This approach extends to roadside stalls where you can drive for kilometres and be offered a continuous choice of stalls selling the identical type of fruit. A similar phenomenon is developing outside Pattaya. Travelling south on Sukhumvit Road there has been a man selling paddling pools and swimming pool toys.

A September to remember. Or not.

Mon, 01 Sep 2008 00:00:00 +0000

Proof, if any were needed, that not every visitor to the wide wide world of web spends their time downloading porn; visitor stats for this site continue to rise. Admittedly most people come here looking for porn to download, and quickly depart having not found it; but at least we are saving souls for a few moments. From something around 30 visitors in May, to something around 4,030 visitors in August; it ain’t exactly mainstream; but at least it is growing.

The bomb goes on

Mon, 01 Sep 2008 00:00:00 +0000

Having dinner with she who must be obeyed this evening and I was updating her on the latest news from the ongoing stupidity in Bangkok.

A small bomb went off in a police box, I told her.

It exploded?

Yes.

So why don’t you say, in English, “it went on”? It went off, sounds like it didn’t work.

pause, damn she is right.

Well, that is just what we say. (an incisive explanation I feel). I can’t think of an occasion when we would say that something goes on.

Canon 135 F2 L

Sun, 31 Aug 2008 00:00:00 +0000

The title of this post may attract googlers with a passing interest in photography. It is also a warning to the more regular readership that this is not the usual banter, and the photos contained here do not include any pit babes, although there are some pussies.

Within ten minutes of arrival my eBay purchase was joined to a camera and test shots taken. At F2, where the depth of field is minimal, the shots were blurred where they should have been sharp, and I was sad when I should have been happy. Luckily, the Canon 1D includes a facility to dial in compensation, and after a couple of hours of taking shots of a test chart, I had adjusted the focus and all was well. But it’s annoying that Canon’s QC does not ensure that every “professional” lens that leaves the factory is perfectly calibrated.

In time-honoured photographic tradition, any new lens or camera is first tested by taking photos of cats. These were all taken at F2, with focus on the eyes.

A shrinking of the penis in St. Louis, Missouri

Fri, 29 Aug 2008 00:00:00 +0000

As the number of visitors to Pattaya Days grows, there are an increasing number of people who stumble across this site by mistake, and leave quickly without closing the door behind them.

Somewhere in St. Louis (I have the ip address for the purpose of blackmail), there is a worried man (or a frustrated woman) who went to Ask.com and enquired about “shrinking of the penis.” Ask.com cleverly broadened the shrinking issue to the wider problem area of the genitals and arrived here.

eBay love

Fri, 29 Aug 2008 00:00:00 +0000

She who must be obeyed wants to buy me something special for my upcoming birthday. A Lotus Exige is a little beyond her budget (and mine), so we agree upon a nice new lens for my camera. Although she protests she can afford it, this is also beyond her budget, so we agree on a cost sharing arrangement and the deal is done.

Next to source the lens. My usual shop in Bangkok says they don’t have it, and it is so popular that they get very few available. My usual shop in Pattaya says they don’t have it, but could order it for delivery in 45 days. This would still mean that it arrives before my birthday (she who must be obeyed likes to plan early), but I want it NOW (no way is she going to hide it away and wrap it so I can open it on the “big day”).

So I turn to eBay and more than one shop in Hongkong is happy to sell me the lens from stock. Price including Fedex courier is 4,000 baht less than the shop in Pattaya is quoting, and with a creative valuation from customs, the tax should be minimal.

So on Wednesday evening I place the order. On Thursday lunchtime (yesteday), the parcel is picked up by Fedex and when I wake up this morning the tracking tells me it has arrived in Thailand and has cleared customs. I call Fedex who tell me the tax is 425 baht, the seller has obviously heeded my request for a low valuation on the customs form by declaring the lens “basically worthless.”

By lunchtime it is in my hands, less than 24 hours after being collected from the shop in Hong Kong. I love eBay.

Here comes the dude

Fri, 29 Aug 2008 00:00:00 +0000

Living and working in Bangkok was an exhausting process. I had a job which demanded long hours, and a commute in the Bangkok traffic which made the day even longer. Then of course I had to find time for a social life.

She who must be obeyed is firmly of the opinion that I was a playboy during my time in Bangkok. I am firmly of the opinion that I was just enjoying one of the most vibrant cities on the planet as best I could. In truth, I didn’t go out much during the week, too bloody tired. Instead I would sit at my computer and pursue young ladies via the internet. I corresponded with many, chatted on-line with a few, met up with a handful, had a relationship with less than a handful, and married one of them.

Lusting for big tools

Thu, 28 Aug 2008 00:00:00 +0000

(Sorry about the title, but it does attract the punters).

When I first came to Thailand it was hard to find a home improvement store. The poor Thais had the family hammer, and the rich Thais employed the poor Thais to use their family hammer for whatever handyman jobs were required (the results were not always impressive). But the emergence of a Thai middle class, with their own homes and a need to fix things without calling in the man with the hammer, meant that various stores with the word “home” in the title started to appear.

Now we have Home Pro and Home Mart and Home Works and Home Ophobia (although the latter has an irrational fear of displaying big tools). These are OK for most supplies, but if you are looking for serious tools, and we all need them sometimes, then you have to make the pilgrimage to True Value on Sukhumvit road.

Midgets vs. Camel Racing

Wed, 27 Aug 2008 00:00:00 +0000

There are a number of Thai television channels. For the none-Thai speaker they are useless. For a Thai speaker they are brain numbing; abysmal quiz/comedy shows and dramatic soaps all of which seem to contain the same (bad) actors and actresses and have identical plots which involve women acting badly (in every sense) and screaming at people.

Thankfully, she who must be obeyed does not watch much Thai TV, other than the news on occasions. Provided I am prepared to keep her supplied with a regular flow of movies and TV programs via torrents, she doesn’t bother with Thai TV at all. Last night we watched “Miss Pettigrew lives for a day”, a pleasant enough period comedy, followed by a UK TV program called “Super Botox me”, where a 40 year old female reporter went to the USA with the objective of seeing how much she could spend on Botox and similar treatments. The answer was about $10,000, a world of pain and a lot of blood. I had my eyes closed for much of it, and judging from the squeaks coming from the person sat next to me, she will not be thinking of cosmetic surgery any time soon.

Riots in the streets? Time to invest

Tue, 26 Aug 2008 00:00:00 +0000

An exciting, if depressing, day in the history of Thailand. PAD demonstrators on the streets of Bangkok, occupying television stations, blocking roads into Bangkok and generally causing havoc. Their objective is the overthrow of the government, although what they offer instead is not clear. All we do know is that, whoever is in power will be looting the coffers and the ordinary Thai in the countryside will be ignored. There is the chance of another coup, which will be my chance to rush up to Bangkok and take some photos of tanks, something I neglected to do last time.

Probably not the best of times to recommend property investment, but I did check out a couple of projects today. The first has been featured before. It’s a development from the same company that is making such amazing progress with the Ocean 1 tower.

This was View Talay Residence 5 some two and half months ago:

Je suis un expat rosbiff

Mon, 25 Aug 2008 00:00:00 +0000

In the ongoing war (not really a war, more of battle. Not even a battle, would be stretching it to call it an argument. Perhaps just a withering glance) to dominate the Country Bubbles chart on this site, Francois has waded in on behalf of the French and placed a link on the French people who love Pattaya site, or more precisely: Forum Francophone des amoureux de Pattaya.

Francois writes “Un blog génial pour ceux qui peuvent lire l’anglais. C’est un expat rosbiff qui raconte sa vie à Pattaya avec beaucoup d’humour. Fortement recommandé.” Fortunately my schoolboy French could work out what that means, merci beaucoup Francois. And I love being called an expat rosbiff! Never realised that rosbiff was the French slang for the English, much more attractive than the Australian offering of whingeing pom, or that gentle Scottish term of endearment; fucking English bastard (hello Liverpool!).

She who must do something else

Mon, 25 Aug 2008 00:00:00 +0000

My wife received a late birthday present and card yesterday. The card was inscribed “Happy Birthday to She Who Must Be Obeyed.” The giver is obviously a reader of this site.

She knows that I call her this in my writing, and she occasionally takes a look at what I have written. But the card made her realise that other people actually read it, and that “she who must be obeyed” has a little life of it’s own, out in the wide wide world of web.

An afternoon with the axis of evil

Sun, 24 Aug 2008 00:00:00 +0000

An afternoon at the wheelchair basketball and it’s Iran and South Korea in the final. Who to support?

Should I go for South Korea, facing off against the evil regime to their north?

Or Iran, joining North Korea in the exclusive axis of evil club, as designated by the leader of the free world? Ignored by the west during the Iran/Iraq war when hundreds of thousands were killed by western supplied chemical weapons, they now have the audacity to develop nuclear capacities which, given another ten years or so, could be developed into nuclear weapons. This is clearly unacceptable, only the peace-loving Israel is allowed nuclear bombs in that part of the world.

So, Iran it is then, a wise choice confirmed by the big smiles I get from the athletes when I photograph them warming up. One of them wheels himself over to me and we discuss how they won last time and hope to do so again. Then he asks me where I come from. I say “England” and wait for him to run over my foot. Instead I get a wink and a high five. The axis of evil works in strange ways.

The match is very physical and exciting, but hard to photograph because of the very low light. Lots of blur and noise in the photos.

Dust in every orifice

Sun, 24 Aug 2008 00:00:00 +0000

Continuing a sporty weekend in Pattaya, we headed out to the Six Hour Pattaya Enduro race today, where teams of riders took it in turns to fill their orifices with dust as they pounded round a dirt track for, as the name suggests, six hours.

Fun to watch and photograph, but I have no idea who won. Possibly an Iranian team.

Pussy love

Sat, 23 Aug 2008 00:00:00 +0000

I normally rise with she who must be obeyed in order that I can throw her out of the door and send her off to work to earn the money to fund my gadget requirements, but this morning I failed to hear the alarm, her extensive splashing in the bathroom, or the banging of the cupboards as she works her way through a selection of outfits before deciding which she will wear for the day. First thing I am aware of is a kiss on the cheek which I acknowledge with a grunt which is meant to sound affectionate but probably just sounds like a grunt.

Rising later, I discover she has mailed me a couple of shots she has taken of my almost perfect leg, to which, as usual, is attached a pussy.

Heroes on wheels

Fri, 22 Aug 2008 00:00:00 +0000

If you want to see an example of athletes with extra-special levels of determination, head to the indoor stadium in Jomtien tomorrow for the wheelchair sports event. I went there a couple of years ago and plan to go again tomorrow. The main event is baskteball, and it is played with levels of aggression and commitment you would not believe.

When I went last time, the Iranian team won, and they were hard, fast and extremely fit.

Just boring bikes and no photos of young ladies.

Wed, 20 Aug 2008 00:00:00 +0000

Yes. it’s the normal monthly outing with the bikers. But read on, there is much to enjoy once you get past the bikes.

Jimmy the stunt man remains out of commission, could be a while before we see any more bike-based stunts. His stunt offering for today was the very difficult and potentially dangerous “walking stick balancing while holding a cup of tea” trick.

Joe from Sweden, a perceptive man

Tue, 19 Aug 2008 00:00:00 +0000

The country balls on the left of this entry apparently reflect the visitor ratio for today. If you are reading this on the 19th July 2008 then you will probably see that Sweden has a big ball (there is a joke there somewhere but I can’t find it). If you are reading this on some other day, then let me tell you, it looked like this:

Once

Tue, 19 Aug 2008 00:00:00 +0000

What cost $160,000 to make, featured two people that had never acted before, won an Oscar, the Sundance audience award and prompted Steven Spielberg to say that the movie “gave me enough inspiration to last the rest of the year”?

The answer is Once, a story of a week in the life of a couple who meet in Dublin, told mainly through the medium of the songs they sing. It’s a charming enough little story, but it is the songs that really shine, written and performed by the two musicians who play the lead roles.

A van full of relatives

Mon, 18 Aug 2008 00:00:00 +0000

It was at my wedding that I discovered that she who must be obeyed has a massive family. Seems like it was a bit of a surprise to her too. I would be introduced to Auntie Nong, and when Auntie Nong had drifted away in the general direction of the food I would ask my new wife “who is Auntie Nong?” She had no idea, had seen her a couple of times but did not know where she fitted into the family tree, if at all. Clearly the concept of family in Thailand is fluid, hang around long enough and you can be an Auntie or an Uncle and will then be invited to family gathering where you can eat and drink too much and talk on your mobile phone at a high volume throughout the proceedings.

Over the years there have been occasions when I have met with various family members. I am told in advance who they are. “Khun X is married to Khun Y who is the second sister of Khun Z who was friends with my father’s brother’s niece.” I let all this wash over me and just give them a smile, realising I will never understand exactly where they fit in the family hierarchy. In some cases I suspect she who must be obeyed doesn’t know either, she just invents a complicated story which I will not have the energy to query.

Thankfully we rarely have family visits. Thankfully, not because any of her family are less than charming, but because my total lack of Thai language skills means I am left sitting like a dummy while everyone else has a good chat and laughs a lot. I’m useless. But when we do have visits, I have learned it is best not to try and get involved in the organisation of the visit; I just let her get on with it and turn up and do the smiling/sitting like a dummy act when required. Then if (when) everything goes pear-shaped, it’s not my fault. I may be useless, but I’m a natural leader.

Last weekend we were to be descended upon by eight family members and a driver, in a van. The plan was that five women would stay in our spare room and three men in a nearby hotel. Apparently the driver would live in the van. In my less experienced days I would have queried how on earth we were going to fit five people into a room with one bed. But this would just lead to arguments, ructions and repercussions, all of which I can do without. So I agreed enthusiastically and in due course reason prevailed and they were all booked to stay in the hotel, including the driver. In such cases it is important not to indulge in “I told you so” gloating; or at least not until the occasion has passed and there is no chance of five women being moved back into your spare room as a form of revenge. You live and you learn.

With the sleeping arrangements sorted, it was a pleasant enough weekend, mainly because I did not have to be involved in it too much. They went on the beach and into the sea and I took a few photos. This one is of an Auntie who lives in Germany with her daughter who is half German and they have not been back to Thailand for twelve years. Amazing the facts I can absorb.

Four months, 100 cities and a surfeit of bollocks

Mon, 18 Aug 2008 00:00:00 +0000

Cleaning out my mail this morning and I discover that it is exactly four months since I received a message from Wordpress to tell me that my Pattaya Days blog had been created. This coincides nicely with the reminder I receive from Billy that more than 100 cities (some with rather dubious city status) have residents that have visited here, although that only covers the last five days since I installed the display.

Me vs. Jon Bon Jovi? No contest

Mon, 18 Aug 2008 00:00:00 +0000

Dinner in the Beer Hoff on beach road and the “Pavarotti and friends” is showing on the overhead screens. One of the friends is Jon Bon Jovi and she who must be obeyed expresses an opinion that he is gorgeous; and I have to admit that he is not a bad looking guy.

So, what would you do if he walked in now and chatted you up, I asked. Nothing, she said; he could get down on his knees next to me and offer me the world and I would not go with him. Because I love you and don’t want to be with anyone else.

Darling, I've buggered your phone

Fri, 15 Aug 2008 00:00:00 +0000

She who must be obeyed has two phones. This is a deliberate ploy to annoy me, because whichever phone I call first, she never answers and I have to call the other one. One phone has a call scheme which offers free calls all day, the other is cheaper in the evening, or something like that. I have long lost track as to the rationale for the two phones. I just know that, in spite of the undoubtedly deranged strategy, they cost her a load of money in calls every month and that she regularly forgets to carry both of them, or either of them. One phone is a generic Nokia piece of junk, the other is an iPhone.

Whatever your feeling about Apple, or an iPhone, there is no doubt that the boys and girls from Cupertino are reasonably competent at design. The iPhone is designed to be easy to use, and indeed it is. This ease of use includes the application icons; crisp, clear and easy to identify.

Not another toilet-related post? Yes.

Fri, 15 Aug 2008 00:00:00 +0000

I understand that there have been some complaints that this blog tends to over-emphasise lavatorial matters at the expense of, say, photos of young ladies wearing insufficient clothing. It is with some trepidation therefore that I feel it my duty to provide an update on the ongoing saga of the broken loo.

But I know some of you, like me, have been losing sleep over this matter; so I thought you would like to know that the errant bog has now been fixed. Yesterday I collected my 6,800 baht box of toilet-related bits from the shop. My very best mate at the shop, Khun Boonlert, was all set to come and help me install the parts, but I chose to tackle the job myself.

Took about an hour of wrestling and banging to remove all the old parts, and about the same amount of time to install the replacements. The job would have taken much less time if one cat had not attempted to swallow a brass washer and the other had not fallen into the toilet bowl. Twice. They always like to help and they always manage to hinder.

Turned on the water and it filled and it flushed. Four times, just to make sure. Looks rather splendid too, none of this plastic nonsense that you get nowadays; solid brass engineering, none of which I understand.

A real floating market

Thu, 14 Aug 2008 00:00:00 +0000

To the south of Pattaya there is a new development underway called The Village. Shops, Restaurants, fast food outlets such as KFC and McDonalds, and a floating market. Oh dear.

The floating market will be a smelly pond with plastic boats containing bored and underpaid staff dressed in an approximation of traditional Thai clothing. They will be selling plastic-wrapped snacks and cheap plastic trinkets to hoards of bussed-in tourists who will take a load of photos and be convinced they have had a real Thai experience.

In times gone by, many areas of Thailand were crossed by a network of canals (klongs). People lived on the canals and, from time to time, they would paddle their little wooden boats to an agreed spot where they would barter goods with each other, and sell produce to people living in the area. Many of the canals are now gone, but the area around Samut Songkram is still lined with canals, and consequently there are a number of floating markets which can be visited. Sadly most of these are maintained to cater to tourists. Half the boats on the water are carrying assorted stuff to sell to the tourists, the other half are carrying tourists who are trying to photograph the stuff-carrying boats without getting another boat full of tourists in the background of the shot.

On Tuesday afternoon we stumbled upon the town of Ampawa, along with several thousand Thais who had decided to spend the national holiday having a day out from Bangkok. The place was heaving, especially in the market on and around the river.

Health and Safety Standards?

Thu, 14 Aug 2008 00:00:00 +0000

In my previous life I worked for an oil company whose obsession with health and safety consumed many hours of our time and millions of dollars; but lives were certainly saved. No compromises were made for working in Thailand; our Thai staff were properly trained, appropriately equipped and had no problem operating to international standards.

Sadly this is not the case in most operations in Thailand. See if you can spot the safety helmets and boots on a construction site in Pattaya. There may be a sign saying “Safety First” at the entrance to the site, but there should be some additional lettering underneath that says “But only if it doesn’t cost us any money or time.”

Today I passed a crew on Pattaya Tai who were attempting to do something with a large concrete pole. The pole appeared to have become entangled in the (no doubt live) electricity cables.

Marketing on rails

Wed, 13 Aug 2008 00:00:00 +0000

Our last trip had a theme of rocks and flowers, this time we were on the hunt for markets.

On the road at 0700 and we are on the way out of Pattaya when Nik asks me about the route we will take (why is he asking me? I am the driver, I just go where I am told).

What route? I enquire

Remember, I lent you the guide book and some notes on locations?

Ah…..yes.

And you said you had worked out a route.

Did I….? I don’t remember (Clearly I had said “yes’ to one of his questions, but I don’t remember being asked about working out a route.)

Never mind, where is the guide book and the notes? I will work out a route.

Ah…

Not only had I forgotten about being asked about the route, I had also forgotten he had given me the guide book and the notes. So we turned round and went back to the condo to collect them. Not a good start.

Never mind, in a couple of hours we were through Bangkok and on our way to Samut Songkram where Nik had identified a most unusual market. At first glance it just looks like any other busy market in Thailand:

Eschborn, city of culture

Mon, 11 Aug 2008 00:00:00 +0000

Well, it must be, because according to the little display on the left of this page, I have had more visits over the past couple of days from Eschborn than from any other city on the planet.

As we all know, Eschborn is in the state of Hesse and nestles beneath the Taunus mountains in Germany. The population of only 20,000 is noted as being highly intellectual and receptive to creative writing and photography.

On the road again

Mon, 11 Aug 2008 00:00:00 +0000

Tomorrow morning, at the ungodly hour of 0600, I will be heading off for a couple of days photography. My turn to drive and I have spent the afternoon loading 14 hours of classic music tracks onto my iPhone, from Anggun to Zwan via Daft Punk, Fiona Apple and My Chemical Romance. Nik is about to be aurally enhanced (in my opinion).

We are heading somewhere between Bangkok and Hua Hin and have a number of locations identified; or at least Nik has. He thinks we can do it all in a day, I think we will be back on Wednesday. If anything exciting happens, I will attempt a blog entry via iPhone; otherwise, normal rubbish will be resumed later in the week.

One trick pony

Sun, 10 Aug 2008 00:00:00 +0000

Off to take some photos of a couple of foals. Should be an easy assignment. They will stand in a field like little angels and I will snap them in an artistic manner.

Doesn’t work like that. Every time I line up a shot I find my viewfinder full of horse, as in ten centimetre away horse. If I linger, I find my camera is serious danger of being eaten. I am licked, chewed, aggressively nuzzled and there is a degree of leg lashing. If I move to another position, it is immediately occupied by a camera-hungry horse. The only possible shots are those of a horse bearing down at speed on a man with a camera, with an intent to be disruptive.

The Mummy: Curse of the absymal movie

Sun, 10 Aug 2008 00:00:00 +0000

Having dragged she who must be obeyed to Bangkok last week to watch The Dark Knight for a second time, it was only reasonable to take her to watch a movie of her choice last night. But what a choice….

The first Mummy movie, almost ten years ago, was a load of fun. A different take on the Indiana Jones type adventure with a witty script and plenty of action. And Rachel Weisz.

Two Thousand Monks

Sun, 10 Aug 2008 00:00:00 +0000

To celebrate the Queen’s birthday, thousands of Pattaya residents converged on Pattaya North Road this morning to give offerings to 2,000 monks. By 0630 the road was already packed with people, including Nik and yours truly.

A dickhead in the pool

Sat, 09 Aug 2008 00:00:00 +0000

I am sent a photo by Craig with the caption as above. No further comment necessary.

Ocean 1, an unbelievable rate of progress

Sat, 09 Aug 2008 00:00:00 +0000

Time for a our monthly update on the construction of Ocean 1 tower, the 91 floor mega-condo which will change the skyline of Jomtien for ever. Originally planned to start construction in 2006, there have been some delays, such that, as of two months ago, construction had still not started.

But what a change there has been over the past few weeks! Rather than detailing all the exciting work on the construction site, just compare the two photos below. One was taken two months ago and the other was taken this morning. It’s easy to spot which is which!

At this rate of progress it is difficult to estimate just how long it will be before the wise investors can move into their new condos.

The meaning of life

Sat, 09 Aug 2008 00:00:00 +0000

We have been blessed with some wind over the past few days, and Thursday afternoon provided us with the first substantial blow (no Ghost, not that sort of blow) for more than two months. Onto the sea with a smallish sail to experience that special moment when the board lifts up onto the plane, the sail fills with power, and suddenly I am whizzing across the top of the waves at more than 40 kph. It’s a sublime feeling and I can’t help just screaming and hollering at the pure pleasure of the moment. The waves were reasonably substantial and the wind direction allowed me to run down and along the waves, which made the experience even more enjoyable. If you have never done it, you will have no idea what I am on about; but it’s the reason why those who windsurf are willing to spend long afternoons at WTFW (Where’s The Fucking Wind?) club meetings on the beach, just waiting for the time when the wind will arrive and give us the feelings we crave. I’ve been doing this for twenty years now, and I still get the same buzz as I did when I started. (Actually, when I started, all I got was bloody knees, near drowning, and endless frustration; but eventually you learn). I dread the day, which will eventually arrive, when I will no longer be able to windsurf, but until that day comes, this sport is what really makes me come alive.*

Yesterday was not as windy and a good deal more gusty. After an hour or so of windsurfing I took a shower and brought out the camera. There was a young Thai guy kite surfing who was very aware of the camera and kept sailing much closer than my telephoto lens could manage.

Inside the biker's den. Shocking revelations

Fri, 08 Aug 2008 00:00:00 +0000

Dinner with the bikers! Having photographed the bike racers every month for the last year or so, I am finally invited to their inner sanctum for a group meeting. This is a big deal and I am not sure I am up to the challenge. They are hardened hard men who bite the heads off chickens for recreational purposes, break bones on a weekly basis and have road rash burns over more than 80% of their bodies. I, on the other hand, am a wimp. Still, I must do my best.

What to wear? I recall stories of bikers wearing jeans that have been soaked in urine, for reasons that are not obvious. Should I pee on my jeans before I go? I settle for having a pee and then putting on my jeans, not quite so radical but considerably less smelly.

The time given is 20.00, but I am sure that many of those attending will stop off on the way for a little pillaging, or will have inserted themselves and their bikes into walls, and will have to be extracted. So I arrive a little late to discover everyone is there and the party is in full swing. A biker’s moll is stirring a large pot of what I assume to entrails and assorted body parts. The bikers are drinking blood, no doubt some local virgin (now, there’s a challenge) has been sacrificed for the purpose. There is music playing, probably a death-thrash-metal band advocating revolution.

Then the preconceptions start to crumble. The pot of entrails turns out to be a most excellent chili con carne. The blood is actually a 2002 Napa Valley Merlot exhibiting ripe plum and berry fruit flavors balanced with soft tannins and smoky oak. The music, god help us all, is Shakin’ Stevens.

After dinner, we sit out by the pool where the conversation ranges across a variety of subjects, none of them bike related. This is all turning out to be a bit of a let-down. Then, a chance for devilment. The neighbour’s poodle puppy strays into our area. Surely someone will grab a convenient stick, ram it up the puppy’s bum and proclaim that we have something with which to scrub the dishes. But no, instead the poodle is taken upon a lap and give a thorough stroking.

Anyone seen my cow?

Wed, 06 Aug 2008 00:00:00 +0000

Dragged up to Nik’s condo this morning on some flimsy excuse, the real reason being he wants to show off his Mac Pro with two monitors (again), this time using Photoshop. Yes, it is impressive; yes, I want one; yes, he is a bastard.

I mention the plea from one of our readers (Mr. Billy) for a closer look at Nik’s tasteful photographs of the stream of young ladies who pass through his condo doors on an almost daily basis. The request is understandably declined, but I am given a couple of shots which he took during a wander down Walking Street. This young lady looks like she needs some cows to herd.

Give him a big hand

Wed, 06 Aug 2008 00:00:00 +0000

Nik’s second offering is of a young man who has made a reasonable attempt at transforming himself into a woman. Sadly there is not much he can do about those massive hands.

A desirable keyboard, and slipper abominations

Tue, 05 Aug 2008 00:00:00 +0000

After I advise she who must be obeyed that umbalas are not showing themselves on a regular basis, I am ordered to report to MK for lunch where large numbers of vegetables are ordered, cooked and ingested. We await the results.

After lunch we tarry near a stand selling assorted crap, all adorned with Little Kitty or Doreamon symbols. I don’t understand the Asian female fascination with these characters, but she has an extensive collection of Doreamon videos, and her car would be covered in Little Kitty stickers if she thought she could get away with it.

But I must admit being drawn to a pink keyboard, with pinky red keys and Little Kitty effigies everywhere.

A monumental erection

Tue, 05 Aug 2008 00:00:00 +0000

Walking street, a Pattaya icon and a great place to hang out if you want to see some interesting and unusual people passing by. Also a great place to meet young ladies, and young men who think they are ladies; unless you have a wife with a particularly sharp kitchen knife; which I do.

For many years there has been an illuminated sign at the start of Walking Street.

An open letter to Adobe

Tue, 05 Aug 2008 00:00:00 +0000

Dear Abobe,

The three people who read Pattaya Days on a regular basis are aware that I have been struggling to give you some money for a piece of software I wished to upgrade. If you are interested in the background, which I am sure you are not, you can read here and here.

To continue: Having been thwarted by a website undergoing maintenance, The Ghost attempted to purchase the required licence at a later time. To cut a very long story short, he ended up talking to someone in India who told him that, even though he had a valid American credit card, and a valid American address which was linked to that card, he wasn’t allowed to purchase the software because he just happened to be sitting at a computer in Thailand.

Baby, you can flick my switch

Sun, 03 Aug 2008 00:00:00 +0000

Another offering from Jock, no doubt taken from his days hanging around go-go bars in Pattaya. Contrary to normal custom, I assume that ‘up’ is ‘on’.

Too small for my bum

Sun, 03 Aug 2008 00:00:00 +0000

A day trip to Bangkok with the express intention of watching The Dark Knight again, this time on an Imax screen. Left home at 0810 and had parked in the Emporium by 0930; easy driving on a Sunday. Down to Paragon and spent a thoroughly satisfying two and half hours absorbing Mr. Nolan’s masterpiece on a very BIG screen.

After the movie, it seemed only fair to let she who must be obeyed have some shop browsing time, so I sat and drank a juice while she assaulted the types of shops women normally assault. Before we went home I decided I needed to pay a visit to the Paragon toilets, and I came out of them very displeased. The seat was far too low, the seat was far too small and my delicate bum was substantially overflowing the edges; not the sort of facility one should expect at Bangkok’s smartest shopping centre.

Get a Mac Pro and watch it go

Sat, 02 Aug 2008 00:00:00 +0000

I can start this entry in the same way as I started a previous offering.

A frustrating day. A day of high winds where I should have been bouncing off waves with a jellyfish attached to my head at a jaunty angle.

And indeed I had spotted the wind and had just changed into a rather fetching pair of light blue beach shorts with pink stripes (don’t blame me, she who must be obeyed chooses all my clothes). About to head out for the beach and the phone rings. It is Nik, my recent travelling companion, fellow condo owner and camera enthusiast. “I’ve just spent 102,000 baht on a Mac Pro and I am heading back to the condo” was his message. Sod the wind, I had to see this.

Nik has been struggling with computers for a long time. Like me, he uses Lightroom for managing and processing his thousands of photos. Unlike me, he tries to do it on a Windoze machine; and so everything………. happens………..very………. slowly. I kept calling him up saying “get a Mac”; and so after much consideration, he went out and bought a brand new desktop running Vista. Everything happened even slower. I mocked.

Since then, he has been struggling with assorted crashes, slowdowns and general disasters. Then, yesterday, things came to a head. He had had a little friend to visit for the evening (he was unable to recall her name), and had taken some photos of her. They were very large files (about 60MB each), and his machine just stuttered to a halt. It was at this point that he grabbed his credit card, marched down to iStudio and demanded a Mac Pro.

Back at the condo and we unpacked the beast. Two CPUs, eight cores and constructed like a tank, albeit like a very elegant aluminium tank which has picked up an award or two from the tank design institute.

Lunch with The Ghost

Sat, 02 Aug 2008 00:00:00 +0000

One the most popular bloggers in Thailand, The Ghost, is a man of mystery. Who is this shadowy figure who darts from bar to bar to bring us the latest news from sin city? Does he really exist, or is he just a mythical figure conjured up by parents to frighten the children?

Well, I just had lunch with him; and I can reveal all. He is of moderate height, of moderate build and with a shoe size that I would estimate as 10-ish. His nationality is irrelevant and he speaks with a slight accent, could be of Moroccan descent, or Australian. His real name is Morris and his favourite colour is onyx yellow. So now you know.

He is a fine chap and good company, and had kindly offered to assist me with my on-going battle to give some cash to Adobe. Our efforts were thwarted by Adobe taking down their website for maintenance; but we had a good chat and were treated to the sight of car in the Tuk Com car park which had developed super-magnetic properties and attracted the attention of a nearby structure.

Cereal Killer

Fri, 01 Aug 2008 00:00:00 +0000

The news is running with blood. A man decapitated on a bus in Canada. A girl chopped up and put into a suitcase in Brazil. Honeymooners attacked in Antigua. Mass murder and accusations of ethnic cleansing in Pattaya.

Police were called today to a condo in Pattaya to witness the scene of the killing. In the kitchen sink they found traces of multiple bodies. A representative of the affected commune, Khun Adam Ant, told police what had happened.

Apparently the owner of the condo, legally known as Spike, but referred to by his wife as Haveyoudoneityet, was in the habit of eating a breakfast of cereal, banana and yoghurt. He then placed the empty bowl in the kitchen sink and deliberately left it there for several hours while he disappeared into a back room to “write my stupid blog.” The bowl, encrusted with breakfast residue, was inevitably visited by large numbers of the commune who could not resist the flavours on offer.

Without warning, Spike would return to the kitchen, utter a war cry which sounded something like “furkinants!”, and would then immerse the bowl in hot soapy water, thus murdering the commune members. Khun Adam explained that this ritual slaying had been going on for years, but this morning things had taken a sickening and perverted turn for the worse when Spike had photographed his innocent victims before butchering them in cold blood (or rather, in hot soap).

Fried insects with percussion soundtrack

Fri, 01 Aug 2008 00:00:00 +0000

Hell of a noise outside the condo; turns out to be a character selling fried insects and attracting customers with loud music supported by cymbals and drums. Judging by the photos on his cart, he is a bit of a character who has led an interesting life.

Almost completely dark, so shots are not the clearest.

Laugh at a graph

Fri, 01 Aug 2008 00:00:00 +0000

The point of this blog, if there is any point at all, is to share my mundane and pointless existence in a manner which is intended to provide myself with light amusement on occasion. If you, gentle reader, are also amused, then the world is a slightly better place. It is therefore not my intention to use these pages as a mechanism for thrusting other offerings from the wide wide world of web upon you; you are quite capable of doing that for yourself.

However, as I have spent the last two hours giggling at the contents of Graphjam; it seems churlish not to share this witty gem with you. Some knowledge of popular culture required, amusement guaranteed. Here are some I enjoyed:

From our roving correspondent

Thu, 31 Jul 2008 00:00:00 +0000

Actually, from our commuting correspondent. On her way to work this morning, she who must be obeyed almost ran into a boat. Would have made for an interesting insurance claim.

Adobe and my toilet are both full of it

Wed, 30 Jul 2008 00:00:00 +0000

A frustrating day. A day of high winds where I should have been bouncing off waves with a jellyfish attached to my head at a jaunty angle.

Instead, the morning started with a meeting with our condo managers to review progress on various projects. One of these is the complete overhaul of our waste management system which is planned to start in a couple of weeks time. The work will go on for twelve days and there will be a lot of noise and it is going to be smelly. I have further details, but you really don’t want to know.

Another day, another development

Tue, 29 Jul 2008 00:00:00 +0000

There are no shortage of crappy areas in Pattaya, and one of them is the area around Bali Hai pier. The pier itself is under constant siege from tour buses disgorging sweaty tourists who have unwittingly signed up for a boring chug across the bay in a dilapidated boat (keep an eye on the inadequate supply of life jackets folks, you may need to grab one), before being dumped for several hours onto the over-crowded and over-priced beaches of Koh Larn.

Moving south from the pier there is a huge boat park where noisy, belching tractors spend the day launching and recovering garishly painted boats. The park is a pleasant place for an evening stroll, provided you enjoy walking on oil-greasy tarmac whilst inhaling the pungent aroma that only the mixture of diesel and boat boy piss can provide.

Once you can negotiate your way around the traffic jam of buses, tractors and vendors selling junk, this is an area to escape from as quickly as possible. Or, if you are prepared to pay upwards of 95,000 baht per square metre, you can buy a condo in The Waterfront and enjoy the mayhem twenty four hours a day.

Actually, it should be called the smelly-boatyard-front because it will not front onto the water (development in red):

Burning down the house

Mon, 28 Jul 2008 00:00:00 +0000

Or, more exactly, the pier.

A friend in the UK sent me this photograph he took this morning of the pier at Weston-Super-Mare going up in flames:

The return of the boss

Mon, 28 Jul 2008 00:00:00 +0000

She who must be obeyed returned home last night, bearing big hugs and a large box of Vietnamese food. I deviated from my diet of the last few days (sandwiches, beer and snacks), and we went to MK for dinner.

For those who don’t know, MK is a Thai institution with thousands of branches across the country. You get a pot of hot stock and you purchase stuff to throw into the pot and cook. They also do plates of duck which are as good as you will find anywhere. The boss chooses the food, and there is usually too much. After a time she will announce that she is full and “the rest is for you.” When I can’t finish it I get into trouble for wasting food. But the food is tasty, the service is quick and the price is reasonable.

Looking like an idiot

Sat, 26 Jul 2008 00:00:00 +0000

Currently at the winsurfing club where the presence of jellyfish makes some discard all pretensions of style.

-blogged from the iPhone-

Comments 🔗

2008-07-26 | Billy says

must have a pair, always wanted shorts that looked as if I had just crapped myself

2008-07-26 | Spike says

That’s easy. Buy an ordinary pair of shorts. Crap in them. Done.

Smooth moves, up on a SUP

Sat, 26 Jul 2008 00:00:00 +0000

Down to the windsurfing club where the surf was up but the wind had gone. But Craig was out on the water with the SUP and looking good playing in the surf.

The sickening sound of shattered glass

Sat, 26 Jul 2008 00:00:00 +0000

Another day of store room tidying left me tired, sweaty and needing a beer. It also included one of those moments where your heart sinks and you feel slightly sick; like when Jock wakes up in the morning next to someone he can never remember meeting, let alone spending the night with. Again.

I have three cameras and too many lenses and I love them all dearly. Keep them lying around on a shelf in this humidity and you will soon find that new and exciting life forms will have evolved on the lens glass. Mould may be scientifically fascinating, but it makes a mess of your equipment. So everything lives in a humidity controlled “dry cabinet”. 46% is the magic number. More humidity and you get wet mould, less humidity and you get dry mould; or at least that is what the purveyors of dry cabinets would have you believe.

The dry cabinet had to be taken out of the storeroom. I opened it, took out the tray of cameras and put the tray on the table. I put the tray of lenses on the table. And I put the remaining two large lenses on the table between the two trays to stop them rolling away. Then I moved the cabinet. So far, so good. Then I put the tray of cameras back in the cabinet. Then there was a loud crash as one of my large lenses rolled off the table and hit the tiled floor.

That was when I had my “Jock woke up in the morning next to what looked like a horse” moment. I picked up the lens and there was the sound of broken glass tumbling around inside which promoted another moment which in Jock terms would equate to “and it appears that I didn’t use a condom; and where did this wedding ring come from?”

This was, up to that moment, my best lens. Fifty thousand baht’s worth of light grey Canon gorgeousness. It appeared that it was now a light grey tube full of bits of glass. I took off the lens cover and shards of glass fell on the floor. I left them for the cats to clear up, this was no time to be tidy. However, it appeared that only the screw-on filter on the front of the lens was actually broken. Amazing, but would the lens still work? A quick shot out of the window indicated that mechanically all was in order; although a more thorough test was required. It’s a bit like when you drop a baby on it’s head. It appears to still be functional; but you have to wait until it is a teenager to discover whether or not the impact has permanently damaged the brain and made it enjoy Country and Western music. Actually, it’s not like that at all. But I did need to test the lens some more.

So this morning I went out and took a few shots. They are finally making progress at widening Theppraya Road. Shop owners suddenly found that the road in front of them had disappeared and, if they walked out of the shop they would fall two metres into the dirt. The contractors resolved the problem by piling earth to fill in the gap. Then the next day they decided they needed the earth somewhere else and took it away. Now the contractors have plastered some cement against the crumbling mini-cliff and given them wooden ladders. Not very inviting for customers and only a matter of time before the whole edifice collapses.

A plea for more breasts

Thu, 24 Jul 2008 00:00:00 +0000

An immediate, alcohol-fuelled reaction from The Ghost to my exquisite and hard-won biking shots of yesterday.

Whilst previously praising my photographic prowess, it is clear that The Ghost only wants to see photographs if there are breasts attached to the subject matter. I suspect he is not alone in this (Jock?). So as a sop to the more raucous elements of our readership…..

Death for possible jaywalking.

Thu, 24 Jul 2008 00:00:00 +0000

A local businessman was gunned down outside his shop in Pattaya yesterday. Apparently he was involved in a number of illegal activities, one of which pissed someone off sufficiently to order the hit.

Today the police gave more details on these activities: “Illegal activities engaged in by the victim included money lending, gambling, drug dealing, adultery, and possible jaywalking.”

It’s clear to me that the “possible jaywalking” is the heinous crime which led inevitably to murder. Mind where you walk people, it’s a dangerous world out there.

Never lie to your wife (without prior planning)

Thu, 24 Jul 2008 00:00:00 +0000

In a previous life I spent many years living in different countries, each for a period of around three years. At the end of each assignment, my worldly possessions were dumped into a container and despatched to the next country earmarked to gain the benefit of my minimal skills.

Such an existence forces you to minimise the retention of rubbish. When packing to move to another country you are forced to ask yourself whether you really need to keep the last eleven years issues of Practical Wall Building (and the answer would be ‘yes’, of course). There was always an element of pruning involved, so when I finally moved to Pattaya, it was with only the essentials to support life. Unfortunately, my life support includes a number of stuff-intensive hobbies, all of which contributed to the filling of the two store rooms in my condo.

In the five years I have been here, things have only got worse. Partly my fault, but also due to the burgeoning bag and shoe collection of she who must be obeyed; plus several forests worth of MBA documentation which still lies around the place, even though she finished the course months ago.

So we have two full store rooms, plus a “computer room” which is overflowing with junk. There is a plan to refurbish the computer room. My plan is to install a Mac Pro in it. Her plan is to replace the floor, paint it, and install custom furniture; all of which I am in favour of if it includes space for a Mac Pro. But before we can start we have to sort out our storage. To give you an idea of the extent of the problem, here is the carefully ordered storeroom at the back of the condo.

A day at the races

Wed, 23 Jul 2008 00:00:00 +0000

Another morning shooting the bike boys at Bira. Seven hundred photos edited down to three hundred and fifty by the end of the afternoon.

Living in a box

Wed, 23 Jul 2008 00:00:00 +0000

So you get an expensive piece of land not far from the sea. Now you need to design a classy house to go on your prime piece of real estate. Something that reeks of style, subtly reflecting the Asian environment whilst offering the best of European living. A house you can be proud of.

Alternatively, throw up a white box with slit windows (or in places, no windows), festooned with air conditioners and with a flat roof to maximise the interior heating. Leave no space for a garden. Then kill yourself, it’s the only honourable thing to do.

Greetings from my iPhone

Tue, 22 Jul 2008 00:00:00 +0000

Just to prove it can be done, this post is being written on my phone and will be uploaded directly to Pattaya Days.

At least that is the theory behind the free application I have just downloaded from those very nice Wordpress people. If you are not reading this, it didn’t work.

Comments 🔗

2008-07-22 | Billy says

Neat …. now there is absolutely no escape …. tried to dowload it to my Touch this morning, when I was informed by iTunes that there was a “problem” with my last payment …

R.I.P. Grandpa

Tue, 22 Jul 2008 00:00:00 +0000

Found she who must be obeyed in the bedroom this morning, extracting black clothing from the wardrobe and looking a little weepy. She had just found out that her grandpa had passed away in the night.

I met him once or twice and he was a stoic old chap. This morning the wife told me he had never been seriously ill in his life, but he had certainly had medical attention at one point because he was missing an arm. This didn’t seem to stop him going about his business and being independent. Last night he went to sleep and didn’t wake up, which is the way all of us would like to go (although I do have a fantasy about driving into a motorway bridge at 200 mph in a Ferrari, with Jennifer Love Hewitt having just attended to a primal urge in an imaginative manner, nano-seconds before we hit the concrete).

Shameless self-promotion

Tue, 22 Jul 2008 00:00:00 +0000

The Ghost has been kind enough to alert me to the fact that the assorted outpourings of rubbish known as the Pattaya Days blog, has been listed The Top 100 Thailand Blogs.

Actually, the title is thankfully misleading, because last time I looked there were 155 sites listed and this site was simmering under the top 100 at 116th place. This is not good enough; it clearly deserves to be in the top 110 at the very least.

Hormonal holiday

Mon, 21 Jul 2008 00:00:00 +0000

After a whole week of employment with her new employer, she who must be obeyed shatters my dreams of a weekly doubling of the salary by announcing she intends staying with the same company for the foreseeable future (i.e. Tuesday). She also luxuriates in the prospect of two days off and we start the break with a trip out for breakfast and coffee, after which I am banished to the chairs in Royal Garden mall while she checks out the sales in case there is anything she wants to buy with the salary she hasn’t got yet. After that we head for some food stalls where she purchases bags of food to take to the windsurfing club to share with her friends.

Techno-fear followed by Techno-joy

Mon, 21 Jul 2008 00:00:00 +0000

As I think I may have mentioned before, I love my iPhone. Now there is a new model, which is currently costing stupid money in Thailand, even if you can find one. It doesn’t do much more than the old version; but it does have new software which allows access to a store full of applications, many of them free.

Of course my iPhone was comprehensively hacked by the boys in Bangkok to enable it to be used in Thailand; so I could wait until they had sorted out a way to hack the new software, and then travel to Bangkok and leave it with them for three hours while they fiddled with it and gave it back to me, kindly filled with Thai ringtones, music and movies; all of which I always ask them not to install; but they do anyway.

Spike does the Pattaya marathon

Sun, 20 Jul 2008 00:00:00 +0000

The aching feet, the screaming muscles, the miles of hard, hard pavement. Such are the trials of a marathon runner. Not that I would know. When I write “Spike does the Pattaya marathon”, it doesn’t mean I actually ran it, just like Debbie didn’t actually do Dallas.

What I did do was crawl out of bed at 0630, sleepily point the camera at a few runners, and then crawl back into bed again. It was raining, I got wet. My camera got wet. I was not awake enough to check my camera before I started and all the shots were under-exposed. Bollocks. Marathons suck.

The happy and the grumpy:

Wake up

Sun, 20 Jul 2008 00:00:00 +0000

Heading south out of Pattaya on Sukhumvit, you will find a water park. A large pond with elevated cables running round it. Strap on a wakeboard and be dragged round the pond, and if you are good enough, jump off the conveniently placed ramp.

The Qur'an, Iran and Batman

Sat, 19 Jul 2008 00:00:00 +0000

One of the joys of torrents is that you have access to a wide range of programmes. I like to download documentaries on subjects I know little about, and a UK Channel 4 offering called “The Qur’an” seemed a suitable offering for my education.

So I settled down with my post-breakfast cup of coffee for my half hour briefing session; only to discover it was a two hour programme. But it was endlessly fascinating stuff. The maker did not take any sides, just let scholars, clerics and ordinary people express their opinions. Some of it I already knew, most Muslims see the Qur’an as encouraging caring and tolerance, with a minority using it to foster violence. The latter fuel their view of a militant Islam with a perception that “the west” has consistently meddled with their nations for too many years and that it is time to fight back. Sadly, they have a point.

Apple, keeping abreast of technology

Fri, 18 Jul 2008 00:00:00 +0000

Thanks to Jock who has sent me information on the latest innovative product from Apple. Hot on the heels of the Macbook Air and the iPhone 3G; something truly new which certainly looks inviting.

Dutch dilemnas

Thu, 17 Jul 2008 00:00:00 +0000

Before I came to Thailand I lived in Holland. Prior to Holland I had lived for about ten years in various countries in Asia, so going back to Europe was a shock. Not just the lousy weather and the absence of smiling people, but also the absence of domestic support. Living in Asia I had had a wife and the wife had had a maid. When I no longer had a wife, I still had the maid (but not in the biblical sense) and the magical transaction, where you threw your dirty clothes in a basket and they came back a day later pressed and smelling nice, continued to function.

Arriving in rainy Holland I moved into a small condo, unpacked the clothes basket and started filling it, but nothing happened, the magic had gone. I tried shaking it and castings spells to no avail. So I spent many happy hours working out how to operate a washing machine with Dutch instructions, and even longer in the supermarket deciding what was washing powder and not quick drying cement. There were similar problems finding a bottle of distilled water to use in the iron.

My job was rubbish, a central office position where you were expected to force your inadequate advice onto operating companies who didn’t want it, and then charge them for what they didn’t want. So I had no problem in leaving work promptly and rushing home. Actually the rushing home bit was fun because I had compensated for the crap job, awful weather and no love by buying a metallic purple BMW 328i with every accessory known to man. The music system was so loud that I ripped a door off entering my condo car park without even noticing; although I told people I had destroyed it after four wheel drifting into a tree during an illegal street race.

Anyway, I would rush home, get out the ironing board and watch The Jerry Springer Show, a program of no artistic or cultural merit; but I loved it. While watching the show I would attempt to iron my shirts, each one would take around 30 minutes and I never got it completely correct, probably because I was concentrating on two fat lesbians fighting because one of them had a male gay lover who was confined to a wheelchair.

One evening, known in legend as the night of the changing colours, I was onto my fourth shirt when I noticed that the first was changing from being bright blue to being bright blue with white splotches. And the second green shirt was also displaying tendencies to change hue to the whiter end of the spectrum. It was only then that I noticed that the distilled water steam coming out of the iron had a rather unusual aroma; one that you would normally associate with bleach….

Four ruined shirts later, it dawned on me that, when sourcing distilled water at the supermarket, I had inadvertently purchased a bottle of industrial strength bleach. It had the word “water” on the label, but the other words obviously did not mean “distilled.” Dutch supermarkets are dangerous places for the stupid.

And so it was with some trepidation that I inspected my packet of extra donker bread mix this morning. Luckily the instructions were quite clear.

Doe de aanbevolen hoeveelheid water in de bakvorm Get any type of water apart from bleach and put it in the back room

Voeg daarna de broodmix en de boter toe Stir the breadmix with your toe if you don’t have a spoon handy

Stel de broodbakmachine in op het gewenste programma en start het programma Throw anything you fancy into the bread machine and get with the programme, motherfucker.

Laat het gebakken brood afkoelen op en rooster Give the charcoaled result to a nearby chicken

So I did all of that, apart from the chicken bit, and the end result looks OK and certainly crammed with extra donker. I am now waiting for it to turn white.

Failed lingerie and Christopher Nolan

Thu, 17 Jul 2008 00:00:00 +0000

The traumas of yesterday were to no avail, she who must be obeyed expressed disappointment at the photos I had taken of the lingerie. Apparently, although technically competent, I have no idea how to arrange ladies underwear in such a way that it will be attractive to ladies. I admit that this is true. I think ladies underwear is at it’s most attractive when it has been discarded at random upon the floor, which is pretty much how I arranged it yesterday. Not good enough apparently and eBay sales will be down as a result.

Anyone want to buy a condo?

Wed, 16 Jul 2008 00:00:00 +0000

It’s been a busy few days. A trip with Nik and then a couple of days processing photos, writing this blog and catching a bit of windsurfing. Yesterday I spent all day finishing off the photos of the disco condo shoot, so this morning I was looking for a more leisurely day. Then the wife walks into the room carrying four sets of Playboy lingerie.

This was a bit of a shock at 0730. She knows that mornings are not my time. She knows that evenings are not my time either; and anyway it is not the usual third Thursday in every month, so what is she up to? Turns out she wants me to photograph the lingerie so she can sell them on eBay.

So, after some bracing coffee, out comes the tripod and I try to set up for a shoot. But there is a problem in the form of one of the cats which has an unhealthy interest in my wife’s underwear.

Crysis, what Crysis?

Wed, 16 Jul 2008 00:00:00 +0000

My computer of choice is a 24" iMac and I love it dearly; which is just as well as I spend more time with it than I do my wife (as she reminds me on a regular basis). I also maintain a love/hate (mainly hate) relationship with a Windoze machine which is used for gaming. The installation of new firmware for the motherboard had caused the collapse of XP, and it was time for a fresh install.

Flushed with the acquisition of a new graphics card and CPU, I indulged in an original copy of XP. Of course, being Thailand, it couldn’t be completely legal and it came in a box that indicated that it could only be used by the likes of Dell and Acer for them to install on a new machine. Still, I reckoned I was a computer manufacturer too, so that made it OK.

An install of XP is a painfully slow process. You get blue screen bollocks for ages while it loads all the stuff it needs, then there is an hour or so while it does the install, stuttering as it goes with endless shutdowns and restarts. At some point it even stopped and asked for the 94 character, easy to remember, security code; not something it bothers with when you have a pirated copy.

Then, once XP has finished loading and is sitting there looking all smug with itself; you have to embark upon the process of loading drivers for the graphics card, the sound card and all the other little bits and pieces which most computers apparently don’t have as standard. Usually I can’t find the original disks, and there are probably updates, so I have to download the latest version from the web. But I can’t just connect to the wonderful wide world of web because XP wants to take me through one of it’s endless wizards. The wizard for web access says “Do you want to connect to the web?” and the answer is “Yes you stupid bastard, that is why I started the wizard”, but it just has space for you to click “yes.” Then it does it. Pointless.

Anyway, the install was a success because I only had to do it once and it only took three hours from start to finish. Then another two hours while it uploaded all the updates it could find. Then another hour after it found some more and updated them too. Finally it fell silent and glowered at me. “What do you want to do now? I bet you I’ll fuck it up”, it seemed to say.

Install Crysis, was my answer. And I did.

Crysis has been hailed as an excellent game, but it needs a very high powered machine to run it at the highest resolution. I have a medium powered machine so I run it a fairly high resolution, but it is still a gorgeous thing to behold. If you had to pick things that were difficult to model in a computer you might choose water and foliage; Crysis takes on the challenge by placing most of the game action in a jungle next to the sea.

You start deep in the jungle at sunrise. The trees and leaves are swaying, it is so realistic you expect to meet David Attenborough lurking behind a twig. You climb a hill and find yourself looking over a bay with the water sparkling in the early morning sun. Then the leaves around you disintegrate as bad guys start shooting at you. Then you die, but life was beautiful for a moment.

Help! Help! My genitals are shrinking!

Tue, 15 Jul 2008 00:00:00 +0000

Nik’s free condom is obviously causing him concern. Will it fail him by being too small, (or too big, although he would never admit to being worried about that)?

He passes me some research carried out thirty years ago. The full report is below, but in summary:

Thai men were not using condoms. Supplies imported from America were too large and had to be retained with a piece of string, supplies imported from Korea were too small. Some massage girls were employed to take measurements of their clients in various states of excitement. From this, a design for a Thai condom could be made. The study also discovered that Thai men had sex on average 2.2 times a week* both inside and outside the home*. Two times at the massage parlour and 0.2 times with the wife.

There is also reference to the genital shrinking syndrome epidemic in Thailand in 1976. A bit of research and I found this:

Koro, a psychogenic anxiety syndrome interfering with genital body image and sexual functioning, has hitherto been described as occurring mainly in isolated cases of South Chinese males. The present communication reports an epidemic outbreak in November 1976 in Northeastern Thailand where within a few days at least 200 patients, most of them Thai and two-thirds males, were treated at local hospitals. Main presenting symptoms were acute anxiety, in some cases leading to fainting, (subjective) shrinking of the penis and impotency in men, shrinking and/or itching of the external genitals and frigidity in women; further complaints included initial nausea and dizziness, abdominal pains, headaches, facial numbness. All patients recovered after brief symptomatic intervention. Popular opinion and news media echoed the patients’ paranoid projection of viewing the epidemic as caused by Vietnamese food and tobacco poisoning in a hideous assault against the sexual vitality and general health of the Thai people, in the context of a specific socio-cultural and politico-historical situation.

It’s a well known fact that genital shrinking epidemics occur every 32 years, so I suggest regular checks, and stay away from Vietnamese spring rolls.

Lost and found

Tue, 15 Jul 2008 00:00:00 +0000

Discovered at the local garbage dump, a box containing a brown sock, a toothbrush, two human ears and a foot.

If you have mislaid any of these items please contact City Hall.

Comments 🔗

2008-07-15 | Billy says

Nah, not me, I wouldn’t be seen dead wearing brown socks … I will however check the rest just to be sure ..

2008-07-15 | Spike says

If your glasses are staying on your face, your ears are presumably accounted for.

Stup(p)id T-shirt

Tue, 15 Jul 2008 00:00:00 +0000

Passing a shop in Big C Festival that sells Monkey See branded goods, I am attracted to a T-shirt which proclaims that the wearer is “allergic to stuppid people.”

iPhone sold out in your country? Come to Pattaya

Mon, 14 Jul 2008 00:00:00 +0000

Passing through the Tuk Com centre last week and the guys in the shop that sells iPhones were looking glum. They had sold out of the old model, and had no idea when the new model would be arriving. Given that it was not going to be available officially in other parts of the world until last Friday, it could be months before supplies leak into Thailand.

Past the shop this morning, a mere three days after the new iPhone has sold out in many countries, and smiles were evident, as was a large sign saying “new model iPhone.” Coming in 3-4 days they said. God knows where they get them from, but there is no limit to Asian ingenuity when there is money to be made.

Minus one windsurf board, plus one SUP

Mon, 14 Jul 2008 00:00:00 +0000

We have far too many windsurfing boards. With the wife now working, it seems sensible that we should sell her board. I should re-phrase that first sentence; I have too many windsurfing boards. She has one, and it is now for sale. And here it is (this is a photo of the actual board):

More funds for handbags

Mon, 14 Jul 2008 00:00:00 +0000

After little more than a week of employment, she who must be obeyed came home and announced she was leaving (the job, not me). The reason for her departure was mainly due to the fact that another company had called her and offered her more than twice her current salary. In addition, the company she was currently with was not advertising properties in the local media because they “had run out of budget”, which meant that commission earning potential was much reduced. In a gesture that reflected the level of loyalty that one week’s employment generates, she walked out of the office and dropped them an email later to tell them she would not be coming back.

Road trip report - part 2

Mon, 14 Jul 2008 00:00:00 +0000

At the end of part 1, our heroes were sweaty and tired after an afternoon clambering around a boulder field and getting up close and personal with some flowers. But there was another park to visit before the day could be considered complete.

Like many of Thailand’s national parks, Sai Thong is a large area of land in which serious nature lovers can immerse themselves. Sleep at the park in a chalet or a tent, and then spend hours tramping around in the undergrowth getting bitten, stung and, if you are lucky, eaten alive by a predator. For the casual visitor, Sai Thong offers a waterfall and, to be honest, it is not that special. However, after a hard day of travel and hacking around Pa Hin Ngam, it was a very pleasant place to end the day and just enjoy being next to the little waterfall in the late afternoon sun.

Road trip report - part 3

Mon, 14 Jul 2008 00:00:00 +0000

After a quick breakfast of rice porridge, toast and tea we headed for the first national park of the day, Tat Ton. Like Sai Thong, Tat Ton’s only attraction for the casual visitor is another rather average waterfall. But we were determined to hit all the national parks in the area, so off we went and by 0800 we were in the park and had trekked to the waterfall.

The sun was in the wrong place, the waterfall was not exactly stunning, and after a while I had had enough.

Road trip report - Part 4

Mon, 14 Jul 2008 00:00:00 +0000

Phu Lan Ka national park, home to some spectacular rocks and about 50 kilometres from Tat Ton. We had a magazine and prints from web pages that provided a map to the park headquarters and, in spite of my navigational skills, we found the park entrance and headed inside.

We followed the road in the park which took us up a hill to a lookout. No sign of spectacular rocks so down the hill and we asked the first man we met where they could be found. “oh, they are not here, you have to leave the park and go somewhere else”, he said. Typical response, we thought, if they don’t know the answer to your question they send you away somewhere else. How we laughed, mocked and dismissed his answer (although not to his face of course).

So we climbed the hill again for a closer look at the viewpoint area. There were some signs to rocks on the left and a viewpoint on the right, but none of the signs seemed to point to where we wanted to go, and all were a minimum of 350 metres away, so we went down the hill again and found someone who seemed more confident of the location of the rocks. “Go to the top of the hill and go right” he said in a confident voice. So back to the top of the hill.

The path to the right said “Lookout - 1750 metres.” The path to the left indicated 4 groups of stones from 350 metres away and further. He must of meant left, we decided so we went left and after struggling through undergrowth we came to an unimpressive rock. Wrong place. Back to the lookout and not keen to trek nearly 2 kilometres to the right only to discover that there were no rocks, we went back down the hill and into the park office to check.

Two young ladies in the office, who confirmed that the first guy had been right; the rocks were more than 50 kilometres away in another part of the park……

Had the magazine indicated that the rocks were nowhere near the main park entrance? No. Had all the info downloaded from the Tourist Authority of Thailand indicated that the rocks were nowhere near the main park entrance? No. Had there been any signs indicating a route to the rocks? No. Were we pissed off? Yes. Were we going to give up? No.

Clearly we weren’t going to find these rocks on our own. So Nik did his charm thing and suggested that one of the girls should get into the truck with two scruffy looking men she had never met and come on a journey with us to a remote hillside. Astonishingly she agreed, although when she asked where we had come from an we said “Pattaya”, there was an increase in reluctance, Pattaya has a bad reputation with the Thais as well as the rest of the world.

To cut a long journey short, we ended up driving all the way back to the entrance to the previous park and then taking a turning left (no signs). Then many more kilometres, followed by several kilometres up a very rough track (4 wheel drive required), until finally we arrived.

Would sir like to make a small deposit?

Mon, 14 Jul 2008 00:00:00 +0000

Communication from Nik who, excited at seeing his name up in lights in Pattaya Days, offers a contribution:

A visit to Kasikorn Bank in Jomtien and there on the counter are free gifts:

Extra donker and a promise of umbala

Sun, 13 Jul 2008 00:00:00 +0000

A surprise parcel from the Netherlands containing three packets of bread mix (well that is what is says on the packets. Coming from Holland, it could be a variety of substances).

This is an unexpected and very kind present from Billy the blogger’s wife. She is referred to as “Her Indoors” in his writing, but I will refer to her as Santi, for that is her name. Thank you Santi for your very kind thought. And commiserations on having to put up with Billy. Having worked with him for several years, I have an inkling of what you must be going through.

I am going to cook the “Boeren Brood” first because it contains extra donker, and as we all know, you can never have too much donker.

So, here are the three packs of brood, plus a couple of other items, and a cat who likes to be involved in everything in case she can disrupt events; which she did by knocking over the boxes a couple of seconds after I took the shot.

Road trip report - part 1

Sun, 13 Jul 2008 00:00:00 +0000

My travelling companion is a fellow condo owner, he who failed to kick a girl out of his bed so he could attend a committee meeting. I shall call him Nik, although I normally call him something else. Nik enjoys jumping into his truck and whizzing around Thailand taking photos. He invited me to attend his latest whizz, which was to be a trip to Chaiyaphum province. Nik is an early riser, I am not, so we compromised on a start time of 0600 and away we went on the five hour drive to Chaiyaphum.

There is always a risk in committing to spend two days in a car with someone you don’t know very well. How will they drive, will there be stuff to talk about, will the music suck? Fortunately, Nik turned out to have a similar driving style to myself; one that I would summarise as being “enthusiastic.” With a 3.0 litre turbo engine in a substantial truck, we were able to make good progress, scattering fellow road users and pedestrians who dared to impede our progress. The music was a classic selection covering many years and genres, from Eddie Cochran, through Desmond Dekker to Dr. Alban. Some tracks I had not heard for many years, and yet the lyrics seemed to come immediately to mind. This led us into a discussion on brain functions. How is it that I can be introduced to someone and then forget their name five minutes later, but I still remember songs I heard forty years ago. Nik said he was the same, he can never remember the names of bar girls in the morning, but that is probably because he never asked them in the first place. Anyway, good conversations on brains, music and relationships and before we knew it we were sitting down for lunch near Chaiyaphum.

The plan was to visit two national parks on the first day, and two more on the second. On the way to the first we passed a clump of sunflowers which just had to be photographed.

Road trip report - part 1 - introducing service pack 1.01

Sun, 13 Jul 2008 00:00:00 +0000

I don’t know how I did it, but I turned off comments for the last post. As well as not knowing how I did it, I do not know how to undo the thing that I did which I didn’t mean to do.

So this is the place for you to make comments on the post that you can’t make comments on because I turned off the comments by mistake and don’t know how to turn them on again.

Disco Condo

Sat, 12 Jul 2008 00:00:00 +0000

Spent the morning reviewing a shoot of a condo I did a couple of weeks ago for a friend. He has installed a very complex programmable lighting system which enables the owner to move from a relatively subdued look to full-on party lighting at the flick of a switch. Just add music, people and the stimulants of your choice.

Never argue with the wife

Sat, 12 Jul 2008 00:00:00 +0000

At the shops and she who must be obeyed reminds me that I have no gin and should get some more. I always do what I am told, so duly pick up a bottle of Gordon’s and stick it in the shopping trolley.

“I thought you preferred Bombay Sapphire” says she.

“I do” says me (because it tastes better and because it reminds me of Stevie Nicks who I was deeply in love with for many years), “but it is twice the price.”

Back from the countryside

Fri, 11 Jul 2008 00:00:00 +0000

2 days, 1,300 kilometers, 6,000 baht of fuel, 4 national parks, cooler air, nicer people and hundreds of photographs.

And one very weird sign by the side of the road:

A clear case of suicide

Wed, 09 Jul 2008 00:00:00 +0000

In a previous ramble I noted the propensity for Pattaya residents to kill themselves, and the propensity of the local police to categorise all deaths as suicide, to save themselves the trouble of investigating a murder.

Here’s a new case for your consideration: A Dutch man was found dead in his house. Pattaya Daily News reported that “the state of the house showed extensive burning throughout. In the bathroom, police investigators found Mr. Martinus Johannes Grardus Antonius Jochems, (63), a Dutch citizen, dead, lying face down, wearing only blue shorts. There was a one metre-long knife stab wound starting on the left side of his neck, going all the way through to the right side. The body was burnt, and police presume he had been dead for about two days. The house had been thoroughly ransacked and almost all of the contents were burnt. Police found a matchbox on the floor and many footprints throughout the house. They also found a pointed knife which had fallen in a plant pot in front of the house, which they kept as evidence.”

A disruption of service

Wed, 09 Jul 2008 00:00:00 +0000

Tomorrow I am off on a two day photoshoot to a more northerly part of Thailand. Expect more flower photos. This means that I will not be around to write the usual rubbish.

To the approximately four people who read this nonsense on a regular basis (Jock, Billy, Mart and Mart’s grandma), please go and do something more edifying for a couple of days. Normal service will be resumed at the weekend.

The sex life of a jellyfish

Wed, 09 Jul 2008 00:00:00 +0000

Consulting my rather battered copy of Dr. Seuss’s Book of Amazing Facts for Inquisitive and Slightly Perverted Youngsters, I discover that jellyfish have sex once a year, but in compensation they experience an orgasm that lasts for 19 minutes. I can relate to part of this experience, but sadly it is the first part.

Anyway, the once a year mating must happen on the same day for all jellyfish (does the earth wobble?), because the Gulf of Thailand is currently full of baby jellyfish; fist-sized lumps of nastiness. I discover this when I go windsurfing this afternoon and find myself sailing through what appears to be a monster clump of sago, but is actually hundreds of jellyfish. It is at this point that I decide that I do not want to fall in to the sea today, and this presents somewhat of a problem.

TONY'S

Wed, 09 Jul 2008 00:00:00 +0000

Please imagine the heading above in 700 point, capitalised, bold, emphasised, red, flashing text, then you will have an idea of the publicity approach employed by Surapol Sanguanchartisorakrai, a.k.a Tony; an approach that has led to him being one of Pattaya’s more successful businessmen.

Tony is a Thai who was educated in the USA and spent many years there leading a show band that toured the country. When he came back to Thailand he opened businesses in Bangkok and then opened Tony’s entertainment complex in Walking Street.

Ocean 1, the rate of progress continues unabated

Tue, 08 Jul 2008 00:00:00 +0000

A month ago we looked at the story of Ocean 1, the 91 floor mega-condo which is taking some time to get going. You can read that post here.

Last night I was browsing one of the local newspapers that she who must be obeyed is now bringing home so she can check the property pages. On the back of the paper there was a full-page, full-colour advertisement for Ocean 1. The advertisement included the proclamation “construction begins in March.” Given that it is now July, I assumed that this was either a grammatical error, or that they were talking about March 2009.

So let’s find out by checking the live webcam on the site. This was the situation one month ago:

Can't see CCTV

Mon, 07 Jul 2008 00:00:00 +0000

It is generally accepted that the local police are useless. Underpaid, underfunded and under instructions from their supervisors to concentrate on raking in the cash for minor or fabricated infringements (looking at the officer in a strange manner - 100 baht please), rather than chasing real criminals.

And we have no shortage of real criminals. In the last 24 hours we have had some teenagers shot from stray bullets resulting from a clash between two motorcycle gangs. We have had a Lebanese tourist and his boyfriend robbed by people posing as police officers (they had two-way radios and guns, but no uniforms; not a particularly convincing impersonation). And we have had a local TV presenter being shot at while driving home in her car.

Not a large cat

Mon, 07 Jul 2008 00:00:00 +0000

Driving home from grocery shopping and we pass a development of small houses which, when first completed. was surrounded by a small wall. But now there is a very high metal railing with spikes, no doubt erected because robberies had been experienced; or that’s how I explained it to the wife.

She responded by telling me of a Thai saying along the lines that there is no point building a fence after your cow has disappeared. I patiently explained that they had not had a cow stolen, more likely mobile phones and flat-screen televisions. For my patience I received a slap on the head and “no, you idiot, it’s a meta-purr!”

The perils of Pattaya

Mon, 07 Jul 2008 00:00:00 +0000

Yet another trip to Bangkok today, this time for the monthly meeting of our condo committee. My passenger is the ex-CIA special operative (at least that is what I think he used to be) who always has a stock of interesting stories to keep us entertained, and in the back of the car we have a stowaway in the form of she who must be obeyed, who has decided to use her day off work as an opportunity for shopping in Bangkok. She asks if she can charge some perfume to our credit card (I forget how it was I was persuaded to get her a credit card, but I suspect I had been drinking at the time). I allocate her a maximum amount to spend which she duly exceeds by 123.2%, which is pretty much what I expected.

Dan Le Sac vs Scroobius Pip

Sun, 06 Jul 2008 00:00:00 +0000

Missive from my son recommending the above. Not immediately obvious what it might be. A boxing match between a couple of guys whose names led them to being bullied at school, thus breeding a high degree of aggression? Turns out to be music, and very weird and wonderful music it is too. Comparisons with the best of Dylan, Eminem and John Cooper Clark spring to mind.

First “Thou shalt always kill”, stacked with useful advice, such as thou shalt not question Stephen Fry.

A comfy chair

Sat, 05 Jul 2008 00:00:00 +0000

Going to the cinema in Thailand can be a frustrating experience. I have been to a movie where they had the reels mixed up and we saw the ending before the middle (but it was a crap movies so we didn’t really notice). There are regular interruptions by those who not only refuse to turn off their mobile phones, but feel it acceptable to answer them and chat loudly for several minutes. There are regular meetings of “the snack wrapper opening in a quiet moment” club, the picture quality is screwed after a few nights of screening and the surround sound often doesn’t surround.

Two aircraft carriers separated by a common language

Fri, 04 Jul 2008 00:00:00 +0000

It’s the 4th of July and the Americans are celebrating their independence from Britain. What do they have to celebrate? They are missing out on black puddings, binge drinking and a sense of humour (as opposed to a sense of humor); and their hip hop stars have ridiculous names that have to be pronounced Jay-Z(ee) rather than the much more sensible Jay-Z(ed).

To gain a perspective of just how much the two countries have grown apart, I have been watching two series about life on an aircraft carrier. Warship follows the British aircraft carrier Illustrious on a voyage, Carrier covers the US aircraft carrier Nimitz.

Home alone

Thu, 03 Jul 2008 00:00:00 +0000

My wife has left me. After five years together including two years of marriage, during which time we have rarely been apart; I now sit alone in my condo with two cats.

For the past three years she has been pursuing an MBA. Although the course was conducted in Thai, many of the course books were in English and I was dragged in as assistant translator at times. I can confirm that books on marketing management are, on the whole, badly written and extensively padded with buzzwords, buzzphrases and buzzpages with the intention of decreasing readability and increasing page count. When it came to the accounting section I was expected to help, the result of a mistaken impression that just because my last job title had included the words “Finance Director”, I was an expert on the black art of keeping the books. Not true of course, but we she did get an ‘A’ for the subject so I was spared a beating.

The hunt for WMD goes on

Thu, 03 Jul 2008 00:00:00 +0000

Out and about with a friend and some cameras today and he caught this shot from inside Air Force One as it made an unscheduled stop on the outskirts of Pattaya.

Bangkok mission number 1

Wed, 02 Jul 2008 00:00:00 +0000

To a small shop near the British Embassy which does a brisk trade in passport photographs at 320 baht a time. The rules are very clear: no smiling, no grimacing and no parrots on your shoulder; which makes for a very boring photo which will humiliate me for the next ten years.

With forms and photos complete, I present myself at the embassy entrance where they proceed to relieve me of my phone and camera. The guy in front of me is relieved of what appears to be an anal vibrator, not entirely clear what he intended to do with it in the embassy, although some amusing options come to mind. After a body check by a man who seems to enjoy his job more than he should, I am let inside.

Bangkok mission number 2

Wed, 02 Jul 2008 00:00:00 +0000

When I moved to using Apple computers, previous converts told me that the computers were great but the mice sucked.

And it is true. A Mac mouse is a horrid, fiddly little thing which looks cool but isn’t. After persevering for nearly a year, on my last trip to Bangkok I bought a couple of Logitech wireless mice; one for me and one for the wife. The wife’s new mouse has worked flawlessly. Mine worked flawlessly for two days and then stopped. I changed the batteries. Nothing. I tried secretly swapping my mouse for hers, but she found out. So yesterday I took my dead mouse into iStudio in Siam Paragon and asked them to check it out.

Bangkok mission number 3

Wed, 02 Jul 2008 00:00:00 +0000

When I lived in Bangkok I bought two cars from the ~~Ferrari Concessionaires~~ Honda garage and they were always helpful and efficient. So when I was looking for a new model and Honda Pattaya quoted three months delivery and Honda Bangkok quoted “tomorrow”, it was an easy decision.

I prefer having the car serviced in Bangkok too, so I rolled into the service centre yesterday and was greeted by an official greeter and a lady who gave me some chilled water. Had it been the Ferrari Concessionaires I would probably have got a full-body massage and some chilled champagne, but not a bad effort from Honda.

Pattaya Days on small displays

Wed, 02 Jul 2008 00:00:00 +0000

Respect to The Ghost who, although he is having trouble getting laid at the moment, has taken the time to point me to a plug-in which does not make this site more interesting but it does make it much more readable on an iPhone, iPod or most other baby web-browsing devices. He even sent me a couple of examples after I installed it.

XP: Xtremely Problematic

Wed, 02 Jul 2008 00:00:00 +0000

I think I keep a Windows PC around just so to raise my blood pressure. It certainly did so today.

It was a simple task. I had a tentative plan to stick in a faster CPU to service the games that like faster CPUs. A little googling and I discover that my motherboard will accept a faster CPU if I upgrade the firmware. So I upgrade the firmware. Then my own little world of XP collapses around me. Windows decides that it has a boot.ini error, whatever that is. Then it decides it won’t boot at all. Then two disks which had been set in a RAID configuration revert to a configuration called not working. In short, the whole machine has gone to crap, although the firmware upgrade that started it all is acting smug and working fine.

Making a contribution

Mon, 30 Jun 2008 00:00:00 +0000

Wherever possible I like to avoid government offices. In Thailand the main culprits are the British embassy in Bangkok and the Thai immigration office in Jomtien. The former is bureaucratic, slow and expensive, the latter is bureaucratic, slow and slightly less expensive; except when you do something wrong.

Tomorrow I am off to Bangkok and thought I would take the opportunity of renewing my passport. The UK passports are now biometric, which is bureaucrat speak for expensive. A painful 10,000 fee, a requirement for photographs with such exacting specifications that they will no doubt also cost more than is normal, plus the usual multi-page form to complete; and the standard take-a-number and queue for hours for the privilege of being treated like dirt by an embassy official. Not something I am looking forward to.

A beer and a browse

Sun, 29 Jun 2008 00:00:00 +0000

Back from the evening condo shoot where my battery tells me I have now shot 2,605 photos in 48 hours, surely time for a beer and a browse. I quite like this one:

Pit porn

Sun, 29 Jun 2008 00:00:00 +0000

My battery counter tells me I have taken 2,195 photographs since I inserted it in the camera on Friday evening. Apart from a shoot of a condo interior on Friday evening, most of the photos have been taken at Bira over the past two days, which means most of the shots will be badly panned or poorly composed, or both; and will end up being deleted. But that is still 2,195 photos that have to be individually reviewed and processed where necessary; and I have another shoot this evening and another tomorrow. Shutter fatigue is setting in.

After a hot day at Bira all I want to do now is kick back and relax for a couple of hours before heading out for this evening’s shoot. But I suppose I could spare some time to process a few shots. What did you say you wanted? Temples? Cars going round tracks? Shrubbery? Oh, you want more pit girls…..

A different type of Thai flower

Sat, 28 Jun 2008 00:00:00 +0000

Spent the day at Bira circuit for the Super Car Thailand championship.

I am aware that sticking photos of flowers on this blog is not particularly representative of Pattaya. So to redress the balance I have decided to spare you from photos of cars going round in circles, and offer pit girls instead. Approve? Thought so.

An apology

Thu, 26 Jun 2008 00:00:00 +0000

If you have had the strength to wade through the morass of entries on this site you may recall the shocking scandal of the stolen photograph; blown out of all proportion by me for the purpose of entertainment. For those of you who need a reminder, look here and here.

My son, who is good at these things, pointed out that the journalist who wrote the article had a presence on Facebook, the slightly deranged social networking site of which I am a member for reasons I have long forgotten; but I suspect it was Billy’s fault (Billy has an excellent blog, but you will just have to take my word for it because it is members only, due to the fact that he spends much of his time slagging off his current and my ex-employer).

Flower power

Thu, 26 Jun 2008 00:00:00 +0000

If you go to Nong Nuch Tropical Garden as a tourist, you will be ushered into a show with elephants and dancers and it is all rather tacky; and expensive. But if you turn up and wave your Thai driving licence to prove you live here, and explain you don’t want to see the dancing elephants; then 100 baht will gain you entry to some very attractive gardens.

I must admit that gardens are not really my thing. The only flower I can name is a dandelion, and tending a garden is too much like hard work. But I enjoy wandering around Nong Nuch with a camera, and spent a couple of hours there this morning.

Make mine a GT40. Or an Exige. Or another Exige. Or...

Thu, 26 Jun 2008 00:00:00 +0000

I fully support people being rich, provided they spend their money on the things I would spend my money on if I was loaded. So, hats off to the owner of Nong Nuch Tropical Garden whose office car park contains the car that has fuelled my automotive dreams for more years than I care to count, a Ford GT40.

Black and white

Wed, 25 Jun 2008 00:00:00 +0000

Arriving at some traffic lights we see an obviously black Honda City, with a sticker on the back saying, quite clearly incorrectly, “This car is white.”

Close up with the DP1

Wed, 25 Jun 2008 00:00:00 +0000

I have a very good camera. It is also a very heavy camera and when I load myself up with camera body and lenses, you don’t get much change from 7 kilos. I have hankered after something smaller that I can carry around all the time, something light and inconspicuous which takes good quality images. After a couple of false starts I settled on a Sigma DP1 which is a bitch to operate but is capable of taking some really good shots. Just needs a better photographer than me to get the best out of it.

When I first got the DP1 I could fit it in my pocket. Then I bought an optical viewfinder to fit on the top and had to buy a bag to carry it around. Then I swapped the shoulder strap for a wrist strap. Then I got a lens hood, then I got a small tripod. Then all the bits wouldn’t fit into the small bag and I had to go and buy a bigger bag to hold it all.

Deckchair mafia

Wed, 25 Jun 2008 00:00:00 +0000

The sand on the local beaches is of reasonable quality, provided that it is kept clean. Unfortunately, not much of it is available to the general public. Most of the space has been taken over by deckchair vendors who will charge you to sit on their chairs and then ply you with food and drink. If sitting on a deckchair is your thing, then you will be a happy bunny; but if you just want a stretch of beach then you are increasingly unlikely to find some; especially as the deckchair mafia continually increase the area of beach that they occupy.

Not close up with the DP1

Wed, 25 Jun 2008 00:00:00 +0000

Normally I shoot watersports by sticking a big telephoto on front of a big camera and stand on the beach and wait for something to come my way. Like this:

The farting chair

Wed, 25 Jun 2008 00:00:00 +0000

Whenever we pass by the iStudio shop I press my nose against the window and ogle my latest object of desire, a Mac Pro. More power than I need for more money than I can justify, I can only dream.

Yesterday my viewing was blocked by a poster in the window.

Swamp thing

Tue, 24 Jun 2008 00:00:00 +0000

A succession of Pattaya majors have vowed to raise the quality of the city’s attractions and indeed things are slowly getting better with improved shopping malls being built and an ever increasing number of decent restaurants and bars available. The fact that you can’t get to any of them easily because the roads are in ruin is mere detail.

The plan is to replace the current mix of tour groups and perverts who comprise the tourist base of fun town with a new mix of slightly more affluent tour groups and perverts. As a subsidiary benefit, things might get better for those of us who actually live here.

But every so often you come across an offering which is so utterly crap that you really wonder if Pattaya will ever drag itself out of the swamp.

Toilets for the transgendered

Tue, 24 Jun 2008 00:00:00 +0000

The Thai education system is a disaster, with more than 70% of schools failing to meet the already minimal standards demanded by the government. Low salaries, poor facilities and large class numbers combine to produce poorly educated adults; which is exactly what the moneyed elite needs to staff their factories and shops. Allegedly.

So it is encouraging to see that the Ministry of Education in the new government is addressing the urgent problems in schools with their latest proposal: separate toilets for transsexuals.

Cake or death? *

Sun, 22 Jun 2008 00:00:00 +0000

It is embarrassing to admit, but I can’t cook. My mother thought she could cook, but couldn’t, and mildly poisoned us on a regular basis. My father was old school and believed a man’s place was in front of the television with a gin and tonic and not in the kitchen mixing the poisons. With no pressure from my mother, I happily joined my father in front of the TV and stole the occasional slurp of the G&T when he left the room (helped to settle the stomach after mother’s cooking).

When I married, my wife decided to try and encourage me to cook and, to keep things simple, bought me a Magic Roundabout cookbook. For those of you who have not been exposed to this gem of subversive children’s TV, The Magic Roundabout was originally a French production which was adapted by Eric Thompson (father of Emma) and converted into a work of genius. The main character was Dougal, a grumpy dog with a personality akin to Tony Hancock. There was Dylan the stoned-hippy rabbit, Ermintrude the dopey cow and Brian the well-meaning snail, consistently abused by Dougal. It was a show for children with humour for adults and I have the complete collection on DVD somewhere.

As usual, I digress. Armed with my cookbook for kiddies I embarked upon what was probably the greatest culinary disaster since Alfred the Great burnt the cakes. I tried to follow a recipe that was meant to produce a chocolate cake that looked like Dougal the dog; but the result was more akin in both looks and texture to a large dog turd. I thought is tasted quite good (as dog turds go) and the children worked bravely through their slices (more like lumps than slices); but there was projectile vomiting later and a clear embargo against my cooking forever more; which suited me just fine. It became known in family lore as “the day that Dad tried to cook” and I expect young lives were permanently damaged in some way on that day; but that’s what happens when you give a cookbook to someone totally inept at almost everything.

My second and current wife has clearly decided that there is no point trying to teach an old dog new tricks, especially when he doesn’t even seem to know any old tricks. I am allowed, and willing, to wash up and I am pretty good at breaking things in the name of DIY. But mixing together my breakfast ingredients in a bowl is as close as I get to cooking. Until now.

It’s the bloody breadmaking machine. Most cooking involves throwing stuff in a pan and after hours of work the ingredients come out looking pretty much the same as they went in, only hotter and more edible. But when you make bread there is yeast involved and all sorts of magic goes on which results in everything swelling up and getting bigger. I can only think of one other activity that can have the same result, but then that involves nappy changing and school fees, and I don’t want to get involved with that again thank you very much.

I was so intrigued with the possibility of this process that I got straight onto that nice Mr. Amazon and got him to send me a book on bread making. And not just bread, but buns and little cakes (but nothing on offer that looks anything like a dog). As well as recipes for breadmakers, there are also traditional recipes which require advanced techniques such as kneading of which I know nothing.

Nothing daunted, out came the recipe book this morning and I gathered the ingredients for Naan bread. Mixed everything together as per instructions, and then threw in some extra milk because it all looked a little lumpy. Big mistake. When I then embarked on the kneading phase, which was meant to involve the elegant stretching and mixing of the dough, everything just stuck to my fingers and I looked like a sticky version of Edward Scissorhands. After much cursing, I had to be rescued by the wife who gave me one of those “why did I marry this idiot with dough encrusted hands” looks.

Dough sorted and we were tidying up while the dough did it’s miracle rising thing.

I thought you said there was salt in the recipe, said she.

Indeed I did and indeed there is, said I, somewhat condescendingly.

This is sugar, said she, waving a little box that had obviously served to provide an ingredient.

Oh fuck, said I.

Indeed, said she, somewhat condescendingly.

But I persevered to the end of the process and what came out of the oven looked a little like Naan bread and tasted pretty good too.

Of wheels and wheatgrass

Sat, 21 Jun 2008 00:00:00 +0000

There are mass protests on the streets of Bangkok; a change of prime minister, or of government or even a coup may be in the offing. Meanwhile on the international stage, those very nice Israelis who only have a few atomic bombs of their own are considering attacking Iran who doesn’t have any, but Israel thinks they might like some, and that would never do. But all of this pales into insignificance in my little world where the day is marked by the arrival of two parcels.

Do I get air miles with that?

Fri, 20 Jun 2008 00:00:00 +0000

What with terrorist shitheads with bombs down their trousers, ever increasing fuel surcharges and airport terminals that are more likely to consume your luggage than deliver it to you on a conveyor belt; it is no fun being an air traveller nowadays.

But Thai Airlines has risen to the challenge by employing new cabin crew who redefine the term “ugly men in dresses.” Fear of terrorist attacks and lost luggage pale into insignificance compared to the prospect of having your seat belt adjusted by this lot.

It's in the genes

Fri, 20 Jun 2008 00:00:00 +0000

Met up this evening with a friend whom I have known for nearly thirty years. For the entire time I have known him he has been a mini force of nature, creating mayhem and parties wherever he goes. He lived in Jomtien for a while and came back this evening for a reunion to some of his favourite bars and had a bar girl wrapped round his arm in no time at all.

Hair today, gone tomorrow

Thu, 19 Jun 2008 00:00:00 +0000

I hate having my hair cut, especially in Thailand. If it has to be done, please do it in five minutes with the minimum of fuss; but that’s an impossibility here.

First they have to wash you hair, even if you washed it yourself minutes before, then there is the cutting, then they wash it again, then the final styling; and every stage is accompanied by an attractive young lady massaging all areas from the shoulders upwards (and probably downwards in some establishments). I am all in favour of having parts of my body massaged by young ladies; but not when I am in a hair salon and just wanting to get the whole miserable process finished with. And the person who cuts your hair tends to be on the attractive side with larger than average breasts; and there is nothing more dangerous than fancying a quick nuzzle when the intended target is wielding sharp scissors and a pissed-off attitude because she has been stuck in this bloody salon even longer than you have. The whole stressful process takes hours, and then they have the cheek to charge you around 100 baht for wasting your time.

So, some months ago, she who must be obeyed decided I would look cool, and be less stressed, if I just grew my hair. She had visions of a troubled artist figure, a man who brushed away his flowing locks as they glinted in the sunlight of another dying day, before picking up his brushes and painting yet another canvas that somehow encapsulated the tragedy of the human condition. What she got was a scruffy tramp who looked like he had just had a particularly tough day sticking his head in dustbins.

So this morning I sat on the balcony and she gave me a haircut. Equipped with a pair of slightly sharp scissors, a comb, and zero experience; she set to work. The concern levels grew as first she came out with “oops” on a number of occasions. Then there was a bout of maniacal giggling, culminating in an “oh dear, how am I going to fix that?” Still, I did not have to worry about nuzzling if I felt the urge, and it was all over in a few minutes. The treatment finished with her rubbing in something that smelled like yak urine but was apparently made from grape juice.

Then end result looked OK from the front, I neither know nor care what has happened round the back. Enough hair had been removed to make a small furry jacket.

Thieving bastards

Thu, 19 Jun 2008 00:00:00 +0000

It’s an accepted fact that once you drop something into the wide, wide world of web it becomes common property. If I put a photograph on a web page then I know that someone somewhere may take a fancy to it and download it or use it on their own webpage, and I have no problem with that. Sometimes you get some credit via a link, which is nice, like The Pattaya Ghost who has referenced my posts a couple of times. A ghost and a gentleman. But usually you never know how many times people have downloaded that exciting shot of a temple

No more cunning stunts

Wed, 18 Jun 2008 00:00:00 +0000

Those of you who have been reading my posts for the last couple of months (Hi Mum!) will be familiar with the antics of Jimmy the stuntman. Those of you who haven’t can get up to date on his antics here, and here.

Today I was looking forward to Jimmy’s latest trick, maybe something involving explosions; but I found him slumped in a chair with his leg in plaster. While practising (i.e. showing off), he had come off his bike and broken his ankle. Severe road rash too and he told me that the blood came out of his leg in the same colours of the tattoos he had almost scraped off; isn’t that interesting (or at least nausea inducing)?

'Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf'

Tue, 17 Jun 2008 00:00:00 +0000

Sadly, Google makes any attempt at a “guess the movie” competition pointless. In Bruges. Watch it. And remember, you can’t sell horse tranquiliser to a midget.

Comments 🔗

2008-06-17 | Roger says

What are you talking about Spike?

2008-06-19 | Spike says

Read it again, slowly. You’ll work it out. If all else fails, Google.

SUPrisingly enjoyable

Tue, 17 Jun 2008 00:00:00 +0000

I learned to windsurf twenty years ago. It took me three months of bloody swearing, bloodied knees and wounded pride to get to the point where I could sail away from the beach and return to the same point without invoking the assistance of the rescue services. Since then I have progressed little beyond the skill level of enthusiastic amateur; but i do remain enthusiastic and I rely on windsurfing to keep me reasonably fit and there is no better way of blowing away the blues than getting out on the water on a windy day.

I did think I would also like surfing. Then I read a book about surfing in Hawaii and the doctor stationed on the beach was asked about the unusual injuries he had to treat. His favourite story was of the man who emerged from the water with his broken board in one hand and a testicle in the other. Now I don’t know about you, but I prefer sports that don’t involve a risk of castration, it’s dangerous enough having a Thai wife.

I used to watch kite boarding when I lived in Holland. I saw a learner being lifted out of the sea and slammed into the side of a hotel. Not so much fun for the learner ‘cos he died and I expect his relatives had to pay to have the hotel wall re-painted. Castration or being slammed against a wall? The agony of choice.

So I have stuck to windsurfing. Three cracked ribs and more bruises than I can remember over the years, but I am still here and my genitals are intact, or at least they were last time I looked sometime last week.

But now there is another sport that is creeping up in popularity: SUP which I am told stands for stand-up paddleboarding. Started in Hawaii (where did you expect, Berlin?) many years ago, it is now mainstream and our local club has them lying on beach waiting for someone to come along and try them out.

A SUP is a big board which you can use for a variety of purposes. Firstly, as the name suggests, you can paddle it. If you live in Hawaii and have plenty of balls (so don’t go surfing first), you can paddle down a big wave:

A rubbish beach

Mon, 16 Jun 2008 00:00:00 +0000

Property developers lapse into the poetic when describing the beaches around here. Ocean 1, for example, is to be built not far from a “serene stretch of Jomtien beach.”

This was Jomtien beach this morning:

Car park confusion

Mon, 16 Jun 2008 00:00:00 +0000

Most shopping malls in Pattaya come with a car park. Some are free, some charge a nominal fee, and one requires a doctorate in mathematics to work out the car parking charge. Welcome to the crazy world of The Avenue car park.

It used to be comparatively simple. Park in the multi-storey car park and it was free. Park outside and it was 20 baht unless you got a stamp from one of the shops. Yesterday they were handing out flyers:

Happy Father's Day to me

Sun, 15 Jun 2008 00:00:00 +0000

My son was around three years old when we bought an Atari 400 computer with a pressure pad keyboard. The rubber membrane covering the keys was an effective deterrent to the jam sandwiches, slugs, nose pickings and the assorted refuse that would inevitably accompany a young boy to a computing session. He was therefore allowed free access, and was soon writing simple programs that would print his name or calculate the amount of garden soil he ingested in a week.

One horsepower

Sun, 15 Jun 2008 00:00:00 +0000

There are those that mock the apparent lack of intellectual capability in the new Thai government. No doubt they will be silenced by the latest, brilliant idea by the Minister of the Interior to reduce fuel costs. He has suggested that district chiefs in the provinces should travel by horseback. It’s one of those smack your head, why didn’t I think of that, moments; pure genius.

As with any revolutionary idea, there were the short-sighted few who were quick to dismiss it. The governor from Khon Kaen said “I cannot ride a horse myself, and they are not that easy to obtain.” Next he wil be complaining about the cost of stabling, food and veterinary services; and how to dispose of all the inevitable horse poo. Mere details of course and I am sure we will be seeing the Minister for the Interior scrapping his Mercedes and galloping around Bangkok on a horse called Complete Idiot sometime soon.

Vista's no leopard

Sun, 15 Jun 2008 00:00:00 +0000

Last week Apple held a developer’s conference. As is usual, the event started with a speech from Steve Jobs. If you weren’t there you could follow what was happening from a variety of websites who had attendees taking photos, writing notes, and sticking them up on the web for the world to consume. Mind you, only an idiot would stay up from midnight till 0200 in Thailand to watch the event; at least that is what my wife said I was.

A load of crap

Sat, 14 Jun 2008 00:00:00 +0000

In my previous life I had a wife, three children and one toilet. This resulted in queues, animosity and strained bladders. It was certainly not a situation which facilitated the establishment of a quiet zone where father could escape to read the daily paper in peace.

Now I have a wife, two cats, and three toilets (plus some additional feline crapping facilities out the back which don’t really count. Although, after a few beers, in an emergency…). The excess of toilets means that there is always somewhere I can go to ponder the world, or indeed more likely, browse the world.

When I moved into my condo, one of the priority installs was a wi-fi service. I had visions of sitting on the balcony sending “you’re working, I’m not. Ha!” e-mails to my friends while enjoying my sea view. The reality was that it was always too bright, or too windy, or too wet, to enjoy my laptop out there; but the toilet turned out to be an excellent spot to sit and send “you’re working, I’m on the toilet. Now wash your hands” e-mails to my bemused friends.

In the last year, the laptop has been superceded as the toilet companion of choice by the iPhone. My wife is similarly equipped and we disappear into the toilet of our choice in the morning to check our mails, browse the news, and occasionally use the toilet for the purpose for which it was designed. We then shower and meet for breakfast, refreshed and up to date with the world. The cats wander in and out of each toilet during the process, just to check that we are not doing anything interesting that they could disrupt, so they are satisfied that they have been fully involved and are also now ready for breakfast. Such a civilised life.

The best toilet has extensive magazine storage facilities, good lighting and a strong extraction fan (not required for me of course). It also has a broken seat which means that your bum gets pinched every time you sit on it. My wife has been yelping for months, my response has always been that, if she had a smaller bum, it wouldn’t pinch so hard. Eventually I gave in and set out to find a replacement. This turned out to be easier than expected. I had had visions of trailing round shopping malls, used toilet seat in hand, waving it at shop assistants and asking “do you have one of these?” But I found an American Standard shop on Sukhumvit road, gave them the number printed on the seat, and they promised to get one for me within two weeks. Ten days later the call came and this morning I returned home triumphant with the new seat. Removing the old seat turned out to be a lot more difficult than expected. There were two rubber bushes hidden away under the unit which had to be held in place while the screws on the top were removed. This could only be done by lying on the floor in a contorted position; an act not aided by the fact that my windsurfing crash of yesterday had resulted in a leg of many colours, none of which relished being pressed againt hard surfaces. One sweaty, frustrating hour later and it was done. It would have been done a little quicker if the cat who had decided to supervise my work had not slipped and fallen into the bowl in the middle of the job.

Change of wind

Fri, 13 Jun 2008 00:00:00 +0000

After a couple of weeks of no wind, we woke this morning to a howling gale and big waves on the sea. Down to the windsurfing club where I proceeded to totally knacker myself in less than an hour in a session which those who know the surfing slang would describe as gnarly. High winds and big seas resulted in one big wipe-out which is now celebrated by a melon-sized lump on my thigh. After the session I sat on the beach with a pounding heart, laboured breath and aching limbs; all the signs of a good time.

I then relaxed and pointed my camera at those still on the water.

Frankie goes to Bollywood

Fri, 13 Jun 2008 00:00:00 +0000

One of the interesting things about Thailand is that you never quite know what is going to happen next.

As per the previous post, I was happily pointing my camera at people sailing, when a bunch of Indian gentlemen descended on the beach. After a quick reconnoitre, walkie-talkies appeared from pockets and within minutes a fleet of trucks and hundreds of people had arrived. Yes, Bollywood had come to town.

The agony of choice of agony

Fri, 13 Jun 2008 00:00:00 +0000

An advert in the Bangkok Post today caught my eye:

A book review

Thu, 12 Jun 2008 00:00:00 +0000

I picked up a copy of “A Thousand Splendid Suns” last week. This morning I started to read it and by early afternoon I was 300+ pages in, and totally absorbed.

She who must be obeyed noted my concentration (I suspect she thought I was ignoring her, always taken as a challenge).

Her: What are you reading?

Me: A Thousand Splendid Suns. It’s a very sad story of two women living in Afghanistan. It tells the story of the country over the last few decades through the lives of these women. It’s beautifully written by Khaled Hosseini. He also wrote The Kite Runner, maybe you have heard of that; it was made into a movie.

A pair of steps towards danger

Thu, 12 Jun 2008 00:00:00 +0000

As well as dragging my camera wielding buddy on a tour of photogenic places near my home, I dragged him to Bira circuit at the weekend to point lenses at nutters on racing bikes.

I had a bike once. It was a Honda, with a name that hinted at sex, speed and multiple orgasms. The reality was that you had to wear so many layers of clothing to go out on the thing in an Scottish winter that sex would have been logistically impossible; and at a mere 125cc, a dumpy rider swaddled in kilos of cloth made for a heavy load and a pedestrian speed. Still, it did vibrate a little so I suppose the orgasm thing might of been possible if you stayed on long enough. But Scottish winters made for black ice and I never stayed on long enough to get to the end of the road, let alone experience any activity in the genital area (you probably didn’t want to know that).

My ownership was therefore brief, but it did leave me with a healthy respect for those who choose to ride motorbikes in anger, and I am not talking about the guys who trundle round Pattaya on big chopper bikes wearing clothes with tassles and a badge on their back with the initials SPCC (Small Penis Compensation Club).

There seems to be a large collection of racing bikes in Thailand with few opportunities to race them. So every few months everyone turns up at Bira, pays 1,000 baht, and then spends the day thrashing their bike around the track.

Unlike real race meetings, you can stand pretty much anywhere to take photos; comforted in the knowledge that there is an ambulance at hand should the bike of your choice decide to give you a really close up view by driving into you.

Shots like this give you a nice angle on the bike; but if they slide off the corner rather than going round it, they are going to slide somewhere near where you are standing.

The snake and the one-eyed trouser snake

Tue, 10 Jun 2008 00:00:00 +0000

Khun Wiroj was found dead by the side of a dirt-road. In his hand he clutched a dead Cobra. The snake had bitten Wiroj several times. Wiroj had obviously fought back as the Cobra also had bite marks and Wiroj’s teeth were more scaly than usual.

Just another sad story of a clash between man and nature with no winners. But this story has an extra twist, Wiroj was wearing a condom….

A bit of local culture

Mon, 09 Jun 2008 00:00:00 +0000

It’s great to have friends and family come to visit; but what to do with them once they have descended upon you? Some countries are easier than others. I used to live in Kuala Lumpur. It was, and is, a green and pleasant city with plenty to occupy a resident. But along come the visitors and they want some Eastern culture, and KL doesn’t have much to offer other than a couple of rather boring temples. A bit short on bars full of katoeys too.

Thailand not only has bars full of katoeys, it also has so much culture that you tend to fall over it at every corner. More temples than you could possibly want to visit, and plenty of interesting and strange sights to entertain (e.g. a bar full of katoeys).

Had a friend to visit this weekend who has his camera welded to one hand. Late in the afternoon of his first day we took a wander around some places within a couple of kilometres of home and found plenty of sights for him to photograph. I acted as tour guide and took a few shots myself.

Bus bastards

Sun, 08 Jun 2008 00:00:00 +0000

Bus drivers are bastards. On a two lane highway in the countryside, it is not unusual to discover that your lane is occupied by an oncoming bus, overtaking traffic, travelling in excess of 120 kph, and with the driver having no intention of moving his bus back into the correct lane any time soon. You have the choice of heading for the side of the road in a hurry, or driving head-on into the many-wheeled beast. If you take the latter option you would have the pleasure, for a brief moment, of seeing the driver exiting his windscreen with a bemused expression on what remains of his face. The downside would be that your cranium would then, nano-seconds later, be buried under a few tonnes of bus. Clearly I have yet to exercise this option, but I have asked my internet service provider to advise you when I do. There will be photos, but not for the squeamish.

The only positive thing I can find to say about bus drivers is that, during breaks from trying to maim and destroy on the roads, they whip out some paint and create works of art on the body panels of their buses. Usually a single bus is uniquely painted, but today there was a whole fleet of the monsters reflecting a theme. Not sure what the theme was, I’ll call it Japanese Ninja Dragon Hero Igushi; seems about right.

Ocean 1, a never-ending story

Sat, 07 Jun 2008 00:00:00 +0000

It was two years ago that a local developer announced the construction of a 91 floor condominium tower containing 611 condos, shops, restaurants etc. etc. This would be the tallest building in Thailand and the 20th tallest building in the world.

I should be so lucky

Wed, 04 Jun 2008 00:00:00 +0000

In the constant battle to ward off bad luck, Thais will load their cars with variety of objects. This is the interior of my wife’s machine:

Wall painting

Wed, 04 Jun 2008 00:00:00 +0000

From my time living in Europe, I can recall square metres (or yards, depending on location) of walls and other flat surfaces being defaced with graffiti. Defaced, because however artistic the graffiti, the flat surface and the surrounding area were not improved by having “SPUDZ RULES OK” in multi-coloured letters sprayed across it.

The Thai approach to graffiti is more genteel. I have yet to see graffiti sprayed in places where it might be considered an eyesore. But offer an existing eyesore in the form of a partially demolished building, and the lads with spray cans will be there in a flash.

Bye, Bo

Mon, 02 Jun 2008 00:00:00 +0000

I will let The Animals tell his story:

Now lets hear the story of Bo Diddley and the Rock n Roll scene in general

Bo Diddley was born Elias McDaniels in a place called McCoom,

Missississipi about 1926

He moved to Chicago about 1938

Where his name was eventually changed to Bo Diddley

He practiced the guitar everyday and sometimes into the night

Till his papa’s hair began to turn white

Ladies of the second category

Mon, 02 Jun 2008 00:00:00 +0000

Viewers in the UK spent their Saturday evening watching a young breakdancer win the final of “Britain’s Got Talent.” The winner walked away with 100,000 pounds.

Not to be outdone, Pattaya staged the Miss Tiffany Pattaya Final 2008. The winner walked away with 100,000 baht, and a Honda car, and a trophy, and a sash. And here she is:

A pile of motorcycles

Sun, 01 Jun 2008 00:00:00 +0000

My wife decides to go to the evening market with a couple of her buddies. The market is only open on weekend evenings and specialises in selling useless junk (from my expert perspective), although there are some fine food stalls. Anyway, I decline the kind offer of trailing around after three women hunting cheap bracelets, because I need to stay at home and attend to something.

Sixty one hours of frantic entertainment and I am nearing the end of the Grand Theft Auto IV story. Our hero has a choice of agreeing to undertake some work for an unreliable Russian gangster, or hunting him down. I choose to do the work, because there is money in it, but expect it is all going to turn out badly. It takes me most of the evening to work through and find out just how bad it is; but indeed it is a conclusion to the story that has had some in tears. Me? I just got some dust in my eyes, no actual emotion.

Grumpy old man

Sun, 01 Jun 2008 00:00:00 +0000

Thai Visa is a forum which offers much more than visa advice. It’s a regular source of gossip and one of the hot debates at the moment arose from this post:

*Just a little story, which is continuing each and every day. If the person I’m talking about is on this board I welcome his reasons.

Emporium, Friday morning 10am, food floor, Oriental coffee/cake shop. I went in there for breakfast, all seating is on stools in the window and there were only 2 other customers in there and plenty of seating. Ordered my food, sat at the stool and read the paper. 10 mins later I head some raised voice behind me in a “complaining” sort of way, then this guy in shorts/shirt, 50ish, blonde/grey hair, glasses grabs another paper and slams it down next to me. He slams his phones down and mumbles. I was staring him by this point wondering why someone can be so dam_n unpleasant to staff and in front of people at that time in the morning, and if he had glanced up I would have asked him why he was having such a bad day.

Anyway, out of the corner of my eye I noticed that he sharply and quickly pushed my bag further towards me when he had the space for 4 seatings. Soon after the waitress brought his food and again he did some Italianesque gesticulating and mumbling, which I couldn’t hear. But I could hear him on the phone (again speaking fairly rudely in Thai then English). This was a businessman who had the manners of a chav.

I stayed for an hour and assumed this guy might have just lost a big contract/been cheated on/got locked out of his condo or something equally as bad. Oh no. As I went to pay he quickly summoned another waitress and again fairly loudly gesticulated towards my plates, but not quite loudly enough for me to hear from the counter. All waitresses looked uncomfortable with this guy and I was in two minds whether to go up to him to ask him why he was taking it out on people.

Then came the reason: he liked to sit in my spot every day. Yes, that’s it. He was absolutely devasted and blatantly rude because he was a businessman regular and I was in his regular seat, so he was mad at the girls for not reserving it..and mad at me (or any other) that would be ONE seat further up than himself that day.

I had to laugh in both disbelief and suppessed anger at hearing this, at which point he STILL didn’t turn around or make any eye contact. Maybe he was too important. The amazing this is, there is no way he would have acted like this at home…he would be hated wherever he went and probably banned. Embarrassingly for me, I think he’s English.

On Monday it happened again. Got there 10am for their superb breakfast and coffee. A middle-aged ex pat couple were in the middle seats and so I sat in “his” place which was in the corner next to them.

Sure enough, just 2 minutes later I head a commotion behind and the women next to me turn around and then asked me why he was so upset. He made his feelings quite clear by loudly stating to all around him that “that place was reserved” before slamming down his paper and storming out before anyone could comment. The couple were amazed when I told them the story.

One hour later I was still there and sure enough he came back with his little gf/wife. As soon as he saw me he went mad again with the nearest waitress saying that he’d told her 4 times to keep that place reserved for him. The security guard came into vision. At this point I called him to come over and talk to me about it instead of the staff but he stormed off again.

I called the waitress over to apologise for HIS rudeness but said that I would be sitting wherever I wanted. She took it in good humour and said it nearly happens every day with this workaholic guy that likes his own way.

A repeat performance again this morning. He had called the manager beforehand to lay out his breakfast in “his” spot before he arrived. When I got there I chose to sit there and the staff were very amused to move his food.

5 mins later I heard him say “I give up with you!” loudly to the manageress before stomping off quickly.

10 mins later he telephoned the cafe from downstairs and asked the manageress to go down and speak to him! She came to warn me that she will be saying that she can prepare his breakfast but cannot prevent other customers sitting in that seat, and that I chose to sit there. She was worried that he may come up and argue with me…to which I asked her to tell him to come and see me.

10 mins later she came up without him and told me that he was going to complain to Oriental Hotel top brass that he was a 5-year regular and that he wanted that place reserved for him every morning and lunch (including weekends), so the manageress (very polite girl) was worried. She said he didn’t wish to talk to me, but only to the staff and they should set the rules. I sense a coward.

No matter how long it takes he waits at another cafe downstairs and comes up get his place, which is most likely what he did when I left at 11am.

Yes, I’m winding him up. He is one of the rudest most openly aggressive expats I’ve met here and he’s a bully. I will be asking him to complain to me if he has a problem with where I’m sitting, but at the moment there are only two ways he’ll be able to reserve a stool in the corner: get there before it opens, or offer some explanation to me and an apology to the staff with some admittance that a stool in a cafe cannot be reserved for a morning coffee customer.

I just felt like telling this and maybe someone has met this guy, or maybe some want to. It’s the windowed cafe next door to Piri Piri on 4th floor. In front of the till there are stools at the window. Go and sit there in the corner next to the coffee machine and participate in some entertainment you may normally see on a stereotyped TV comedy sketch. He may soon realise it’s game over for the stool reservation plan.*

A couple of hundred posts later and a posse has been assembled, dedicated to gaining access to the Oriental Coffee Shop in the morning before Mr. Grumpy and taking his seat. Someone has even managed to photograph him in the act:

Out of his tree

Sat, 31 May 2008 00:00:00 +0000

Mr. Apidet was dumped outside a rescue service office in a bad way. Broken skull, broken neck and bruising over his face consistent with some form of attack. His wife confirmed that he was the sort of guy who spend his free time pissing people off, and consequently had many enemies.

But, and here is the solution to the mystery, an unknown person had called Mr. Apidet’s wife and told her that her husband had fallen out of a coconut tree. Shortly afterwards, the body was dumped at the rescue office.

Water Whores

Sat, 31 May 2008 00:00:00 +0000

How low can Hollywood go?

Showing at the local cinema, a presumably perverted tale of water-soaked prostitutes, disguised as family entertainment. “Rated PG for some action/peril, mild language and brief smoking.” Yeah, right.

The action/peril no doubt involves hot whore lesbian aquatic action scenes where the peril factor comes from the likely transmission of STDs. The connotations of the question “where did you just put that bar of soap?” could only be construed as mild language by those with no imagination; and I bet the “brief smoking” does not involve tobacco products.

A city of jumpers

Thu, 29 May 2008 00:00:00 +0000

Pattaya is a very popular destination for the suicidal. Maybe people don’t arrive with the intention of topping themselves, but they drift, or jump, into a hedonistic lifestyle which ends in heartache, an empty wallet, and eventually suicide.

The potential victims are easy enough to spot. Sad, lonely blokes from the west, oozing gratitude for the companionship of the pig-eyed, avaricious bar girl on their arm. Undying love is traded and soon the life savings are being “invested” in a house for the girl. Maybe a motorbike or car to go with it; and anything else that the loving, attentive girl can extract until the funds run dry.

Give us this day our daily bread; but don't make us eat it

Thu, 29 May 2008 00:00:00 +0000

When it comes to breakfast, I am a creature of habit. A banana, some Alpen and a yoghurt all mashed up together does me nicely. My wife’s breakfast varies, depending on how convinced she is that she is on a diet. Right now she thinks she is dieting hard, and has a cup of Ovaltine for breakfast. Totally inadequate, which means she then eats a whole lot more during the course of a day, but there is no point in my telling her. Being Asia, most other meals involve rice or noodles. Overall, there is no place in our daily diet for bread. Which is why we spent 7,000 baht on a bread machine this week.

Revenge is a dish best served flaming hot

Thu, 29 May 2008 00:00:00 +0000

The previous post highlighted the despair of the emotionally and financially embittered targets of bar girl affection. The girl takes the house and the man is left on the street with nothing.

Bill Manuel, an Irish gentleman, had bought his wife a lovely house and she had, in time honoured tradition, thrown him out. She had moved in three of her relatives to occupy the space and was courting another foreign gentleman.

Sir Terry and the turkey

Tue, 27 May 2008 00:00:00 +0000

The Eurovision Song Contest has long been a joke. Crap songs by ridiculous artists, it may be considered as entertainment by some, but as a source of musical talent; forget it.

Sad then, that the Irish entry this year failed to make the cut. The singer was Dustin and the song was a haunting melody called Irelande Douze Pointe. Dustin is hugely popular in Ireland and has released six best-selling albums. Dustin is also a turkey glove puppet. Personally I would have voted for a puppet turkey with a hand up it’s arse, this is the sort of act that should win the Eurovision Song Contest.

iPhone karaoke

Mon, 26 May 2008 00:00:00 +0000

“The miracle of birth” is all very well; but it’s just biology. Given enough years, evolution can come up with just about anything; apart from the telephone.

It must have been sometime in my youth when I was amazed by the fact that my mother could talk for hours to her friends via a bakelite device which was joined to the wall by a couple of wires. It was the wires in the wall that really got to me, even more than my mother’s ability to talk endlessly; and I am still astonished that a bit of crappy wire is all you need to connect to the outside world. Of course, nowadays, that same bit of wire will connect you into the wide wide world of web and, apart from making phones calls, you can browse stuff, and download illegal music, movies and hard core porn (not that I do, it’s just an example).

The sense of techno-wonder has not left me and I have spent much of my life being enthralled by gadgets, and indeed my home is a shrine to many mini-wonders which have been acquired, played with, and later discarded or broken, or both.

One gadget that had never really interested me was the mobile phone. Where were the wires for God’s sake? Transmitting conversations through the air somehow seemed less clever than ramming them through a length of wire. Eventually I succumbed and purchased a mobile phone, mainly so I could call for help if I found myself dying in a Bangkok traffic jam, but it was a basic model and the last one I owned had been in my possession for five years. But then my gadget world changed last birthday when my wife handed me a small box in which nestled an iPhone.

You can stick your Nokias where the sun don’t shine, the iPhone is a work of design genius. But the business model for selling them may be less so from a consumer standpoint, especially when it means you can’t buy them officially in Thailand. But that didn’t stop the enterprising Thais. Within weeks of release, iPhones were flooding into the country, being hacked so they would work with local service providers, and being sold at a handsome premium.

Apart from being a phone, which is of little interest to me because I don’t like talking to people and have no friends, the iPhone plugs into my car stereo and provides me with music on the move. I transfer downloaded movies and UK TV programs onto it and watch them when I am stuck somewhere with no entertainment (in the middle of a supermarket pushing a trolley, for example). And, free from the need to find a wifi point, I can check my mails and browse the web anywhere there is a phone signal, and at speeds that beat many of the wireless services available in Thailand. As someone who needs to be constantly entertained, even when entertainment is not normally available (see supermarket reference above), the iPhone has been a boon.

An advantage of having a hacked iPhone is that you are free to add the hundreds of add-on programs that have been developed for it. This week I discovered one which, although essentially useless, re-awakened my techno-wonder for a while. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you Tune Wiki.

Add this little program to your iPhone or Touch and, when you play your music, it will go somewhere and find the lyrics, and display them to you in sync with the music. Want to sing along to the likes of R.E.M.. but have no idea what Mr. Stipe is on about? Just sing along using Tune Wiki.

One hundred years of markets

Mon, 26 May 2008 00:00:00 +0000

A visit to Klong Suan market is a pleasant way to spend some time. According to local naming, the market is more than 100 years old, and parts of of it certainly look it. An extended wooden building next to a small river, a rambling home to hundreds of small shops and restaurants. In fact, given the amount of cooking going on, it’s hard to believe that the whole lot hasn’t been razed to the ground at least once in the last hundred years.

The atmosphere is very relaxed and friendly. I was the only non-Thai and was greeted everywhere with smiles. Prices are ridiculously cheap. After a couple of hours of walking around we stopped for a traditional Thai iced coffee, served in an old style glass and supported by a china pot full of tea which you pour onto the ice after you have finished your coffee and freshen your mouth. Cost, 10 baht each!

Grave Graves and the tale of a porn king

Fri, 23 May 2008 00:00:00 +0000

When I first met Doctor Sathit I felt he was a little lacking in the bedside manner department. “You have a grave disease” he informed me gravely. Thanks for breaking the news gently doc, I thought, and enquired as to how grave it actually was. Should I start planning my funeral now or wait until after the weekend?

Turns out that what he was telling me was that I had Graves disease which is not life threatening, but not curable and extremely unpleasant. As well as putting your thyroid into overdrive, the muscles behind the eyes inflame and swell, providing an unusual popeye effect and spectacular double vision. The American approach to managing this seems to involve cutting out some of your thyroid or attacking it with radiation therapy, with potentially nasty side effects. Dr. Sathit was having none of that, and over the next four years he fed me little white pills and gradually brought my thyroid under control.

Over that time, the eyes decided to go their own separate ways in my skull, such that it was difficult to know which of the two images being fed into my brain was correct. This was particularly challenging when driving at speed, at night, in the rain in the narrow streets of Bangkok. I developed a strategy that officially involved aiming between the two images in my head; but more often than not involved just closing my eyes when I got to really tricky bits. Some alcohol in the system seemed to help reduce the overall feeling of impending disaster; and indeed very few people were knocked off their motorbikes.

Once the disease had burned out, I took a trip to Moorfields Eye Hospital in the UK where a very nice lady disconnected all the muscles attached to my right eye and sewed them back on again in a different place. When I woke up, both my eyes were pointing in the same direction again. This was a great operation to describe in detail at parties later, usually when little melon balls were served as a starter; although I was recently upstaged by a gentleman whose penis exploded during the act of lovemaking. But he had to hold that story until the banana fritters came for dessert.

Although the eyes are sorted, the thyroid still needs a regular check to make sure that it is not contemplating misbehaving again. So every six months I make a trip to Bangkok to see Dr. Sathit who checks my blood and generally pokes around to make sure all is in order. He charges a wallet-emptying 600 baht for his time, worth every baht for all he has done for me, and the smile he gives when he tells me everything is OK.

This visit I decided to stay overnight and checked into The Davis Hotel in Suhkumvit Soi 24. At the time it was being built there was speculation that The Davis could end up being a pretty seedy place; but it is actually a very smart boutique hotel with spacious rooms, a good enough breakfast and room rates which are very competitive for Bangkok.

The concern over the seediness arose because of the owner, Chuvit Kamolvisit, one of the more colourful characters in Thailand. Chuvit made his money with a chain of massage parlours where you would certainly get more than a massage (a cup of tea perhaps?). In 2003 there was a dawn raid by assorted thugs on an area of land that he owned which was occupied by stall holders and small shops. In a couple of hours, the whole area was razed to the ground in order to make way for a new development. Something of an outcry from those occupying the land who thought they had valid leases but were left with a pile of broken bricks. Arrested by the police, Chuvit spent a month in prison which rather pissed him off. Upon his release he provided lists of policemen that he had been bribing over the years, and even a list of prison officers he had bribed during his month in prison! Some of the police were named as having received free massages (and cups of tea). The fact that Chuvit had been bribing people did not seem to be of concern, but some token policemen were locked up for a while.

Deciding to enter politics, he failed to get elected as Bangkok governor. But he wangled his way into parliament and made headlines on the first day by smashing a jacuzzi tub outside the parliament building, and then lying in a casket. Apparently this was to show he was no longer operating in the sex industry and was going to be a good boy. He was thrown out of parliament shortly after. Chuvit enjoys the limelight and stirs things up in a most entertaining manner; we need more like him.

As I was travelling alone, the trip to Bangkok took about half an hour less than it normally does, due mainly to the lifting of the wife-imposed speed limit. There were occasional hindrances, like this not at all dangerously stacked van in the outside lane.

A bicycle made for two

Wed, 21 May 2008 00:00:00 +0000

Well, the sitting on the handlebars thing didn’t happen, but the two on a bike wheelie did; and given how wobbly the whole thing looked, it was probably a stunt enough, even without the rabbit. Of course Jimmy couldn’t resist offering a couple of solo stunts to amuse the assembled throng.

Cooking with the Prime Minister

Wed, 21 May 2008 00:00:00 +0000

If I am being kind, the latest Thai prime minister can be described as “a character.” The people’s choice upon a return to democracy, Samak Sundaravej is not obviously an intellectual giant; but he does provide regular entertainment for the media.

The latest upset relates to the cancellation of his cooking show by the Election Commission. Yes, Samak finds time to run the country and host his own cooking show called Chim Pai Bon Pai, which translates somewhat oddly into “tasting while complaining.” Samak is complaining about the show being cancelled, the Election Commission argues that hosting a show qualifies as being employed, and you can’t be employed and be prime minister at the same time; so nah nah nah.

Samak is also complaining about a suspicious “man with a receding hairline” who is apparently attempting to sabotage the government. A Thai newspaper was quick to respond with a photo of a bunch of prominent people with receding hairlines who are indignant at the implication that their lack of hair means they are trying to get rid of our cooking show host; sorry, Prime Minister.

Bring out the stunt rabbit

Tue, 20 May 2008 00:00:00 +0000

A morning with the bikers. Like all gadget freaks, they like to buy add-on bits for their toys. Being bikers, they are obviously attracted to salacious trade names:

Prayers and perambulations

Mon, 19 May 2008 00:00:00 +0000

Today is Visakha Bucha day, the holiest day in the Buddhist calendar. My wife, who is meant to know these things, told me it celebrated three things related to the Buddha, but she had forgotten what they were, so I had to Google. I found out that today celebrates the birth, enlightenment and entry into nirvana of the Buddha, so now you know.

Personally, I am not of a religious persuasion. I believe I am the product of evolution and biology and when I die I will be worm food and nothing more; but if I had to sign on for an organised religion, I think I would go with Buddhism. Certainly the Thai version is very relaxed and groovy; and they do some very interesting festivals.

This evening we went, along with several hundred other people, to a temple near our home. There is a large Buddha statue and everyone congregated around it for prayers led by some monks.

Grand Theft Auto copycat shock horror probe!

Sat, 17 May 2008 00:00:00 +0000

Guns don’t kill people, video games do; or so the half-witted, mean-spirited, moralising, conservative pressure groups in the USA would have us believe. The Grand Theft Auto series has always been their favourite target because the game gives the player the freedom to behave badly, like not going to church or saying “golly gosh, I just ran you over, motherfucker.”

The in-game internet bravely tackles the issue by confirming that 40% of all deaths in America are as a result of playing video games:

Ouch, that hurts - Jimmy Wong's Tattoo Festival

Sat, 17 May 2008 00:00:00 +0000

I had a friend who had a Harley Davidson. Apart from that he was a nice guy. We used to go out drinking from time to time and by around 2300, after far too many beers, I would announce my intention to buy a Harley the next morning. Of course, come the headache the next day, my logic circuits would re-engage and the thought of buying one of those ridiculous machines had evaporated. My friend got so sick of my reversals of commitment, he tried to convince the local Harley dealer to stay open until midnight so he could drag me down there with my credit card and a belly full of booze.

It never happened thank goodness, but I have always thought that getting a tattoo must also fall into the “I’m totally pissed and will now do something stupid” category. Why else would you have “I love Gwendoline Fitzgibbons” engraved on your forearm, in the certain knowledge that you and Ms. Fitzgibbons are unlikely to last more than a month, whereas a forearm is forever (usually).

But tattoos are popular enough to justify a festival, so here we are today at the Jimmy Wong World Tattoo Arts Festival in Pattaya.

Pattaya Property - Ananya with extra bollocks

Fri, 16 May 2008 00:00:00 +0000

Having shared a couple of nonsense property project slogans with you, I cannot resist adding this one. The Ananya condominium assures you that “you don’t need to turn your fingerprint looking for style!”

Temporary residence

Fri, 16 May 2008 00:00:00 +0000

Last night we had a visitor: A friend of my wife who regularly has comprehensive arguments with her husband and decides to leave him until he has called, pleading forgiveness, for what she considers is a sufficient number of times. He is French so no doubt the pleas include much invisible arm-waving, shoulder shrugging, and weeping at appropriate moments. She is Thai so no doubt her responses include much shouting and Thai expletives (I always know when my wife is extra-upset with me, she reverts to Thai and the decibels rise significantly).

Cats in a box

Thu, 15 May 2008 00:00:00 +0000

She who must be obeyed pronounces that she is to sell some jewelry via eBay. This is a follow-up to her stunning success in selling a silk scarf for at least $3 profit. My mission, if I will accept it, and I dare not, is to photograph the items for sale. I ask her is she is prepared to finance a lightbox so I can photograph her baubles properly; a couple of hundred dollars should be sufficient. Not surprisingly she declines and I decide to build my own. The previous evening we had purchased a weird indoor pond device.

Grand Theft Web

Thu, 15 May 2008 00:00:00 +0000

Over coffee this morning I fire up my current time waster of choice, Grand Theft Auto and decide against tackling the latest mission which involves chasing a couple of bikers through subway tunnels whilst avoiding the trains; probably not best attempted with a cup of coffee in one hand.

Instead I head for a TW@ internet cafe and browse the in-game internet. I start with coffee and read the Bean Machine site. (Warning: photos taken from the TV and of average quality, and you may need to choose the largest size in Flickr to read the pages. But it’s worth it!).

Pattaya Property - Beyond seascape living of art bollocks

Wed, 14 May 2008 00:00:00 +0000

While the rest of the world plunges into a property succession, the agents and builders of Pattaya are trying to convince us that the boom times are still here. And indeed there are large number of new developments being launched; where launching involves a punchy, if meaningless, slogan, a website with elevator music and some optimistic artist’s impressions. There is also a hole in the ground which may or may not be developed over time; but give us your money now and watch your investment grow (or evaporate).

We passed a couple today. Reflection is situated on a scruffy road next to a scruffy beach and the structural progress to date would indicate they are building a bus station. Maybe this is what “Beyond Seascape Living” means? Beyond a seascape, there is a bus station. There is also a large graphic of a seagull gliding over a pristine sea. This is strange because I have never seen a seagull here, I think they drank the less-than pristine sea water and died.

The imperfect storm

Wed, 14 May 2008 00:00:00 +0000

Out on the sea for some windsurfing action this afternoon. In a change from her recent practice of hanging around the club with her girlfriends and creating crap nail designs, she who must obeyed joined me on the water and behaved perfectly by not trying to overtake me.

There was a huge black storm on the horizon which always has the same outcome. The sky will get blacker and blacker and the wind will ease slightly, then the hand of the wind god will turn the wind tap fully open and the wind will scream for several minutes before the heavens open and rain descends by the bucketload.

The trick is to keep sailing until just before the wind screaming starts, and then get on the beach before you are flattened. Today I failed and at one point I could see a line of furious water rushing towards me, and then seconds later I was in the water with my sail flattened against the sea and me flattened against the sail. Luckily I was close enough to shore to swim a little and then carry my equipment onto the beach; aided by my wife who was quick to tell me that she had shouted to me to come back in before the wind arrived. That’s what I love about windsurfing, on the water you can’t hear your wife screaming at you (or you can pretend you can’t).

One of the lunatic kite surfers was less lucky, the wind gust lifted him off the beach, and then dumped him down again, cracking his shoulder. In no time at all (about 30 minutes) an ambulance arrived to collect him and his credit card. We heard later that the bill came to around 8,000 baht, no doubt including an item for “extended use of ambulance siren.”

A new way to break the law

Mon, 12 May 2008 00:00:00 +0000

My first experience of the Thai traffic police occurred when I was lost in Bangkok (a frequent occurrence in the early days) and I found myself going up a one way street the wrong way. Apparently there was a sign warning me that this was a one way street, but the police had efficiently blocked the sign with a mini police box which served as a base for a number of cops waiting patiently for victims. As I unknowingly strayed into the capture zone, I was waved into a parking area and told I had to pay a fine for this terrible transgression of the highway code.

Lies, damn lies, and Grand Theft Auto statistics.

Sun, 11 May 2008 00:00:00 +0000

The supreme commander has called me and told me her trip to stay with her mother for a week has been cut short by several days and she is on the way home by bus. Pick-up service will be required around midnight at the bus station. This gives me enough time to wash the dishes, make the condo look respectable; and play Grand Theft Auto just a little longer.

The game provides me with a huge range of statistics as to what I have been doing. Most alarmingly, it tells me I have been playing for 33 hours; but this is understated because it excludes time spent on fruitless adventures that ended in death (mine, not the 465 people I have killed), after which I loaded saved games. So probably more like 40 hours; and I am only 48% through the game. Still, not bad for the first week. I am also advised that I have stolen 168 cars, shot 9,487 bullets and spent an hour on the phone.

Strolling down The Avenue

Sat, 10 May 2008 00:00:00 +0000

An afternoon foray to The Avenue shopping mall to purchase some essential life support items. When my wife is here the shopping focus is on irrelevancies such as washing powder, vegetables and fruit. My shopping list today was small but perfect: several bars of chocolate, some tonic (to go with gin) and, as a token of nutritional goodness, some lemons (which will conveniently go well with gin and tonic). Oh, and some bread and some stuff to stick inside it to make a sandwich for my evening meal.

When I was a lad in the UK, I recall it was difficult to buy anything after the sun went down. A trip to New Zealand not that long ago had me caught out on a Saturday when the shops all shut down after lunch with no intention of opening again until the Monday. And one of the shut shops was called “The Frock Shop”, modern wear for the modern lady no doubt. I am sure shopping availability has improved in these places, but Asia has always been ahead of the game.

There are many places you can now shop 24 hours a day, and The Avenue has a supermarket where you can do just that. The supermarket also has a 24 hour mini-restaurant, so when you are exhausted from buying all that chocolate you can have a meal. God knows who must stagger in at 0200, but at 1400 it was me, and 60 baht got me chicken fried rice which revived me sufficiently for a quick walk around the mall with the camera before I headed home.

Too much cheese

Fri, 09 May 2008 00:00:00 +0000

My wife has left me, and not a day too soon. Actually, it was a day too late and it was all thanks to some cheese.

We have an Italian windsurfing friend who spends a day a week locked in his kitchen creating cheese. It’s good cheese, but not really to my taste as it tends to be too soft and creamy for my palate. But my wife, being Thai, is up for almost anything involving food consumption; so she accepted his offer of a morning watching how cheese is made.

Grand Theft Auto IV review

Thu, 08 May 2008 00:00:00 +0000

It’s a story about pursuing the American dream from the perspective of an immigrant from eastern Europe who is fleeing a dubious past and facing an even more dubious future as he finds himself being dragged into a world of corruption and crime in Liberty City, USA.

Niko Bellic is the immigrant and he is a likeable man. Clearly damaged from the experiences of his past, he absorbs the shock of his new home with cynical resignation and good humour. And it is quite a shock, because he is here at the invitation of his cousin Roman who has told him about the money, the high living, the fast cars and faster girls. Sadly, Roman has none of these things, and Niko finds himself sharing a shabby apartment with Roman who earns a precarious living from running a taxi business whilst spending much of his time fixating on large breasts. Roman has money problems and is involved with a number of shady characters. To protect Roman, Niko has to deal with these people, and his descent into the underbelly of Liberty City begins.

Grappling with gearboxes

Wed, 07 May 2008 00:00:00 +0000

Many years ago, in a land far away, I used to build cars. Then I used to race them, crash them, and rebuild them again. My mechanical knowledge was based upon reading a single book. I forget the title, but given the content it was probably something like “The Boy’s Book of How Cars Work.” Heavy on providing pretty pictures, light on providing useable knowledge.

Never mind, with trusty hammer in hand and an attitude of optimism, combined with blissful ignorance, I gave birth to a variety of lethal machines which were let loose upon the roads and tracks of Scotland (small country, north of the country of England).

Son of a gun

Wed, 07 May 2008 00:00:00 +0000

The results are in, and we have a new major. I can take some small pride in knowing that my previous publicity for candidate number 2 has resulted in a win for same. He is better known as Ittipon Khumpleum, and he has already outlined his policies for the future:

· environmental improvement · the implementation of an effective water supply for the city and Kho Larn (Coral Island) · a 12-year free education system · low-cost housing for low income groups · a new, improved traffic system · a tramline transportation system · flood prevention · job opportunities to decrease poverty · the eradication of Pattaya’s red-light venue – Walking Street · the establishment of a drug-observation and prevention centre · the encouragement of ecotourism · the construction of a sports centre · the establishment of a tourism festival · the encouragement of world-class entertainment

The changing of the colours

Wed, 07 May 2008 00:00:00 +0000

Whoever was showing off in our condo car park with a yellow Lambo the other day was clearly not happy with the colour. Today he has changed it for light blue and gone for the drophead option. Tomorrow we are forecasting red with extra spoilers, at which point I will be forced to slash the tyres. Bastard.

Top of the Gulf Regatta

Wed, 07 May 2008 00:00:00 +0000

Spent the day sorting through photographs I took at the above regatta which was held from a nearby marina last weekend.

Their media support was not as slick as it had been in previous years. A month or so ago I mailed their media contact for information on registration and had the benefit of no reply. A second mail elicited a similar lack of interest. So, based on their web site which advised that registration would happen from 1000 onwards last Thursday, I duly turned up at 1300 to register. The words “media”, “press” and “photographer” got me nothing but embarrassed smiles. After some pushing, phone calls were made and a scapegoat was found to tell me that the people dealing with the media would not be arriving until “later.”

So I came back “later” and finally met someone who gave me a free hat and told me that the press boat would be leaving at 1030 the next morning. I duly arrived at 1015 to see the press boat leaving the harbour without me. They had changed the time but neglected to call and tell me. A very nice harbour master type chap got on the radio and called the press boat back to the jetty to collect me; much to the chagrin of those already on board. Tough.

After that, it was a good day, although we had to change boat a couple of times which was a little more exciting than I would have wished with several thousand dollars of camera gear dangling above the ocean.

The next day I arrived early to catch the boat, which obliged by leaving late; and this time, because it was a weekend, we were accompanied by various hangers-on who clearly were not press and were just along for the free food and the ride. Indeed, they were tucking into the free food before we had even left the harbour; and then most of them were seeing the free food again as they projectile vomited over the side into a very choppy sea. So the journey had to be curtailed and we headed back to port on a sick-stained vessel full of rather unhappy passengers. At this point I gave up, better luck next year perhaps.